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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Cars

This has been a pretty boring day at work so I've been daydreaming a lot. I thought back on this car that I bought about a year ago. This whole story actually happened to me so I hope that you find it helpful and entertaining. I saw this used car for sale and it was a 1998 Buick Riviera. It was instantly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen that couldn't somehow have sex with me. Everything was clean and it only had like 60K miles on it. So I wanted to buy it. The man told me that instead of just selling it he was putting it on display and then selling it on Ebay. But he told me not to worry since I made my offer first he said I would have a chance to beat any offer that won. Clearly he had never used Ebay before, but neither had I. So I went about my business for the next several days. Then comes the day of the bid closing. I call just to verify that nothing is gonna change once the close is over and with about 7 hours to go he tells me that I better get online. Apparently when you bid online there is a reserve for the item that you are buying. Now, you don't know what the reserve is because it's a secret, but if the closing bid is over the reserve then the seller has to sell it to that person(I think there is a law backing it up to.) So I rush home and realize that I don't even currently have an online provider. I had AOL but thought it was a waste of money. But since I was in an impatient mood I decided to go ahead and get the high speed internet access that Cox Communications offers. I got the install yourself pack because I needed it now and not in three months. Might I say that I also bought a Netgear Wireless Router and for the little amount that I spent on it, it is flawless. I am a happy customer and I don't care who knows it. After purchasing the equipment I sent my girlfriend to get the box before the store closes. She comes back without the box. Bastard. So I am now forced to go to her family's house and use their internet to bid on this car. Which is awkward seeing that her mother has actually told me that if she knew a hitman I'd be dead, and used the words "with his black ass" on numerous occasions. While bidding I made that mistake of letting my girlfriend sit down at the computer. The Bidding Starts: We're winning throughout the last 5 min. Until someone bids. We bid back. Someone bids. And the cycle continued for the last 45 sec. Of the bid. With like 11 sec. Left my girlfriend turns around and tells me that I was outbid again. I immediately tell her to bid again; Too late. So I didn't get the car. But I wasn't about to let that stop me.
I began to search for another Buick Riviera that was around the same year and mileage but it was not easy. All of them were dogged out and one guy wanted 5000 for a car with 300,000 miles on it. And didn't even ask me if I smoke before he said it. Can you believe that shiggity? So I find one that I feel I could work with at a place that rhymes with Emvee Motors. Their name is DMV Motors, but would I be considered liable if all the bad shit I say about them it true and I have a witness? Anyway, We go up there and there is a Turkish man selling cars from what appears to be a giant cardboard box with siding on it. I try not to judge too quickly but I could sense white trash all around. And that there were. So I go to the car and it needs some work but it's not so bad that I walked away. The problem comes when they try to start it. Then after the 20th time it wouldn't cooperate I had to use the big boy voice. All I really said was that I would give them half the money they wanted today and the other half when the car was functioning properly. I told them I would be back within two weeks and I wouldn't be calling to alarm them of my visit. They fixed that problem and I bought the car about two weeks later. However, the day that I got there to pick it up there was a declined sticker on the windshield that I somehow overlooked. He told me that in one more day he could have it passed. I have a good mechanic so I told him that was not necessary. That's where I officially burned that money up. So he gives me that title to this piece and I can't do shit with it before I get it to pass inspection. Cause it's got temp tags. So I take the car and ask for the bare estimate to get it to pass inspection. My mechanic tells me that for a little more than half of what I paid he could sprinkle magic on it and pray. I was fucked. So I park this piece in a parking lot outside of my neighborhood for the time being. Well over the course of one month I saw a lot of strange things. Someone pulled the temp tags on the front off. But why? Then my girlfriend's mother was too happy to tell me about how the city towed it away. Great, so a couple months later( because I didn't even bother to go looking for it) I decide to follow it up. I find the place that has it and do you know what they told me. "You can pay us 725 fir the car or you can pay us 725 and tell us to junk it." Naturally I had it junked and paid them, but neglected to remember a CD book and a smooth ass black Kangol hat. Pimplicious, right?! Well that's my story of my own stupidity and how two swindlers took advantage of my crippling disease. And remember: THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Everybody

I would like to congratulate everyone who made it into the DC ComedyFest 06'. Lots of local comedy there and I love this community so of course I will be openly supportive.
Now then, for those 3 fans that I have. I, on the other hand did not make it in. FUCK. I will not make excuses because I'll tell you the truth, I'm an arogant asshole. For real. The tape I submitted and myself just weren't funny enough to stand out. I can understand that. (damn) But a couple of the names on that list...(no, just move on, let's not make any enemies.) And the thing that really pisses me off was that I called and called because I didn't want to find out the way that I did. Wake up and go the computer just for my usual geeky morning comic feed, and go to the dccf's website. I see that they've put the list of acts up there and wonder might I be on the list. And with my girlfriend over my shoulder watching my face turns to pure concrete as I read the names of all the familiar cool comics in the area. The pause when I get to the bottom. I wonder is there a page 2, no, just sadness. I excuse myself to a shit that I can only describe as awesome, and once I flush I have let my anger go. Let me clarify, whether or not you think I'm funny I have a great amount of confidence in myself and felt I was funny enough to make it in. I was very angry with myself because when I made the tape I felt it was the best that I could do. I feel that way every week til I make a new tape and then the old one isn't funny to me anymore. So once the deadline closed I just sat back and wondered if it would be okay. Apparently not. After this blog I don't even think I want to talk about the DCCF. I gotta tell you that I had my hopes up a lot. A Lot.
However, I notice that the same names are always clustered. I'm sure every other comedian has noticed that too. It's gonna be weird gettin used to that. If anyone feels like answering this question please do. Is there always a new "cool gang" every few years, or should I start kissing the rings of (what I will call) the click. Make no mistake, I have seen a lot of those guys on stage and acknowledge that almost everyone I saw made me laugh. I'm not putting down that click, I just see that every show has the same 10 people plus random comic and it seemed strange. I hope that there is a new gang every fews years or so. Maybe I can be in one. Because it might make me look bad, but if you ever see me at an open mic, probably even a show, notice that I'm the geek in the corner who's afraid to talk to anyone. There are a few reasons for that. First, I'll just come out and say that with the exception of a few people like Jimmy Meritt and Erin Jackson, I don't think too many people seem approachable. And to be honest; since I have been reading comedians blogs, I don't ever want to read someone's blog and see my name with anything negative. So I just shut up. But, I realize that will get me nowhere. Where am I going if I can't network in my own community. So please, if you see me on the comedy scene, SAY HELLO! I think I 'm a nice guy maybe you will too. (Fuck) Sorry, that's just me still bitter about the fest. I'm bitter as shit right now. My girlfriend tried to put a spin on it and I cut her off from the word GO. I've never been the type of person to buy into that stuff. I'm a realist, and I wasn't good enough this time around. But, I guarentee something like this won't happen again. I will put together a tape so funny it will be illegal and there will be no doubt in my mind IF I'm going to make it into another festival. Most importantly though, know that while I am bitter, angry, whining, sulking, and black, I can take rejection just as well as the next man. Well I think I got it out of my system now. Have a good day.

Monday, January 30, 2006

The Mondays

Welcome to Monday. Might I just say that last night was the worst pay per view I have seen in a long time. WWE's Royal Rumble was dogshit. Rey Mysterio Jr. won the royal rumble and will be heading for Wrestlemania's main event. I like to root for the little guy just as much as the next man, but I would never believe that 5'5 Rey will ever be a champion. Now maybe that's hateful of me but I don't give a damn. He's garbage. I've been robbed of about 35.00 and I need anyone who reads this to keep an eye out for Vince McMahon and any of the WWE superstars. They owe me and when you say Rumble! they should know exactly what you mean. Wink when you say it too, and get cash from them( I don't like checks).

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The move

Since I will shortly be making the move to Dcstandup.com allow me to say a couple words. For those of you like myself who read comedians blog's nonstop because you have a boring desk job, I will be your hero. I vow to try and keep you entertained and update my blog as close to everyday as humanly possible. I do this for the bored. For the people who yurn for what a scrawny black man has to say and will check back 30 times in one day for a new fix. I did too. You'll notice that I have a link to my promo kit and I would really like anyone who has time to go. I will be updating my two videos on almost a weekly basis so there will be new stuff. I hope that you notice an improvement over time and please leave me a comment if you have one. I love critcism and COMPLIMENTS so either way. Just try to keep the comments constructive, because I already know I suck. Thank you. I really hope that whoever is reading this will enjoy my blog's, my life, and my woman. Please take her away. Please. We'll do this again soon...

It's FAT ALBERT

Okay the reason for that title was for my own benefit (laughter) but I think that if you say it aloud you too might smile a little bit.
I just found out that the last comic standing is having another season and I am definitely going to Austin, TX on March 2 to audition. I am very excited about making the flight down there because it's been like 5 yrs since I have flown. Tim Miller told me that he's interested and might even come with me. That would be cool cause if we get robbed he looks like he has more money than me because he probably does. And isn't that what friends are for. So here's to my(our) trip and feelin good all the time.
WWE's Royal Rumble is tonight and it's gonna be off the hinges. I am going to make some predictions so if your not a wrestling fan look away or you'll go blind. Cruiserweight invitational: Rey Mysterio. Ashley vs. Mickey James: Ashley. Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry: Kurt. Edge vs. John Cena: EDGE! Winner of the 2006 Royal Rumble: SHAWN MICHAELS!!!
Sorry to say but I think that's all I have for this Sunday. I would like to leave you with some food for thought. "Always in the Green, Never in between."

Saturday, January 28, 2006

HO-HUM

And what a ho-hum Saturday it is. I've done nothing but stare out the window all day, mostly because I'm too lazy to go out. I treasure my down time and try my best to be as high as possible. May I recognize Resident Evil 4 for the playstation 2 as one of the best games to come out in a while. It's way different than the other 3 and a good action/suspense game. Call of Duty 2 was a hoot as well. If there's one thing that I know it's games. For example: WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 is the greatest game of all time. I challenge anyone who dares to play the game for 2 hours and not love it. Before you stop playing you have to go online though. Do it and make me a liar. Just try. I dare you. And if your good enough find me. My username is Devo2021 and I am that damn good. Don't let the record fool you, I've been the victim of a screwjob or two, but "I handle mine's!" Don't have a lot for today but maybe tomorrow or something, huh? We'll do this again soon.

Friday, January 27, 2006

link to promo kit

This is a link to my page o' promotion. Just my promo kit on page with videos to viewed. I'll be updating this a lot so watch my material get better and the notecards vanish over time. http://www.thepersonification.com/tylerrichardson/index.htm

Been a while..

Hello,

It's been a little while since I wrote so let's recap. On Sunday the 22 of January and I was at the Comedy Spot. Lot of nice comedians there, and I always feel really comfortable talking on stage in that room. Don't know why... I went up like 11th and in my opinion did a pretty good set. Now I really haven't been anything but a nice guy to other comedians so excuse me while I vent. Patricia Berhinger went out her way to make a new enemy on Sunday night. Now, to give you some back story here's what happened. She was doing her first hosting of any show and I am not in a position to judge but as that guy I gotta tell you she was horrible. And to those who look down on me for stating my mind about whether or not someone was funny or did a good job; get real. We all do it and on occasions like this I don't care if I'm the corniest man on earth, she still sucked. But being polite I showed no signs of disdain. Everyone that night was swearing a little bit but anyone who's been to the Comedy Spot on Sundays knows that it's rated G or PG. Once a couple flew out of my mouth I apologized but it was funny and the only kid in attendance was her daughter who heckled and made her own time slot. But, don't get me wrong I dig her daughter and she(to the best of my knowledge) wouldn't deserve any slander I might think of. So the night ends and I go home feeling like I made a few people laugh and will be a star someday. But, don't all comics think that. A lot. If you said no you should be honest with yourself. YOU can be funny in the shower so don't tell me I'm wrong for wanting to be successful. But to my dismay I found an e-mail from the man in the silver tie, calmly explaining that I had been fingered as the bluest smurf to ever walk into the joint. He didn't use as much flare as I just did, but you get it right? I was pissed. The only reason why is that when the group is doing wrong you don't pick out one and make them the scape goat. Which is what I see that as. She had no reason, in my opinion, to point me out. And only me. But that's enough of that I guess.
I went to my very first gig last Thursday. It was a very exciting time for me and the first time that my mother has seen me on stage since I was 19. Made sure that I had weed; check. Couple beers; check. And 30 mins. of memorized material for my 15 or 20 min. set. I went right before George P. Gordon III and that's my way of saying that I was the first guy on. Aside from a headliner that walked in and Tim Miller the host of the show. The room was actually pretty packed compared to the normal open mic crowd at Wiseacres. I did my time and had a blast then talked with some comics and watched the rest of the show. I thought the whole showcase went very well especially since most of the people on were young guys that aren't exactly in the cool circle yet.
Still waiting to hear from the DC Comedy Festival about my submission. Everyone on the planet already knows that they're going and normally that would imply that I didn't make it. Don't get me wrong because I'm a realist so I don't think my tape was good enough. But, there are people aren't going that know that already too so I'm very confused. Just waitin'.
I did see my name on the DC Improv showcase list of performers. That was too cool for words. The showcase might be small potatoes to someone else, but for me I have my hopes up for doing a good job. I cannot control how people judge me, but I feel like I control if I think I kill that night. So on February 21 I go and hopefully will be funny enough to come back. That is my goal and if I win then I'll eat that cherry on the pie. But I always get my hopes up, so we'll see about that.
That's a good amount for today, but I'll get with you more often. And remember KEEP SMILING!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Beginning

Well hello. This is Tyler Richardson and I have just started my new blog. I've spent so much time reading other people's blogs that I figured I might as well right one too. No I don't claim to be a comedian extradonaire, but I think that I could find a spot for myself in this business. There's lots of people that want to laugh and maybe they'll let me be the one who starts some of it. A quick history lesson; I was born in ND. So if you ever meet me and wonder why I don't give you some pound, just know that. Or better yet, just shake my hand. You have no idea exactly how many times someone tries to give me dap and then realizes that I'm not black enough.
I started to really put my efforts into standup comedy about 7 months ago, so I am pretty much at scratch. However, I have a showcase at Wiseacres on Jan. 19th and I'm a little excited. Not because I'll be rich if I do well. More so because I'll be doing my first gig that is not an open mic. I thought it would be a lot sooner than now, but I'm cool with pretending to be patient. No one is really that patient they just pretend so others won't bitch when they have to wait. But, the thing I'm looking most forward too is a showcase for amateurs at the DC Improv. That's not until Feb. 21 so I've got a while to prepare. My hopes of doing well in the room are way up. Yet again, not because of tangible reward, but because the Improv is the biggest club around and doing well there would be a nice ego boost for me. Everyone needs a stroke now and again. I should let you know that in December I went to the New York Improv to do a bringer show. I will not say anything against that experience because I think one day it will have made me a better comedian. I'll give you a quick summary. I drive up to New York with huge dillusions of grandeur and got reality checked in about 8 hours. I thought it was important to have 7 people with me so I stood outside in the rain for 4 hours trying to give free tickets( i paid for) to New Yorkers. Turns out it wasn't that important. Thought the room would be packed. It wasn't. I did however take away some criticism that I believed the moment it came from someone else's mouth. For that I can't say that the trip was a waste. But, after doing it once, I too can say that I won't ever waste that money or time for a bringer show again. I sucked dick to afford that trip. (Okay I didn't) But I am cheap. Horribly cheap.
I plan on doing this regularly so stay tuned and if you enjoy it let me know. I'd love to hear from anyone who took the time to read about my life. For those that do read this I am working on putting my stuff online so stayed tuned as I get better at this self-promotion thing. Here's the link: http://members.cox.net/devohaven/TylerRich.wmv

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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