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Friday, March 31, 2006

So yesterday sucked....

I went to Bossa to try and give the D.C. scene a lot more of my attention and what happened, I got lost...thrice. I will spare you all the details but know that I started my journey at about 7:25 trying to be on time and that's where the plans went wrong. First, I found out that if you get off I-95 will lead you to route 1 right before you head to Maryland. Well then if you continue on route 1 takes you to 395 right around the Crystal city area. I read the DIRECTIONS WRONG, and because of that it was now 8:00 and I'd lost all that time I had. So in keeping with my optimistic attitude, I'm thinking okay I can still make it before 8:30. No, that was wrong. Now we all know that driving in the city is very different than driving around VA, but I turn into the worst driver in the world as soon as I get past the Pentagon. Jack moves, speeding, running lights, and nearly hitting at least two or three white pedestrians in the night. I just loose it when in the city and so from now on or at least until I feel more comfortable in the city I shall be using the METRO. God help me. I did manage to find the spot after like 9:20 and then the problem of where to park came to mind. I was a little broke and street parking was non-existent. Then when the valet at a parking garage told me to go to the ATM before I brought the car in I made a decision that God did not want me to perform that night. So I went back home. And though I haven't gone into detail other times, this is like the 4th or 5th time that happened to me recently. Everytime I drive somewhere with directions, regardless of who's reading, I seem to wind up lost. I have an insane work schedule til' Sunday but I am going to try to make it down to the Laughing Lizard Lounge to support my people and I hope that a lot of others will too. That's one of the few places I know how to get to and if it goes away, well let's just not let it go away. I read Jon Mumma's blog daily like everyone else, and may I say that if you haven't read it...DO. I think you'll find yourself smiling when you read through it cause it's just f-in awesome that someone got to meet Brian Regan. I only wish he'd gone into more detail like what cologne he wore or something. I just wanna know, rich people always smell soooo nice. Like money or something. I've decided to audition DCUP so I'll let you know how that goes for me. Not to brag(assuming that not everyone gets in, cause I honestly don't know) but I was excepted into the American Academy of Dramatic Arts when I was a senior in high school. Reason I didn't go: I believe that tuition was around $20,000 a year. Hindsight tells me that I should have done it anyway, but I figured if I was going to pay that I might as well go to college. But I enjoy all aspects of comedy and if I could perform sketches and improv and do well, that would be great. I just like the sound of other people's laughter after I'm done talking, what can I say. And yes the last few sentences might have revolved around my ego and I've made peace with that cause I'm still nothing. Wrestlemania 22 is Sunday night, I only hope that you're prepared for that. Nuff' said. I gotta do some stuff but let me run down some dates for you, cause I'm always too lazy to update. April 16th I'll be at the 955 club. June 1-3 I'll be at the Comedy Factory in Baltimore. June 17 Hyatt in Bethesda(standby), but I'm really on July 29th. That's all I can remember without my calendar or scribble in front of me. I made a friend in NY when I had a bringer show that I've actually kept in contact with. His name....Yoram Bauman. Funny man, funny. Here is a link to see his set and I promise you'll laugh. He goes by "The standup economist." www.standupeconomist.com/clips/bumper.mov Enjoy and I'll talk to you all laters.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Well clearly I lied in my last blog but never fear I have stories of my awkward life to share!

Okay so I went to the Friday show at Wiseacres and just watched. It was a decent show and though I don't remember any of the names(cause I was that drunk) I do remember a solid reaction from the crowd. I couldn't wait to get in front of paying crowds more regularly. But guess what, I got offered Saturday night's host and accepted. A problem that I have with being in the state(if you get me) that I was in, is that I don't forget things said to me, they just don't appear very clearly when I try to recall them. Kinda like my car. Which leads us to the villain of the story. I left at about 10:00 and thought everything was fine. Oh how wrong I was. My car's starter needed fixing and I had an appointment to get it done, but that appointment was not soon enough to save me. So I sat out in the parking lot trying to start that piece for almost an hour and a half. When I did get home I was relieved and thought I might have time to get it taken care of the next morning. Wrong. Wouldn't start and so I called out of work and told them I would take care of it. They weren't too upset. Try my car another few times throughout the day to get to a mechanic but that's didn't go too well. So I go upstairs and my girlfriend, who I was stuck in the house with all weekend, wants to watch a movie. We/she decide that Harry Potter whichever the newest one is, would be the best selection. She hadn't seen it; I had. So, after about 13 mins. I fell asleep. When I woke up I remember that I forgot to tell someone that I was having car trouble. I look at the clock and it's like 7:49. I'm thinking(the show doesn't start til' 8:30 so maybe someone there can host(FUCK) hopefully) I think with ADD. So I call someone. When I use the word barrage I might be a tad strong but nonetheless there were curse words to be heard. I think that may have been the smallest I've ever felt. This is why; I am a very punctual person. To the point that if you say you'll meet me at 7 and aren't there at by 7:01, your gonna hear about it. So to fuck up and come across like an irresponsible, late, no goodnick killed me. And amidst the awkwardness of being cursed at like I'm not shit, all I can think is DAMN, I FUCKED UP. I couldn't even say anything and I'm not the type of person who gives excuses so that leaves a huge gap of time before and after someone is yelling at you. Think of a dog when you yell at it. So now I'd missed two things and still hadn't taken care of the car. It's Sunday now. Someone calls around 12ish but I was already asleep. Left disturbing message. Didn't really curse. Just kept repeating a phrase that makes you gasp when you hear it. I was glad that I was asleep for that call. Could've been a lot more awkward. I guess. So on Monday I get my car taken care of. I'm not sure if any of you recall but I was quite happy with my tax return and after I paid everything off and bought some nice things for myself I had a little to stash and wait for the PS3 with. Not true after that car visit. I'm cheap so I was thinking(Please don't be $200 cause that would cut into my weed money.) It was more like $500 and then he told me he'd throw in new brake pads and rotors for $73.... I cut him off there. I simply said "No need, WAY to cheap for that." So Monday sucked. But I had not smoked in days and I did manage to knock that objective out of the park by Monday night. Yeah man. Excuse me. So, if there are any comics that are newer than myself and haven't read through every page of Chucklemonkey.com please believe me when I say that you don't ever want to find yourself in the predicament where your wondering if you've completely burned a bridge with a club. I certainly won't make that mistake again and if anyone learns from my mistake someday then good. I did get this new phone and I've been using the little voice memo thing a lot. I can't remember shit so I have a lot of my new bits and premises in there. But I'm getting ready to start hittin the clubs and open mics with a passion to try and smooth all this material out. Hopefully you guys will like it and I can get one step closet to a strong 30 secs. That was a joke, if you laughed too hard, FUCK YOU. Ciao babies.

Monday, March 27, 2006

I am having a horrible weekend....although I guess it's continued into the week!

I apologize for not having something on time like I usually do but trust me it's coming and I've decided to share the story of my car, and how it, and more importantly, I, FUCKED THIS WHOLE ORDINARY WEEKEND UP. I'll have the whole long story for you by the night.

Friday, March 24, 2006

"I've done some bad things and you may call me a monster....but before you call me, know that I accidentally broke your cell phone."

I apologize for this wait but I needed the suspense factor to be there. You can appreciate that can't you. Well tonight I'm gonna head over to Wiseacres and watch( did I say watch)YEAH, I did say watch, the show that is being put on for the night. Seems like I need to submerge myself in more comedy. And I go girlfriend-less tonight. Not that I don't enjoy her company but a lot of this scene is networking and even I feel like I'm limiting the fun people I can meet by having to accommodate someone else. But she tries to be cool about being abandoned in public now, once there was a time when that meant no NAYNAY or sex for those of you that matured early. Tomorrow night I'm gonna go check out Zig's and hope to stumble across some opportunity. I woke up this morning in one of those moods where things seem simpler than they are and you could take out a mountain if I thought I could. Probably not the case but I feel like comedy is easier today than yesterday. I wrote some, which always makes me feel better. Just the anxiety of knowing I have something new to pull out the next time I'm on a stage. It's orgasmic. But so are hot dogs, and Jujy Fruits(god bless'um I think I spelled that wrong though.) Sunday I'm contemplating going to the Comedy Spot but to be honest I think I need to find another outlet for Sundays so I'll look at DCSTANDUP.com(love the plug) under venues and then rely on word of mouth to determine the lucky winner of the week. I can't just waste gas money like that, I have a serious weed addiction that could be deadly if left unattended. And that ladies and gentlemen is expensive. Damn this illness. Aight, so I'm gonna go and do this whole weekend thing we call life and if I'm really bored and you are too, maybe I'll write something during the weekend. Probably won't though, you know. Peace everybody.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

So to answer your questions....maybe?!

No real point to that headline but it leaves a lot to be assumed right? Right. Well I haven't really done this in a little bit so here goes. I, as usual, have been a little lazy the past week so I really wish that I had gotten out to at least one more stage this week, but who knows maybe Felicitas or something. Haven't done that in a while cause when I did go there, I was treated to the antics of a woman who had alzhiemer's disease as she ran around asking people other than her husband to dance. It's okay to laugh a little. I laughed a lot.
So last night I went to tha Acres' and got to host for the first time their, not a show just the open mic. But should be a show within the next month or so I hope. Don't think I was all that funny but I think I did my best to keep the show going and I realize that hosting doesn't have all that much to do with being funny, so I have no problem with just keeping the show as fluid as possible. I think that maybe some of the new people are gonna be running( but not running) the open mic at Wiseacres now so that, in my opinion will change the atmosphere. I personally think that when they do hand us that responsibility, the show is gonna liven up. New people like myself are excited to do anything and when the time does come I will make it my own if you know what I mean. There is a difference, I think, between someone letting you host their show and someone saying O.K. this is your thing now. Just like you treat a woman differently once she is yours and you've staked her thigh. Domination. If there is anything that I can do to populate the Wiseacres open mic night more I certainly aim to try. Can't hurt to have one more place where you can go and be in front of an audience. So let's get the part where I name drop a lot. Last night was a decent showing as far as comedians bringing people with them. If any of you went on last night and I brutalized your name, I apologize. Zara Axelrod was this really funny new girl that I hope we'll all get to see more of. She was worried about going on after Rob Maher and I told her that was better for her. Then she killed with a sense of humor that I dare call....Daria meets George Carlin. But find her and make your own weird connections. Tim Miller, WELL YOU KNOW TIM. Amir(I wish I could remember, pronounce, or spell this guy's last name.) was so offensive that a 70 year-old-man was willing to waste his last precious moments heckling him. I just laughed and laughed when the old man spoke out cause he just heard one too many fucks and shits and basically said "Alright now, Son of a Bitch, that's enough. You would curse like that on a Wednesday?" He didn't say anything like that but picture him saying that with tears in his eyes, for the English language and how Amir abused it. But he stomached about 6 strong minutes of Fuck and Shit before he snapped. RESPECT! Steve Drumm was hilarious and I look forward to getting to see his act again. And how could I look past George P. Gordon III. The man the myth the legend. And for anyone that knows George, he's putting a room together and so that we can all show our support I'll let everyone know when it is and where. PACK THAT MUTHA. I'm gonna go eat and stuff so be cool babies.

Monday, March 20, 2006

TYLER R. Vs. TYLER S.

That's for Tyler. He knows(SEX). Last night was an interesting scene at the Comedy Spot. I cringed not only for myself but the people who got onstage. Curt pulled some of us aside and simply put "You guys are part of the worst show ever." And that about somes that up. However I would like to point out that Curt got the evening off to an incredibly awkward start. There were two audience members that showed up last night, a man and a woman. The woman looked as though she could be in her 40's maybe so Curt asks if they are out as a mother and son outing. The man very quickly and sternly says "Husband and WIFE." There was a feeling that went out for Curt from every comedian that got to see that. At least I think for me it was "If I could take your place- I wouldn't cause that's some awkward shit." Or something like that. This girl that's pretty new gave this set about weed. I wasn't particularly thrilled but I'll be damned if she wasn't telling my life story. I probably could've believed it more if she admitted to being a lesbian. Cause she WAS a lesbian.
Yesterday I managed to only spend $1. It was an awesome thing. And I didn't just sit around either. I though about it on my way home last night and was tickled. So I think that I've got my act now. I will simply relay how awkward my life is. And I haven't even gotten started yet. But perhaps my weird life will bring laughter to children. Cause isn't that what this is all about. Here is a random thought out loud "Why is it every time I hear Phil Collins, I kill a child?"-Tyler Richardson
I have been getting a lot of pressure to have relations with certain persons that I know and can I say, I am not a piece of meat. I don't know what it is but relations(s.e.x.) really isn't on my mind too much anymore. Queer isn't it. But it just isn't and to be honest people can be a lot more productive with it not tap dancing on the back of the mind all day. Not that I was sex crazed before a couple of months ago. A jerk here or there sure. A Trisk in the kitchen on a Monday, why not? Okay so about the title. At some time on some day Tyler S. and I are gonna have it out. And you know what Tyler since you've got a room, and better keep it, why don't we do this. You get 4 comics to battle on your behalf, and I shall do the same. We let the crowd be the judge and one way or another we settle this thing( Now truthfully, I don't know why we need to come to this, but I like the concept and now it's ON.) I'll let Mr. S take his time and get around to reading my blog whenever, and when he's ready he knows how to find me and I'm gonna go recruit my soldiers. Later ya'll.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Yeah Sunday....1 day closer to Armageddon

Hey everybody! I hope that I'll see some of you at the Comedy Spot tonight if you even read SUNDAY blogs. Since I guess that makes us both geeks, let's push on. So yesterday was a great day. For those of you that don't know, even though I don't hand you my business card, I'm a car salesman. I don't know how many of you have seen Used Cars but it's nothing like that. It's a lot more like Pink Cadillac with Robin Williams and Glengary Glen Ross. I will give you a breakdown of how a Saturday in my life goes.
I woke up at 8:25, which is a problem because the morning meeting is always at 8:30. I was clearly going to be late. So what do I do? I call my boss who is more like a close friend, to tell him not to flip cause I'm not gonna make the meeting. I take my time to get ready and take as many tokes as possible. Oh you heard me.... Then it's off to work. So I get to work right after the meetings over at like 9:08 am. No one really says anything. So I have a seat and ask people how much money is out there for today. It's not really as seedy a business as people think, there are plenty of college grads out there who wanna be a greasy car salesman. I just like the money and didn't want to grow up and get a desk job, not just yet anyway....ask me tomorrow. So these two people walk in and they are a relatively MONEY looking couple. One thing that I learned in the past two years is that when a white guy has on $2 shoes that don't even resemble Nike's, that means that theres a 1:5 chance he's got money. Just a chance. So these people told me that each one of them was gonna buy something and naturally I didn't get excited. But that would mean a lot of cash for yours truly. I like cash, and mayonaise. So hours go by and I get both of them to buy something. CAUSE I'm good like that. And I'm owed a pretty nice amount of money from management. This is where the only shit of the car business comes out. TRYING TO GET PAID. The GM made a little bet with and told me that if I did a hat trick( meaning sell one more) he would give me a nice litle $300 dollars on top of everything I had earned. I like cash so I was like Fuck You!(cause I don't like him) but I didn't say that out loud so I said okay. God I need to smack him, anyway....
I take a few more couple's that night and it's getting close to close and I have a couple that seems like they will flop. This guy did something that I think people could learn from. He took forever to pick out a car and then told me he had a trade. He had inequity in his trade and though I told him that we don't go by Kelly Blue Book value he insisted that he deserved Good Value. Which makes up the game that he and I played yesterday. Finally, and before I say the end I should let you know that with Ford vehicles if you ever buy one, there might be about 3500 dollars that you have to haggle with but don't fool yourself into thinking that after the rebate that New car still has $10,000 to negotiate with. Just ask to see the invoice, if they have something to hide and won't show it you probably don't want to buy there anyway. I told he and his wife that we might be talking about $3000 that I could play with cause it was late and since I've done this a while I have an hour guarantee that I was trying to fulfill. He didn't believe me and thought that by making ridiculious offer that involved $8-9K out of my pocket, I asked for a second to talk to my managers. I went over and told the management exactly how to make a deal with this guy. I knew what he wanted and what he would settle for even though he was making those offers. They joked then someone blurted that I hadn't been in the meeting so I don't get any cash that day. That was the rule, but since it hadn't been said til then I was still gonna get my money. So you can imagine that I was upset to hear that and yet everyone was relying on me to close this deal that it would double everyone's cash for the day. We have some interesting bonuses on Saturdays. So I chuckled and walked over to my customers. I (in about 20 seconds) completely threw away the deal and the customers and then walked back to the managers. They asked where they were and I said "They are with my money!, have a good night everybody." I just love Saturdays.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I shat the bed last night...On accident.

Alright, so I lied about that. But yet again the headlines that make no sense are getting more than a glance so I'll start to get real creative with those, but be forewarned, the last time someone thought to hard about something I was saying they lost all their teeth instantly. Instantly.
I would be wrong if I didn't mention Bird Knight is on the showcase tonight at Wiseacres. I believe Jessica Paquin will also be there. And Basil White will be hosting. Bored(yeah), go(okay, just as long as my bosses don't throw a fit.) I gotta say that Jessica had a great new set last night. It made me moist. Think on that for a minute...............Done. And I got most of the slew of stuff off my chest by talking really fast. I didn't really perform so much to see if it was funny so I didn't pause too much. Just needed to hear an appropriate amount of laughter as I was whizzing through to verify that this new stuff was AIGHT. And I think it's gonna be cool. Tim Miller was drunk as hell of a few drinks. Damn. That is all I have to say but he was hurtin peoples feelings like a white man in charge last night(by that I mean without remorse and almost like you weren't even human to begin with. We've all had that boss.) He knows what I mean. I hope he's still alive. I think he drove home. Hmmmm. I actually had a girl get up in my face for no reason today and question whether or not I was "high". Ain't that a bitch. I hadn't said anything to her and she half joking was making a spectacle out of me and I really questioned whether or not I was gonna get fired. But luckily I didn't get seen or caught by anyone that matters cause like I whispered to her "I'm always high stupid, now get out of my face.(Might I say that that period should be bolded.)" So there bitch. Gotta work some but I'll touch back later, there's more blogging for everyone to do now...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

There are some of you out there that say hip hop music isn't as lyrical as it once was. Well my generation has something to offer and to you I give exhibit #1:[Bubba Sparxxx]Hahahahahahah! Don't be scared of meCome on over here and let Bubba infect youUhh, uhhFrom the slums the East of Athens to the plains in North LaGrangeBubba K can stumble drunk up on any porch I hangSmokin all sources dank - from Jimmy Shwagger to CambudAnd I'm chasin Jim Beam, we keep stallin until my time's upLine up lames it's time for your vaccinationBe glad you been infected, accept it, congratulationsI got platinum asperations but fear's my motivationI'ma wait in my time to shine but daily I grow impatientStrictly for procreation, I need to plant my seedsSince these bitches won't cut I'll rely on my hand to breatheFuckin this Cantonese, Betty named Tamberlyand her four older sisters 'til the blisters began to bleedThey probably'll banish me for spittin in how I'm live itBut I'm still with my tongue out - flickin it like a lizardBubba like chicken gizzards; fried in Southern prideMan go on and drink dat beer but you know I'ma funnel mine[Chorus: Bubba Sparxxx]Now you could shoot it in yo' veins or shoot it up straight to yo' brainYou could smoke it out a bowl or get a blunt and roll it swoleLo and behold boy you should've done injectedCause if you ride with me I'ma get you so infectedNow you could hit that Betty raw or bust a load off in her jawYou could place it where she doo doo, or even lick her poo dooSee I don't care what you do, just don't leave her neglectedCause if you fall asleep I'ma get her so infected![Bubba Sparxxx]I just got off the phone with God, he said - I know this might seem oddBut Bubba I really need you, these preachers ain't doin they jobSo travel to Cape Cod, buy a thousand sheets of acidand distribute it witcho' album, no doubt that'll be a classicDude lockin up every fashion, whether it's dope from weed to cokefrom heroin to X, so next we needin a boatOff the coast of eastern Georgia for two hundred keys of snortFor them heavy reefer chiefers, the five was trees to blowThey count on me fo' sho', if you fronted I'm goin the lowMan I'm from who did it though, but it's funny, cause no one sold itBut now that Bubba hold it I'm certain they gon' disperse itThe rural parts the suburbs, I know that may seem absurdBut long ago when I heard they meet the urban peopleThey play by ears for years now my folks deserve some equalAffection from this infection that gives our foundationThe same blood the same drugs equals a proud nation[Chorus][Bubba Sparxxx]Shit I probably know what you thankin when yo' legs get wobbly drankin(Bubba K got it hard!) That's when they found yo' body stankinAnd you won't be body linkin, what you thought I was from N'Sync?I'm a country muh'fucker who ain't changed my clothes in six weeksRunnin with a thick fleet, of hungry CaucasoidsThe type when you see us in the club actin up y'all avoidCall your boys I got boys from Westpoint to Nelly BYeah I run with black folks too and they do carry heatPlus I fuck with smelly freaks and I think they pussy very sweetThe fine Betty Betty with double D's and sexy feetOn coke or ecstasy, down here we call 'em Beanie BabiesShe was sensitive to the touch so when we fuck I mean it's gravybut I ain't seen her lately - I been too busy chasin patientsWe gon' shoot a movie next just so yo' ass can play the hatinIf the livest in yo' faction tellin me where the mic's atHe won't never rap again and he might not ever get his pride back[Chorus] - 2X[Bubba Sparxxx]Exactly like thatNow we all infected..Now yo' life's the same as mineAnd my life's the same as yoursWe all standin in the same, same shit..I thank God and KhalifaniAnybody else got infected, or willin to be infectedNonsense.. Bubba Sparxxx (SO HAHAHAHAHA!) I really wanted to draw you attention to this part of the song(Now you could hit that Betty raw or bust a load off in her jawYou could place it where she doo doo, or even lick her poo dooSee I don't care what you do, just don't leave her neglectedCause if you fall asleep I'ma get her so infected!) If you don't love that then you don't know what music is BITCH!...

Writin'

I always get in a writin' mood when I watch a lot of Seinfeld. It motivates the hell out of me. I admire him a lot. And I want the characters life. Wow that was creepy. But at least you guys got to judge me for free. Psychologists get paid a lot to hear that kind of money and judge you, then they don't really let you know what they thought of you. I know, I've done that stuff before(Is he joking?). Had a hell of a day yesterday. Without going into too many details I'll just say that I ran around all day taking care of something, only to have blown my money on something else that wasn't important. So to get my confidence back up I played some Smackdown Vs. Raw 2006 and wailed on those suckas. And drank beer. I love Tuesdays. I've got so much new stuff to get off my chest that I'm gonna have to go to some more open mics. You know how you get excited about new stuff and just can't wait to try it out on anybody that will listen. But then your friends are like "oh, another joke..." And you feel like you've exhausted that resource. I've got a case of that right about now. Even my girlfriend has started to mock the look these days. What can you do though. I watch those road comic forums just to hear other people speak of what it's like to be a comic. Damn this addiction. Damn Brian Regan. He makes it look so easy! Why. I must go read the afternoon blogs of comedians because my curiosity is killing me. I will be back within the next couple hours to give you what for. See ya'll a little later.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Reasons why I hate other comedians!

Hello there. That headline is gonna give you false hope if you reading this for juicy bits. I just thought it might stop people from looking away after 0 seconds if they saw that when they first looked at the page. I'm sorry that I've deceived you. No, no I'm not. So this weekend was something special. I made quite a bit of money at work and blew it at Jiffy Lube. I had to beak down and tell the guy who was putting 79 dollars here and there that I'm cheap and I really hate spending money on my car. So I walked out of there with only $122 in damages instead of whatever number he originally said that my eyes wouldn't allow me to see. He showed me the page of price and all I saw was porn (where the price should be.) That's my cheapness for ya. It's always looking out for my best interest. Spent the day watching Stand-up comedy specials all day. It makes for a good Sunday. I could watch Ron White all day long. As far as white comedians go in a black man's eyes, HE'S THE SHIZZEL. I would love to be as relaxed as him someday on stage. It was incredible for me to sit back in admiration to watch him now. But I feel that way a lot. Seeing the control and ease with which they go in and out of bits. Bring it back in case you forgot and then, right when you think that they've given you the best they serve up something else that's original and blow you away. By the way I have a confession to make. I watched an episode of Mind of Mencia. That's not the bad part, entirely. I caught myself not once but three times I laughed at a hack joke and knew it but fell victim to the man's charm. I'm sorry. I cut myself a little bit for every chuckle so I believe that counts for repentance. I think...
SO, this weekend believe that I will be watching Wiseacres to get a good show and see how it's done. Anyone that feels like joining please do. You'll probably find me in the back looking shy and suspicious. That's just how I roll. I will say this about networking. Sometimes it's so hard if your the slightest bit impatient. I won't drop names but someone told me I would be working at X on Y. Now that's cool with me cause I'm hungry like that, right? I'm not the type of person who gets a girls phone number and calls after three weeks to check up on her. I call that night. I'm not cool enough for that stuff. So naturally I'm constantly like "Hey how's that going?" Oh, it's going, just wait til X... That's how everybody treats me. The only reason that I remotely want people to think I'm funny is cause I want respect. Not like I'm the president of comedy or anything, just like "Hey, it's Tyler." That kind of respect. Almost everytime that I go somewhere new, like Jokes on Us comedy club, the same thing happens. Example: I walk in the club and have to say excuse me a million times for two people to slide and step on my shoes. Then they look at me like I don't belong. I hear people making jokes about the scrawny black guy who looks like a bitch(they might not be, but when I hear laughter that I haven't caused I assume it's about me. Cause isn't it. What else could they be laughing about, LIFE. C'mon.). Then I perform and am funny to some aspect. Then everything changes. All of the sudden people say hello, then want to see my penis. Big black guys come up to me and give me that "Hey man, that was funny, but I could still crush you though." Cause that's the best compliment that you can get from a muscular person. I think; it's the best I've gotten anyway. But I love earning that respect on some level. Even though I hate that it's always gotta go like that for me, I feel like I truly accomplished something by getting those kudos from people that wouldn't ordinarily give me the time of day.
And lastly, I read a lot of blogs throughout the day, kinda like Rory said in his blog today. I just want to point out that I have no say on the Blog Wars, cause I'm new. And for anyone thinking that they might find some kind of subliminal DISS to any other comic. Not gonna happen. If I want to say something to someone(other than Ms. Berrigher, in the past) I'll say it where everyone can't print it and expose me for the insecure man that I am. Thus, I don't say anything. It works for now, but someday when I'm more known in the area, THE SHIT WILL FLY! Oh it will fly. And you can keep tuning in from time to time to see how that goes. And is it just me or does not seeing your blog along with everyone else's make you feel like that kid who didn't get picked for the basketball team, over the retarded kid. Am I wrong? Nope. Bye ya'll we'll do this again real soon. Peace you three!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Richmond

I will be at the 9:55 club on April 16th at a showcase. So if your thinking about that day on the day, stop on by. Just go. They'll be punch and pie.(No, not really.) Richmond in the house. Hopefully if I do this right my next call to that club won't be quite so awkward. Won't go into details, but I've had smoother conversations.

WTF

So I've been monitoring this blog of mine and apparently no one is actually reading this. They just tune in for literally one or two seconds and then leave. So I write this for the one person...Hopefully a girl, that is actually reading this. I went to Wiseacres yesterday and it was interesting. Apparently people have been using the stage to get a lot of curse words out of their system. I can't really knock it cause I curse a lot off stage. But we got a serious talking to before the night go started and seeing a bunch of comedians getting chewed it hilarious. Everyone's eyes are darting all across the room cause they want to laugh but they don't want to deal with the consequences of laughing. I just stare at the ground like I do whenever I feel awkward. It' gotten me through many a sticky situation. Like a holding cell. And afterward everyone was skeptical of speaking for like a minute. I synchronised my breathing with Leo Goodman's. Just cause it's fun, and you know it is. Completely unrelated note, I like to hold my breath a little when I'm driving. Only in between poles though, it's a weird thing that I've done since I was a child. For the one person that is actually reading this, shoot me a line and tell me something weird that you do. Let's just get crazy with this. Get interactive with this. C'mon let's just do it. So back to the show, here are some names that I'm gonna drop just cause I like what they did last night. I think I'm gonna do this from now on, just cause I like to give props and should someone want to judge me for that, FUCK YOU. Back to my name dropping:Leslie Cooley had a great new set, Tim the muthafuckin man Miller, Leo Goodman(and might I say I personally wasn't all that blown away by Leo before, but if you saw him at the Last comic Standing open call you would have a newfound respect for him. And his act is tighter now, maybe it's the confidence but I let him know how I felt, he made me a fan in the last couple of days) Jim Elliott who could shit in a bag onstage and still have girls throwin puss at him. Having trouble remembering everything so I'll leave it at that. I've been playing with the idea of starting a group to sketch and standup. I think one of those shows would be so much fun I ejaculated. Just then. And then. Then too. Make no mistake though, I want it to be really funny so hopefully by the end of the year this won't just be mindless banter and I can bring this to fruition. But if this does happen the lineup will be good, I accept only the BEST. And friends. And lover's. And Jews. Hey and if there are any comics reading this and you think you might be interested in something like that go ahead and drop me a line or e-mail or comment or something. I promise that I'll be funny. There now you can write to me. I'll write later today and I want to see actual times on this page. To hell with this two seconds crap, you need to read this. I've predicted Armageddon and sprinkled the date somewhere throughout my blog entries. I want you to know, but you have to read to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Wednesdays

I don't have much right now, and I'll save my story for a little later, but I put my DC Improv showcase on my work in progress. So now you can go to that link and see why I didn't win, and yeah, I did do that Kwanzaa bit again. Bread and butter baby, bread and butter.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

New York 2

Good to be back. So where do I begin? Let's just walk through this whole trip from right about where I left with the last blog. So Tim Miller shows up at my headquarters for adventure, aka my job, and we get suited up to go off to New York. I drove first but naturally I left something at home so we had to make a quick little stop. Grab my shit. Hit the road. It was cool cause despite our water and wine mixture, we taste good. For those of you that ain't hip to that lingo, that means that we good along great. Hardly ever an awkward moment. But I'll get to that later. So we get to New York about 8:00 and we left at 4:00 so we were making alright time. That's PM time that I'm talking about by the way. We drove by the club in Times Square just to see if people would really line up this early when the doors didn't open until 10:00 am. We thought that we might be able to make a few stops and sight see before we jumped in the line with the others. Sure enough there was a line. About 21 people deep, seeing as though Tim was 22 and I was number 23. Not a bad spot though. Now for of you who don't know exactly how cold it was, the majority of the time that we were there it was about 29 degrees. Fucking cold man. So we park the car and go to the line. I had this old ass dirty comforter with me and since I thought I would buy a chair to sit on I didn't wash the dog hair or slobber off it. Sorry Tim. But we'll get to that part of the story. We went to Sbarro's where Tim tried to find a bathroom and I got the "Your a Hobo!" look and treatment from everyone. Like that town had never seen a Hobo eyeing up some pizza. PLEASE. Finally, Tim shuts of his faucet and we get to business, OPEN CALLS!
DC Comedians were in synch even without trying. As soon as we cross the street who should come walking up but Leo Goodman. He's a good man(I had to. Come on.) Then a few minutes behind him the Bonnie and Clyde of this shit walked up. I'm talking about Jimmy Merritt and Leslie Cooley. I've got to say that it was cold, I had to listen to a million bits from strangers wanting praise, and there were several an odd occurence but because of those four being with me, I had a great time. It was definetley worth it. And since we were in the beginning I think we might get to see one of us on TV. Allow me to go through some of the odd things that happened since 4:00 yesterday.
The club was still serving people when we got there so we stood outside the window in front of families trying to eat. I can only imagine what must have been going through their minds as it looked like 50 homeless people decided to beg there for the night. There were a couple of comedians that were in front of me and they had their good and bad moments. Good, letting me have a seat in the chair that you weren't using. Bad, telling me when my ass hits the seat that I gotta get up if someone wants it. Bad, telling your hack jokes all night and making eye contact while you laugh at your own jokes, your trapping me into laughter. Bad, pulling over a homeless guy who had obviously been on the street for some time. Then questioning him for your own enjoyment to belittle him in front of comedians. That was the low moment of the trip for me. I don't really feel sorry for people, but I slept on the street last night and I'm still bitchin. This guy took a shit life and even tried to set himself apart from the other homeless guys with clever signs. Example: "Ninja Niggers killed my family. Need money for martial arts lessons." Not bad. It gets a laugh. And this took all the lame jokes that some fat shit had to throw at him and stayed calm and didn't suck him off or stab him or anything. I dig it. But after this long story about his life and trouble and where he had been, he answered the guy's main question with "But to answer your question, Cocaine is my drug of preference." Up til' that moment a lot of us were on his side, but then our minds just shifted to "Go away now." I got like no kinda sleep, but when I did I got woken up twice. The first time was because I had to pee. I found out that at 3:45 in the morning there aren't a lot of places willing to let you come in and pee. So I walked alone for a few dark blocks to a 24/7 McDonald's. But after I was done I wanted a burger and the girl asked me for a specific amount without the cashier. That made me suspicious but then she told me it was gonna be a four minute wait on my Spicy Chicken sandwich and I don't play that shit so I bounced. Didn't get back to sleep for a while though. When I finally did like 2 hours later, some dick walks past yelling two minutes and clapping at like 5 am. One more time I fall asleep. Then they wake us up at like 6:45 telling everyone that the line is loose and that we need to scoot. For some reason we all believed that meant we were going in. No, and when 10:00 did come everyone put their game faces on. We were the second real group to be let in to the club. It was so cold that I did not stop shaking until a minute before I went on stage. So I went on stage and did my Kwanzaa routine, I had something set up for afterwards but never got there. I did not get cut off early, so that was good, I got to finish my whole Kwanzaa joke before they cut me off. Of course they asked me how long I had been doing this and for some reason I told the truth. They asked if I had enjoyed the whole thing because a lot of people had been complaining about it when they got turned away I guess. But what does the weather have to do with being funny. Nothing. THEY TOLD ME I NEEDED A COUPLE MORE YEARS EXPERIENCE. I would like to believe them but that might have just been their line for the first half of the people they wanted to tell no to. On the other hand I got to see a female NY comic who was just like me got up. Same response. All the DC Comics had nothing to be ashamed of. And as far as the ones that I care about, I saw them. I think that though none of us made it, I personally feel like I had a blast. Performed on stage at Caroline's. That was a first and it was a lot bigger than I expected. Silly me. And I did good. I saw stiffs in suits laughing along with the tech guys holding the cameras. They laughed where I wanted them too and maybe their advice was true and I'm not ready for that. But, I won't beat myself up about it cause I know that I was funny. And anybody reading this knows that if I was bitter I'd probably go ahead and say my piece, but I'm not. As we left I felt so bad, cause we only got excited about why we came 4 minutes before we went on stage. That fucking wind was slammin us the whole time and took my mind off of a lot of things. But again, Lots of fun and I'll see anybody going to The Comedy Dock tomorrow. By the way there was a seperate story from last night that I want to share but I'll wait for tomorrow with that. You've had your fix. YOU'VE HAD YOUR FIX!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Been a good day already?

Well I guess that it has been for me. In the last 48 hrs. I can say that there hasn't really been any news that's depressed me. I had a blast at the Laughing Lizard Lounge, and last night's open mic at the Comedy Spot was great. There may not have been a huge crowd, but I felt very comfortable and tried to let my routine flow. And true to my goals, I have written a lot in the last week or so and am continuing to do so. I think that I'm starting to look at this more like a business that a fun hobby that I was hoping will make me rich. Gotta earn it, right. And it feels like the more comfortable you are the more people can read that and they just kinda sit back and listen like you were just kickin' it on the block. You KNOW. So I'm feeling good about going to N.Y. for this open casting call. Not that it will matter, BUT IT MATTERS TO ME. And that's what's important. Right?
Well, on a more realistic note, I got good news this morning. I'm gonna be a father! No, but I will be the Master of Ceremonies at the Baltimore Comedy Factory on June 1-3. That was great to hear, because I'll get the opportunity to get in front of paying people and hopefully make them empty their bowels on all of the occasions that I'm able do just that. I gotta tell you, this community of comics is irreplaceable. I have only been out of town a little. But that doesn't matter. I think everyone should give themselves a pat on the back, for being so damn cool. Whether it's someone on the verge of bustin' out or an open mic'er that greener than a blade of grass. All the people that I've met have been great and I enjoy going to shows and talking to all you interesting people just as much as performing. I wouldn't want to come out of any other area. And anyone who travels about the area and sees a good 4-5 shows in different places can see that there is some undeniable talent that will someday have people talking about all the comics running things being from D.C.! Can't wait for that. Well that might just do it for today, cause shortly Tim Miller and I will be hitting the road. I can't imagine how much fun 100 or more comedians can have talking to each other while we freeze outside for a day, but I think that alone will make it worth it. The money involved is something of another matter though. I am cheap. And you better believe it baby. Lastly, Patricia Berrigher. I hope I spelled that right. I apologize for any unkind words that I said. Not because we had some great coming together last night, but because it was childish. In retrospect I took something to heart that was so small I am embarrassed. So if you read this, know that I want us to be on a clean slate. Well folks, I will write back with a very in depth report of my findings in New York and until we meet again, hello...

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Big Takeover

Well first off let me say that I enjoyed myself throughly at the Big Takeover tonight. I had to leave after the comedians cause my car's garage shut down at 1:00 am. But, I got to see a lot of the big names in the area go on stage and that was cool in itself for me. To get to look at where they are and try to pinpoint things I should improve. I got to talk to Frank Hong for a minute, and that is one funny guy. He got to witness me acting out something stupid then mistakenly karate chop a guy with a mohawk coming up the stairs we were chatting on. Yet another awkward moment in my life. But the Mohawk guy was cool about it, I hadn't put the proper amount of STANK on it. Rory Scovel was hilarious and I really wanted to see the guy who's name I had seen plastered on everything comedy in this area. I was taken aback. Very good and he does make it look like he's not even trying. Loved it. Erin Jackson ripped the place apart. My girlfriend couldn't stop talking about her all the way home. And Erin, should you ever read this, "If I see you in peril and am able, I owe you, ONE LIFE SAVE, it's the least I could do." She knows. Kojo also had his way with us. Even when he wasn't on stage. Everytime I felt awkward about something, I would look over at Kojo and he'd be looking at me with a sinister smile. It was so sinister that I felt happy and went back to doing the one two step with everyone in the back. And Tyler S, I think that you put together a great show. The place was packed and standing room only, and the band was good. So good that people started leaving the room after they left, but good none the less.
Now if I may let me share with you something that was odd and I laughed about it all the way home. After my set I was in the back listening to everyone's hilarious ANTICS?!(Weird word choice) Two couples walk past me. Actually there were like two Third Wheels in the two couples. But they did have some big titties. Sorry. So they stumble out the door and I was like "I'm gonna go have a cigarette." So like 3 minutes later I go out the door. This one guy is swearing at his woman and keeps saying "Aight Bitch!" No one else in the group was saying anything so I smoked right through that Springer shit. Then they say good-bye. I start walking around the corner to go back inside and I notice the guy going into the bar across the street next. I thought to myself that he didn't really need to hit up another bar. Then I thought about it and I was like, hell yeah, I need to go bar hopping next weekend. Then I went inside.
So I'm on my way out of the club and I have to walk forever to get to the garage. That's because mapquest is shitty, and notice how I did not capitalize their name. That's what we call a victory however you can get one. JUST WIN BABY. No exclamation point.(There's a guy at my job who actually talks like that. Example: "I have to tell you that I don't agree COMA I respect what you are saying FORWARD SLASH.... and it goes on and on like that. But it makes me laugh.) On the walk to the car I see a cop at the corner and immediately I paniced. I am a black man holding a white woman's hand late at night. If she headfaked or jerked that would be enough to get me laid out. Rodney. So I then notice that he's got a guy up against the car and two women are standing behind him. In my mind I'm like "I know it can't be... and sure e-fucking-nough it was the guy who was shouting Aight Bitch and to those of you who were there, he was shouting Orgy at the top of the stairs while people were performing. Oh he was a 'bute. And it struck me so funny I could hardly contain myself. Then I walk directly in front of him and he turns to the cop and says "Your a DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!" I immediately blurt out "Your going to jail baby" but in a singing voice(I'll gladly demonstrate it for whoever wants to pull me aside and enquire.) And that's the end, I laughed all the way back to my house and he hasn't really been out of my thoughts since I drove past him when three other cop cars had shown up for back up. Jail. In a similar story on the walk to the club from the car I heard a very loud conversation between three seemingly thugish guys. They were talking about how one of them had pushed the other just to get to a girl. And he was going off too. I was thinking, bitch let it go. But wouldn't say that shit out loud at night. I turned around cause my girlfriend walks way too slow, and saw that they were two fat guys, and a geek. And that enable me to put on a confident strut in the presence of hoodlums, in my girl's mind. And that will ultimately get me laid. That or Chitterlings. She loves Chittelings. But I must go, had a great night and look forward to more comedy.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Exciting Times

Well the next few days are going to be fun. I've got tonight to drink and chillax, then tomorrow I get to go to the first of hopefully several Laughing Lounge "Big Takeover". After we finish rockin that out, then Sunday night I'm gonna go practice over at the Comedy Spot, should be interesting. For those who have not gone back to the very first blog or three, I had a weird experience the last time I was at the Comedy Spot. I just found out that Ms. Barrigher(I think I spelled that right?) will be hosting yet again. Now I would never assume that she would read this blog and if she did good. But, I did not think that situation would come up again, and I get very awkward very fast. You have no idea. With that said, my act is a lot cleaner now then it was at the time I last saw them. Least it is until I start swearing anyway. When you can swear in front of a bunch of strangers and make them laugh is there anything sweeter. I think not, and you should too. But I know I won't have that problem this time. I feel good about a lot of the writing that I've thought of this week. I haven't been truly pleased with something that I've written for some time now. It's a pity. But I think I'm ready to slay'em and only time will tell. I can't wait until Thursday though. Then life will be back to normal for a minute and I can slow down and have me some sex. Can't remember the last time I did that. But I smoke weed quite a bit so that's not really saying much. Might be going on three days now. Oh o, I gotta get back to work but I will be updating again later so stay tuned...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

New York

I love any excuse that gets my ass to N.Y. doesn't really matter what it is. Death in the family; sure. Transgender surgery; why not? Or stashing the body or a prostitute that accidentally swallowed that sock; only if it's Tuesday! Just being there makes you feel important and I wish that life were a musical whenever I walk down the street. I want everyone to burst into song and start a crisp choreographed dance routine. Nothing sloppy either, 1,2,... pop. "It must be green" okay. That's a Fifth Element reference. Gotta do you homework before you step into Tyler's Labyrinth of useless information. People have been lost so long that they began to recycle their own food. I'm talking about eating poop for you laymen. And those who like the word poop. Polyester suits should be outlawed. This guy in front of me has on a suit with a matching Elmer Fudd hat at his desk. It's never that cold outside. And I let him know it. Our greeting this morning went like this: "Hey Deaven good morning" Me: "Damn, but it won't ever be could enough for that shitty ass hat you got on!" True story. And thank you, you too can stop bad apparel in it's tracks. Next time you see a blatant fashion fau pa(forgive the spelling, I went for phonetics cause the spell check didn't know the right way and people at work us a calculator for short division), let that bitch have it. Please, for the sake of the children.

Hello Again

Hey everybody. Meant to post a blog yesterday but I hope you can forgive me. I was playing Smackdown online and you know how the time can fly. On a completely different note, I have been looking at open mics a lot more like practice then I did before the Improv. I think that after reading Rory Scovel's blog on comedy and then going to that competition it taught me that I'm not having enough fun onstage and letting it flow like I should be. But now I go and it feels very different in a good way I guess. I was too caught up in trying to get a good response and impress people that I didn't experiment and I still don't feel I've found that one thing to base my act off of. But I'm writing and writing and hopefully it will hit me. My girlfriend just keeps telling me to be myself, and while that's great idea, step back and think about it. When you think hard about who you are, you get confused, then you lie here and there, then you forget, and so I have am a little stuck on that one. But, I got the feeling that it's coming real soon.
I had a great time at Wiseacres last night. Don't get me wrong, there were like 7 people sprinkled in the crowd and all in the back, but I feel extremely comfortable on that stage. I just saw a co-worker with a scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz tie on. Just thought I'd share. Ever have one of those days that feels like American Beauty. I get those a lot. I get all caught up in the majestic scenery that we take for granted. And I know what your thinking, and yes, I was in the marching band in high school. There I'm glad that's off the old chest hair. Oh o, I feel a poop comin on. Wuh, I feel a poop comin on cuz, wup wup. A couple poops comin on cuz, a couple poops comin on cuz wup wup, there dey was. That's from Kanye West's first album but I tailored the lyrics a little for your pleasure. Q---Who the hell invented this ugly ass letter anyway. It looks like a balloon that's floating away. But the same goes for----R.
I merely wanted to wet your palette with these few words. I will get back after I've made it look like I've done some work. Ciao babies.

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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