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Friday, June 15, 2007

WAR!?

It was a rainy day, that cold air still chaps my lips at the thought of it. I think I reached for Carmex cause the 7-Eleven was out of chapstick.... I got off topic, let's go back to the first sentence. It was so cold and I could sense that today would be like no other. A knock at the door made me stop practicing what it might be like to be handicapped and I quickly stopped crawling around on the floor and went to answer. Upon opening I realised that there was child at my door. Now he wasn't anything special but I was out of garbage bags to dispose of him with and if I fed him well perhaps there would be no reason to have to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to name him but every time he touched something of mine, I tired of yelling out "Stop that Unloved!" So, I decided to go with ..... Jermaine. I would make his middle name something strong like Richardson or Christ but right as I was going to give him a last name, he hung my cell phone up on a rather attractive woman that was calling. How FOWL, i thought to myself. And, there you have it.
I grew to despise him less over the time that we spent together, occasionally I would feed him. Not food buy human standards but since he's still alive I'm considering food anyway. One day I happened upon a hobo that was choking on something, I stood and watched as he passed on and made awkward eye contact with me(a stranger on his way to work) and got Jermaine all kinds of clothes and things. Oh, you should have seen how his twisted, evil face just light up like a ghetto Christmas tree... cause instead of braces I fastened some strong twigs to his teeth. You name it, we did; I dare not even mention the time that I took him on his first adventure to the orphanage. "Your grades are slipping Jermaine, you know I don't love you right? Then, get your act together or you coming back here real soon." He got the picture.... cause I didn't love him. One day he asked me for a Super Nintendo. I laugh now, but I beat him within an inch of his sweet life that day, just to teach the lesson that I'm not made of money. I told him later that day that if he likes he could watch me play my X-Box, but only for one night. Plus, he was old enough that I was afraid he would tamper with my coffee. You know what I mean too. It was hard when he started dating, cause I was generally able to talk the women out of dating him before they had their first date. I don't know why I laugh so hard whenever he cries, but many a night I would sleep in the hall and laugh myself to sleep while he scratched at the door and cried all night. I'll be honest, I'm laughing right now. Goodness I hate him(as I wipe a tear of laughter away from my face), I gotta stop thinking of the good times at work cause people will think it's weird that I'm laughing so hard while working. Where was I... ah, got it. I'm happy to say that despite what you think of the way he smells, I bathed him at least twice over the years and I remember the joy of playing fetch with the Fowlest and not having the swat away all the spill over flies. They can gather on filth folks, trust me... better yet ask him.
Well, you might wonder what young Fowlest did that made he and I such bitter rivals. Not too long ago it came to my attention that he has one of the most disgusting habits known to our society right now. When, I checked on why I still hadn't seen his report card(hoping there would be a "B", those always gave me reason enough to give lashings) I saw him with my own two eyes. Laughing and saying those awful words "De De Deee!" I screamed like a woman who was fornicating and spotted Jason.
ME: Fowlest what is that.
Fowlest: The Mind of Mencia...
ME:Is the remote broken?
Fowlest: No, this is like my favorite show.
ME:(gasp) Get off my lawn and I don't ever want to see you again. And, Fowlest..
Fowlest: Yeah Mr. TRichardson
ME: You know I never loved you right?
That was how it all went down folks. And, sometimes I wake up and swear I can hear him scratch at the door for a chance to sleep on the tile in my kitchen. I could just swear I can hear those ugly tears stream down his face.... and I get the chance to laugh myself to sleep. Have a safe weekend everybody. Laters..........

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

well hello

Hey kids, how are you out there? Quick question, is the fact that my tire was flat this morning and my dog peed all in my slipper the sign of a bad day to come. Oh, by the way I was like 20 minutes late. Oh, and Tyler from Elliot in the morning told me that a story I wanted to share was too boring to get on the air. Oh, and (I swear this just happened) I had to make a business call and leave a message for someone, in the beginning of the call I had to burp the started speaking very fast... thinking I was hung up cause I thought I pressed the button I gave a burp. But, was still on the call! I just looked down and saw the lights were still on. Oh, what a day I'm having.
Fun in the sun today cause it's hump day. Live it up folks. Tomorrow my boss takes my team and I out for lunch. Awesome, cause they deserved it and I'm the new guy. Though I think the money I saved I blew last night at a bar. I'm not a bar person and it was an awkward way to pass the time. The whole time I was sitting there I just kept thinking "Oh, Tyler, you're better than this." Rented Ghost Rider, and from what I saw it was pretty good, even though I never had any interest in that comic book hero, and the same goes for Blade. The Fowlest and I have a blog war so let me be the first to throw a stone....I hate him. Go Jermaine.....

Monday, June 11, 2007

Great Fri.+Sat. but ohhh that Sun.

First let me start by saying that I've been listening to nothing but the Girl from Ipanema...I know the elevator music. But, everything is gravy when your listening to that song, just gravy. It may be my new favorite song(and the version that I'm talking about has lyrics.)

Traffic was awesome cause it was pretty non-existent today, I got to work early(did he say earl..)I said early.

Saw Rory on Comedy Central...awesome. The asian guy after was also quite funny but Herbie and I took that guy's set to run to Taco Bell. But, the show was awesome....I've used that word too much throughout this blog already.

Ned Divine's was interesting on Fri, but we had fun anyway. I got to chill and meet the staff for a couple of hours, which was one of the highlights of the night. One word, Russian.

So, let's talk about awkward. Yesterday, I was out shopping for a gift cause it was my mother's b-day. Everything was fine between a friend and I until I saw an ex (friend of hers...f buddy), well since I've heard her go on and on about this guy I was blown away when I didn't really see what the big deal is. In my mind I'm saying "this is why we don't bang?!" So, in typical fashion, I GOTTA BE ME, so I said something and now I'm pretty sure we aren't friends anymore. It was so awkward that I just handed her money and let her wait for the check alone. Well, that's TRich for you I guess. laters....

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Life is damn neat perfect

I am in a phase of my life where everything is so perfect that all I can say is hurray. So, let's get past the new job and apartment.... nah, let's enjoy this for just a minute. I think that most of my last year was important to who I am to become. Let's go back a year, to when I was fired from my job as a car salesman and having what was clearly the most devastating part of my 24 year old life, to now. I was down and out, not performing because of how broke I was and yeah, even having problems with my "THEN" girlfriend. Over the last year I got that job back and she left right after I guess she thought I wouldn't have a suicidal breakdown... luckily, she was right(but I wouldn't even spend a night in jail over that girl). So, there was no choice but to try to make life a little better for myself. I slowly realized months later that if I was gonna be anything but the person I was spiraling into, I might need to make a change. So, I gave up smoking weed for a long time(in my mind) to make sure that I wouldn't have any problem when the right job came along. Then came finding a new place to live. Since the ex lived so close to the old place, I needed to find a place that wouldn't force me to look at a guy's car in her driveway.... so moving was definite. I had a plan right from the get go though(yeah that rhymed), I was gonna keep my job just long enough to get a new place then get a real job. And folks, that exactly what happened.
It's June now, so I figure that half the year was successful since I accomplished those two things and now I have two other things on my mind. I need to dive into comedy in ways that I haven't yet, and I need a new car. The car part isn't just because of the old ass Corolla that I've been pushin' but mostly cause it causes me shame now that I smacked it into a guard rail the last time I left the Lizard. The comedy part is cause now I have no reason other than trying to get some sleep before I wake up and face traffic, to not get out almost every night of the week and work on some f@ckin' jokes. That douche bag that made a comment a blog or two ago wasn't right, but I'll always have work to do on my comedy til' the day I can stop sayin' "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson" aka TRich. Ask the Fowlest N!gga on the Planet how to pronounce the latter. I got six months to prove myself wrong but I don't aim for failure. Oh yeah, a woman that I could trust would be a nice replacement for a car, but comedy will always be on that list.
If anyone isn't happy then I truly feel for you and I hope that you have some kind of faith that everything will be okay. Whether it's religion or just blind faith, we must believe that better things are going to happen to us through the rough times or what the F@ck are we living for. I, myself, just believe that God had a plan.... but that's not for everybody.
I was reading Jay Hastings' blogs today and all I'm gonna say is... "weren't we all thinkin' that sh#t anyway?!" I like Curt, but S@it. That is all.
Don't think that there won't be a blog on Monday cause I've got Soho to hit and now that I've got my weekends, why the hell wouldn't I have plenty to talk about on Monday... I don't know either. Ladies and gentlemen, here's to the rest of 2007! Laters...

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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