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Friday, November 30, 2007

Can I get emotional for a second please?


Nevermind this picture of the joker... though it is beautiful, right? I don't have much for today cause all I did was watch T.V. and fall asleep early last night. But, this Lupe Fiasco song that I had pretty much ignored has become my favorite song now. It is one of the few moments that I actually think of my father that I don't speak to, and haven't spoken to for almost 2 years now...


He Say, She Say

by

Lupe Fiasco


I can't, I won't, I can't, I won't Let you leave

I don't know what you wantYou want more from me?

She said to him"I want you to be a father

He's your little boy and you don't even bother

Like "brother" without the R

And he's starting to harbor

Cool and food for thought But for you he's a starver

Starting to use red markers on his work

His teacher say they know he's much smarter

But he's hurt Used to hand his homework in firstLike he was the classroom starter

Burst to tears Let them know she see us

Now he's fighting in class Got a note last week that say he might not pass

Ask me if his daddy was sick of us Cause you ain't never pick him up

You see what his problem is?He don't know where his poppa is

No positive male role model To play football and build railroad models

It's making a hole you've been digging it

Cause you ain't been kicking it

Since he was old enough to hold bottles

Wasn't supposed to get introduced to that He don't deserve to get used to that

Now I ain't asking you for money or to come back to me

Some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard

Just breaks my heart When I try to provide and he say 'Mommy that ain't your job'

To be a man,

I try to make him understand That I'm his number one fan

But its like you booin' from the stands

You know the world is out to get him, so why don't you give him a chance?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

This is what Thursdays bring?!


Okay so I was sick yesterday, I'm sorry for that. But hey, at least I had a chance to get some much needed maintenance done on the ol' Corolla. I was so proud I had a bit of a shopping spree afterward. And, I must say(it's gonna sound a little conceded) I look good. Mmmm... that was for Mike Way, I'm working on my Mmmm's that way when he casts for a commercial one day I'll have them down pat. I'm ready for my close-up man.

I wish I knew what was happening in the news, but I haven't watched it lately. I watch the Real World for the first time since 2002 yesterday, and it's true what they say, sometimes you can't go back. I'm not 10 anymore and that type of thing really doesn't appeal to me, but I will say that they seem to be making a real attempt at stacking the house with hot women... not a black person in the house this season. Yep, that's racist. Have we reached a point where people are so over the stereotypical 1-black guy, 1-gay guy, 1- angry black woman that we don't need to include any of them? I guess that shouldn't surprise me but it hit me mid-episode that it was lacking something. You can't just have a show full of angry white folk... what would Archie Bunker say?!(Edith! probably)

The Vous' was fun and the quick 3 mins set and pass off is like a game, I was telling Aparna that it made me pay attention a little more cause you only got three minutes. Like listening to a dying person. By the way, the look on her face when someone told a Sean Taylor joke was priceless... ah, to be young. I wish I could transfer this picture from work, but I ate a Jumbo slice of pizza last night and it took Eli and I by surprise. Most of you are probably had them on a drunken night in Adams Morgan we had not. that thing was the size of an ATM machine and we hated to do it, but we had to throw it away. Hopefully a bum will find the remains and eat hardy for a week.

There is nothing funny about paying $200 for a mic and mic stand... ask Eli, I wouldn't know.

Well, that's all and don't forget on Monday our new open mic at The Spy Lounge starts at 8 and runs til' 10, try to get there by 7:30 if you can or shoot me an e-mail at devohaven@gmail.com. Laters everyone.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tuesdays smell like....


Sh.........t. What else would a Tuesday smell like? Cinnamon twists. I've come to the realization that females are a total waste of time in your 20's. GET MONEY!


Ahem, excuse me for that tidbit of social commentary, now allow me to speak on something that is gonna be plaguing our news for the next (God) couple days, maybe even weeks. Sean Taylor died today. Excuse me, but who cares. The first time I heard it on the radio, I thought "Who cares that a Miami Dolphin died?" then I realized he was a Redskin.... who cares? Everyone that I have come in contact with has used his death as a way to start morning conversation, and at one point the first words out of my mouth were as follows:

Charlie: Morning.

TRich: Morning, God I am so sick of people talking to me about-

C: Man, can you believe-

T: Sean Taylor, you're not gonna talk to me about some dead football player, are you?

C: I'm just saying it's crazy man-

T: I really don't care, let's go get some breakfast.

C: I'm just saying it's crazy man cause he's-

T: Charlie did you just hear me say I'm tired of people bringing that up already? When he was alive the Redskins still had a $h!tty record this season.

C: You're cold man.

T: C'mon it's breakfast time man.


And that was pretty much verbatim. I don't want to leave you all in the dark so know that I had 2 scrambled eggs, 2 strips of bacon and, you guessed it..... Hot Cocoa! Ah Tuesdays.


Here are some things that have happened on November 27th that are special:

2001 - A hydrogen atmosphere is discovered on the extrasolar planet Osiris by the Hubble Space Telescope, the first atmosphere detected on an extrasolar planet.


2005 - The first partial human face transplant is completed in Amiens, France




1895 - At the Swedish-Norwegian Club in Paris, Alfred Nobel signs his last will and testament, setting aside his estate to establish the Nobel Prize after he dies.


and just cause bank robbery is cool....

1934 - Bank robber Baby Face Nelson dies in a shoot-out with the FBI


There are some things to throw around the water cooler when some one brings up Sean Taylor.


Well, I think that's my little thing for the day, I'm gonna get some work done. Laters.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Ain't that a kick in the head


I hope that we all had a great weekend, I know I did. It was a nice little mix of a lot of my favorite things. Games, beer, (insert bad habit), comedy, dancing, ladies and a Sunday or lounging on my butt. Who could ask for more? Satan, that's really the only one that comes to mind.... pure evil. But let's move on to better things.


I just found out today that Michael Vick has been in jail for about a week. I guess it's just the hater in me that finds it so funny. All the groupies and all the jewels still can't help him keep another man out of him forever. Get some Vick!


A man called into Elliott in the morning on my way to work and was PROUD of the fact that he committed incest! I have no WV jokes, but really?! Your aunt knows what age you stopped peeing the bed, has more than likely bought you a CD from Wal-Mart, and most importantly has the same DNA as you. He said she was hot, I guess that helps, but snap that's nasty. A man who would do that is a man with no limits. Oh yeah, he had his brother(yep, he already told someone) next to him to verify if Elliott did not believe him.... oh he was white alright.


On Saturday, Rob and I attempted to figure out what the rings on these Spanish women's fingers meant( would they still "get low"?). Oh, and Adam "the man" Dodd was there performing. Broke a string, kept going, and sliced his finger up nasty like... but who said rocking your f@cking socks off would be easy. The best part of the night came when Crank Dat by Soulja Boy Tellem came on. Mostly cause there were several LARGE black guys on the dance floor, like a prison yard, and every time the DJ hit the song they were ready to shoot a music video. I was probably the only who didn't know the dance but had fun learning, and one guy in particular stands out in my mind. He had to have been 6'8 and 320 lbs., but he was jumping and sliding around, all I could do was smile. Laughter might have gotten me snapped in twain. Supaman that _!


Anyone in Richmond, Dec. 11th is gonna be a fun show with Odyssey Michaels, Nick Cantone, another comic to be named, and myself. Gonna be a ball I'm sure. Oh, and I'll be in Richmond on the 4th of Dec for Clash of the Comics. Richmond in full effect mode...


Next Monday should be the start of the Spy Lounge open mic.... Laters.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm sorry, I just don't have any...



Must all titles jump out at us, or can they slow creep up and then entice us. Well that's just what this one attempted to do. No Homo...

While someone pointed out how great they thought I now pronounce you Chuck & Larry, the couldn't help herself but to give away the ending to anyone who she'd trapped into hearing about the movie. It wasn't as though she had no idea we hadn't seen the movie, she was just too excited about telling people how funny it was. I guess it's not like she ruined the end of a thriller or anything, but it still hurt.
Contrary to popular belief, I was not drunk onstage at Ned's Saturday night. I was drunk enough to drive straight home and go to sleep though.

Last night's episode of HEROES was... OutF@#$ingstanding! It was so good I dare not ruin any of it for you. Just go folks and watch for yourself(and for free) http://www.nbc.com/

I went to get a haircut recently and the barber was Korean, I don't normally go to different barber shops but I needed to do this on my lunch break and this was convenient. When I get there, thought I was in a suit and tie, it was a little awkward. There was a retired man with strands on his head that made him resemble a 90-year-old Homer Simpson. What ticked me off though was that the barber took like 30 minutes on this guy's strands. HUH?! And then they looked me up and down and the barber turned on some old classical piano. It wasn't the greatest, but I do enjoy all different kinds of music. So, finally the old man leaves and it's me and the Korean. As soon as I sit down he turns off the classical music. What bothered me was not that he turned it off(cause who told him I don't like that) but that he turned on a Korean version of American Idol but with Choreography. Was it that I didn't deserve classical, or that he puts on a front for older people and goes right back to watchin' 10 year old girls in skirts prance about when no one can see. It was a short haircut, and he spent the majority of the time trying to sell me on going to his church to meet "Good" women. We all know church folk ain't the type that's gonna fall in love with me.

I used the word willickers earlier today, nothing has felt right since that time. Oh bother...

A long time ago I wrote about my friend Nelson and his deadly(career wise) blog. He wrote a blog, threatened, cursed, blog got read, he got fired. Well, yesterday was just same story different chapter for young master Sayson. Without names or details, he wrote a blog about how he never comes home due to Kevin(my other roomy) constantly banging his on-off ex. Well, Kevin's ex fiance'(who is basically part of the family) is Nelson's MySpace friend. She reads, she don't like much, talks with Mom, Mom talks to Kevin's Mom, Kevin is now a man whore that isn't in his parents graces. Well, that's just a little proof of what blogging can get you. Trouble.

I'm gonna work now, but for those that are leaving town "Be Safe", for those that aren't get wasted. Laters...

Monday, November 19, 2007

Blink and you missed it


To start this week off on a bit more of a weird side, I actually spoke with a man named Jefferson Davis not more than 3 minutes ago. I'm not sure if he was a racist or not, but without any effort I almost felt offended. Not through his actions but that his parents picked the head of the confederacy to name their child after. Virginia is funny that way, not only do we have people running around named Jefferson Davis, but in certain parts of the state we call Route 1 "Jefferson Davis Highway". Wuh?! I truly doubt that there is a section of Ghetto in Germany called the Hitler Projects. You get the point right, the President of the Confederacy gets something named after him, but Malcolm X can't even get a city. He wasn't the public face of a war, he just hated pork and wanted basic freedom.


Someone told me over breakfast that Thanksgiving was actually their favorite holiday.... tell me that ain't a biggun. Gluttony...


That's all for today but big blog coming tomorrow, so yay. Laters...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I did it again... damnit!


Well, today I woke up at the early hour of 8:11 am. The problem is that I'm supposed to already be at work at that time. So, for the second day in a row I was forced to come in about 2+ hours late after having sat through traffic(yesterday I just slept through it but today I was a good little worker bee). Fortunately, there was a potluck lunch today in my section. So, I call a friend and tell her to turn on my computer, then tell her if anyone asks about me to tell them "Oh, Deaven's here, but he forgot his weenies so he ran out to the store" I figured it would buy me a little time. If worse came to worse, I can always say I caught the S#its and was on the toilette.


Today an old co-worker called me and told me that my EVIL ex general manager had been fired yesterday. I know that I left that crap job and all the stress it brings behind me, but some part of me still did a RIGHTEOUS jig when I heard that news. May he burn forever, and ever, and ever.... amen.


So, the guys who run DC Comedy 4 Now(I hope that's it) are running an open mic on Mondays too. Theirs starts a week or two before mine, but here is the best part. Now, I won't lie and say at first I wasn't a little bummed but then it hit me. Once I start one, that means two open mics only a half an hour apart that will both be in Adams Morgan. I imagine this will be one of the instances where people can get on either stage and then walk to the other and perform again. It will be down right awesome to get to perform twice without a good amount of driving so.... CHEERS.


For those of you that haven't heard, Dragonball Z will be a live action movie next August. I won't turn into a complete dork, but Goku is... well... the skinny white guy up top. Come on.


Why do married women smile at single young men like there is a chance? Everyday I see the same lady and she waves and smiles like we know each other intimately. I realize people cheat on their spouses, but this not fair. Cause I'm not the kind of scum that knows how to start that freight train a rollin', and she should know that. Damn she's hot though... No, that's not the right thinking. She's a man, she's a man, she's a man... moving on folks.


I'm gonna go leave work again to buy some food and a video game, and you know what the best part is. I've been here for all of 40 minutes and I'm leaving again. I love this job. Laters...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'm somebody's somebody




One of the thoughts that cracks me up, is that there is some woman out there wondering "Where is my perfect somebody?" And, unless I spend the rest of my life alone, I'm that guy. I don't know who she is but I pray she's something like me. I think everyone that is grown comes to find out that the whole "opposites attract" thing never actually goes somewhere. It always seems to end up with you walking on them in your room, laughing at your picture, while he's wearing your socks. Somebody out there knows what I'm talking about.... testify.


Today I employed the OfficeSpace mentality, which is just don't care and things will go your way. Damned if it ain't proved itself so far. I got up and hit my sleep button about 13(not an exaggeration) times. It felt heavenly, and then I got up when I was officially 15 minutes late and called with the truth "I just couldn't get up when I heard my alarm go off" and my supervisor completely understood. Now, this isn't an everyday or even every month type thing so maybe that's why she was so understanding, but I'll go ahead and count that as a win or my research. But, it did occur to me that I should sleep longer and just come to work with no traffic instead of leaving as soon as the phone call ended. One funny thing about ever having come home and had to tell your roommate that "I just got F@cking fired!" is that anytime you're home without explanation on a day when you should clearly be at work, you're assumed to be jobless. Kinda sucks, but still a little funny.


Ladies and gentlemen, I will leave you now and either see you in Adams Morgan tonight, or we'll do this tomorrow. By the way, the Spy Lounge open mic will begin right after the holidays when I get my grubby hands on a microphone.... Laters.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Who died?


Well everyone, it appears as though Tuesday has found us again. It makes me soft too, I feel ya. I guess I should start by thanking all that came out for Tyler vs. Tyler. The crowd was very cool, a lot bigger than I expected, and thanks to the comics that came to show love. Might I also note that Will Hessler has shared a sad story of preparing to move to the ATL.... let him know that we love him before he loves us. "Why do the good people always leave the jerks behind?" Think about that question, I'll stop there before I throw out names.


Camcorder shopping is a B!tch, so many types and formats... and prices. Just thought I'd share that thought since i've been looking through them all morning. One name stands out among the rest though, say it with me now "Samsung". Yes.


Hostel Part 2 Review:

Not that great.

Spider-Man 3 Review:

Awes-Tacular, if only Venom killed Spidey.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (10th anniversary edition) Review:

Same as 10 years ago, I sing along with the entire movie. Who didn't cry when Jack got shot down.


I wish I had some long blog for you today, but I don't folks. But I will bring something to your eyes that should get you thinking. I find that in times of "blank-ness" a little Dr. Seuss can always turn the day around. If you will, I'd like to present to you....


I am Sam

I am Sam

Sam I am

That Sam-I-am!Than Sam-I-am!

I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

Would you like them in a house?

Would you like them with a mouse?

I do not like them in a house.

I do not like them with a mouse.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you eat them in a box?

Would you eat them with a fox?

Not in a box.Not with a fox.

Not in a house.

Not with a mouse.

I would not eat them here or there.

I would not eat them anywhere.

I would not eat green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.


Would you? Could you?In a car? Eat them! Eat them!Here they are.

I would not,could not,in a car.

You may like them.You will see.You may like them in a tree!I would not, could not in a tree.

Not in a car! You let me be.I do not like them in a box.I do not like them with a fox.I do not like them in a house.I do not like them with a mouse.I do not like them here or there.I do not like them anywhere.I do not like green eggs and ham.I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

A train! A train!A train! A train!Could you, would you,on a train?

Not on a train! Not in a tree!Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!I would not, could not, in a box.I could not, would not, with a fox.I will not eat them with a mouse.I will not eat them in a house.I will not eat them here or there.I will not eat them anywhere.I do not eat green eggs and ham.I do not like them, Sam-I-am.


Say!In the dark?Here in the dark!Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,in the dark.Would you, could you, in the rain?
I would not, could not,in the rain.Not in the dark. Not on a train.Not in a car. Not in a tree.I do not like them, Sam, you see.Not in a house. Not in a box.Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.I will not eat them here or there.I do not like them anywhere!You do not like green eggs and ham?I do not like them,Sam-I-am.


Could you, would you,with a goat?I would not,could not,with a goat!Would you, could you,on a boat?


I could not, would not, on a boat.I will not, will not, with a goat.I will not eat them in the rain.I will not eat them on a train.Not in the dark! Not in a tree!Not in a car! You let me be!I do not like them in a box.I do not like them with a fox.I will not eat them in a house.I do not like them with a mouse.I do not like them here or there.I do not like them ANYWHERE!
I do not like green eggs and ham!
I do not like them,Sam-I-am.

You do not like them.So you say.Try them! Try them!And you may.Try them and you may, I say.Sam!If you will let me be,I will try them.You will see.


Say!I like green eggs and ham!I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!And I would eat them in a boat.And I would eat them with a goat...And I will eat them in the rain.And in the dark. And on a train.And in a car. And in a tree.They are so good, so good, you see!So I will eat them in a box.And I will eat them with a fox.And I will eat them in a house.And I will eat them with a mouse.And I will eat them here and there.Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!I do so like green eggs and ham!Thank you!
Thank you,Sam-I-am!


By Dr. Seuss

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Jerk, the Comic, and the Bitter

So, it's been a whole two days huh?, well let's get straight to the nitty grit...

I left work on Wednesday to head out for New York. The Fowlest, Keith the Comedian, and I(notice the order from the title) were going to Stand Up for Diversity. I had tried once years ago, before I was even considering comedy, and had to turn around without performing since I wasn't one of the first 100. I was determined not to have the same thing happen again. This is more a story of our journey and not really about how we performed although you will know.


I got to the metro station and parked my car, but noticed that a sign told me I could not park there for more than 24 hours. Violators were to be prosecuted, and though all signs end with that, my luck STINKS and that would ring through my head for the next 31 hours. You heard me right too. So, I go to the "store" where I turn in my ticket and there is this fine French girl giving me the eye. What is a TRich to do? Oh yea... Mack. So, we talk for a while until J Jerkin' and Keith finally(and in Keith's case, I mean right before we pull off) get there. The bus was very clean and that surprised me a lot. I expected to have a bum next to me( though Jermaine threw up accosted me, does that count?) or some man kick off his shoes and put them right next to my face or something.


Not the case, but the driver did pull over, after we already sat in traffic. We all wondered what was going on, and then we we noticed there was a bus down on the shoulder. Guess what... this just so happened to be a "sister" bus of the driver and so "Come on in everbody!" Normally, I wouldn't care, but the woman with BooBs like Jesus had magic, got up and sprinted to the front of the bus once it filled up. Keith and I had a birds eye view of those and they took that from us. Damn, Damn... S#it. Anyway, it did lead to a new bit and so everything happens for a reason I guess. We arrive...


Jermaine takes several stabs at guessing where the subway was in relation to Chinatown. And, oh yeah, went to the bathroom more times this weekend than Keith and I combined. Mostly to drop deuce, but I mention that because the first thing we did after he got off the bus was go in this Chinese restaurant where every looked at us like we were going to rob them. But, since they were in NYC, I was actually more scared of them cause they were probably very prepared for S#it to jump off and shot Keith and I first. Keith did notice that the Chinese Soap Opera they were watching was running Chinese subtitles. Way to leave all the tourists in the dark. Also, 75 % of the fish they were serving were dead and being eaten by the remaining ones. I can only hope that they only sell the cannibal fish.... but I doubt it.


We find the subway after many guesses by the Fowlest. Shiesty characters are in the subway @ those hours(1:00ish am), but you could watch the movies and know that. Keith says that I stare women I find attractive down like a killer, I hope that's not true. When we get to the line there are only 10 or so people in front of us and everything is gravy. I immediately go to the bar and get a drink. I should note, I don't know what Jermaine was doing in Duane Reede's for 30 minutes before I went to the bar, but I do fear that NYPD may be looking for him. He's a strange young man he is. I drank what was to be the STRONGEST long island iced tea I have ever had in my life. There may have been a dash, and I mean dash of coke in that thing cause I was lit. Jermaine then proceeded to S#it for about 45 mins. while I waited upstairs and got to know random girl at the bar, a guy in band selling shirts, and of course Irish bartender trying to bang random girl @ bar. He finally emerges upstairs...


Back in line Michael Blackson is talking to the group of comedians from Philly(who turned out to be some cool ass cats) and Keith has managed to ease his way into the cypher. For those that don't know Michael Blackson, he is the African guy from Comicview(when it was funny) that used to, excuse me, says "Mudasucka" instead of the other word all the time. I enjoyed him when I was a kid. Nuff said, then a random white guy showed up and decided to kick it with some black folks. Cause after all it was named Stand up for Diversity, but naturally that didn't stop some WHITE folks from showing up and even making the cut. WHAT?! anyway, he was actually really cool and went and bought two pizzas for all the comics just cause he liked us and it was cold as S#IT outside. Right on random white guy... right on. I didn't sleep til' about 5 or 6 cause it was so cold but I did try several sidewalk positions to get warmer. Let's get to the meat and potatoes...


Right before they let everyone in, an old man emerges at the front door. I'm talkin' at least 78 and half-ish. They give out numbers, and yeah, Michael Blackson cut to the front of the line. We get in and take some pictures and the old man murmured something like "I bet you'd be some real fun outside of here" to one of the producers. She took it pretty well and simply told him to go have a seat somewhere please. Right on, well the first screw job took place involving HEROES: Season one. When asked who came the furthest, I throw out VA. Another girl, who is not attractive, throws out Columbus(OH). Are you kidding me?! Guess who got the DVD set. So, then the performances take place and I gotta say that out of the 60 people in our group that went, we were definitely in the top 10. But, I guess not one of us were what they were looking for. But, interestingly enough there was a guy was doing crowd work with the last 30 seconds of his 1 minute chance. That was one of the funnier things to me throughout. That, and the old man that began to wander right after I said my goodbye to the stage. The producer stood up "Sir, please sit back down" he continues on his quest, "Sir, I'm talkin to you" the whole room was waiting for random security guard to leap and taze that old man to the grave. Instead, she walked down to where all the comics were seated and took that geyser by the arm and placed him in a seat. Very nice of her, considering her title.


We leave after J Jerkin' does his interview with Fox 5 news(the Asian, HOT, fine ass reporter was the person to interview him) and make our way to Hawaiian Tropic in Times Square. That place puts Hooters to shame. Damn, they were fine... and shouldn't they be if the have to wear a bikini everyday... Ahhh. We then got on the subway and searched for Chinatown. That place is a lot bigger than I thought and we looked for the bus "store" for a good 1, maybe 1 1/2. The only part of that journey worth mentioning was seeing a man crossing an intersection and shoulder check the S#IT out of this woman who was crossing. She was pouting and turned around from it... he didn't even blink. I love NY! Also, there was an employment office next to where to bus picked us up. Did anyone else know that not every Asian is born with a job and knowledge of quantum physics? I was blown away.


I was panicked for the entire 6 hour drive back and didn't sleep cause J Jerkin' was in the mood for conversatin'. Keith on the other hand was passed out, should have peed on him but the bus was too packed. I got back to my car and breathed a sigh of relief cause I really didn't think that there would be a car in that spot when I got back. After a good night's sleep and a good drive through almost no traffic today, I feel very ready to go home tonight and pass out til' Saturday... Come to Tyler vs. Tyler. Please. Oh, and my new open mic will be at the Spy Lounge in Adams Morgan on Mondays from 8-10. I'll try not to be a dick about getting people on cause, no names, I think we've all had enough of those. Hopefully, I'll get it started Monday after next or right after Thanksgiving, but I have a few things to get straight first. Enjoy the weekend all, and I'll get back at you LATERS....


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Road Rage

I'll give my new open mic stuff when I return on Friday, Monday at the latest. But, Mondays have been damn borig lately, haven't they?

Don't be fooled by the title, I'm anything but full of rage. Be it on the road, or anywhere else. But, this morning a woman had such "Dicktensity" while driving I was tempted to chase her down. She wouldn't let me merge, she tailgated and then she got upset that I changed lanes. I blow people kisses normally in these situations, but not today. When I thought of what I could do to get even, I began to reach for a pad to write down her license plate. I stopped myself in the heat of my anger and remembered those two little words..."Stop Snitchin'!"



In case your wondering, the little girl in the picture above just had 4 EXTRA limbs removed. But, let me ask you; could you have a smile on your face in this situation. Maybe I'm a bad guy but I would squash her like the biggest spider I've ever seen. Seems a little inhumane to keep her alive. The second she was born I'd just dig a small hole, and don't judge me, that's a little thing called compassion. But, congrat-ys to her and not being a freakazoid anymore, good luck explaining that story to they guy who's been screwing you for 4 months.

Here is a tasty sample of what it's like to dance with a Richardson:





Now you know, and "knowing it half the battle". But seriously, go on Saturday. It's UBER cheap, and there will be nachos... next door... at the movie theater.... afterwards..... on Tyler S. There I think I tripped through that last sentence rather well. Moving on then.

Pass in your homework students... "How many sex offenders live in your area?" Why is every looking around like you did not do your homework. Just find out how many are surrounding you. It's fun and educational. I'll even give the link one more time(see how nice I am, it's all for the kids): http://www.nsopr.gov/
HAVE AT IT!

Well, I'm outta here til' Friday I guess. I'll let you know how it went in NY and I'm sure something weird will happen when The Fowlest, Keith the comedian, and some Ni@@a named TRich show up. Laters...

Monday, November 05, 2007

It was so bright this morning.... AH!!!

I loved that show as a kid, didn't you. One might say it was the beginning of the end of GOOD television for children. I miss you ol' friend.

Let me start by saying that just sat through "gimme more" by Britney Spears and... oh, God. I still love her, but damn that's an awful song. I know I'm late, but I don't listen to the radio or watch music videos anymore. I caught that VMA performance, but who could pay attention to words with all that sexy dancing(standin') there?


I had a great time at Ned Divine's last week even though I only got to stay for a little before I was drunkenly dashing back to my car. Then it was off to the Lizard where fun always hides. I think I did cool at Ned's and ate a $#it sandwich when I got to the lizard. Ignorance is bliss but sometimes we must be honest with ourselves.


I broke down yesterday and got Guitar Hero 3. One of the biggest tests of love is to not mind others seeing you out with your sweetheart. What if your perfect girl all the sudden gained 400 pounds? I wouldn't lie to myself, I'd leave. But, some would try to make it work. That's what yesterday felt like. the girl behind the counter(who hit on me with a wedding ring, as J Jerkin' is my witness) informed me that there were no bags big enough and I would need carry this giant box with me and have a "badge of bride".... WTF. So, everyone in the mall now knows what a huge dork I am. It might not have been so embarrassing if the box were more ordinary, but it's all kinds of orange and red with light that come out of the top and shout favorite catch phrases like, "All hail Tyler, king of the Nordic ROCK GODS!"... I embellished a shmig on the box but you get what I'm saying. But, I am happy to report that my skill carries over the next chapter, so don't fret. And, if it helps my rep, I did spend a little time with a female before I played... I wasn't a complete geek yesterday. Moving on...


The girl in the cubicle next to me told my team this morning that she was gonna have crazy gas today. She specifically named the reasons:

A) She didn't get the chance to drop deuce this morning and was still holding that kid in her. Her words not mine. And, she's actually attractive but married women can say what they want I guess.

B) She just(at the time) had an egg&cheese omelet, oh god. The thought of that smell makes my lip quiver.

As much as I don't like the thought of smelling her stomach softener, I'm glad she opened up. Cause if I catch one whiff and it's ON. I will fart til' I got nothing left. I have no problem dropping a deuce in my cuby and letting it stink throughout the entire floor, and maybe it's those type of games that will make this dull Monday fly right by. Plus, when I crap myself I'm sure they will ask me to take my leave. YEAH!


This Saturday...comedy... Comedy Spot.... Ballston Commons Mall.... Tyler v. Tyler... Death. I mean it


Let me get to work, but tomorrow I have a big Christmas poem that I want to share. Laters...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

"The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules."

What's not to love about that? THE JOKER everybody, can you wait til' December when they roll out the trailer that will showcase exactly what Heath Ledger's Joker will be like? It's almost as good as a Snicker's Bar... no, bettah! For all the sociopaths like myself, our hero is looking better than ever. How deliciously evil....



So, I had a blast at the Richmond FunnyBone. I did a little time and then watched and enjoyed some delicious shrimp. Ahhh. Everyone was really cool there and unbelievably friendly, and Maggie is by far the nicest person to ever answer a phone that has spoken to me from a club. I can't wait to go back in December and hopefully there won't be a front row full of nurses and people dressed up like nurses. For a light crowd they were still human beings, thus laughed, and what more could you ask for. Nick, Brian, and Josh were as cool on stage as they were on, and that's always appreciated. Everyone there just made me feel real welcome, so KUDOS.



I have enjoyed myself thoroughly all day yesterday. Doing what you ask? Well, I was going through the Virginia Sex offender Registry and looking up anyone that is near me. Then I asked all my co-workers what city they lived in, and that's when it happened. I found a sexual predator who lived on the same street as a co-worker and less than a few minutes down the street. Tyler "the motherf@#$in super sleuth" Richardson attractively saves a "possible" rape victim with greatest weapon known to mankind. Information, and what a weapon it is. What is the site you ask?

http://sex-offender.vsp.virginia.gov/sor/index.htm Don't say I never gave you nothin'... cause I just gave you the world. Someone see if you could trump my # by having more sex offenders in you local area. I'm tired so I'll see you, Laters...

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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