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Just as good as a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

And with that.... cue that music!

Yesterday I ate lunch with a friend and a friend of a friend. It was Chipotle and delicious as always. I got a warning when we were on our way to eat, “She has scoriosis and it’s bad”. For some reason, even though it was broken down pretty straight, I was not expecting what we got. It was everywhere, and this girl was wearing a dress… it was everywhere.

I had the opportunity to see a small child going down some steps ahead of their parents. Watching this stopped boring the $#!T out of me when the toddler fell down about three concrete steps and paused at the bottom. They scraped practically every part of their leg and to make matters worse there was a black guy laughing loudly. It hits me like a wave, laughter, I wish I could share it with the world. If only we laughed at other people’s pain more… the world might be a better place.

The video of “ignorant $#!T…” from Jermaine on Ryan Conner’s Blog is too hilarious for words. Go watch and have much fun.

Bohemian Rhapsody is still something beautiful after all the time that’s passed since it was written. Whoever Freddie Mercury had on his breath when singing this was a genius…. Get it, its cause he was gay. I know I’m better than that joke but I’m going through an ugly divorce and custody battle. That B*tch took everything, even my damn socks. I capitalize the B in B*tch because that’s her name now. I bought a prostit…. I’ve said too much, I’m stressed.

I wanted a bowl of pineapple but instead found myself buying some cup that has something green, something orange and pineapple. Which just goes to show, if you want something wait for it. Don’t just take the first fruit cup that comes along.

I’m thoroughly convinced that John Legend has never been in real love. Listen to hear lyrics people, Jerry Springer $#!T. Dat n*gga can sing tho…

Yesterday I had the craziest shuffle to my door when I got home because of Chipotle. Why is it so good? And why can’t my body tolerate it for more than 2.7 hours?

For the first time in a long time my thoughts are on someone. It’s been a long time but then again most people that we meet are “black and white” until someone full of color stands out. My guess is that nothing will come of it, but since we’ve taken this whole thing really slow it’s been simmering for a while. I once told a woman friend that the only women I meet are whores. Within the same conversation she asked me how many dates until I felt I deserved some nookie. I said two or three, she told me something that stuck with me. “Maybe you only meet whores because honestly it sounds like that’s what you’re looking for”, it hit me that it might be true. Cause if someone slept with me that quick do I really want them for more than a night? Good people do still exist in this $#!THEAP of a planet we have left. Babygirl is a prime example (she doesn’t read my blog) of a damn near perfect young black woman, and I honestly have no idea why she’s attracted to me. I know that I’ve never been this excited to come to work before though. To finish up this paragraph of mush, all I’m really saying is that there is hope. “Expect nothing and you’ll always be surprised with what you get” – TRich

The news story about the 16 year old kid who killed his family is almost disturbing. I try to put myself in the shoes of one of the brothers. Your brother just killed both of your parents and took mom’s dead body up and tucked her to bed. Now he’s chasing you and your brother around with a gun and you know he’s not f*ckin around. That’s some scary $#!T! And sadly, he killed both the brothers too. Damn.

My friend Charlie said some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard in my life. I took most of them in stride until one day he said “Oh, I don’t know man I’m not good with Roman numerals”. I believe the number in question was like twenty-something, that’s when “Charlie I have to ask, no offense but are you mentally handicapped?” He told me no, but wasn’t even offended because I was 100% curious. It’s funny how many different types of people you run into and befriend in life. I always wondered if I would know any “Kramer” types, and I would say that my friend Bernie is exactly that. Didn’t meet him until is was 17 though. Didn’t meet Kevin until I was 17 either. I didn’t know any of you fine folks until I was at least 22… wonder who else I’ll bump into to.

I found out someone in my old section is now pregnant. I hate this woman because if I say that the sky is gray, would say its greenish blue. We were just complete opposites what’s really blowing my mind is that any one could want to blow the load in this woman. Charlie described her best with this quote: “You know how you could look at certain people and just tell they got a pu**y that probably smells like oranges and tastes like apples? Well, something about her face just makes me think it’s horrible. Like it would smell like a wet wolf or something” he knows.

Yesterday I used the phrase “semen soaked nightmare..” at some extremely inappropriate time. When was that? Hmm

So tired, need potassium. Note to self: Fruit and lemonade make for $#!TY breath. I look pretty damn good today. No homo, my facial hair is starting to come around nicely. Christmas Beast, all I want under the tree is a mustache & chin combination. Dear God, please make the Christmas Beast swift and merciful, that he may deliver what is most precious to me. Dear Wolf, if God is incapable of reasoning with the Beast, please give Kevin hemorrhoids.

Praise be to the wolf.

NEW PREMISE(need your opinions):
Nelson had this idea while we were baked yesterday. Kevin was in an exam and Nelson really wanted some more Skittles, next is slight truth mixed with premise.
Nelson: Oh, I want some Skittles. (presses his fingers to his temple and thinks) Kevin!
Kevin: Nelson?! Oh my God this is awesome! We can communicate through our thoughts!
Nelson: Yes, that’s very nice but listen. I need you to bring home a bag of Skittles. A big bag of Skittles.
Kevin: Fine, this is incredible! Do you know what we can do with this power?!
Nelson: Yeah, hey… Deaven wants some Popeye’s too.
Deaven: Yeah I do.
Kevin: Oh $#!T, all three of us can do this. How long have you guys known about this?!
Deaven: I don’t know man… you’re gonna get that Popeye’s though right?
Kevin: No problem man, hey look up this exam answer real quick…
Deaven: No can do Kevin, that’s abusing the power. The wolf wouldn’t like that.
Nelson: Nah, that would probably piss the wolf off. Skittles though.
Deaven: Yeah, don’t forget that Popeye’s. And make it spicy, out.
Nelson: Out.

In the end I was just winging it, praise be to the wolf. But you get the point of that whole little paragraph. Feel free to e-mail or comment or text me or call me…. People have way too many ways to get in contact with other people these days.
Laters

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Get you hand outta my POCKET!!

I read something, for once, that grabbed attention cause it was a topic of discussion. Almost like back when the anonys had their say on things and (perhaps) it got a little out of control. I will say that sometimes they had some very valid points. If you read DCCOMeDY4Now’s post yesterday about the DCComedyFest how could you not make it the bottom without nodding your head like “Yeah? Yeah Darn it. Shenanigans…” Lord knows I couldn’t, I only hope that most of the profit and money to keep it running is from packed shows and what not. Because it there was a moderate amount of money to be made from all the submissions from within the heart of the city where you chose to put “your” comedy fest, that is SO wrong. For a second I got to thinking, maybe we could put on our own festival with nothing but acts from within the area to finally shine some light on what other scenes should be jealous of. But no, there are way too many other factors: Media, money to reserve venues, headliner and feature acts that will draw a crowd, publicity, elephants… long story short, it is a little too much for someone like me to even begin to piece together. I guess we have to make due with what we have. I’d love it if whoever runs that blog would put up this note though. I’d like to think I can be fairly easy to get along with (unless you’re ____ T) but when I called to ask a question, respectfully, Ms. P was about as rude as they come. I can only imagine what the e-mail looked like when she wasn’t holding back. C’mon put up that letter, it’s f*ckin’ Wednesday man…

I can’t really move my arms right now, it hurts to type. Allow me to explain how I started my work day with a grunt. As soon as I got to my desk at 8:03, yeah I was late but it doesn’t count until 8:15, Babygirl showed up and wanted to go downstairs. I’m thinking we’re going to grab some breakfast or coffee like normal, but instead she needed to get some printer paper from the supply room. Of course, it wasn’t in the closest supply room so we walk down to the other supply room on the 1st floor. Not there either, which takes us to “Ground Zero” cause everything can be found on 0 floor. I asked a man if he could point us in the right direction and couldn’t understand one word out of his mouth while he told us which way… but he pointed so there you go. We laughed at the fact that neither of us understood him and then pressed on. When we reached the area that it looked like he was talking about, there is a little room off to the side. People I had seen before (a Filipino woman who went off on her “then” boyfriend after he did something. The argument ended with these words “Where are the KIDS?! You just left them?! You’re a monster, what kind of person are you” those were his words to her in the cafeteria at breakfast time. We forget many things but never the truly great awkward moments…. Back to my story) but never knew where they worked. I tell a chubby white guy that I’m looking for printer paper and he tells me to fill out a slip and he’ll grab the crate. CRATE, when I said I was looking for paper I meant about 200 sheets. If I had to guess, I’d say I walked about with thousands. Babygirl and I were a good five minute walk away from my desk. When he put the crate in my arms I immediately knew this was going to be one hell of a walk. Try not shake, don’t sweat, don’t sway, keep conversation, smile, don’t breathe too hard, check out that @ss, look her in the eyes…. It was a long walk. The box wasn’t so heavy as it was awkwardly shaped there was no good way to hold it. When we got back I put it down gently and walked away. When I got back to my desk my shoulders just died and I realized I was spent. Oh the things we do for…. Babygirls.

More than just getting a lot of hits, I get misty eyed seeing that most of the people reading this dribble are in our community. Not for a picture, not for song lyrics, I dig that because, you see…. I’m an ego-maniac. I fear that one day it will develop legs and arms and leave me meek and timid. Let us pray that does not come, because I am the only thing controlling my ego’s cannibalistic urges, with my rhythm. Should we separate it will surely go on a killing spree and the children…. Who will save the children? Psst…. My ego is racist too, I don’t know where it gets it from.

Sarah D. is at the bottom of Damone Miller’s top friends. I just find that hilarious. Maybe I’m just ol’ fashioned…

Orange Tic Tacs taste like $#!T. White Tic Tacs taste like d*ck. But a Black Tic Tac tastes like rhythm… stereotyping.

My friend Jessie Thomas from Richmond and I were talking yesterday. He gave me more information than I ever thought I would need, but just enough for me to hope he never has children. In one phone call this is what I found out about him: Steve Byrne is a beast and cupid rolled all together, he loves the Dark Knight because he is a living human with skin and bones, He hated the Lord of the Rings Trilogy because he is evil and made up of not-so-niceties, He is one with the Devil (yeah, I stuck that in there because the Lord of the Rings was the greatest Trilogy ever), He touched a kid…. You heard me (yes, that’s a lie too), high fives Adolf Hitler’s picture every time he comes across it, doesn’t include Die Hard 2:Die Harder in the Die Hard Foursome but really… who does?

Jessie is also the man who at a party last December, walked right up to a kinda hot-ish slutty looking woman and said “We should f*ck..” even though she was an ex-stripper she told him she was celebit. Moments like that echo through time, when Bold met Pathological Nancy, hey that’s a love story!

I will probably never feel comfortable with the woman who is behind me sitting where she is. Maybe it’s because she’s from Iraq, maybe it’s because she looks white. No, I think it’s because when people say “shifty eyed” they are speaking her of exact facial expression. Plus she has a limp with no explanation for it… hmmm.

I had another dream of being in Akira. For the geeks who know what I’m talking about, I’m always Tetsuo in my dreams and just like him, as soon as I realize I have powers I start killing anything and everything. Another reason to rejoice, Akira is in production (I believe they started already) for its live action movie. Don’t drool at work, it’s unbecoming.

You could go to youtube.com but instead go to Ryan Conner’s blog and watch the video of Mike Tyson’s best quotes. Feel free to let me know what your favorite was. My favorite is when he said “I’m a f*ck you in the @ss til’ you love me f@ggot!” Oh Mike Tyson, you terrify me in every possible way. I was afraid to embed the video on my page cause you never know. What happens if a million people read this one day and Mike catches wind of me embedding the video. You can’t run far enough to feel safe when a man like that has you on the brain. Run Ryan…

I went down to get a soda and a King Size Twix, but my arms are still shot. The soda glass door slides and normally is tough to get open so I end up slamming it open then gliding shut. I almost had to use two hands to get the door open, luckily no one was around. My friend Cassaundra thought it was hysterical and was about to help me. Now I know what it’s like to be without legs. You something to happen and it just won’t.

If you can’t acknowledge that Justin Timberlake is a talent performer by now, you’re hiding a crush. It’s that simple, sing that $#!T man!

I guess I’ve blog until I can’t blog anymore, I pray that everyone on earth (or at least or little community) writes a new blog that I may read and chuckle silently to at my desk. Oh what a Wednesday that would be.

Laters

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

You shut your mouth when you talk to me...

Bless Eli’s big heart, he takes on putting the list and everything with such a grin. Though, I don’t think I was a d*ck about it last night. I dare say everyone that came to me got a spot. That will not always be the case but for one night, I was super…. Thanks for asking. I even had one of those MEGA slices of pizza that Adams Morgan is known for. This wasn’t my first slice, Eli and I had a couple way back when we first went to check out the Spy Lounge. I ate a lot more yesterday than last time, why you ask? Cause baked like a pizza, that’s why.

I arrived at work today to discover that for a while it will be just an Iraqi woman and I manning a 6 person team. People using leave, someone’s father passed away and then there’s the dragon in the corner who eats people that can’t answer his riddles. I steer clear of the water cooler for that reason alone. He’s good.

I just saw a man with Rasta dreads at work. It’s not the first time, but man that makes me yearn for power. To fire his @ss and anyone that wants to stand up for him. Example, of course you may have one:
TRich( pronounce trich, you guys crack me up): Damien can I speak with you?
Damien: Sure boss, what can I do for you?
T: You’re f*ckin’ fired…
D: Wha… how can you do this? Without any warning or anything.
T: Don’t make a scene, just get your stuff. I can’t have you in here “Reggae-ing” it up. Hurry now, undale undale.
D: You’re a monster, because I have pride in my roots?! Because I choose to show it? EVERYONE, I’VE BEEN FIRED FOR MY HAIR STYLE!!!
Random woman: Oh my God, Damien are you serious? That’s crazy.
T: Crazy like that report you turned in last week. You’re fired too Carol.
C: Oh my God, you’re a maniac. I quit.
T: Too late lazy I fired you 25 seconds ago, are you deaf too?
Edmund: Sir, this is a little much, isn’t it?
T: You’re fired too Edmund.
E: A$$hole! You can’t do this…
T: Too late it’s done, good bye. LOOK PEOPLE, IF YOU CROSS ME I’LL HAVE THE LAST PRETZEL IN THE UTZ TUBE! I’M ALL THE GOD YOU NEED, that’s seems a bit strong, BUT NEVER CROSS ME FOR MY WORDS ARE DIPPED IN GOLD AND WORTH EVERY CENT.

See, I can’t wait to be the boss. Sigh, waiting sucks.

On Friday Nelson and I went to my friend Stu’s house. There just so happened to be a bong that stands about 3’5 at his place and there was no way I was gonna let Nelson walk away from that slow jam. He coughed pretty badly, but it wasn’t until about an hour and half passed that I looked over at him again. Nelson was almost blue and kinda sweaty with a quivering lip. We all laughed, then like any good hetero-mate (homies 4 Life b*tch) I took him home. I got two texts from Stu: 1)the phrase “gettin smacked” has been replaced with “getting Nelsoned”. 2) So it is written. So it is done.

Babygirl finally watched my set (video not live, wouldn’t want to f*ck up and look stupid). Now that that’s out of the way, let the robbing spree begin…

On Friday my old boss came up to present me with an award and a little monies for my old section’s portfolio last year. As he walked away he said “You know you can come back, we have openings”. What he didn’t know is that I’d seen the openings which were a slight promotion but that’s only because my old position doesn’t exist anymore so everyone received a promotion. My response: “I’d seen those…. NFL season starts soon!”

Today I had someone call my phone and start our convo with “Happy Tuesday Man!”. He went on to even use the word shenanigans in a serious manner. It’s a shame there wasn’t more time, I’d love to see what type of vocabulary he uses on a day to day. So many forgotten, more importantly funny, words to throw out in conversation.

Okey doke, I’m gonna go live some more so I can blog tomorrow… God, how pathetic was that. Too lazy to hold the backspace key though… yep.

Laters

Monday, July 28, 2008

This condom burns.... oh, it's not on...$#!T

Well, the Laughing Shaunessy's showcase was pretty cool. Keith brought a lot of the crowd, and like a d*ck, took them away the moment he was done onstage. He went 3rd.... yep. I went first so had the pleasure of performing to a "fuller" room. I feel like it went okay, but the highlight of the night was a new sport that I'd like to introduce. I'm sure many of us have played without knowing, I'm just going to throw some "order" into the vat. Ready, I'm getting ahead of myself, let me explain. It is no secret by now that Hampton & Aparna are happily coupled, I was next to them for about 20 minutes and don't think I've ever felt so single and alone. It's not their fault no one loves me, but they weren't helping, "Love you guys!". If you pay attention, doesn't even have to be close attention, you'll notice the love when one is performing. No, not Hampton, Aparna wears a look of normalcy and neutrality when Hampton's on. But I'm sure she wants her "Bubby" to do well (that's not a nickname between them, just a suggested nickname). But oh, when Aparna takes to the stage there is nothing as priceless than sneaking a peek at Hampton. It's the exact same face that we all had when Christmas morning finally came and our parents said "Go ahead, we'll be down in a minute with the camera". If you've seen him then you've also probably made eye contact with him, cause right when you're staring, admiring the love in his eyes, he's looking right back at you. I've noticed several times, so here are the rules for "Hampton Fishing":
5 points- If you see him blink (he doesn't, so feel accomplished)
10 points- If he slaps his knee
15 points- If without saying anything to him you make eye contact
20 points- If you laugh when he looks at you so he doesn't tell Aparna you were a d*ck and weren't paying attention. Instead of listening to her genius, you were focused on another guy the entire time a woman was performing on stage. Admittedly, this game is slightly gay... but that's okay.

When you're done tallying up your score, take it to the other comics and compare. See who was really paying attention, then show Hampton. This could be an awkward game should they ever break up....

Did anyone notice that Carmen Electra never aged. She might be a little slimmer but really she's still the same naked body I looked at in my first porno when I was in the 7th grade. Whew, that was one hell of a run-on sentence huh? Anyway, it got me to thinking that maybe she found the secret of eternal youth.... Dave Navarro's d*ck. I know I know, she banged a lot of people like Dennis Rodman, but that's just gross. I say anyone that wants to be young forever join me in front of Mr. Navarro's mansion and demand our share. (Don't write a joke to that, for once I thought I'd preview a premise in a blog... kill me)

Entourage returns to HBO the first Sunday of September. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns in September.... Why do we spend all year waiting for the summer only to have the television remind us that Summer sucks.

Some times I wonder if my blog was as angry (at times) as Justin Cousson's when I first started this farce... to Justin's credit, he has yet to have a title like "Kevin Lee is a f*ckin faggot"... you know what? In hindsight, I still like that title. Some things will never change.

Where the hell is Jeremy Hotz?! I fell in love with his stand up special on Comedy Central back in high school, even my mom laughed and she hates to laugh. I miss you, please Google your name and find this beacon from a true fan. Please Mr. Hotz...

I didn't go to work today, cause I felt like sleeping. It's allowed me to see a lot of what goes on at home during the day. Other than masturbation, it's silent. I'm watching Comix Remix on Comedy Central and there is some Andy Dick stand up from the early 90's. This is before "some" people got his bi-curious humor so it's just pretty creepy. Like Eli Sairs, I just can't figure him out.

Well sir, I'm gonna go. It's about time I jump online and slaughter the children of the world in a video game. You know that creepy speech Jim Carrey gives in The Cable Guy? It was 100% correct.

Laters, by the way, does this kid look like he could be my son?









Friday, July 25, 2008

The plot thickens

What’s a Friday without a kick in the groin? For those of you that said blissful… you’re wrong. That’s like saying peanut and jelly would be great if all that peanut butter weren’t getting in the way. That’s why when I get home the first thing I’m going to do is kick off my shoezens (zapatos) and grab a nice thin pair of socks. I’m going to roll up the right leg of my jeans and hide in Nelson’s closet, using his dirty clothes as camo if need be. When he comes home I’m sure he’ll peel off his work clothes that will be soaked in nasty, no doubt. That’s when I leap from the closet shouting “Moondaba!” and crank back my leg for a kick to the balls that Kevin will feel from wherever he is. I’m gonna curl my toes to make sure that the balls of my feet change his life forever. A good kick to the fruits is always savored best when you’ve planned over it and strategized ever possible factor. I’ve drawn up Venn diagrams and pie charts to make sure that I’ve taken the best course of action and it’s settle; he’s going down.

Nothing is more awkward then trying to open a soda in a board meeting. No matter how long and careful you are, that bottle of Sprite will still “sigh” and everyone will look at you. Ah, gotta love meetings.

Little children in my neighborhood actually starting greeting me with “Hello Mister”, I’m officially an old man now. Oh God.

Dear Wolf, please reverse the aging process and allow me the opportunity to take some lessons back to middle school. With the knowledge I have now, I could have any girl I wanted back then. Never listen, treat’em like $#!T, wear cologne and don’t talk. I’d be a pimp. Praise be to the Wolf!

Eli’s blog tickles me, and it shouldn’t.

The List: Seaton, Erin, Justin C., Chris Hayes, Haywood, Bryson, John McBride, Barylick, Travis, Tim (I’m not calling him ____ ), Aparna & Hampton, Doo Doo, Sampson, Sean Ellis, Jake, Molberg, Kyle Martin, Atif, Tyler S., Eli (I was gonna put him earlier but I don’t want to reveal my crush…. Oh, that’s gay), Mumma, Schlegel (he can’t stay away), Poon, Andy Kline, Jay Hastings, Nick Turner, Mike Way, Weems, Courtney. I know I left people out but no intentionally, I just wanted to see exactly how many people I could name off the top of my head. It’s quite a scene though isn’t it? Wait…. Why the f*ck aren’t I on this list?!

A lady who reeked of cigarette smoke coughed profusely and gave me a dirt look for having cologne on. When she left the elevator I could hardly breathe cause she left a cloud of second hand smoke. Karma, right?

A little less conversation a little more action… I don’t really think that song gets played enough. Does it ever get old enough that your feet aren’t tapping? Of course not, sing that $#!T Elvis.

I just ate a retarded and deformed chicken. That is all. Oh yeah, it had a hair in it. Let that thought soothe you right into a coma. Cause that’s what bad chicken leads to.

Laters, see you tomorrow at the ex-Laughing Lizard (I can’t spell the name of that place to save my life)…

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The tragic tale of Eli Sairs


What is it about a good subway sandwich that could make a blind man see and a cripple do trigonometry? Perhaps it’s that they really care.

“What kind of Astronaut are you?” “The kind that hunts humans like you (shotguns the man in the chest)” And this is why we love Human Giant…. That’s too deliciously evil not to be loved.

Sorry I haven’t been around as much as normal, I’ve been eating a lot of Chipotle. My new nickname…. “The $#!T cannon”. Yep.

Let’s play a little ketchup shall we, it’s been a while. While I fill in on what I’ve neglected to blog about I will be using a new formula. Nelson and I went back and forth yesterday using our Manictionary of words; basically we transformed one word per sentence and inserted man. Here we go:

Monday: Was a manplete blur. I manmember waking up and eating lunch, somewhere in the middle there was a sword fight. I was not at Spy Lounge, to be honest, it was Eli’s week to host and though gas is manilly coming down in price… $#!T ain’t sweet just yet. Blah, that was my Manday.

Tuesday: I manolled around in the bed well past a time that would get me to work on time. It was mantually pretty sweet but then I thought about leaving one person on my team to do all the work and got out of bed. I was manout an hour late. I stroked what is no longer a bumstache and is now a manstache for a while cause I could. Sweet, oh and then I stopped by the local cinema and saw The Dark Knight, manificent, for the third time. Clearly, I have no life, but I guess no one does since that maneater was packed on Tuesday night.

Wednesday: Nothing really significant went down but I did see a mantastic accident right behind me yesterday. I heard a loud MAN! (Should have said POW, but I made a promise darn it and I’m going to keep it) and turned around to see nothing. The car that was right manhind me moved slightly to the left and I saw that the Focus behind him was f*cked up. Then it occurred to me what happened, I laughed, and then I thanked my lucky stars that the wolf put the manomobile behind me to take that blow. I’d hate to have to haunt Eli just to tell this story… manosexual. Even though this just happened today I want to mancuss (discuss) what I just saw. I was dropping off some manmail on a co-worker’s desk and another co-worker passed me. She put out her hand to take an envelope and there it was, right over her mansculine thumb…. The biggest boogie ever. I was frozen with disgust and she looked at my manified face, then connected with my eyes and saw I was checking out Roger. I’ve named it Roger because it asked me to re-man-o-f*cking-spect (respect) it. That thing was wearing a mandana (bandana).

Eli Sairs is a wanted felon. His record of breaking and entering is only matched by the sacred hard drive containing more child porn than any man should need. It literally turned a solicitor blind. Ask him to see it, I guarantee he will deny its existence. He has to because if he ever goes back in the booty house, the Latin Kings will peel the sensuality right off those white thighs of his. Apparently, when you decide to make your cellmate into your lover, you’d better be sure that he’s not connected. And when you find out, you definitely shouldn’t stab out his eyes and play the harmonica until the guards come. “You got a payback coming!” That was all that Eduardo could mutter while Eli played his harmonica and danced the jig of the gypsy around his lover. I’d heard of Eli but wasn’t sure this sweet man was the same man legend had spoke of. It wasn’t until one day when we were mid high five that I looked down and saw an (it rhymes with…) direction, he noticed that I caught his and his smile still sends chills down my spine…. I’m so cold. So keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer. I do…

I like that even though the bar is no longer called The Laughing Lizard, people still advertise “Come to the Laughing Lizard 2.0 showcase on Saturday, July 26th!!” I’ll be there…. So…. Yep.

I’m not to far away from a Kansas City Shuffle, if you’ve watched Lucky Number Slevin you know what I mean. If not, just hang on for a while…. I’ll show you, you’ll see.

When people sneeze and actually say “Hachoo!” that is totally unnecessary. First time at the office, that’s counseling. Second time, 20 lashes, it’s only fair. If it happens again, Brazilian wax. That’s a huge threat to a man (a lot of hair in the tunnel), for a woman… a slap says a thousand words. Hitting women isn’t fu….yes, yes it is.

I’m gonna work now, but since I’ve figured out a new way to blog at work I’ll try not to let so much time pass.

Laters…

Friday, July 18, 2008

Just as good as the hype!

Hello everyone!

This morning I went to the IMAX theater in Chantilly, VA and checked out The Dark Knight. It was awesome. I'm not going to give a great big review because chances are you're going to see it and have probably read one of several reviews here or somewhere else by now. I personally, could not take my eyes off the screen or even muster a word until the credits started to roll. Awesome. Two-Face actually had me rooting for Aaron Eckhart to get more screen time. And, the Joker.... oh God.

When my friend Josh and I got to the theater seating was scarce. We arrived at about 11, I'm not sure when these people got there. We asked several people if seats were taken by the water bottles, skittles and jackets they had on the chairs. Until we got to Fat Greg. His name probably wasn't Greg but he was most definitely a great big fat guy. Uggg, so we ask if the two seats next to him were taken and of course, they weren't. I hate sitting next to strangers but I was a lot more willing to sit next to the couple on the other side than Fat Greg. Josh, that black son of a b*tch, yeah he's white, dived for the seat just like I did. Example: "No, they're not taken" (two grown men struggle and scuffle for one chair cause neither wants to sit next to the man. He can see them and hear them cause he's right there. Then I lost and had to play off not wanting to be next to Fat Greg). Greg was so fat I was unable to get to my armrest. You don't have to share an armrest at the IMAX, everyone has their own. His stomach went over his, filled the nice sized gap in between and came over onto my armrest. I didn't realize at first until I rested my forearm on his jelly and squealed like a pig. I turned to Josh, I hope I was whispering but I was drunk, and said "This guy is so fat I just rested my arm on his jelly". When I looked over I swear Fat Greg was looking at me through his peripheral vision. As the movie went on the only thing I could focus on, besides the masterpiece happening in front of me, was the smell coming from Greg. I'm not sure if something got caught in a fold, or if his boyfriend likes his salad tossed on Thursday nights and there was no time to brush his teeth, BUT GOD. It was nausea gas, like a big bag o d*ck. Every time he took a big breath, I cringed, every time I took a big breath I cringed. I can't hold my breath for 2 and a half hours. Rancid cheese (okay I've only got a few left) mixed with hobo tears. Fresh dog shit you just stepped in, mayo gargled by a prostitute. You get it, as we walked out of the theater it wasn't until we got to the car that we discussed the movie. Jermaine says it's the $#!t too, but the entire time we walked from our seat the car it was like high school. Everyone came out and discussed what they thought like they were film critics (I'm one to talk, I know) and in the midst of the discussion I chose to bring up Fat Greg. The movie left a pretty big impression on me, but oh Fat Greg, you left a bigger one.... on my soul. No one smelled it but me, perhaps it was all some mean trick by the Wolf for going to church. "Enjoy something great but you are going to sit in dog sh*t the entire time you enjoy it", Praise be to the wolf....

Nelson is having a big party on Saturday that I'm sure will be quite the meaty blog on Monday. 20+ people crammed in an apartment, sometimes people just don't think things through. But there will be whores, scores and scores of whores.

Gotta go seize this wonderful day, cause I took it off, snootchie boochies!

Laters

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So, we're back already?

How is everyone? Hope I haven't missed too much lately. Apparently Seaton Smith is an international superstar now, and Quiton Jackson is no longer UFC Lightweight Champion. Sucks... not the Seaton part. Woo-Hoo! Show Toronto how we do pimp!

My weekend with Justin Schlegel and Gary Gullman was out of control. Justin crushed that b*tch to death and Gary was extremely cool. It was a shame that it was only two shows cause 7 would have suited me just right. Oh, did I mention that I didn't get anything chucked at me? Whoops, apparently I didn't suck too horribly, but "Who the F*ck is Tyler Richardson" though?

Atif's new "manificient" beard bring me nothing but jealousy.

Thank God he's Muslim and therefore, he hated by 53% of America. Muslim's apparently count for more of these United States than we are led to believe. Check Twitter.com

I had an orgasm the other day... just felt like that was worth mentioning.... shut up.

Since I'm not at work I've decided to put any picture that tickles me. This is what I went with (look above)

I decided not to put any porn since when Justin had his blog that had the two "Ryan Conner"s, it involved the comic and a naked picture of the porn star bent over showing her mother's delight to the world. I was at work when I saw that and immediately clicked the "X" button. I felt my heart race through my d*ck. WARN US NEXT TIME JUSTIN, WARN US. COUSSON!!!!

The Boondocks will now start playing weekdays at 12:30 am.... AWESOME.

Spy Lounge was a lot of fun on Mondays. I won't even give any details that way all the new people have some added suspense. Okay, a teaser then. I hosted, Eli serenaded me with my own jokes, Haywood laughed, Sampson was gay, Chris Haynes walked some folks :), Travis Johnson offended some South African women, I didn't drink too much, Bryson came, Bryson and Eli had a cell phone conversation in place of Sampson's set (oh, he was performing, they just took over with the phone call about his time... my personal favorite)(Love you Sampson) and Sean Ellis warmed up the crowd with haiku. The last part was a lie but if you ask Sean, I'm sure he won't call me a liar.

E3 is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! www.ign.com

The Dark Knight is only 2 days away for me. Crap, I just had a wet daydream.

The key to a man's happiness is not through his belly. It's through his Glouck. Squeeze it right and he'll purr like a kitten.

Have I mentioned that I dig the fact that people are actually reading this now? Thanks guys....

I actually heard a woman say that men only read Victoria's Secret catalogs to jerk off to them. No, the year was not 1985. This was in the now, and she truly believes that even though you only have to click "ENTER" once you go to www.youporn.com. WTF!!!???

Jerking off to women clothed... Pshaw.

A moment while I scratch..... ......... .......... gross.

If I thought I'd get paid for it I would sell myself to the stars as a "fan for hire". Example: "Hey aren't you ______!" "Oh, my God is that _____!" "Get the f*ck out of my way, THAT'S ____!" See what I'm talking about? Genius marketing..... c'mon Pauly Shore. I pitched the $#!t out of that! i pitched the $#!t out of.... damnit.

Alright I'm spent. We'll run into each other, out there. I hope, cause KFC is still selling the HOT WINGS and... no. I will get out of the house.

Laters

:I

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

TRich get back on your blog!!

A real blog tomorrow. For now.....

Friday, July 11, 2008

Whoops, missed a day. I'm pregnant :(

I'm pretty psyched to be hosting for Gary Gullman from Tourgasm and LCS this weekend. It was Bryan Callen but you know what they say about life.... sometimes it changes.

Send the troops home and send one Hulk Hogan out to Iran to set things right "Brother"! Imagine how many leg drops it would take for them to surrender... my guess :54

Nelson, Kevin and I usally have a fun time creating new words that involve "man". Example: Mantasy, Mantastic, Manificant. Well now I've met the new love of my life: Tymanosaurus Rex. Oh, don't it roll off the tongue so well you just wanna sop it up with a biscuit.

A Child's Prayer: Dear Wolf, please kill Billy Abraham. He bullies me and makes all the girls laugh at me. Show him no mercy for he is a Tymanosaurus Rex. Dear God, please forgive me going to the wolf for a favor. I just know how you feel about exacting vengeance on one of your sheep. Amen.

I think the use of that worked out well, don't you?

Bobert Downey Jr. is playing Sherlock... awesome. Bobert Deniro is still not accepting roles worthy of his genius.... not so awesome.

Nobody will ever care for you like your mother. I used to think that was total B*ll$#!t when my mother told me that. Now I see that couldn't be more true. Never fool yourself into thinking somebody loves you more than anyone on the planet. That little lesson keeps me single, but one day.... nah, I'm gonna have to adopt. I need to dement some little kid of my own.

Stride gum does not actually last long. I clocked it at about 3 minutes.... you lied to me Stride. How could you? I trusted you. I swallowed for Christ sake. I f*cking loved you, how the f*ck could you do this to me. Get your $#!t and get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Don't grab those, those aren't yours. I bought that $#!t. All you had to do was be honest with me, I could've taken it. Sob....

My Grandpa's friend DeAnn says I'm either a genius or seriously disturbed. Sadly, my mind is so much worse than what I'm willing to put out there for other comics to judge. Some would think I'm insane, others would wonder how I could laugh about something like 9/11 (just an example, don't judge... no, it's true, judge away). Which is why I can't wait for Heath Ledger's interpretation of the Joker. If you look up the definition of a sociopath, which I had a whole blog dedicated to, you're looking at a pretty good description of who I am. I won't say I'm violent (that's part of the description) I found most of the criteria to be spot on. Take that for what it's worth.

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood.... who created this saying? Why? I imagine it was a time before television... maybe even radio. Back when people stood on stoops outside and conversed day in and day out. When condoms didn't exist (YEAH!!!) and malaria was something to be afraid of. Oh, the 60's were tough.

P.S.- I'm aware that radio and television were around in the 60's. My 8th grade teacher replayed the Kennedy assassination at least 5 times for us. It was awesome, and totally inappropriate to replay that many times. Just imagine the size of the grin on my face when all the children had enough and she rewound several more times just to make sure it was forever imprinted on our brains. "Did everyone catch that? Hmm? We'll go back and play that one more time, Mkay?" Oh, Mrs. Arnold.

If someone would actually like me to blog more about our comedy scene please let me know. I'd like to think I keep these somewhat interesting, but perhaps people are as bored as I am with a lot of the blogs these days. Seems like a lot more people are reading now than when I first started and was as excited as Justin Cousson. Let me know.

I think I'm gonna get back to work, have a merry weekend. Laughing Lizard is this Saturday so live it up, assuming you've already seem Gary Gullman at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse on Friday ;)

Laters

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Conversations with myself

Good morning Tyler,

How'd it go last night? another competition huh? Jesus those are popular. Isn't being funny enough, is it necessary to be funnier than "so and so"?

TRich Baby,

Last night was a blast, Odyssey packed that place last night. I was expecting a pretty small crowd, cause it was a Tuesday, but it was standing room only. I'm not sure I've seen the Funnybone packed like that during the weekend shows. I feel like it was 9.5 and the crowd seemed to love everybody. Fun stuff. Did I mention I hit traffic twice on the way home.... that was a nice slice of b*tch at 11 pm when I had to work the next morning.

Tyler,

Do you remember when we used to wrestle? I was just thinking about when that one guy had a submission on and got the other guy to tap. The referee blew the whistle for the tap and the submission guy wouldn't let go. All you heard the guy tapping yell was "Tweet Muthaf*cka, TWEET!!!!" Good times. Mom called yesterday and said she's gonna buy a Sony LCD, I tried talking her into a Samsung but she's a slave to the name... HAHA slave. Our supervisor hasn't come in yet today..... I don't want to jinx anything but c'mon Rapture.

TRich Daddy,

I spoke to Jermaine yesterday, he was in the subway with Ryan and Quincy, they were laughing and he put me on speakerphone without telling me. I was still crying after watching that 9/11 movie with Nicholas Cage.... last November. That $#!t was sad man. Babygirl said "Hi!", oh, and when I went to the bathroom I saw that weird guy that's always got on suspenders. When I walked in he had both hands high on the wall, with his head back and he was shaking it from side to side. Who waits that long to pee that it's become an exercise?!

Mr. Richardson,

Good that you heard from Jermaine, he texted me at work yesterday that he's got an audition with MTV on Friday. Hope he crushes that b*tch. Next time you hear from him make sure you greet him with "The Fowlest N*gga on the Planet!", that's from the heart. That guy with the suspenders is actually pretty cool, I remember him speaking to me one day in a benefits seminar. His humor was as dry as Nelson's bottom lip (cheap shot, but I took it). Still a gross image though. Kinda like when we were in AIT in San Antonio. Do you remember looking across the shower and seeing the platoon leader on his tippy toes facing you. Splitting his cheeks and seemingly dancing to get the inside clean.... some images stay with you forever. Forever. What are we doing together for the rest of the week?

TRichardson,

Don't ever mention that shower thing again, you know I hate when you bring that up. Uggg! I'm probably gonna chill tonight and hit something up tomorrow. Is there anywhere worthwhile to go on Thursdays? (Seriously, I'm drawing a blank). Old people have better things to do on Thursday nights than the comics in this area. If I'm missing something please God show me the light. Dear Wolfen God, if God can't show me something meaningful to drive to on Thursday, please strike Jake Young with the worst case of Chipotle $#!ts ever. Praise be to the wolf, Amen.

Tyler,

Chuuuch. I hope that Erin writes a new blog, I already read Justin, DCC4N, Aparna (sorry to hear about your friend) and Atif's have just been f*ckin' strange all week (I know, I have no room to talk... but still). Somebody's got to write something interesting or they're going to fire me for sleeping on the job. Well speaking of work we definitely need to do some. Later man.

Papi TRich,
Laters.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Is it just me or did that guy grab his d*ck at me?

When you look at the picture to the right, would you believe me if I said she was robbing them? Racist.

Funnybone'n it today so... woo-hoo!

Hopefully there'll be a show for teens tomorrow at the iNova Hospital in Fairfax, normally it's for kiddies but this time I think we can get away with saying @ss... ooooooo.
This weekend I get to host for Bryan Callen at the Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse, I was able to appreciate sketch comedy right at the time when MADTv first came out. So, I'm really excited to meet someone that was a part of that cast and to perform with him. Getting wood.... gross.

Yesterday I got some much needed sleep, ummm. I had those good dreams where everyone keeps offering you money and you're wife is still hot even though she's had about 23 clones of you. I had a majestic beard and was 9'5. A sword the size of Nelson sat on my waist and everywhere I went people knew me and threw out high fives. My dog has like He-Man's with a saddle and everything, yet spoke perfect German. I had an iPod (instead of my Blackberry) and perfect waves in my hair. Dolce and Gabbana came from my pores so there was no need to invest in them like I do. Ah, it was the type of wet nightmare we only dream about. "How was that a nightmare Tyler?" You did hear me say I was married didn't you? Yep.

Never trust a bum to watch something while you pee around the corner. You're welcome.

I've been watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia all morning on the ol' iPod.... c'mon September, Daddy needs season 4. "1 is the loneliest number that you'll ever do, 2 is just as bad as 1, it's the loneliest number since the number 1 AHHHHHH" What? That song makes me feel better and it lulls the beast back to sleep. For when the wolf is hungry no one shall be happy. Praise be to the.... you should have this part down by now.

A Cougar just walked by. Awesome, there are few women that are clearly my Mom's age that I would give it to. There are a lot that I would let r*pe me though. What? I hate the chase.

Kevin got to see a dead body after being stuck at a light for 15 minutes yesterday. It's the justice I've always dreamed of, I'm so jealous. All I've ever asked of the wolf is that if I have to sit in traffic forever, let there be a decapitated head laying in the road. It's a reward, why else do so many people slow down when driving by accidents? To scowl at the dead body?
Latinoreview.com has finally given their advance review of The Dark Knight. It was good, they give no spoilers. For future reference, I love http://www.latinoreview.com/ because they writers and editor seem to be @ssholes and have opinions on movies similar to my own. Rarely ever have I disagreed with their reviews. Example from The Dark Knight review: "Morgan Freeman could play a 5'2 Chinese man who helped build the railroads or Archie Andrews and I'd believe it. Shit, he could play both Betty and Veronica and I'd buy it, although the bikini scenes would be kind of creepy. The man can do anything and is one of the best actors to have ever lived. I think when he passes away he'll simply disappear like Yoda and be one with The Force. "

Rockin' the "Bumstache" down to Richmond cause the last time I went clean shaven I didn't do so hot. "Look ma, I've picked up my own superstition!"

Diddy Bop- slang for t*tty f*ck. What? But, sadly, as much as that doesn't make sense it's always brought a smile to my face. Diddy Bop :)
Hello to my Grandfather's friend (I hope you were his friend) out there in Alabama, hope you're enjoying the writings. I see you... diddy bop.

Here is a quote that I would like to leave you bad asses with "What do you guys know about smuggling heroine through your @nus?" cause it's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Laters

Monday, July 07, 2008

Trapped at Border's

I look like $#!t today, which is because I feel like it. Struggling to stay awake.... my supervisor is taking leave today.... Babygirl saw me like this..... I just want today to be over.... but I'd settle for a nap.

While drinking OJ and Sprite (the OJ because it's early, the Sprite for my stomach) I had to burp. I got that feeling that I was going to throw up and began the struggle to keep it in. I broke out in a cold sweat and had that ridiculous look on my face where you instantly say "Holy $#!t, does anyone see that guy's face?! He's gonna f*ckin' hurl!" Pray for me

So let's take a trip through a few of my favorite weekend moments, shall we. On Thursday night we had a bit of a misadventure, first stop was Border's. Our friend Josh called and told us that he had a DVD that doesn't come out until tomorrow, so we asked where he got it so early. Thus, Nelson, Kevin and I were off to Border's... and Chipotle. When we got to Border's we could not see any sign of this movie. We did get stopped by a stranger though. He knew our old high school, even the year we graduated. He says he graduated with us.... this man looked 49 f*ckin' years old. Plus, I was pretty popular back in high school and the fact that he looked unfamiliar worried me. But if you say so man, so we introduced ourselves. We never got a name, instead we got a story about how he just found out that his fiance was cheating on him. Apparently he had one of those conversations with the "other" guy.... it didn't sound like it went well. I was focused on not laughing the entire time. I'll be sure to point out where I failed and laughed, hysterically, in his face. So then he went on about his DUIs, apparently he's got about 4 or 5 of them and dropped thousands (seriously made me think twice about driving with beer in the car) on lawyers for his cases. As a matter of fact, he had a DUI pending as of Thursday night. Oh, he had seen some $#!t. A couple of reckless driving tickets too, so needless to say he was waiting for his ride. He lived at home with his parents, he was pretty embarrassed about that. I believe right around there is where I lost it for the first time. I pulled it together though when he turned to say something to Nelson. Nelson gave me " An eye", I don't think he could believe this was happening... to that guy's life or to us. He hated his job and said that basically he was forced to work for chicken scratch. I noticed Kevin standing in the distance behind the guy, I knew if I turned and looked I would lose it so instead I look at Nelson.... not the right choice either. Did I mention I was "lifted" at the time? He went back to talking about his fiance, in a tone far too loud, and then I got a text message. It was a female that I'd been texting back and forth, a friend of mine, and I cut him off. I told him that I was hung up on how my ex just up and left me but in the end it was for the best. I pulled up the message and showed him, "Oh look it's another woman that probably wants to bang!" Nelson says "Oh my God" when he said that he sounded like he was laughing a little and I laughed like a fat guy was tickling me. I put out my hand for a high five and the mystery guy gave it some skin, even though he was not laughing. Nelson was bent over with laughter too. I don't believe I laughed in his face anymore but at a certain point you have to laugh when life is really taking a $#!t on you. When we got home we immediately searched through our senior year book for the mystery man. Nothing really looked like him, but we narrowed it down to a few suspects. Here's to hoping he doesn't commit suicide over all the bad ju-ju. It's weird to feel such pity and at the same time, joy. He made me that mucher happier about myself.

I swear I've written all of this while sleep typing at my desk.

Is it gay that I got as excited as a school girl when I received a message from Vince Morris? If not, it's definitely gay that I put a mask on my dog and glued a mic in one of his paws...

Jermaine sounds like he's having a ball up there. Here's to hoping his first mugging is a non-violent one....

I've purchased my tickets for The Dark Knight in IMAX, it's a shame I have to see it with a guy. For some reason women don't think this movie is important enough to take off the day for.

Richmond tomorrow!!!! The song "I've got the POWER" just ran through my head. God, I'm getting old cause that song used to make it's way into every movie at just the right time in the 90's.

Don't forget Spy Lounge and Chief Ike's tonight!!!! use them both, you never how long we'll have two open mics with walking distance of each other.

I look like the black version of Shaggy today, I have a "bumstache"... I'm gonna grab more zzz's at my desk.

Laters

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Apparently, I'm not that boring

I had so much to ramble about but then someone *cough*my boss*cough* kinda pissed me off. Now I have nothing funny running through my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm too sexy for that. At least that's what babygirl tells me... ;)

The news is always so negative, but perhaps if they had a clown read it....

Speaking of news anchors, every morning I hear an inappropriate joke during the morning news. Example: "Studies now find that Coca-Cola products reduce the average married person's sex life. Huh, I guess I'd better throw out all the Mr. Pibb, cause my wife never seems to be in the mood".... did you just talk about your sex life while reading the news??!! Show some respect for your position, What Would Dan Rather Do?

When will it ever become popular for women to put on a whole shoe? I'm tired of seeing feet all day long, everyday.

"How high does a sycamore grow? If you cut it down, then you'll never know. You can own the earth and still all you'll own is earth until.... You can paint with all the c-o-l-o-r-s of the wind"... Yeah, I like to sing songs from Disney's Pocahontas to pass the time.... What of it?

I meant to tell this yesterday but since I just caught a whiff of myself I'll share now. On Sunday I went to the grocery store to get deodorant. Kevin had been teasing me by saying that my last deodorant smelled too good, and that is was for women. I looked all over and did not see the word "women" anywhere on it. But he swears he saw it in the women's section of some other store. So, when I got there, even though I loved the way the old one smelled I decided I'd get something new. I picked up the one next to it and got out of there. It reads "Shower rain". When I got home and took a shower I put it on and was blown away by how gorgeous I smell. I told Nelson, "Come smell my arm pits, I'm beautiful". He replied "What, did you get another women's deodorant?", to prove him wrong I raced to the bathroom and got the canister and before I got back I read the can "Women's Degree".... Who knew that Degree makes deodorant for women?! Since most deodorants are strong enough for a man but made for a woman, I decided I'm rocking this scent until the bottle is emtpy. Now we all know that I wear Dolce & Gabbana cologne but it's not strong enough to completely cover this beauty. I can smell it all day and it smells exactly like a woman came right out of the shower and started to cuddle with me. I smell like a beautiful, clean, big-bre... I'm getting off topic. When you run into me check and see, it's kinda creepy. But I can't stop smelling myself.

High Top Fade's are back in style. This is what babygirl had to say when I asked if that was the truth "
Its definitely NOT FOR EVERYONE! So don't try! lol But I think whoever decided to bring that back needs to be slapped and then held down while someone shaves their head bald! jk". I couldn't have said it better myself.

Nick Turner. So many people read the blog yesterday that I thought I'd see if saying his name would duplicate that. I just wanna be popular GEEZ!

Dear God, let tomorrow be the bestest holiday it can be. Let good friends gather and drink many a Mylah Lite, let them laugh and dance and do things that are shaming. Most importantly, keep them safe from stabbings... you know how I fear that.
Dear Wolfen God, if God can't make tomorrow the bestest holiday it can be, please strike Nelson with tuberculosis. Amen.

Praise be to the Wolf.

Last ramble: Nelson was in a store the other day and a large family piled into the store behind him. Kevin and I were in the car stuffing Taco Bell into our gullets. This is his account of what a fat lady was saying. While waddling down one aisle he heard her declare "Damn, how they ain't gon have no cupcakes or nuffin'?" I struggled not to laugh whle standing within plain site of the behemoth. Then, what finally broke down my sweet, Tapioka skinned Filipino was when she belted "Oh $#!t!, is that cheese? Microwave that $#!t for me please"... it was too much for him. When he came out, still holding his face, all he could say was "look at what's behind the counter"... when we did he layed the story on us, then the three of us went home and got it on for our internet sex company. Three Guys and a dog: Bestiality never smelled so right.

Be safe, I'll see you guys around.

Laters


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Praise be to the Wolf

I just started saying that to Nelson last night while we were "Up in Smoke" and he can't get enough. It's so beautifully blasphemous. He provided me with the lovely picture that you see to the left here. Ah, drink it in. Also, if anyone thinks they can take him on in Dragonball Z BURST LIMIT, give that $#!t a shot cause the man is nasty. I spent hours watching him dominate people online yesterday.... while eating from a GIGANTO bag of Taco Bell.... and sipping on my Mylla Lite (that's country for Miller Lite).... and grabbing myself.... what? I was toasted. And we sang songs and ate Chinese food after that for 16 hours God Dang. It was a Tuesday.

The makes want to call my friend Hector, anytime that we saw an ugly woman I would cringe. I don't know why I just cringe at ugly, and he would smile. I'd say "You can't be serious, that's gross" and he ALWAYS patted me on the shoulder and said "Eh, on a Tuesday night.... there ain't nothin better to do". Oh Hector, my he forever Harlem Shake himself free of "The Clap".... cause ugly girls got that $#!t.

So at this point every comedian but Tom Myers and I have dressed up and gone to Top Shelf. I'm not bitter, as a matter a fact I find it pretty funny. Cause whenever I start to think bitter, and to be honest I was pretty f*ckin' bitter until November of last year (about comedy), I think of Nick Turner (I think he books it but if he doesn't replace him with whoever) in a burning car. He screams "Hey, I don't really remember your name but you're a comic right? Help me!!!!!" I reply " Let me call someone who's been on Top Shelf and see how close they are, I'm actually on my way somewhere". Sadly, just typing that is making me laugh at my desk and I must look crazy... which I f*ckin' am. What makes it even funnier to me is that "This Christmas" just came on my iPod while I laughed like a drunken Chinaman about letting someone die that didn't invite me to a show. Life is Beautiful, you just have to learn to laugh at the small things.

And no, I wish Nick or whoever books Top Shelf no ill. We'll high five that $#!t out when I see him again. And I will see him too.

Yesterday Jermaine left, I believe, and it's gonna be weird without him here anymore. He was the first friend that I made in comedy. I do not mean comedy friend, he's eaten with my family, slept at my place more than any female... I think, knows all of my closest friends, I'm pretty sure he was trying to holla at my sister and he's one of my best friends. When I met him I was just getting over a summer of unemployment and a break up with girl that I was with for 4 years... life was a disaster and we used to constantly joke about how bitter I was. I will go up and see him in NY and I hope that one day we'll be apart of the same comedy scene (yes, I want to move too) again. I have learned a lot from him. He was the first person I was able to call and run jokes by whenever it hit me. When I'm at work I call to discuss random $#!t, and Lord knows that man has a ton of $#!t flying through his mind too, mostly at 1 am. To anyone new, here is what Jermaine taught me that has really done more for me than I ever dreamed it would.... "Get off your @ss and hustle". I used to ask him how he knew certain people, he'd say "Oh, I look him up and then I called him". It was that simple, and then I'd see he got some crazy gig and I'd ask how he got that. He'd say "I've been calling them forever, they finally got me in", eventually I copied what he did saw results for myself. It is amazing what can happen when you call someone enough, or e-mail them to follow up on something. I spend a lot of my day making calls, especially on the drive home in traffic. What else would I be doing? That lesson, for me, was priceless cause I was definitely slacking for the first year and a half. I expected someone to see me and say "wow, he's funny. I'd love to give him every opportunity that comes across my desk." But life isn't like that. At first the calls didn't really go that well and then once it's a habit like swallowing, the professionalism seems to come across to people. I miss you alreay man. I think Jermaine is hilarious but even if no one found him funny he is too motivated to fail, NY ain't ready.

Friday I buy my tickets for The Dark Knight to see it in an IMAX theater. I'm going to be engulfed in madness.
Can't think of anything else so I guess I'll stop for today.

Laters


Tuesday, July 01, 2008

I had pride... once.

If blogs were cars here is a breakdown of what we'd be looking at on DCStandup.com:
EJ- Volvo, classy
Aparna- Volkswagon Toureg, stylish
DCComedy4Now: Toyota Sienna, you can fit a lot of $#!t in there
Ryan Conner: Scion TC, who doesn't like those?
Tom Myers: Ford Focus, we've all taken a few peeks at one
Jimmy Merrit: Subaru, no one knows you've test driven but it was a damn smooth ride
Danny: Well.... I don't know Danny.
Justin Cousson: (get ready for the d*ck ride) Mercedes C class, the look of his blog is emaculate. I'm impressed with it, and there's no way I'm taking the time make mine look like that. Right on Justin.

Despite whatever is going on with the microphone, last night was fun. And somehow, despite the fact that the DCComedy4Now blog had that phoney post by an attractive imaginary sorority girl, we actually pulled quite a few women from the street. Normally they just walk by. Also, with no malice whatsoever, Did this "Mikael J" (I don't know him) take over everything Nick and Jason were doing? I know he's doing the blog but is he also running Solly's and Cheif Ike's, like a symbiote? You intrigue me "Mikael J", I hope that when I do come face to face with him he's menacing, like Venom. Don't just be a normal looking guy, cause that's just disappointing. Have a scar....

I have an idea for a music video that I think everyone will love, but the only way I'm doing it is if Schlegel does it with me. I'll let you know what he says.

One more person uses Spy Lounge to promote something else and I'll throw a beer bottle at your face. I love you Tyler S., no I'm not talking to you, but that has happened more than once. I think we all know I drink enough to do it.

Latinoreview.com reported that Beverly Hills Cop 4 will not be rated PG, it made me so soft to think that they would make it a kiddie movie. Thank God, cause when I was a kid I loved Eddie Murphy in all three of those. Hooray for curse words.

I have known Sampson was gay for over a year now, but I did not know until last night that he was public about it now. I was blown away when Justin mentioned it in a blog the other day, just because I thought it was still a secret, but I'm glad that he's living his life. We're still gonna need to pull some money together and get him a shirt though. Muscle shirts, Muscle shirts, Muscle shirts.... there hopefully it disappeared whereever he is. I pray he not reading to children. They're so impressionable...

Small victories, take 1:
When you Google my name without comedy or parentheses, I am the first three and number 5 or 6. I'm pretty turned on by that. It keeps me going whenever I feel unfunny, plus I have big p_nis.... that keeps me pretty happy.

Please God, bring the new iPhone 3G to T-Mobile. I'll stop mastur*ating.

Please Wolf, if God can't put the iPhone 3G on T-Mobile's service, kill Jermaine before he gets to New York. Praise be to the Wolf.

Text messages amongst men make me frown.... I can't be alone, you get excited when you get one until you realize it's a guy. "Ooo a text message, who could it b... oh, it's Josh."

Spicy chicken sandwiches right before bed give you wet nightmares. You heard me right.

I'm gonna go get a soda, so be cool and I'll see you guys tomorries.

Laters

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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