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Friday, September 25, 2009

Just like starting over


Dear Blog,

I apologize for the neglect lately, I’ve been practicing the subtle art of doing a handstand. I’m up to 40 seconds now… yeah, it did take me a week to get to that. You’re just jealous.

I guess I’ll break down the events of the weekend including a show at the Coat of Arms with band Sex and Missiles. On Friday I dashed home and scooped up the Asian that is often a supporting character in my stories, a smooth muthaf**** named Nelson. So, off we go and I hate to be late so I tried to time our drive with traffic down to the second. Well there was no traffic so we got there incredibly early. We came in and grabbed a couple of drinks at the bar with what could be mistaken for a field trip for the mentally insane while we waited. Eventually a man who looked like Grizzly Adams grabbed a guitar and a raccoon (really just another white guy but the image makes me laugh) and headed for the stage to blow in a jug and make funk happen. I called the band then realized that I hadn’t checked my calendar, the show was Saturday. So back home we went. We stopped and met up with my friend Leah for drinks and perhaps some rump shaking (lol rump). There isn’t much to say about all that except I pulled a white man move on the dance floor that left me standing with no partner. I walked toward this woman with a face excited like a child at Christmas began to point at her-then me-then her-then me (you get it) while thrusting my pelvis. She shook her head “No” while mouthing the words and I instantly busted into laughter. Why I threw that dance move out I have no idea. Nelson get rejected a couple of times too. Then we went to Checkers, where grease hides right on top of your bun; in plain sight. Stumbled home and woke up to have Nelson recount the night. Turns out it didn’t end at Checkers and I went up over the curb more times than I’m comfortable with. He was surprised we didn’t get pulled over, and I was hung over. Sigh.

Saturday was the actual show and during the day I just discovered how perfect Netflix is when you have an Xbox360. Fast forward to the show. If I said I bombed I would be implying that people gave my jokes attention enough to think they weren’t funny. It was like trying to tell jokes in the streets after a State of Emergency has been declared and I was pretty tickled by the whole thing. Had a couple people speak to me, not really heckling just letting me know they were listening. And then the bassist broke his guitar. So I scrambled to do a little more time while they worked on this technical difficulty, then someone shouts to sing a song. I had no idea what song I could do justice then Nelson shouted “Explosivo!” I love Tenacious D’s music (Jack Black and Kyle Gass for those of us that grew up with no television and were raised by squirrels) and have sang that song to myself a million times. At that moment I had nothing. Not a note, not a word, not even a little guy on my shoulder with encouraging words. I passed then awkwardly told another couple of jokes (a little new stuff that got what laughs it could) and got off. When I went outside there were a few people that gave encouraging statements but one of them had something better than any words… crack cocaine. Not really, but he did give me a user name and password for Brazzers.com. If you don’t know what that is you clearly don’t watch ANY porn online. It’s like going from a strip club that lets in 18+ to a 21+. Not only did I whip out my phone to have look, but there were two other people within earshot of the conversation who also owned iPhones and we all watched porn (without headsets, so everyone could hear) and laughed at our new success. There was also a gay man who was so danty and feminine I was actually uncomfortable in his presence. At times I would forget he was a man. I’m not saying he was pretty or anything like that, but I got out of there quickly. I come back to the table that Nelson is hunched at and he pushes his beer toward me. Not to finish it, but he told me he was done. He didn’t have too much but I trusted that he knew when it was too much.

“I feel like I might throw up but I’m fighting it.” We got outta there because it was pretty early Sunday morning by this point. As soon as we got on 495 he says “I think you better pull over.” I was in the right hand lane so let’s go to the dialogue:
Me: Well you better hold on a minute, I’ll get to a shoulder.
Nelson: Alright… actually, I think I got it.
Me: Oh, okay.
(1 minute later Nelson throws his hands up in front of his face and I see vomit erupt from him like someone just busted a fire hydrant. All different directions and so fast I can’t even flinch to shield my body. The passenger side of the car looked like someone blew up the Human Booger Man. I laughed hard for about 4 minutes, it’s how I handle most situations. Nelson was frozen in a pose with one hand in the air because he was soaked in vomit. After a while I asked for my phone to put a different song on… he says “I don’t think you want to touch your phone right now.” Laughter stopped. We drove back from Bethesda with all four windows down on a cold night because it smelled like an Oscar Meyer Sex Fight in the Corolla. Before we got home I stopped by Wendy’s because I was starving, Nelson appetite was gone. The fact that my friend Leah thinks it’s gross that I still had an appetite makes me laugh, because the car definitely stunk of meat.

I have to start blogging and performing again, which should be therapeutic as I’m single with loads of new material. No, none about her or relationships. After finally having a breakthrough in Accounting yesterday I feel really good about life. Tonight, my friends and I are rolling down to Richmond for a friend’s housewarming. Saturday, I hope to be at the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse. I miss everyone.

Peaces


Friday, September 18, 2009

They Live!


I am indeed alive, just napping… a lot. But it’s Friday and if I don’t get these random thoughts on paper I have the most bizarre nightmare imaginable. Last night: A Frog with boobs that won’t take no for an answer. Yep.

Tonight at the Coat of Arms CafĂ© in Bethesda, MD it will be Sex and Missiles (a cool @ss rock band), Gage (cool rapper) and me (who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson?!). The party starts at 9, the show should begin at 10. Lions and tigers and bears; “Oh my.”

I’m not particularly in a great mindset so let’s play a word association game…

Can: Christopher Lloyd as the hobo in Dennis the Menace
Truck: Black guys should not buy them
Shoe: Jenna Jameson (what?)
Shoe laces: Gang members surrounded me at the Bowling Alley with my Mormon ex
Phone: I despise AT&T
Candy: Jenna Jameso… scratch that, Rachael Roxxy
Obama: Is a name.
Diaper: Nelson, because a grown man in a diaper tickles me
Confetti: Cake, I’m hungry
Finish: C*mshot, I think we’re done here.

Must remember to buy toilet paper today, even MacGuyver runs out of ideas eventually.

Old fans of Frisky Dingo rejoice! If you watched (or DVR’d) It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night you probably saw the sneak peak at Archer. From the creator of Frisky Dingo and the exact same humor that only it’s fans could appreciate. Starts in January so now we have something to look forward to in the new year.

Okay, sorry there wasn’t more today, but soon I will have randomness to spew that would make a unicorn $H!T. See, just wasn’t the same, have a great safe weekend everyone.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Gloomy days


My entire body is racked with pain because of a football game I joined a bunch of old and new friends for on Saturday. To give a little insight, the first play began with a beautiful catch by yours truly. I should’ve prefaced that by saying that I wasn’t wearing cleats. That’s important because after this magnificent catch (yeah, I’m milking it because of what happened next) I came down and started my run. As soon as my back foot pivoted on the freshly cut field, I slipped. A massive man was already running straight at me but didn’t have time to adjust when I slipped. So he basically slammed my neck and face into the ground and that’s how I started the game. I’m fine with all of the physical punishment that came from the game but one thing I can’t stand is heat. There wasn’t a drop of shade out there. Not for me and not for an ant. On breaks I hid my head behind our cooler because from my hair to my chin I was cool. Then I slid an ice pack up and down my body trying to make porn of the sun. Broken, newly tanned and beaten I spent quality time with my family and spent the rest of the day moving very little.

I’ve been singing No Rain by Blind Melon to myself a lot lately. Thank God for these beautiful rainy days. I needed a pick me up.

September 19 there will be a free show in Bethesda, MD. I wish I could remember the name but I’m too lazy to Google it. I remember that it’s not White Flint Mall (I thought it was until the band corrected me) and I’ll be putting on a show with Sex & Missiles (the band). Cool guys, cool show and hopefully I’ll be cool too.

In the UK teachers are not allowed to drink during the school year. Sounds like a dream job doesn’t it? Right in between catching spat semen on a porn set and plucking the boogers from Nick Cannon’s fingertips. And I know he’s a picker, I knows it.

No matter how old you are you still enjoy watching children fight. As proven by the excitement everyone in my place gets by hearing children scream “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT” outside our apartment. Almost as giddy as the kiddies, a bunch of grown men throw themselves against the blinds and peek through hoping to see a good one. Don’t you judge me.

This weekend, for the first time in a long time, someone called me a monkey. Just felt that was worth noting because it tickled me. He said it online, so there is no story of an altercation or feces being thrown at his racist mouth. Because monkeys handles their problems with feces.

Bobimus Thomas was the smelliest child in his 3rd grade class. What the children of his class didn’t know was that Bobimus would intentionally urinate into his shoes in the afternoon just to wear them the next morning. Why? Because some people are just f*cked up.

Nelson’s friend Frank and I somehow got in the debate of who is better Chris Brown or Ne-Yo. By far the gayest debate I’ve ever been involved in, but what made it go on and on was that neither of us would concede. Counterpoint after counterpoint, and it all went back to the same thing. Chris Brown beat the $#!T out of a woman, and Ne-Yo is a gremlin. (I’m imagining what the cover art would look like for Year of the Gremlin, tee hee)

I brought a vile jug of Holy Water with me to work today. To smite the sinners and do the Lord’s good work. Plus, that’s the only way you can get away with flinging water in a co-worker’s face.

Been listening to The Blueprint 3, I think it serves as a great reminder for people that may have forgotten he is the greatest. My favorite song is A Star is Born but On To The Next One is a close second. I may just buy it on September 11th just to show support. We’ll see how much I’m listening to it by then, if I’m still just repeating it over and over it would only be right to pay up.

For my geeks out there rejoice! LOBO is being made by Warner Bros. and Guy Ritchie is directing it! w00t

On a more depressing note, Big Momma’s House 3 is being made. I thought I was disappointed in Martin Lawrence when I read about Bad Boys 3 last week. Sigh, WTF happened to my hero?

After watching Norm McDonald on the roast of Bob Saget I’m inspired. It was so awkward and painful yet hilarious to me how he could make everyone squirm and eventually laugh. I would love the occasion gut-busting howl, but weird has been my buddy since the first grade. And how could anyone not love Jim Norton’s comment “it was like watching Henry Fonda pick blue berries" I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I need to find that uncensored because there were so many great lines, I don’t know how I missed seeing this until last night. John Stamos gave Brian Posehn the best intro I have ever heard: “No flash photography as not to startle the creature… Brian Posehn.” Overall, I believe it may be my favorite roast.

That’s all for today, not in a particularly funny mood. Tomorrow is another day.

“Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.” – Unknown quote I found online

Peaces

About Me

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I blog during work to keep from sleeping. Unless people from my job are monitoring this, in which case "I love my job; I have a family". My dog Max is the man too. Other than that I think reading this blog gives a pretty good idea of what I'm about. Red Jell-o, need I say more.

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