Non-Sequiturs by Tyler Richardson

That's interesting, I thought Native Americans were extinct

2010-09-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have been slightly busier than normal but that is no excuse for the lack of blogging, if Erin Jackson can do it than who am I to neglect this “thing?” Let it begin…

Snoopy, from Peanuts, is a whore. He exchanges sexual favors for money. Maybe next time that he dives out of a moving automobile because things jumped up a notch above what he’s comfortable with he’ll think twice. I want my money back Snoop.

I have a cut on my arm and have no idea where it came from. I like to imagine that I’m a sleep-burglar. Now where did I put all that money?

I’m going to start referring to my “nethers” in the most disturbingly large and unattractive ways to see how far you have to go to disgust a woman. “No way you can handle me… have you ever swallowed a phone?” “Meet my only child!” “Say hello to Dr. Chubby D*ck.” “Doctors thought I had a Siamese twin that never fully developed which is why I name him Darrell, touch his face!” “My d*ck has feet.”

I have really taken to calling someone a "sandwich maker." For those unfamiliar with my tweets, that would be when someone infuriates you to the point you grab a fist full of ham and shove it right up their chute. They just helped you make a sandwich; a man sandwich. I couldn't imagine doing that to a woman, but that thought tickles me too. Sammiches!

I need some feety pajamas but I fear that I will totally stop buying clothes to wear outside of work. Once it becomes dingy I’ll look like a kid that was kicked out of his house as a toddler and just stayed homeless.

Are we all excited to see Machete?! I’m saddened that Lindsay Lohan’s “nude scene” has me grinning but I do love boobs. Alba, Rodriguez (Michelle), Lohan and some random woman playing her mother that also gets naked… I’ve never spanked it in public before but jaaam!

Apparently right after I left Brittany’s last night a fight broke out and someone pulled a knife then the cops got called. When I was told my response was “ugh, I hate cops.” If weed were legal I don’t think I’d feel this way. Who has to die to make this possible.

Weedly-related, I find it funny that when Phillip said his joke about having the heart conditions that make it impossible for him to drink or smoke, cigarettes or other, Mariya chimed in “Oooh!” We “frequent flyers” are a compassionate people, God bless you, one and all.

iTunes 10 will introduce yet another social networking tool, PING. Now everyone can know what Tyler S. is listening to. And everyone will know how much Norah Jones I really listen to. It WAS my dirty little obsession before today.

In Chicago on Monday a little girl said “Mommy, here comes a black man. Grab your purse.” I had my headphones in but definitely heard her and treated it as though I hadn’t. But once it got out of her mouth her mother shouted “Melinda!” as though she just pulled out a samurai sword and started waving it. It tickled me in hindsight but I was pretty blown away at the time.

I’m going to start shooting really random short videos for a YouTube account that doesn’t have my name attached. The first one, “You Got Served.”

“Oh boy, this whole room smells like a queef. It’s time to vacuum.”

I saw on Punchline Magazine that a man was telling a joke for $.50, or something like that, on the street and making as much as $17 an hour. I wish I thought of it, I’m so tired of working a day job. If only I weren’t too cheap to play the lottery I could be a millionaire.

“Dude you look pregnant, like really bloated but you’re glowing.”

I’m really considering getting some laxative (“Ass Drano”) and spending the weekend doing what I love. Wake, bake, toilet, nap, toilet, bake, toilet, food, bake, toilet…

Well, I must be going, I think I’m going to sleep on my keyboard for the next two hours. Enjoy, be safe and bang someone you want.

Peaces

"Jones!" Not Indiana, Koala.

2010-07-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

(We pick up with Koala Jones in the jungle)
Swinging from the vines he pauses, “Hmmm, wasn’t I supposed to be doing something?” He was supposed to be torturing a man he had been paid to kidnap last week. Mr. Timmly died three days before Jones even thought about that. What brought Koala Jones out to the Brazilian jungle? What else, but hot koala tail. The tribe of women that Koala Jones visits every year in July weren’t actually koalas. Despite the delicious looking women in the pornographic films you may have seen before, a lot of them are hairy legged beasts, for this Jones identifies them as koalas.

Back at the village, Jones is mid-conga line when a tiger (I don’t care if those can be found in the Brazilian jungle, Koala Jones is a bad ass) came out of the brush and stood right in front of the first conga koala. Jones dove into action before a single hair on those Brazilians’ tanned legs could be harmed. With him belt undone, yep you heard me, he jumped on the tiger’s back and rode that beast all the way into a cave. Once in the cave Jones realized this was the tiger’s home. She had brought him back to her cave for naughty things. Jones knew it because her paws were soaked to the bone. What’s a koala to do but wax that dirty, Brazilian, tiger meat ass?

In the morning Koala set out on foot with a Capri Sun drink and “after stink” that could keep a bear away. Happening upon a waterfall, Koala went for a dip, without his belt. He heard something coming, it was a group of homosexual men. Before Jones could get out someone had pulled off their clothes and hopped into the stream right on top of him. Nearly suffocating Jones under all that meat, Jones escaped and found his belt. As he walked away he heard a suggestion for “Who’s in my mouth?” He was glad he hadn’t seen or heard of that game before.

Back in NYC Koala Jones bought a pack of Starbursts. They just hit the spot.

It probably seems strange to some that Koala Jones wears a belt, but without it he would be unable to speak and inspire the world like he does. The belt once belonged to a Unicorn that happened upon Jones in the wild. The Unicorn told him that he tired of the ability to speak, because he was mythical and could never be seen by human eyes. Desperate to hear someone else speak, he gave the belt to Koala Jones. As soon as he gave the belt over, Jones attacked. Unicorn meat is believe by some to be the secret to eternal life. Jones felt nothing more than a full stomach and something that tasted like fried chicken. This would be the first kill for Jones, unfortunately it would not be his last run-in with a Unicorn, nor would they forget what he did to a fallen brother. Knowing that Unicorns are less likely to chase him in public he sought out the biggest population of people he could hide in. Koala Jones is terribly racist so China was out of the picture. But after finding a brochure for New York and seeing the level of woman offered out there he knew where he had to make his new home.

After watching the latest Robin Williams movie, Jones needed a rest, it was just so bad. Jones headed for the bedroom… a shadowy figure could be seen approaching his balcony. As Koala closed his door and prepared to sleep the night away, someone was standing on his balcony. Just as the door closed a Unicorn with fire red eyes pressed his face against the glass with an evil look.

To be continued…Peaces

Koala Jones, episode 1

2010-07-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

And now for the ongoing adventures of Koala Jones!

It was a Sunday, most weeks Jones spent Sundays basking on his patio snacking on Eucalyptus leaves, not today though. A phone call awoke him from his normal post-orgy sleep, he had to crawl through dirty women-strangers just to answer. “And who has me standing here buck naked at 11 AM talking on the phone?!” It was a distraught man going on and on about his missing father. The only thought that kept going through Jones’ mind was whether or not he used protection last night. He stared blankly at a mole on his palm wondering if it had always been there or if one of these women had given him something that needed urgent care. Suddenly, “So will you help me? Or do I need to call the police?” Without thought, or certainty of what had really been asked while he was distracted, Jones replied “You’ve have the wrong number, I’m not a detective.” The rest of the afternoon was spent planning his Monday… Jones’ had been paid to assassinate a CEO of an evil conglomerate.

Monday:
“I don’t want to pop this thing but if you don’t tell me the security code I’m afraid it has to go!” Koala Jones was extracting information from a security guard, he was a big man but one of his testicles was in a koala death grip. He gave Jones the information he was looking for, unfortunately that testicle still had to be removed. As Jones ran up a staircase desperate to pull of his mission on time he noticed a half eaten Snickers bar on the ground; he ate it. The CEO, Mr. Timmly, had security like the president of the United States of America. Koala Jones wasn’t much for hand to hand combat, that’s why his clients love him. In keeping with his reputation of being discrete Jones’ swallowed a lot of grenades, it’s hard to identify anything when you blow it to the Stone Age. The “pick up” went according to plan, now to hide his hostage until he received further demands from his client.

Tuesday (getting to know each other):
“I hope you like The Weather Girls, because no matter what the forecast, it’s always raining men.” These were the first words that Mr. Timmly heard while coming out of a dream. Looking around he couldn’t place if he was in a basement or if he was in an attic, either way it smelled heavily of ammonia. “What’s that smell? Where am I? What the f*** is that smell?!” Mr. Timmly asked. He was being hidden in Koala Jones’ poop room, the other rooms had sleeping women fresh off a Monday night orgy and they could not be disturbed. “I’m sorry I had to put you in my poop room, I had no where else to put you. Mayonnaise?” Though he declined the mayo, Mr. Timmly questioned why a Koala had kidnapped him and what he wanted. Jones replied “Well, it appears you’re an adulterer, your wife doesn’t think much of that. She is paying me a lot of money to send her pictures of you being tortured. So, I’m going to play this Weather girls song until you beg me to stop. Then, when I feel you’ve truly had enough, I’m going to put on the entire series of Friends and you’ll watch every episode.” Confused Mr. Timmly asked “And after that I can just go?” Koala Jones responded “No, then she wants a picture of you dead. Enjoy this song and enjoy the series.”

Wednesday:
Koala came into the room, he pooped, then he left. Mr. Timmly was still enjoying the song It’s raining men. Unrelated: Nothing good came on The Movie Channel that night, nothing good ever comes on The Movie Channel.

To be continued... with car crashes, laxative drinks and more sex than you can shake a stick at. Check back soon.

Peaces

I can't diagnose that, because I'm not a doctor.

2010-07-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

Two thugs in an alleyway:
#1: Step, Step, pivot, smile, dip… no! How many times are you gonna flex right there when you know it’s dip?!
#2: Sorry, I don’t even know where my head is at.
#1: Maybe the King and I isn’t something you care about anymore. Maybe you’d rather not turn a classic into an all black rock opera that takes us outta the ghetto and away from this life.
#2: You that ain’t true, I just had to bury another homeboy that got caught up in the mix yesterday. Damn this penis!
#1: It wasn’t your dick’s fault that Jerry tried to get a taste and turned to drugs when you denied him. It was wrong, he was family… and you ain’t gay. Now c’mon, from the downbeat…
#2: (sniff) Let’s roll!

I’ve begun planting money in hopes that a money tree will form. If I’m gonna move I will need at least $72 dollars. C’mon money tree.

“No, no more Ziti for me, it’s Ramadan.”

Let us take a moment of silence for the first man to slap a woman’s ass and mean it as a compliment. Respect must also be given to the first freak (in a good way) to take the compliment and sleep with said man. Respect

“Excuse me Miss, but how many times am I going to have to make quips about the day before you ask me my name? I want some Tang and I thought I was being a gentleman about this; but you gon make me go the other way. So, Spain won the World Cup huh?”

Sex is a crafty distraction put in front of us by the Plutonians. Do they know they succeeded? Good question, I prefer to think they didn’t plan how long it would take to get here correctly.

I want Chipotle so bad I’m doing the pee pee dance. Wait… no, apparently I had to urinate. Damn, why do I always guess wrong?

I’ve been listening to Mariya Alexander’s podcast since Friday, I’m addicted. Don’t know why I jumped on the bus so far after everyone else, but me likey. I would like to go on with Jack of All Trades and hear his side of the story. “What story?” Pick one, I guarantee there are plenty of stories in his past worth our time.

Bad grammar makes me grip the hilt of my sword. I’m just old fashioned that’s all.

Harry Belafonte (pictured above, looking just as sensual as always) is the constant in every conga line in the 21st century. Bless him…

“Lotion…” Huh? “Lotion is what someone with ashy hands like your needs most.” Oh, actually I’m just here for stamps, does the post office sell lotion? “Nope, I just didn’t want you to shake someone unsuspecting person’s hand and cut anybody. Stamps are $5.00.”

Looking back, I cabbage patch while getting ready to go anywhere, far too often. I’m totally abusing the running man.

M’kay, I’m off to stare at my soda bottle until it’s lunch time. Hooray!

Peaces

Is that fried chicken I smell cooking? (no) Oh.

2010-06-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

Local news: I need a haircut, currently I appear to auditioning for the role of Slave #2.

I’m way too excited to meet John Witherspoon, I don’t want to come off as a d*ck rider, but tattooing “Bang Bang Bang” on my neck isn’t too much right? C’mon August…

I have my precious iPhone 4 now, to all those who are without I feel your pain. Not really, last night I made love to it and then we feel asleep in our mess. I work hard, I play hard (begins dancing to Teach Me How to Dougie).

Hopefully everyone caught the great Louis C.K.’s new show LOUIE on FX last night. If you missed it, you are not loved. You have my sympathy; catch a repeat and a whole basket of God’s love.

July 13th feels like it’s an ocean away but soon Curren$y "Spitta" will grace us with his new album and tiny angels will come down and kiss the faces of those who purchase it. Every time that you put the album on repeat the angel will return to whisper something in your ear that is pleasant to hear. “You are very attractive and your breath smells like delicious Fruit by the Foot.”

I’m trying to work on a joke about Pachyderms, I could say elephant but that term has always made me laugh. Plus, it makes me think of Babar.

National news: Chris Brown didn’t want to be known for beating women so instead he will be referred as a b*tch. That is all.

I hate being a victim of a stereotype but guess which soda I’m drinking: A) Orange B) Grape C) Sprite? See below for the answer…

I’m infatuated with “Yo Momma” jokes right now. I make them to myself and try to lock them away for the moment that an opportunity presents itself. Example: “I have to pick up some more Mr. Bubbles.” Why? “Because your mother was over last night and used the whole bottle. She really loves that stuff.” Zing!

Two wrongs don’t make a right… Hey! You, little kid! Get away from my car before I take a sh!t on your skateboard and make you eat it! Sorry; where was I?

I was in NY on Sunday and Monday, when I arrived it was right in the middle of gay pride festivities. I have never been exposed to that much gay in my entire life. It looked like the most fun a gay person could have, I feel like calling it “a gay person’s Mardi Gras” isn’t doing it justice. And the beautiful women, my God! Something still seems off-putting about watching two gigantic, ripped, brick-sh!t house men giving piggy backs across the street but hey, what can you do? I also got to chill and joke with the Fowlest for awhile, I miss him being around but perhaps I’ll do what all DC people do and move. Perhaps…

Anyone not watching the Boondocks this season is only hurting themselves. “I like you, and I wants you.” They’ll catch up eventually.

Well, I must go and feed the creature I keep chained down on floor zero. If he doesn’t get his mashed up taters he starts morphing into something horrible.

Peaces

Do I have to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?

2010-06-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote a blog a few days ago but it met a tragic, programmer, error. While I was wrapping it up, a programmer needed to work at my desk for a minute and with the document out and my supervisor standing over him staring at it he asked “Do you want to save this?” I said “No, just delete it please.” Since it was a couple of pages long he asked again, while she tries to speed read, and I urged him to just do it. I had gold on there, now we’ll never know…

“Frown…frown harder…harder! Do you want me to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?!”

Today’s word of the day is marmalade, when used it cannot be talking about the condiment. Example: “I don’t care how get in done, marmalade that ass right up the ladder and get that boomerang you begged me to buy you. Before I lose patience with you.”

Things I hope I don’t have to answer for in the afterlife:
-Laughing repeatedly at my co-worker’s “challenged” daughter
-Not voting in the presidential election when Kerry lost to Bush
-My fetish for grapes (what does that mean?)
-Fantasies as a slave owner, white slaves
-Daydreams where I gain a superpower and become a villain instantly
-Mary Jane

My friend Jessie and I were joking about someone with a ridiculously big “junk” that trailed behind them like some horrible snake. “Hey, you know your d*ck is up here at the top of the stairs?” Sorry, (tug, tug, tug) is it gone now? “Yeah, thanks, I just don’t like when it stairs at me while I’m eating. I feel like I should feed it or something.

When did the Black Eyed Peas become the Beatles? They’re huge!

The FedEx tracking number for my iPhone 4 is 431939755515. Feel free to keep your eyes open for it.

A comedy trip with some friends this weekend, can’t wait. Everything tends to get silly when a bunch of silly people go somewhere different. Then things stop getting silly, and start getting REAL. The Real World: New York Again Part 4

Am I going to be a 70-year-old man waiting on A Tribe Called Quest to come back?

I ate fried chicken from Popeye’s today, but I ate it so fast there was no time to take a picture to go up top. So I went with Snuffy.

Alright, I’m out, but I will have many good things to talk about when next back at the helm.

Peaces

Put on a shirt?! I'm a war hero, you're welcome!

2010-06-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Only one story on my plate worth sharing today, the large group of handicapped people that came into the Comedy Spot last night right in time for Hot Broth. These people were obviously physically and mentally handicapped and some comics even tried being nice and asking if they were lost. I assume half of the question is trying to be helpful and the other half just wants a bad situation to be removed. Sadly, there was no improv show, just rehearsal so they were there for the open mic. Let the games begin!

Ahmed began the show as host and went up and ignored the elephant in the room pretty well. It couldn’t have taken more than three seconds into his first words before one of them made a noise. This noise would be best described as what Carlos Mencia is trying to imitate when you lets loose his battle cry. I’m not proud to say it, but this is where I began to lose it. I had the perfect seat for looking into Ahmed’s soul and whether he was just trying to look straight ahead or looking right at me, it was hilarious the look he wore while trying to ignore the obvious. I looked around in my fit of inward-giggling and noticed that no one else was really laughing for anything. I was a ball of silly, and whoever the creepy guy next to me with rape face was, knew it. I was looking to the ground with tears in my eyes when one jumped up.

The woman needed to use the restroom, and the guardian person did not want her to at that time. They fought about it in front of Ahmed for several seconds. Then finally the guardian grabs the woman’s arm and got the woman to sit, for about five seconds, then she popped back up and went hauling a$$ for the door. The guardian chased and they left the others to enjoy another 5 minutes, at most, of comedy. Ahmed finished up and brought on Eli, after asking if anyone had sex (a lot of replies were yes) a woman made the “noise” again. People laughed a little harder and Eli said “grow up guys” then all of the handicapped guests stood up and hauled a$$. It was weird, but I’m glad I didn’t have to try and perform with something that uncomfortable going on. I know I would’ve laughed so Ahmed, kudos to you. I liken it try to stay on topic while a guy in the front row slowly and methodically reached out for your junk. The urge to slap his fingers would be too strong, and I’d probably laugh at his horrible attempt to unass some of that shoot (slang for going for the hog).

When I told Nelson about it last night we had a laugh that generally only comes from XTREME tickling.

Curren$y’s Pilot Talk comes out on June 22nd! Jets fool…

Peaces

Who said money makes you classy?

2010-06-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

For those who came to preview the State Theatre show on Saturday, feast up.

And here we are in the phase again, ah, I wish I was home nursing a bottle of Miller Lite watching Red Dead Redemption remind me how far video games have come. Sigh, maybe Saturday morning…

Next Saturday, June 12th come see Ahmed, Courtney Fearrington, Jessie Thomas, Andy Kline and TRich at the State Theatre in Falls Church! We’ll be making fun happen from 9-11 PM and ticket prices will come shortly. Jaaaam!

I understand why I have some Shakira music, that is completely in Spanish, on my iPod. But why on earth do I keep coming across Spanish people I’ve never heard of before on shuffle? Who are these Spanishes and how did they find me.

Go to Google’s homepage, then search “Google won’t” and click I’m feeling lucky. Trust me…

Chicago, don’t you hide from me, I’m coming! Not til August though. Sigh.

To hell with the chili in my car that I brought for lunch, Daddy needs his Chipotle fix and I’m gonna get it gosh darnit.

A woman at work is dressed inappropriately no matter what she is wearing, we call that blessed.

I should really go get that chili from my car, otherwise I fear it will get so hot outside that the chili will cook itself in the plastic container on my floor. And then there will be chili stink in my car; unacceptable.

I took my mother to see Sex and The City 2 on Monday, apparently it was the national day for black women to see that movie. I have not seen a movie in theaters with my mother since I was a child, once I was old enough to see stuff on my own that’s exactly what I did. She was talking to me loudly throughout the movie, and so was every other black woman in the theater. I had to do something, Samantha (Charlotte and Miranda, no love for Carrie) deserved our silence and since I paid for us to see it I wasn’t about to miss the girls for conversation that I didn’t pay to hear. I yelled “Mom, if you don’t stop talking to me like we’re in your living room I’m going to get upset.” I think all of the other women got the point because I was able to focus on the movie after that. You just can’t take some people anywhere, and yeah, I love my mommy.

This was a quicker blog, but I’ll try to do this tomorrow.

Peaces

"Where you been?" I had hemorrhoids. "Oh."

2010-05-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have been off doing I don’t know what for far too long. Where is the random non-sense that keeps two people on the edge of their seats and allows for elves to tuck their children in at night? We have much to go over, let it begin.

I’m older now, 27, so I’ve taken up going to check the mail with nothing but boxers on. The mailbox is quite a walk so I like to consider it a really long, boxer laden, Soul Train line. Except I don’t dance, I won’t do that.

June 3-5th I’ll be in Baltimore at the Comedy Factory opening for John Henton, you may know him as Overton from Living Single. I’m really excited for this; I’m hoping he’ll be down for posing with Chipotle burritos like we’re black secret agents on a burrito mission. I’ll settle for casual conversation though, let the games begin!

The DC 101 Chili Cook-off was out of control awesome. Let’s go over some things that happened on Saturday for those that chose not to rock out and eat like a gluttonous king: Half naked white women were everywhere, most of the men with them were wearing less than they were. There was so much chili I felt like Homer in Chocolate Land, I was so happy walking from place to place eating for freezies and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, all of those little samples eventually made for a very full stomach. I’ll save a lot of details and say that I walked slowly to a port o’ potty and DESTROYED that thing. I was so ashamed, but I was definitely not going to sit down, no sir. There was Mary Jane everywhere and those it took Nelson (and *cough*) sometime to get into the mix of the hippie lifestyle, soon enough everything was in the sky. Nelson crowd surfed, I wish I could’ve brought myself to do that but I saw way too many people get flung into the mosh pit. Crowd surfing girls were groped (not by me) and then there was the naked old lady. A circle formed so this young lady could strip, cool, but then this old woman came out of nowhere and crashed that $#!T. She started with her top, unacceptable but not THAT bad in hindsight. Then as soon as I told myself “that’s enough” she peeled everything off and danced naked as a jaybird in that circle for the next five minutes. Stone Temple Pilots rocked! Switchfoot rocked! Cage the elephant rocked! I wish we could do it all over again, mostly because it would be Saturday all over again but I’ll wait a few more days.

I’ve gotten my chipped tooth fixed and though I’m slowly getting used to a normal-ish mouth, I kept clanking my teeth together the first day or two. It made eating a true struggle; can anyone guess what the first thing I was able to eat successfully was? Fried Chicken on Sunday, yep, it’s fate.

I’ve been carrying around this picture of a handicapped kid that been making me laugh, normally I would feel bad about that but she is hilarious. And I never grow tired of people reactions when they get confirmation that the little girl in my picture album is in fact handicapped. Ah, the best things in life are free. I would put her up here, but that would be tasteless.

Springtime means people are hooking up like jackrabbits. Normally I would be bitter, but I’m happily in my own little relationship, so I’m right there with the birds.

Dear John Legend: What the hell are you waiting for, I need new mood music and I’ve played Trey Songz new album so much I hear “Yuuuup” in my nightmares. Sincerely, Bill Clinton

I can’t wait to try this new pro-slavery joke I thought of last night. In 2 of 3 attempts in my mind, I see a bottle getting hurled at my face. But that magical third reaction of laughter is the one I’m hoping is realized. I just have to wear white face while I tell it.

Praise be to the wolf! It’s been awhile since he was given his due so I had to backtrack for a second. Moving on…

Is it weird to find a wedgie sexy? Of course not, nah.

I wish genies were real so I could make wishes. Oh, you’re curious? Well, if I only get three: 1) A Chipotle bag that will always have food in it when I’m hungry. 2) A dragon that loves me and will always obey my every command. 3) The ability to grow the world’s most magnificent facial hair.

You’ll notice that I didn’t ask for millions, with a dragon at my disposal the money will never be a problem. “Give me all the money in your safe! You’re about to get torched back to the Stone Age by my dragon Sean Connery (wuh? I liked Dragonheart) if I don’t see all the gold! Hahahahahaha!”

WWDC is so close now I can hardly wipe my own bottom, new iPhone and OS 4!

Okay, I’m out for a little bit, but I’m going to attempt to do this a little more often. Jaaam!

LOST series finale > 24 series finale, both will be missed sorely. Monday and Tuesday have lost their purpose…

Peaces

Maple leaves smell a lot like cannibusSo, it’s been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the

2010-05-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

Koala bears aren't in Canada, but he makes laugh so I wanted you to see it. It's been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the happenings. Ahem:

- I had to leave my favorite cologne at security in Reagan Nat’l Airport because I’m retarded and didn’t remember liquids are essentially a bomb. My mistake.
- Along with my deodorant and cologne the d’bag security guy also took both copies of my letter
stating my purpose in Canada. I worried but I’d have bigger problems trying to enter Canada than
that.
- Canada is pretty strick on letting criminals into their country. I didn’t consider myself a
criminal until they reminded me that I stole something from Circuit City when I was 19 and though it was wiped from my record (it was a video game, yep) it was still theft. My possession (also removed from my record) was of no concern. I had to pay $200 for a rehab permission slip that allowed me in,
or I had to hop back on a plane to the states.
- My hotel was way better than I expected, I was prepared for slum and got a nice Hilton, who
knew?
- I have never been offered a “smoke” so many times in my life! It was awesome how they think
nothing of something that is still not that accepted here, those people don’t even put cologne on after hot boxing. That was the hardest thing about leaving, and the comedy.
- Hot women were everywhere. What? I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
- I cleaned up in Blackjack, which was awesome since I lost a lot of money very quickly in
Roulette.
- Any Asian that goes missing here should probably have a search party in Canada, they’re
everywhere.
- While being driven to the second hotel I had to check into our driver got pulled over.
She found out, just like we did, that the car she was given to drive us in was not registered. It hadn’t been for five years, and she had an outstanding warrant. Luckily, unlike the other two comics in the car I
wasn’t heading to the airport and had nothing but time. We ended up standing on the side of the road for a minute waiting for someone else to come pick us up.
- I was unaware so many people were eating Bison meat. I’m not that much of animal
sympathizer but Bison is definitely on that list of animals I won’t eat. Not when there are fruit roll ups or cows still walking the earth.
- There was a blizzard one day, I enjoyed that thoroughly.
- I drank a Red Bull the size of a thigh on Sunday night.
- There were no Chipotle’s…

Well, with that let us continue with our weekend (perhaps see Iron Man 2) and we'll start brand new and fresh on Monday.

That is not how you spell Niger! You know this.

2010-04-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

A husband in denial: “Damnit Susan, your mouth tastes distinctly like a condom. You’ve been gone all afternoon and I want to know where you were? Whole Foods?”

So, I’ve been drawing pictures of animals with genitals that are way too big lately. I know, Superbad was a long time ago but some stuff just is just funny. The problem with this type of behavior is that now I have friends requesting pictures. What do you say when you’ve supplied plenty of d*ck and the people want more? Tell them I’m not in the mood? Nope, I’m gonna buckle down and think of a cute woodland creature; then I’m gonna put a huge grown man d*ck on it.

I’m as giddy as a school man (I’m not a girl) about leaving the country. Not since I was a young boy leaving Germany (true story) have I been outside of the United States. I really need to travel some more, the next stop is Amsterdam. I need to find a new best friend the second I get there so I don’t have to be lonely and I have someone for foreign shenanigans. But Saturday seems like forever away so I’ll stay mentally here for the next few days.

I smell S’mores, but since I seriously doubt that I could walk around and find someone on the fifth floor in front of a fire holding a stick, I think it’s probably ethnic food. Gross.

Quote of the week (thus far): “That girl is so fine I’d like to walk over to her and just start singing an LL Cool J song. Hey luva, this is more than a crush…” – Nelson Sayson

When 24 actually ends, will they just have Jack Bauer blowtorch every bad person responsible for evil doing anywhere? He should be stopping people who are potentially evil from getting it on, since he won’t be here to kill their dictator of a child in 35 years. We’ll miss you Jack Bauer, I already do and you’re still here. Sigh…

Stephen Hawking has stated what I’ve always believed, aliens more than likely won’t be friendly. I’ve been up many a homeless person that told me they were aliens. Did I believe them? No, but just in case an alien was somewhat close by I wanted him to know to wear a cup.

Datpiff.com is the place where I’ve been getting all of my Curren$y mixtapes, I’m disappointed in myself for not listening to Hot Spitta earlier. If you like Lil Wayne’s work ethic, know that Curren$y put out 7 mixtapes in the last year and half, that’s free GOOD music. Please support real music.

Wedgie… got it.

I just ate some bacon that tasted like it was made from Kilwalksi the muscle pig. It was tough and had a jawline. I think I feel it flexing it’s way down my throat now, uh oh, sleeper hold!

Great, now I have Hey Lover by LL Cool J featuring Boyz II Men in my head.

The adventures of random dude:
“I’ve never committed a crime, except for the time that guy was trying show off in front of his girlfriend and I stabbed him for stepping to me wrong. Other than that day; nothing.”

Skidamerinky dinky dink, skida f*ck that song. I never liked the Elephant Show.

I must go now, there are wrongs to right and sodas to sip on.

Peaces

Holy $#IT, check out the package on that bear!

2010-04-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

And here we are with what is sure to be a rainy Wednesday’s highlight: The story of Mabel, the big d*cked bear. And now, cue the theme music!

“There once was a sorcerer that got bored, so he decided to play
He found a bear that was full of joy and decided to make him great
He gave him genitals 50 times larger than were necessary
It’s impossible for him to mate
But don’t you cry, he’s got to much pride
To let that ruin his day
He’s Mabel, the bear with a really big d*ck
He never swears, he’s got hugs to spare
Cause with a d*ck this big who wouldn’t share”

Some have speculated that if you wander into the forest with a jar of marmalade that is aged just right, you’ll be in for a surprise. While there is no documented proof of Mabel, there have been many reports made to the Shingle Police Station of a bear with genitals the size of a dinosaur’s in the local park. Local police chief Johnson said “From what we hear, they are prank sized genitals, so large that people assume a friend is hiding behind a tree pumping this thing up with a bike pump or something. Hell most folks say he’s harmless, just stands there and lets you soak it all in. Most of em’ laugh stupid til he wanders away or run screaming from the thing. You should’ve seen this nun that wandered across it; white as a ghost when I found her. Only words she kept saying was BIG and Tali whacker; over and over again.”

It is believed that Mabel, the big d*cked bear, survives not on ordinary bear food supplies but picnic baskets. Wait… that’s Yogi, sorry one of the pictures sketched for Mabel has him dressed like Yogi the Bear with his “tali whacker” sitting in the potato salad. It’s really disturbing, and pretty funny. Anyway, Mabel does have a sweet tooth. This family says that he walked up, in broad daylight, and ate every snack they had in their camper. “Yeah, at first we were terrified, you know? A bear is right there in front of us and breathing real hard. I put myself in between the bear and my family so he could eat me and fill, that way he might only eat my wife and leave the children to tell the tale; he just walked right past me. First he killed off every Airhead that we had. Even the watermelon flavored disgusting ones got gobbled up. The whole time we’re watching him pilfer, I can’t help but notice that my daughter is gargoyle staring at the tree trunk this thing is dragging around with it. I was like someone just opened the arc of the covenant. Her eyebrows still have a lightning streak of white running through them. And, between you and I… it was beautiful.”

We only wish that we had the opportunity to catch this myth on tape. Hopefully Mabel is out there raising big d*ck little cubs, but we’re unsure of what kind of female bear it would take to mate with Mabel. Scientists claim that with his mythical shaft it would take a female bear 70 feet long to complete the mating ritual. I, for one, hope that she died quickly after what was surely a horrific scene that would make the Care Bears puke. Well folks, if you’re ever wandering through the forest without shoes on, and maybe you remembered you didn’t take that large jar of marmalade out of your backpack; or maybe you’re just eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Please try and get a picture of our friend Mabel, let him know that we respect his genitals and would love to put them in a museum someday… him too.

Peaces

This office doesn't have a 4:20 policy Mr. Richardson!

2010-04-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well here we are again, bloggin it up and making this holiday the very best 420 it can be. Hopefully everyone will get off that tush and come to Solly’s to celebrate this thing right… with a Miller Lite (wink).

I’m very excited to be headed to FunnyFest next Friday, I’m going to take WAAAY more pictures than I did in Nebraska. I don’t care if the only people over there are 70 year old hippies offering some peace-pipe-age. I’m also very excited to worry about nothing but performing for a week or so.

For the show featuring Josh Scott, Tim Miller and Courtney Fearrington; I just learned that I am allowed to wrestle with a bear even though I have no previous fight experience. Friday May 14th at Fort Belvoir, time is a mystery but I’m sure I’ll have it soon. It’s gonna be crazy!

I’ve been thinking that I may be able to get onto a Shackleford show with a disguise, like a 1930’s mustache. I’ll follow up once I’ve done the field work. I’m kidding, that’s a waste of my guess, he’ll know its me.

I sent an inappropriate picture of a bear with a big wenis to all of my friends. Immaturity only exists if you believe you have something beneath you. I am not bound by this electrical tape called pride.

I saw Kick Ass and guess what… I’m not going to say it. Just go see this movie.

Beans are not a magical fruit. They make dates very uncomfortable; or so I hear.

Alright, I hope to see everyone around and can't wait til tomorrow when I write a real blog. Jaaam!

Peaces

I'm telling you, Starburst don't have a poop flavor; you should stop eating that.

2010-04-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

I’m as hard as a brick, I kid, I just wanted to get your attention. Now that I have it let’s jump into this pool of random shall we? Ah ah, take off those band-aids. If one of the children get hold of those they’ll try to eat scabbing out of the gauzy part. Now then…

Rick Ross haunts my nightmares like Freddy Krueger, the only difference is that Rick Ross isn’t there to kill me. Generally he just stumbles around my dreams looking for a woman named cheeseburger. I hope he finds her so he can get the hell out of there and I can get back to my dreams of world domination. Maybe I should go to sleep with a cheeseburger clenched in between my thighs and I’ll take it with me to my dream world. Yeah!

I’m seeing someone right now that makes me very happy, the ultimate test for me of how much we have in common will be when she is forced to watch one of the adult cartoons I hold dearest. If she laughs at Frisky Dingo then I might have to make her a sammich right then… and I don’t make anyone sammiches.

Everyone is coughing and hacking like they’ve caught the bubonic plague. All I have to defend against them is a bottle of Instant Hand Sanitizer. If this were a video game I would charge someone when they coughed and squirt this crap down their throat. They would fizzle and turn into coins and I would collect them until I got to the castle where my princess is being held captive. Instead I’m sitting here reapplying more and more every time I hear a scary whooping cough. Good times…

I saw Brandon Warbell stab a homeless man that asked him for change on Saturday night. Don’t let that get back to him, I’d prefer to live through 2010. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face, he keeps a butterfly knife in his pocket, I’ve seen it.

Every Friday should end with Sean Paul Ellis and his lovely wife Kim. They’re so happy I swear they can’t be real… come to think of it I’ve never seen either one of them in front of a mirror. Dracula!

It’s a Chipotle day! (also known as a weekday) I’m going to send Ahmed a picture with me eating it that way if he’s eating a stalk of celery or something he can sigh and know I’m having a blast. Yaaaam!

Kanye West, what the hell happened to you? Please just make a true follow up to Late Registration. We miss you

I had a blast at the Velvet Lounge on Friday! Eli was incredible (someone choked to death during his set, Andy was phenomenal (the fans just grabbed him and forced him to crowd surf) then Seaton came and set the place on fire (literally, I’m pretty sure the police are looking for him). It was awesome and I was thrilled to have been there to check IDs with the bouncer.

Peaces

Hello Thursday, you didn't come home last night. I waited...

2010-04-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

Merry Thursday everyone! Last night at Soundry’s was fun, I got to eye hump some picture of a bubble butted woman. Jaaam!

The joke writing machine continues, I have never written so many in such little time… I feel like every other comic now! I wish I had thought of something new tonight but perhaps it will come to me between now and 7 O’ Clock. Something to do with hyena meat, the clock is ticking.

The iPhone will finally be able to multi-task. Uh oh, the floor beneath me is coming apart, AH! OMG:
TRich: Who is that? What’s going on?
Dark figure: I’m here to claim what is rightfully mine.
T: What does that have to do with me? OH NO, are you…
Both: Satan!
S: Come with me, you begged for multi-tasking and whined like every other Apple fan boy. Well you have what you crave, now I want your soul.
T: What happened to my wish for a million dollars when I was eight years old?
S: I can’t grant every wish that is thrown out into the universe.
T: Well a lot of other people asked for the same thing. Why aren’t you coming for them?
S: Because someone has to be made into an example!
T: What about Nelson or Sean Paul Ellis? They would both use this ability a lot more and probably wanted it a lot more.
S: Hmm… well, I guess; NO! I won’t be swayed or bargained with. Now get in the sack!
T: You don’t have a car or an elevator? Jesus.
Jesus: Yes my son.
T: Look, I may have exaggerated and sold my soul for Apple to allow the iPhone to have multi-tasking. But you know me, I go overboard quite a bit.
J: You will always be my child, and when your times comes to leave this planet you will come with me not him.
S: FINE! Hey kid, give me those guy’s addresses you mentioned before.
T: Gotta pen?
S: No, I was hoping you did.
T: Then f*** off. Hey Jesus, can I have a peek at Heaven?
J: Sure, hop in the sack.
T: I guess no one has a car or an elevator…
J: You can wait for your look at Heaven, maybe when you get here you won’t be such a smug jerk.
T: That wasn’t very nice.
J: Sorry, I missed LOST the other night and I’ve been taking it out on everyone.
T: Me too, no worries J man, we’ll both see it eventually.
J: Peaces TRich.
T: Peaces Jesus. Hey Satan…
S: Yeah.
T: F*** off, what are you still doing here?
S: I really hate you.
T: Back at ya Satan, back at ya.

I had way too big a grin writing that, thank goodness no one at work peeked over my shoulder to see. How could they treat me like a normal individual after finding out how truly strange I am? But the trick is to embrace it, never run from it.

I’m leaving work now so I’ll see whoever is out at Hot Broth tonight and tomorrow at 3 Chord Comedy at 7 PM! Just do it!

Peaces

"Dis is a good ass SAMMICH!"

2010-04-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t heard, 3 Chord Comedy will be on Friday at the Velvet Lounge at 7 PM! Who’s performing you ask? Welp, there’s Eli Sairs (who’s known to rock a microphone), Andy Kline (I’ve never seen him smack a woman, making him the nicest pimp ever) and Seaton Smith (who’s in the Staff Pick’s on Rooftop Comedy right now, thanks Twitter). Someone in there I also fit, I just wasn’t sure where but I’m looking forward to the whole shibangy-bang.

I’ve really had fun with the word “sammich” today. It’s just the really ignant (ignorant) way to say sandwich but I feel like it gets a bad and pitiful look as soon as it comes out of your mouth. I gave the same look to a co-worker when I heard “That’s an extra fiddy cent.” I was so disappointed in her, she knows better.

Hold me now, I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking… yeah, I listen to Creed. You gotta a problem with that? Hold me now…

Don’t you just love when a stereotype comes to life? (He takes a big bite of watermelon)

I look forward to seeing whoever is at Soundry tonight, Solly’s was a blast last night. But then again, anytime you get to see Ahmed dance it’s a good night. He’s a day older today, don’t let him forget it. Birthday licks… (applies his chapstick)

I have to cut my nails, I have a Freddy Kruegger thing going on right now. This afternoon I slipped into someone’s dream and forced them to watch Season 1 of Mind of Mencia until they jumped off a building. And now I’m off to buy Season 2, someone must pay…

I’ve been a twittering fool lately, I really need to work. To think I was so against it for a long time.

Well, since I’m all caught up with my work I’ll be able to write a good nonsensical story for tomorrow. For now…

Peaces

Whoa Friday, I said I'm your friend... not boy toy.

2010-04-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

3 Chord Comedy, April 9th at 7! Eli Sairs, Me, Seaton Smith and maybe there will be punch and pie. For $4, it’s gonna be $9 funny, just c’mon!

I had a blast Wednesday night in the Hoff theater at UMD with Justin Cousson and Reggie Watts. It sucked that I had to leave early but I caught enough to hold my sides for awhile. It was a good a Wednesday as I could’ve hoped for, and I got a tape that shows a bunch of students booing me before I even walked onstage. All in good fun though, I loved it, plus they cheered at the end.

I’m excited about the chili cookoff, should be fun and I’ve always wanted to go but never got off my butt to buy a ticket. I did attempt to go last year but the tickets sold out before I tried to buy mine. But not this year, and anyone that wants to come please reach out, the more the merrier.

Yesterday I ate a Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich I got on Monday. I’m waiting for it to really kick in, but I know it’s going to make my day a nightmare. Pray for me…

Damn you Justin Timberlake, why is any song you’re on so addictive. No homo…

I saw a really funny guy from NY with a majestic beard at Solly’s on Saturday. His jokes stayed with me for a day or two but his beard haunts my dreams. I wish he would come back.

I went ice skating at an arena that was jam packed full of Asians last night. It was interesting and there were many comical falls, including by my partner who Superman’d the ice several times. One time I attempted to turn around but had too much momentum for a novice like myself and just kept going saying “OOOOOH!” while I had one leg in the air sailing along. Good times.

I really enjoy being back out, I’ve missed it all and everyone. Enough sap, I need to write two more jokes by Monday.

I have to step into a meeting to sleep publicly, but I’ll be seeing everyone around. Enjoy the weekend!

Peaces

Hmm, someone dropped frosty... nope, not frosting.

2010-03-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are at the beginning of another week. We made it… where is Johnny? Dammit, he’s supposed to bring snacks for the vegetarians at the party next week! Why Lord, take Pete instead Lord, take Pete instead! Pete… could you give me some space for a minute? You’re smothering me man.

Something that keeps running through my mind is the sword happy mouse from Alice in Wonderland. He never hesitated to pull his sword even if someone just wanted to know what time it was. And, he stabbed quite a few people in that movie.

Most valuable lesson I learned this weekend? When someone is hurling a television, you want to catch it.

I’m just about done moving and I feel like I was fighting off a prisoner’s advances all weekend. I have got to get in the gym.

I’m getting excited about a show on Wednesday, pictures to come…

I got my passport in the mail on Saturday and now I have all of the pieces for my journey to Funnyfest in May. Tickets, check, passport, check, ass less chaps… double cheek check. Ugh!

Whenever a Redman song comes on my phone on shuffle, I want to start stomping around my floor and “woof”-ing at people. His music takes me back to a simpler time, a time without condoms or crime. That’s right; the 90’s.

I keep wanting to yell at people like a wizard. “You have been banished!” “Valhalla!” “Head due west until the sun touches the canyon!”

The new stuff that I was dying to tell last week has grown hands and feet. I don’t really know what that is supposed to mean but people laughed. I don’t know what a joke with hands and feet would look like but I picture it kicking someone’s door in and strangling them for no reason whatsoever. Because jokes kill, believe dat.

When you have a classy woman in the car and you’re faced with the choice of Lil Wayne or Frank Sinatra; I’ve found Sinatra is a better choice. I found that out with trial and error of course, nothing was said but the awkwardness was pretty tangible. Lessons for the future…

I saw Eli Sairs pick up a dying puppy and punt it towards a trash can, which he missed by the way. The dog was going to die, that’s not the issue, the issue is that Eli Sairs is a litterbug.

I bought a MX vs. ATV game yesterday on a whim because the cable guy wouldn’t make it to my new house until today. I think I need to practice will power because I played it for an hour before putting Tiger Woods 10 back into the XBOX.

And yeah, I ate at Chipotle again yesterday. Love knows no bounds, it only knows textures. Our love is like touching a Rice Krispy Treat, slightly sticky but delicious.

Is it inappropriate to tell someone at work that you feel they’re abandoning breast feeding too early? Yeah… I should keep my mouth shut.

Peaces

Whoomp, there... who stole my crabapples?!

2010-03-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Good day and Spamoni (Spam and Beefaroni, yep, it’s a greeting) to you all! Let’s get down to nothing, shall we?

I wrote three or four new jokes I’m so excited to tell it’s like a kid bottled a fart and would share it with anyone just to see how they react. We’ll see how they do later at Recessions.

LOST was so incredible last night I think I’ll watch that episode again when I get home. Who would’ve thought the island would be the cork keeping us from the Devil?! I love it!

Chris Evans is Captain America, most of us know him as the Human Torch from Fantastic Four. Why we know that I have no idea, no one really saw or like those movies but Jessica Alba tricked us into watching half of it… okay, the whole thing.

I would never be arrogant enough to assume that a person reading this, read my tweets so I’ll break down something I saw yesterday. I was in the bathroom and someone was dropping the deucer, I then saw their feet move like they got up and were turned around pissing. It was odd that they did that in that order but then I saw slight movement. After they had been standing there for the better part of a minute or so (now I was washing my hands but I was curious) I wandered if they were spanking the shank. I settled on the thought that they were milking the snake and judged them appropriately. Then as I’m getting ready to leave their identification badge flipped over and I saw the face of “the jacker.” Not only did I recognize him but now I’ll never be able to speak to him again. I do care to find out what really happened because I have my story. Besides, whatever story would explain what really happened cannot be something I want to hear: “Nah, I found a wart on my shaft and was trying to pinch it off…” Or something like that.

Cheesecakes are made with a lot of cream cheese. Which is probably why I don’t go out of my way to eat them. I hate cream cheese.

Nelson came home with a bag o’ goodies yesterday, praise be to the wolf. Of course, that cause me to eat a whole trough of macaroni and cheese which might explain why I feel a slight ache in my left arm… uh oh.

If you haven’t watched Black Dynamite by now I have no idea what you do for fun. Punt puppies?

Sometimes when I think of Big Pun writing the song "I’m not a playa I just crush a lot", it makes me laugh out loud. Good lord was he fat.

Great now I have Rockin’ Robin stuck in my head. Think of something Weezy…

I hate that the urge to pick up This Is It is slowly rising. I’m not that big a fan of MJ anymore but when I was a kid I was just like everyone else on the planet and loved the man. Sigh, I know what I have to do… homemade lobotomy, it’s the only way.

Alright, I’m getting ready to “work” plus somebody just started a Soul Train line because our boss is in a meeting all day. Bet they haven’t seen the Wop in awhile…

Peaces

Monday, how did you get this phone number?

2010-03-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend was interesting, but rather than get too deep into that I would prefer a blog of nonsense. I will try to mention some of the weekend’s best and most awkward moments just to keep the blog moving. Let it begin…

We now have health reform, yay, I still don’t know how this will help me or what it really entails. Every time that I attempt to educate myself I get so bored I smell the color brown. Or I’m pooing on myself from boredom… nah, I’m smelling the color brown.

My love affair with Chipotle is getting out of control. I crawled into bed with half a burrito yesterday and had a dream so crazy I dare not speak it allowed. When I woke up the bed and burrito were in ruin, thank good I took time to put a condom on though; I use the spicy red salsa.

Yesterday my friend Josh had a get together with some friends and family that was a “board game night.” I kind of thought he was joking, we’re not that old, but after being productive all morning why not waste the afternoon and eat free food? His sister introduced me to her new boyfriend, who seemed like a nice guy. 10 minutes into conversation I couldn’t help but notice the giant Confederate Flag on his forearm though. I was done conversation after that.

Last Thursday a little girl ran up on me with two of her friends while I was walking my dog. She asked if she could pet him, I grumbled “S-s-s-sure.” Then she asked if she could hold his leash, yet again “S-s-s-s-sure.” I asked her to please not let it go, because I didn’t want to run around trying to catch him. Then after they walked around me a couple of times, they took off. I looked around the corner I saw her run toward and saw no sign of either. I was pretty pissed, I stood there talking to my friend Jesse and cursing the fact that I didn’t pretend I couldn’t hear her when I had my headphones in. After a couple more minutes she returned with my dog, and had the balls to ask me if she could run around a little more with him. She got a stern “no.” Sometimes I really hate that just anyone can have kids.

Dear John Legend,

How long must we wait for you next album. People have died since your last one, does it seem fair to someone eagerly awaiting your next release that dies tomorrow? The movie 2012 and a slew of other apocalyptic movies have come out since you stopped giving us a reason to dance and make love. I’m listening to Trey Songz now, it’s an incredible album, but it’s only because you’re taking all this time to create. I know it’s all part of your genius but baby needs peas. Baby needs peas…

Life on the Discovery Channel in HD was too awesome for words last night. So, in memory of the Simpsons we’ll give it this word: KWYJIBO.

Well, Aside from moving it looks like there is one more show in March that I’m looking forward to, we’ll get to that later though it’s not quite here yet. Jaaam!

Tim (Miller) and I have been playing quite the game of tag with a tape from the Baltimore Comedy Factory when we were there last month. So far I brought the camcorder, he forgot the equipment to download it. Then he showed up with the laptop and I forgot the camera. Friday at Sabores we had our act together but I forgot that I needed to have a billion wires, an A/C adapter and tears from a sparrow to download that information. Then at the Arlington Grill on Saturday I forgot, I realize now that I’m writing this down, this is mostly my fault but the game continues. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not I receive a dead moose head in my bed due to my forgetful ways.

I have to get to Chipotle’s, yep, but I plan on doing more than one blog a week again. See you guys out and about this week, because getting out again makes me happy.

Peaces

Nebraska, the picture-less version...

2010-03-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Sabores tomorrow night, I’ll be wearing ass-less chaps so say “hello.” Don’t make it weird.

I’m going to stop being lazy and get some pics of Nebraska up on the blog thing before the week is out. I’ll just have a stream of photos the tells the tale of “don’t.” As in, don’t ever go there, because if you crave things like technology, any taste of black culture or Skittles you will find that Nebraska has none of these things. I kid, it wasn’t too bad, other than being completely flat and I actually meant that black culture comment. I went through every AM, FM1 and FM2 station searching for rap in my rental car. There was none, I almost $#!T a brick when I heard Forever Young come on a pop station (I don’t even like that song) just because it was Jay-Z. Later that night after performing, I was driving home and the DJ who was playing Tik Tok and I’m Awesome, apologized for playing new music. I questioned what he could be talking about, but then he elaborated that even though they received complaints they were going to play rap music because that is what is popular. They played Jay-Z one time, and I hate to count Timbaland’s Carryout as a rap song but I got that stuck in my head from hearing it a couple of times. This constitutes complaints, those people did not want any blackness in their lives.

My hotel:
I stayed at The _____ Inn, I will not say the name because I have no interest in driving away their business. I arrived late due to Chicago’s O’Hare airport, or as I’ve nicknamed them “Unprofessional, we just don’t care, but you’re stuck here already place.” Due to the two hour delay, side note: pony up for a non-stop flight kids, I had exactly twenty minutes to set my stuff down and run back out to the show I came for. I was given my key quickly and then I proceeded to my room. I opened the door and the first thing the light hit was a dirty sock… What the light hit next looked like a rape scene or a botched robbery. I stood there in the doorway for no more than three seconds with my mouth hanging open then the woman who handed me the key ran and closed the door. She told me that they hadn’t had time to clean it and needed twenty minutes. I didn’t have that kind of time so angry black man started to emerge. Not only were they sucking up time I didn’t have but I did not trust their skills in cleaning. While on the phone with a friend I drove past their hotel twice, which took me about 15 minutes to turn around from each time (yeah, I kinda contributed to being late there) because it was so nasty looking on the outside I completely ruled out the idea that I could be booked there. Sadly, when I decided (for the fun of it) to pull into the parking lot and have a wondering look, I saw the sign… I was staying there. While they began to clean the rape scene I paced in the lobby looking for an outlet to charge my phone which was at 4% power that I needed to get me through the next 12 hours at least. The woman who gave me the key and apologized for the nastiness asked me to sit about 7 times while I waited and then finally realized “maybe he’s frantic because he’s in a rush.” She gave me a different room, a handicapped person’s room. The fact that it was for designed for handicapped people wasn’t a huge issue for me, but there were several things I couldn’t help but notice. There was a light on in the back of this spacious room, I turned it off on my way out. When I returned at 3-something in the morning I hit the light switch at the door, nothing came on. It was blacker than the ace of spades (oh, I love good ol’ fashioned racism don’t you) in there so I held the door open and saw the light that was on before. Then, letting go of the door really fast, I ran to it before it shut and got light on. I tried the rest of the lights and they did not work, just that one, and this is how we treat the handicapped. The toilet was an obstacle to overcome but you’ll see why when I put up the picture. Upon stepping out of the shower, where the water hit me in the stomach because I wasn’t sitting down, I saw a dead centipede on the floor. I held me disgust since I was almost out of there by that point, but what killed that bug? Yes, in case you wondered, I slept with my clothes on and on top of the comforter. Enough of the room, let’s talk about the show…

This theatre was filled with someone of the loveliest, older white folks a young black man like myself could come across. I am not saying they were racist. With that said, let me describe a scenario: I take pride in the fact that in an area like that I was able to get a great reaction from the crowd when they hadn’t been the most vocal bunch prior to my set. I find it interesting that people can laugh at someone and then instantly start giving the look of “now go back to where you came from.” But I’m not bitter about that, I actually choose to focus on the fact that they laughed. I don’t plan on changing the world, racial intolerance will outlive roaches, but for a second there they might have let me shake their daughter’s hands. And isn’t that what life is all about.

I have I Just Can’t Wait To Be King stuck in my head, sorry.

I could talk forever about how bad O’Hare Airport was, but instead I’ll make mention of my little connecting flight to NE. This jet was like the SS Minnow and I was shocked that I didn’t see one piece of string or tape once on it. The guy next to me farted and I sat there and stewed in it for the better part of 30 minutes, what kind of Lima beans linger like that? Oh, and the pilot’s name was Jack Swagger… that tickles me.

Hopefully the great Canada adventure will be better and the pictures will be of a bunch of women that let me touch them instead of dead bugs in my bathroom. Only time will tell, but we’ve got another month before that week long adventure.

I got my clean fuel tags, that is all, I’m just really stoked about it.

Lastly, I saw a terrible accident happen involving four cars yesterday. They were less than five feet away at the time. It started with a woman that slammed on her brakes WAY too early which threw off the two people behind her and the third car didn’t seem like it got a chance to brake at all. Ms. “I brake too early” just pulled away and left the scene as I pretty sure whoever in the Corolla was in traction. All I could do was cover my mouth with that “Holy $#!T” look, same goes for the hot woman on the sidewalk on the other side of the accident. Then I kept it moving, meanwhile someone’s Wednesday afternoon had changed their life…

Peaces

Good-bye Richmond, I think you have my Coldplay CDs

2010-03-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

A quickie is what I have to give today. Let’s roll through the highlights of the weekend:
Got to feature two of the four nights, loved every moment of that.

Kenny Smith, the coolest feature I’ve met, invited me to stay at the condo… I accepted.

Aisha Tyler was incredibly cool, I expected a much more serious woman, hooray for surprises.

I had not tasted cake on a stick (like a lollipop) and now that I have I know I’m a man.

I wrote some new jokes, yeah, that’s just a filler but you’ll like the next point.

BOOTLEG DVDs! The condo just had them lying about, you’ll find out which ones shortly.

After stumbling through the tall grass, Kenny and I watched Ninja Assassin, awesome movie that was not given it’s due. There wasn’t a lot of dialogue from the main character and the story was pretty weak but I just wanted to see some action. I believe they delivered on that beautifully.

I noticed Twilight: New Moon was sitting near the DVD player…

The next day Kenny and I went in search of grub, we found a Chipotle after driving past two and many other restaurants.

My burrito was too packed with rice so when I took a bite the back shot off and it became a tunnel for meat to fall onto my plate. While Kenny enjoyed his burrito as I’m accustomed to, like a normal person, I had my face on the plate scooping into my mouth like his homeless “little brother.” It was still a darn good burrito though.

We got back and watched Twilight: New Moon with the shades drawn. Not out of shame, but because I couldn’t soak in all that goodness with the glare going. I give it a B-, couldn’t done for more shirt on that Indian.

I’ve discovered that Red Bull is probably better than beer for me when I’m going on stage. Creativity 1, Alcoholism 54.

Nelson got his geek on with Aisha and her sister Feri. I believe that Feri walked away with the crown but Nelson has thrown himself into comic books since we got back just in case he runs into them again. He won’t, but if he did I think it would be funny if he still lost.

The last night at the condo was weird because a drunk person who shall remain nameless got really racist when he smoked “the pot.” Potheads are supposed to be happy people but he stalked up and down that condo making fun times into awkward sandwich. Then we watched Ninja Assassin again.

That’s the highlights, I may have omitted some things that would’ve taken forever to type but it was an awesome week. I’m going to try to blog again before the week is done. But there will be many pictures from the heart of Nebraska by Sunday (or Monday if I’m a lazy dick about it) so look out white people; TRich is comin!

Peaces

Hey, look at me, I'm doing stuff

2010-03-04T06:10:00.000-08:00

And what a wild week it has been. I don’t know where to start so let’s just skip all of that and get to good ol’ fashioned non-sense. Let me just say that if you’re in Richmond, as some of yuns are, I’m hosting from Aisha Tyler at the Funnybone and Kenny Smith (awesome guy) is featuring all week (starting with our great show last night). Let there be funny…

I am settling into the Prius now, I’ve figured out how to maintain somewhere around MPGs without driving up the highway doing 20 MPH. Hi, I’m Tyler and I’m black… and green.

Is it weird that in these economically hard times I have had the best financial time of my life. I hate to think this may all end when the recession is “over.” Every time I hear that jobless claims have fallen I clutch my wallet like it’s the last time I’ll ever hold it. I made love to it last night just in case it’s not home when I get there.

My friend Jesse and I had an extremely geeky conversation that started with two men discussing Nicolas Cage and what happened to his career. Within two minutes it was two fan boys arguing (Jesse’s side) whether he was just incredible or (my side) any one could have done what he and Travolta did because the script was awesome. Ah, to be young.

Next week I plan on a picture adventure of Nebraska, I will go out of my way to take an uncomfortable pose with as many white elderly people as I possibly can. I don’t know; it’s just funny to me. (But Tyler, what’s a black guy doing in Nebraska? Is it safe for you there?) Well inner voice, I would rather wait and let the pictures tell my story. First week of May is Canada week: w00t!

I hate moving… that is all.

I ate enough Chipotle last week to feed a family of four. My only goal at this point is to make it to some level of recognition where I can work out a Jared/Subway relationship where I get free Chipotle all the time and I only have to give them my soul.

Is it weirder seeing a black guy going hard to Lil’ Wayne in a Prius or seeing a black guy in a Prius yelling and swearing at the top of his lungs at the dick in front of him? It’s been an interesting week.

Danger zone (like Top Gun/ Archer), sorry but if I don’t get them out of my system I’ll never have a real conversation with Aisha Tyler. “So, how old are you?” Danger Zone!

I have finally seen Black Dynamite and have to give it two guns up. Who knew Michael Jai White could be that funny? Classic.

Man I wish I could play the piano, but I’m way too lazy to learn. They need to make Piano Hero, I could pretend to soooo talented…

Sasquatch watchers: I don’t want you to feel under appreciated so as your Rat King I give to you (see below)

A true story...

2010-02-22T06:49:00.000-08:00

Gather children, for the story you are about to hear is completely true. You might notice that I have removed names from last week’s blog that way I can share a story about this weekend completely free of guilt. Our story begins on Friday night during the last show of the evening…

The headliner wants to do a shot, everyone raises their glasses and “cheers” were all around. Then came time for the second shot, I do not know if it came from the staff or from one of the many black people that he joked with. You see, even though he made a lot of stereotype jokes the black people all loved him; all but Jerome (that’s not really his name, but I don’t know it and I wanted to give him one). After the second shot things got pretty bad, I’m sure we’ve all gotten a peek at someone too drunk onstage and seen what it can become: Slurred words, forgetting jokes mid-joke, disorientation and even moving from conversation with the crowd mid-sentence. I can’t say it wasn’t somewhat enjoyable to watch but still, we’ve seen this before (some have even been the drunk… this guy). At one point he pulled his pants down, to his shoes exposing tighty whiteys, and I decided to get up go pee then. When I came back it was business as usual, but what blew me away was I felt like the only one that knew he was drunk. No nervous eyes darting around, no one really whispering “This guy is drunk” or anything like that. Then, somewhere around the time he should have been coming off, Jerome snapped and had enough. I’m going to put this in quotes but I’m paraphrasing; “Man you suck, this is terrible and you gay as f***!” This comment was met with “What do you do for a living?” Jerome didn’t care to answer that question though, I can only assume it’s because no one paid to see him do his job that night. The more they shot back and forth, the more Jerome said “YOU GAY! And you not funny!” which only made the comic say gayer things. I believe his response to “I’ma stick this bottle up your ass!” was “Oh yeah, well sing to me while you do it.” Sadly, that did make me laugh, it still does. A little more back and forth and now things are getting really awkward. Suddenly the headliner gets really upset and tells Jerome he doesn’t like him and sticks two middle fingers high and screams “F*** you!” The crowd goes wild and I was shocked they were still with him but that was the most noise they had made in a half an hour. Then he says that it was a case of a black guy trying to intimidate the little white guy on stage but that wasn’t going to happen. At that point several of the black people that were in love with him looked in my direction; I shrugged my shoulders, I didn’t know him. I was getting that feeling like a fight might go down because neither had anything better to talk about and sure enough Jerome says “So you want to take this outside then?” The comic tells him “No I don’t want to fight, I’m gonna talk $#!T up here and probably go run to the Hyatt and hide.” I laughed, and so did the crowd, because though Jerome was not a big man he was winning the fight (physically) in everyone’s minds. I believe it was late so I’m not sure about this part; there was an attempt to move on by the headliner. If that happened it was only for a minute or less, but then things got worse. Drunken anger can strike pretty quickly and suddenly a penis came out, that is when Jerome threw a full bottle up onstage and the comic bolted out of there. I was sitting next to the stage as the lights went up and the comic raced past me. The crowd was not moving, so I went up and gave a little “thanks for coming out… uh, have a good night.” It was the most awkward experience I have witnessed yet, I’m sure there will be worse along the years but for now that takes the cake. I want to thank everyone that played a part in that funny memory I get to hold onto forever, from the person who bought the shot to whoever gave Jerome his Amstel Light.

Well, after that little diddy I think I shall work and do this blog thing again for real tomorrow. Daddy’s got a new card now so I should be getting around a lot more, at least enough that I don’t have to introduce myself to every comic when I see them. Tee hee.

Peaces

Everybody cries, and blogs

2010-02-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

Well it’s been a long, somehow I deserved everything that came to me. Whenever bad things come my way I try to think of what could have possibly brought that negativity into my life. I’m deeply religious, despite what everyone who knows me seems to think. My mother taught me that you reap what you sow. The only thing I can think of is that I need to be a better person overall, because I’ve generally gone out of my way to let my actions show what my words do not. With that said, I’ll have a new car tomorrow and that means every excuse I had for not getting out enough to open mics will be gone. My grandma should come out of the hospital tomorrow provided doctors don’t decide she needs surgery, which is a relief because she’s my closest relative.

Well, I suppose I’m going to sulk some more so I’ll leave without whining too much but first let me leave you with a picture that tickles me…

Fun things to do in the snow:

2010-02-09T08:06:00.000-08:00

Play the how long can you go without a shower game. Because who’s going to judge you right? I’m kidding, I rarely play that game.

Download The League Season 1 from iTunes for $7.99, damn that’s a sale!

(from Nelson in Virginia) Befriend a child in the neighborhood and get help removing your car from the huge bank of snow the plow drivers stacked behind your car. Once the child has worked for 5 hours give him a post-dated check. The best part was that the kid’s mom sent him back to get a check with the correct date on it, I couldn’t bring myself to answer the door so I laughed from seemingly nowhere.

Don’t watch Saw VI. It was bad, and that comes from a true fan of the other five. Sigh, thank God the next one is going to finish off the story. It was just it’s time, it was just it’s time.

F*** paying bills, buy candy. That’s a motto for snowy times.

Stuff your face with Pizza Rolls and wake from a mini pizza coma to play 6 solid hours of DJ Hero. Some lucky lady out there has all THIS to deal with.

While reaching from a remote, accidentally shard yourself. No further details, I’m just as shocked as you are.

Become so self-absorbed that you shun family’s cries for help. “I’m not driving to the airport to dig Grandma out of the snow. I told her not to go visit her dying brother. (CLICK)”

Watch the news, yeah, you heard me.

Meet the African people in the apartment next to you. Explain to them that despite the loud and offensive (and generally gay) screaming they might hear coming from your place, you’re actually just a nice guy.

Chicken, eat lots of chicken. Side note: I ate more Fruit by the Foot than I probably every have in my life within 72 hours.

Write jokes, why is this so far down on my list?! I did watch quite a bit of stand up for spiritual guidance.

Spend QT with your pet, even if it’s a chimp. Sometimes we take all that affection for granted, they can’t tell us they want to watch Parks and Recreation; we’re just supposed to know.

Do something productive. I managed to wish upon a falling star, I never take time out to do that.

Experiment with facial hair, for the last few days I was rocking the homeless adolescent. I had to shave when I returned to work this morning. Speaking of which, my employer hates us, why are we here? Thank goodness it’s all coming back in a few hours, jaaaam!

Eat a peanut and butter sandwich, Nelson ate several… because he’s a glutton, but also because they’re delicious.

Well, if we do get more than a foot of snow like we’re supposed to I promise to have made a new video for some snowy entertainment. For now, I suppose I have to get back to work.

It's blog lite- the free version!

2010-02-03T06:55:00.000-08:00

Somehow a bunch of work grew legs and ran to my desk to die. I have to shovel all of this into the furnace on ground zero since it died in my space. Until we get a chance at a real blog tomorrow I figured why not do a smidgen of plugs:

Friday- Sabores

Feb. 10- Off the Wall has an open mic night? Apparently, I'm planning on wearing corduroy.

Feb. 18-20- Baltimore Comedy Factory (Paul Mercucio is headlining)

Mar. 3-7- Richmond FunnyBone (Aisha Tyler is headlining!)

Mar. 13- I'm in Nebraska, but why??? I'll tell once I'm there.

Mar. 26-27- Why on earth would I go to Atlanta? Hmmm.

Real blog dinner tomorrow, until then

Peaces

We've made it to another Friday; that calls for sexy party!

2010-01-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

Not too much to say today, I'm happy with the week, hope you are too. Let this child's bad day remind us how fortunate we are. Until next time (unless, of course, you are a comic; I'll see you this freakend) I hope you remember to eat vitamins and help and old lady cross the street. Karma baby!

P.S.- Tomorrow will be a day adventure (Nelson and I generally sing our names like Harold & Kumar on these... one guess why) with Nelson, my friend Josh and I. We're going to Surfside 7 in Edgewater, MD to take on the 2 lb burger and claim a t-shirt. Believe that I'll post some pics of the meat fest (haha, that's sounds gay since it'll be three guys... maybe it will be gay) and if I claim victory I'm sure they'll be a pic of me with my head in the toilet or taking a meat siesta (haha, that's gay too). Til' next time...

Peaces

Someone didn't flush! And it got away!

2010-01-27T07:16:00.000-08:00

Since I'm moving shortly (not away, not yet) here are my favorite apartment memories:

Watching Nelson and Kevin randomly break into sword fights in the hallway. Real swords, real men… it’s always fun and games until someone loses a testicle.
Discovering a door that leads to nowhere in my room after having lived there for over a year.
While cleaning one day there were poo particles all over this rug that was under Max’s cage. I went on the balcony and and shook the rug one good time while talking to Nelson. As soon as the particles hit the wind we heard a man scream like he’d been stabbed. I quickly shut the door and we laughed for the better part of 15 minutes.
My Mom came to visit one day while Kevin and I were in the middle of Rock Band. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re black or because she had no idea I was that skilled in something so nerdy, but her face was the look of “I have no son.”
Trying to clean “my smoking pipe” I had the brilliant idea of microwaving it to warm things up. I did not consider that “black gold” would come spurting out instantly and the microwave would instantly smoke like an old freight train. Within 15 minutes I was running up and down the hallway trying not to let the fog of “smoke” settle since Kevin’s girlfriend was in his room and I didn’t want to alarm her. In the end, I had to boil that pipe and was an idiot for thinking that would work.
Seeing Nelson answer the door for the first time with the full replica of the Final Fantasy VII sword. I think it is spelled Zwyhander, but I don’t care enough to Google that.
When I accidentally put a Coke can in the freezer and left for comedy it exploded and covered everything in sticky goodness. I do not believe I was the one who cleaned it.
I began putting pieces of nasty that were in the sink (because guys can be gross and let a week go by without doing dishes if there are still ones in the cupboards) in a Vitamin Water bottle. I call it my bottle of nasty and it’s been stewing for almost three years. I don’t own a gun but if you break in and give me time to formulate a plan I might blind you with my skunk bottle. Or at least severely irritate your facial skin.
Finally trying Absinthe was a fun night. Maybe it was a couple of nights, who knows, that is a different kind of buzz than I’m used to.
Chipotle’s, my love for it has slowly grown over the past couple of years. I think I’m ready for the next step, but she told me it has to be colorless grade-A princess cut. She’s worth every penny.
I’m always tickled by the deer my grandfather gave me. Whether in a Santa hat adorned with Christmas tree lights, a big Russian hat or an American Flag bandanna with sunglasses; he’s awesome.
I loved that we really haven’t had neighbors since we moved in. Every scream, video game taunt or horribly gay statement was unrecorded which really let us explore our imagination.
In relation to that last one here are the top three quotes to come out of the apartment: 3rd place: Stop ruining my birthday, 2nd place: Boo Butta and in 1st place….. Quigibo.

Well, I must get back to saving… I don’t save anything where I work. I’m gonna finish this Crunch bar though. I will do that. See you comics either tonight or tomorrow (or both, snap!)

Peaces

Hamburger never helped me like this, it's a new car!

2010-01-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Well, let’s start this Boosday (get it, because Tuesdays suck) off with an image that Sean Paul gave me that tickled me all yesterday. Imagine you’re stuck in traffic on I-395 and right when you’re ready to scream from how bananiac our traffic can get you catch a glimpse of beast coming up on the shoulder. It’s a polar bear, just like the kind featured in The Golden Compass, meaning he is decked out in body armor. As he gallops toward your vehicle you notice that somebody is riding this polar bear… Sean Paul Ellis. He’s on the bear’s back and pointing a sword with tears in his eyes. “Where the hell is that maniac going? Why is he riding a bear? And WHY is he traveling faster than me on back of a bear?!” Ah, if I was an artist I would draw that, because that’s good stuff. Moving on to our regularly scheduled fun…

On Saturday a bunch of comedians witnessed some hot white girl knee her boyfriend in the balls outside the Drafthouse. Then he laughingly called him a p***y and told him she would kiss it and make it all better. There is no way he would’ve walked away that easy if he were the one kneeing her ovaries into her jacket pockets. Double standards, gotta love’em.

The Girl Scouts better get out on the streets and start moving that product. If I have to ask one more person about Tagalongs I’m gonna slap somebody. “But Mister, I’m not a girl scout.” (throws the money at the little girl) I don’t care, gimme those cookies, I’m tired of playing with you people. There’s nothing funny about treating a Girl Scout like a prostitute. But if she can’t move all that product I will snitch to her pimp and watch them smack her around. Girl Scout moms don’t play, it’s for a good cause.

After 2 PM I’ll be alone working in my section. I have to say I’m pretty pissed that everyone else found some reason to leave early and I’m the only one going for perfect attendance. Uh oh, I’m almost out of Haterade. That was so corny I hope someone cracked a smile.

Yesterday my supervisor gave me a piece of bread from another country. When she brought it to me I imagine the look on my face was like a child’s when you try to make them eat vegetables. “No, it’s yucky.”

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I received a slightly dirty e-mail yesterday and it just reminds me how great it is that I don’t have to do $#!T for this phoney holiday. Viva la single life!

24 was purely Mantastic last night! May Jack Bauer drink the blood of his enemies and smoke the terrorism right off their meat for a BBQ. I don’t know what we will do on Mondays when Keifer calls it quits. Do we catch up on our Monday Night Raw?

My favorite part about wearing earbuds all the time is that you can tell I’m not open for conversation. While this does cause you not to hear big breasted women say “hello” in the morning, it also lets me listen to my Weezy in peace. It’s all about snackrifice.

If I were white I’d want my name to be Santa, because he’s my favorite white man. Asian, I’d go with Ling, because that tickles me. And if I were middle eastern I would go with Jesus, because he’s my favorite one.

I hate cheery people in the morning.

When is the last time you ate a marshmallow?

What happened to Big Johnson shirts? Is there some guy who’s whole shirt wardrobe went out of style in an instant back in 99’? I guess the same thing probably happened to the dude that always had the newest Fubu jersey when it came out.

Today I shaved. That is all, I’m just proud I’m a man.

I’m learning that he who finishes his work first is not rewarded. He just gets given more of his team’s work and gets a mention in a meeting. I’m working at a lot more of a medium pace now. Hooray.

That Bruce Willis/ Tracy Morgan movie Cop Out looks terrible. That’s probably because it’s a Kevin Smith movie. It hurts me not to see a Bruce Willis movie, but I’m sure the bored Sunday will come when it comes on HBO.

Got to get back to my medium pace now, I’ll be seeing you.

Peaces

Smog candy and the melancholy shoe strings

2010-01-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

So far, the theme for this year is festivals. March- May should be very interesting and I haven’t been on a plane since 2001 so I’m very excited. There will be pictures, the revolution will be televised. Since there is considerably less school for me this year I’ve also decided to check out L.A. just to see what the scene is like. I love NY but maybe the west coast will show some skin.

I’ve reached a point of numbness towards everything and everyone at work that the hours here blur on a daily basis. Is this what being married feels like?

Bought Moon on Saturday for MLK weekend, because that’s how he would want me to remember what he stood for. It was fantastic, good science fiction and then they threw in Kevin Spacey. You had me at Spacey…

I’m still writing cleaner jokes and feel good about that. I never knew I was such a dirty minded person until I began scrapping all of my thoughts because of their subject matter. You don’t have to swear to need your mouth cleaned out.

Even though I can honestly say I like some of his music, the artist Plies has a name that will never seem right to me. Flies, there; I said it.

Still haven’t seen Avatar, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t care enough about myself. Goozfraba.

Andre 3000, I believe we have all waited far long enough for a follow up to The Love Below. That is all.

Must run, back for more nonsense tomorrow. SASQUATCH! (I only said that because so many strangers came for a lil Sas’ and damned if they won’t get a smidge)

Today is about looking back

2010-01-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

The most:

Embarrassing moment of my life- Giving a speech in high school to (at the time) the sophomore class, I thought it would be “wacky and witty” to throw my speech away at the beginning and have break dancers do their thing. Well, the sound system gave some trouble and for about three or four minutes I stood there microphone-less and without any clue what to do. I was an inch tall that day.

Frightened I’ve ever been- Sitting in a holding cell needing to make stinky with a room full of shiesty individuals. “Hey man, you coming back with us?” My response: “Oh, no, I hope. I’m supposed to go home but I’m back here for some reason.”

Touching gift I’ve ever received- Curb Your Enthusiasm season 4, I was unemployed, in a terrible relationship and depressed. That was a pick me up that I really needed at that point in my life.

I’ve seen someone bleed- When I saw a fight at a basketball court in 7th grade. This older kid Eric kept getting kicked in the mouth and the blood kept coming. I’ve never seen someone shot or stabbed.

Romantic thing I’ve ever seen- a BJ… does anyone disagree?

Most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten- Chitterlings this New Year’s Day. I could definitely tell I was eating something’s stomach. “My God, what have I done.”

Beautifulest thing in the world- “Looks just like that, I give it to ya.” – Keith Murray, pre-beating the ever loving sweet $#!T out of a woman

I’ve ever paid because I was lazy- $1900.00, you really have to get oil changes.

I’ve ever laughed at anything- In Jackass: The Movie there was a prank where someone fell through a roof pretending to be a burglar. I don’t normally laugh out loud but when the burglar fell through and a black guy ran, I was in tears and could hardly breath. He didn’t even say anything to his co-workers he just took off and ran down the street. Priceless…

The most I’ve ever resented someone- I love everyone, are you serious?

Peaces

Sasquatch, in space!

2010-01-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

Since I have become Google's main authority on Sasquatch (I wish that weren't as true as it is) I'm here with a New Year's Treat. Without further ado: Sasquatch in space.

The door to the living room area opens and all that can be seen is a streak of brown as Sasquatch goes running to his room. He thought he would be alone for longer and there was a marathon of Small Wonder on TV Land. That robot chick is hot… to Sasquatch.

For the Christmas party Sasquatch gave Susan, an officer aboard the spacecraft, a flip book of his naked toe touches. He thought she would be touched. She has since filed a complaint with Human Resources.

Sasquatch is insensitive to the overweight members of the crew. To show them what a good figure truly looks like, he created “Daisy Duke Tuesdays.” The only participant is him, and he shovels ice cream into his face while taunting “the fatties.” His words, not mine.

Sasquatch once made love to a woman whose favorite food was chicken. Because of her infidelity, he refuses to eat most of the prepared food on board. He insists it will turn him into a “clap-having Jezebel.”

Secretly, Sasquatch likes to watch Sex and the City. He also cries every time Carrie and Big break up.

Sasquatch was the one who didn’t flush the toilet on Wednesday. That got blamed on Doug, the black janitor.

Sometimes Sasquatch will stare out into space and just let his mind go blank in it’s beauty. It was then that Doug (the black janitor) came over:
“What’s up Sachy? Oh my God, you’re pissing right in the middle of the living area! I have to clean that $#!T!”

Sasquatch was accused of sexual harassment because of his incessant staring at Carla. He doesn’t find her sexually attractive, he just thinks her eyes are too far apart. Sometimes you can’t stop looking when something is bizarre. Like when Doug’s fly was open and Sasquatch noticed white pubes.

Sasquatch pushed Jim, the only Asian on the space craft, into space because he refused to share some of his Poly-O string cheese. Don’t f with Sasquatch and his cheese.

Sasquatch has not gotten the hang of going to the bathroom in space so he waits for it to happen and calls Doug to come clean it up.

Sasquatch’s Nintendo DS Lite broke almost as soon as they reached space. He stole Janice’s urinated on it to mark his territory. Janice wasn’t fooled by the urine, but due to rumors that Sachy pushed Jim out into space; she kept her mouth shut.

Sachy loves blacksploitation. He just does, BOSS N*GGER.

During the crew’s movie night (Steel Magnolias was playing) Sasquatch intentionally caused an argument amongst everyone so that he could watch the movie like it was supposed to be watched; alone. Next week is Fried Green Tomatoes…

Sasquatch has ordered several items from Amazon.com and the merchant’s did not deliver his Christmas gifts to relatives and friends in time. Only the crew was there to feel his wrath. Plus he gets pretty gassy when he’s upset.

Lastly, Sachy did not grant permission for this investigative (yep, who’s to say I didn’t?) journalism. Currently he has retained legal services and would like to be left out of this blog in the future. The letter I received stating this was written with a poo crayon. I giggled before I called lawyers for consultation. Apparently, I’m in deep $#!T. Haha, he wrote to me with feces. Tee hee…

Peaces

I got you Chipotle's, now take your shirt off.

2009-12-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

When I arrived, on time might I add (I’m black and common sense tells us that is an accomplishment), my desk was weighed down by the smell of food someone brought in. Naturally, I assumed it was someone’s cultural dish and was a little upset at the gall. After some sleuthing I discovered that it was vegetables. Someone must have rubbed those veggies on a hobo’s happy trail because they almost made my friend Jessica yak. Sigh, Wednesdays…

Hope everyone that celebrated a holiday had a great one. Here we are on the eve of Kwanzaa’s conclusion and I feel all tingly inside. By the way, my supervisor is on maternity leave and there are a bunch of Christmas presents on her desk waiting. Did I mention that she is Muslim? At what point did everyone just disassociate Christmas with Christianity? Are there really people out there that believe the holiday is simply about giving and receiving presents? Every time someone gives a Christmas present to someone who isn’t Christian an angel loses their wings; true story.

The thought of a knight riding on a horse while the knight is on fire makes me laugh. I’m a simpleton.

I haven’t written a joke in a raccoon’s age. Just need more focus I guess. Thank goodness Nelson brought home a big bag of focus from the focus dealer yesterday. I’m going to focus hard right into the new year.

“Dancing is for queers.” – Stoney Rockfeet

I think a lot of women might actually believe that saying things like “hi” and waving at men are innocent. Men believe that any woman that pays you attention, whether it’s to say hello or even if she just uses an LOL or ;) that she is attracted to them. It’s the law, if you don’t wanna do me, act like I don’t exist.

I hope gets to be with someone they care for on New Year’s Eve, if not maybe life will land you in front of someone with potential soon.

He takes a sip of Cherry Coke, then he thumbs the zipper. Nobody’s the wiser…

GUCCI! (sorry, I’m listening to his album and got caught up in it) BURRRR!

I’m glad that the Nautica emblem on my sweater is small. Otherwise it’d be like when I wore bobos (cheap tennis shoes) to school in middle school. Not a good time for a materialistic young man. Ah, to be young.

Slapping people should be legal because it’s a victimless crime. Yeah, you heard me.

Where the h is Anthony Hamilton? You give us a magical CD and disappear for half a decade like Maxwell? Don’t be that performer, be like Lil Wayne, give us a song every 24 hours.

Well sir, I’ve got to be going to Chipotle now, duty-McCall!

Peaces

That snow knocked my clothes clean off... condom too.

2009-12-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

Brittany Murphy is dead. I really hope that Little Black Book isn’t movie they still show in hell. No one should have to be hounded for an autograph in the afterlife. R.I.P.

I’m staring at Chinese food on my desk and wondering exactly what animal is sitting in this container. I just hope it isn’t a Unicorn. That meat will kill you, only the elves eat them and survive. Yep, I read a lot of fairy tales.

Right now I’ll bet Al Pacino is shaking someone’s hand. I wish they’d follow that man with a camera. Sometimes I just think to myself “It’s 3:13 PM, I wonder what Pacino is up to.” I can’t be alone on that one.

There was a time when I was a slave to Snickers bars like I am to the ALMIGHTY Chipotle. I’m glad to see that I’m eating healthier. All that nougat was murder on my extra soft Charmin rolls…

Just found out a new prospect is younger than I thought. Blarg! Still very legal, just not as old as I prefer.

People abandoned their vehicles in the snow over the weekend all over my neighborhood. It was actually pretty funny. I had a good two hour adventure walking down the street to the Wal-Mart and carrying a plethora of snacks and a 24 pack of Budweiser (they were out of Miller Lite, I’m still a one woman man) up the street. It started with a walk to the closest grocery store, the lights were on but no one was home, seriously. Then Nelson and I walked over to peek in the Exxon, no lights and no Arabs to work the shop. We were blessed to see people walking with bags and then followed, it was a lot like a post-apocalyptic movie. That night I ate an entire bag of Funyuns. I’m a hippie, what can I say.

Young Money’s album We Are Young Money is pretty decent. Better than Dedication 3 (a Lil Wayne mixtape where all of the members were thrown on EVERY song) and I went in with pretty low expectations.

Another note about that album, if I ever have the chance to offer Nicki Minaj a sacrifice I will. I don’t care if it’s got to be human, that lady could have my first born child. I’ll just get another one, I saw a store called Babies R’ Us.

Testicles, that is all. – Peter Griffin

This blog has unofficially become the hot spot for people looking up information on Sasquatch. I’m kinda tickled by that, but it would be nice if they were searching from funny every once and awhile and stumbled on these scrawlings I call comedy.

I have on a lime green shirt today. I realize I look like a chode, but women look at me with hungry eyes when I wear it so I do. Love me!

This Chinese food is definitely Unicorn.

So that no one uses it; the word “Oriental” is inappropriate now. Just wanted to save some awkward stares if I could. I had to find out the hard way.

Going to lunch now-ish, uncork that wine you all keep at your desks and give a big swig for the gipper.

Peaces

This doesn't smell or taste like cheese but I already ate half...

2009-12-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

Madness comes in many forms. This morning it appeared to me as a Spanish man driving next to me in traffic. His stare was straight out of a Hitchcock movie and he helped mold my day. Paranoia is a mutha…

Tonight, I’m off to the “Scene” for jokes and stuff. I have no idea who will be there, whether there will be an audience or if I should shave. One thing I’m hoping for is a hug from Santa when I arrive. “Oh my sweet d*ck, Santa! What the F are you doing in D.C. right before Christmas? Shouldn’t you be preparing for the ride? Oh shiggity, you brought me that flesh light I’d been looking at. I always believed in you man.”

Fine women; slowly I’m noticing the more I listen the less fine they become. Could my grandpa have been right about finding an ugly woman with money and finding happiness? I’m starting to lean my erection towards “yes.”

Eminem has two new singles for the Relapse 2. Both are okay but still not like his old stuff. I wish he would start taking drugs again. You can tell he’s sober now, I miss my youth.

Something seems unhealthy about listening to John Legend and watching someone eat food from their homeland. I keep having this urge to pelt them with a stone. I guess I’m just old fashioned, like 10 B.C.

Gay guy just caught me doing a booty scratch. Maybe now he’ll think I have something and I don’t have to avoid eye contact whenever I’m in his radius. My rape-dar goes bananas when I get too close to that guy, he’s a fiend.

I gotta go to the gym, my shirt feels heavy.

The more I hear people talk about New Year’s Day and plans, the happier I am to be alone. I don’t know why I despise everything people are okay with, but spending a lot of money to go out like I would any other day seems crazy to me. Cocaine crazy, but I’m sure I’ll find myself on some kind of an adventure that night. Lord, let there be some strange at the end of that tunnel for me.

Dear wolf,

On the off chance Jesus was too busy to catch my last request, hook dat shiggity up! Holla at ya boi. I’m kidding, I know how much you despise slang. Seriously though, strange… make that happen. Kisses.

What I got by Sublime, now that $#!T always make me smile.

I want Chipotle’s but am going to fight this craving because… actually I don’t know why. Peer pressure to avoid my only love I guess. Why can’t everyone just be happy that I fell in love? Why do they have to shoot down my joy because they don’t have a food of their own? Stay tuned, tomorrow I’ll premiere the sex tape between myself and a big ass Chipotle burrito. “It was stuffed full of meat and chee(se) until I stuffed it full of me…”

Dear Kanye West,

I was just listening to your first album earlier. What the F happened between then and now? I’m not even talking about your behavior either. You were talented and fresh, now you’re just Kanye West. Come back and make a follow-up to Late Registration like you should’ve done three years ago. Thanks, signed by a former fan.

Did anyone know thaw WPGC is owned by CBS? I just find that interesting.

Haven’t written a new joke in 30 hours, something is wrong. There’s a disturbance in the force… (he stands up and unsheathes a light saber. Running into the distance, he disposes of several acquaintances before diving out a window)

Well, I’m back from Wendy’s (because that’s why I jumped out the window) and now I must do some work.

Peaces

You can't dance like that here; because you don't have pants on.

2009-12-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

And here we are fresh off the weekend. There were a lot of new comics at the drafthouse on Saturday night. It was nice, so was the crowd, if you missed it then you missed everyone busting out into the Macarena. There was pie and punch…

I’m a writing machine (please pronounce that like you are Argentinian) lately, perhaps its all this Christmas spirit going around? Maybe it’s all of this recreational “yogurt” I’ve been enjoying. Whatever it is, I hope it has a Christmas gift for me. I’m thinking I’d really like a whole troth of Chitterlings. If you’ve never seen Boomerang, just go.

I bought a Snuggie for a White Elephant Christmas party on Friday. The Snuggie was supposed to be for me, I don’t care what people say, I want one darn it. But, since the only design they had was a leopard print (think cougar walking through a seedy bar) I decided some lucky girl could have it. Still felt judged when I put it on the counter for the cashier. To make my purchase more masculine, I added a pack of Stride gum. Mmm, now that’s manly.

I saw some of Robin Williams new comedy special. Who am I to talk about a legend? So we’re going to end this right there; “I saw it.”

Women are pretty predictable. It’s a time of year that people like surrounding themselves with friends, family and loved ones. So at times like Christmas, Valentine’s Day and birthdays they come out of hibernation and sift through the men they haven’t spoken to in awhile. Suddenly the phone is ringing and old names pop up in our phones. Sigh, the mother of my children is out there somewhere, I hope she’s reading a bible right now…

Uh oh, when is the last time you heard Feel So Good by Ma$e? Thank you iPhone, you knew just what I need to dance my way downstairs and get some grub.

I finally have the entire series of Seinfeld, my favorite show ever followed closely by Curb Your Enthusiasm. I started getting them about 4 years ago and slowly (even though I meant to get them all when they came out) I’ve finished something I started. It feels, phenomenal.

I have a new superstition. If I am incredibly silly before I go onstage things seem to go better. I’ll continue testing out this theory and report back with further findings. If I bomb I’ll have to come up with something else. Dear Wolf, please…

Quote of last Week: “Hey, that lady can walk! She’s a walker” I saw a woman coming out of CostCo on a rascal. She was swinging her legs and then seemed to be about to get up and walk into a van. Luckily she turned and laughed while most people were alarmed that I started yelling in a crowded place. It didn’t occur to me until we got to the car that she might have been slightly disabled and needed the rascal. But, like I said, she laughed.

Call me Mr. Jetson, I can drive you spacey. I guess it’s worked better with the Flintstones. Point taken Young Money/Cash Money Records, point taken.

Someone told me that they should be a part of my act last week. They’ve never seen me perform, for all they know I’m a mime. I should invite them along someday and show them why you don’t invite yourself places.

I’ve given miming onstage some thought in the past but what happens if people are against me from the start? Why does everyone hate mimes so much? They just want to make people happy at a low volume.

Old man is going to Switzerland, heavens why?

Am I the only person so excited for Avatar’s release on Friday that I can’t stop having nightmares?

Alright, well I’m going to get some good ol’ fashioned work done now. That’s right, I’m picking cotton today. Relax, they’re paying me to do it, they’ve learned that slavery was wrong.

Peaces

My eyes are up here sir.

2009-12-10T07:11:00.000-08:00

My weekend was very fun, and filled with suspense… not really. As always I enjoyed myself in Baltimore and felt the sting of its lack of Chipotle’s. If its there somewhere I’ll find it, or die trying. Marc Simmons was very cool, as was Larry XL who allowed me to get a lot of my comic book/ movie thoughts out there and into someone’s ears. Highlights would have to be the snow, boobs and most importantly, I got to make a difference in some child’s life. That’s right, I gave him his first jacking. I took everything but his pubic peach fuzz. Remember me always little man, or I’ll find you.

Somehow I always find myself in a debate over whether rape is funny or not. It’s generally agreed that women do not find it funny, even though there are probably a lot more men getting “all they can handle” than women at some point in time. Men will generally laugh at a rape joke if a woman isn’t around. With that said, isn’t there some couple that may have started out that way and ended up in the throws of passion? Kinda like the Watchmen and how the Comedian was kinda forgiven when he got to have consensual relations the second go round. The first time was pretty rape-ish. “You’re honor, I could’ve sworn one of those screams was a pleasant one… but I guess I was wrong.”

Dear John Legend,

I think you’ve made us wait through enough R&B artists’ albums, we would like another helping please. Don’t make me find you. You da man.

I’ve been listening to Gucci Mane’s album for the past two days straight. Sadly, it’s still funny to me to hear him say his name, or “Burrrrr!” I don’t even know what that means. Oh well, “GUCCI!”

This gay guy with the Mohawk has got to get another job or a promotion. He gives off such a vibe it changes the room temperature to negative 30 below. I mean that, he frightens me.

Apparently iTunes has a free Christmas CD with 20 tracks. If I could find it I would tell you the name of it. But now you get to go sleuthing for the answer. Good luck detectives (the answer is below)…

It feels like I should still be in bed wooing Winona Rider right now. What? While the rest of the world has forgotten her, I’ll swoop in and grab a primo sugar mama. Plus in my dreams she transforms into a hydra with faces of Hollywood’s hottest starlets right before I explode. Mmm, I’m still tired.

It’s almost Christmas. All year I wait for this time of year and once it’s here life seems way too busy to really sit back and enjoy it. I suppose since I’m not a child anymore things will only get busier during the holidays. Still the best time of the year though, wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I think I may stop smoking (cigarettes) soon, my doctor told me when I’m serious to come by and she would give me some drug that will stop me. From then on, when I’m bored I’m going to sing a song. It’s not a perfect plan, but it’s all I’ve got.

Why are social networking tools bad? Because when people see that someone “follows” (twitter) someone else but not them, it makes them do petty things. Not proud of it, but I just unfollowed someone for that very reason. Why am I looking at who they follow? I couldn’t even explain that one if I wanted to. Why unfollow them? Because, when they look at their number of followers I don’t want them to see my number included in their grand total. Sometimes you have to stand up and say “you’re a bad friend and I wouldn’t share kiwi fruit with you no matter how much you begged.” Yep, I’m childish and happy that way.

Is there anything more annoying than having to say “Good Morning!” to the same 40 people everyday. Didn’t we just do this yesterday? Let me die slowly in peace.

Wow, someone is in a good mood today, just look at the negativity of the last couple of rants. Let’s say something positive.

It makes me smile when I think of a big tittied woman giving me a big ol’ hug and pressing them against me. Except if it’s my mom; because that’s just terrible.

GUCCI

My sister is 13, would it be wrong to give her birth control pills for Christmas? I would put them in a time capsule but by now she might be the freakiest 8th grader that ever lived. Maybe I’ll just throw hot grits on her and scar her face. Then no one will want to plant their seed in her. I’m a good brother.

I know less than 5 women that do not have children. WTF happened to the world.

Okay, I’m going to Subway to get this lunch monster lulled to sleep. Hope to see many out at Hot Broth tonight.

Peaces

Look out Mofo, Iron Man's got a brotha!

2009-12-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

Living good and HIV free it's Thursday and that means everybody went commando. Because there is nothing like a breezy Thursday. Just in case you're wondering, the new Iron Man 2 teaser poster is on the bottom. Switching it up today, jaaaam!

I'll be making giggles come to life, murderous life, at the Baltimore Comedy Factory tonight through Saturday. Larry XL (who is always nice to me when we meet) will be featuring and Mark Simmons will be headlining. May the women be clean, the beer chilled and the audience as silly as watching Nelson dance for 14 hours in the ass less chaps marathon of 2005. Did that marathon of a man dancing with his ass out really happen Tyler? Definitely, and you better believe it was silly... and then I turned the hose on him when I'd had my fill of laughter. Whore.

I discovered Steven Segal: Lawman yesterday. What more do you need to say about that? It was just as weird as you would've hoped. Stares off into nowhere, corny slang for the black youths of Louisiana that he's arresting and most importantly the hair. He is quick and a damn good shot, but c'mon, who's taking him seriously? All I want to see him do is get into hand to hand combat, but people use guns pretty exclusively these days so that's out. I think I'd rather see him put on a Gi and go around trying to fight crime. But since this is all I have, I will watch him deal out the law.

The woman waiting in front of me at a Japanese food place (I know, it would have sounded better if I knew the name) came running up to the cashier and screamed "Where the f*** is my food at?!" It made me laugh and I immediately started tweeting while laughing in front of her. I tweeted it the other day, but it makes me laugh so there.

This one goes out to my boy Jessie Thomas out in WV for the weekend at the Funnybone. May you make it out of there completely rape free. Jessie's white but I still worry, I guess I'm just a good friend.

I have a big patch of missing skin under my nose because I was feverishly rubbing dead skin off my nose before returning to work for the first time since Monday. My allergies made Monday a nightmare, all the wiping and blowing my nose caused the skin on it to scab. Now I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

2010 is right around the corner now, may there be plenty of strange lying right around the bend. Strange for everyone...

It's been a crazy year for my love life, never expected to fall for someone. I'm surprised at the course of events, from old women, new women and acquaintances. May this next year bring something better than I know how to wish for. Somewhere the woman meant to be with me is smiling and happy, she better get all that joy out before we enter our awkward life together.

Have another sip of madness, mmm that's good

2009-11-30T07:53:00.000-08:00

New York tomorrow, Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend (despite the typo on the webpage that says Tyler S. is Hosting). Had a great weekend, much T-Day leftovers and Chipotle to fill in the gaps. New jokes, new Riding with Strangers videos to come this week (Nelson doesn't even know yet) and now; back to the Sasquatch interview.

And we’re back with Sasquatch, for those that were not here yesterday ol’ Sas was just opening up a bit about his life. Turns out he eats people but I guess we should’ve expected that one. Now we’re going to delve a bit further into this mythical beasture (yeah, I made that word up… you love it).
Tyler: Sasquatch, may I call you Geronimo?
Sasquatch: No, you should probably just use my name… Shaftmeat McGilicutty
T: Ouch, I think I’ll keep it formal. So Sasquatch, why did you stay in seclusion for so long? Why not come out and embrace humans and our society earlier?
S: For a long time, it was because I feared being eaten. Aside from the fact that I know my own meat to be delicious, I’ve eaten so many of you all that I would expect someone to eat of my flesh as merely revenge. After that fear went away I decided that I didn’t want to spend my life in a laboratory just because I was lonely.
T: What made you change your mind?
S: I have a damn good lawyer.
T: Right on to that. As something that was believed to be a myth, do you believe in the Loch Ness monster or any other creature that has not come out into our world yet?
S: Well, I would never betray a friend but don’t ever piss off a unicorn. Especially if he’s losing in a game of bones.
T: Are you a fan of Twilight?
S: Absolutely, Team Jacob.
T: Well, that’s…
S: (Growl)
T: Next question, if you were ordering in a Burger King, what meal are you eating?
S: I’m a Wendy’s kinda beast, number six, large, drink doesn’t matter.
T: Nice, I like their Big Bacon Classic too.
S: I said number six.
T: Ooookay, welpers, it’s about time to let you get back to your life. You must be warm in here because the heat is really catching your aroma and bringing it back to my mouth.
S: Yes to the aroma, but no to the heat, I’m quite comfortable.
T: You know what isn’t comfortable?
S: Do tell…
T: A condom.
S: (stares blankly while blinking)
T: Alright everyone, that’s all for today but we’re back tomorrow with updates from the city that never sleeps; Maine.
S: You mean New York… and Maine is a state.
T: For Sasquatch, I’m Tyler Richardson saying “Don’t buy the cow if she sleeps with everyone for a little Tequila. Good Night everyone.”

Meet Sasquatch

2009-11-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

Sasquatch has been kind enough to sit down and give an interview. We have collected questions from several people online that we will ask here today among our set questions. We need not remind you that since he is accustomed to solitude, his social skills may not be what some would expect. But, no matter how it tastes, here is Bigfoot!

Sasquatch: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Tyler: Is there anything you wanted to say to those that have eagerly awaited your public debut?
S: Yeah, stop snitchin’.
T: Interesting choice of words.
S: Oh, and follow on twitter.
T: Let’s start with a fan question submitted to us online; Bobby Racter from Nevada asks “Dear Mr. Yetti, I’ve lived my entire life afraid to fly because I believe when I do you will be the captain and begin suicide bombing. Are you a pilot?”
S: That’s a good question Booby…
T: You mean Bobby.
S: Correct, Bobby you have every reason to fear me piloting a plane because I started that horror story. Truth is that I hate how long it takes to leave the airport and I wanted less people there so I ran with that story. But I’m over those days, plus flying is too expensive these days.
T: It must be incredibly tough to survive out there on your own. What are your main sources of food in the wild?
S: To be honest I eat quite a lot of people.
T: Jesus.
S: Never someone able to fight, or run. Just the sick and meek, and I’m partial to Asians. Other than that, berries and stuff.
T: When was the last human meal?
S: A few hours ago, it was some sick kid. To be honest I’m feeling kinda flu-ish like he may have had cancer or something.
T: Well, thank goodness you’re not hungry anymore; are you?
S: I’m good.
T: Then let’s see what another person would like to ask Sasquatch.
S: Bring it!
T: Kim from Miami wants to know how the love life is treating you?
S: I’m alone.
T: There’s a phone number here, would you like it?
S: Unfortunately, a relationship between a human and I is impossible. I’m a equipped like chubby elephant. One of the smaller veins along the shaft is easily more than most human women have ever seen. Look at what I’m talking about Tyler (shows him “the chunk”)
T: He’s telling the truth folks, I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but it is gross. And since you’ve unsheathed your sword I’m overwhelmed by the stink of the forest.
S: Yeah, never used soap, I’ve got a good cheese going on. I stopped smelling my skank about 40 years ago.
T: Please, tie that thing back into you’re pants like before so I can breathe again.
S: Flip, tuck, flip again… and, we’re good now.
T: Moving right along then, “Now that you’re out in the open, what’s next for the Sas’?
S: I’ve done some talking with Chuck E. Cheese’s and they seem to think that children are ready to hug on impostor me and friends. As long as the money is right, I’m good with that. I want a Bentley now.
T: We’re going to do a lightning round of questions and just give me the first thing to comes to mind.
S: Right on.
T: Favorite game?
S: Sorry!
T: Hottest woman of the last century?
S: Too easy, that Orca whale from Free Willy. She could stone cold get it. I don’t even care that’s she’s dead now, holla at me.
T: Favorite shoe?
S: Flip flops, the gays never outrun me in them.
T: Favorite snack food?
S: Midget.
T: Favorite movie?
S: Anything with Dustin Hoffman between The Graduate and Hook. The man’s a legend.
T: XBOX360 or PS3?
S: 360, be serious, come find out what my ass tastes like gamers! My gamertag is: WookieDik
T: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
S: I’m probably going to sit around my place eating left overs. I have no family and no one wants to be my dinner for Thanksgiving.
T: Wow, well I certainly hope that some viewer that may be suicidal will spend thanksgiving with you this year. No one should be alone for the holidays.
S: Kind words; I bet you’re delicious.
T: Nah, I eat a lot of junk food. Ready for one more question before we take a break?
S: Don’t sing it, bring it.
T: Who is someone that you would love to meet?
S: Sean Connery, simply put, his performance in Finding Forrester moved me. James Bond forever man, Scotland rules!
T: Alright we’ll be back with more Yetti chat later but for today it looks like peaces. Laters…

Anybody seen my bag of Shrooms...I mean, mittens. Has anyone seen my bag of mittens?

2009-11-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

The show at the State Theatre on Friday was fun. The comics laughed, the audience laughed; good things. Baltimore Dec.3-5 so put a condom on B-more, cause we’re going stepping. In between then I shall hone my chi and focus on telepathy. Plus there’s NY and open mic’n between then and now.

Modern Warfare 2 rocked my socks off, still is. Ugh! (I’ve always loved that sound, especially when it comes from Pauly Shore)

As a prize, Elliott in the morning is giving away Jimmy Fallon tickets. I imagine them staring at a blank phone after asking people to call in and win. “Call in and get your punishment, dammit.”

I passed a woman while getting breakfast this morning with breasts so big that I did a double take. I’ve seen her (and them) everyday for a couple of years. But something about today was different, probably the belt choking back her blouse and making them sit straight up. When I turned around I was greeted by my friend Jessica looking at me looking at cleavage. If only woman watching was a sport…

When is the last time I watched Beerfest? The fact that I had to ask is sad.

If I could go back in time I would go back to the first moment that someone said “Cut the mustard” and slap them.

When I’m 75 (because I really don’t plan on living to see that day) I want to go to Disney world. I’ve never been and want to hug Goofy before I die. Mid-hug I will make my peace and die in his arms. I want the children around to associate “the Goofster” with death. I’m not a Goofy fan, may Donald Duck drink his blood forever. Hail Donald?

Jim Gaffigan has such a soothing voice; I should not be listening to him while I work. Zzzzzz

Who dreams about pouring a glass of lemonade? I really need goals.

I miss Insomniac with Dave Attell. Those were simpler times.

I’m chuckling to myself (like a crazy person does) picturing a rejected man firing back at a woman with “Well f*ck you, if you don’t give me your number I’m going to eat myself to death.” Then, for the next month, every she sees him there is food in his hand. He just looks at her with dead eyes as he slowly eats a cheeseburger. Creepy to some, hilarious to me.

Remember the first time you heard Papa Roach’s first CD Infest? Yeah; now do you remember the first time you heard their second CD? Yeah.

Gorilla Handjob. I’ve been giggling at the thought of it for awhile and thought of changing it to Gorilla BJ. But the thought of a gorilla doing that is gross… now there ain’t nothing wrong with some tuggin’.

Nelson wanted to go see Survivor Series and I had to decline. I don’t know when I wrote off wrestling, and no, it had nothing to do with it being fake. When John Cena came into all of his popularity I guess I realized that it was not the same entertainment I experienced with Stone Cold and The Rock earlier. I don’t know if it was just really good television back then or if I was at an age where I was easily entertained but it was something back then. Now wrestling just lacks something, like basketball after Michael Jordan stopped playing. Much love to Shawn Michaels though, he’s still a beast man.

My neck just let out a crack that makes me think someone I love might be dead. I better call Pauly Shore and make sure he’s okay.

That’s all folks!

Peaces

I'm sorry, when I heard about Casual Friday I assumed shoes were optional

2009-11-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

Here we are, November 13th and hopefully the show later tonight at the State Theatre (LaffStock, doors open at 8, show starts at 9, tix are $11) will be a jolly good time. Names, should we do the names? Fine; Jermaine Fowler, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson, Will Hessler and Eli Sairs. Hopefully streaking through the streets of VA wearing sneakers advertising the show will pay off. The entire reason for the show tonight is to lull the boogieman to sleep. Only laughter from a huge group of people, consistently, for a period of an hour and a half to two hours will do it. Help us won’t you, help us slay the beast.

I had too much fun at the (oh my lucky stars) PACKED Old Arlington Grill last night. I saw Hesslers and Abeds and Ryan Conners, oh my. I think we all had fun, I made two new friends that were practically performing with me, then I found a Kajigger dollar bill (which is like one million times one million). Sweet.

My new favorite line is: I really want to end a joke with the phrase “And I’m gonna get that n*gga Charles too.” Don’t know why it tickles me, but it does.

Had a blast with Courtney, Will and Randolph T on WGMU on Tuesday. Among several things that I took home with me were images of some lady shaking a whole can of ass. As Nelson would say, “That must be jam; cause jelly don’t shake like that.”

How far I’ve fallen, I watched Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns… and laughed.

Yesterday, while I lay sick and stricken with tuberculosis, I rented Up. Unlike the first time, there were no tears falling from this proud man’s face. Plus Nelson came home and that ruined the emotional vibe. I cry by my lonely.

God,

Please send my XBOX360 back to me soon, I know Microsoft can fix them very quickly. Atif needs me to beat the beard off his face in Modern Warfare 2, and I aim to please. As you’re well aware, I’ve asked the wolf to perform the same task. This is only in case you become too busy with everything else, like taking the legs from the Fort Hood shooter (good move Jesus!). Holla at your boi. TRich

Baltimore Comedy Factory, Dec. 3-5, Jaaam!

All aboard the bus to NY on Dec.1, just an open invitation should anyone want to come. Did I mention there will be pie and punch?

Every day it feels a little more like Christmas. Just relax, once we pig out on Thanksgiving it’s practically here! This year I’m going caroling.

New iPhone app for friends to get: Words with Friends. My user name is Devo2021, bring that $#!T.

Not too much to say today so I will see whoever is at the show tonight or the Drafthouse open mic tomorrow.

Peaces!

The Jankees!

2009-11-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

State Theatre show on November 13, 2009. Doors open at 8, show starts at 9. Tickets are $11.00 and can be purchased online at http://www.thestatetheater.com/. The show will feature Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! What would Jesus do?

So Keith (the comedian) and I went up to NY for this year’s Stand Up for Diversity auditions. We had a blast out there meeting new comic friends from all over and here are a few highlights from New Yawk City:

- Almost every woman in Manhattan was attractive, I say almost because there was the occasional midget. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
- The guy in line directly in front of me was wearing a turban. It took less than 10 minutes of arriving for the terrorist jokes to start, I did not partake. Too easy…
- I walked two miles (there and back) to enjoy Chipotle’s
- For (probably) the second time in my life, I drank a cup of coffee. It was free.
- Not only did I not enjoy the coffee, but it combined with the Chipotle and made me realize that I was going to have to make “stinky” in a public bathroom hundreds of miles away from home.
- I saw a bum literally chased out of McDonald’s by a manager that was more than ready to fight. She was about 5’3, pure rage.
- The same manager would kick it with TRich and Keith later and was really cool. Some people just know how to rub others the wrong way.
- A man in McDonald’s was really upset by rappers with fake jewelry. His friends would list rappers like: Fabolous, Young Jeezy and so on; he followed every name up with “Fugazi! Give me another one!” He was so angry I thought he might swing on one of his friends. It was interesting to watch.
- Back to the “stinky”: I wait in front of the bathroom door for what seems like an hour, it was probably 5 minutes, I had to drop something though. A woman comes out of the men’s bathroom, there was no one in the women’s bathroom. She was clearly dying her hair in the bathroom because she had fresh violet streaks in her hair. I go in the bathroom only to discover that she urinated all over the seat! I’m supposed to sit down after this?! So I grab the handi-bar on the wall, that is 1 inch away from the seat so I had a weird angle to hold myself at. I kept trying to reach out and touch the other wall to balance myself but that wasn’t going too well for me. When it was all over my thighs were as tight as a marathon runner and the place was a mess.
- About four Irish guys, middle-aged and pretty “portly” were walking drunkenly down the street. They walk past about 20 ethnic people, a lot of which are black males, and shout “Get out of our city N____!” Everyone was blown away by their boldness but no one is risking getting arrested over them. I still feel ashamed that no one crippled those bigots. Oh well, maybe one of them choked on a bad biscuit.
- A couple of homeless guys (they were nice to me so I don’t want to call them bums) approached a few of us while we were in the middle of talking. They ask Keith and a comic from Atlanta for cash, and got none. Then they turn to me and start casual conversation. They figured that we were all comics and immediately wanted me to tell them a joke. I give them this party joke, which I give to anyone that asks me to tell them a joke. They cut me off half way through and say “Wow, you got a beautiful voice. I bet you can sing can’t you?” I told them I think I can a little. They tell me that I can and then one of them starts singing “Doo Doo Doo Doo…” it went on for a little while at different octaves. Then he tells me to hold that note. I say that I don’t think I can. They step in my face and I notice Keith and the other guy move out of the way and now they are behind the two homeless guys. Not in a protective way, in a “I’m not getting raped beside him” type way. They start to touch my arms and I’m nervous. Then they demand I sing something and I ask other comics in line if I should. Then I sing an old Musiq Souldchild song “Reallove.” They liked it, one demands I sing “love” after that. I decline because the end is too high for me, which is true. Then, staring into my eyes, one of them begins to sing to me while they walk down the street finally leaving us. They continued to sing all the way down the block and stopped at the corner to finish the verse. I came within a cough of rape. Why I’m so irresistible to homeless men, I’ll never know.
- I had Popeye’s chicken. It was delicious.

The urge to move to NYC is strong, such a beautiful place, even at it’s ugliest. In the mean time, I’ll see whoever is at Hot Broth tonight. I’ve been writing a lot of new stuff lately and can’t wait to get it off my chest. Hopefully I can eek out a chuckle, it’s good for my self esteem. Snoogens.

Peaces

Real blog tomorrow, today is Cha- Cha Slide day!

2009-11-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

Hello to the three of you. I've been slammed by the work monster today but I have a series of highlights from my recent NY outing to share. Including bum sightings, the "N" word and a bathroom that was not made to $#!T in... but I did anyway. Well, hopefully you're salivating like me and ready for tomorrow. Until then, party up!

Crab legs for breakfast? Did somebody start ballin'?

2009-10-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

November 13, 2009. The State Theatre. Genre: Comedy Doors: 8:00 PM Showtime: 9:00 PM Tickets: $11
Check out some of DC's most hilarious comedians at work. Featuring Tyler Richardson, Jermaine Fowler, Seaton Smith, Will Hessler, and Eli Sairs
18 and up to enter. VALID ID required JUST GO!

Well, now that I’m going to make a sincere effort to stand back up on the scene, I might as well get back on my blogging. Who does random better?

Highlights of last night for me were: Hampton tripping and almost face planting into SPE’s lap. Barylick calling a woman “the lady from the movie The Wrestler.” Actually seeing Tyler S. again, been too long, now the Tyler-Bot 3000 is complete again. And getting to say goodbye to Mr. Jake Young. He may be on his way to a memory, after he and Eli rock it up tonight @ 7 (Eli you have to love the plug, should I give the name too? Yeah?) Velvet Lounge, 3 Chord Comedy. Es muy bueno.

It’s 10:00 and my cell phone just hit 69% battery life… giggle.

New Lil Wayne mixtape drops tomorrow, it’s called No Ceilings. Most has been leaked but it’s all out there tomorrow. Jaaaam!

Uh oh, it’s time for the Friday 10:13 zipper thumbing. Every gently press the right thumb to your zipper and try to follow me during this exercise. Okay now for those of you that may finish a little quicker than others, that doesn’t mean you need to stop thumbing your zipper. Okay, do everyone have a trash can close by for the waste. Let’s start working that zipper, up and down and 1 and 2 and 3 and hold. 1 and 2 and 3 and uh oh, I busted. Moving on.

We have to keep it shorter than normal but I’d like to say some words that make me laugh inside:
Cockamamie
Hand crafted
Moot
Fecal (what?! I’m immature and poop will always be funny to me)
Taint
Beef Stroganov ( I know it’s food, but that sounds like something you do not something you eat)
Pelt
Schmooze
Seed
Obese
Skittles

Enough, I tire of that, plus I have meeting in like 7 minutes. What’s in the news you ask?

Men in Black 3… sigh.

Peaces, I’m off to NY this weekend. I’m sure I’ll have adventures of Keith, TRich and the Fowlest to report when I get back. w00t

I have returned!

2009-10-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

A lot of comedy coming up for the next several months but let's start by plugging what's up first:

November 13th at the State Theater: Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! Tickets are $11, doors open at 8 and the show begins at 9. Must be 18 to enter. Show love folks.

Upon sitting here for a minute, I spotted what appeared to be some skin of mine on an affidavit. I went to flick it away and it didn’t move. Two things immediately ran through my mind. The first is someone was eating an Iced Fudge Glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut at my desk in the middle of the night and let a piece hit my paper. The other option was that a mystery booger stumbled onto my desk and I just touched it with my bare skin. That’s how my Wednesday started.

Did you recognize the quintessential villain from every 80's movie worth remembering in the picture above? Did you know he was gay? Look him up in IMDB, he's there with his lover. Just something I found interesting.

I tweeted about a man who received a 31 year sentence after smearing and hurling his own feces in a courtroom yesterday. Slowly another story, not involving feces, makes me laugh more and more. Here it is (given to us to laugh about by http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=920): Man Punches “Zombie” In Iowa Restaurant - You know you’ve watched too many zombie movies when you perceive someone you see on the street as a zombie. Such might well be the case of this incidence.

It seems that in the early morning hours on Sunday, October 25, 2009, a man was ordering food at an Iowa City restaurant when another man accused him of being a ‘zombie’ and punched him in the face. The restaurant is just south of the University of Iowa campus, so it’s possible that the assailant was playing too many ‘zombie’ games on his Playstation.
Whatever the case, the one guy was just minding his own business and ordering food at a Panchero’s restaurant at 1:17 a.m. when the perpetrator socked him in the nose. The victim pulled out his cell phone and tried to call the police. At that point, the man punched him in the nose again, breaking his nose.

The assailant fled out of a back door of the restaurant while the victim was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Neither of the men’s names have been released. There is no further information as to whether or not the attacker has been captured or the condition of the man with the broken nose.

Iowa City Area CrimeStopper is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. If you have any information on the man who punched the ‘zombie’ at the Iowa restaurant, you can call CrimeStoppers at 358-TIPS (8477).

The assailant is described as a dark-complected white male, short brown hair, between 6′ to 6′2″, weighting between 200 and 230 pounds. He is about 20 years of age. At the time of the assault, he was wearing a blue jeans and a brown coat.

And we’re back… hope everyone could giggle at a mean scenario that did not involve them like I did. Good times.

I always dreamed that by this age I would have found a pool of oil in my back yard and retired to search for the last Dodo bird. Oh it’s out there… I’ll find it one day.

Time to schedule a dentist appointment. The chipped tooth is really getting on my nerves. I’m like a fat person that refuses to work out, don’t pity me.

For the first time in my life I watched about 15 minutes of an episode of Friends last night. I was entertained, so I guess I’m a gay guy now… or white. Sigh, I have to call my mother. Oh God, she’s gonna be heartbroken either way.

I have high hopes for the next several months as far as comedy is concerned. An opportunity to make a tape I’ve been trying to get to someone forever and a day now; travel, and even seeing the Fowlest a few times. Starting with Sunday…

Nelson’s quote of the day: “If that’s rape… well I guess I’m guilty.”

Must get back to the gym, my heartbeat is showing.

Can it be that AT&T’s service is getting worse than I already despised it for being? I have to get up and walk to the bathroom sometimes to get service enough for a text message. Picture message? Well that involves me walking all the way outside, I really have to care to send a pic during the work day.

Apparently when you’re trying to figure out who is spoken about, asking “Who, the midget?” is rude. Go figure.

I declined the opportunity to give $1 to end world hunger at KFC on Saturday and still feel really good about it. (You’re a jerk) I know (You’re a jerk) I know, hey you ain’t never lie but eh, do me a favor call me jerk one more time… I love that song.

Lil Wayne is going to jail. How am I, excuse me… are we, supposed to survive an entire year without a hit single every week or two with him on it. I hope he’s working double time to make sure it’s like he never left. Tupac style.

Well, I’m off for training in dragon killing. Oh I’m excited!

Peaces

And little Jimmy is at bat... swing and a seizure.

2009-10-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

How dare I lie the other day and then get sick when I should’ve been weaving tales of madness and love. Just in case it helps someone down the road; don’t eat road candy. That goes for highway Snicker bars, trash can 100 Grands, barely pooped on Starbursts and a little peed on Kit Kat bar. You will get sick, trust me.

Dance to yourself for a moment while I sip Cherry Coke. Now hit the Booty Doo.

Why do work erections always put me to sleep? They’re a gift and a curse.

I don’t know why I have the urge to scream out “sex party!” but when something feels this right how could it be wrong. Then again, that’s the same thing I used to say about not wearing condoms… and not washing fruit that I’ve purchased… and not flirting with fat women. Nah, I’m right.

I wish ice cream could scream when I ate it. I love a good horror tale.

You put your left foot, you take your left foot out… God, I’m bored. Yet I still don’t really want the week to end. I’m terrible at committing to anything, I didn’t even finish the hokey pokey a sentence ago.

The Fowlest’s CD is out, cop that junks. Word.

“What up b*tch! Who is this calling my phone from a random number? (It’s your mother, she just had an accident and is using the tow truck driver’s cell phone) Oh, hi mommy.” END

What are you going to be for Halloween? “A rapist.” This quote was taken from a conversation between myself and my friend Jocelyn earlier today. Did I mention that there is nothing funny about rape?

I wonder if I should’ve capitalized the r in rapist… nah, let’s move on.

When a woman who can barely fit her boobs in her shirt makes references to them during a conversation. I’d like to consider that God giving the “go ahead.”

Tomorrow is Friday, for years I’ve protected the Earth from certain doom with a dance I perform to keep the goblins below our crust. I’ve danced and watched as children are born and grow. I’ve watched people win the lottery and buy shirts more expensive than my finest silk skin condoms. But tomorrow, I say no more. I will not dance for a world that encourages Gucci Mane. Brace yourself for the end of times, I’m going to play the lotto!

Trojan Man visited my living room the other night. Problem was that I was alone at the time, and not having “relations.” He just wanted a place to relax and drink, so we watched 9 and a half weeks. He refused to share my popcorn, so I had none. Uncool house guest of the year award…

Oh God, a herpe! Nope, never mind, this is just a weird mouth pimple.

I could go for a bowl of mashed potatoes right now. I just had lunch but I’d like to launch it at someone’s face. Snoogens

Peaces

A day away from madness

2009-10-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

Not really, just a busy day at work. Tomorrow I've almost prepared a story of intrigue and deception. It stars a young gremlin named Shamus... not really, but hopefully it will get a chuckle or two. My schedule just got a little lighter and I can't wait to hit put that extra time to good use. I'm still writing and am looking forward to getting feedback. To those participating in the festival this weekend, kick booty! We'll talk tomorries...

Peaces

Toaster's Strudel; A Serial Killer's best friend

2009-10-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

Hello again, let’s just be random and jump in.

On Saturday I read that the Dodo bird is extinct because they all queefed at the same time. After taking a minute to really let that settle I realized it was Nelson’s handwriting on a napkin and discredited that theory. Well played Sayson, well played.

For Halloween I intend to go as a streaker.

Lately my roommates and I have been going crazy with the hot sauce (which is an understatement) known as Endorphin Rush. Naturally I will let you know how it works out, but we have this great idea for a friend that I know does not read this blog. He is a mooch and can’t resist the urge to ask for any of what you are eating. Rather than try to pass him the “poison” piece of whatever the food of choice will be, we’re going to dump that crap on everything. It’s worth having an hour and a half of discomfort for a really good prank. Did I mention that he cannot tolerate anything spicy. It’s always fun and games until someone’s system can’t take it and dies. We’re good friends.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about it, but on a recent first date a woman told me she had been raped. Within the next two hours I actually used the sentence “I find rape funny… not yours but in general.” True story

I don’t know how many references to Dead Poets Society I’m going to have to endure this month, so far I think the count on popular TV shows is three, but I hate Robin Williams’ movies. I can’t force myself to cut myself.

I have to stop telling people that I do not read. Nothing positive can come of it. I don’t run into anyone that throws out “Showering feels like a waste of time.”

Thank you Chevy Chase, you’re the best part of my Thursday. Well, to be honest you’re tied with my accounting professor who is a smoking hot celtic woman. But she had coffee breath on Thursday so you’re in the lead for a couple of days.

Places I never want to wake up again:
On the grass in my neighborhood (apparently what seemed like a stumble was a 3 hour nap)
On my couch with Kevin’s feet in my lap… no comment
On the toilet, my ass has never been in a coma like that before
Michigan
I-95, that’s just irresponsible. City driving is just catching up on some sleep though.

For awhile I believed that Ja Rule was a song away from a comeback. Just because 50 Cent ended his career way back in 2003 doesn’t mean that he couldn’t flow anymore right? Wrong, last night I saw a new video with Christina Milian featuring Mr. Rule and he was terrible. Like watching a retarded kid catch raindrops.

Is acne contagious? Because I’m almost certain that there is an analyst spreading it amongst her friends. If I get it I know who I’m giving it to, Prince. No one deserves to be that pretty.

It’s been a year since I returned to school and I’m still unable to turn straw into gold. Sometimes I think what’s the point. Then I remember Rumpelstiltskin and that it can be done, and I study harder.

Chipotle burrito + Grandmama’s chili = Meat Sweats, yesterday was a long day.

For those that would like a break from the non-sense lets just take a second and think about Kathy Bates nude scene in About Schmidt. There, your mind should be a blank slate. Let’s resume…

I’m in the mood to sing a song today. But, I doubt that Baby’s Got Back is appropriate for the workplace. Instead I guess I’ll go with the song that doesn’t end.

Last night I may have spent about 5 minutes listening to domestic violence next door. I say may because they were African and I imagine that the sex could sound a lot like domestic violence. There was a lot of yelling in another language with the occasional thud. Time will tell, but either way it was none of my business.

In case I don’t jump back on before the week is over (Jesus, it’s only Tuesday) I cannot wait for this great weekend coming up. In case I do have time to blog (my God he’s actually been working while at work) then we shall do this tango tomorrow.

Peaces

Just like starting over

2009-09-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I apologize for the neglect lately, I’ve been practicing the subtle art of doing a handstand. I’m up to 40 seconds now… yeah, it did take me a week to get to that. You’re just jealous.

I guess I’ll break down the events of the weekend including a show at the Coat of Arms with band Sex and Missiles. On Friday I dashed home and scooped up the Asian that is often a supporting character in my stories, a smooth muthaf**** named Nelson. So, off we go and I hate to be late so I tried to time our drive with traffic down to the second. Well there was no traffic so we got there incredibly early. We came in and grabbed a couple of drinks at the bar with what could be mistaken for a field trip for the mentally insane while we waited. Eventually a man who looked like Grizzly Adams grabbed a guitar and a raccoon (really just another white guy but the image makes me laugh) and headed for the stage to blow in a jug and make funk happen. I called the band then realized that I hadn’t checked my calendar, the show was Saturday. So back home we went. We stopped and met up with my friend Leah for drinks and perhaps some rump shaking (lol rump). There isn’t much to say about all that except I pulled a white man move on the dance floor that left me standing with no partner. I walked toward this woman with a face excited like a child at Christmas began to point at her-then me-then her-then me (you get it) while thrusting my pelvis. She shook her head “No” while mouthing the words and I instantly busted into laughter. Why I threw that dance move out I have no idea. Nelson get rejected a couple of times too. Then we went to Checkers, where grease hides right on top of your bun; in plain sight. Stumbled home and woke up to have Nelson recount the night. Turns out it didn’t end at Checkers and I went up over the curb more times than I’m comfortable with. He was surprised we didn’t get pulled over, and I was hung over. Sigh.

Saturday was the actual show and during the day I just discovered how perfect Netflix is when you have an Xbox360. Fast forward to the show. If I said I bombed I would be implying that people gave my jokes attention enough to think they weren’t funny. It was like trying to tell jokes in the streets after a State of Emergency has been declared and I was pretty tickled by the whole thing. Had a couple people speak to me, not really heckling just letting me know they were listening. And then the bassist broke his guitar. So I scrambled to do a little more time while they worked on this technical difficulty, then someone shouts to sing a song. I had no idea what song I could do justice then Nelson shouted “Explosivo!” I love Tenacious D’s music (Jack Black and Kyle Gass for those of us that grew up with no television and were raised by squirrels) and have sang that song to myself a million times. At that moment I had nothing. Not a note, not a word, not even a little guy on my shoulder with encouraging words. I passed then awkwardly told another couple of jokes (a little new stuff that got what laughs it could) and got off. When I went outside there were a few people that gave encouraging statements but one of them had something better than any words… crack cocaine. Not really, but he did give me a user name and password for Brazzers.com. If you don’t know what that is you clearly don’t watch ANY porn online. It’s like going from a strip club that lets in 18+ to a 21+. Not only did I whip out my phone to have look, but there were two other people within earshot of the conversation who also owned iPhones and we all watched porn (without headsets, so everyone could hear) and laughed at our new success. There was also a gay man who was so danty and feminine I was actually uncomfortable in his presence. At times I would forget he was a man. I’m not saying he was pretty or anything like that, but I got out of there quickly. I come back to the table that Nelson is hunched at and he pushes his beer toward me. Not to finish it, but he told me he was done. He didn’t have too much but I trusted that he knew when it was too much.

“I feel like I might throw up but I’m fighting it.” We got outta there because it was pretty early Sunday morning by this point. As soon as we got on 495 he says “I think you better pull over.” I was in the right hand lane so let’s go to the dialogue:
Me: Well you better hold on a minute, I’ll get to a shoulder.
Nelson: Alright… actually, I think I got it.
Me: Oh, okay.
(1 minute later Nelson throws his hands up in front of his face and I see vomit erupt from him like someone just busted a fire hydrant. All different directions and so fast I can’t even flinch to shield my body. The passenger side of the car looked like someone blew up the Human Booger Man. I laughed hard for about 4 minutes, it’s how I handle most situations. Nelson was frozen in a pose with one hand in the air because he was soaked in vomit. After a while I asked for my phone to put a different song on… he says “I don’t think you want to touch your phone right now.” Laughter stopped. We drove back from Bethesda with all four windows down on a cold night because it smelled like an Oscar Meyer Sex Fight in the Corolla. Before we got home I stopped by Wendy’s because I was starving, Nelson appetite was gone. The fact that my friend Leah thinks it’s gross that I still had an appetite makes me laugh, because the car definitely stunk of meat.

I have to start blogging and performing again, which should be therapeutic as I’m single with loads of new material. No, none about her or relationships. After finally having a breakthrough in Accounting yesterday I feel really good about life. Tonight, my friends and I are rolling down to Richmond for a friend’s housewarming. Saturday, I hope to be at the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse. I miss everyone.

Peaces

They Live!

2009-09-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

I am indeed alive, just napping… a lot. But it’s Friday and if I don’t get these random thoughts on paper I have the most bizarre nightmare imaginable. Last night: A Frog with boobs that won’t take no for an answer. Yep.

Tonight at the Coat of Arms Café in Bethesda, MD it will be Sex and Missiles (a cool @ss rock band), Gage (cool rapper) and me (who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson?!). The party starts at 9, the show should begin at 10. Lions and tigers and bears; “Oh my.”

I’m not particularly in a great mindset so let’s play a word association game…

Can: Christopher Lloyd as the hobo in Dennis the Menace
Truck: Black guys should not buy them
Shoe: Jenna Jameson (what?)
Shoe laces: Gang members surrounded me at the Bowling Alley with my Mormon ex
Phone: I despise AT&T
Candy: Jenna Jameso… scratch that, Rachael Roxxy
Obama: Is a name.
Diaper: Nelson, because a grown man in a diaper tickles me
Confetti: Cake, I’m hungry
Finish: C*mshot, I think we’re done here.

Must remember to buy toilet paper today, even MacGuyver runs out of ideas eventually.

Old fans of Frisky Dingo rejoice! If you watched (or DVR’d) It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night you probably saw the sneak peak at Archer. From the creator of Frisky Dingo and the exact same humor that only it’s fans could appreciate. Starts in January so now we have something to look forward to in the new year.

Okay, sorry there wasn’t more today, but soon I will have randomness to spew that would make a unicorn $H!T. See, just wasn’t the same, have a great safe weekend everyone.

Gloomy days

2009-09-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

My entire body is racked with pain because of a football game I joined a bunch of old and new friends for on Saturday. To give a little insight, the first play began with a beautiful catch by yours truly. I should’ve prefaced that by saying that I wasn’t wearing cleats. That’s important because after this magnificent catch (yeah, I’m milking it because of what happened next) I came down and started my run. As soon as my back foot pivoted on the freshly cut field, I slipped. A massive man was already running straight at me but didn’t have time to adjust when I slipped. So he basically slammed my neck and face into the ground and that’s how I started the game. I’m fine with all of the physical punishment that came from the game but one thing I can’t stand is heat. There wasn’t a drop of shade out there. Not for me and not for an ant. On breaks I hid my head behind our cooler because from my hair to my chin I was cool. Then I slid an ice pack up and down my body trying to make porn of the sun. Broken, newly tanned and beaten I spent quality time with my family and spent the rest of the day moving very little.

I’ve been singing No Rain by Blind Melon to myself a lot lately. Thank God for these beautiful rainy days. I needed a pick me up.

September 19 there will be a free show in Bethesda, MD. I wish I could remember the name but I’m too lazy to Google it. I remember that it’s not White Flint Mall (I thought it was until the band corrected me) and I’ll be putting on a show with Sex & Missiles (the band). Cool guys, cool show and hopefully I’ll be cool too.

In the UK teachers are not allowed to drink during the school year. Sounds like a dream job doesn’t it? Right in between catching spat semen on a porn set and plucking the boogers from Nick Cannon’s fingertips. And I know he’s a picker, I knows it.

No matter how old you are you still enjoy watching children fight. As proven by the excitement everyone in my place gets by hearing children scream “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT” outside our apartment. Almost as giddy as the kiddies, a bunch of grown men throw themselves against the blinds and peek through hoping to see a good one. Don’t you judge me.

This weekend, for the first time in a long time, someone called me a monkey. Just felt that was worth noting because it tickled me. He said it online, so there is no story of an altercation or feces being thrown at his racist mouth. Because monkeys handles their problems with feces.

Bobimus Thomas was the smelliest child in his 3rd grade class. What the children of his class didn’t know was that Bobimus would intentionally urinate into his shoes in the afternoon just to wear them the next morning. Why? Because some people are just f*cked up.

Nelson’s friend Frank and I somehow got in the debate of who is better Chris Brown or Ne-Yo. By far the gayest debate I’ve ever been involved in, but what made it go on and on was that neither of us would concede. Counterpoint after counterpoint, and it all went back to the same thing. Chris Brown beat the $#!T out of a woman, and Ne-Yo is a gremlin. (I’m imagining what the cover art would look like for Year of the Gremlin, tee hee)

I brought a vile jug of Holy Water with me to work today. To smite the sinners and do the Lord’s good work. Plus, that’s the only way you can get away with flinging water in a co-worker’s face.

Been listening to The Blueprint 3, I think it serves as a great reminder for people that may have forgotten he is the greatest. My favorite song is A Star is Born but On To The Next One is a close second. I may just buy it on September 11th just to show support. We’ll see how much I’m listening to it by then, if I’m still just repeating it over and over it would only be right to pay up.

For my geeks out there rejoice! LOBO is being made by Warner Bros. and Guy Ritchie is directing it! w00t

On a more depressing note, Big Momma’s House 3 is being made. I thought I was disappointed in Martin Lawrence when I read about Bad Boys 3 last week. Sigh, WTF happened to my hero?

After watching Norm McDonald on the roast of Bob Saget I’m inspired. It was so awkward and painful yet hilarious to me how he could make everyone squirm and eventually laugh. I would love the occasion gut-busting howl, but weird has been my buddy since the first grade. And how could anyone not love Jim Norton’s comment “it was like watching Henry Fonda pick blue berries" I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I need to find that uncensored because there were so many great lines, I don’t know how I missed seeing this until last night. John Stamos gave Brian Posehn the best intro I have ever heard: “No flash photography as not to startle the creature… Brian Posehn.” Overall, I believe it may be my favorite roast.

That’s all for today, not in a particularly funny mood. Tomorrow is another day.

“Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.” – Unknown quote I found online

Peaces

Captain Zap, doing stuff!

2009-08-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

It’s a gloomy, yet surprisingly bright Wednesday. Our hero was just coming to his senses. Where was he, why did it smell like bologna throughout his room and why was there a hooker passed out on his bed? Hugging his trillion thread count quilt against her naked, and street hardened body. Before calling the cops on her he took all of the money out of her purse so no one could prove he paid for anything. Captain Zap had never been a fan of the condom and his wenis shone as bright as the sun that morning. He’d been burned, thank goodness for the super fast healing.

Something dropped…

Captain Zap was now dealing with the consequences of way too much drinking and annihilating too much from Chipotle’s. There would be no smiles, just pain. From a mile away you could hear the squeak of the struggle and the heel of his foot digging into the tile. Then, just like a slow kiss with a fat woman who just downed some Cheetos; it was over. Zap chose to stand for a while, because it hurt too much to sit. He said it felt like sitting on a bear’s teeth.

Our hero heads to work, on his way he intentionally avoids recognizing an old friend because he dislikes “the stop-and-chat.”

Was there enough time before work to stop and get a Croissanwich? Yes, even though he would be late, there had to be enough time. F**k it, make it two!

He had to call his bank to check his account balance. “Please press one to continue your phone call in English…” He hung up the phone.

He complimented an ugly woman, it was his “good thing” for the day. She soaked right through her valour pants and an old woman slipped and fell. Bless you Captain Zap.

Senator Ted Kennedy’s death troubled Captain Zap, “Why the hell is this all over the media? Who are you?!”

As my own hunger grows I have to cut this story short… I promise it’s going somewhere… to be updated later (just proving I’m still alive)

Private confessions made public

2009-08-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Private Confessions …

“So, I was at the zoo with my family and we were watching the gorillas play. My son made said “look at Daddy’s face!” because I was staring with amazement. My daughter was the one who pointed out that I had an erection. Truth be told, it wasn’t the gorillas that gave me wood; I was looking past them toward the Panda area.” Donald ______

“I pick my nose and eat what I find more than I can count.” Wayland Smithers

“… yeah, but who hasn’t look at a really young kid inappropriately? (not me) Oh… well, never mind.” Jack ________

“Your face looks like someone hit you with a truck. Unfortunately, you lived and had to crawl through the desert on your face and chest. I imagine that when you reached the hospital you told the doctor’s to fix you up. But then you told them to leave your face the way it was because you wanted to remember what they did to you.” Mike Hernandez 01’

“Yeah, I jerk it at work sometimes.” ______ _______

“If I were gay…” ________ ________ (doesn’t really matter what is said next, you’ve made quite an accepting statement already)

“But who hasn’t laughed at Carlos Mencia at least once? (I haven’t) Oh.” Nathaniel _______

It’s been a little while and I’ve been surprisingly busy with life lately. Let me promote (puts on promoting gloves) before we get ahead of ourselves:

Baltimore Comedy Factory! Louis Ramey! Big Ben Kennedy! Tyler Richardson on the drums! It’s gonna be better than a high five! More like TWO HIGH FIVES!! This weekend.

It’s impossible for me to listen to Luther Vandross’ music without seeing him lip locking a man. It really makes Dance with my Father hard to swallow, but damn the piano is banging in the background.

I didn’t actually think that men needed to txt every woman that they’ve slept with and tell them when they’ve found someone special. What happens if you don’t? You start getting texts and calls from all of them because women can sense love and their first instinct is to call. If I were on Facebook this wouldn’t happen. But I’m not, and I’m lazy, so there.

Atif actually told me one of my jokes was dirty. That’s like having a rapist tell you that you need to calm down because you’re being too aggressive.

I’m gonna get some good pics of Baltimore this weekend, “or die tryin’.”

My grandmother is in Alaska at this very moment. I pray that no hunter mistakes her for a Sasquatch; being that they can’t see too many black people around those parts.

New favorite act in DC: Jack of all trades, I just like seeing him happy. He’s happy when he’s telling jokes.

And with that, we move onto the weekend.

Peaces

Wait... this isn't where I parked my car.

2009-08-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

Friday I did a show at Fat Tuesday’s in Fairfax. My friend Nate has a band (whose name I’m omitting in case he decides to Google it) and I was more than happy to come and host their gig with a couple of other bands. Fat Tuesday’s is a bar that is supposed to capture the feel of New Orleans (they took the name from a popular place in New Orleans) and since it’s right next to GMU college kids should be there. Well, there were some college students sprinkled in the mix but mostly older people just anxious to get their wife or girlfriend on the side drunk and horny. Music can be a good environment for whispering subtle things like “I couldn’t help but hear the chair squish, another strong island iced tea honey?” My comedy was f*cking that up… eventually. I say that because the first time I took the stage I managed to get about 80% of this large bar’s attention by yelling and not giving a f*ck that there was conversation going on. I was yelling so loud that my voice kept going out on me, I’m very soft spoken by nature. But as I said, the first 15 minutes went well. Normally, when comics host they aren’t expected to perform in between the following acts. My friend Nate requested that I do that, so I obliged. That was a mistake. The second time the conversation was louder because they’d just been rocking to Sex and Missiles (name dropper) and then here I come again. I find bombing hilarious, probably because awkward situations make me laugh, and had a ball. A woman who had earlier told me it was her 40th birthday to get applause was now using it against me. “Hey, HEY! (Yes Ma’am) You’re terrible. It’s my 40th birthday and you are terrible, I don’t want to hear you anymore. (The band isn’t ready ma’am) I don’t care, it’s my birthday!” I couldn’t stop laughing, which is probably not the best way to handle not doing well. Her drunk friend standing directly in front of me was also 40. Why mention her? Because the entire second go round she was demanding the microphone from me. Before the stink of my comedy had truly set in, I let her announce that it was her friend’s birthday. Now I had appointed her the ambassador of the crowd. No matter how many times I said no, getting more pissed that she kept holding her hand out like a child and saying “Excuse me, let me just say something” she didn’t let up. I’m not lying when I say that this woman, slightly younger than my mother began grabbing and massaging her boobs to get me to hand her the mic. She must have been some type of fine back in her time but sadly that trick wasn’t working on me. In the end, some people went out of their way to let me know that all of the younger people (in the back of the packed bar) thought I was funny but there were a lot of older people that didn’t want to listen. An audience is an audience though, whether they were Martians, pirates or a bar full of other comedians. Everyone is capable of laughing if something is funny. So, I’ll take away the ever so hilarious memory of bombing and doing alright in the same night and try to improve upon whatever made the second so bad… perhaps stage presence has something to do with it. I’m not wearing tight enough jeans, I need to silence people with the outline of my “Henry” (I’m going to have to run that little nickname for my penis past the girlfriend, I hope she okays it because that is hilarious to me). On to other things, I just wanted to share.

G.I. Joe was good, not a 10 but damned if I didn’t get all the action you could pack into a pair of Ugg boots. By the way, Ugg boots are the ugliest footwear in existence. Second place: Crocs and rounding out Third Place: Flip Flips on a man

Since putting all of my old Adam Sandler CD’s on my phone I keep reminiscing about when his CD releases were a big deal. I almost wish he’d release another one because his last was still hilarious and I need new ways to pass the time at work. No one blogs anymore…

Next week, Baltimore… break dancing. And comedy, but mostly break dancing.

If you have the opportunity to watch the HBO documentary The Nine Lives of Marion Barry, do so. That’s pretty funny stuff. “Mr. Barry, would you agree to take a series of long term drug tests to prove you’re clean of drugs?” His response: “I don’t think that would help anything.”

Am I the only person that looks at Eli’s head shot and wants to pet his head? He’s adorable, no homo.

The more they postpone the cause of MJ’s death, the more I think he’s not dead. What they found was his outer shell and somewhere a gigantic butterfly is moon walking into a gigantic spider’s web. Ah, to dream…

When exactly did people decide it was gay to skip? I was teasing this little kid that I saw skipping with his sister last week and he felt no shame about his skipping. Good for him, I guess. When people start hurling some seriously hurtful gay rederick once he’s grown, I hope he still has that shield around his feelings. One more for the good guys.

I put every song that has Lil Wayne on a playlist last night. The playlist is 10 hours long and the majority of them are just him. My God…

Fact of the day: Mustard is not packaged by rummaging through the forest and bottling Sasquatch semen. It comes from a seed. You’re welcome.

My friend Jessica calls Nelson Jiggly Puff. That makes me laugh no matter how often I hear it.

Speaking of Nelson, this morning I was ironing and he walked past me to go to the bathroom. I was pretty tired since I’d just rolled out of bed my eyes weren’t open all the way. The only thing I thought I saw was Nelson getting ready to poop on a doggy pee pad. He didn’t, but that’s how I started my Tuesday. What about you?

Peaces

Iron Man 2 Comic Con footage... for now.

2009-08-08T13:14:00.001-07:00

And Wednesday doesn't look so bad, I think she cut her hair

2009-08-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Well, where do I start? It’s been a wild week. I’ll save one story because I’m not sure if I get to dance on a table when it’s all said and done. I might just end up smashing my face against one if I f*cked it up.

I swear quite a bit. So does everyone that I hold dearest (friends, girlfriend, Grandma and at one point even mi madre) but on Friday night I was actually offended at how much a friend of mine let the expletives fly around toddlers and precious young minds. It was like being young and watching Martin Lawrence: YOUSOCRAZY all over again. Though he was a monster, he swore so beautifully it was majestic. I could see fluorescent lights bounce off his hair after every giggle that slipped when he’d just surprised himself with a new combination. Thank you Izzo, you gave me back a piece of my childhood.

Three cheers for Atif, he gets to host for Rob Cantrell. As a celebration he says that a video of him dancing in Humus will be on YouTube within the next week. Gross, but awesome. Boo Butta!

Yesterday I held going to the bathroom off and felt like I was setting an Olympic record. A few days ago I remember thinking to myself “Man it’s been forever since I was trapped in a car and unable to go…” Well you get what you wish for. That was my Tuesday afternoon.

When I picture Sean Paul Ellis, which I do from time to time, I wonder why he’s always a slave owner with “a lil’ Captain in him.” Strange…

I was talking to Jermaine (ahem, the Fowlest) last night and I think it would be really funny to start calling myself Jermaine Fowler II and see how long I can make a name for myself before we run into each other. Just like Kirk vs. Spock, it’s on!

Just got this text message twice, so I guess the first one was for me and the second was for the world (how can anyone argue with that logic?) “Just had a poo scare, Just barely made it to work.” Some people get thought of when a crisis goes down. Some people get thought of when you’ve just dropped an atomic bomb. Apparently I’m that second guy.

My only advice to “this person” was to “have a lolli.”

White Chocolate is the devil. With that said, I’m eating a Crunch White/Blanco bar right now. I hate myself.

The hardest thing about doing the right thing all the time is that everyone doing the wrong things keep showing you all the rewards. “So, no matter how much your friends brag, DON’T invest in Japanese auto makers. They need your money here in America too.”

*UPDATE* My story has a happy ending! I don’t want to put it all out there because no one would believe me anyway. But, if you ask me personally I will gladly talk your ear off with my 15 minute story.

Now I’m all gitty, but I have a phone call to make.

Peaces

Happiness

2009-07-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

Today I’m happy
It’s not that I was unhappy yesterday
I am no better today than I was before

My cheer is not because of anyone
But everyone that I get to share this joy with makes my own a little better
That is the only way I know how to spread my joy with the world

I feel genuine sympathy for those that cannot see reasons to smile
Has life gotten so momentarily chaotic?
A bad day is just a good one with a few lumps in it

Challenge yourself not to complain today
Say seven nice things today
Say seven nice things to seven different people

What comes back is the same joy you get when you hold the door open
You reap what you sow
So, if you never stop to help others what do you think is coming to you?

By reading this far I believe the seed has been planted
Your problems are temporary
Life is long, just pause for a second and see

Have a great weekend, be safe and be happy.
Peaces

So, you're wearing the tube socks you spank into?

2009-07-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ironing naked is a mistake. All that steam and dangly parts don’t mix. Yet every few months I have to find out the hard way all over again. One day my laziness will kill me.

Nelson has given the world the phrase “time rapist” and it really does sum up someone that f*cks the $#!T out of your time. I for one am bitter that I have to go to some bumpkin town (Winchester, VA) to go over disaster recovery strategies at noon. All because there was a surge and my headquarters was without power one day last summer. A year later my time is being forced to bend over and pick up a penny while a rapist waits… and salivates.

After spending the past couple of nights in snuggled bliss I’ve made a decision: There must be Listerine within reach of the bed. I’m missing out on perfectly good kisses because of morning breath and GINGIVITIS.

Yesterday a friend working on her Master’s Degree said “wit.” That is all.

I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can, so I can… damn it. One more song that found it’s way into my wallet and my iTunes collection.

Yesterday I got a great booking, followed by “travel and lodging are your responsibility”… okay, it was not such a great booking.

A new bet has been made, “Can Nelson $#!T an entire plum?” Only time will tell, pictures to follow… I kid.

August 20-22nd… Baltimore Comedy Factory… people are going to be doing stuff… jokes b*tch.

August 7th… Fat Tuesday's… Rock Bands and Tyler Richardson? Keep me company Sean Paul… I’m sorry I peed in the Mr. Coffee.

Tomorrow I have great news. Why mention it today? Because I grew up with X:Men the animated series. To Be Continued is all I know…

I watched Fanboys last night, not bad. I don’t know why but Dan Fogel (the guy from Balls of Fury and Dane Cook’s best friend in Good Luck Chuck) never ceases to make me laugh. I think it’s because he’s bug eyed. I’m easily amused.

Best purchase of the week: The Dedication 1 & 2 by DJ Drama and Lil Wayne. I’m pretty late buying those mix tapes but they put Tha Carter III to shame.

Quote of the week: “You really like butts don’t you?” (yeah) “I know, I looked at your browser history, you really do.” – My girlfriend

Met Ted Alexandro on Saturday, he was incredibly cool.

Seaton put me on to MF Doom, not bad for those into rap music. I would compare what I’ve heard thus far to Styles P but his more lyrical side. And yes, Styles P can be lyrical. You’ve got fans out there Holiday Styles, don’t believe what the haters say.

Today I was forced to put down my car so that no one wanted to drive with me… sigh.

Well, it’s about that time to make skid marks… maybe I should have said tracks… yeah, let’s go with tracks instead. But, I will have a lot more time to think of good non-sense tomorrow.

Peaces

Just a gloomy day...

2009-07-23T08:20:00.001-07:00

My supervisor came back from vacation. That may not be the reason I feel so down, but I could really use a thunderstorm...

Don't whiz on the electric fence

2009-07-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

So far my iPhone has yet to play It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls on shuffle. I will wait and wonder if my phone has no taste. Because that shiggity is hilarious.

I don’t feel like I say the word “retard” very often. However, now that I’m sitting next a woman with a “different” child I keep catching myself before I let it fly. It’s awkward, about as awkward as when she catches me peeking at the kid’s photo during conversation. That’s all I’ll say about that because as I feel my face smirk I can see the devil dusting off my chair.

Yesterday’s Quote of the day: “Mommy doesn’t care, I have to go to the bathroom Jacob. We need to go home right now…” – Random mom in Wal-Mart

Yesterday I told a co-worker I was giving her an “ass penny” right after the penny landed in her palm. She threw it to the ground and then I told her I’ve been lying for fun lately. Good times…

Stay tuned for another date to a show at the State Theater. It was a lot of fun last year and this year will be more fun because I said so.

Did you know that you cannot choose to major in pick pocketing at most universities? That’s why I’ve started taking lessons from Ronnie the bum. Now I’m getting learned reall good. (the typo was on purpose)

For awhile I thought that R&B singer Joe was eaten by a dragon. Apparently he was just unpopular because he just released a new CD on iTunes. I was wrong.

A perfect night’s sleep is holding my baby and sneaking in kisses when she’s in her dreams. But, if my girlfriend is over I’d rather just let my iPhone charge and hold her instead.

Sometimes I worry that if I think too hard about something it will explode. Example: Winnie the Pooh, prove to me that he didn’t explode.

Photo bombers have and will always be funny to me. Especially when the picture is of a time where humor was not welcome. Then you look in the lower left hand corner and see some dick who’s just happy to be in a photo. Ah…

Perfect example of a 24/7 job: Stalking a stalker.

Any one that answers their phone and doesn’t say hello (just sitting there waiting for the caller to say “hello?”) should be beaten with brick. Who taught these people how to use a phone? Christopher Columbus? (Because phones didn’t exist when he was around so he wouldn’t know phone ettiq… never mind.)

Would it be weird to hire a party clown and just have him over to chill? What, I find the idea of chillin’ on the couch and drinking some Coronas with Bozo relaxing. But maybe I’m just old fashioned…

Just saw my analyst trip and gave the typical black guy response: “OH! Hahahaha” I forgot I was at work.

When is the last time you complimented Bobby Womack? You should probably get on that.

Cancelled shows are getting to come back due to demand by the geeks who love Adult Swim like myself. I wish they would add Being Bobby Brown to their listings so he could can have another chance to entertain the world. If you don’t think he deserves another chance at reality television allow me to change your mind. He used his thumb to help Whitney “go number 2” and spoke about it during an episode. The defense rests your honor.

Must’ve been a rough night for my imaginary co-worker… he’s only wearing a condom and Stacy Adams.

Dear Chipotle,

I feel I am not alone in asking, nay, demanding that you start delivering your food. Not only do I hate that the delicious drug you call food requires lining up like Oliver Twist, but I can’t stand the constant eye contact with strangers. Just think about it, I promise we’ll tip you well. Even the black people will tip, promise. I love you.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, August, jokes and $#!T… come.

Next DVD purchase: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (why don’t I own this classic?)

Must be going now, there is much pretending to work to do.

Peaces, I’ll twitter at you.

HUMPDAY!!! (even though it's Tuesday)

2009-07-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

I have no blog for today, but I would like to promote a movie coming our area on Friday (July 24th 2009) at the E Street Cinema. http://www.magpictures.com/mailer/humpday/index.html?utm_source=Magnolia+Pictures+Original+Email+List&utm_campaign=e287be9da6-Humpday_htmlEmail_7_10_7_7_2009&utm_medium=email

Tomorries there shall be much inappropriate chuckling to be done. Flatulence (that word has been making me laugh for a couple of weeks, I'm a simple man).

Peaces

So that's what a prostitute kisses like...

2009-07-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

It wasn’t until a couple of minutes ago that I spoke my first word of the day. Oddly, the song that brought it about was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by (if you don’t know who sing that song I have no idea what you’ve done with your life. I hope you discovered the secret of cold fusion.

I like that people in my section finally realize I don’t like saying hello to the same people every morning. I don’t consider it rude, but it’s like shaking hands with a friend every time you see them. I know you now, let’s just embrace that. “Must we speak every time we pass?” – Stewie Griffin

Friday I set a goal of seeing how many times I could say “Like scheduling my second circumcision…” without offending anyone. Somehow no one even blinked. Am I losing my touch? Probably for the best though, it’s a terrible time to be unemployed. I can’t even be a prostitute because I’m allergic to latex.

Yesterday I went to IHOP and was surprised by the number of black people there. I’d lived my whole like thinking IHOP was “WHITE THANGS” and I was so wrong. Oh yeah, as a nice side note I’d like to point out that I watched Nelson get eye f*cked by a random gay Spaniard. Good times…

Nelson’s b-day party was Saturday and as usual there were more dead prostitutes than I’ve ever seen in my life. Now take away the prostitutes and replace them with Nelson’s friends, a TON (I’m an alcoholic and I thought it was a lot, it’s still there) of alcohol and a random gay black man… that’s a more accurate picture. Sunday morning was the first time in a long time that I’ve been hung over. I would like to not feel that way again for some time. I was barely able to eat my scrambie eggs at IHOP.

Crazy, but I smell my childhood Christmases. What’s weird is how perfect the picture of that time of year was back when it was still magical.

So, while I was at lunch today I spilled soda on a woman I barely know. Before I could fully apologize I burst into laughter. I believe she accepted my apology.

Shook hands with a big ol’ guy for the first time in years. The only thing that went through my head was “Feels like I’m grabbing a bunch of bananas.” Thank you Jack Black, if it weren’t for Shallow Hal I wouldn’t have such a perfect metaphor. I forgive you for Year One.

(Okay, take a minute to break dance in one spot. Don’t go over the top with it, just let people know that you remember your youth and the parachute pants are only a few steps away.)

TALK is to CHATTER as POO FACTOY is to my dog MAX.

Laugh of the day: Imagine a man with nun chucks that are nothing more than two condoms tied together. What really makes me laugh is that both condoms are “used” so on the initial twirls there is a trail of “trail mix” flying all around him. I haven’t said that out loud but it’s really been tickling me all day. No homo.

Lastly, I would like to share a moment I had earlier…. I call it: Fair? It started with someone describing a scene in Slum dog Millionaire where kids are blinded and sold so people will tip better. Then someone takes the money that is not the blind kid. I’m unfazed, allow me to explain. I was not born to Will Smith. Despite how unfair that is to me, no one cares. I could be on a yacht sipping Capri Sun right now but instead I live a normal life. I hope one day that my child is able to buy a slave and blind him for better tips. That, ladies and gentlemen, is fair. You’re welcome.

Peaces

Sonnet- Silence by Edgar Allan Poe

2009-07-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

There are some qualities- some incorporate things,
That have a double life, which thus is made
A type of that twin entity which springs
From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.
There is a two-fold Silence- sea and shore-
Body and soul. One dwells in lonely places,
Newly with grass o'ergrown; some solemn graces,
Some human memories and tearful lore,
Render him terrorless: his name's "No More."
He is the corporate Silence: dread him not!
No power hath he of evil in himself;
But should some urgent fate (untimely lot!)
Bring thee to meet his shadow (nameless elf,
That haunteth the lone regions where hath trod
No foot of man,) commend thyself to God!

First McNair, now Gatti... where are the grateful women?!

2009-07-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

Been a minute, I apologize but I didn’t really have anything amusing to speak of last week. Now that I’ve got a free moment (of joy) let me pick my (metaphorical) d*ck up off the ground.

I’m not too proud to admit that as of yesterday, 07/13/09, I’ve officially joined the Twitter head nation. My last words to my dying father were “I promise I won’t Twitter papa.” Well I lied, I never called him papa and he’s not even dead. That’s what I’m into now, lying for the sport. Join me…

While hitting on me a woman thought I’d find it cute to make fun of how I talk. First thing, I’m happily smitten with my McFidget (my woman). With that said, even if I were single I don’t find that cute. I used to get offended as a kid when people made fun of my lisp because I honestly couldn’t tell I was doing it, then I couldn’t fix it when they told me. But the way I talk is not something I care to change. There is nothing wrong with slang (Ebonics or whatever you want to call it) but I was raised to speak how I do and have no problem with it. Sometimes, like being stuck in SE, it can play against me but I’ll work through those times. If I didn’t talk like this how would I have coined the phrase “Boo Butta”? Cause butter doesn’t exist in Ebonics. Check the dictionary, it’s not in there.

I wonder if Justin Timberlake is somewhere singing SexyBack like I am… yeah, I bet he is.

What is it about Capri Sun that makes you want to violently attack anyone that puts their hands to close to yours? Is it the Riboflavin? Whatever it is, I want to rob a bank for it one day. “Every body grab some sky! Gimme all that Capri Sun $#!T and nobody has to catch this muthaf*cka!”

Last Tuesday ($#!T I haven’t blogged in awhile) was a blast in Richmond for the Clash. It made me happy, big ups to Jessie Thomas and all the Richmond comics out there on their grizzy. Much love, this is Stank Juice… “out.”

Still figuring out how to manipulate this iPhone, turns out the BJ button on the bottom.

I have the perfect app for star gazing now. I hope it doesn’t lead me to rape finish… rape was the number one deterrent of star gazing in 2005. Followed closely by American Idol, oh 2005.

When I went to the bathroom minutes ago, a man I’ve never spoke to spoke to me. I have my headphones in because I hate casual conversation but I didn’t need to know what he said. He was a stranger. In my mind I slapped him to the ground, which has urine on it, and taught him the error of his whore-ish mouthed ways. In reality I went to the bathroom and washed my hands like any other person… but one day.

Lupe Fiasco has blessed us with a new single, if you’re human and think you like rap go download “Shining Down.” If you’re not sure whether you like rap or not, you are a racist. There, no more letting it slide. I like country, what is your problem with my music?

Yesterday Nelson walked up the stairs to our apartment and saw a 7-year-old child singing “Birthday Sex.” He said frankly “Not my son…” but then I asked if he would prefer to walk in on his son singing “Boom Boom Pow” and he was unsure which is better. The only way to ensure your child is just how you want them is to control every facet of their lives. They’re singing in the shower, you come in drumming. They want to go on a date, you just so happen to need something from their favorite restaurant too. Their pissing, you’re shaking… you get where I’m going with this… You roll down the condom yourself. It’s the only way, if you want to get it right.

I find that you don’t need to say very much to disgust someone. Here; “Guerilla Handjob.” You’re welcome.

Ryan Reynolds is the Green Lantern… I’m not sure how to feel about that. But one thing is for sure… Arturo Gatti didn’t deserve the death he got. Nor did Steve McNair, wtf is happening to women that they need to kill people in their sleep? Do that $#!T mid-stroke.

Oops, I zoned out and had an erection. I’m back now.

I’m going now, but we’ll do this again real soon. Free Willy, yes I mean the movie… it was a f’n classic.

Peaces

I'm Tyler Richardson, and I'm still alive

2009-07-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have come here the past couple of days looking for a Tyler Richardson that was in a car accident this weekend. He must have been popular... I may not have known him but I like his name.

No real blog today, but its back to Richmond tonight to close out the Clash of the Comics. I'm looking forward to 15 minutes of good ol' fashioned line dancing. And comedy... starts at 7:30.

Real blog tomorrow... "Like I told you officer; Yes, that is my condom but that's not my semen in it... I'm being framed for rape."

That's not the real title, but ah the imaginations soared didn't they?

Peaces

The adventures of a racist spider named Claus

2009-06-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

November 17th 2004- Wilbur the pig was killed today. Since Charlotte died I have tried to console him… and find nourishment in her corpse. The pig was weak and could barely stand the sight of me picking the meat from her “bones.” He will be missed, until the pulled pork luncheon the farmer has planned tomorrow night. Oh Wilbur, I hope you don’t taste like your Buddhist views, because I’m Methodist.

April 13th 2006- Today I spit on a Hispanic… then I bit his 11-year-old wife.

March 11th 2003- Today I caught the biggest fly I’ve seen in a long time. I was so excited that I couldn’t even eat it right away. For hours I sat and spoke to the creature I would soon consume. His name was Wally. We spoke of his family, he pleaded for his life, we spoke of politics, sports and women. Don’t get me wrong, any chance that Wally got to plea for his life he would come right back to it, but I was moved. I’d always looked at things that land in my webs as food or rape food but never took the time to see how they lived. Wally offered many interesting new point of views and I felt like I could listen to him talk forever… then I drained him because it was 11:47 AM and I grew hungry. His name was Wally…

September 3rd 2005- I saw my best friend get killed while we were walking through a bad area… of the kitchen. Little girl sees us, we see the girl, then she’s screaming and slamming a newspaper up and down. She caught Fred pretty good, poor bastard never even tried to move. Humans are the deadliest creatures known to man yet we get killed while out for a stroll. Even though he was a mook, he deserved better than that.

September 4th 2005- I crept in the kid’s mouth and $#!T all over the place. For you Fred…

July 1st 2008- There are an awful lot of black people outside today.

May 21st 2007- Recently moved toward the upper east side of town. Where the pee stained streets have been sprayed with cologne, hookers know how to whisper and meth heads still say “Good Morning!” Less of the Chinese and a lot more Indians that didn’t fight cowboys out here. I’ll live.

January 1st 2003- I hear a bunch of black guys saying “Happy new year my N!gg@s!” Apparently, that is not cool for me to say without being black. Don’t they know how many Richard Pryor DVDs I’ve purchased? I earned it.

March 24th 2006- Went to an amusement park in one of the boy’s pockets. I found nothing amusing about that place or the horrific rides it houses. I may never feel joy again.

February 20th 2007- Whomever said that “You are what you eat” ate sh!t, cause they were full of it. A fat woman was enjoying a sprinkle doughnut when I bit her. She tasted like a screaming fat woman… no sprinkles or icing.

October 13th 2005- Paris Hilton is attractive; I do not see why the humans think so because she is clearly a spider… hmm.

December 25th 2008- Prayer: “Dear Spider God, please bring everyone that I know and care for, Paris Hilton, remain safe and blessed. Let my enemies have their eyes and testicles taken from them… Jews, and lastly I need one big favor. I know that I don’t work, but how am I ever going to get a job when you let the freakin Hispanics have all of the “miscellaneous” work? Please let them have their own country where they can roam free, like Canada, and let us have this small strip of Alabama for our own. Amen.”

June 30th 2009- Sarah got pregnant, if that cheating scorpion thinks she can dope me into raising someone other spider’s clan she’s got another thing coming… (gun goes off)

Claus’ last will and testament:
I don’t have much to give but I do want to ask that I not be buried around too many blacks. I don’t want God to glance over me while looking for his children because I was standing in the shadow.

A lil laughter mixed with love...

2009-06-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will dedicate much time to make myself (and hopefully at least a couple of you guys) laugh with a new blogerito. Today, I'm psyched that I've booked some comedy for the next couple of months and have even been writing a lil' bit... oh no, next he'll be going out to open mics again. July is the end of my laziness, I've soaked in my couch for a little while and need to stretch my penis... legs, I meant legs, again. Til we get around to "Adventures of a racist spider named Claus" (tomorrow, just dream of what that could turn into... mmm fudge cake) I leave you all with more thoughts pulled straight from my head....

This poem makes me think of my special someone (not the iPhone, though after Ms. C and my dog Max it's a close third):

Love Explanation by Melissa Sterner

"What is love?" you ask

It's a feeling in both mind and body

A passion, a chemistry one might say

Longing to be near, close,

Long talks about nothing,

Laughter and sharing

Eyes filled with devotion,

Not wanting to imagine life without the other,

Doing nothing together and having the best time.

Well, I think, you know the answer already

Listen to your heart with open ears

You will hear the answer...it is very clear.

Tomorrow: a real blog...

Laters

When Tyler met iPhone....

2009-06-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

I know you guys couldn't be there when I finally got my iPhone, but I'd like you to imagine me walking out of the store looking the people still in line in the eyes. And, I reach in the bag, let the Cha Cha Slide begin!

This time we're gonna get funky (funky)
Everybody clap your hands
Clap clap clap clap your hands
Clap clap clap clap your hands
Alright we gonna do the basic steps
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha cha real smooth
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha cha now y'all
Last time to get funky
To the right now
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time, one hop this time
Right foot two stomps
Left foot two stomps
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Criss cross, criss cross
Cha cha real smooth
Lets go to work
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Two hops this time, two hops this time
Right foot two stomps
Left foot two stomps
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees
Get funky with it
Ooooooooh yeah (come on)
Cha cha now y'all
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Five hops this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Right foot again
Left foot again
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
FREEEZE
Everybody clap your hands(Come on y'all)
(Check it out y'all)How low can you go?
Can you go down low?
All the way to the floor
How low can you go?
Can you bring it to the top?
Like you never never stop?
Can you bring it to the top, one hop
Right foot now
Left foot now y'all
Cha cha real smooth
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
One hop this time
Reverse (reverse)
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Reverse, reverse
Reverse, reverse
Cha cha now y'all, cha cha again
Cha cha now y'all, cha cha again
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Two hops two hops
Two hops two hops
Right foot lets stomp
left foot let stomp
Charlie brown
Hop it out now
Slide to the right
Slide to the left
Take it back now y'all
Cha cha now y'all
Oooh yeah mmm, yeah do that stuff oooh yeah I'm out y'all peace!

Wash that condom out... recycle baby.

2009-06-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I keep having the same idea for convincing my sister not to put any thought into intercourse: make her watch porn featuring me. The sneak attack is what I would use, don’t want her agreeing to watch my stroke… that’s disgusting. But a simple “Hey, check out this clip from That’s So Raven…” and I’ll have her doped. As soon as I hit play there is body paint, toe sucking’, ass slapping, blasphemy, oral, choking, gagging, more oral and as always the high five during doggy that is now trademarked into all of my films. I’ll scare her away because once she realizes that what she witnessed was just scratching the surface of a man’s creative and sexual mind she’ll need to study. Or make sure she’s in love first. Plus I’ll threaten her…

Today I’m going to the DMV. There’s nothing funny about that.

Well iPhone users (soon to be brothers and sisters), today the OS 3.0 went live, let the downloading begin.

The other day I had a terrible case of “Spicy Twice” (spicy going in, extra spicy coming out) but experienced rape-ish pain for the first time in my life. I questioned if I would make it in to work the next morning because it rocked me that bad. I was unable to wipe so I stood there clenching and switching tissue. All I could think was “is this what it feels like when you wake up in prison and just know you’ve been raped?”

The kid who murdered his family because they took away his Halo 3 privileges received a life sentence. Thank God, crazy people like that give video gamers a bad name and he would’ve killed anyway. Whether it was because his wife cheated or someone smudged his Puma, maybe just because it was a Tuesday, he was a killer. Let the animals in prison make love to him until he is sane.

Whenever I think of Will Smith’s son playing the lead in the Karate Kid remake it really stabs a part of my childhood. Cute kid, but I’d rather they made 50 year old Ralph Macchio look like a young twenty-something again. Let the ghost of Pat Mortia play Mr. Myagi… oh Jackie Chan. Where is Jet Li when you need him?

I enjoy seeing at what point during a Lil Wayne song my family will decide they have heard enough. For my mother last night the song was his Drought 3 remix of Upgrade You. My mother made it to “If you don’t like it n*gga f*ck you no Vaseline!” before she began reaching and saying “Okay now, turn it off.” Oh Weezy, you devil…

Sleeping… gorilla hand job… no wait, fat woman dream where all of the creases make a sexual sound whilst I get it on. Mmm, oh no, heres the poo- “ding”. Dynamite!

Lastly, in the short wick of this blog candle allow me to show you a reason why on Friday I will $#!T… with joy: http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10266380-1.html?tag=rb_content;tabbedPromoUnitHolder Let the feast begin!

Peaces

Letters that never made it...

2009-06-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

For the first seven years of my life I thought you were a deranged woman that kidnapped me. I just didn't see a resemblance. Love your baby boy.

Dear Captain Crunch,

What happened to the Soggies? Every time you turned around they were messing things up for you and then suddenly... they got jobs? I'm not saying that they didn't deserve whatever they got, but did they have children? You're a monster.

Mr. French Toast Crunch Chef,

You thought you were slick; Where are your brothers that have been MIA for the better part of 15 years? If Snap suddenly lost Crackle and Pop people would ask questions but somehow you swerved around that. I want $15K underneath the oak with a hobo from Laos sleeping beneath it. Next Friday, noon, unmarked bills. "Don't f*ck with me Chef."

Dear Britney Spears,

Please wear socks. You've got a lot of dance moves, unfortunately dancing puts a strain on the toe game. P.S.- I saw you naked on the Internet the other day... gross.

Dear Scott,

You whispered something to me yesterday in class and your breathe smelled so strongly of $#!T that you made my eyes water. Show some self respect, it's smelled you ate a Snickers bar made of $#!T. And, I still need to borrow the homework for science, later.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Though I tell people that you are gay, I'm secretly a huge fan. I know all of the moves to your songs, one day I think we should go to a karaoke bar. No homo...

Dear T-Mobile,

We only have four more days together. It's been a hell of a ride these past four years. You were just a big breasted red-head when we met and now you've blossomed into the trailer trash hottie I always knew you would be. I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just spit it out... I've found someone else. She's not as pretty as you, but to me she has the most beautiful smile in the world. Her name? iPhone, I don't believe you know her. We're moving to AT&T on Friday once she's gotten her new rhinoplasty. I'm sorry... I'm in love. One day you'll understand. Goodbye.

Dear National Football League,

As a Virginian I would like to request that we have our own team. I've written this same letter to the other professional sports leagues in hopes that someone will have compassion. What kind of choice have you left us with? Cheer for the Redskins?! Come the F*ck on! Please.

Dear Mr. Penis,

Yesterday you made English class pretty uncomfortable. When it is time to speak in front of the class I would appreciate it if you would just stand behind me. I think you get more than enough attention when we get off of school in the afternoon.

Dear Santa Claus,

For the third straight year you have cheaped out and given me much less than the $1 Million Dollars I have asked for. Go F*ck yourself, I was good the entire year. Can Will Smith's son say that?!

Alright, well I'm off... til we do this dance again...

Peaces

If I had to guess I'd say your finger smells like cat penis... Am I right?

2009-06-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lately life has felt way too busy, but sadly I’ve been slacking more the past few weeks than I have in a long time. But I’ve written a couple of new bits and am eager to see if it can make a fat man laugh or not. Cause that’s what I’m after, that chubby love.

Today I saw a disabled (definitely mentally, slightly physically) man at a bus stop. I see this man virtually everyday on the drive in. Everyday I avert my eyes because I don’t want to be rude. Today I stopped at a light practically right in front of him. I didn’t look away today. Instead I watched more than I should have. I watched as he turned around so the car right in front of him couldn’t see him. I watched him talk nervously to himself like I do when a situation is awkward. I became sad, not necessarily for him but because it could’ve been anyone. No joke there, just reflecting out loud. Never take the situation you have for granted, someone else might not think it’s that bad.

I could really go for some fried chicken.

I’ve set up my new AT&T wireless plan, I’ve reserved my new iPhone 3G S and I’m fully erect. Bring on June 19th!

My girlfriend thinks I have an Asian fetish. That’s the nicest compliment I’ve received in a long time, cause I am not attractive enough to have a preference. We uglies, we take what we can get, much love to all my mustache shorties.

Nelson and I have a couple of (what we think are) great ideas for the next Riding with Strangers webisodes. Keep your dongs crossed that we get off our lazy arses and do something.

I remember liking the Addams Family a lot as a kid, ah to be young and have no taste. Christopher Lloyd will always be the man though. Bless you sir, and next time you take a journey through time take me with you.

A grown man who has a Soulja Boy Tell’em Ring back is clearly not ready to grow up yet. “And Peter Pan told Tinkerbell to sprinkle magic dust on Jerome and he took off toward Never Never Land. And that’s how black people came to our island…” – Random Lost Boy

The fact that people still have to fax things boggles my mind, scan that $#!T on a computer baby… that’s so 2001.

Sometimes it feels good to go back to an old whore. I’ve abandoned DirectTv for Comcast and it feels good. It feels familiar, and I don’t care how many my friends it f*cked, let people say “it’s loose” or “it gave me herpes.” Why can’t they just be happy for us?

Right now T.I. is probably thinking “I’m rich, what the f*ck am I doing $#!TTING in this prison bathroom?”

Does anyone remember Chris Brown is a woman biter? Just making sure, cause he’s going to have a hit single soon… “Hit single” oh, that’s good.

While on the elevator an older white man spoke to me, just to clear things up “HE IS A STRANGER.” I’m pretty sure that when he exhaled during our conversation a booger went flying towards my feet. That is why you don’t speak to strangers, you have no idea what’s going through their head while you speak to them. I honestly don’t even remember what we talked about.

I went to Dave and Buster’s with my family last Saturday. Despite thinking that we have nothing in common, we bonded over the Tiger Woods version of Golden Tee. Good times. Speaking of which, my mom told me for her birthday today she was going to hang out at a gym and pick up 20 year-old-men. There's nothing funny about a man younger than me somehow diddling my mommy. Plus, it's impossible... she doesn't have a vagina. Both my sister and I are miracles, because she's a saint.

There is a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (from Iron Man 2). Call me nuts but it looks like somebody just said “Let’s have Iron Man face Mickey Rourke!” But it will be awesome… yes Lord.

Gotta run, I’ve spent too much time looking at the hundreds of accessories I’m buying to go with my new iPhone and there’s no time for this blog-a-ma-jig.

Peaces

It's only been a week, are you sure the kid's mine?

2009-06-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

It’s a beautiful rainy summer day. Allow me to cool you with a poem. I think I’ll call it… Boo Butta wit(h) Chee(se). Let’s begin…

I cannot recall my first lullaby
Or my first time bowling on Wii
But I sing all day long and bowl like a God
I’m hopped up on Boo Butta wit Chee
I’ve danced with a fatty from pity
And stabbed a hobo for glee
Sure the skinny girls look and they judge me
But they’re all just Boo Butta wit Chee
On Mondays I generally zone out
On Fridays I pee ate Charles’ feet
I don’t blame that just plain don’t get me
As I eat my Boo Butta wit Chee
You can scoop it up with a ladel
You stir for your favorite iced tea
But if Boo Butta came with a side “thing”
I’d ask for mine served with Swiss Cheese
Santa can’t have the elves make it
And Satan just ain’t got a clue
Cause the truth is for best Boo Butta
You gon’ need some Ooo Butta too
Midgets beat rocks with their toenails
And smoke crack through a hole in ice cubes
Cause Boo Butta is definitely off limits
For people shorter than 5’2
In prison they rape for its nectar
In jail they make love for its dew
Cause with Boo Butta pumping inside of tookus
Prison can be paradise too
Imaginary Doris can’t stand it
Cause the children grow up with one spoon
The Boo Butta deepens their voices
And puts mayo all over their pubes
Boo Butta with Chee is a lifestyle
Like “Fruit at the bottom, or stirred?”
If someone dare say that its nonsense
They should be slapped to the ground with a bird
Boo Butta had a fling with a hooker
And the d*ckskin condom broke
She took the child off to the Netherlands
Which broke ol’ man Boo Buttas heart
You see, Boo Butta is more than a movement
It’s a person with eyes and wings
So the next time that you get a chance to
Pour some Boo Butta all over me.

It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s beautiful, just listen to your genitals. What do they say? It’s okay, mine are a little soaked too. Mmmm, I’m drinking orange soda. Don’t let that distract you from the Boo Butta-ish thoughts running through your head right now. I just wanted you to know that I’m drinking orange soda because it’s delicious.

I’m in Richmond again next month (holy $#!T it’s been a while) and can’t wait. I’ll share one of many quotes my friend Jesse dropped on me yesterday: “Oh, the NBC stand up for diversity is back up and running huh? (he’s white) What if I said I was gay, made it in, then said I was cured?” And just for the fun of it, here’s another gem “Damn, she’s cute for a skinny girl.” That last one was courtesy of Travis Charles (Richmond comic) but told to me by Jesse.

Atif beat me many times in UFC. Don’t worry, I’ve been training… I must break him.

Disney-Pixar’s Up is a BJ that will leave you glued to your chair because of how much semen it is able to make you produce. I didn’t even mind being all sticky and covered in ectoplasm because it was that good.

I thought of something that was making me laugh on Friday that I began passing to anyone I thought might laugh. Basically, I was laughing at the thought of a young man in a chair being tortured… by a gorilla hand job. Imagine the rage in every jerk, the innocence in the gorilla (let’s call it Barry for the rest of this paragraph) eye’s and most importantly, the violence. He would get about 15 jerks in (or less, ouch) and snatch that thing off and start hitting the walls and even the man with in. The he would eat it, what? They’re cannibals, and that is in fact meat. D!ckmeat.

I must go and finish this “work” that I’m paid to do, don’t missed. Miss my Boo Butta….

Peaces.

Wednesdays never seemed so sweet, I wonder if they're gay...

2009-05-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

When I looked really closely at a duck near work I felt something. I’m not Buddhist, nor do I believe in reincarnation (fully, part of me wants to hope I can come back and do it again if I’ve been a good boy) but when I looked in his eyes I felt him saying “F*ck you, why am I a duck?” Then he swam off to the other side of the pond.

Why did Looney Tunes make the idea of slapping people so appealing? It doesn’t matter who I’m talking to (except my girlfriend… wink) I would find it incredibly amusing to slap them back to the moment they first burst from the womb mid-sentence. Of course I’ll give you an example:
(a man is at a urinal when another man approaches the urinal beside him)
1: Hey Peter.
2: (Good Morning) Dan.
1: Say, did you see the new intern?
2: Oh, she was dynamite!
1: Pow! Right?
2: (SLAPS THE EVER LOVING SWEET TASTE OF MAMA’S HOMEMADE PIES WITH CHERRY ON TOP OUT OF MAN #1’S CRAW WITH D*CK STILL DANGLING CAUSE THERE WAS NO TIME TO ZIP…*takes a breath*… CAUSE IF THE TIMING WASN’T FLAWLESS THEN WHY THE F*CK WOULD HE SLAP THE BLACK OFF HIS ITALIAN FRIEND MAN #1? )End.

Whew, now where were we? Ah, nowhere. Moving right along then (oh that reminds me to watch the Muppet Movie next chance I get).

Yesterday I sat down and watched Loaded on FUSE. How long does it take for people to get over beating a young pop singer until she is damn near unrecognizable? The answer: 107 days. The Grammy’s were February 08, 2009.

Squidish Love Pocket, there I’m glad I’ve got that out of my system.

Terminator Salvation kicked more ass than the Asskickatron 9000, which was built by the finest asskickphysicians, designed for style. Just remember it’s the Terminator. People keep talking to me about it like they went in expecting Pride and Prejudice and were bombarded with explosions and testosterone. Go expecting to pay more than you should to sit in an unsanitized seat. Plan on buying a soda but get the Icee because that is liquid crack. Get some nachos because you’re cheap and don’t want to experiment on the pizzas that AMC is now selling for some d*ck suck worthy price. Go grab a seat by some fat man and your good buddy ____. You’ll see some good previews, some that make you smile and whisper “I think the fat man next to me passed gas… but that trailer looks good too.” Other trailers will make you soft. And by the time the credits roll you’ll be holding a fist full o’ big black nuts wondering why you didn’t go to the bathroom during the movie. You’ll know why, because if you moved you might have missed a stern face, a Christian Bale superstar close-up or a boob… there were no boobs for those that will purchase a ticket to see one. Side note: Will Nelson and I peed, a man came up behind him and didn’t wait for him to be finished before he unbuckled and began to “unsheathe his sword.” The look on Nelson’s face was priceless, the look on mine… satisfaction. Damn that was a good movie.

Earlier this morning I had a discussion, I’d forgotten how compassionate women can be so the conversation was cut off at the knees. Rather than go on a tangent forever I’ll just leave you with a thought: I little girl has just died from a tragic accident. You are the doctor who has the task of telling her family that she is gone. Before you head out the door you glance at the name… Exodus Tyson. You look out the door and see that Mike Tyson is awaiting the news. How much do you $#!T yourself? I would personally rather wrestle with a Tiger. Nuff’ said.

It was a shorty (blog-wise) type day. Hopefully I’ll have more stuff and Lord knows I kinda feel like performing this week(gasp, I better write a joke or two).

Peaces

An Interview with a vampire...

2009-05-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I appreciate the folks searching Tyler Richardson blog or whatever is getting you here now that I’m no longer on the blog roll list-a-majig on DCStandup.com (see, I still show him love… I’m growing up). Now let’s get to a much needed dose of insanity that we’ve so sorely lacked the past week shall we? An interview with a vampire… name Rudolph.

Interviewer: Hello, may we start the interview with your name?
Vampire: My name is Rudolph…Rudolph Hidalgo… it’s popular among Bulgarian whores. And that is what my mother did. She was a mistress of the night. My name is Rudolph.
Interview: Umm… mkay. Rudolph…
R: Hidalgo.
I: Would you prefer I said the whole thing together.
R: No.
I: M’kay… well…
R: I hunger.
I: I don’t know what to say to that, I have Subway in my bag but I don’t you like the chicken parm.
R: Too sweet.
I: You’ve tried it?
R: No, but I trust everything Hell’s Kitchen has ever said. Reality television makes me ooze.
I: I’d love to get to my first question, not to interrupt.
R: But you did.
I: …
R.: The question, give it to me.
I: How old are you?
R: When George Washington went off to fight in your war, I dusted off his wife’s pu-nay-nay.
I: Oh.
R: Do you know what I mean? Some call it pudding. I’ve even heard it referred to as muff or clam.
I: I think we’re on the same page.
R: Squidish love pocket. That’s my favorite.
I: … I don’t think I’ve ever heard it called that before.
R: I’m 517 years old on May 15, 2001.
I: So, you’re 525.
R: I love the foreplay of mathematics.
I: Is it warmer in this room than you thought it would be? I’m boiling, and please take no offense, but I’m not taking off any layers with a vampire in the room.
R: No offense could be taken from a Jew.
I: Wow.
R: What, did I touch a nerve?
I: That anti-semite remark just came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. You, of course know that I’m not Jewish....
R: Really?… well that curlish man-fro you’ve got there and the stink of Auschwitz all over you... I was fooled.
I: My God…
R: Why don’t you ask me something unexpected?
I: Okay, when is the last time you wept?
R: Yesterday.
I: Care to tell me why?
R: First give me a food that you would compare to the taste of your lover’s crotch… like say a pomegranate?
I: That’s personal.
R: Well so is why I wept.
I: That’s fair…
R: I saw a white man with a black woman.
I: I’m sorry, what?
R: I saw a white man with a black woman and all I could think was “He don’t even know what to do wit all dat. Let a real n*gga have a taste.”
I: You’re white.
R: I know.
I: *cough* This is weird, so let me just wrap this whole thing up…
R: Consider it wrapped.
I: Even that was weird.
R: No weirder than watching me make love.
I: M’kay, well… would you say that the life of a vampire is a lonely endless walk through time, completely lacking any real emotional contact?
R: Or?
I: Or nothing, I just wanted to take a shot there. My wife is black.
R: Oh, may I see a picture?
I: I don’t think so. I feel like I should just go. Is that alright?
R: Of course; Before you leave, would you mind helping me move this cabinet. Without friends tasks like these are a bit difficult.
I: Okay… (after moving) I hate to ruin my chances but are you really going to let me go? You’ve been pretty awkward and everything in my tingles of rape…
R: I don’t eat Jews Adam.
I: I’m not Jewish… hey, I never told you my name…
R: Didn’t need to, I’ve been around long enough to do some homework before welcoming you into my home. To be honest I had every intention of sucking the life out of you up until 2 PM this after noon.
I: What happened then? I was still at work.
R: You didn’t wash your hands after you clearly spilled urine on them. That’s just gross Adam, that’s just gross. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to burn the chair you sat in.

THE END

Well, until tomorrow’s blog (I promise) I’ve gotta run. I don’t know why but I have “I Want You Back” by NSYNC stuck in my head.

Peaces

Real friends pack extra ruffies...

2009-05-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

*Friday’s Posting will start, then we’ll finish with today’s because I’m lazy and you deserve it.*

It could be due to how tired I am right now, but for some reason I really to get a piggyback ride for the rest of the day. “Sherman, I’m hungry… to Chicago.” For those with an active imagination, don’t picture Sherman as a huge man. Instead, picture a man half my size, because it tickles me. Very similar to how sometimes I’ll try to Boogie board on my dog Max, who is all of 9 lbs.

Mission Accomplished: My woman said “Boo Butter.” And, it felt… phenomenal.

I believe that someday time travel will be possible. How else would someone know they could actually make money by selling products such as “Tic Tac Toss, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Don’t Wake Daddy and THE Slip and Slide”?

Dear SonicBids,

You almost made me cry yesterday because you wouldn’t let me upload a video of me doing the Macarena. Good news though, I found a way and the new Internet sensation will be born. Black guy does other people’s dances is coming at ya. Next week: The Charleston.

Tomato soup is nothing more than a bowl of the devil’s tears.

After watching (a day late, but I kept to myself yesterday) the LOST two hour season finale last night I went outside and picked up the biggest rock I could. I was so overcome with excitement that I bludgeoned the first person I saw to death. It was that f***ing good!

There may not be anything about rape (giggity) but there is plenty of humor in watching someone with a baby in there hands fall. It’s just funny…

Listening to A Milli always make me hate being at work. I’m not sure what correlation they have with each other but I feel like it’s because it makes me want to dance… and get violent.

While talking about ethics “and things” with Sean Paul yesterday, we concluded that All That was a terrible show. Speaking of Mr. Ellis, his show is tonight at 7:45 tonight at the Comedy Spot… be there or be dead.

*Fast Forward to Tuesday, May 19, 2009 aka Malcolm X’s birthday*

Today I turned 26, and now that it’s a reality I don’t mind getting over the “20 something” halfway marker. Here’s to the next year…

Jack Bauer kicked so much ass on last night's 24 season finale it hurts to $#!T. Bless you Keifer Sutherland, the video of you trying to stop that Christmas tree from attacking Brooke Shields still makes me laugh. But if you say I need to attack a bear with you, then a bear is catching a foot to the nads. 143 Keifer, 143...

I really don’t have much today… just happy. Thanks to everyone that wished a happy b-day and tomorrow I will try to have something worthwhile to speak of.

Peaces

Nah son, that's my condom, see the skin in it?

2009-05-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

It’s Wednesday, we’re halfway through the week so let’s start with a list of random things that make me laugh:

The Blue Oyster Bar song from Police Academy. When the trumpet first hits and the cadet looks into the eyes and mustache of the biker he’s dancing with… well, you can feel the love tonight.

Dirty Dancing; I grind my hips against my mother more when I kiss her good-bye. That ain’t dirty. But oh Patrick Swayze, you’ve still got it… cancer and all, you’ve got rhythm.

This quote from The Ringer (you know the Johnny Knoxville movie) “Do it again and you'll be admiring my butt from the pavement with a straw.” I bought that movie on Sunday afternoon just because of that quote.

Yesterday at lunch my friend Christian and I went back and forth on whether a man (who is CLEARLY GAY) is gay or not. Every time I made a point Christian would point out that he did something or wore something just like what I was pointing out. The more flamboyant my examples the harder I laughed when he was like “I’m sitting with my ankles crossed right now… I put a fork up just like that… I have glasses that look like that too!” He is a big dude but I couldn’t help laughing in his face.

Sounds like the woman next to me isn’t covering her mouth when she sneezes… oops, there’s nothing funny about that, sigh. SWINE.

When Jared goes to heaven, do you think he can stop shamelessly plugging Subway? Honestly, I feel like the afterlife clause is in the fine print… J

While getting breakfast I got to use any angry black man phrase. A Latina began describing something to me and I was completely confused about why she was talking to me. She was a stranger. Then she smiles and says “Oh sorry, I meant him.” When I turned it was a man named Geoffrey (pronounced G-off-ri)… this man looks nothing like me. About 4 minutes later she smiled and apologized because of the mix-up. I casually said “It’s cool I understand, we’re both black.” Then I walked away without a smile or attitude, as though I had just told her the time “It’s 4:15.” It felt f***ing sweet. I think I may have just looked like a dick to everyone around me though… oh well.

The word “Marmalade”.

Karate Jesus… nuff said.

Singing the Gummi Bears theme song as a 25 (OMG I’m 26 next Tuesday) year old man.

This was a shorty, but perhaps tomorrow there will be something of substance… probably not though.

Peaces

It was a fun weekend...

2009-05-11T04:35:00.000-07:00

Well, what can I say about the weekend that isn’t summed up by the photo above. Courtney brought the funny, and was black. I tried not to ruin the flow of the evening… and was also black. Eric Schwartz was really cool and I always respect someone that can kill and stay clean… and he was bald. Thought I was going to say something else didn’t you? I’m as unpredictable as a Chipotle $#!T.

Today I was making a joke to a couple of friends about a dead co-worker’s fiancé… I’ll spare the details but it was hilarious (oh, my soul hurts). Anyway, we came around a corner on the complete opposite side of the building and were face to face with said co-worker… everyone stopped laughing and that was a dead give away. I’m not proud of everything I do and say, but I can’t change who I am. Love me…

I’ve had that Sinead O’Connor song “Nothing compares to you” stuck in my head for the better part of 48 hours. So this is what hell is like, damn these… (what are they called again? Oh yeah) emotions.

I’m happy to announce that my system is completely clean of any badness (use your imagination… and no, I’m not on crack, sadly that was my mother’s first guess when I was 19). I’m running for mayor…

Dear Murray’s Hair Grease person,

My name is Tyler Richardson and would like to take a moment of your time. First, let me say “thank you.” It was not until I met a man whose waves made me so jealous I had to sit him down and pluck his brain (and waves) to find out how I could be beautiful too that I knew you’re sweet touch. But, once I’d lathered up my palms full of your sweet nectar, I knew that I’d never use Sportin’ Waves again. Before your hair gel I was 5’1, 98 lbs. and had never kissed a woman. Now that I am beautiful and “silky smooth”( – The Zohan) I’m 7’3, 875 lbs. and get so much p*ssy even my mother calls me “Mo B*tches.” I have you to thank for that. I was being mugged the other night and when they stuck the gun in my back I spun around and grease flew of my waves and blinded the would-be thugs. I kept my favorite wallet full of my nice credit cards and that hooligan will never see again, at least according to the doctors. Plus, I kicked the $#!T out of his nuts for pointing a gun at me, you know I keep it real gangsta. Anyway, I don’t wanna pole jock too hard or nuffin’, see how my slang has improved thanks to your grease, so I’m a bounce. Thanks again, and stop snitchin’. One

Gangsta Jesus… Nelson’s going to draw it and I’m going to wear the shirt because the image is too hilarious for me to describe. Remember, God created humor… he’s got one too.

For any readers with T-Mobile, do not buy their Equipment Protection Plan. After many conversations and wasted energy I found out that even though I’ve paid for that for the past four years… it is in fact wallet rape. They took my money with a promise to love me. Then when I told them my phone is acting funny, they give me the run around with talk of a “claim” and wanted me to install my own trackball (for those without a BlackBerry, it’s important). Now I know how an innocent young woman feels when she goes out with a sweet guy who turns into Chester the Molester. T-Mobile asked me kindly to open my wallet, and when I did, they placed their penis in it and starting ramming without a care. They didn’t care how much it hurt, that I needed lube or that I have a new boyfriend named AT&T who is going to treat me a lot better shortly. And what really hurts is that I loved them. T-Mobile, you broke my heart. I’m going to get my new boyfriend to slit your tires.

Atif, I’m excited that you finally have Gears 2, sorry I got so busy this weekend. But perhaps tonight after I see my babycakes or tomorrow night where I finally get to come straight home and chillax I can give you a tour. Practice up Atif, we go to war… and in war there is no such thing as a condom. That doesn’t make sense, but you know what I mean… it’s gonna be fun.

When I took my momula (mother) and grannyikens (grandma) out to a Japanese steakhouse I felt good. I greeted them with roses and got big hugs and kisses. How did my mother repay me? After I said “Order whatever you like” I proceeded to get the most expensive meal in the joint. When the chef (I hope that’s what we call the men who entertain, it’d be weird to call them a fry cook) put my first piece of LOBSTER on my plate my mother came quickly for it with a fork. Bare in mind that she too could’ve had the lobster if she chose. I controlled my selfish ways, cause she of all people knows that eating off my plate is outlawed. But then she turned to my 13 year-old-non pregnant sister who for some reason was at our Mother’s Day dinner, and said “Mmm, you have got to try some of this lobster.” I don’t recall exactly what I whispered, but let’s say it had the same effect as me standing on the table and urinating over my food to show territory. No more forks came round my plate on that night. Sorry to be so vulgar, but the lobster was good, and she ate it. Sigh, the life of a selfish man is no easy one.

Poop… there, I said it. It’s still funny to me.

Hey Huntsville, AL: 1 year, I still feel like I could pick up the phone and call him. Weird, that’s really all that I can say. I still think about him all the time though. I look at his cell phone number every time I get ready to call my grandma. I’m glad you still read, it reminds me of him the same way reading might remind you.

Alright everyone, I’m going to get some work done.

Peaces

The man, the myth... Atif?

2009-05-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse this Friday and Saturday at 9:45 PM! With Courtney Fearrington, Tyler Richardson and headliner Eric Schwartz! It’s gonna be fun, treat yourself…

And with that plug for the weekend, let’s get to the nitty grit. The story of Atif Myers, or “The Beast-Man Cometh”

In a time before jeans, when men roamed the earth with nothing but a mane of pubic hair to keep their legs warm, there was a man. Some said this man wrestled a cheetah to the ground, others insist it was a newborn cheetah cub that was still blind from infancy. One thing was for certain, there were cheetah drumlets for dinner once he’d laid the beast down. Who was this creature-man? To explain him we must peek through the beard of Zeus and tip toe past the childlike smile that whispers “Cinnamon.” Let me tell you how I came to know, befriend and ultimately encase in Carbonate… Atif Myers. I was walking through “the town” and was accosted by some hooligans set to make trouble. I was surrounded and without money, this meant an execution. As the circled swinging various sharp things I heard the battle cry that still rings out like thunder in my memory “No, you black son of a b*tch!” On the biggest mutant chicken I’d ever seen was a man whose beard completely clothed him. This was a hot day and the dew made it glisten so. He looked me in the eye and then pulled out a gigantic gun and starting pumping round after round into those evil doers eyes and faces. With each shot he laughed harder and harder, oh how his beard shook. I was of course soaked in urination because he didn’t appear to aim, just fire madly with his eyes closing from the laughter. But only one shot caught me in the genitals. Don’t worry, I’ve got the other one, I’m good. After he’d sent them back to “rapequarters”, which I’m pretty sure was his version of hell, he invited me to come ride the mutant chicken and he’d drop me off where it was safe. But I had no home, I would be safer to stay with him… and his big ass gun. He never seemed to eat, I only saw him chew the ends of his beard and stare angrily towards the sun. He told me that the sun taunted him and called him names. He used to swear at it for hours on end and try to throw things at it. I chalked most of that up to dementia from the heat. With a beard like that he must have been in a 130 room at all times. That will make you go crazy. But he saved my life, I’d be sane enough for the both of us. After a few months he told me he wasn’t black. He’d said the “N” word so much that I just assumed he was, after that news I asked him to refrain from using it unless the rap lyrics specifically asked for it. He agreed, and shot his own leg to say he was sorry. Atif never changed clothes, and to be honest I’m not sure if he ever had clothes on in that beard bubble. I thought I saw a sleeve to shirt, but then he pulled on it and it was a ribbon from somebody’s Christmas. There was no telling when it made it’s way into the beard, or how long it had been trying to work it’s way out. Since he was not Christian he pulled it out and stepped on it. But when he did the dance of pivoting on the balls of his feet to laugh at stepping on it, something happened. I saw a tear from the beard… I mean his eye. He was sorry; that was the day I realized there was something else under that beard… a heart. The only time I heard him lie when was I told him about my old Duck Hunt score and he said “Oh… oh yeah, well… I got a perfect score in Duck Hunt the first time I ever played it.” That’s impossible, but I still respected him. He was my hero. Why did I betray him you be asking… well, as with all great stories it was out of fear. Because of his great accomplishments I feared that one day he might destroy the world, he certainly had the power to do so in just his left nipple. So one morning while sharpening his nipples with an arrow I came from behind and blew his brains straight through his skull. I was heartbroken about killing my idol. I cooked up a good steak and took a walk while his body chilled in my freezer. There was only one solution, I gathered up all the bits of brain and skull and put them back in his skull. Oh, I threw up quite a bit that day, especially when the bowels released. But after all the gizzards and “what not” were back in, I sewed that b*tch back up and he was almost good as new. To this day there is no way to bring a corpse back to like but that is the day he’ll open his eyes and escape from “rapequarters.” I hope that when they bring that Frankenstein monster of a man back to life I can look him in the eyes and whisper “you did this to you.” Then blow my brains out all over him and embrace Satan in the long semen soaked clench of death.

Whew, that took a morbid turn huh? No matter, Atif now I don’t feel sorry anymore. I want a story like that to be whittled onto my grave someday. You’re welcome.

Everyone have a great freakend and if I don’t see you… I’ll see you.

Peaces

Tonight, Drafthouse. This Weekend... Drafthouse. A full weekend's supply of vitamin TRich!

2009-05-07T06:43:00.001-07:00

It’s no ordinary Hersday (Thursday for those uninitiated), because today is the anniversary of my fight with the legendary red goat. Many of you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, allow me to explain. There is was in the middle of a good jerk (what, am I the only one that saves the load for Thursdays?) and I heard a commotion outside my window. Ordinarily when I hear the children outside fighting or just being hoodlums I turn up the volume on my snuff tape so I can stay in the mood. But on this day I decided to take a peek out the window. Their childlike screams were too loud to ignore and a woman’s moan interrupted by the screams of children makes me soft… what, I don’t get turned on by kids, do you? Anyway, I noticed several of them being worn as a belt by the most awesome beast I’d ever laid my eyes on… the red goat. He stood on two legs and was easily 5’2, which is about how tall they should be standing up but I was in awe of his balance. He wasn’t actually red, the name is deceptive, but his scrotum shined redder than the devil’s d*ck. He belted those children with his mighty hooves, at first I found it funny, and then I noticed he was erect. That’s where I draw the line. No boy hungry pedophile, man or beast, would come into my neighborhood without properly registering under the sex offender registry. I grabbed my Timberland's, because I was gonna kick the $#!T out of that goat. Then I remembered I don’t want to get $#!T on my boots and switched to Nikes. Going out the door I prayed to the wolf because his word is true and he would guide my fist even truer. Plus God isn’t a huge fan of violence despite what the people caught in the Holy Wars would have you believe so the Wolf is my back up. Praise be to the Wolf… anyway. When I came out side he instantly knew that I was there to stand and fight. Not for the children, and not for honor but because he ruined on of my favorite clips on YouPorn. How dare he! There were no words spoken, he was a goat, and I don’t talk to animals. When I charged at him my heart was racing and I launched myself into the air to Liu Kang kick his f*cking heart out. It wasn’t until I got about six inches away from connecting that I saw the look in his eyes… confusion. This goat was lost and scared, I’d stepped into a fight with a child… metaphorically. When the foot connected with his chest it felt like stepped on a baby turtle, crunches and snaps. I wish I could say that I let him crawl away to the forest, or wherever goats come from, and tell the animals of the might black warrior that jerks it. But when I felt the crunches within his chest from my foot I got mad with power. I was high, high on dominance. I beat that son a b*tch goat half to death, then put another quarter of ass whooping on him so he was only about a breath away from satan’s sweet caress. I stood over this beaten and scared goat with a red scrotum and felt pity. Then I grabbed the closest chubby kid and sat him on the goat’s face, for smothercation (oh, I like that word, don’t you). That was a year ago, I was a different man, now I realize there is nothing right about taking another man… I mean goat’s life. Every time I see a baby goat, and you’d be surprised how often that happens… I give it money. I don’t know which one might be his child. But I’ll tell you this, if I had it to do all over again… I would’ve worn my Timberlands. Cause I got in that goat’s ass. Happy Anniversary to me! The End.

Tomorrow I will provide a revision of Atif’s early years. Since his father looked it up I’d hate for him to think I disrespected his son by pretending a man had his way with him. So tomorrow, though still told in classic TRich fashion, we will revisit the Atif Myers story. For those that feel like it may be a Meg episode of Family Guy I say “No.” More like a Quagmire episode. We’ll get there tomorrow. Moving on…

What makes a man? How tightly his pants outline his doodle. You’re welcome.

A year ago I laughed at the thought of going back to school, yesterday I received an “A” on a research paper I’m proud to have written (last minute, but that’s of no importance). Time flies…

The last few days of rain have been great, I’m sorry to see them go. Nothing funny there, I just like rain.

A long time ago I meant to start taking pictures with random old people just to look back and laugh. I haven’t and I’m ashamed of myself. This weekend I’m getting some old pics with the elderly at the Drafthouse shows. Also, since my lady friend looks white and approachable I feel like she’ll be able to help me get them to take the picture. They might just think I’m out to rob them. The true conquest for pictures this weekend will be if I can get one to look like we’re doing the dance from House Party. I think I can pull that off, don’t you?

Eating a Twix, King Size, mmm. Be jealous.

I just realized exactly how many people I called a friend a year ago that are no longer part of my life. Jesus, I must really have some social disorder. Mmm, Twix… sorry, it’s hard to concentrate on myself with all this caramel. How selfish of me, let’s talk more about this Twix bar. The word nugget (nu-get) may always make me laugh, I hope to be a crazy old man staring at a Mars bar laughing in a corner. Ah, to dream…

Where is Sisqo? Even though a lot of you may have been wishing for it, I feel like he isn’t dead… yet.

I could not believe what Chris Hayes “predicted” in HIS competition. I’m not going to talk $#!T but Jesus, that was unnecessary. Part of me feels like I made statements like that when I first started this blog and I’m deeply ashamed of myself. Sometimes I go back and look at the first (extremely bitter, probably cause I just wasn’t as funny as I thought I was) blogs and I wince at what I would say. That’s the nicest thing I can say after reading what he had to say. Ugg, shame on you.

I’m gonna work a little bit before I go eat lunch with a very beautiful woman (I’m looking at you beautiful, stanks!). We’ll pick up tomorrow with journeys through the life of “the beard” Atif.

Peaces

"Good, you've found someone special... now dance blog monkey!"

2009-05-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Let’s have some fun shall we?

Perhaps women just really like the smell of certain colognes, but men do not accept that as an answer. If a woman turn to a man and says “Mmm, what cologne is that you have on?” she just came onto him. In her mind it was a perfectly good question, maybe she wants to remember it; maybe she wants to buy it for her significant other. To the man who was asked the question it sounded more like “Mmm, impregnate me.” Of course there are many other scenarios where we mistake something innocent for being hit on, such as: Touching my arm (or any part of the body for that matter), waving, smiling, looking in my direction, eye contact, friendship, laughing at my jokes, sharing anything in common, politeness, having a boyfriend and still speaking with us and the dreaded saying “hello.”

With that said, another woman asked me what cologne I had on today while we got off the elevator. My response: “Prada, now stop nose raping me, I’m taken.”
Apparently there is an MMA fighter that has all of his limbs cut off before the joints. To watch him fight is supposed to be hilarious, and surprisingly he wins fights. Without giving it much thought, I knew immediately he could beat me in a fight. I would throw up uncontrollably once one of those nubs touched me. Especially if it touched me on my face… ugh.

I just recalled that mother called me last week to speak about my 13 year old sister’s recently watched videos on her computer. She insisted my sister was “curious” and started listing titles and stars such as “Brianna Banks.” It wasn’t until she got to that name that I believed my sister was watching porn. I’m very familiar with the name Brianna Banks… a little too familiar. Then, after I’d already swallowed the idea that my baby sister (who I used to dance with during Muppet Treasure Island, ah to be young) was tainted, Mom says “And, that’s the biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life.” Classic.

What is the only difference between men and women that matters? A Johnson… thank you.

Reptiles don’t ask for permission, they just interrupt slow dances with your date at the prom. That is why they are not allowed in most formal dances.

The image of a bunch of old men playing GRUNDLE SOCCER keeps running through my mind. I don’t know why its so funny to me, maybe its all of that old skin dangling… I picture it a bunch of old men naked from the waist down and circling on particularly dangle-ish man with a grundle that knots when it hits the ground. He follows not to far behind whoever is handling “the ball” and they’re all wearing Pumas. What a game, what a nightmare.

What the hell happened to Nell Carter from Gimme a break?

On Sunday Nelson, my friend Josh and I were in Costco. We saw a sign that said a man named Fred something donated $150 to the Children’s Foundation (that might be missing a word but you know the balloon with red and yellow on it). I thought, aloud, “Where the f*ck was I when that guy felt like throwing away $150 dollars?! I would give him a piggy back around the city… for a few hours, for $150!” My eyes met with the old black cashier that lacked a sense of humor since the gym teacher tasted her sweaty shorts. She was not amused, I threw out “Please forgive me, I was raised uncaring, that seems like a waste of money and all he got was a balloon showing what a stupid thing he did with $150.” She responded, “The only person you need to apologize to is…” Instead of finishing the sentence, she pointed slowly upwards, to the heavens. What a b-word, but you know what, I bet somewhere her gym coach still laughs while holding 50 year old gym shorts. Thinking about how not only do the shorts have sweat residue, but her spirit, and all the laughter throughout her life that went along with it. Good on you gym teacher, good on you.

How is it someone can ask a question you know the answer to and still make you panic? My girl asked what color her eyes were, I know they’re brown. After I answered she got busy and didn’t give the mental high five that I was anticipating. I was freaking out, $#!T, I still am cause she still hasn’t let me know I was right. Please God, if I was wrong change her eye color with a bolt of lightning or something so I can save face.

Dear Wolf, if God decides he’s not going to help me out like I just asked for could you step in. I know it’s been awhile but I still buy three bananas a day, spunk in them, and put them back for strangers to just pick up. Praise be to the Wolf. Oh, and thanks for all of the rain lately.

Mmmkay, I’m going to finish my surfing (world wide web) and for those that do not know the sweet kiss of http://www.latinoreview.com/ step into the 21st century. You sicken me. They just reviewed Star Trek (B+, C), hopefully I’ll find time to form an opinion of my own.

Peaces.

Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse, May 8th and 9th, it's gonna be fun...

2009-05-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Ricky Hatton lost… black son of a b*tch. I want my money back. How does he call himself a professional? If I was a jerk off champ (for the sake of the argument) and I came out and literally "came out" in the first jerk or two I'd be finished. That's all I'm saying. Boo this man! F'n Boo Butter.

Come out to the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse this weekend to see headliner Eric Schwartz! I believe I know the feature this weekend, he’s a black guy…me. The shows start at 9:45 PM Friday and Saturday, be there, be sexy.

Real blogging goodness tomorrow. I'm going to have lunch with my Sweet... Peaces.

And I don't know who you are, but your fly is down, wear underwear tomorrow...

2009-05-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

Observe and Report was hilarious, see it and smack anyone who mentions Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the face. The movie first line is “Hey B^tch!” as a streaker unleashes the beast in a parking lot. Before moving on to the next scene we see him run from person to person (about 7) with a different line. My personal favorite was “Touch daddy’s d*ck!” Classic…

When I die I want my face cut off and made into a mask. Atif, are you there? I want you to wear my mask and distract the collections agencies so my future family can run to Alaska… where credit doesn’t exist. It's absolutely... Boo Butter.

Hunstville (DeAnn), it’s been about a year now, feels weird. I still look at my Grandpa’s cell phone number in my phone whenever I’m calling my grandmother. On the lighter side, every time “I’m alone” I pray he’s got better things to look at. Maybe he’s busy checking in on you. God I hope so.

Being fixated on someone and being on heroine must be a lot alike. My mind keeps drifting but even after I get pissed and try to focus I come back to them and smile. And I’ve started ignoring texts and calls from women (like Babygirl, remember her?). Oh God, I’m still smiling… AH!!!! Boo Butter.

If case anyone doesn’t know, apparently the restaurant next to Rock Bottom (ground floor of Ballston Commons Mall) turns into a mini club at night. I saw a lot of rhythm-less white folk shake a tail feather. Right before I got up to show them what dance moves really look like, I pulled something. Next time white folk, next time…

Terminator: Salvation looks more and more money with every preview. I never thought that would be the movie I was most excited to see this summer but… damn. How do you do it Christian Bale? How do you do it?

What is a good friend? A friend that you tell about your obsession with Pauly Shore movies. A friend that listens and doesn’t judge you for your cravings for the Wea...sel. Then calls you out of the blue to say that he got you a gig hosting for him. You didn’t ask, he just cared and did what a good friend does. I was unable to make it, but damn Jessie Thomas is a good friend to me. I was really f’n touched, seriously, and I hope one day I can show him the same type of friendship. Until then, I’m just waiting for my turn. I wish everyone could have friends like this, we all deserve them.

I have a meeting shortly so this is going to be a shorty, sorry. Have a great weekend everybody, stay safe, I’m appreciative for every friend I have! I love everyone! This girl is getting to me… damn!

Peaces

2009-04-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, it’s a surprisingly happy Tyler signing in today. The birds are chirping, not really, and all that I can say is spring is in the air. You just want to text someone special to you: Boo Butter. Just to hear them giggle like a piglet. Ah, amore, to be young…

And now for the new word I’ve committed myself to: Boo Butter. And here are more than enough examples for everyone to understand: Butter is the new Ooo butter, meaning its You Butter. The very appeal of Boo Butter is that it’s seldom confused with Poo Butter… due to the smell. Nelson prefers Jew Butter, Atif likes Woo Butter and Sean Paul Ellis, well Sean Paul just likes Boo Butter. Smoo Butter…

I stopped there because I could do that $#!T all day. But no one wants that ingrained in their memory. Or do they… Boo Butter.

If you have yet to see Sean Paul’s fantastic blog, I recommend it. I laughed out loud like an insane patient threatening to throw $#!T when I saw it.

Yesterday I went to Subway. The Indian gentleman, who is actually really cool to me, seems to enjoy his country music. The song playing was country and started out by talking about how “He died on the cross”, only to jump into the chorus which specifically sang the tale of a solider at war. Don’t really see how those are related, really confused me. That was, until, a child ran past me and ran (I promise it’s true) straight into the wall near the bathroom. Like a blind dog. I laughed; his mother did not look at me as though we could ever be friends. The End.

Yesterday was a strange class moment. With the semester just about dead, we handed in our research papers and broke into groups to discuss photos from famous photographers. We came across two that made me laugh inappropriately. The first was “American Gothic” (don’t really care if that’s not supposed to be in quotes, it juts happened), I’m sure that a lot of you are familiar with the farmer and his stone cold fox of a wife/daughter who put on the Sunday bests cause it was picture time. Before the professor had finished explaining what we were going to discuss I laughed like somebody just started tickling Retarded Craig (the imaginary handicapped guy with a heart of gold, he likes Mars bars). Then we turned the page, “American Gothic” (yes, above) but this one is a black woman in the 1950s holding a broom and mop in front of an Amercian flag. I pictured her thinking "I bet I left the stove on..." Yet again, Retarded Craig had both hands in the air while Sean Paul tickled his ass into a seizure. Oh Sean Paul (that sounded gay in my mind), why do you kiss the girls and make them cry? Anyway, I’m getting off topic… ahem. When we did get in groups, my group picked a photo of a zoo in Memphis. A sign was outside the zoo saying that “NO WHITE PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED TODAY.” Naturally, white people see it and think “WTF” and black people assume the white people gave us a day a the zoo, plus you can see a few black people. The point being that everyone has a different point of view based on their experiences. I told the teacher that I imagined a giant mousetrap theory. They invited all those black people in as an elaborate joke. Once all the negroidians were in place they slammed the door shut and screamed April Fool’s. Then the zookeeper opened up all of the animals cages for a feast the likes of which is rarely seen on anything but cable. The next day all that could be found were teardrops and watermelon seeds, the janitor who cleaned up the mess whistled the theme to the Jeffersons. I believe I earned that “A.”

Chicken grease, that is all.

I’m out, but more wackiness (did you see what I just did, I gave myself an untrue credit, Boo Butter) tomorrow!

Peaces

I make this look good...

2009-04-28T10:47:00.001-07:00

Hello everybody, la di da di we likes to party we don’t cause trouble we don’t…
Random man: “Boo n#gga, shut up! This ain’t 1981, get you @ss offstage.”
Never mind…

Don’t you love spring time? Love is in the air and everyone is all twitterpated. I’m thinking about strapping my dog Max into his ejacu-bag (it’s a series of bags I used to put him in to stop him from humping my ex’s female Jack Russell) and letting him have a good ol’ time. Ah, to be young…

Guard: Halt who goes there?
Man: I am Death, here to claim your soul, Donald Trevaine. Don’t bother running, I am everywhere… and nowhere.
G: But I…
D: You have lived a life full of women, one man in your early twenties and swine. Come with me into the abyss so that you may frolic amongst the other tortured souls. Where toenails grow back as soon as they are agonizingly plucked from your feet. The maggots will line the very walls of your urethra. You testicles…
G: But I’m not Donald Trevaine.
D: Oh… well, where is he?
G: Hold on, (yelling down the hall) Hey Don, there’s someone looking for you. Says you just won a vacation… Look, he owes me like $200 from a long time ago… think you could get that off him during that whole plucking the toenails thing?
D: Perhaps, do you have PayPal? I just really hate coming all the way back here to give it to you. The traffic in the DC Metropolitan area is a fat man dragging his nuts through his shorts.
G: What’s that mean?
D: Traffic is nasty.
G: Ah-ha.
Donald: Here I am!
D: I am Death…

Thank God rain is on its way, all this terrible sunlight has the beast in hiding. Praise be to the wolf.

I would almost be down for LARP (Live Action Role-Playing, see the movie Role Models if you have no idea what I’m talking about) if it didn’t mean giving up sex with attractive women for the rest of my life. That’s a steep f’n price to pay.

Lots of traveling soon, pictures will follow.

Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 is on its way to XBOX Live Marketplace… and PSN. Lube up gentlemen, it’s gonna be sensual.

A new (fine) lady friend made a complaint that ended with “she’s white, so I know she can read…” Now I’m more determined than ever to get a picture with an illiterate white person (older than 3). I might even get her in the picture; something tells me she wouldn’t be opposed to random weirdness. She is, after all, attracted to me.

This year my birthday has been set up to suck. Not for me personally, but everyone chose it for craptacular things. Oh, you want examples: Relapse by Eminem (has to suck, no way he comes back like it’s 97’), Blackout 2 by Redman and Methodman (a little too late my friends, did you take advice from Eminem?!), The NOW CANCELLED Rebirth by Lil Wayne (I think we all heard Prom Queen, nuff said), the only good thing I know of that will come out on my B-Day is UFC Undisputed for XBOX 360… and PSN. All I really want is a ZJ.

When the hell is the new Broken Lizard movie coming out? They were filming that like 2 years ago. I want more Michael Clarke Duncan in comedies… he’s a genius.

Yesterday at lunch my friend Jessica pulled quite the fast one on me. She made me think she was offended by the fact that I find anything a midget does hilarious. After sitting awkwardly for a few seconds she says something like “I love midgets, especially if I could keep one as a pet.” Yep, the world is just as warped as I am, you just have to let people be comfortable. See what you can drag out of your parents.

I’m going to get some important things done, like sharpening my sword for the duel with the Chess Dragon… you heard me right.

Peaces

I wouldn't, unless you don't mind a lil o' the clap...

2009-04-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

I hate these long absences; I don’t shower when we’re apart. I let the funk wash over me, and more importantly those around me, to let the world know I suffer. Soon will be together again and I will B.O. hug the world into tears. – Billiam Shakespeare, the early poems

“1, 2, 3, 4… Hold the cheer! Someone here needs an introduction to a douche bag, seriously. Eck!”

The show at Catholic University was… something else. Part of me likes to believe that the crowd was tricked into thinking there would be a mass or something, only to audience members in a comedy show. At one point in my set I asked “So what do you guys do for fun around here?” The answer I received: “Read the BIBLE.” I think that awkward moment speaks for the show, but we did our best. w00t

4:20 was… I’m sorry what was I talking about?

Calgary here I come… in 2010. FunnyFest whoo!

Allow me to take a second a drop some of what I’m going through on others. I don’t really think my experiences merit advice but if it helps someone down the road someday, right on. When trying to break into the college market you will undoubtedly become familiar with NACA. This is not the only means of college work, there is the APCA, but it is the “Sony.” Meaning household name, most people flock to it, when truthishly ( I love using that word) Samsung makes a better television. Anyway, when you’re considering making that move you will either buy a membership ($$$$) or try to find a college booking agency that already has a membership and pays for other things that could be a hassle. I’m sure to many, the sound of a booking agency makes sense, it did to me too. Last year I made a concentrated effort to e-mail and call just about any agency that I could look up. Only one came back to me with “You’re a funny guy.” Once the reality of submitting for showcases (they wanted a lot of money right then, didn’t smell right) kicked in, I decided to wait. Now I’ve jumped back into that plan, but I’ve been fortunate enough to speak seriously with more than one agency and weigh them against each other. Turns out that the person who wanted a lot of money from me… well, just wanted a lot of money. Something smelled wrong about the figure I heard from #1 the second #2 mentioned fees. I immediately knew that #1, despite being the only one who thought I showed potential a year ago, was a bit pricey. Then comes #3 yesterday and blew me away, almost nothing. I can only speak for myself, but that seemed to be a big sign of legitimacy. Anytime someone speaks of a lot of cost prior to speaking about me making money I feel like I’m trying to model for John Casablanca. I still have other factors to think of but wanted to make sure that people don’t just go with the first thing you hear because you’re really excited. That is enough of that; let us move on to tomfoolery…

Just thought I’d share because it tickled me, this is an account from a woman in class yesterday: I saw a homeless man chase a perfectly normal woman up and down the street twirling a bag with shoes in it. He started following her and then I watched them both pick up stride. She crossed streets, he followed, she screamed and he shrieked louder. The crazy thing is no one tried to help her. We all just stood there for a minute and watched them on Wisconsin Ave during a very busy time of the day. It made my day…

I told myself I’d never $#!T talk through a blog, again, but Sean Paul Ellis cries like a hermaphrodite. There I said it. I was talking to him on the phone an he stubbed his toe on something. First there were a lot of swear words strung together, in no way making a sentence. Then I hear what I mistook to be a sea lion receiving a hand job. After listening and smirking for a few minutes I heard his wife come over and console him. At some point the words “Sponge Bob Square Pants Band-Aid” were used. I’m not judging you Sean… but you’re a weird guy.

Is there anything crazier than when you finish all of your work early and they give you more work. What happened to the days when they sent you home early to show everyone else it’s a competition? Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday…

Great, now I have Amerika’s Most Wanted by 2pac and Snoop Dogg stuck in my head.

Yesterday was one of the few times that I’ve just given up on trying to make eye contact with a woman during conversation. This woman’s shirt was so open, and “the girls” were sitting up like it was a competition for the better boob. I just quit about two minutes in. I’m going to be somebody’s father.

Traffic was, as usual, an old man whose nuts accidentally fell out of his swim trunks. By that I mean it was nasty.

Am I alone here, or does everyone else not give a f about tortured terrorists? We have got to get some better news. Somebody invent something.

And now for the obligatory “Dance up all over yourself at your desk” minute of rhythm… Mmm mmm mmm.

What’s better than one pornographic website? Seriously, I don’t know but I have to find another hobby. Did you know there is such a thing as too much of a good thing? Weird.

I will get back to shanty town, or as I like to call it “my daydreams.” Live well and don’t feed that hoe.

Peaces

It was way to juicy in there to be rape your honor...

2009-04-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

Sleep is by far the biggest tease in the whole wide world. What I wouldn’t give to just drop on the cubicle where I’ve been sitting without worrying someone would come wake me. I felt the same way yesterday and didn’t get my bearings until 4 O’ Clock . Here goes one more day.

In the middle of conversations at work, my newest favorite is to yell louder than necessary “OH, you mean when you bought that big bag of bad crack?!” I’m as subtle as a samurai sword running along the seam of a scrotum. That really doesn’t mean anything but, the imagery of it, I was practically running along the seam myself. Moving on…

Right now it’s 8:48 AM (ET) and I am officially partying like a rock star… drinking Rock Star energy drank (that’s right, not drink, drank). Reminds me of being hit on by jean clad hookers in Atlantic City. “Hey, you boys like to party like a rock star?” They had on jeans and tennis shoes. Their prostitute card should be revoked for some $#!T like that. You’re giving the hard working, run in heels, pee on the sidewalk, $12 ZJ women of the night a bad name. In tennis shoes…

Instead of calling a woman “the C word” I find it funnier to call them a street hooker… in my mind… because I’m a coward.

Hot Broth was fun last night, lots of name and faces I did not know with familiarity sprinkled. Jake borrowed the ol’ iPod for a minute to play intros. I was really crossing my fingers for It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it on my death bed, “That song is hilarious to me, and I don’t see why we gave it to the gays in the first place.” I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKIN WEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! That tickles me.

Today I’m wearing a white polo and white shoes. I hate that fashion rules say people can’t wear white until after Memorial Day. That doesn’t even make any sense, why not go with Flag Day? Or Cinco de Mayo? Or the anniversary of Peanuts creator Charles Schultz’s death?! I wear what I want. It pisses me off that I even know that rule, like blue and black don’t match. I blind man came up with that rule. Black matches everything, don’t you read?

I watched Making the Band 4 last night, with so many crying @ss men last week I couldn’t say no. Unfortunately, there were no tears to be seen. Just horrible television magically thrown together by the most diabolical puppet master… Diddy. Give us back G-Dep!

I met a great woman at a party not to long ago. I was having fun and the next day it sank in that I should have gotten her number. I assumed that since she said she knew someone, I should have no problem tracking her down. I waited and waited and finally asked about her yesterday. As of right now, no one has heard of her… I worry that she was an optical illusion. Could I be surrounded by so many scandalous women that I had to imagine one that I could take out and not order an Extra Value Meal? Oh to be single in the 21st century.

The song Black Betty is highly underrated. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything to move people. Look at Ozzy Osbourne.

This energy drink tastes like I’m licking someone’s eyebrow… after they went down on a peach. That’s right, oral sexing a peach and then some juices got on the eyebrow. Then I break into the bedroom this is going on in and walk towards the man. I look at the peach, and then look at him, judging neither or them for their lust. I lean in like I have a secret and taste the eyebrow for sustenance. Then I cock back the hammer on my Desert Eagle and blow the man, and the peach, straight to hell where all the fruit sex they could ever have awaits. It waits right at the bell of Satan’s d*ck… fruit fornicators.

I don’t think I miss being a kid due to lack of responsibility. I think I just miss people giving a $#!T about you, every kid is special to their parents and teachers. Strangers would even help you out, but once you’re old enough to fend on you own you could be homeless and 19… you’re grown. I gotta stop jerkin it, I’m getting way too sentimental.

Atif Meyers left an open mic to jerk it. Tell anyone and everyone, sully his good name.

Bad news for any of us that find peeing at others hilarious. A man was sentenced to three weeks in jail because he stood up and peed on a woman during a flight to Hawaii. There was no argument between them prior, she was just watching the in flight movie and “Boosh.” I only wish I had thought of it first… I hope they rape him as little as possible during initiation.

I’ve finally broken a life long habit of saying God Bless you while one particular woman sneezes. I have a bit about a Muslim friend that never say it to, that bit came from this woman at work. She is Muslim and never, not f*cking once, has said thank you. She sneezes all day long so this is something that I kick myself for at least 3 or 4 times a day. But now, she could drop dead and I wouldn’t stop typing. I honestly don’t know if it’s because she’s pretending not to hear me, or if it’s a difference in our religions and she just won’t say it. Next sneeze the proper response will be “I hope you swallow you’re tongue.” Thank you.

I was surprised to see there was a competition at the Comedy Spot coming up, put on by Chris Hayes. What really shocked me was the number of comedians involved… 60. Yes, there are that many people currently dreaming the same thing for their future that we are, right now. Naturally, I looked through every name, didn’t spot mine. But, before I got all sensitive I noticed that there were a lot of names, really funny people who I did not spot. For once, I didn’t grab a stranger and give them a Stone Cold Stunner (mmmm), ya growns up and ya growns up. I remember how I’ve felt every other year when I submitted for the DC Comedy Fest and didn’t see my name. But this year I will not know that feeling again, “you can’t change the world, but you can change yours.”

Tomorrow night, a show that will take your socks off before blowing a load all over your feet… yep. Catholic University, around 7-ish, here is the lineup: Will Hessler, Jermaine Fowler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Hampton Yount and John McBride. Strap on something sexy and come join, won’t you?

I’m going to split, I have a meeting shortly and I need to rest eyes on someone’s chest for a while. If only I could pull that off… sigh.

Peaces

Free dong rides, inquire inside after Sunday School

2009-04-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

Another day with that I’ve forgotten my cell phone at home… sigh. What am I supposed to do if an emergency happens? Blow the rape whistle my grandmother gave to me on my 23rd birthday?! Though it has saved me hide more than I care to mention, what about bears? What about gremlins and aliens, or even an asteroid. How the hell am I supposed to destroy an asteroid on a set course to collide with Earth without my BlackBerry? Sigh, it’s another sad DVDuesday.

Actually, even though I forgot my phone I’m feeling good because its raining outside and gloomy. I’ve always had good fortune on days like this so maybe that’s why I get so psyched up about rainy days. Other people have wonderful sunny days, well, f*ck the sun. I’ve already had one good e-mail that surprised me (I won the f’n lottery, not really) and that’s one more than most days offer. Bring on my elephant that can balance a stick while standing on a ball. What, if I were king that’s all I would want to see. Oh, and a woman with three breasts… tee hee.

I’m excited about our show at Catholic University on Saturday, I wish I could give the entire line-up but here is who I know to be there: Will Hessler, Jake Young and who the f*ck is Tyler Richardson? Oh well, he’ll be there too. That’s all I know, sorry if I left someone out but I’m looking forward to it either way.

And yes, for those that haven't seen that picture already, that is Lil Wayne kissing Baby (Birdman)... I'm still a fan but damn.

I had a dream last night about eating ice cream… yep, that’s how you first start walking down the road to fatdom. I’ve taken a lot of pictures of my face lately, so if I get fat I can still be sexy for my wife. My wife will get ready for the usual Wednesday night “boogey” when she hears “Dear, we’re going to try something new…” What? She’ll ask… “Well, I thought a little role play. I’m going to be the man you married tonight!” (I come out in a plastic mask of myself sucking my gut in to mimic the abs of my 20’s. Blaring behind me is my son holding a boom box playing It’s raining men by the weather girls. Right around the part where they say “I’m going to go out, I’m gonna let myself get, ABSOLUTELY SOAKING WET!!!!” I start pouring hot butter on the crack of my wife’s behind. Then I excuse my son, cause it’s Mr. Nasty time, and make sweet passionate unprotected baby no. 2. His name… Brockula Quagmire Richardson. Yes, long live me.

I bought a new pair of loafers last week. When I wore them last Friday my left foot was killing me. It made me wish I tried things on more, but I hate it so I won’t. This morning while changing from my slippers to dress shoes in the car I noticed I’d overlooked something. There was still a cardboard piece lining the shoe I would never have seen without sticking my head in there. My foot feels a lot better now. You’re welcome.

The hardest part of diarrhea is constantly excusing yourself from the table whenever someone makes you laugh. So I’ve heard.

In some cultures, being invited to have breakfast (or any meal) at the Waffle House is considered a polite offer. For future record, if I ever invite you to the Waffle House, know that you or someone very close to you have or will die. I would bring the body into the back and tell everyone it’s your birthday. When all the “staff” (its in quotation marks because the word staff tickles me… staff) comes to sing to you I’ll stand up “And your mother just had to be here…” (A box is slid in front of you) What’s in the box isn’t as important as the look on your face when you see. Picture seeing nothing but ears in a box after someone just said that. Morbid, but still tickles me, I know I’m strange. Next…

24 was OFF THE HINGES last night! I haven’t rooted and screamed at a television since momma put on Soul Plane at Thanksgiving a couple years back (I didn’t really scream but she and my grandmother honestly thought it would be a good movie. They robbed me of 2 hours of my life that I can never have back).

I would love to begin answering every question at work with “I look too good to ____.” The only reason I don’t is because I don’t want someone to give me too much truth and hurt my feelings. I’m just a big squishy teddy bear, soft and emotional. But packin’ D*CK.

My lips are chapped, I’m off to go check out young mothers (can’t anyone make it to 30 without having kids) who frequent… the building. (What takes me 15 minutes will take you two seconds because this isn’t in real time)

Jermaine, I read that comment from yesterday and Mercedes is an (attractive) old friend. I doubt she wants the chode, but if so I’ll need to put on more cologne. I leak sulfur around pretty women.

Eli, I will be at hot broth Thursday. I hope that I see you there. I’ll the anti-social black guy in the corner. Probably hugged up on Kyle Martin or some random woman that been separated from her cubs… yeah, you heard me.

Mmmm, ranch dressing with celery and carrots. Oh, that Trix rabbit doesn’t know what he’s missing. What sick bastard would give a rabbit cereal? That’s why you don’t feed animals people food, now he’s a smackhead for Trix cereal.

It’s stupid, but I laughed this morning after thinking to myself “Wow, it’s raining bullfrogs and foreskin out here.” You’re welcome.

Alright, I’m going to actually get some work done now.

Peaces

Easter dinner and the gay blind date...

2009-04-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

I went to an interesting party of Friday night, what caught me off guard was that no one mentioned it would be completely filled with middle-eastern ethnicity. Which is no problem for me, but just imagine walking into a party and realizing everyone present is a werewolf. We don’t know whether or not werewolves would harm us without reason so take no offense if you enjoyed Slumdog Millionaire as much as the rest of the world. My point just being it’s a bit of a shock walking in and being surrounded. I’m not a fan of walking into all white places either though, I’m equal opportunity afraid. Best story of the night has to go to the loose woman with a gigantic star. Apparently she was in a couple with a friendly man who I’d found myself listening to. He says that shortly after they broke up she had a huge crush on some guy not giving her the time of day. The guy was a break-dancer, so she figured she might impress him with dance moves. Well… she pulled something crazy out and broke her arm. Worst part is that there was a pre med student there when it happened, he starts pulling on her arm in gross jerks trying to get it “back in the socket.” When people saw her later, after her hospital visit that next day, she had a great big scar running down the bicep. The guy she tried to impress did not give sympathy bone-age either. That’s what she gets for chasing a dream folks. She needed to settle for this very real “meat right here. Stop reaching for the stars all the time ladies, real men live on earth…

Nelson and I went to Wal-Mart on Saturday to get some random crap. The lady is front of us brought one thousand items to the only open Self Checkout lane available. I went to stand in another line where I felt we might leave before the sun set. My line won the race and I motioned him to get in my spot, I didn’t want anything from Wal-Mart (right then). When he took the spot a woman behind him started talking to the cashier… talking $#!T. I was trying to eavesdrop much, but she was so loud I felt like she was challenging me. I heard several words that made me eventually speak, these words: RUDE, JUST DON’T CARE ABOUT OTHERS, THAT’S HOW PEOPLE GET STABBED, BLACK SON OF A B*TCH (she didn’t actually say that, she was black, but “That’s how people get stabbed” was enough). I turned and said “Really Ma’am, you wanna be nasty and get into this right before Easter Sunday?” She laughed and said “Oh, I wasn’t talking to you dear, HE just cut right in front of me without saying anything and I was saying that was rude. I saw you signal over to him though, he shouldn’t be so in his own world cause that could cause some people to snap on him.” I was satisfied with the fact that she wasn’t talking about me. Nelson still wasn’t really paying attention cause though she was talking about him like he wasn’t there, he was never more than six inches away from her. Plus he was “kissing the sky” at the time… oh, to be young.

I downloaded a bunch of new songs yesterday. Most notably were Eminem’s We Made You- that song is one of the worst I’ve ever heard, 16 year old Tyler is crying for his old idol. WTF happened to you Eminem? Second was a plethora of Etta James songs… what of it? And, as Nelson found out yesterday, I remembered how much It’s Raining Men makes me laugh. Good times.

I have a regular move for avoiding people’s looks while using the bathroom in “the open.” I pretend to be tying my shoe and let it hang… that’s all the detail I’ll disgust you with. On Friday night I’m pretty sure people caught me. Which lead to a weird stand up and run away while someone called who was meeting me. I quickly ran into their car from the parking area and got the f out of there. Urinating, publicly anyway, used to be easier when I was a baby and people thought it was cute.

Which leads us to a very weird Easter dinner… I think my grandmother may have been trying to set me up on a gay date, that or she just wanted to warn me we would be dining with a homosexual. While describing what we would have for dinner she went into way too much detail about a friend of the family that was coming over. It kinda gave me a weird feeling, cause it reminded me of how you prepare a friend for a blind date. I asked her on the phone “Why do I care about this guest of yours, you’re giving me a lot of details aren’t you? Is he gay or something?” She replied that she was just making sure I would be social since I generally don’t speak to strangers (I don’t, what can I say, I just hate meeting new people). I relaxed and moved on with my day. Once there we ate a lot, we go downstairs so the family can watch Taken, guess who comes to dinner? A young gay man. Perhaps granny was right, because due to how that whole phone call went then he IS gay… I went upstairs until the movie was over. I blame granny more than him, all my mom could do was laugh at the uncomfortable silence that had befallen the basement. Yep, that was how my night went. How was yours?

I’m off next Tuesday, why? Because Monday 04/20/2009 could be an exciting day! I hear that Conway Twitty may come to Virginia and sign autographs. Not really, but I’m going to enjoy the day anyway.

If it’s been more than 10 years since you’ve heard Return to Innocence, go back and listen to what Enya gave to the early 90’s. Class, she gave it class.

Dragonball: Evolution made less than 5 million dollars last weekend. Meaning you could do a good amount of stretching while looking for a seat this weekend. It’s good, this was the only way that nerds like myself can communicate with movie studios like FOX. Don’t go see the movie, don’t even rent it. Make them earn it, I’m not going to tell you where to download it, but that weak $#!T Nelson is watching it that way. Boo Dragonball: Evolution, boo.

Gotta snuggle up to some knowledge real quick but I’ll be back tomorrow.

Peaces