WAR!?

It was a rainy day, that cold air still chaps my lips at the thought of it. I think I reached for Carmex cause the 7-Eleven was out of chapstick.... I got off topic, let's go back to the first sentence. It was so cold and I could sense that today would be like no other. A knock at the door made me stop practicing what it might be like to be handicapped and I quickly stopped crawling around on the floor and went to answer. Upon opening I realised that there was child at my door. Now he wasn't anything special but I was out of garbage bags to dispose of him with and if I fed him well perhaps there would be no reason to have to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to name him but every time he touched something of mine, I tired of yelling out "Stop that Unloved!" So, I decided to go with ..... Jermaine. I would make his middle name something strong like Richardson or Christ but right as I was going to give him a last name, he hung my cell phone up on a rather attractive woman that was calling. How FOWL, i thought to myself. And, there you have it.
I grew to despise him less over the time that we spent together, occasionally I would feed him. Not food buy human standards but since he's still alive I'm considering food anyway. One day I happened upon a hobo that was choking on something, I stood and watched as he passed on and made awkward eye contact with me(a stranger on his way to work) and got Jermaine all kinds of clothes and things. Oh, you should have seen how his twisted, evil face just light up like a ghetto Christmas tree... cause instead of braces I fastened some strong twigs to his teeth. You name it, we did; I dare not even mention the time that I took him on his first adventure to the orphanage. "Your grades are slipping Jermaine, you know I don't love you right? Then, get your act together or you coming back here real soon." He got the picture.... cause I didn't love him. One day he asked me for a Super Nintendo. I laugh now, but I beat him within an inch of his sweet life that day, just to teach the lesson that I'm not made of money. I told him later that day that if he likes he could watch me play my X-Box, but only for one night. Plus, he was old enough that I was afraid he would tamper with my coffee. You know what I mean too. It was hard when he started dating, cause I was generally able to talk the women out of dating him before they had their first date. I don't know why I laugh so hard whenever he cries, but many a night I would sleep in the hall and laugh myself to sleep while he scratched at the door and cried all night. I'll be honest, I'm laughing right now. Goodness I hate him(as I wipe a tear of laughter away from my face), I gotta stop thinking of the good times at work cause people will think it's weird that I'm laughing so hard while working. Where was I... ah, got it. I'm happy to say that despite what you think of the way he smells, I bathed him at least twice over the years and I remember the joy of playing fetch with the Fowlest and not having the swat away all the spill over flies. They can gather on filth folks, trust me... better yet ask him.
Well, you might wonder what young Fowlest did that made he and I such bitter rivals. Not too long ago it came to my attention that he has one of the most disgusting habits known to our society right now. When, I checked on why I still hadn't seen his report card(hoping there would be a "B", those always gave me reason enough to give lashings) I saw him with my own two eyes. Laughing and saying those awful words "De De Deee!" I screamed like a woman who was fornicating and spotted Jason.
ME: Fowlest what is that.
Fowlest: The Mind of Mencia...
ME:Is the remote broken?
Fowlest: No, this is like my favorite show.
ME:(gasp) Get off my lawn and I don't ever want to see you again. And, Fowlest..
Fowlest: Yeah Mr. TRichardson
ME: You know I never loved you right?
That was how it all went down folks. And, sometimes I wake up and swear I can hear him scratch at the door for a chance to sleep on the tile in my kitchen. I could just swear I can hear those ugly tears stream down his face.... and I get the chance to laugh myself to sleep. Have a safe weekend everybody. Laters..........