I got you Chipotle's, now take your shirt off.

When I arrived, on time might I add (I’m black and common sense tells us that is an accomplishment), my desk was weighed down by the smell of food someone brought in. Naturally, I assumed it was someone’s cultural dish and was a little upset at the gall. After some sleuthing I discovered that it was vegetables. Someone must have rubbed those veggies on a hobo’s happy trail because they almost made my friend Jessica yak. Sigh, Wednesdays…

Hope everyone that celebrated a holiday had a great one. Here we are on the eve of Kwanzaa’s conclusion and I feel all tingly inside. By the way, my supervisor is on maternity leave and there are a bunch of Christmas presents on her desk waiting. Did I mention that she is Muslim? At what point did everyone just disassociate Christmas with Christianity? Are there really people out there that believe the holiday is simply about giving and receiving presents? Every time someone gives a Christmas present to someone who isn’t Christian an angel loses their wings; true story.

The thought of a knight riding on a horse while the knight is on fire makes me laugh. I’m a simpleton.

I haven’t written a joke in a raccoon’s age. Just need more focus I guess. Thank goodness Nelson brought home a big bag of focus from the focus dealer yesterday. I’m going to focus hard right into the new year.

“Dancing is for queers.” – Stoney Rockfeet

I think a lot of women might actually believe that saying things like “hi” and waving at men are innocent. Men believe that any woman that pays you attention, whether it’s to say hello or even if she just uses an LOL or ;) that she is attracted to them. It’s the law, if you don’t wanna do me, act like I don’t exist.

I hope gets to be with someone they care for on New Year’s Eve, if not maybe life will land you in front of someone with potential soon.

He takes a sip of Cherry Coke, then he thumbs the zipper. Nobody’s the wiser…

GUCCI! (sorry, I’m listening to his album and got caught up in it) BURRRR!

I’m glad that the Nautica emblem on my sweater is small. Otherwise it’d be like when I wore bobos (cheap tennis shoes) to school in middle school. Not a good time for a materialistic young man. Ah, to be young.

Slapping people should be legal because it’s a victimless crime. Yeah, you heard me.

Where the h is Anthony Hamilton? You give us a magical CD and disappear for half a decade like Maxwell? Don’t be that performer, be like Lil Wayne, give us a song every 24 hours.

Well sir, I’ve got to be going to Chipotle now, duty-McCall!

Peaces

This doesn't smell or taste like cheese but I already ate half...

Madness comes in many forms. This morning it appeared to me as a Spanish man driving next to me in traffic. His stare was straight out of a Hitchcock movie and he helped mold my day. Paranoia is a mutha…

Tonight, I’m off to the “Scene” for jokes and stuff. I have no idea who will be there, whether there will be an audience or if I should shave. One thing I’m hoping for is a hug from Santa when I arrive. “Oh my sweet d*ck, Santa! What the F are you doing in D.C. right before Christmas? Shouldn’t you be preparing for the ride? Oh shiggity, you brought me that flesh light I’d been looking at. I always believed in you man.”

Fine women; slowly I’m noticing the more I listen the less fine they become. Could my grandpa have been right about finding an ugly woman with money and finding happiness? I’m starting to lean my erection towards “yes.”

Eminem has two new singles for the Relapse 2. Both are okay but still not like his old stuff. I wish he would start taking drugs again. You can tell he’s sober now, I miss my youth.

Something seems unhealthy about listening to John Legend and watching someone eat food from their homeland. I keep having this urge to pelt them with a stone. I guess I’m just old fashioned, like 10 B.C.

Gay guy just caught me doing a booty scratch. Maybe now he’ll think I have something and I don’t have to avoid eye contact whenever I’m in his radius. My rape-dar goes bananas when I get too close to that guy, he’s a fiend.

I gotta go to the gym, my shirt feels heavy.

The more I hear people talk about New Year’s Day and plans, the happier I am to be alone. I don’t know why I despise everything people are okay with, but spending a lot of money to go out like I would any other day seems crazy to me. Cocaine crazy, but I’m sure I’ll find myself on some kind of an adventure that night. Lord, let there be some strange at the end of that tunnel for me.

Dear wolf,

On the off chance Jesus was too busy to catch my last request, hook dat shiggity up! Holla at ya boi. I’m kidding, I know how much you despise slang. Seriously though, strange… make that happen. Kisses.

What I got by Sublime, now that $#!T always make me smile.

I want Chipotle’s but am going to fight this craving because… actually I don’t know why. Peer pressure to avoid my only love I guess. Why can’t everyone just be happy that I fell in love? Why do they have to shoot down my joy because they don’t have a food of their own? Stay tuned, tomorrow I’ll premiere the sex tape between myself and a big ass Chipotle burrito. “It was stuffed full of meat and chee(se) until I stuffed it full of me…”

Dear Kanye West,

I was just listening to your first album earlier. What the F happened between then and now? I’m not even talking about your behavior either. You were talented and fresh, now you’re just Kanye West. Come back and make a follow-up to Late Registration like you should’ve done three years ago. Thanks, signed by a former fan.

Did anyone know thaw WPGC is owned by CBS? I just find that interesting.

Haven’t written a new joke in 30 hours, something is wrong. There’s a disturbance in the force… (he stands up and unsheathes a light saber. Running into the distance, he disposes of several acquaintances before diving out a window)

Well, I’m back from Wendy’s (because that’s why I jumped out the window) and now I must do some work.

Peaces