An Interview with a vampire...

Let me start by saying that I appreciate the folks searching Tyler Richardson blog or whatever is getting you here now that I’m no longer on the blog roll list-a-majig on DCStandup.com (see, I still show him love… I’m growing up). Now let’s get to a much needed dose of insanity that we’ve so sorely lacked the past week shall we? An interview with a vampire… name Rudolph.

Interviewer: Hello, may we start the interview with your name?
Vampire: My name is Rudolph…Rudolph Hidalgo… it’s popular among Bulgarian whores. And that is what my mother did. She was a mistress of the night. My name is Rudolph.
Interview: Umm… mkay. Rudolph…
R: Hidalgo.
I: Would you prefer I said the whole thing together.
R: No.
I: M’kay… well…
R: I hunger.
I: I don’t know what to say to that, I have Subway in my bag but I don’t you like the chicken parm.
R: Too sweet.
I: You’ve tried it?
R: No, but I trust everything Hell’s Kitchen has ever said. Reality television makes me ooze.
I: I’d love to get to my first question, not to interrupt.
R: But you did.
I: …
R.: The question, give it to me.
I: How old are you?
R: When George Washington went off to fight in your war, I dusted off his wife’s pu-nay-nay.
I: Oh.
R: Do you know what I mean? Some call it pudding. I’ve even heard it referred to as muff or clam.
I: I think we’re on the same page.
R: Squidish love pocket. That’s my favorite.
I: … I don’t think I’ve ever heard it called that before.
R: I’m 517 years old on May 15, 2001.
I: So, you’re 525.
R: I love the foreplay of mathematics.
I: Is it warmer in this room than you thought it would be? I’m boiling, and please take no offense, but I’m not taking off any layers with a vampire in the room.
R: No offense could be taken from a Jew.
I: Wow.
R: What, did I touch a nerve?
I: That anti-semite remark just came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. You, of course know that I’m not Jewish....
R: Really?… well that curlish man-fro you’ve got there and the stink of Auschwitz all over you... I was fooled.
I: My God…
R: Why don’t you ask me something unexpected?
I: Okay, when is the last time you wept?
R: Yesterday.
I: Care to tell me why?
R: First give me a food that you would compare to the taste of your lover’s crotch… like say a pomegranate?
I: That’s personal.
R: Well so is why I wept.
I: That’s fair…
R: I saw a white man with a black woman.
I: I’m sorry, what?
R: I saw a white man with a black woman and all I could think was “He don’t even know what to do wit all dat. Let a real n*gga have a taste.”
I: You’re white.
R: I know.
I: *cough* This is weird, so let me just wrap this whole thing up…
R: Consider it wrapped.
I: Even that was weird.
R: No weirder than watching me make love.
I: M’kay, well… would you say that the life of a vampire is a lonely endless walk through time, completely lacking any real emotional contact?
R: Or?
I: Or nothing, I just wanted to take a shot there. My wife is black.
R: Oh, may I see a picture?
I: I don’t think so. I feel like I should just go. Is that alright?
R: Of course; Before you leave, would you mind helping me move this cabinet. Without friends tasks like these are a bit difficult.
I: Okay… (after moving) I hate to ruin my chances but are you really going to let me go? You’ve been pretty awkward and everything in my tingles of rape…
R: I don’t eat Jews Adam.
I: I’m not Jewish… hey, I never told you my name…
R: Didn’t need to, I’ve been around long enough to do some homework before welcoming you into my home. To be honest I had every intention of sucking the life out of you up until 2 PM this after noon.
I: What happened then? I was still at work.
R: You didn’t wash your hands after you clearly spilled urine on them. That’s just gross Adam, that’s just gross. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to burn the chair you sat in.

THE END

Well, until tomorrow’s blog (I promise) I’ve gotta run. I don’t know why but I have “I Want You Back” by NSYNC stuck in my head.

Peaces