Monday, how did you get this phone number?

Well, this weekend was interesting, but rather than get too deep into that I would prefer a blog of nonsense. I will try to mention some of the weekend’s best and most awkward moments just to keep the blog moving. Let it begin…

We now have health reform, yay, I still don’t know how this will help me or what it really entails. Every time that I attempt to educate myself I get so bored I smell the color brown. Or I’m pooing on myself from boredom… nah, I’m smelling the color brown.

My love affair with Chipotle is getting out of control. I crawled into bed with half a burrito yesterday and had a dream so crazy I dare not speak it allowed. When I woke up the bed and burrito were in ruin, thank good I took time to put a condom on though; I use the spicy red salsa.

Yesterday my friend Josh had a get together with some friends and family that was a “board game night.” I kind of thought he was joking, we’re not that old, but after being productive all morning why not waste the afternoon and eat free food? His sister introduced me to her new boyfriend, who seemed like a nice guy. 10 minutes into conversation I couldn’t help but notice the giant Confederate Flag on his forearm though. I was done conversation after that.

Last Thursday a little girl ran up on me with two of her friends while I was walking my dog. She asked if she could pet him, I grumbled “S-s-s-sure.” Then she asked if she could hold his leash, yet again “S-s-s-s-sure.” I asked her to please not let it go, because I didn’t want to run around trying to catch him. Then after they walked around me a couple of times, they took off. I looked around the corner I saw her run toward and saw no sign of either. I was pretty pissed, I stood there talking to my friend Jesse and cursing the fact that I didn’t pretend I couldn’t hear her when I had my headphones in. After a couple more minutes she returned with my dog, and had the balls to ask me if she could run around a little more with him. She got a stern “no.” Sometimes I really hate that just anyone can have kids.

Dear John Legend,

How long must we wait for you next album. People have died since your last one, does it seem fair to someone eagerly awaiting your next release that dies tomorrow? The movie 2012 and a slew of other apocalyptic movies have come out since you stopped giving us a reason to dance and make love. I’m listening to Trey Songz now, it’s an incredible album, but it’s only because you’re taking all this time to create. I know it’s all part of your genius but baby needs peas. Baby needs peas…

Life on the Discovery Channel in HD was too awesome for words last night. So, in memory of the Simpsons we’ll give it this word: KWYJIBO.

Well, Aside from moving it looks like there is one more show in March that I’m looking forward to, we’ll get to that later though it’s not quite here yet. Jaaam!

Tim (Miller) and I have been playing quite the game of tag with a tape from the Baltimore Comedy Factory when we were there last month. So far I brought the camcorder, he forgot the equipment to download it. Then he showed up with the laptop and I forgot the camera. Friday at Sabores we had our act together but I forgot that I needed to have a billion wires, an A/C adapter and tears from a sparrow to download that information. Then at the Arlington Grill on Saturday I forgot, I realize now that I’m writing this down, this is mostly my fault but the game continues. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not I receive a dead moose head in my bed due to my forgetful ways.

I have to get to Chipotle’s, yep, but I plan on doing more than one blog a week again. See you guys out and about this week, because getting out again makes me happy.

Peaces

Fox Five is around the corner?! Get outta my way b*tch!

Last night was actually a good night at Spy Lounge, which is only weird to me since Fox was over at Chief Ike's. $#!t, even I was tempted to run over, but I was too late and knew I wouldn't get on anyway. Curses, but non-the-less we had a cool sized crowd (wtf does that mean?) and they were attentive and laughing. Can't ask for more right? Wrong, big ti**ted women always make a good time classic.

Nothing feels better than answering your phone and getting the "if that's another female I'll f*cking kill you" talk", even when they don't really mean it, it's sexy. You never though, she might kill. Praise be to the wolf.

Marvel has announced the characters they are pretty sure will be in THE AVENGERS. The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and Ant-Man.... with Samuel Jackson as Nick Fury. Oh 2011, why do you taunt me? You whore.

There's a pregnant woman that I'm pretty sure is "coming on" to me..... gross. I hate kids.

Dear Mr. Chipotle,

I am pretty new to your restaurant, and even though I heard McDonald's owns it, it think it's pretty swell. How did you make so that every minute that your place is open there's a line wrapped around the inside? That's incredible. You prices aren't that bad and on behalf of all that like a good beer with their semi-authentic Burritos/Tacos, good look my n*gga. I have to be honest I don't know what's happened but lately I can't stay away from your restaurant. And I don't even eat out like that, I'm f*cking cheap. The reason I'm writing you is that on Sunday, for the first time, your restaurant made me get up and drive 15 minutes just to get some late night tacos. I bought late night tacos at 4 pm. I really don't know what you put in them but after my doobie snacks, I enjoyed your delicious meats like a barbarian. Corn spilling from the back of the taco, I recall catching falling taco stuff and shoving it into my mouth with my hand. I had to watch my hands after that, it was a lot of "taco stuff". When I woke up yesterday I was willing to be late to work, because your tacos don't leave much time to scramble for a toilet. Don't even get me started on traffic. I'm not really sure how many times I sat on a toilet yesterday(at least 10 and two different PUBLIC bathrooms.... UGGGG), but I do know that two times I had to jump in a shower when I was done. I can't recall anything stinging my anus with such a bite. I've been gushing like a woman on her monthly and I don't even mind. All that I hope is that you receive this, and break me off some free taco meat (Hehe).

Still pissing outta my ass,

TRich Baby

I hate when Travis Irvine looks me in the eyes, it makes me feel like he wants to date.... but he'd probably stand me up. Flirt.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. " - Lester Burnham

I've posted that quote before and just wanted everyone to see it and really reflect for a moment. Every second of every day is a gift, treat it like one from time to time. The people we meet, the faces of those we'll never see again, those who inspire us and those we inspire... I might have gone a little (or a lot) soft, but be happy for a moment. You have every reason to feel good. See you guys tomorrow.

Laters