Maple leaves smell a lot like cannibusSo, it’s been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the

Koala bears aren't in Canada, but he makes laugh so I wanted you to see it. It's been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the happenings. Ahem:

- I had to leave my favorite cologne at security in Reagan Nat’l Airport because I’m retarded and didn’t remember liquids are essentially a bomb. My mistake.
- Along with my deodorant and cologne the d’bag security guy also took both copies of my letter
stating my purpose in Canada. I worried but I’d have bigger problems trying to enter Canada than
that.
- Canada is pretty strick on letting criminals into their country. I didn’t consider myself a
criminal until they reminded me that I stole something from Circuit City when I was 19 and though it was wiped from my record (it was a video game, yep) it was still theft. My possession (also removed from my record) was of no concern. I had to pay $200 for a rehab permission slip that allowed me in,
or I had to hop back on a plane to the states.
- My hotel was way better than I expected, I was prepared for slum and got a nice Hilton, who
knew?
- I have never been offered a “smoke” so many times in my life! It was awesome how they think
nothing of something that is still not that accepted here, those people don’t even put cologne on after hot boxing. That was the hardest thing about leaving, and the comedy.
- Hot women were everywhere. What? I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
- I cleaned up in Blackjack, which was awesome since I lost a lot of money very quickly in
Roulette.
- Any Asian that goes missing here should probably have a search party in Canada, they’re
everywhere.
- While being driven to the second hotel I had to check into our driver got pulled over.
She found out, just like we did, that the car she was given to drive us in was not registered. It hadn’t been for five years, and she had an outstanding warrant. Luckily, unlike the other two comics in the car I
wasn’t heading to the airport and had nothing but time. We ended up standing on the side of the road for a minute waiting for someone else to come pick us up.
- I was unaware so many people were eating Bison meat. I’m not that much of animal
sympathizer but Bison is definitely on that list of animals I won’t eat. Not when there are fruit roll ups or cows still walking the earth.
- There was a blizzard one day, I enjoyed that thoroughly.
- I drank a Red Bull the size of a thigh on Sunday night.
- There were no Chipotle’s…

Well, with that let us continue with our weekend (perhaps see Iron Man 2) and we'll start brand new and fresh on Monday.

That is not how you spell Niger! You know this.

A husband in denial: “Damnit Susan, your mouth tastes distinctly like a condom. You’ve been gone all afternoon and I want to know where you were? Whole Foods?”

So, I’ve been drawing pictures of animals with genitals that are way too big lately. I know, Superbad was a long time ago but some stuff just is just funny. The problem with this type of behavior is that now I have friends requesting pictures. What do you say when you’ve supplied plenty of d*ck and the people want more? Tell them I’m not in the mood? Nope, I’m gonna buckle down and think of a cute woodland creature; then I’m gonna put a huge grown man d*ck on it.

I’m as giddy as a school man (I’m not a girl) about leaving the country. Not since I was a young boy leaving Germany (true story) have I been outside of the United States. I really need to travel some more, the next stop is Amsterdam. I need to find a new best friend the second I get there so I don’t have to be lonely and I have someone for foreign shenanigans. But Saturday seems like forever away so I’ll stay mentally here for the next few days.

I smell S’mores, but since I seriously doubt that I could walk around and find someone on the fifth floor in front of a fire holding a stick, I think it’s probably ethnic food. Gross.

Quote of the week (thus far): “That girl is so fine I’d like to walk over to her and just start singing an LL Cool J song. Hey luva, this is more than a crush…” – Nelson Sayson

When 24 actually ends, will they just have Jack Bauer blowtorch every bad person responsible for evil doing anywhere? He should be stopping people who are potentially evil from getting it on, since he won’t be here to kill their dictator of a child in 35 years. We’ll miss you Jack Bauer, I already do and you’re still here. Sigh…

Stephen Hawking has stated what I’ve always believed, aliens more than likely won’t be friendly. I’ve been up many a homeless person that told me they were aliens. Did I believe them? No, but just in case an alien was somewhat close by I wanted him to know to wear a cup.

Datpiff.com is the place where I’ve been getting all of my Curren$y mixtapes, I’m disappointed in myself for not listening to Hot Spitta earlier. If you like Lil Wayne’s work ethic, know that Curren$y put out 7 mixtapes in the last year and half, that’s free GOOD music. Please support real music.

Wedgie… got it.

I just ate some bacon that tasted like it was made from Kilwalksi the muscle pig. It was tough and had a jawline. I think I feel it flexing it’s way down my throat now, uh oh, sleeper hold!

Great, now I have Hey Lover by LL Cool J featuring Boyz II Men in my head.

The adventures of random dude:
“I’ve never committed a crime, except for the time that guy was trying show off in front of his girlfriend and I stabbed him for stepping to me wrong. Other than that day; nothing.”

Skidamerinky dinky dink, skida f*ck that song. I never liked the Elephant Show.

I must go now, there are wrongs to right and sodas to sip on.

Peaces

This office doesn't have a 4:20 policy Mr. Richardson!

Well here we are again, bloggin it up and making this holiday the very best 420 it can be. Hopefully everyone will get off that tush and come to Solly’s to celebrate this thing right… with a Miller Lite (wink).

I’m very excited to be headed to FunnyFest next Friday, I’m going to take WAAAY more pictures than I did in Nebraska. I don’t care if the only people over there are 70 year old hippies offering some peace-pipe-age. I’m also very excited to worry about nothing but performing for a week or so.

For the show featuring Josh Scott, Tim Miller and Courtney Fearrington; I just learned that I am allowed to wrestle with a bear even though I have no previous fight experience. Friday May 14th at Fort Belvoir, time is a mystery but I’m sure I’ll have it soon. It’s gonna be crazy!

I’ve been thinking that I may be able to get onto a Shackleford show with a disguise, like a 1930’s mustache. I’ll follow up once I’ve done the field work. I’m kidding, that’s a waste of my guess, he’ll know its me.

I sent an inappropriate picture of a bear with a big wenis to all of my friends. Immaturity only exists if you believe you have something beneath you. I am not bound by this electrical tape called pride.

I saw Kick Ass and guess what… I’m not going to say it. Just go see this movie.

Beans are not a magical fruit. They make dates very uncomfortable; or so I hear.

Alright, I hope to see everyone around and can't wait til tomorrow when I write a real blog. Jaaam!

Peaces