And here we are with what is sure to be a rainy Wednesday’s highlight: The story of Mabel, the big d*cked bear. And now, cue the theme music!
“There once was a sorcerer that got bored, so he decided to play
He found a bear that was full of joy and decided to make him great
He gave him genitals 50 times larger than were necessary
It’s impossible for him to mate
But don’t you cry, he’s got to much pride
To let that ruin his day
He’s Mabel, the bear with a really big d*ck
He never swears, he’s got hugs to spare
Cause with a d*ck this big who wouldn’t share”
Some have speculated that if you wander into the forest with a jar of marmalade that is aged just right, you’ll be in for a surprise. While there is no documented proof of Mabel, there have been many reports made to the Shingle Police Station of a bear with genitals the size of a dinosaur’s in the local park. Local police chief Johnson said “From what we hear, they are prank sized genitals, so large that people assume a friend is hiding behind a tree pumping this thing up with a bike pump or something. Hell most folks say he’s harmless, just stands there and lets you soak it all in. Most of em’ laugh stupid til he wanders away or run screaming from the thing. You should’ve seen this nun that wandered across it; white as a ghost when I found her. Only words she kept saying was BIG and Tali whacker; over and over again.”
It is believed that Mabel, the big d*cked bear, survives not on ordinary bear food supplies but picnic baskets. Wait… that’s Yogi, sorry one of the pictures sketched for Mabel has him dressed like Yogi the Bear with his “tali whacker” sitting in the potato salad. It’s really disturbing, and pretty funny. Anyway, Mabel does have a sweet tooth. This family says that he walked up, in broad daylight, and ate every snack they had in their camper. “Yeah, at first we were terrified, you know? A bear is right there in front of us and breathing real hard. I put myself in between the bear and my family so he could eat me and fill, that way he might only eat my wife and leave the children to tell the tale; he just walked right past me. First he killed off every Airhead that we had. Even the watermelon flavored disgusting ones got gobbled up. The whole time we’re watching him pilfer, I can’t help but notice that my daughter is gargoyle staring at the tree trunk this thing is dragging around with it. I was like someone just opened the arc of the covenant. Her eyebrows still have a lightning streak of white running through them. And, between you and I… it was beautiful.”
We only wish that we had the opportunity to catch this myth on tape. Hopefully Mabel is out there raising big d*ck little cubs, but we’re unsure of what kind of female bear it would take to mate with Mabel. Scientists claim that with his mythical shaft it would take a female bear 70 feet long to complete the mating ritual. I, for one, hope that she died quickly after what was surely a horrific scene that would make the Care Bears puke. Well folks, if you’re ever wandering through the forest without shoes on, and maybe you remembered you didn’t take that large jar of marmalade out of your backpack; or maybe you’re just eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Please try and get a picture of our friend Mabel, let him know that we respect his genitals and would love to put them in a museum someday… him too.
Peaces
“There once was a sorcerer that got bored, so he decided to play
He found a bear that was full of joy and decided to make him great
He gave him genitals 50 times larger than were necessary
It’s impossible for him to mate
But don’t you cry, he’s got to much pride
To let that ruin his day
He’s Mabel, the bear with a really big d*ck
He never swears, he’s got hugs to spare
Cause with a d*ck this big who wouldn’t share”
Some have speculated that if you wander into the forest with a jar of marmalade that is aged just right, you’ll be in for a surprise. While there is no documented proof of Mabel, there have been many reports made to the Shingle Police Station of a bear with genitals the size of a dinosaur’s in the local park. Local police chief Johnson said “From what we hear, they are prank sized genitals, so large that people assume a friend is hiding behind a tree pumping this thing up with a bike pump or something. Hell most folks say he’s harmless, just stands there and lets you soak it all in. Most of em’ laugh stupid til he wanders away or run screaming from the thing. You should’ve seen this nun that wandered across it; white as a ghost when I found her. Only words she kept saying was BIG and Tali whacker; over and over again.”
It is believed that Mabel, the big d*cked bear, survives not on ordinary bear food supplies but picnic baskets. Wait… that’s Yogi, sorry one of the pictures sketched for Mabel has him dressed like Yogi the Bear with his “tali whacker” sitting in the potato salad. It’s really disturbing, and pretty funny. Anyway, Mabel does have a sweet tooth. This family says that he walked up, in broad daylight, and ate every snack they had in their camper. “Yeah, at first we were terrified, you know? A bear is right there in front of us and breathing real hard. I put myself in between the bear and my family so he could eat me and fill, that way he might only eat my wife and leave the children to tell the tale; he just walked right past me. First he killed off every Airhead that we had. Even the watermelon flavored disgusting ones got gobbled up. The whole time we’re watching him pilfer, I can’t help but notice that my daughter is gargoyle staring at the tree trunk this thing is dragging around with it. I was like someone just opened the arc of the covenant. Her eyebrows still have a lightning streak of white running through them. And, between you and I… it was beautiful.”
We only wish that we had the opportunity to catch this myth on tape. Hopefully Mabel is out there raising big d*ck little cubs, but we’re unsure of what kind of female bear it would take to mate with Mabel. Scientists claim that with his mythical shaft it would take a female bear 70 feet long to complete the mating ritual. I, for one, hope that she died quickly after what was surely a horrific scene that would make the Care Bears puke. Well folks, if you’re ever wandering through the forest without shoes on, and maybe you remembered you didn’t take that large jar of marmalade out of your backpack; or maybe you’re just eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Please try and get a picture of our friend Mabel, let him know that we respect his genitals and would love to put them in a museum someday… him too.
Peaces
