Smog candy and the melancholy shoe strings

So far, the theme for this year is festivals. March- May should be very interesting and I haven’t been on a plane since 2001 so I’m very excited. There will be pictures, the revolution will be televised. Since there is considerably less school for me this year I’ve also decided to check out L.A. just to see what the scene is like. I love NY but maybe the west coast will show some skin.

I’ve reached a point of numbness towards everything and everyone at work that the hours here blur on a daily basis. Is this what being married feels like?

Bought Moon on Saturday for MLK weekend, because that’s how he would want me to remember what he stood for. It was fantastic, good science fiction and then they threw in Kevin Spacey. You had me at Spacey…

I’m still writing cleaner jokes and feel good about that. I never knew I was such a dirty minded person until I began scrapping all of my thoughts because of their subject matter. You don’t have to swear to need your mouth cleaned out.

Even though I can honestly say I like some of his music, the artist Plies has a name that will never seem right to me. Flies, there; I said it.

Still haven’t seen Avatar, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t care enough about myself. Goozfraba.

Andre 3000, I believe we have all waited far long enough for a follow up to The Love Below. That is all.

Must run, back for more nonsense tomorrow. SASQUATCH! (I only said that because so many strangers came for a lil Sas’ and damned if they won’t get a smidge)

That snow knocked my clothes clean off... condom too.

Brittany Murphy is dead. I really hope that Little Black Book isn’t movie they still show in hell. No one should have to be hounded for an autograph in the afterlife. R.I.P.

I’m staring at Chinese food on my desk and wondering exactly what animal is sitting in this container. I just hope it isn’t a Unicorn. That meat will kill you, only the elves eat them and survive. Yep, I read a lot of fairy tales.

Right now I’ll bet Al Pacino is shaking someone’s hand. I wish they’d follow that man with a camera. Sometimes I just think to myself “It’s 3:13 PM, I wonder what Pacino is up to.” I can’t be alone on that one.

There was a time when I was a slave to Snickers bars like I am to the ALMIGHTY Chipotle. I’m glad to see that I’m eating healthier. All that nougat was murder on my extra soft Charmin rolls…

Just found out a new prospect is younger than I thought. Blarg! Still very legal, just not as old as I prefer.

People abandoned their vehicles in the snow over the weekend all over my neighborhood. It was actually pretty funny. I had a good two hour adventure walking down the street to the Wal-Mart and carrying a plethora of snacks and a 24 pack of Budweiser (they were out of Miller Lite, I’m still a one woman man) up the street. It started with a walk to the closest grocery store, the lights were on but no one was home, seriously. Then Nelson and I walked over to peek in the Exxon, no lights and no Arabs to work the shop. We were blessed to see people walking with bags and then followed, it was a lot like a post-apocalyptic movie. That night I ate an entire bag of Funyuns. I’m a hippie, what can I say.

Young Money’s album We Are Young Money is pretty decent. Better than Dedication 3 (a Lil Wayne mixtape where all of the members were thrown on EVERY song) and I went in with pretty low expectations.

Another note about that album, if I ever have the chance to offer Nicki Minaj a sacrifice I will. I don’t care if it’s got to be human, that lady could have my first born child. I’ll just get another one, I saw a store called Babies R’ Us.

Testicles, that is all. – Peter Griffin

This blog has unofficially become the hot spot for people looking up information on Sasquatch. I’m kinda tickled by that, but it would be nice if they were searching from funny every once and awhile and stumbled on these scrawlings I call comedy.

I have on a lime green shirt today. I realize I look like a chode, but women look at me with hungry eyes when I wear it so I do. Love me!

This Chinese food is definitely Unicorn.

So that no one uses it; the word “Oriental” is inappropriate now. Just wanted to save some awkward stares if I could. I had to find out the hard way.

Going to lunch now-ish, uncork that wine you all keep at your desks and give a big swig for the gipper.

Peaces

Have another sip of madness, mmm that's good

New York tomorrow, Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend (despite the typo on the webpage that says Tyler S. is Hosting). Had a great weekend, much T-Day leftovers and Chipotle to fill in the gaps. New jokes, new Riding with Strangers videos to come this week (Nelson doesn't even know yet) and now; back to the Sasquatch interview.

And we’re back with Sasquatch, for those that were not here yesterday ol’ Sas was just opening up a bit about his life. Turns out he eats people but I guess we should’ve expected that one. Now we’re going to delve a bit further into this mythical beasture (yeah, I made that word up… you love it).
Tyler: Sasquatch, may I call you Geronimo?
Sasquatch: No, you should probably just use my name… Shaftmeat McGilicutty
T: Ouch, I think I’ll keep it formal. So Sasquatch, why did you stay in seclusion for so long? Why not come out and embrace humans and our society earlier?
S: For a long time, it was because I feared being eaten. Aside from the fact that I know my own meat to be delicious, I’ve eaten so many of you all that I would expect someone to eat of my flesh as merely revenge. After that fear went away I decided that I didn’t want to spend my life in a laboratory just because I was lonely.
T: What made you change your mind?
S: I have a damn good lawyer.
T: Right on to that. As something that was believed to be a myth, do you believe in the Loch Ness monster or any other creature that has not come out into our world yet?
S: Well, I would never betray a friend but don’t ever piss off a unicorn. Especially if he’s losing in a game of bones.
T: Are you a fan of Twilight?
S: Absolutely, Team Jacob.
T: Well, that’s…
S: (Growl)
T: Next question, if you were ordering in a Burger King, what meal are you eating?
S: I’m a Wendy’s kinda beast, number six, large, drink doesn’t matter.
T: Nice, I like their Big Bacon Classic too.
S: I said number six.
T: Ooookay, welpers, it’s about time to let you get back to your life. You must be warm in here because the heat is really catching your aroma and bringing it back to my mouth.
S: Yes to the aroma, but no to the heat, I’m quite comfortable.
T: You know what isn’t comfortable?
S: Do tell…
T: A condom.
S: (stares blankly while blinking)
T: Alright everyone, that’s all for today but we’re back tomorrow with updates from the city that never sleeps; Maine.
S: You mean New York… and Maine is a state.
T: For Sasquatch, I’m Tyler Richardson saying “Don’t buy the cow if she sleeps with everyone for a little Tequila. Good Night everyone.”

Meet Sasquatch

Sasquatch has been kind enough to sit down and give an interview. We have collected questions from several people online that we will ask here today among our set questions. We need not remind you that since he is accustomed to solitude, his social skills may not be what some would expect. But, no matter how it tastes, here is Bigfoot!

Sasquatch: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Tyler: Is there anything you wanted to say to those that have eagerly awaited your public debut?
S: Yeah, stop snitchin’.
T: Interesting choice of words.
S: Oh, and follow on twitter.
T: Let’s start with a fan question submitted to us online; Bobby Racter from Nevada asks “Dear Mr. Yetti, I’ve lived my entire life afraid to fly because I believe when I do you will be the captain and begin suicide bombing. Are you a pilot?”
S: That’s a good question Booby…
T: You mean Bobby.
S: Correct, Bobby you have every reason to fear me piloting a plane because I started that horror story. Truth is that I hate how long it takes to leave the airport and I wanted less people there so I ran with that story. But I’m over those days, plus flying is too expensive these days.
T: It must be incredibly tough to survive out there on your own. What are your main sources of food in the wild?
S: To be honest I eat quite a lot of people.
T: Jesus.
S: Never someone able to fight, or run. Just the sick and meek, and I’m partial to Asians. Other than that, berries and stuff.
T: When was the last human meal?
S: A few hours ago, it was some sick kid. To be honest I’m feeling kinda flu-ish like he may have had cancer or something.
T: Well, thank goodness you’re not hungry anymore; are you?
S: I’m good.
T: Then let’s see what another person would like to ask Sasquatch.
S: Bring it!
T: Kim from Miami wants to know how the love life is treating you?
S: I’m alone.
T: There’s a phone number here, would you like it?
S: Unfortunately, a relationship between a human and I is impossible. I’m a equipped like chubby elephant. One of the smaller veins along the shaft is easily more than most human women have ever seen. Look at what I’m talking about Tyler (shows him “the chunk”)
T: He’s telling the truth folks, I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but it is gross. And since you’ve unsheathed your sword I’m overwhelmed by the stink of the forest.
S: Yeah, never used soap, I’ve got a good cheese going on. I stopped smelling my skank about 40 years ago.
T: Please, tie that thing back into you’re pants like before so I can breathe again.
S: Flip, tuck, flip again… and, we’re good now.
T: Moving right along then, “Now that you’re out in the open, what’s next for the Sas’?
S: I’ve done some talking with Chuck E. Cheese’s and they seem to think that children are ready to hug on impostor me and friends. As long as the money is right, I’m good with that. I want a Bentley now.
T: We’re going to do a lightning round of questions and just give me the first thing to comes to mind.
S: Right on.
T: Favorite game?
S: Sorry!
T: Hottest woman of the last century?
S: Too easy, that Orca whale from Free Willy. She could stone cold get it. I don’t even care that’s she’s dead now, holla at me.
T: Favorite shoe?
S: Flip flops, the gays never outrun me in them.
T: Favorite snack food?
S: Midget.
T: Favorite movie?
S: Anything with Dustin Hoffman between The Graduate and Hook. The man’s a legend.
T: XBOX360 or PS3?
S: 360, be serious, come find out what my ass tastes like gamers! My gamertag is: WookieDik
T: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
S: I’m probably going to sit around my place eating left overs. I have no family and no one wants to be my dinner for Thanksgiving.
T: Wow, well I certainly hope that some viewer that may be suicidal will spend thanksgiving with you this year. No one should be alone for the holidays.
S: Kind words; I bet you’re delicious.
T: Nah, I eat a lot of junk food. Ready for one more question before we take a break?
S: Don’t sing it, bring it.
T: Who is someone that you would love to meet?
S: Sean Connery, simply put, his performance in Finding Forrester moved me. James Bond forever man, Scotland rules!
T: Alright we’ll be back with more Yetti chat later but for today it looks like peaces. Laters…