I have no idea where I’ve been for the past week but God darn it’s about time I hopped on this thing again. After performing on Saturday I resumed the 4 day stay-cation (c’mon that’s witty) I was in the middle of. I came back to work on last Wednesday to find something had been compromised and I’ve literally been working from start to finish when I got to work. Weird, if you asked me last week, I never would have thought that possible. Yet here we are, I’m eating a donut and sipping Cherry Coke and your reading the words of a madman who still has bacon on his breath. Shall we begin…

In courtship there are two uncertainties: 1) when you finally kiss on the lips there no way to be sure she hasn’t said good-bye to an ex, never swallow the saliva. Better to have a really spit filled mouth and walk a mile than to taste another man. Unless you’re a homosexual, then swallow away. Hehe, swallow… 2) I’ve recently discovered that the lotion-y goo that comes out of… it, does not mean that there has been “success” apparently some women are just really nasty and this extra “cream” is not an indicator. How do you know, you ask? Ask her to speak a safe word when the time has come (pronounced c-u-m). I like the word “Cheesy”. What do you like?

A couple of years ago I was drinking 24/7 including on the way to work and whenever I headed somewhere. That’s not the case anymore (despite the fact that comics seem to think I’m the worst alcoholic walking, I like to drink but when is the last time you saw me drink and tell an asshole what I really thought of him or just plain knock a comic I hate out? I don’t think anyone can answer that one… seriously) I sold cars a couple of years ago, but now I love my job and get thrilled with every homework assignment and exam I take on the road to wrapping this degree up. I was depressed out of my mind a few years ago by a terrible relationship but now I look forward to meeting my wife and depressing her. I can’t wait to see what’s different next year…

I won’t jinx the Fowlest, so I’ll just say that he’s got some incredible opportunity on his mind right now, cross your fingers for him… or pray. Whatever you’re into these days.

Whenever I picture someone playing the bagpipes I think of someone blowing into the stomach of a dead beast. Thanks Ren & Stimpy…

What’s wild is the more people are reading when I have nothing to say than when I jump back on this bad boy. But, I’m planning on making my presence felt for a little bit this week so hopefully people will remember I’m alive… and funny.

Eli posted some words of mine in his blog and I would be a total douche if I didn’t give him the opportunity to speak for a bit on my blog, take it away Eli Sairs:

Hello all, allow me to start by saying “I just plain don’t like black people”. With that said, I want Shaquita Jenkins to know that I love her and the tapioca pudding shaded baby that we made to know “Daddy loves you both”. I’m urinating into the trash can at my desk. I only let everyone know that because it got on my thumbs and I can’t get it off my mind. Rapper Fabolous turned 29 yesterday, BLANG BLANG. For the last time, “No I will not cut my hair, it the ultimate flavor savor… use your imagination”… take that conformist society. Tyler isn’t giving “a brotha” too much time so I’ll leave with you all with a slogan for the week. I was raised on it so I hope it touches people out there: “When life hands you a fist full of bad nuts, suck its d*ck” Bye all.

Thank you Eli, I appreciate you dropping pearls on us like that. I’m gonna take a shower.

I have almost gone out of my way to be myself at work, I’m truly blown away by the fact that everyone seems okay with that. What are the people doing to get taken down to HR. I’ve laughed at conversation involving people being paralyzed, then leaving the relationship while they re cooperate ( true, and I would definitely leave, why on earth would you want to stick around for that? Hey Nelson how are you today, feeling better about the circumstances that are now you’re life? “Yeah, they cut my hair yesterday and someone put on Looney Tunes so… kill me) and still no one blinks. People are so cold and unattached from what the media would have you believe is the workplace. Next week I move to phase two of my plan: Flatulence in very closed places.

Ducks are anti-semites… what?! It’s true.

On the way into my building last week a squirrel’s nut hit me on the face and looked up with confusion. I saw what looked to be an 11 lb. squirrel on 1 oz. branch that was as curved as a male hooker’s “junk”. I imagined that the branch was gonna give and this man-squirrel would go tumbling right onto my face causing me to be the butt of people’s jokes in the building for all time. Instead the squirrel apologized and we went about our way like it never happened. I forgave him that day and hope I never run across his remains on Follin Lane.

“… And me I keep it funky like pubic aroma. Hit him wit’ the glock, but him in a coma, now what boy got? Umm, glaucoma…” Oh Lil Wayne, how did you win most lyrical emcee again? Still the $#!T though…

My granny asked me if I wanted to go to Atlantic City with her and my response was simple: “Grandma, the hooker’s don’t even wear high heels. The last one that spoke to me had on jeans, sneakers and a Rockstar energy drink…”

I’d love a picture of someone younger than me getting to third base with an elderly woman. On second thought… yep, still want that picture. Hilarious, as long as it ain’t my Granny.

Alright I’m gonna go and hopefully it won’t take me a week to get back on my game. I guess you’ve got the juice now.

Laters