Letters that never made it...

Dear Mom,

For the first seven years of my life I thought you were a deranged woman that kidnapped me. I just didn't see a resemblance. Love your baby boy.

Dear Captain Crunch,

What happened to the Soggies? Every time you turned around they were messing things up for you and then suddenly... they got jobs? I'm not saying that they didn't deserve whatever they got, but did they have children? You're a monster.

Mr. French Toast Crunch Chef,

You thought you were slick; Where are your brothers that have been MIA for the better part of 15 years? If Snap suddenly lost Crackle and Pop people would ask questions but somehow you swerved around that. I want $15K underneath the oak with a hobo from Laos sleeping beneath it. Next Friday, noon, unmarked bills. "Don't f*ck with me Chef."

Dear Britney Spears,

Please wear socks. You've got a lot of dance moves, unfortunately dancing puts a strain on the toe game. P.S.- I saw you naked on the Internet the other day... gross.

Dear Scott,

You whispered something to me yesterday in class and your breathe smelled so strongly of $#!T that you made my eyes water. Show some self respect, it's smelled you ate a Snickers bar made of $#!T. And, I still need to borrow the homework for science, later.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Though I tell people that you are gay, I'm secretly a huge fan. I know all of the moves to your songs, one day I think we should go to a karaoke bar. No homo...

Dear T-Mobile,

We only have four more days together. It's been a hell of a ride these past four years. You were just a big breasted red-head when we met and now you've blossomed into the trailer trash hottie I always knew you would be. I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just spit it out... I've found someone else. She's not as pretty as you, but to me she has the most beautiful smile in the world. Her name? iPhone, I don't believe you know her. We're moving to AT&T on Friday once she's gotten her new rhinoplasty. I'm sorry... I'm in love. One day you'll understand. Goodbye.

Dear National Football League,

As a Virginian I would like to request that we have our own team. I've written this same letter to the other professional sports leagues in hopes that someone will have compassion. What kind of choice have you left us with? Cheer for the Redskins?! Come the F*ck on! Please.

Dear Mr. Penis,

Yesterday you made English class pretty uncomfortable. When it is time to speak in front of the class I would appreciate it if you would just stand behind me. I think you get more than enough attention when we get off of school in the afternoon.

Dear Santa Claus,

For the third straight year you have cheaped out and given me much less than the $1 Million Dollars I have asked for. Go F*ck yourself, I was good the entire year. Can Will Smith's son say that?!

Alright, well I'm off... til we do this dance again...

Peaces