Don't whiz on the electric fence

So far my iPhone has yet to play It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls on shuffle. I will wait and wonder if my phone has no taste. Because that shiggity is hilarious.

I don’t feel like I say the word “retard” very often. However, now that I’m sitting next a woman with a “different” child I keep catching myself before I let it fly. It’s awkward, about as awkward as when she catches me peeking at the kid’s photo during conversation. That’s all I’ll say about that because as I feel my face smirk I can see the devil dusting off my chair.

Yesterday’s Quote of the day: “Mommy doesn’t care, I have to go to the bathroom Jacob. We need to go home right now…” – Random mom in Wal-Mart

Yesterday I told a co-worker I was giving her an “ass penny” right after the penny landed in her palm. She threw it to the ground and then I told her I’ve been lying for fun lately. Good times…

Stay tuned for another date to a show at the State Theater. It was a lot of fun last year and this year will be more fun because I said so.

Did you know that you cannot choose to major in pick pocketing at most universities? That’s why I’ve started taking lessons from Ronnie the bum. Now I’m getting learned reall good. (the typo was on purpose)

For awhile I thought that R&B singer Joe was eaten by a dragon. Apparently he was just unpopular because he just released a new CD on iTunes. I was wrong.

A perfect night’s sleep is holding my baby and sneaking in kisses when she’s in her dreams. But, if my girlfriend is over I’d rather just let my iPhone charge and hold her instead.

Sometimes I worry that if I think too hard about something it will explode. Example: Winnie the Pooh, prove to me that he didn’t explode.

Photo bombers have and will always be funny to me. Especially when the picture is of a time where humor was not welcome. Then you look in the lower left hand corner and see some dick who’s just happy to be in a photo. Ah…

Perfect example of a 24/7 job: Stalking a stalker.

Any one that answers their phone and doesn’t say hello (just sitting there waiting for the caller to say “hello?”) should be beaten with brick. Who taught these people how to use a phone? Christopher Columbus? (Because phones didn’t exist when he was around so he wouldn’t know phone ettiq… never mind.)

Would it be weird to hire a party clown and just have him over to chill? What, I find the idea of chillin’ on the couch and drinking some Coronas with Bozo relaxing. But maybe I’m just old fashioned…

Just saw my analyst trip and gave the typical black guy response: “OH! Hahahaha” I forgot I was at work.

When is the last time you complimented Bobby Womack? You should probably get on that.

Cancelled shows are getting to come back due to demand by the geeks who love Adult Swim like myself. I wish they would add Being Bobby Brown to their listings so he could can have another chance to entertain the world. If you don’t think he deserves another chance at reality television allow me to change your mind. He used his thumb to help Whitney “go number 2” and spoke about it during an episode. The defense rests your honor.

Must’ve been a rough night for my imaginary co-worker… he’s only wearing a condom and Stacy Adams.

Dear Chipotle,

I feel I am not alone in asking, nay, demanding that you start delivering your food. Not only do I hate that the delicious drug you call food requires lining up like Oliver Twist, but I can’t stand the constant eye contact with strangers. Just think about it, I promise we’ll tip you well. Even the black people will tip, promise. I love you.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, August, jokes and $#!T… come.

Next DVD purchase: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (why don’t I own this classic?)

Must be going now, there is much pretending to work to do.

Peaces, I’ll twitter at you.