It wasn’t until a couple of minutes ago that I spoke my first word of the day. Oddly, the song that brought it about was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by (if you don’t know who sing that song I have no idea what you’ve done with your life. I hope you discovered the secret of cold fusion.
I like that people in my section finally realize I don’t like saying hello to the same people every morning. I don’t consider it rude, but it’s like shaking hands with a friend every time you see them. I know you now, let’s just embrace that. “Must we speak every time we pass?” – Stewie Griffin
Friday I set a goal of seeing how many times I could say “Like scheduling my second circumcision…” without offending anyone. Somehow no one even blinked. Am I losing my touch? Probably for the best though, it’s a terrible time to be unemployed. I can’t even be a prostitute because I’m allergic to latex.
Yesterday I went to IHOP and was surprised by the number of black people there. I’d lived my whole like thinking IHOP was “WHITE THANGS” and I was so wrong. Oh yeah, as a nice side note I’d like to point out that I watched Nelson get eye f*cked by a random gay Spaniard. Good times…
Nelson’s b-day party was Saturday and as usual there were more dead prostitutes than I’ve ever seen in my life. Now take away the prostitutes and replace them with Nelson’s friends, a TON (I’m an alcoholic and I thought it was a lot, it’s still there) of alcohol and a random gay black man… that’s a more accurate picture. Sunday morning was the first time in a long time that I’ve been hung over. I would like to not feel that way again for some time. I was barely able to eat my scrambie eggs at IHOP.
Crazy, but I smell my childhood Christmases. What’s weird is how perfect the picture of that time of year was back when it was still magical.
So, while I was at lunch today I spilled soda on a woman I barely know. Before I could fully apologize I burst into laughter. I believe she accepted my apology.
Shook hands with a big ol’ guy for the first time in years. The only thing that went through my head was “Feels like I’m grabbing a bunch of bananas.” Thank you Jack Black, if it weren’t for Shallow Hal I wouldn’t have such a perfect metaphor. I forgive you for Year One.
(Okay, take a minute to break dance in one spot. Don’t go over the top with it, just let people know that you remember your youth and the parachute pants are only a few steps away.)
TALK is to CHATTER as POO FACTOY is to my dog MAX.
Laugh of the day: Imagine a man with nun chucks that are nothing more than two condoms tied together. What really makes me laugh is that both condoms are “used” so on the initial twirls there is a trail of “trail mix” flying all around him. I haven’t said that out loud but it’s really been tickling me all day. No homo.
Lastly, I would like to share a moment I had earlier…. I call it: Fair? It started with someone describing a scene in Slum dog Millionaire where kids are blinded and sold so people will tip better. Then someone takes the money that is not the blind kid. I’m unfazed, allow me to explain. I was not born to Will Smith. Despite how unfair that is to me, no one cares. I could be on a yacht sipping Capri Sun right now but instead I live a normal life. I hope one day that my child is able to buy a slave and blind him for better tips. That, ladies and gentlemen, is fair. You’re welcome.
Peaces
I like that people in my section finally realize I don’t like saying hello to the same people every morning. I don’t consider it rude, but it’s like shaking hands with a friend every time you see them. I know you now, let’s just embrace that. “Must we speak every time we pass?” – Stewie Griffin
Friday I set a goal of seeing how many times I could say “Like scheduling my second circumcision…” without offending anyone. Somehow no one even blinked. Am I losing my touch? Probably for the best though, it’s a terrible time to be unemployed. I can’t even be a prostitute because I’m allergic to latex.
Yesterday I went to IHOP and was surprised by the number of black people there. I’d lived my whole like thinking IHOP was “WHITE THANGS” and I was so wrong. Oh yeah, as a nice side note I’d like to point out that I watched Nelson get eye f*cked by a random gay Spaniard. Good times…
Nelson’s b-day party was Saturday and as usual there were more dead prostitutes than I’ve ever seen in my life. Now take away the prostitutes and replace them with Nelson’s friends, a TON (I’m an alcoholic and I thought it was a lot, it’s still there) of alcohol and a random gay black man… that’s a more accurate picture. Sunday morning was the first time in a long time that I’ve been hung over. I would like to not feel that way again for some time. I was barely able to eat my scrambie eggs at IHOP.
Crazy, but I smell my childhood Christmases. What’s weird is how perfect the picture of that time of year was back when it was still magical.
So, while I was at lunch today I spilled soda on a woman I barely know. Before I could fully apologize I burst into laughter. I believe she accepted my apology.
Shook hands with a big ol’ guy for the first time in years. The only thing that went through my head was “Feels like I’m grabbing a bunch of bananas.” Thank you Jack Black, if it weren’t for Shallow Hal I wouldn’t have such a perfect metaphor. I forgive you for Year One.
(Okay, take a minute to break dance in one spot. Don’t go over the top with it, just let people know that you remember your youth and the parachute pants are only a few steps away.)
TALK is to CHATTER as POO FACTOY is to my dog MAX.
Laugh of the day: Imagine a man with nun chucks that are nothing more than two condoms tied together. What really makes me laugh is that both condoms are “used” so on the initial twirls there is a trail of “trail mix” flying all around him. I haven’t said that out loud but it’s really been tickling me all day. No homo.
Lastly, I would like to share a moment I had earlier…. I call it: Fair? It started with someone describing a scene in Slum dog Millionaire where kids are blinded and sold so people will tip better. Then someone takes the money that is not the blind kid. I’m unfazed, allow me to explain. I was not born to Will Smith. Despite how unfair that is to me, no one cares. I could be on a yacht sipping Capri Sun right now but instead I live a normal life. I hope one day that my child is able to buy a slave and blind him for better tips. That, ladies and gentlemen, is fair. You’re welcome.
Peaces
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