A suspect taken under arrest for robbing a bank at dickpoint...

The following was brought to you by the letter Q, because q is the ugliest letter in the alphabet.

Is it Thursday already, last time we did this dance you were only about 115 lbs. I remember you smelled like a bloody nose, cause you were on the rag. God, you were still beautiful though, we must’ve kissed for 10 minutes before I earned my red wings. What was that song playing? Oh yeah, Salt Shaker by the Ying Yang Twins… ah, we were wild girl. My father freaked when he saw the back seat completely covered in blood like it was. How else are you supposed to know to grab a towel without trial and error? He started calling the cops and screaming “What have you done?! You’re going to the rape house boy, why God why? Does your blood lust know end?! Where the f*ck is the body Tyler, where the f*ck is the body?! Did you eat the evidence?! Oh God, you’re developed a taste for blood and there’s no turning back now. Did you come here to kill me now? Go on, DO IT!!! I’m not your real father, you’re mother dumped you on me after that loser Tron left her full of his seed. Go on you animal, pull the trigger! I just wish I could’ve made love to Steve one more time…” The old man was as nutty as squirrel $#!T but I still wish he hadn’t committed suicide once he found out that was your blood. Ah, to be young…memories.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, tonight through Saturday. Have I mentioned Erin Jackson will be there?

I called my mother’s house two days ago and left a message for her with my sister. “Tell Mom that I need money and to give me a call…” Truthfully I didn’t really need money and told my sister not to tell her that it was a lie. That was Tuesday, this morning on my way to work I got a call. “I hear you’ve been trying to get in touch with me…” She heard that I needed money and this was the urgency she had shown to return the call. “Mom, I don’t really need money (She replied “Of course you don’t, you have a good job” to which I said “But I can always use more… give it to me”) but you’ve failed the motherly love test… I demand an increase in the will” There really wasn’t more to the conversation because I was arriving at work, but I’ll keep you posted on that will. Pay the man…

The following just took place, in the workplace:
Mission: Sexual Harassment
TRich: Hey Cassaundra.
Cass: Yesss…
T: Sex Fight!
C:… What?
T: Never mind.
End

Jake and Tyler have a new open mic in the Ol’ Comedy Spot, who doesn’t get misty eyed thinking of the old open mic. I remember good times, my comedy probably sucked twice as much as now but they were good times darn it. It starts at 7:30, forgive me if it’s actually later but I’m too lazy to go to my GMail right now… here http://www.tdcpresents.com/ I know its on there and if you are considering going now you can get it straight from the horse’s mouth.

If you have not read the DCComedy4Now interview with Jimmy Merritt, I forgive you. Now go: http://www.dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/ and find it (it was very recent), celebrate someone who hustled his behind off and put in work. I’m ecstatic for Jimmy and his accomplishments, he is determined and persistent. He took me on my first “real” drive for comedy. And I had a blast at the 955 comedy club, which led to meeting Odyssey Michaels, which led to Funnybone happenings and a lot of friends. He’s down to earth and quite simply “good people”. Wish him luck on his college tour, “Here’s to not coming home Jimmy… for a while anyway.”

I’m done eating Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwiches made at work. They give me the $#!Ts and the ghost of Christmas Past won’t leave me alone while I work.

It is 11:15 am, I’ve done zero work since 9:30 am. What the f*ck have you done lately? (Gotta love the movie WANTED, Mr. Timnus rocks)

New scent: Dolce & Gabbana The One. Gentlemen, if we don’t show women the definition of sexy how will they ever know if falls right above Seychelles. Which means island group W Indian Ocean NE of Madagascar ∗ Victoria (on Mahé Island) area 107 square miles (277 square kilometers), population 75,876; formerly a British colony, a republic in the Commonwealth of Nations since 1976. I only felt it necessary to give that to you because it took me about 15 minutes to search what comes after sexy in Merriam- Webster’s Dictionary. Oh my God, I’m wasting my life… in 15 minute increments.

I’m pretty hoooongray (hungry) so I’m gonna go make some room for food (…?) and then it’s off to fill the tank. Now don’t think this hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… cause it hasn’t.

Peaces

Hampton won the DC Improv Finals

I always hate how you have to search around to find out the results of the showcase. Congrateys Hampton.

That's the real Wendy (Melissa Lou Thomas) behind this man in a wig. Did anyone else know that they stopped the "young men in red wigs" ad campaign due to weak sales. Shame, it's was so random I couldn't help but love it. "I deserve a burger that sizzles!"

Random moments that brought a smile to my face:

- On a double date in high school, Nelson throw a strike while bowling. He had played horribly but was so excited that he jumped way up in the air and did a DX crotch chop. There was no sex for Nelson that night. Come to think of it, I think I was still a virgin the next day. So... maybe I should have crotch chopped.

- Jermaine noticed that I have a deer's head mounted on my wall in my apartment. My Grandpa killed it and gave it to me a long time ago, he stays now. But, he was appalled at how we decorate the dead animal at certain times of the year. I think his words were (this is around the 4th of July) "So he died for no reason, and now you disgrace him by putting shades and a bandanna on him?!"

- I stayed at John McBride's friend's house in Richmond, she was great and a great host. I accidentally left my hat, my favorite Kangol, over there. I never saw it again and haven't been able to buy it. I still have a white version, but that black $#!t is hot fire. I didn't really smile too much about that one.... I'm not hatin', I'm just sayin'.

- I still find it funny that at Sampson's show a little over a year ago, I think, the comics found boxes of wine and imported beer and straight jacked that $#!t. We apologized and meant it, but for one night we were bootleggers.

- When I replay getting heckled at Rascals in front of my mother in my mind I can laugh now. There was a time when the only thing that went through my mind was "what piece of $#!t comic brought those hecklers??!!! and is he dead yet?" I still hope he's dead, a little (c'mon now, my momma was there), but I chuckle.

- At my friend Jessie Thomas' place down in Richmond, there was a great Christmas party with lots of fine women. Jessie was drunk and didn't feel like making a big chase out of the evening. He picked the sluttiest looking ex-stripper, that's true, and approached... "I really think you should just f*ck me"... she told him she was celibate. Yeah.

- I remember Rory coming up to me at Topaz and telling me how much he smoked. Then he told me that he went bike riding with Andy Haynes. I pictured two really toasted guys riding a bike and laughing and asked him "Rode a bike like a stroll through the park, or Lance Armstrong?" with a huge grin he replied "Lance f*cking Armstrong man!" While the image was different now, I still found that funny. Then he told me he was an alien and I couldn't tell anyone or I'd ruin it. Over the course of the next 4 minutes of conversation, everyone that approached got told that secret and told to keep quiet. I miss Rory.

- McBride walked in on my droppin' the duece at what used to be the Laughing Lizard... I was horrible embarrassed when I walked out and everyone laughed at me. I would've told everyone what just happened if the shoe was on the other foot though, so: McBride-1 Richardson-0

- Driving through DC with my d*ck in an empty Colgate mouthwash bottle cause I didn't think I'd find a place to pee. And, I certainly wasn't about to get out of the car anywhere near Southeast. But, I found a church to pee in and made it to the show with about 5 minutes to prepare to perform.

- Watching comics bark at on lookers and giving jazz hands or spirit fingers.... it always makes me laugh.

- Last week at iNova hospital, Eric Molberg was performing for a 13 year old that just had gastro bypass. I'm not gonna make any jokes about her, it was pretty sad, but we were told not to mention food or fat people. He didn't, but at some point he said "Like I just ate a horse". Everyone in the room pause and I'm sure that girl felt eyes on her, I haven't felt that awkward in some time. That tickles me.

- When taping for Comcast's Open Mic in Richmond, the camera yelled at me for answering the questions in the wrong format. He made me repeat along with him then I did it right. After I did it right he screamed "NOW DO IT WITHOUT ME YELLING IT FIRST!" I wasn't even angry, I just pretty embarassed.

- Jermaine threw up after having one Miller Lite and some Wendy's. Oh, that's golden.

Well tonight is the Arlington cinema N' Drafthouse competition, week 3 of round 1. Aparna and possibly Will Hessler will be performing so I'm strapping grenades to my chest for some type of leverage with the judges. We'll see how this goes, then I'm out of town for a tick so there might be no Hersday or Friday blogs. Cause no one in my family that lives in Michigan has cable... sigh, that means to expect Internet would be crazy too. Sigh, I wish it were Sunday afternoon.

Laters

What ever happened to....

-An American Tail

-The Gold Dollar

-The God of War movie

-Craig Mack

-Tupac still releasing good albums

-Enjoying making out

-the Harlem Shake (just when I got crazy, it's not cool no more?!)

- Not needing a shower at the end of the day, as little boys the balls don't stink( am I right?)

-Thinking your mother was innocent and pure (cause she banged, then you came)

-Laughing til' you cried just cause someone said testicles

-Kicking friends in the balls for sport

-Waiting for the clock to strike 2 pm on the last day of school

-Cross Colours

-Ladies (1907-1976)

-Flat out telling women how you feel

-Johnathan Brandis( he died last year, he was the kid from Ladybugs and Seaquest)

-Walkmen (if you still have one... chuck that b*tch out the window, this ain't 94')

-Dreadlocks being frowned upon.... S#!t they look terrible

-$100 seeming like a ton of money

-Never really coming in contact with a fax machine, as an adult you should be very familiar with one

-Smelling mom cooking Fried Chicken and forgetting about that report card you got

-People talking S#!t and getting their face stomped... I went to a bad high school

-Being able to sleep til' 2 pm any day of the week

-Aerosmith, Collective Soul, Soul Asylum, Alice in Chains, Michael Jackson, Johnny Gil, Arrested Development, Domino and Dr. Dre making hits

-Sitcoms

-Small Wonder (yeah, it's a TV show but I really loved that one. Little girl robot in the suburbs...)

-That feeling of putting up Christmas ornaments with Mom

-The first person that wasn't family that you really cared for

-Your best friend from the 2nd grade

-Book Fairs

-The Disney channel, I can't be the only one disgusted by the S#!T they throw on there now... That's so Raven, and don't even speak about Hannah Montana (that little girl ain't even cute)

-DMX, read http://www.erinjackson.net/ the blog section, then scroll to that interview... Jesus man

-Usher being more talented than singing about falling in love in a club

-The Sizzler

and Lastly,

You.

Laters