I wouldn't, unless you don't mind a lil o' the clap...

I hate these long absences; I don’t shower when we’re apart. I let the funk wash over me, and more importantly those around me, to let the world know I suffer. Soon will be together again and I will B.O. hug the world into tears. – Billiam Shakespeare, the early poems

“1, 2, 3, 4… Hold the cheer! Someone here needs an introduction to a douche bag, seriously. Eck!”

The show at Catholic University was… something else. Part of me likes to believe that the crowd was tricked into thinking there would be a mass or something, only to audience members in a comedy show. At one point in my set I asked “So what do you guys do for fun around here?” The answer I received: “Read the BIBLE.” I think that awkward moment speaks for the show, but we did our best. w00t

4:20 was… I’m sorry what was I talking about?

Calgary here I come… in 2010. FunnyFest whoo!

Allow me to take a second a drop some of what I’m going through on others. I don’t really think my experiences merit advice but if it helps someone down the road someday, right on. When trying to break into the college market you will undoubtedly become familiar with NACA. This is not the only means of college work, there is the APCA, but it is the “Sony.” Meaning household name, most people flock to it, when truthishly ( I love using that word) Samsung makes a better television. Anyway, when you’re considering making that move you will either buy a membership ($$$$) or try to find a college booking agency that already has a membership and pays for other things that could be a hassle. I’m sure to many, the sound of a booking agency makes sense, it did to me too. Last year I made a concentrated effort to e-mail and call just about any agency that I could look up. Only one came back to me with “You’re a funny guy.” Once the reality of submitting for showcases (they wanted a lot of money right then, didn’t smell right) kicked in, I decided to wait. Now I’ve jumped back into that plan, but I’ve been fortunate enough to speak seriously with more than one agency and weigh them against each other. Turns out that the person who wanted a lot of money from me… well, just wanted a lot of money. Something smelled wrong about the figure I heard from #1 the second #2 mentioned fees. I immediately knew that #1, despite being the only one who thought I showed potential a year ago, was a bit pricey. Then comes #3 yesterday and blew me away, almost nothing. I can only speak for myself, but that seemed to be a big sign of legitimacy. Anytime someone speaks of a lot of cost prior to speaking about me making money I feel like I’m trying to model for John Casablanca. I still have other factors to think of but wanted to make sure that people don’t just go with the first thing you hear because you’re really excited. That is enough of that; let us move on to tomfoolery…

Just thought I’d share because it tickled me, this is an account from a woman in class yesterday: I saw a homeless man chase a perfectly normal woman up and down the street twirling a bag with shoes in it. He started following her and then I watched them both pick up stride. She crossed streets, he followed, she screamed and he shrieked louder. The crazy thing is no one tried to help her. We all just stood there for a minute and watched them on Wisconsin Ave during a very busy time of the day. It made my day…

I told myself I’d never $#!T talk through a blog, again, but Sean Paul Ellis cries like a hermaphrodite. There I said it. I was talking to him on the phone an he stubbed his toe on something. First there were a lot of swear words strung together, in no way making a sentence. Then I hear what I mistook to be a sea lion receiving a hand job. After listening and smirking for a few minutes I heard his wife come over and console him. At some point the words “Sponge Bob Square Pants Band-Aid” were used. I’m not judging you Sean… but you’re a weird guy.

Is there anything crazier than when you finish all of your work early and they give you more work. What happened to the days when they sent you home early to show everyone else it’s a competition? Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday…

Great, now I have Amerika’s Most Wanted by 2pac and Snoop Dogg stuck in my head.

Yesterday was one of the few times that I’ve just given up on trying to make eye contact with a woman during conversation. This woman’s shirt was so open, and “the girls” were sitting up like it was a competition for the better boob. I just quit about two minutes in. I’m going to be somebody’s father.

Traffic was, as usual, an old man whose nuts accidentally fell out of his swim trunks. By that I mean it was nasty.

Am I alone here, or does everyone else not give a f about tortured terrorists? We have got to get some better news. Somebody invent something.

And now for the obligatory “Dance up all over yourself at your desk” minute of rhythm… Mmm mmm mmm.

What’s better than one pornographic website? Seriously, I don’t know but I have to find another hobby. Did you know there is such a thing as too much of a good thing? Weird.

I will get back to shanty town, or as I like to call it “my daydreams.” Live well and don’t feed that hoe.

Peaces

It was way to juicy in there to be rape your honor...

Sleep is by far the biggest tease in the whole wide world. What I wouldn’t give to just drop on the cubicle where I’ve been sitting without worrying someone would come wake me. I felt the same way yesterday and didn’t get my bearings until 4 O’ Clock . Here goes one more day.

In the middle of conversations at work, my newest favorite is to yell louder than necessary “OH, you mean when you bought that big bag of bad crack?!” I’m as subtle as a samurai sword running along the seam of a scrotum. That really doesn’t mean anything but, the imagery of it, I was practically running along the seam myself. Moving on…

Right now it’s 8:48 AM (ET) and I am officially partying like a rock star… drinking Rock Star energy drank (that’s right, not drink, drank). Reminds me of being hit on by jean clad hookers in Atlantic City. “Hey, you boys like to party like a rock star?” They had on jeans and tennis shoes. Their prostitute card should be revoked for some $#!T like that. You’re giving the hard working, run in heels, pee on the sidewalk, $12 ZJ women of the night a bad name. In tennis shoes…

Instead of calling a woman “the C word” I find it funnier to call them a street hooker… in my mind… because I’m a coward.

Hot Broth was fun last night, lots of name and faces I did not know with familiarity sprinkled. Jake borrowed the ol’ iPod for a minute to play intros. I was really crossing my fingers for It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it on my death bed, “That song is hilarious to me, and I don’t see why we gave it to the gays in the first place.” I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKIN WEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! That tickles me.

Today I’m wearing a white polo and white shoes. I hate that fashion rules say people can’t wear white until after Memorial Day. That doesn’t even make any sense, why not go with Flag Day? Or Cinco de Mayo? Or the anniversary of Peanuts creator Charles Schultz’s death?! I wear what I want. It pisses me off that I even know that rule, like blue and black don’t match. I blind man came up with that rule. Black matches everything, don’t you read?

I watched Making the Band 4 last night, with so many crying @ss men last week I couldn’t say no. Unfortunately, there were no tears to be seen. Just horrible television magically thrown together by the most diabolical puppet master… Diddy. Give us back G-Dep!

I met a great woman at a party not to long ago. I was having fun and the next day it sank in that I should have gotten her number. I assumed that since she said she knew someone, I should have no problem tracking her down. I waited and waited and finally asked about her yesterday. As of right now, no one has heard of her… I worry that she was an optical illusion. Could I be surrounded by so many scandalous women that I had to imagine one that I could take out and not order an Extra Value Meal? Oh to be single in the 21st century.

The song Black Betty is highly underrated. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything to move people. Look at Ozzy Osbourne.

This energy drink tastes like I’m licking someone’s eyebrow… after they went down on a peach. That’s right, oral sexing a peach and then some juices got on the eyebrow. Then I break into the bedroom this is going on in and walk towards the man. I look at the peach, and then look at him, judging neither or them for their lust. I lean in like I have a secret and taste the eyebrow for sustenance. Then I cock back the hammer on my Desert Eagle and blow the man, and the peach, straight to hell where all the fruit sex they could ever have awaits. It waits right at the bell of Satan’s d*ck… fruit fornicators.

I don’t think I miss being a kid due to lack of responsibility. I think I just miss people giving a $#!T about you, every kid is special to their parents and teachers. Strangers would even help you out, but once you’re old enough to fend on you own you could be homeless and 19… you’re grown. I gotta stop jerkin it, I’m getting way too sentimental.

Atif Meyers left an open mic to jerk it. Tell anyone and everyone, sully his good name.

Bad news for any of us that find peeing at others hilarious. A man was sentenced to three weeks in jail because he stood up and peed on a woman during a flight to Hawaii. There was no argument between them prior, she was just watching the in flight movie and “Boosh.” I only wish I had thought of it first… I hope they rape him as little as possible during initiation.

I’ve finally broken a life long habit of saying God Bless you while one particular woman sneezes. I have a bit about a Muslim friend that never say it to, that bit came from this woman at work. She is Muslim and never, not f*cking once, has said thank you. She sneezes all day long so this is something that I kick myself for at least 3 or 4 times a day. But now, she could drop dead and I wouldn’t stop typing. I honestly don’t know if it’s because she’s pretending not to hear me, or if it’s a difference in our religions and she just won’t say it. Next sneeze the proper response will be “I hope you swallow you’re tongue.” Thank you.

I was surprised to see there was a competition at the Comedy Spot coming up, put on by Chris Hayes. What really shocked me was the number of comedians involved… 60. Yes, there are that many people currently dreaming the same thing for their future that we are, right now. Naturally, I looked through every name, didn’t spot mine. But, before I got all sensitive I noticed that there were a lot of names, really funny people who I did not spot. For once, I didn’t grab a stranger and give them a Stone Cold Stunner (mmmm), ya growns up and ya growns up. I remember how I’ve felt every other year when I submitted for the DC Comedy Fest and didn’t see my name. But this year I will not know that feeling again, “you can’t change the world, but you can change yours.”

Tomorrow night, a show that will take your socks off before blowing a load all over your feet… yep. Catholic University, around 7-ish, here is the lineup: Will Hessler, Jermaine Fowler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Hampton Yount and John McBride. Strap on something sexy and come join, won’t you?

I’m going to split, I have a meeting shortly and I need to rest eyes on someone’s chest for a while. If only I could pull that off… sigh.

Peaces