And I don't know who you are, but your fly is down, wear underwear tomorrow...

Observe and Report was hilarious, see it and smack anyone who mentions Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the face. The movie first line is “Hey B^tch!” as a streaker unleashes the beast in a parking lot. Before moving on to the next scene we see him run from person to person (about 7) with a different line. My personal favorite was “Touch daddy’s d*ck!” Classic…

When I die I want my face cut off and made into a mask. Atif, are you there? I want you to wear my mask and distract the collections agencies so my future family can run to Alaska… where credit doesn’t exist. It's absolutely... Boo Butter.

Hunstville (DeAnn), it’s been about a year now, feels weird. I still look at my Grandpa’s cell phone number in my phone whenever I’m calling my grandmother. On the lighter side, every time “I’m alone” I pray he’s got better things to look at. Maybe he’s busy checking in on you. God I hope so.

Being fixated on someone and being on heroine must be a lot alike. My mind keeps drifting but even after I get pissed and try to focus I come back to them and smile. And I’ve started ignoring texts and calls from women (like Babygirl, remember her?). Oh God, I’m still smiling… AH!!!! Boo Butter.

If case anyone doesn’t know, apparently the restaurant next to Rock Bottom (ground floor of Ballston Commons Mall) turns into a mini club at night. I saw a lot of rhythm-less white folk shake a tail feather. Right before I got up to show them what dance moves really look like, I pulled something. Next time white folk, next time…

Terminator: Salvation looks more and more money with every preview. I never thought that would be the movie I was most excited to see this summer but… damn. How do you do it Christian Bale? How do you do it?

What is a good friend? A friend that you tell about your obsession with Pauly Shore movies. A friend that listens and doesn’t judge you for your cravings for the Wea...sel. Then calls you out of the blue to say that he got you a gig hosting for him. You didn’t ask, he just cared and did what a good friend does. I was unable to make it, but damn Jessie Thomas is a good friend to me. I was really f’n touched, seriously, and I hope one day I can show him the same type of friendship. Until then, I’m just waiting for my turn. I wish everyone could have friends like this, we all deserve them.

I have a meeting shortly so this is going to be a shorty, sorry. Have a great weekend everybody, stay safe, I’m appreciative for every friend I have! I love everyone! This girl is getting to me… damn!

Peaces

You shut your mouth when you talk to me...

Bless Eli’s big heart, he takes on putting the list and everything with such a grin. Though, I don’t think I was a d*ck about it last night. I dare say everyone that came to me got a spot. That will not always be the case but for one night, I was super…. Thanks for asking. I even had one of those MEGA slices of pizza that Adams Morgan is known for. This wasn’t my first slice, Eli and I had a couple way back when we first went to check out the Spy Lounge. I ate a lot more yesterday than last time, why you ask? Cause baked like a pizza, that’s why.

I arrived at work today to discover that for a while it will be just an Iraqi woman and I manning a 6 person team. People using leave, someone’s father passed away and then there’s the dragon in the corner who eats people that can’t answer his riddles. I steer clear of the water cooler for that reason alone. He’s good.

I just saw a man with Rasta dreads at work. It’s not the first time, but man that makes me yearn for power. To fire his @ss and anyone that wants to stand up for him. Example, of course you may have one:
TRich( pronounce trich, you guys crack me up): Damien can I speak with you?
Damien: Sure boss, what can I do for you?
T: You’re f*ckin’ fired…
D: Wha… how can you do this? Without any warning or anything.
T: Don’t make a scene, just get your stuff. I can’t have you in here “Reggae-ing” it up. Hurry now, undale undale.
D: You’re a monster, because I have pride in my roots?! Because I choose to show it? EVERYONE, I’VE BEEN FIRED FOR MY HAIR STYLE!!!
Random woman: Oh my God, Damien are you serious? That’s crazy.
T: Crazy like that report you turned in last week. You’re fired too Carol.
C: Oh my God, you’re a maniac. I quit.
T: Too late lazy I fired you 25 seconds ago, are you deaf too?
Edmund: Sir, this is a little much, isn’t it?
T: You’re fired too Edmund.
E: A$$hole! You can’t do this…
T: Too late it’s done, good bye. LOOK PEOPLE, IF YOU CROSS ME I’LL HAVE THE LAST PRETZEL IN THE UTZ TUBE! I’M ALL THE GOD YOU NEED, that’s seems a bit strong, BUT NEVER CROSS ME FOR MY WORDS ARE DIPPED IN GOLD AND WORTH EVERY CENT.

See, I can’t wait to be the boss. Sigh, waiting sucks.

On Friday Nelson and I went to my friend Stu’s house. There just so happened to be a bong that stands about 3’5 at his place and there was no way I was gonna let Nelson walk away from that slow jam. He coughed pretty badly, but it wasn’t until about an hour and half passed that I looked over at him again. Nelson was almost blue and kinda sweaty with a quivering lip. We all laughed, then like any good hetero-mate (homies 4 Life b*tch) I took him home. I got two texts from Stu: 1)the phrase “gettin smacked” has been replaced with “getting Nelsoned”. 2) So it is written. So it is done.

Babygirl finally watched my set (video not live, wouldn’t want to f*ck up and look stupid). Now that that’s out of the way, let the robbing spree begin…

On Friday my old boss came up to present me with an award and a little monies for my old section’s portfolio last year. As he walked away he said “You know you can come back, we have openings”. What he didn’t know is that I’d seen the openings which were a slight promotion but that’s only because my old position doesn’t exist anymore so everyone received a promotion. My response: “I’d seen those…. NFL season starts soon!”

Today I had someone call my phone and start our convo with “Happy Tuesday Man!”. He went on to even use the word shenanigans in a serious manner. It’s a shame there wasn’t more time, I’d love to see what type of vocabulary he uses on a day to day. So many forgotten, more importantly funny, words to throw out in conversation.

Okey doke, I’m gonna go live some more so I can blog tomorrow… God, how pathetic was that. Too lazy to hold the backspace key though… yep.

Laters

"This town deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm going to give it one" - the Joker

If you have yet to see the new Dark Knight trailer, then I understand if you're not excited for no apparent reason this Hersday. A lot more Joker, more Harvey Dent (yes, you see him as Two-Face but you don't see the disfigurement) and even some interesting Batman sequences. Even before Heath Ledger died, it had to be a little upsetting that no one gives a $#!t about Batman right now. Show me lots of Joker and make Two-Face interesting, then toss in some street vengenace. That'll do pig, that'll do.

I smoke a lot less than people(ahem, Erin) think, mostly cause I don't want to smell like cigarettes at work. This is almost undone since Kevin, the roommate I work with, likes to chainsmoke on our way to work or if we ever go out for lunch. I've been trying to figure out what stinks in my desk for hours. Can't sniff too loud or some one might get suspicious: "Wonder what stinks over at that guy's desk? That d*ck should shower before he gets here." And, that is exactly what I hoped wasn't the case. Cause I actually woke up and took one instead of taking one before beddy by. It's my bag for work. It's got a nasty smokey funk to it. Time for a bag shower when I get back cause.... it's kinda grossing me out. Next time he starts to light a cigarette in the car, I'm gonna start to smoke crack. "What are you doing?! is that CRACK?!!" Yeah, I just don't want to wear your cigarettes as cologne anymore so I gotta mask the smell with something. Crack's got a minty smell to it.... or you could smoke less while I'm trapped in this car with you.

While my supervisor was going over some things with me this morning, I began to think of a lot of things that make me happy. My eyes started to water up, in a happy way, and then I realized that she was looking right at me while I zoned off into my happy place. Awkward.

Is there anything worse than finding out that every flirtacious woman you speak to at work is married? Yeah, walking around with forever-blue baLLs. But that could never happen, the first one actually happens to me all the time. All the time.... whores.

We are now 18 days removed from Malcolm X's birthday!!!!!! oh yeah, it's mine too.

This is a little diddy that some of you might remember:

Blue streak speeds by
Sonic the Hedgehog
Too fast for the naked eye
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, he can really move
Sonic, he's got an attitude
Sonic, he's the fastest thing alive
Look out when he storms through
Sonic the Hedgehog
Don't doubt what he can do
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, he can really move
Sonic, he's got an attitude
Sonic, he's the fastest thing alive
He's the fastest thing alive
He's the fastest thing alive