Working with Barry White

(This is to be read as though Barry White were speaking to you)
Hello everybody, we are coming to you from the middle of somewhere and as usual we’re completely bucked naked. Sit back, relax at your desk and pour a fine glass of good scotch. Ignore what your co-workers say, especially their looks, and go ahead take your shoes off. Poot as you please, let everyone know that not only are you comfortable in the work place, they aren’t comfortable enough. Give the boss a hug right before they begin to reprimand you. Are they gone yet? You should have put just enough grind in that hug to be unsettling without being sexual harassment. Getting fired is no joke in these economically hard times. Besides, if you get fired how are you going to afford all of that cream and ointment I recommend later with no job. You’re going to pay for those jellies and lubricants with the electricity money? Damn, you know that’s irresponsible don’t you? Whatever, I guess that’s what Thursdays were made for right? Turn your phone ringer on. Then set your phone to your favorite ring tone. Got it? Alright, now make sure the ringer is as loud as possible. It should be on the setting where the manufacturer takes away the ability for the phone to jiggle. It’s that loud baby. Call your self. That’s right, I said call yourself and let your co-workers hear your favorite song. If you have a friend in the office that has that ring tone when they call you let them know. Are they pleased with your song choice for them? They probably aren’t. But whatever muthaf*ka, the Pussycat Dolls aren’t for everybody. Ya dig? Go ahead and call again just to show everybody how you dance boo. Yeah… yeah… I’m bringing SexyBack…Sorry, that Justin Timberlake gets my d*ck hard ya’ll. Alright, you’ve worked up a sweat, and it’s only 10 O’ Clock in the morning. S#!T I don’t get paid enough to sweat like this. Where were we? Oh yeah, make a personal call. When they answer scream “All up on yo daytime minutes and there ain’t $#!T you can do about it!” Then hang the f up on that bama. That was fun wasn’t it? Yeah baby, now Harlem Shake in your seat for 15 seconds, no more no less. Think about lunch for a second… mmm mmm mmm, chili. No… you… didn’t. Now you’ve done it, you’ve ruined the rest of the morning by thinking of something so good you can’t work. Grab a snack and go to the bathroom to take your mind off it. Eatydoo, that’s what I call it when I shove in food while I make poo butter. A $#!T joke, yeah. Practice BrickBreaker on your Blackberry, people will think you’re important because they can hear the Blackberry hard at work while you eatydoo. “He must be important, he can’t even take a $#!T without working.” No I’m not, I’m just trying to break this record baby. I gotta make it past the 17th level before this phone is 2 years old. Try to get a stranger to take over for you to beat a level while you eatydoo. Pass the phone under the stall. Did they take it from your poo drenched hand? Probably not, right? B*tchmade, that’s alright we’ll beat it ourselves, f*ck’em. Wipe. Go on now, wipe. Yeah, now let’s get back to work… in spirit. If you got a cigarette, smoke that $#!T. Go on, yeah. Oh… no… you… didn’t. Damn, that feels good don’t it? Yeah. Alright now, follow the groove I just laid down for you until quitting time. If you still have a job tomorrow, I just clued you in on how casual business can be. Yeah, business casual, Mmm. And buns, “ No I didn’t”, yes I did. Oh baby.

I just felt like getting a little silly today. Peaces. Oh, and the Fowlest had his Live at Gotham auditions last night. Cross the fingertips for him ya’ll.