Hmm, someone dropped frosty... nope, not frosting.

Well, here we are at the beginning of another week. We made it… where is Johnny? Dammit, he’s supposed to bring snacks for the vegetarians at the party next week! Why Lord, take Pete instead Lord, take Pete instead! Pete… could you give me some space for a minute? You’re smothering me man.

Something that keeps running through my mind is the sword happy mouse from Alice in Wonderland. He never hesitated to pull his sword even if someone just wanted to know what time it was. And, he stabbed quite a few people in that movie.

Most valuable lesson I learned this weekend? When someone is hurling a television, you want to catch it.

I’m just about done moving and I feel like I was fighting off a prisoner’s advances all weekend. I have got to get in the gym.

I’m getting excited about a show on Wednesday, pictures to come…

I got my passport in the mail on Saturday and now I have all of the pieces for my journey to Funnyfest in May. Tickets, check, passport, check, ass less chaps… double cheek check. Ugh!

Whenever a Redman song comes on my phone on shuffle, I want to start stomping around my floor and “woof”-ing at people. His music takes me back to a simpler time, a time without condoms or crime. That’s right; the 90’s.

I keep wanting to yell at people like a wizard. “You have been banished!” “Valhalla!” “Head due west until the sun touches the canyon!”

The new stuff that I was dying to tell last week has grown hands and feet. I don’t really know what that is supposed to mean but people laughed. I don’t know what a joke with hands and feet would look like but I picture it kicking someone’s door in and strangling them for no reason whatsoever. Because jokes kill, believe dat.

When you have a classy woman in the car and you’re faced with the choice of Lil Wayne or Frank Sinatra; I’ve found Sinatra is a better choice. I found that out with trial and error of course, nothing was said but the awkwardness was pretty tangible. Lessons for the future…

I saw Eli Sairs pick up a dying puppy and punt it towards a trash can, which he missed by the way. The dog was going to die, that’s not the issue, the issue is that Eli Sairs is a litterbug.

I bought a MX vs. ATV game yesterday on a whim because the cable guy wouldn’t make it to my new house until today. I think I need to practice will power because I played it for an hour before putting Tiger Woods 10 back into the XBOX.

And yeah, I ate at Chipotle again yesterday. Love knows no bounds, it only knows textures. Our love is like touching a Rice Krispy Treat, slightly sticky but delicious.

Is it inappropriate to tell someone at work that you feel they’re abandoning breast feeding too early? Yeah… I should keep my mouth shut.

Peaces

Whoomp, there... who stole my crabapples?!

Good day and Spamoni (Spam and Beefaroni, yep, it’s a greeting) to you all! Let’s get down to nothing, shall we?

I wrote three or four new jokes I’m so excited to tell it’s like a kid bottled a fart and would share it with anyone just to see how they react. We’ll see how they do later at Recessions.

LOST was so incredible last night I think I’ll watch that episode again when I get home. Who would’ve thought the island would be the cork keeping us from the Devil?! I love it!

Chris Evans is Captain America, most of us know him as the Human Torch from Fantastic Four. Why we know that I have no idea, no one really saw or like those movies but Jessica Alba tricked us into watching half of it… okay, the whole thing.

I would never be arrogant enough to assume that a person reading this, read my tweets so I’ll break down something I saw yesterday. I was in the bathroom and someone was dropping the deucer, I then saw their feet move like they got up and were turned around pissing. It was odd that they did that in that order but then I saw slight movement. After they had been standing there for the better part of a minute or so (now I was washing my hands but I was curious) I wandered if they were spanking the shank. I settled on the thought that they were milking the snake and judged them appropriately. Then as I’m getting ready to leave their identification badge flipped over and I saw the face of “the jacker.” Not only did I recognize him but now I’ll never be able to speak to him again. I do care to find out what really happened because I have my story. Besides, whatever story would explain what really happened cannot be something I want to hear: “Nah, I found a wart on my shaft and was trying to pinch it off…” Or something like that.

Cheesecakes are made with a lot of cream cheese. Which is probably why I don’t go out of my way to eat them. I hate cream cheese.

Nelson came home with a bag o’ goodies yesterday, praise be to the wolf. Of course, that cause me to eat a whole trough of macaroni and cheese which might explain why I feel a slight ache in my left arm… uh oh.

If you haven’t watched Black Dynamite by now I have no idea what you do for fun. Punt puppies?

Sometimes when I think of Big Pun writing the song "I’m not a playa I just crush a lot", it makes me laugh out loud. Good lord was he fat.

Great now I have Rockin’ Robin stuck in my head. Think of something Weezy…

I hate that the urge to pick up This Is It is slowly rising. I’m not that big a fan of MJ anymore but when I was a kid I was just like everyone else on the planet and loved the man. Sigh, I know what I have to do… homemade lobotomy, it’s the only way.

Alright, I’m getting ready to “work” plus somebody just started a Soul Train line because our boss is in a meeting all day. Bet they haven’t seen the Wop in awhile…

Peaces

Monday, how did you get this phone number?

Well, this weekend was interesting, but rather than get too deep into that I would prefer a blog of nonsense. I will try to mention some of the weekend’s best and most awkward moments just to keep the blog moving. Let it begin…

We now have health reform, yay, I still don’t know how this will help me or what it really entails. Every time that I attempt to educate myself I get so bored I smell the color brown. Or I’m pooing on myself from boredom… nah, I’m smelling the color brown.

My love affair with Chipotle is getting out of control. I crawled into bed with half a burrito yesterday and had a dream so crazy I dare not speak it allowed. When I woke up the bed and burrito were in ruin, thank good I took time to put a condom on though; I use the spicy red salsa.

Yesterday my friend Josh had a get together with some friends and family that was a “board game night.” I kind of thought he was joking, we’re not that old, but after being productive all morning why not waste the afternoon and eat free food? His sister introduced me to her new boyfriend, who seemed like a nice guy. 10 minutes into conversation I couldn’t help but notice the giant Confederate Flag on his forearm though. I was done conversation after that.

Last Thursday a little girl ran up on me with two of her friends while I was walking my dog. She asked if she could pet him, I grumbled “S-s-s-sure.” Then she asked if she could hold his leash, yet again “S-s-s-s-sure.” I asked her to please not let it go, because I didn’t want to run around trying to catch him. Then after they walked around me a couple of times, they took off. I looked around the corner I saw her run toward and saw no sign of either. I was pretty pissed, I stood there talking to my friend Jesse and cursing the fact that I didn’t pretend I couldn’t hear her when I had my headphones in. After a couple more minutes she returned with my dog, and had the balls to ask me if she could run around a little more with him. She got a stern “no.” Sometimes I really hate that just anyone can have kids.

Dear John Legend,

How long must we wait for you next album. People have died since your last one, does it seem fair to someone eagerly awaiting your next release that dies tomorrow? The movie 2012 and a slew of other apocalyptic movies have come out since you stopped giving us a reason to dance and make love. I’m listening to Trey Songz now, it’s an incredible album, but it’s only because you’re taking all this time to create. I know it’s all part of your genius but baby needs peas. Baby needs peas…

Life on the Discovery Channel in HD was too awesome for words last night. So, in memory of the Simpsons we’ll give it this word: KWYJIBO.

Well, Aside from moving it looks like there is one more show in March that I’m looking forward to, we’ll get to that later though it’s not quite here yet. Jaaam!

Tim (Miller) and I have been playing quite the game of tag with a tape from the Baltimore Comedy Factory when we were there last month. So far I brought the camcorder, he forgot the equipment to download it. Then he showed up with the laptop and I forgot the camera. Friday at Sabores we had our act together but I forgot that I needed to have a billion wires, an A/C adapter and tears from a sparrow to download that information. Then at the Arlington Grill on Saturday I forgot, I realize now that I’m writing this down, this is mostly my fault but the game continues. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not I receive a dead moose head in my bed due to my forgetful ways.

I have to get to Chipotle’s, yep, but I plan on doing more than one blog a week again. See you guys out and about this week, because getting out again makes me happy.

Peaces

Nebraska, the picture-less version...

Sabores tomorrow night, I’ll be wearing ass-less chaps so say “hello.” Don’t make it weird.

I’m going to stop being lazy and get some pics of Nebraska up on the blog thing before the week is out. I’ll just have a stream of photos the tells the tale of “don’t.” As in, don’t ever go there, because if you crave things like technology, any taste of black culture or Skittles you will find that Nebraska has none of these things. I kid, it wasn’t too bad, other than being completely flat and I actually meant that black culture comment. I went through every AM, FM1 and FM2 station searching for rap in my rental car. There was none, I almost $#!T a brick when I heard Forever Young come on a pop station (I don’t even like that song) just because it was Jay-Z. Later that night after performing, I was driving home and the DJ who was playing Tik Tok and I’m Awesome, apologized for playing new music. I questioned what he could be talking about, but then he elaborated that even though they received complaints they were going to play rap music because that is what is popular. They played Jay-Z one time, and I hate to count Timbaland’s Carryout as a rap song but I got that stuck in my head from hearing it a couple of times. This constitutes complaints, those people did not want any blackness in their lives.

My hotel:
I stayed at The _____ Inn, I will not say the name because I have no interest in driving away their business. I arrived late due to Chicago’s O’Hare airport, or as I’ve nicknamed them “Unprofessional, we just don’t care, but you’re stuck here already place.” Due to the two hour delay, side note: pony up for a non-stop flight kids, I had exactly twenty minutes to set my stuff down and run back out to the show I came for. I was given my key quickly and then I proceeded to my room. I opened the door and the first thing the light hit was a dirty sock… What the light hit next looked like a rape scene or a botched robbery. I stood there in the doorway for no more than three seconds with my mouth hanging open then the woman who handed me the key ran and closed the door. She told me that they hadn’t had time to clean it and needed twenty minutes. I didn’t have that kind of time so angry black man started to emerge. Not only were they sucking up time I didn’t have but I did not trust their skills in cleaning. While on the phone with a friend I drove past their hotel twice, which took me about 15 minutes to turn around from each time (yeah, I kinda contributed to being late there) because it was so nasty looking on the outside I completely ruled out the idea that I could be booked there. Sadly, when I decided (for the fun of it) to pull into the parking lot and have a wondering look, I saw the sign… I was staying there. While they began to clean the rape scene I paced in the lobby looking for an outlet to charge my phone which was at 4% power that I needed to get me through the next 12 hours at least. The woman who gave me the key and apologized for the nastiness asked me to sit about 7 times while I waited and then finally realized “maybe he’s frantic because he’s in a rush.” She gave me a different room, a handicapped person’s room. The fact that it was for designed for handicapped people wasn’t a huge issue for me, but there were several things I couldn’t help but notice. There was a light on in the back of this spacious room, I turned it off on my way out. When I returned at 3-something in the morning I hit the light switch at the door, nothing came on. It was blacker than the ace of spades (oh, I love good ol’ fashioned racism don’t you) in there so I held the door open and saw the light that was on before. Then, letting go of the door really fast, I ran to it before it shut and got light on. I tried the rest of the lights and they did not work, just that one, and this is how we treat the handicapped. The toilet was an obstacle to overcome but you’ll see why when I put up the picture. Upon stepping out of the shower, where the water hit me in the stomach because I wasn’t sitting down, I saw a dead centipede on the floor. I held me disgust since I was almost out of there by that point, but what killed that bug? Yes, in case you wondered, I slept with my clothes on and on top of the comforter. Enough of the room, let’s talk about the show…

This theatre was filled with someone of the loveliest, older white folks a young black man like myself could come across. I am not saying they were racist. With that said, let me describe a scenario: I take pride in the fact that in an area like that I was able to get a great reaction from the crowd when they hadn’t been the most vocal bunch prior to my set. I find it interesting that people can laugh at someone and then instantly start giving the look of “now go back to where you came from.” But I’m not bitter about that, I actually choose to focus on the fact that they laughed. I don’t plan on changing the world, racial intolerance will outlive roaches, but for a second there they might have let me shake their daughter’s hands. And isn’t that what life is all about.

I have I Just Can’t Wait To Be King stuck in my head, sorry.

I could talk forever about how bad O’Hare Airport was, but instead I’ll make mention of my little connecting flight to NE. This jet was like the SS Minnow and I was shocked that I didn’t see one piece of string or tape once on it. The guy next to me farted and I sat there and stewed in it for the better part of 30 minutes, what kind of Lima beans linger like that? Oh, and the pilot’s name was Jack Swagger… that tickles me.

Hopefully the great Canada adventure will be better and the pictures will be of a bunch of women that let me touch them instead of dead bugs in my bathroom. Only time will tell, but we’ve got another month before that week long adventure.

I got my clean fuel tags, that is all, I’m just really stoked about it.

Lastly, I saw a terrible accident happen involving four cars yesterday. They were less than five feet away at the time. It started with a woman that slammed on her brakes WAY too early which threw off the two people behind her and the third car didn’t seem like it got a chance to brake at all. Ms. “I brake too early” just pulled away and left the scene as I pretty sure whoever in the Corolla was in traction. All I could do was cover my mouth with that “Holy $#!T” look, same goes for the hot woman on the sidewalk on the other side of the accident. Then I kept it moving, meanwhile someone’s Wednesday afternoon had changed their life…

Peaces

Good-bye Richmond, I think you have my Coldplay CDs

A quickie is what I have to give today. Let’s roll through the highlights of the weekend:
Got to feature two of the four nights, loved every moment of that.

Kenny Smith, the coolest feature I’ve met, invited me to stay at the condo… I accepted.

Aisha Tyler was incredibly cool, I expected a much more serious woman, hooray for surprises.

I had not tasted cake on a stick (like a lollipop) and now that I have I know I’m a man.

I wrote some new jokes, yeah, that’s just a filler but you’ll like the next point.

BOOTLEG DVDs! The condo just had them lying about, you’ll find out which ones shortly.

After stumbling through the tall grass, Kenny and I watched Ninja Assassin, awesome movie that was not given it’s due. There wasn’t a lot of dialogue from the main character and the story was pretty weak but I just wanted to see some action. I believe they delivered on that beautifully.

I noticed Twilight: New Moon was sitting near the DVD player…

The next day Kenny and I went in search of grub, we found a Chipotle after driving past two and many other restaurants.

My burrito was too packed with rice so when I took a bite the back shot off and it became a tunnel for meat to fall onto my plate. While Kenny enjoyed his burrito as I’m accustomed to, like a normal person, I had my face on the plate scooping into my mouth like his homeless “little brother.” It was still a darn good burrito though.

We got back and watched Twilight: New Moon with the shades drawn. Not out of shame, but because I couldn’t soak in all that goodness with the glare going. I give it a B-, couldn’t done for more shirt on that Indian.

I’ve discovered that Red Bull is probably better than beer for me when I’m going on stage. Creativity 1, Alcoholism 54.

Nelson got his geek on with Aisha and her sister Feri. I believe that Feri walked away with the crown but Nelson has thrown himself into comic books since we got back just in case he runs into them again. He won’t, but if he did I think it would be funny if he still lost.

The last night at the condo was weird because a drunk person who shall remain nameless got really racist when he smoked “the pot.” Potheads are supposed to be happy people but he stalked up and down that condo making fun times into awkward sandwich. Then we watched Ninja Assassin again.

That’s the highlights, I may have omitted some things that would’ve taken forever to type but it was an awesome week. I’m going to try to blog again before the week is done. But there will be many pictures from the heart of Nebraska by Sunday (or Monday if I’m a lazy dick about it) so look out white people; TRich is comin!

Peaces

Hey, look at me, I'm doing stuff

And what a wild week it has been. I don’t know where to start so let’s just skip all of that and get to good ol’ fashioned non-sense. Let me just say that if you’re in Richmond, as some of yuns are, I’m hosting from Aisha Tyler at the Funnybone and Kenny Smith (awesome guy) is featuring all week (starting with our great show last night). Let there be funny…

I am settling into the Prius now, I’ve figured out how to maintain somewhere around MPGs without driving up the highway doing 20 MPH. Hi, I’m Tyler and I’m black… and green.

Is it weird that in these economically hard times I have had the best financial time of my life. I hate to think this may all end when the recession is “over.” Every time I hear that jobless claims have fallen I clutch my wallet like it’s the last time I’ll ever hold it. I made love to it last night just in case it’s not home when I get there.

My friend Jesse and I had an extremely geeky conversation that started with two men discussing Nicolas Cage and what happened to his career. Within two minutes it was two fan boys arguing (Jesse’s side) whether he was just incredible or (my side) any one could have done what he and Travolta did because the script was awesome. Ah, to be young.

Next week I plan on a picture adventure of Nebraska, I will go out of my way to take an uncomfortable pose with as many white elderly people as I possibly can. I don’t know; it’s just funny to me. (But Tyler, what’s a black guy doing in Nebraska? Is it safe for you there?) Well inner voice, I would rather wait and let the pictures tell my story. First week of May is Canada week: w00t!

I hate moving… that is all.

I ate enough Chipotle last week to feed a family of four. My only goal at this point is to make it to some level of recognition where I can work out a Jared/Subway relationship where I get free Chipotle all the time and I only have to give them my soul.

Is it weirder seeing a black guy going hard to Lil’ Wayne in a Prius or seeing a black guy in a Prius yelling and swearing at the top of his lungs at the dick in front of him? It’s been an interesting week.

Danger zone (like Top Gun/ Archer), sorry but if I don’t get them out of my system I’ll never have a real conversation with Aisha Tyler. “So, how old are you?” Danger Zone!

I have finally seen Black Dynamite and have to give it two guns up. Who knew Michael Jai White could be that funny? Classic.

Man I wish I could play the piano, but I’m way too lazy to learn. They need to make Piano Hero, I could pretend to soooo talented…

Sasquatch watchers: I don’t want you to feel under appreciated so as your Rat King I give to you (see below)