Hello Thursday, you didn't come home last night. I waited...

Merry Thursday everyone! Last night at Soundry’s was fun, I got to eye hump some picture of a bubble butted woman. Jaaam!

The joke writing machine continues, I have never written so many in such little time… I feel like every other comic now! I wish I had thought of something new tonight but perhaps it will come to me between now and 7 O’ Clock. Something to do with hyena meat, the clock is ticking.

The iPhone will finally be able to multi-task. Uh oh, the floor beneath me is coming apart, AH! OMG:
TRich: Who is that? What’s going on?
Dark figure: I’m here to claim what is rightfully mine.
T: What does that have to do with me? OH NO, are you…
Both: Satan!
S: Come with me, you begged for multi-tasking and whined like every other Apple fan boy. Well you have what you crave, now I want your soul.
T: What happened to my wish for a million dollars when I was eight years old?
S: I can’t grant every wish that is thrown out into the universe.
T: Well a lot of other people asked for the same thing. Why aren’t you coming for them?
S: Because someone has to be made into an example!
T: What about Nelson or Sean Paul Ellis? They would both use this ability a lot more and probably wanted it a lot more.
S: Hmm… well, I guess; NO! I won’t be swayed or bargained with. Now get in the sack!
T: You don’t have a car or an elevator? Jesus.
Jesus: Yes my son.
T: Look, I may have exaggerated and sold my soul for Apple to allow the iPhone to have multi-tasking. But you know me, I go overboard quite a bit.
J: You will always be my child, and when your times comes to leave this planet you will come with me not him.
S: FINE! Hey kid, give me those guy’s addresses you mentioned before.
T: Gotta pen?
S: No, I was hoping you did.
T: Then f*** off. Hey Jesus, can I have a peek at Heaven?
J: Sure, hop in the sack.
T: I guess no one has a car or an elevator…
J: You can wait for your look at Heaven, maybe when you get here you won’t be such a smug jerk.
T: That wasn’t very nice.
J: Sorry, I missed LOST the other night and I’ve been taking it out on everyone.
T: Me too, no worries J man, we’ll both see it eventually.
J: Peaces TRich.
T: Peaces Jesus. Hey Satan…
S: Yeah.
T: F*** off, what are you still doing here?
S: I really hate you.
T: Back at ya Satan, back at ya.

I had way too big a grin writing that, thank goodness no one at work peeked over my shoulder to see. How could they treat me like a normal individual after finding out how truly strange I am? But the trick is to embrace it, never run from it.

I’m leaving work now so I’ll see whoever is out at Hot Broth tonight and tomorrow at 3 Chord Comedy at 7 PM! Just do it!

Peaces

Good-bye Richmond, I think you have my Coldplay CDs

A quickie is what I have to give today. Let’s roll through the highlights of the weekend:
Got to feature two of the four nights, loved every moment of that.

Kenny Smith, the coolest feature I’ve met, invited me to stay at the condo… I accepted.

Aisha Tyler was incredibly cool, I expected a much more serious woman, hooray for surprises.

I had not tasted cake on a stick (like a lollipop) and now that I have I know I’m a man.

I wrote some new jokes, yeah, that’s just a filler but you’ll like the next point.

BOOTLEG DVDs! The condo just had them lying about, you’ll find out which ones shortly.

After stumbling through the tall grass, Kenny and I watched Ninja Assassin, awesome movie that was not given it’s due. There wasn’t a lot of dialogue from the main character and the story was pretty weak but I just wanted to see some action. I believe they delivered on that beautifully.

I noticed Twilight: New Moon was sitting near the DVD player…

The next day Kenny and I went in search of grub, we found a Chipotle after driving past two and many other restaurants.

My burrito was too packed with rice so when I took a bite the back shot off and it became a tunnel for meat to fall onto my plate. While Kenny enjoyed his burrito as I’m accustomed to, like a normal person, I had my face on the plate scooping into my mouth like his homeless “little brother.” It was still a darn good burrito though.

We got back and watched Twilight: New Moon with the shades drawn. Not out of shame, but because I couldn’t soak in all that goodness with the glare going. I give it a B-, couldn’t done for more shirt on that Indian.

I’ve discovered that Red Bull is probably better than beer for me when I’m going on stage. Creativity 1, Alcoholism 54.

Nelson got his geek on with Aisha and her sister Feri. I believe that Feri walked away with the crown but Nelson has thrown himself into comic books since we got back just in case he runs into them again. He won’t, but if he did I think it would be funny if he still lost.

The last night at the condo was weird because a drunk person who shall remain nameless got really racist when he smoked “the pot.” Potheads are supposed to be happy people but he stalked up and down that condo making fun times into awkward sandwich. Then we watched Ninja Assassin again.

That’s the highlights, I may have omitted some things that would’ve taken forever to type but it was an awesome week. I’m going to try to blog again before the week is done. But there will be many pictures from the heart of Nebraska by Sunday (or Monday if I’m a lazy dick about it) so look out white people; TRich is comin!

Peaces

Just like starting over

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The Chimp "Ripped her face off!"

DVDuesday is here again, unfortunately there haven’t been any GOOD releases in the past few weeks. Sigh, the Oscars didn’t really give me anything to look forward to. Let me just touch on Slumdog Millionaire for a hot second. Apparently, and I could be wrong but my friend Azad broke it down for me: A man wins Slumdog Millionaire and is questioned as to how he of all people could have known the answers to the questions? While explaining how he knew the answers he ensnares us in a love story from his life… That plot sucks like a fresh new b*tch on a dirty block. And it’s a Bollywood film which means there will be mysterious breaking into song that everyone seems to know the steps to. I had a female-friend (have to be careful with my words…I’m kidding, we did not bang) that went through a huge Bollywood phase and I got sucked into watching some. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, THE LOVE GURU (truthfully, I’ve only read the back of the DVD at Blockbuster… but I still regretted it), but I have no interest in seeing Slumdog now. AND HOW THE F DOES CHRISTOPHER NOLAN NOT GET A BEST DIRECTOR OR BEST MOVIE NOMINATION?! Titanic set all kinds of records for nominations and awards, it also happens to be the top grossing movie of all time. I know money and awards have nothing to do with each other, but how does the number TWO movies of all time (grossing, but number 1 in our hearts) come up like a nerd at the prom? It’s wrong, but they did give the Joker his due, I guess we fanboys are supposed to find solace in that.

Sipping hot chocolate… calms the early morning erections.

Nelson and I were unable to make our newest video “You’re eating too loudly in McDonald’s” last weekend. Don’t worry, we’ve got a ton of Marymount University students coming down to one on Saturday (why they want to be in this skit that pays nothing I have no idea) and it should be funny. I say “should be” because sometimes the awkward that I find so funny is just awkward… did you catch my sarcasm there?

Jermaine and I will have a new blog of movie reviews. I wish I could give more details but since it’s only like a week away from going up I’ll let it speak for itself. That man is silly so you know his first review is going to be off the chain.

Maybe I’m just a product of my environment, but when I see a fine woman cough; it’s tuberculosis.

Atif, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t win the DC Improv college competition. Thanks for giving me your Gamertag, rest assured if there is one thing that makes people feel better, it’s me. I can’t think of a better way to get over the blues of losing than to grease yourself up with K-Y jelly and climb into the twisted d*ck of death that I call XBOX LIVE. I will show you no mercy, but that’s out of love. You can pick the game but I need you to do me a favor; I don’t want some shell of a man coming into DADDY’S house (o’ pain). You trim up “the beard of brilliance”, go get a hoagie, brush your teeth and pick the naps from the pubes (what?! Doesn’t everyone get those around the edges of the ball fro?) I want you to be top shelf when I rape you! But seriously, sorry to read that you were a little bummed, might even let you win one… nah.

Let’s take a moment to celebrate an important man. An adventurer who sought out to carve his niche in history. Yes everyone, I’m talking about whoever the man was that named the Grundle. Without him where would we be? Thank you sir, thank you.

I think I’ve been mistaking looks of hatred for sexual tension lately. Hmmmm.

Sometimes I rap to myself, with the iPod of course, and worry that people will catch me and laugh. I’ve told myself that everyone does it but the more I spy on people, the more I see they don’t. Perhaps I’m as unprofessional as in my nightmares… but in real life my fly isn’t broken so my d*ck doesn’t keep falling out.

TRich’s quote of the week:
I know it’s only Tuesday but last night while watching 24, Jack Bauer gave the red hed a look while they were having an argument. Without missing a beat Nelson says “Now she’s wet… with fear.” So gross, and yet so classic.

I’ve had the song “Close to you” (you know, “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you come near? Just like me they long to be…”) stuck in my head for well over a week. Perhaps under this exterior of ignorance and narcissism, there lies a romantic just waiting to burst out? I doubt it. I often judge my friend Leah for always going after the wrong guy (possibly because I’m secretly in love with her) but truthfully I always do the same thing. One day I’ll get the hang of “women”… sigh.

Reading about the woman who got attacked by the chimp in Connecticut really never loses interest to me. I can’t forget the look of horror on my face when the woman said the chimp “ripped her face off.” It could only be matched by the look when she screamed “He’s eating her”… my God. That immediately took away any fun thought I had of primates and I saw Mighty Joe Young for the monster he really was. Then I watched a video on YouTube “Violent Chimpanzee Attack” (please look that up and watch, I’ll add it when I get home later) which showed a gang of chimps stalk through the jungle until the run up on a small group of other chimps. The result was cannibalism… why did it take me being a 25 year old man to understand how truly sick chimps can be? Teach the children, cause if I knew then what I know now I would never even enter their section of the zoo. Too dangerous…

“I hope your piranha bite…” – Lil Wayne

I wanted to give that quote to show one of the many unpleasant names men have come up with for a vagina. Let’s look at some more:
Kitty Kat
That Thang
Ill Na Na
Gitchy Gitchy
Punana
P*ssy
Phat Rabbit
Waffle
Peach
Hamburgler

I think I’ve made my point, and yeah, I’m aware I’m the only one that likes to call it the Hamburgler. Point is that the vagine has a lot of different name and almost all of them are unattractive in some way. Why? I honestly don’t know, the penis is a much uglier instrument (VAINS, UGGG!). Oh well, I still wish I had a waffle to snack on right now.

I’m spent for the day but wanted to give all of the people who depend on a little non-sense and a cool picture a chance to smile. To everyone else “Hi Mama.”

Peaces

My comedy doens't suck, or swall...oh, I get it.

Yesterday I had one of the best days a man could ask for. Got my tax return, had a class that let me out around 1:30 pm, attractive females in said class(B*tch holla!), Had an e-mail/phone conversation that could change my life(don't want to jinx this one so I'll be patient with it... c'mon May) and there was still plenty of that sweet sticky to go around when I got home. All on a Tuesday, who would have thought. If only I hadn't fallen asleep so early. Holy crap, that scene in Beowulf where you see a nude-ish Angelina Jolie never seems to stop taking my attention... thanks God they let me watch my iPod at work. Boosh!

Tonight I join a group of comics bringing funny to the children at Fairfax Inova hospital. My sister was born there, ah, memories. May I be as clean as Hampton... cause apparently he's keeping it clean for the kiddies. So why the f@ck can't I?!!

Nelson has turned a female friend into something more I think. Spent a day going to museums and then come home to watch some movies and snuggle up... I'm so happy for him. Lord know that I wrote him off as gay, and I wish that when he finally gets her to un-ass some of that chute, I could open the door and have a high five waiting there for him. Not that he would need it, but just in case his abs(what abs?!) or back started to hurt whilst mid stroke, he'd see the hand and pound it(the hand) knowing that I was cheering him on. I only hope the hand is clean of... woman spunk before he high fives me. Woman spunk

What sucks most about being friends with females? Hearing about the horrible people they screw and how little it took for others to sleep with them. And one day I'm gonna marry one of these animals... if only there were some option other than being gay. Oh how I wish...

If anyone thinks of any topics that are even remotely related to college, please let me know. I need 5-10 minutes of something to do with college in the worst way. There's a kid being held against his will in an old shoe, HIS life depends on it. Okay, that was a lie, but you still need to think of a joke for me.

And just in case it's been a while since you kissed the sky:

Excert from Tha King by T.I.:

I'm king of the south now, but theres fifty states

Cause I'ma spread out and I'll eliminate who in the way

I'm 24 today, give me til I'm 28

I'll be ruler of all that I survey and not just in the state

See I bend just to win, but I ain't finna break

Most you niggas fake, and I'll say it in ya face

Laters