The Chimp "Ripped her face off!"

DVDuesday is here again, unfortunately there haven’t been any GOOD releases in the past few weeks. Sigh, the Oscars didn’t really give me anything to look forward to. Let me just touch on Slumdog Millionaire for a hot second. Apparently, and I could be wrong but my friend Azad broke it down for me: A man wins Slumdog Millionaire and is questioned as to how he of all people could have known the answers to the questions? While explaining how he knew the answers he ensnares us in a love story from his life… That plot sucks like a fresh new b*tch on a dirty block. And it’s a Bollywood film which means there will be mysterious breaking into song that everyone seems to know the steps to. I had a female-friend (have to be careful with my words…I’m kidding, we did not bang) that went through a huge Bollywood phase and I got sucked into watching some. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, THE LOVE GURU (truthfully, I’ve only read the back of the DVD at Blockbuster… but I still regretted it), but I have no interest in seeing Slumdog now. AND HOW THE F DOES CHRISTOPHER NOLAN NOT GET A BEST DIRECTOR OR BEST MOVIE NOMINATION?! Titanic set all kinds of records for nominations and awards, it also happens to be the top grossing movie of all time. I know money and awards have nothing to do with each other, but how does the number TWO movies of all time (grossing, but number 1 in our hearts) come up like a nerd at the prom? It’s wrong, but they did give the Joker his due, I guess we fanboys are supposed to find solace in that.

Sipping hot chocolate… calms the early morning erections.

Nelson and I were unable to make our newest video “You’re eating too loudly in McDonald’s” last weekend. Don’t worry, we’ve got a ton of Marymount University students coming down to one on Saturday (why they want to be in this skit that pays nothing I have no idea) and it should be funny. I say “should be” because sometimes the awkward that I find so funny is just awkward… did you catch my sarcasm there?

Jermaine and I will have a new blog of movie reviews. I wish I could give more details but since it’s only like a week away from going up I’ll let it speak for itself. That man is silly so you know his first review is going to be off the chain.

Maybe I’m just a product of my environment, but when I see a fine woman cough; it’s tuberculosis.

Atif, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t win the DC Improv college competition. Thanks for giving me your Gamertag, rest assured if there is one thing that makes people feel better, it’s me. I can’t think of a better way to get over the blues of losing than to grease yourself up with K-Y jelly and climb into the twisted d*ck of death that I call XBOX LIVE. I will show you no mercy, but that’s out of love. You can pick the game but I need you to do me a favor; I don’t want some shell of a man coming into DADDY’S house (o’ pain). You trim up “the beard of brilliance”, go get a hoagie, brush your teeth and pick the naps from the pubes (what?! Doesn’t everyone get those around the edges of the ball fro?) I want you to be top shelf when I rape you! But seriously, sorry to read that you were a little bummed, might even let you win one… nah.

Let’s take a moment to celebrate an important man. An adventurer who sought out to carve his niche in history. Yes everyone, I’m talking about whoever the man was that named the Grundle. Without him where would we be? Thank you sir, thank you.

I think I’ve been mistaking looks of hatred for sexual tension lately. Hmmmm.

Sometimes I rap to myself, with the iPod of course, and worry that people will catch me and laugh. I’ve told myself that everyone does it but the more I spy on people, the more I see they don’t. Perhaps I’m as unprofessional as in my nightmares… but in real life my fly isn’t broken so my d*ck doesn’t keep falling out.

TRich’s quote of the week:
I know it’s only Tuesday but last night while watching 24, Jack Bauer gave the red hed a look while they were having an argument. Without missing a beat Nelson says “Now she’s wet… with fear.” So gross, and yet so classic.

I’ve had the song “Close to you” (you know, “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you come near? Just like me they long to be…”) stuck in my head for well over a week. Perhaps under this exterior of ignorance and narcissism, there lies a romantic just waiting to burst out? I doubt it. I often judge my friend Leah for always going after the wrong guy (possibly because I’m secretly in love with her) but truthfully I always do the same thing. One day I’ll get the hang of “women”… sigh.

Reading about the woman who got attacked by the chimp in Connecticut really never loses interest to me. I can’t forget the look of horror on my face when the woman said the chimp “ripped her face off.” It could only be matched by the look when she screamed “He’s eating her”… my God. That immediately took away any fun thought I had of primates and I saw Mighty Joe Young for the monster he really was. Then I watched a video on YouTube “Violent Chimpanzee Attack” (please look that up and watch, I’ll add it when I get home later) which showed a gang of chimps stalk through the jungle until the run up on a small group of other chimps. The result was cannibalism… why did it take me being a 25 year old man to understand how truly sick chimps can be? Teach the children, cause if I knew then what I know now I would never even enter their section of the zoo. Too dangerous…

“I hope your piranha bite…” – Lil Wayne

I wanted to give that quote to show one of the many unpleasant names men have come up with for a vagina. Let’s look at some more:
Kitty Kat
That Thang
Ill Na Na
Gitchy Gitchy
Punana
P*ssy
Phat Rabbit
Waffle
Peach
Hamburgler

I think I’ve made my point, and yeah, I’m aware I’m the only one that likes to call it the Hamburgler. Point is that the vagine has a lot of different name and almost all of them are unattractive in some way. Why? I honestly don’t know, the penis is a much uglier instrument (VAINS, UGGG!). Oh well, I still wish I had a waffle to snack on right now.

I’m spent for the day but wanted to give all of the people who depend on a little non-sense and a cool picture a chance to smile. To everyone else “Hi Mama.”

Peaces