This morning, like so mornings in the northern VA area, people drove like there was a blizzard when four snow flakes fell from the sky. UGGGGGGG!I had a blast at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. The headliner Don Jamieson was great and I found out that Andrew “Dice” Clay was his hero that took him under his wing. The first CD I ever bought was Face Down Ass Up, classic, so we immediately had good conversation. And, of course… there was Erin Jackson. I’ve worshipped the ground Erin walks on for a long time, watched her Live at Gotham on my DVR countless times. All I really wanted this weekend (aside from someone to touch “it”) was walk away feeling like my Shero (pronounced she-row) didn’t despise me. Well, I won’t say that we’re best friends now but I think progress was made. I feel like if I saw her in the street and gave thumbs up she would give one back. I can die now Lord… but first could you get someone to touch the wenis.
One of my co-workers has a daughter that “clearly has something wrong with her”. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say some kind of retardation, but it almost looks as though she was kissed with Autism. Because my co-worker has never just put a label on it, she’s forced my friend Cassaundra and I to take stabs in the dark at what the f*ck could be wrong with this kid. Even more unsettling is the fact that pictures of this grunion keep popping up at her desk. I know it’s wrong, but I $#!T you not “this thing looks like a troll”. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any children of my own yet, but wouldn’t someone who loved this thing smother it in its slumber. I’m willing to bet it would lay back and take it, welcoming the sweet release of death. Any person that is strongly PRO LIFE should meet this kid… then pick it up and hold it for a minute. I remember when I first saw a picture of it, it’s like seeing a hallucination because you pause like someone is playing a prank. I’m just glad I’ve never had to meet this monster. “Bah, WTF is that?!” I know those would be my words. Don’t worry I’ll keep you updated on this thing, God’s little experiments never stick around too long (ouch that’s a little mean for a Tuesday… on second thought it’s not, this thing is hideous).
This morning I am listening to Kamikaze (the album) by Twista… yep, just that kind of Tuesday.
Nelson and I were watching 24 last night and adopted the phrase “Hi, I’m ____ from _____ and I live in fear.” It’s because in Jack Bauer’s world everyone is just a sneeze from a terrorist attack or gun fight. Yesterday a man went from possibly wanting a McRib sandwich to being a martyr in 9 minutes. I pray that normal people aren’t living anything close to Jack Bauer’s life, cause it’s been a long morning already. “Hello there, I live in Minnesota and I’m terrified.” Bless you Jack Bauer, bless you.
I wonder what the world record is for a “food baby”. Because, when I woke up yesterday after inhaling a large pizza (from Pizza Hut, only the best) I feel like I probably came close. When is the last time you flushed while still on the toilet to avoid any part of the package getting dunked in? Something to think about…
That last one was way nastier reading it back to myself than I think I’m prepared to be in this blog. Unfortunately, I’ve already dedicated this couple of sentences to the same laugh, and it keeps getting funnier to me. Sigh.
Did anyone know that Blackstreet had a song called The Lord is Real? That’s ironic, cause Chauncey is in prison and homeless and no one knows where the rest could be.
Women seem to be planning for Valentine’s Day because every single one that I know has called me “for no good reason” lately. I’m happy to be alone for this holiday, and it’s one of the few times of year that you get to see who is single without asking. Let it be Merry!
If you own a video game system (not the Wii, I mean 360 or PS3) then you should make the Resident Evil 5 demo your best friend. That is the most fun I’ve had playing a video game in memory. Trust me, be prepared to kill a lot of Africans… and love every second of it.
And now for a news story worth our time:
A Kearns teenager attacked with a medieval battle ax outside his home last summer was targeted because he supposedly passed a sexually transmitted disease to a girl that one of his accused assailants later slept with, a defense attorney claimed Tuesday. Attorney Scott Wilson told a 3rd District Court jury that Cody Jesse Augustine, 21, was angry he contracted an STD from a girlfriend and believed that 18-year-old Justin Ennis was the source of the disease. That lead Augustine to convince friend Scott Tyler Stapley, 22, to unleash an assault on Ennis after the two friends had spent the night drinking, Wilson said during opening arguments of Stapley's attempted murder trial. The bizarre attack left Ennis with severe injuries including a 8-inch laceration in his neck, a 10 1/2 -inch laceration in his left pectoral muscle and smaller cuts on his shoulder and hands, according to charging documents. Augustine and Stapley are charged with one count of first-degree felony attempted murder with injury in connection with the incident in the early morning hours of July 29 at 4541 W. 5780 South. The two are being tried separately. Ennis on Tuesday described a series of text messages he received from his attackers, who posed as a girl named "Stacy" to lure him outside around 4:30 a.m. Ennis said he believed he was meeting Stacy for "a booty call," when his assailants jumped out of a brown Nissan 200 SX. Ennis testified Stapley slashed his neck and shoulder with a four-bladed warrior ax and was later stabbed with a knife several times by Augustine. Ennis was then able to go into his parents' house, where he told them he needed help and laid in a bathtub bleeding until paramedics arrived, he said. Wilson argued Monday Stapley got roped into going along with Augustine to Ennis' house and did not intend to carry out the attack. He said Stapley had initially balked at going to Ennis' house, but changed his mind after listening to his friend complain of pain while urinating and decided to be Augustine's back-up man. Stapley told jurors his client is guilty of aggravated assault, not attempted murder. Police have said Stapley and Augustine are members of the Juggalos, a group the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Office Metro Gang Task Force identifies as a gang. Juggalos are known to follow the rap group Insane Clown Posse. Detectives recovered a necklace with a "hatchet man,"an emblem associated with the Juggalos, from the crime scene and found the emblem again on the Nissan Stapley was driving when arrested, Salt Lake County sheriff's deputy Esekia Afatasi testified. In the courtroom, Ennis removed his shirt to display his scars from the attack to jurors. He said doctors told him he'd been struck 12 times with the battle ax. The assault also perforated the teen's bowel, and doctors had to remove two inches of the teen's colon, according to charging documents. Wilson questioned whether Ennis had bragged about the assault to his friends after discovering the teenager had posted a topless photo of himself on social networking site MySpace.com. Ennis, however, testified he'd put the photos of his scars on MySpace because friends were curious and some hadn't been able to visit him in the hospital. A BMX rider, Ennis said he has lasting injuries from the attack including problems with his left shoulder. The second day of Stapley's trial starts at 9 a.m. Wednesday before Judge Judith Atherton. Augustine's next court date is a scheduling hearing on Jan.23.
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