Well, we can always push you down the stairs... I don't want to father your children

Well, not much has gone on this week. But apparently SPE and I have a date at UMD college park… Mmm mmm mmm, that smells good. I guess next Thursday they can prepare for lyrical sex (nope, I don’t know what it means either but DAMN it’s catchy) from Ebony and Ivory.

Much like a whore that just choose which guy (sucker) she wants to “go steady” with, I’m at a crossroads with my cologne. Prada is sweet and sends flowers for no reason. But, Dolce and Gabbana makes me laugh and has a lot in common with me. Sigh, but Prada has a nice car so…

Yesterday I was in a class where haters weren’t afraid to let their true colors show. People stood up and gave long testimonials on why Michael Phelps should get the full swing from the hammer (that being he loses all of his endorsements and GOES TO COURT FOR MARIJUANA USAGE?!). It was the clearest demonstration of “hatin’” I’ve ever seen. I’m proud to say that though he screwed up and knew the consequences of his actions, I could not join the haters yesterday. That man has gained access to $100 MILLION through backstroking… a little respect.

Something always feels weird about putting a little cologne on and slippin’ farts on the walk to your desk. I guess I feel like I’ve wasted the cologne.

I’m going to fight every lazy bone in my body and see how Tyler and Jake’s new open mic at the Comedy Spot is. Expectations are high, but I remember the crowds that place used to draw so I’m going in level-headed. Here’s crossing the fingers that Tyler doesn’t ask me if I’m drunk and make me feel bad. The worst part of getting offended when people assume your drinking habits is that you’re immediately classified as an alcoholic. “Don’t talk to him about his drinking, he’s an angry drunk” and all I really want to scream is that I’m not that drunk. I like awkward.

Stupid thought I just had, but I really can’t figure out why people that still consider things “taboo” are going into a comedy club. Early shows should be anything but earlier, but because these douches want to laugh to guideline we all have to make lemonade. They should read a book, leave the laughter to the soulless jackals… like me.

Remember when Foxxy Brown was sexy? I miss 1996.

I thought of a great joke about Down Syndrome, trust me it’s classy.

When’s the last time you used the word “neat” in a good way? I just texted it to someone and you know what? I feel phenomenal about it! New word of the day is: NEAT

“Kit Kat bars are no substitute for affection from you parents” – Karl, the fat guy over in accounting

Jermaine says he heard a joke that I wrote a long time ago performed up in New York. The only thing that ran through my mind was “Oh God, I hope he’s not getting more laughs than I am with it…” I’m sure he didn’t steal it because it only makes sense to think happy animals would be happy food. But I’ll pray for him to get HIV and die (unlike Magic Johnson) anyway. See what I just did there? Forgiveness.

There is a guy, about my age, who is literally as fat as the guy in Se7en who got killed for Gluttony. There’s not far out joke to that, he’s just a tub of $#!T and it blows my mind that he is okay with that. And yes, I have been in the bathroom while he birthed “food babies” and it’s just as animated as you would imagine. “Oh my God, it smells like you ate a goblin in here!”

Watching the Little Mermaid is running through my mind more and more. I think I’m having an early adulthood life crisis. I just want to spend all of my Saturday watching old Disney animated classics: The Lion King, Mermaid, Cinderellie (the rats called her that but fine, Cinderella), Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Sword in the Stone, The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Tarzan. Good times…

Notice that Pocahontas did not make the cut. Hmmm.

Valentine’s Day is closing in, hope everyone stocked up on red/pink condoms. It’s a special day, I’m helping Nelson shave a heart on his ass, cause he’s got massive ass hair. Happy Holidays ladies, eat your heart out.

The first word on my mind when I woke up this morning was wooby, I shall hence forth call my blanket that. Because I love my wooby.

Every time I see a John Travolta movie like (mostly these three) Pulp Fiction, Phenomenon and most importantly Grease, I can’t help but think “Damn, wtf happened.”

How does everyone feel about Johnny Depp as Moe and Sean Penn as Larry in the new Three Stooges movie? I feel all tingly.

Alright, that is more than enough sludge to wade through, I hope my watch is in there somewhere. Damn.

Peaces