I just found out that next Monday is a holiday!

It's great when the holidays that don't actually mean anything sneak up on you. I can only imagine if they start declaring something like Flag Day a federal holiday. Ah, how sweet that would be. Labor day.... get serious, but like any breathing black male I will take this holiday to reflect and hopefully the good Lord will giveth some "strange" unto me. Three day weekend...

Allow us to move on to events of late. We had a really comfortable show at Riot Act on Thursday, I don't know how Sampson does it, but he rarely disappoints. Friday I beat my friend Charlie Rutherford in Madden on the Wii. I don't own a Wii and it was pretty difficult to get used to, but in the end "I love a good comeback story!" is all that rang through the halls of Richardson. I was winning by one point and then with 2 sec. I pull of a beautiful pass that earned me the opportunity to say "He could, Go, All, the, WAY!!" Good times(sigh). Saturday... Sat... I guess I'm drawing a blank(I think you might be able to imagine why, if not you don't know me)... Sunday was kind of a bad day. Let's roll through the list:
1) had to drive up to Springfield to get the Fowlest.
2) got ticket for expired tags, which really caught me off guard. Plus, I was drunk and the cop was very close to my face.
3) was running late to Springfield, so was the Fowlest.
4) wait at Springfield for 15 mins., the the Fowlest calls and explains something is wrong with a train so now I'm flying solo....I still love you Fowlest.
5) This probably should be #1, but I didn't want to get gas cause I'm cheap so the whole time I'm watching for the gas light to come on while I drive to Richmond.
6) I get lost on the way, as I always do.
7) Ray says there might not be a show but he'll pay me anyway.
8) there is a show and it went really well...this is the only good thing about the whole day.
9) Halfway home I realize that I attempted to start a tab and left my card back at the bar, now I have to call and cancel that card and wait for another to come in the mail.
10) Arrived at home and discovered my roomies had eaten my pizza... bastards.
Well, that was my yesterday. Could have been worse but since I was there for all of it, it seemed to suck through my eyes.

But, I'm not going to end the blog whining, just needed to vent for a minute. So here is a gift from me to all the lovely reader who give me 30-34 sec. of their time everyday:

I CAN DREAM

By Annabelle Aeng

there's no fairy godmother

to make my wish come true.

no genie in a bottle to bring me to you.

no prayer on a fallen star

no magic potion in a jar.

but i can dream and when i do.

i dream that i'm there with you

Hey Kids!!!

Well clearly it's been a little longer than I remembered since I've blogged and junk. Where do we begin...

Saw Superbad and I must say that it's all good. I didn't expect much but didn't want to see anything else and then... magicism. And, yeah I made that up. I also bought Bioshock for the XBOX 360, need I tell you that it's the cat's pajamas(with a dead serious face).

At the Lizard last Saturday(I'm gonna make this quick) McBride caught me droppin' the deuce. I think that's all that really needs to be said. It's clearly still on my mind.

I've become quite addicted to S'mores lately. Is it the chocolate? Is it the marshmallow? The other question shall be riddled inconspicuously somewhere before the end of the blog for my own amusement.

I made a girl cry at work, and would love some feedback on this if you think I was wrong. Somehow the subject of dating came up at lunch and I eventually let it be known that I can't be with someone that is heftier than I'm comfortable with. She(being not slim) takes this as "well you really didn't love her then." To this we went back and forth and eventually she burst into tears(very awkward for me) and walked away. Slightly before Niagara Falls, I was using the point that if she were to say "I could never date a black man" it would just be something that you weren't into and couldn't deal with. But, maybe I was the bad guy for even having that conversation in the presence of a BIGGUN.

Got my green..."You know what it is" and if you don't you're a great law abiding citizen.

Today I finished my work with about 3 hours left in the day so now I'm at a point where I just get to be creepy and walk around talking to folks while they attempt to finish what they were doing. By the way, I just realized that my recording of my singing "God must have spent a little more time on you" is on my iPod cause it just started playing. "Is it the Graham Cracker?"Sing it TRich, SING IT!

DMX has a greatest hits album.... now go harm three people that are only casual acquaintances. When asked "why?" tell them "Cause I'm a Ruff Ryder!"

Happy Thursday and I think I'll end with this thought. Look at the dog at the top of the page(waiting) now whenever your upset remember that dog was unable to kill itself. God has such a sense of humor. And, yes, the ugliest dog in the world is dead now. Laters....

It's Always Sunny in Virginia?!

The recent heat wave has left me with a permanent case of swamp-gina.... you know exactly what I'm talking about too.

Daniel Johns is something like a pimp.(feel free to e-mail me for details on that one cause it's juicy)

Saw the Bourne Ultimatum, it was the juiciest steak I've ever tasted. Go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Not cause of how long it is, and yeah it was a three hour tour, but cause if you miss a piece you'll miss out on the best karate lesson ever. Side note: after action movies like that, I find myself in that mode of "I could beat somebody down like that" until I bump into someone and realize that a fight can get a lot more physical than I was giving it credit for. I quickly turn back into my old self.

I case you aren't aware, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be returning to programming next month. By far the funniest sitcom that is on television and you should fall in love with Charlie Day if you have a soul.

The Lizard was very fun on Sat. night. There was Poon, Tim Miller Lite, Kojeezy, McBride in da house, Daniel Toke Johns, Herbs, and much more. I always have fun there. Weds. night was something, I'll just say that if you decide to go to the Ecstasy lounge "You better bring the audience with you" cause otherwise your in for some hard stares. That was set-up by the Fowlest...I still hate you.

Women....

I saw Garden State last night, which is yet another movie on the list of things I teased a friend about and later had to eat my words. Damn you Zach Braff. His humor knows no bounds.

Lastly(and this is old but most people haven't seen this yet), here is a link to check out what Heath Ledger as "The Joker"...enjoy. Laters

http://media.movies.ign.com/media/752/752133/img_4561410.html

What makes a week magical?

Is it rocking out with 5 stars on Guitar Hero 2...Jermaine Fowler would say no, but that's what haters do.
Is it my swag? That's just for those of you that purchased(or stole...but the code of thieves says not to steal from Tha King or Coldplay) T.I. vs. T.I.P.
Is it receiving a text message saying there your good buddy Kevin just took a gamble in front of Nelson and lost. For those that don't know what that means picture the last fart that you thought might turn into something more. Hopefully you weren't going commando in shorts like him.
Could this instant swamp-ass weather be a key?
Is it finding out that you won't be charged for your new BlackBerry until next month's bill, right before you get ready to shell out all the money?
Seeing Transformers? It really doesn't matter how many times cause that movie tastes like a cloud.
Is it hearing John McBride's voice? .... I really don't know how that made it there...maybe I'm not as straight as I always hoped...
Is it looking on DCStandup.com and seeing that your name falls right before Tom Myers? Seriously, what is that about? Love you Tom.
Maybe it's ordering your favorite meal and dancing in front of the waiter until they comp it.
It could be lying to my mother about having plans so I can squeeze in another several hours of Guitar Hero 2...Love you Momala
Falling in love. Had to put that one.
BJ...comes right after falling in love
Smiling with co-workers that frighten you cause they put mayo on everything
Maybe it's hearing Charlie from a few cubicles down give great detail every time that he's going to the bathroom.
Whatever it is that makes a week magical, I hope that we all take a few moments to reflect on it. I'm 24 now and man am I feeling old. Yet, at the same time I feel like a 75-year-old man who got died and got sentenced to do this whole thing over again. Ug... By the way The Number 23 came out today. Cop that shiggity, then go get Zodiac and throw them on your iPod so you can watch em while you work tomorrow like me. Laters....

TMI

So, tonight at 9 on XM channel 169, let's just hope that I can operate in the awkward silence of radio. I'm pretty familiar with that anyway so let's see if I can have a ball with it.

Completely unrelated, let me get a soul clap for my n@gga Nelson a.k.a. McNelson, that guy is officially an old man today and couldn't look better.... for 24 that is.

Work is a blast, my section is having a party today a little before I get off and YEAH!, there will be bracelets and OPEN BAR... YES!!! I love this place.

I've found a way to watch It's always sunny in Philadelphia and still get my work done. It's really not that big of a secret, but watching it while I work makes the day go by so much quicker. If you haven't seen it, just take two dollars and try one episode from season 2 on iTunes.

Spent this week trying to get Guitar Hero 2 out of my system. I discovered it with help from my Nelson on Sunday, and that was it... I'm in love. It was all I thought about all week, and it never gets old to me. But, like any love, I gotta play it cool and hope that she will be glad to see me whenever I can make time for her. Why are women so complicated? (sigh)

I hope that we're all having a sexy July, I went by the Hyatt and the Lizard last Sat. and must say that it was refreshing. I got to see a bunch of people I've never seen before at the Hyatt, then I got to see Mumma get up there and do what he does... make me salivate, cause that's good stuff. The lizard is full of people that I've seen before and I always enjoys stopping by that place. Very nicely done Tyler S., but you already know that.

Does it make anyone else laugh that Chris Benoit killed his son with his signature move? I can only reason that he didn't know to let go cause the referee wasn't there to ring the bell. Just MY theory...

Well, let's get back to working and stuff...and by the way Fowlest... I hate you.
Laters...

Wow, has it really been that long since we've danced

I guess so. Let me just start out by saying "F*** Jermaine", just had to keep that whole thing going. If you haven't seen TRANSmuthaf*******FORMERS you should take a meat cleaver and just start hitting yourself. That movie made me laugh til' I cried in one particular part. That would be when a fat man jumps through a plate glass window when he hadn't even done anything wrong, just to avoid the police. Good times, good times. T.I. vs T.I.P. just came out and folks let me just say that it was scrumptious, all the way from its head to it's Gator wearing toes. Drink it in.
Last Saturday(cause I have weekends now) I went with the sweetest ol' lady ever(Grandma) to "CHARLES TOWN, RACES AND SLOTS" if you didn't just sing that you have no soul. I got all gussied up only to find out that there were no women to impress. Instead, there were married people, fat women, spanishes, fat spanishes, and fat married spanishes....need I say that there were more spanishes than you can shake a fist at? I felt like yelling like Gary Oldman in Leon:the professional "Everyone!" the question being "who is spanish?" I had a great time and told myself that I would only lose a certain amount of money. The good news it that when I got ready to leave I won like it was rigged and only lost half of what I was prepared to lose. We calls that good karma. Spanishes
I'm excited about my new bits..... just thought I'd lob that on out there and see what that does for ya.

Spanishes

For some reason I continue to go commando even though I salute round the clock.... awkward at work. If you didn't get that sentence, read it again and see what your heart tells you.
It seems like a lot of comics around here are getting on t.v., so I decided to pick someone and stab them. Look for me on all of your local news channel yelling "Ba Ba Booey!"
Jose, come back to work, there are so many women and I desperately need a wingman. Sorry, you all had to read that but since he's in Cali, this is my way to communicate with him. But, Jose, I was dead serious about the wingman thing....he knows. You could also tell me if the Spanish that work on my floor is into me. Me thinks no.
I used to use the word Negro. Then I would get tickled to say Negroseph(like Joseph), but now it has morphed into Negrosephine. No one ever know what I said so it gets absolutely no attention paid to it. Not everything can be funny to all, some things you have to do for self, and that shiggity cracks me up Negrosephine.
The NAACP buried the N-word yesterday. I get the sentiment, but aren't we a little old to play pretend. They made a coffin people, and there were onlookers....
There were onlookers...
I had a pink sprinkled donut for the first time this morning. Thanks God it was free cause it tasted like a hug without the grind.
Spanishes.
Tyler Sonnichsen doesn't care to remember my name so I just misspelled his. Now, we're even. Aw, who am I kidding? I'll shoot him.
"What's up Fowlest?"
-Nothin TRich baby
"Kick me a beat so we can freestyle"
-(begins to beatbox)
I SLAP THE TASTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH
-What'd you do that for TRich
"Cause it's hot outside Fowlest....it's hot outside." I hate you Jermaine.
Laters....

WAR!?

It was a rainy day, that cold air still chaps my lips at the thought of it. I think I reached for Carmex cause the 7-Eleven was out of chapstick.... I got off topic, let's go back to the first sentence. It was so cold and I could sense that today would be like no other. A knock at the door made me stop practicing what it might be like to be handicapped and I quickly stopped crawling around on the floor and went to answer. Upon opening I realised that there was child at my door. Now he wasn't anything special but I was out of garbage bags to dispose of him with and if I fed him well perhaps there would be no reason to have to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to name him but every time he touched something of mine, I tired of yelling out "Stop that Unloved!" So, I decided to go with ..... Jermaine. I would make his middle name something strong like Richardson or Christ but right as I was going to give him a last name, he hung my cell phone up on a rather attractive woman that was calling. How FOWL, i thought to myself. And, there you have it.
I grew to despise him less over the time that we spent together, occasionally I would feed him. Not food buy human standards but since he's still alive I'm considering food anyway. One day I happened upon a hobo that was choking on something, I stood and watched as he passed on and made awkward eye contact with me(a stranger on his way to work) and got Jermaine all kinds of clothes and things. Oh, you should have seen how his twisted, evil face just light up like a ghetto Christmas tree... cause instead of braces I fastened some strong twigs to his teeth. You name it, we did; I dare not even mention the time that I took him on his first adventure to the orphanage. "Your grades are slipping Jermaine, you know I don't love you right? Then, get your act together or you coming back here real soon." He got the picture.... cause I didn't love him. One day he asked me for a Super Nintendo. I laugh now, but I beat him within an inch of his sweet life that day, just to teach the lesson that I'm not made of money. I told him later that day that if he likes he could watch me play my X-Box, but only for one night. Plus, he was old enough that I was afraid he would tamper with my coffee. You know what I mean too. It was hard when he started dating, cause I was generally able to talk the women out of dating him before they had their first date. I don't know why I laugh so hard whenever he cries, but many a night I would sleep in the hall and laugh myself to sleep while he scratched at the door and cried all night. I'll be honest, I'm laughing right now. Goodness I hate him(as I wipe a tear of laughter away from my face), I gotta stop thinking of the good times at work cause people will think it's weird that I'm laughing so hard while working. Where was I... ah, got it. I'm happy to say that despite what you think of the way he smells, I bathed him at least twice over the years and I remember the joy of playing fetch with the Fowlest and not having the swat away all the spill over flies. They can gather on filth folks, trust me... better yet ask him.
Well, you might wonder what young Fowlest did that made he and I such bitter rivals. Not too long ago it came to my attention that he has one of the most disgusting habits known to our society right now. When, I checked on why I still hadn't seen his report card(hoping there would be a "B", those always gave me reason enough to give lashings) I saw him with my own two eyes. Laughing and saying those awful words "De De Deee!" I screamed like a woman who was fornicating and spotted Jason.
ME: Fowlest what is that.
Fowlest: The Mind of Mencia...
ME:Is the remote broken?
Fowlest: No, this is like my favorite show.
ME:(gasp) Get off my lawn and I don't ever want to see you again. And, Fowlest..
Fowlest: Yeah Mr. TRichardson
ME: You know I never loved you right?
That was how it all went down folks. And, sometimes I wake up and swear I can hear him scratch at the door for a chance to sleep on the tile in my kitchen. I could just swear I can hear those ugly tears stream down his face.... and I get the chance to laugh myself to sleep. Have a safe weekend everybody. Laters..........

well hello

Hey kids, how are you out there? Quick question, is the fact that my tire was flat this morning and my dog peed all in my slipper the sign of a bad day to come. Oh, by the way I was like 20 minutes late. Oh, and Tyler from Elliot in the morning told me that a story I wanted to share was too boring to get on the air. Oh, and (I swear this just happened) I had to make a business call and leave a message for someone, in the beginning of the call I had to burp the started speaking very fast... thinking I was hung up cause I thought I pressed the button I gave a burp. But, was still on the call! I just looked down and saw the lights were still on. Oh, what a day I'm having.
Fun in the sun today cause it's hump day. Live it up folks. Tomorrow my boss takes my team and I out for lunch. Awesome, cause they deserved it and I'm the new guy. Though I think the money I saved I blew last night at a bar. I'm not a bar person and it was an awkward way to pass the time. The whole time I was sitting there I just kept thinking "Oh, Tyler, you're better than this." Rented Ghost Rider, and from what I saw it was pretty good, even though I never had any interest in that comic book hero, and the same goes for Blade. The Fowlest and I have a blog war so let me be the first to throw a stone....I hate him. Go Jermaine.....

Great Fri.+Sat. but ohhh that Sun.

First let me start by saying that I've been listening to nothing but the Girl from Ipanema...I know the elevator music. But, everything is gravy when your listening to that song, just gravy. It may be my new favorite song(and the version that I'm talking about has lyrics.)

Traffic was awesome cause it was pretty non-existent today, I got to work early(did he say earl..)I said early.

Saw Rory on Comedy Central...awesome. The asian guy after was also quite funny but Herbie and I took that guy's set to run to Taco Bell. But, the show was awesome....I've used that word too much throughout this blog already.

Ned Divine's was interesting on Fri, but we had fun anyway. I got to chill and meet the staff for a couple of hours, which was one of the highlights of the night. One word, Russian.

So, let's talk about awkward. Yesterday, I was out shopping for a gift cause it was my mother's b-day. Everything was fine between a friend and I until I saw an ex (friend of hers...f buddy), well since I've heard her go on and on about this guy I was blown away when I didn't really see what the big deal is. In my mind I'm saying "this is why we don't bang?!" So, in typical fashion, I GOTTA BE ME, so I said something and now I'm pretty sure we aren't friends anymore. It was so awkward that I just handed her money and let her wait for the check alone. Well, that's TRich for you I guess. laters....

Life is damn neat perfect

I am in a phase of my life where everything is so perfect that all I can say is hurray. So, let's get past the new job and apartment.... nah, let's enjoy this for just a minute. I think that most of my last year was important to who I am to become. Let's go back a year, to when I was fired from my job as a car salesman and having what was clearly the most devastating part of my 24 year old life, to now. I was down and out, not performing because of how broke I was and yeah, even having problems with my "THEN" girlfriend. Over the last year I got that job back and she left right after I guess she thought I wouldn't have a suicidal breakdown... luckily, she was right(but I wouldn't even spend a night in jail over that girl). So, there was no choice but to try to make life a little better for myself. I slowly realized months later that if I was gonna be anything but the person I was spiraling into, I might need to make a change. So, I gave up smoking weed for a long time(in my mind) to make sure that I wouldn't have any problem when the right job came along. Then came finding a new place to live. Since the ex lived so close to the old place, I needed to find a place that wouldn't force me to look at a guy's car in her driveway.... so moving was definite. I had a plan right from the get go though(yeah that rhymed), I was gonna keep my job just long enough to get a new place then get a real job. And folks, that exactly what happened.
It's June now, so I figure that half the year was successful since I accomplished those two things and now I have two other things on my mind. I need to dive into comedy in ways that I haven't yet, and I need a new car. The car part isn't just because of the old ass Corolla that I've been pushin' but mostly cause it causes me shame now that I smacked it into a guard rail the last time I left the Lizard. The comedy part is cause now I have no reason other than trying to get some sleep before I wake up and face traffic, to not get out almost every night of the week and work on some f@ckin' jokes. That douche bag that made a comment a blog or two ago wasn't right, but I'll always have work to do on my comedy til' the day I can stop sayin' "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson" aka TRich. Ask the Fowlest N!gga on the Planet how to pronounce the latter. I got six months to prove myself wrong but I don't aim for failure. Oh yeah, a woman that I could trust would be a nice replacement for a car, but comedy will always be on that list.
If anyone isn't happy then I truly feel for you and I hope that you have some kind of faith that everything will be okay. Whether it's religion or just blind faith, we must believe that better things are going to happen to us through the rough times or what the F@ck are we living for. I, myself, just believe that God had a plan.... but that's not for everybody.
I was reading Jay Hastings' blogs today and all I'm gonna say is... "weren't we all thinkin' that sh#t anyway?!" I like Curt, but S@it. That is all.
Don't think that there won't be a blog on Monday cause I've got Soho to hit and now that I've got my weekends, why the hell wouldn't I have plenty to talk about on Monday... I don't know either. Ladies and gentlemen, here's to the rest of 2007! Laters...

So let's play catch up

Hey everybody. Let's start back at the Drafthouse and move forward...

So, the Drafthouse was a s@itload of fun and I had the opportunity to perform with Mike Aronin, Randolph T, Katie Riffey and Chris Doucette. Awesome is the first word that I can think to describe it and even though the crowd wasn't standing room only, there was certainly a receptive group of people there. Loved it. Afterwards, Herbie along with Randolph and Katie Riffey(oh, and who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson) went to some giant bar and I learned some of Randolph's ways of the pimp. Very educational.
That Saturday night I got to go to the Laughing Lizard and that was just as fun as it should be. After the show I was drunk driving and smacked my already not so hot car into a barrier. It was only a second, but you'd be surprised at what can happen in a second or two..... SHIT.
So, let's skip to more recent events. I traveled down to Richmond on Sunday with John McBride and the Fowlest N@gga on the planet. We stayed at John's friend's house, Suki thank you. Bestest hostess ever. And, yeah I know that's not a word. We were there for the 9:55 club and we should all know by now that the room is just plain fun to perform in. John rocked, The Fowlest rocked, and Who the F@ck didn't do too bad either. I didn't really have 45 minutes but I'm definitely working on my crowd work. Overall I was satisfied.
Tuesday, I took my drug screening at my new place of employment and got my photo taken for my badge and all that jazz. I could not be happier about this new job and boy am I reflecting on how I used to sell cars right about now. Times change, and a year ago I was having the worst time of my life. A year later, I'm floatin' on cloud nine. God bless everybody.
Yesterday I went to Richmond again to perform at the Funnybone. They have a competition very much like ours at the Improv. Fun, fun, fun and I got a chance to speak with Odyssey Michaels quite a bit. Nothing but professional for those that haven't met him. I respect that, and hopefully there will be work for me at the Funnybone sometime soon. I'm pretty negative by nature so take comfort when I tell you that it's a good possibility.
Which leads me to my last topic. Why is it that when people get what they want out of comedy they aren't using it the way we all say that we would when we're still nothing. I am nothing right now and unless I'm blind to the world there aren't as many hook-ups going on as there should be. I'm not talking about anyone specific, but when I get any opportunity you better believe that I'm gonna break my neck to put anyone with talent on the same opportunity. If you're confused at all just ask yourself "Who is the last person to really help someone out that wasn't there friend?" I'm talking about recognizing someone talented, remembering their name, and taking a few sentences at a later time to change the direction their heading in. If you think I'm talking about myself, then you don't really get what I'm saying and I feel okay with you being a bitter F@ck about that. But, for those of you that do get it(and yes, I would certainly love for someone to do something for me one day, but that's not what this is about) go out of your way to help someone that you don't consider one of your closet friends. To give an example: there were a few comedians last night that had no reason other than being extremely cool, to help out an out of towner that most of them were meeting for the first time today. Now, naturally when anything comes up for Tyler Richardson I would help out my friends cause that's what people do, but I mean helping out someone like Mike Blejer(just reachin' for a name that's new, imply nothing. Yes, I know about Demitri Martin). Just pickin' someone that you find talented but want to help out. It is possible isn't it. But, I'm babbling now, so let me go and just say this. "I just want the best for our community, so take no offense. I'm happier then I've ever been now and want everyone to have the same joy in their life." I'm at the Riot Act the next couple of days with Joe Recca, be there if you're bored.

Survey TIME!

I promise that an actual blog is coming like... tomorrowish, cause there's lots to talk about from the last couple of weeks. But first I need the help of everyone reading that isn't looking to lyrics to Johnny Gill's My My My(Koreans).

Which is a better name for my website?
1) whoistylerrichardson.com
or
2) whothehellistylerrichardson.com

You tell me so I can get a little more professional with this thang.... laters.

So Tyler, how was your weekend?...who are you?!

Firsteys, let me just say Congrateys to the Fowlest N@gga on the Planet. Last night I believe that Mike Way and Aparna tied for first place at the Improv showcase and Jermaine followed in second place. Forgive me for not knowing who third place was, but I talked to the Fowlest N@gga on the planet last night while very drunk. You know that he talks fast...

Riot Act was a fun open mic last night. Right before I hit on Ms. Dookie I realized that her bit about being in a long distance relationship is TRUE. If not then she's just not attracted to me, but the point is don't hit on her. It's an embarrassing walk away. Cause you know you're gonna see her again. I know I will..... back to the show though. Took awhile for the crowd to warm up but when I eventually got up there I had fun and it definitely made up for bombing at the Lizard on Sat. Did I mention the weekend yet? Let's just do this thing in reverse while we're at it...

So, the Lizard was cool and there were all my favorite people there. Poon rocked that mutha. Tim, Herbie, The Fowlest N@gga on the Planet, Bryson Turner, and "Who the F#ck is Tyler Richardson all had a rather interesting convo. Leo the man was in attendance. Saw that smoothe mutha Mike Way in action. At long last, saw the coolest cat on the earth, Jason Weems. Hadn't ran into him in a minute. And, lastly, I ate shit.

Before all that happened though, I did get lost in southeast DC. I joked with the Fowlest N@gga on the planet about how I was going to call him panicked cause I knew that was gonna happen. I've only been lost there a handful of times but getting to Catholic University gave me the "You're gonna get lost in SOUTHEAST DC!" feelin'... ya know. So, about 15 minutes after laughing about this call that was coming, I found myself on MLK JR. Blvd.(sigh) and there were people that looked like they wanted to hurt somebody on every corner. Need I remind you that it was broad daylight, and they could look right in the Corolla at your friend "Who the F@ck..." so I was playin' it cool but still on edge. Throw in the fact that I'd been drinkin' for some time and needed to STOP somewhere and take a piss. I really didn't want to stop anywhere that had SE beside the street so I continued to try and find my way through SE while holdin' back a monster piss. Eventually, I get a couple block into NW and decide that I can't hold it anymore so I'm gonna take the Colgate bottle in the back seat(that was empty) and pee in it then I'm gonna dump it out. Don't judge me, you know we've all done horrible things in a crisis. So, I have my pants undone, belt unbuckled, and IT is almost in the Colgate bottle.... then I pull up next to a church. I ask the man at the door if I can use the bathroom. Yes. THEN, I put it and the Colgate bottle away and zip up. I pee, he takes 10 minutes to give me directions to the University, and we're back on the road. Catholic University is full of at least two wonders:
1) It's surrounded by nothing but GHETTO. That's right, it's projects then out of nowhere this shiny golden cathedral. Odd.
2) It's seems that being extremely hot is a prerequisite to getting into the university. Not everyone was hot, cause like allowing a white guy in a black university, "Gotta keep up appearances".
The show went well and the audience was attentive. Even though the show went long, they were right there with us. And, the Fowlest N@gga on the planet was hittin' on anything that moved. Shout outs to the Engineers at Catholic U. You guys rocked and so do your 80-year-old grandmothers. There was a woman in the front row that was chuckling at the dirtiest stuff I had. I miss her already. Well, that's it for now. Drafthouse... May 3rd... just go people. Laters....

Koreans

And no, that has nothing to do with V. Tech earlier this week. I am blown away by the massive number of people from Korea that continue to look for the lyrics to "My My My" by Johnny Gil. You'd swear the song just came out over there cause everyday there are a ridiculous amount of hits on my page from the same same search. I know that his dance moves were awesome, I saw them when I was 5. Move on Korea..... move on.
Yesterday, my mother and I were spending some quality time and somehow got to watching videos on Youtube(which I don't think she had ever seen before). Luckily, her monitor is gyhugen so watching the videos was kinda like watching the tele. My mother really doesn't have much of a sense of humor these days cause she's a huge Jesus freak and uppity. But, I threw on "Go Fuck yourself" by our friend J. Schlegel and saw a bit of life out of the old girl I haven't seen in years. She didn't even watch Brokeback mountain, cause of the Jesus freak thing, but knew exactly what was going on. I was so shocked that she laughed, "High Five Justin"..... ah.
Tomorrow, there's a cool show at Catholic University(it just now dawned on me that I probably need to go with my clean material then) and it looks like the line-up has some people I don't know too well but have heard of..... shall we. Okay then, Erin Conroy, Mike Shader, Mike Auletta.... then the familiar faces.... Chris White, Herbie Gill, Giovanni, The Fowlest N@gga on the Planet, and "Who the F#ck is Tyler Richardson?". Should be fun and the show gets going at 8.
May 3rd. Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse. "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson?", Katie Riffey, Tim Miller, and Randolph T. 8. Just DO.
I'm gonna go for the weekend, but lets catch up on Monday shall we? Laters....

So much to say...

What it is? Let's start with Friday and work our way up to last night at Soho, shall we...

Friday- Felt like it was far time to get out and see if Ned Divine's was still a ton of fun. When I got there about 15(being generous) people were seated and ready for this striptease we call comedy. The list would be:Rob the master Maher, Herbie "F'n Pimp" Gill, Leo 2 Goodman, Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson, and Jon MUMMA. I had fun, and think that for the size of the crowd I did aight. Yeah, that's not a word, but I felt it come out and couldn't stop it. Mumma broke out this balls to the wall joke which he says was the first time he had performed it. We'll see, if so, I was there man, I was there. So, after he performs we go to the bar to get a drinky drink. Guy next to him is incredibly drunk and immediately buys him what he was gonna order. I'm behind and thinkin' "Wow, I sure hope that I can get a free drink". Cause I'm frugal, not gay. They spoke about 2 sentences to one another. I proceed to try and order. Not so smooth as Mumma though, cause I was forced to have conversation with this man for about 15 minutes and there was no free drink at the end of that tunnel my friends. But, while talking he did describe how one of his roommates would screw in his bed and leave him to sleep in it. That was after he made me hear about how he was the baddest mutha on the planet. So, I move back to the comics with my martini and Miller Lite in hand. When I get there some type of transformation took place at Ned Devine's. It suddenly became a club. Fine women were here and there and then I said something like "With all these women, I feel like I should be hittin' on some." Well, Rob or Mumma proceed to take out money and say that I won't last 5 mins. in a conversation. Now, it took me about 20 mins. to build up my courage, but I ain't no sucka. So I move over to two women and one has my name all over her. I promised that I would use the phrase "Reese's Pieces are great aren't they?", so I chose to open with that one. They laughed thank God, but the fine one wasn't really into me. So I swerved my game to her less attractive friend. She wasn't bad, just not fine. Judge away, but don't. Turns out that both of them were 39 and that doesn't work so well when you look like you're 17. I got turned down when I eventually asked for her number. But, had been talking for easily 10-15 minutes, so that $4 was all mine baby. Later in the night I would accidentally race around a corner and full on grab a hot Hispanic girls boobs. A little later I was joking with the bartender about something and slapped her breast to the point of bounce, but she knew that was an accident. I talk with my hands too much people. And, I tried my first long island ice tea, which lead to me being cut off and driving home with one eye open. Ladies and Gentlemen, I enjoyed telling it almost as much as I enjoyed livin' it.... Moving on.

Saturday- Went to the L St. Lounge to meet my main man Jermaine Fowler. From now on I will refer to him as the Fowlest N@#ga on the planet. It' s just funny to me. So, as usual, a group of "women?" perform first even though we worked out an agreement with the host, and I believe they sang about keeping their weave. I fought back laughter until a white family looked into my eyes and saw that "Hey, it's okay to laugh. He's black and thinks this song is awful too. Are those women?" I performed and thought I did well again, plus some people came down from the bar to hear me. They didn't realize that I was only giving them 3 minutes cause it was time to celebrate Tyler Sonnichsen's big day(early). So we were off to the Laughing Lizard. Tons of comics. As much as people get a little steamed when the place is full of comics, I really do enjoy getting to see all those faces in one place. Normally, you see sprinkles throughout the week or so, but this was a melting pot. I tried some crowd work and if nothing else, just wanted to have fun. It was nothing but comics, but I felt cool with how my new stuff was received. Let me give a quick list: Herbie, Sean Gabbert, The Fowlest N#gga on the planet, Ryan Conner, Quincy, Randolph T, Andy Kline, Jake Young, Will Hessler, Tim Miller, Kojo, Aparna, Diana Saez, and HOT bartenders. Thank you for giving us the Lizard Tyler S. We love you, and I liked your birthday cake so much I smeared some on my pea coat just to have it around always.

Sunday-The Fowlest N%gga on the planet decided to kick it at la casa de Richardson, so I woke up to him on the floor gettin' in some Gears of War. He's not bad, but to his face I'll tell him he's horrible. I was supposed to go to the circus with a female friend but that didn't happen like it was supposed to, so chill we did. First, off to Bloom to get some beer. Mind you this was Easter Sunday and it was 10:50 in the morning. "We get ours". I stumbled across some lobster tails on sale and what human could say no to lobster. So we get back, drink, play video games and live people, live.... then I remembered that my family likes to eat and give me free food. So, with the Fowlest N&gga on the planet in toe, it was off to mama Richardson's house. It was cool and now he is the only person who knows how strange my family truly is. If he calls them strange somebody let me know so I can taze that bama. He even tried some food that won't ever touch these lips. He's a brave soul, but that's my homie, so I put the antidote in his backpack. Soon, it was time to say good-bye to young Fowlest... so I took him to the beach and said "Best of luck you bitch ass Nyuggah!" Got home, watched A Clockwork Orange, and decided that maybe it was time to eat that lobster. For those that want to cook it yourself, just know that there are giblets that Red Lobster doesn't show you. GIBLETS.

Monday-Found out that I can sign the lease on my new apartment next Monday. So rock on to that. I'm not moving far, just to a much nicer and less expensive part of Virginia. Right now, I live in Fairfax county, but it's not a nice neighborhood. Yet they still get to charge you like it's a gated community. The only thing that rent.com can say about us it that we have lakes in our complex to go private fishing. Yet, the first time I ordered pizza the delivery guy was 40 mins. late; when asked why he replied "the cops are fishing a body out of the lake down the hill, so I couldn't get around them"...... WHAT?! Plus, my ex won't be living across the street anymore, so that's cool too. So, I went to Soho last night. List?, of course:Fowlest..., Kojo, Mike Way, Aparna, Diana Saez, Jay Hastings, Chris Barylick, Tim Miller, John McBride, Seaton(a f'n pimp if I've ever seen one)Smith, Leo 2 Goodman, Tom Myers, and many more... I'm a forgetful shit, sorry. It was a cool show and went like most do, I was happy with myself and it was cool to have gotten on a stage frequently over the past 4-5 days. I gotta keep that up. One thing that did jump out at me was that Taxi Driver. He didn't tell jokes and it seemed like he really just wanted someone who would listen. Maybe people are too busy talking about themselves when he's driving them somewhere. But, as sad as it was to witness, it was f'n creepy. My boy Kevin couldn't do anything but look at me, and I'm not the best person to look at if you're trying to fight laughter. I'm an asshole. Tom Myers, Tyler loves you. But, who the fuck is Tyler Richardson. Well, that's all for this longgggg blog entry. Side note: Walking back to my car from Soho, that Taxi guy almost hit me and when Kevin and I looked into the cab and saw him talking to someone, the WTF look was wiped away and all was forgiven. Love you Taxi Driver guy...Laters

Blogs are for lovers

Hey everyone. There will be a new blog of things that happened during my very crazy weekend. Fowlers, and drunkards and laughs... oh my. See ya at Soho tonight.

"So what's up? Oh sh#t, you've gotten so fat!"

Well, I stumbled upon Mike Way's myspace page and saw blogging in it's truest form so I had to hop on mine. Jesus, if you haven't seen him blog, go check that shiggity out and see what it means to BLOGGG!
Feel Good
Lizard should be fun on Saturday, and maybe I'll have on a thong. Maybe. Nah, but talking of sex appeal makes me want to point out what a piece of ass women have been treating me like that past week.
Feel Good
My ex broke my heart and maybe we all need the assurance of other people to say " Hey, hey, look at me.... I'd f#ck your toenail polish off." I think we just need that after crumblin' within the chest. I'd give examples of these pieces(cause one is most definitely a 10) but that would be rude to them.
Feel Good
So.... "Who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson?" A man who wakes up and says "Today, I kidnap some one's child and hold them for ransom..... then I'm one step closer to buying metallic legs!" Yeah. Yeah.
Feel Good
I went to Marymount University and Keith the Comedian was with. By the way, Keith bought Musiq Soulchild's new album LuvandMusiq, which made me immediately go out and get that shiggity the next day. Back to this "talent(?) show", so we were both received well and guess who went before anyone else.... Tyler. Bittah!(yet again pronounced like bitter, but with soul) So, the guy who is bald and sets up the comedy shows there is behind us now to actually perform for the college next semester. Had to prove ourselves but I think we both liked the challenge. HA! There was so many fine women all over that place and at the time I was still playing it timid. Oh, to go back in time. Just ass all over the place. And, we watched as a kid that seemed like an alright sort, performed a whole 7 min. of Dane Cook's Retaliation. It was an out of body experience. Because, while part of me sat there, my spirit walked on stage and had a giant cane with which to hank him out of his F#$%ing shoes. But, it's all good, the part of me still sitting there was numbed by this one African girl's B.O. Oh, it was something. She had on a dress with the shoulders out. I was catchin' the full affect.... Shiggity.
Feel Good

Well, laters everyone... and keep smiling. The feel good thing is part of The Secret.

Let's play catch up...

Okay, so it's been a little bit, let's catch up...

The Sampson show on March 11th was one of the more fun shows that I think I've gotten to be a part of as of right now. Nick found some beer in the back and that was what would be the beginning of a beautiful night. Everyone was funny and the audience was receptive. Kudos to everyone that was on the show, ROCK THE F@CK ON!

I'm steppin' my suit game up and oh, I look sharp in a suit baby. Pictures will come when I've picked them up. Tailoring...

24 was awesome last night. You don't just leave Jack Bauer in the dark about his main squeeze being dead. You just don't. Kill for me Jack, kill for me.

My dog Max is still the sexiest bastard on God's green earth.

I have given up cigarettes and weed. Weed is only temporary but the fags are pretty permanent. I may smoke one here and there, but a smoker I am no more.

The last blog or two might have seemed a little bitter.... I apologize. Jermaine Fowler and I joke about how my name should be BITTER(pronounced BITTAA). But, trust me, I got nothin' but love for all of my fellow comics. Sometimes we just step outside of ourselves. I hope you understand.

Lizard- March 31. Jermaine and I are going to have fun, and if you aren't doing anything please drop by and see if you like what we have in mind. Marymount University- tonight. J and myself yet again. 9:55- May 13th. Love Richmond. I gotta put some more stuff on this list, but the summer is a time for lovin', let Tyler share some with you.

I have God of War 2.... YEAH BITCH.

Jimmy Meritt, your a patriot. Reading your blogs has always been a pleasure, do what you do baby.

Jermaine says that I ramble less now that I don't smoke. Catch 22 people, Catch 22.

I need to do this a lot more regularly, so let me save some for tomorrow. Laters.....

Just wanted to say "Hello"

Has been a moment, hasn't it. Thank you to those that have contacted me in the past few weeks and I really do appreciate that. Don't get me wrong, there were only a few, but they had words that I definitely needed to hear. I think I'm ready with new stuff to show off the whole me. But, enough talk I'll just have to show people.

On another note, let me follow up a story that I commented on a long time ago. My best friend Nelson was worried that he would be fired over a BLOG that he wrote where I said, among other things, that he would like to punch his boss in "The fucking throat". I wrote that he deleted that blog and not more than a couple weeks after that he was fired. I kills me that in this day and age someone can actually be let go for a BLOG. Sad.

Is Curt Shackelford's E-Mail Dead?......

When I was about 10, I hit my first homerun and when I connected with the ball, I shit. It was a lot of shit too. I ran the bases, then while everyone was still giving me congrats at home plate.... I just kept running home. Home was not anywhere close to where we were playing and my mother was in attendance too. Just a memory that makes me laugh that I thought I would share with you. Are we too mature to admit that shit is ALWAYS funny.

Well, for the three that care, I just wanted to blog and let them know I'm not dead and get ready for new shit...
By the way, at the DCAC this Sunday:
1. Sampson (host)
2. Jermaine Fowler
3. Tyler Sonnicshen
4. Tyler Richardson
5. Nick Mullen
6. Keith "The Comedian"
7. Travis Johnson
8. Marcus "DooDooh" Brown
9. Jason Weems

Just saw this lineup today, the arrogant side of me is looking at this order and saying "Fuck me". The humble part says the same fucking thing... I'm a dick. Bout' time I stopped pretending. I'm gonna have more fun with this comedy thing and look less seriously at it. Maybe next time I do something I'll be the shaft and not the bell end. If you don't get it, be glad.
To any new comics that are discouraged due to being unrecognized as funny, let these lyrics remind you that it doesn't matter how many opportunities pass you by, do you...
My words are weapons
I use 'em to crush my opponents
These words are weapons
I never did show no emotion
My words are weapons
I use 'em to kill whoever's steppin to me
My words are like weaponry on a record
Yo, the rage I release on a page
is like a demon unleashed in a cage
Lunatic, soon as I hit the stage
My mind is like a fuckin stick of dynamite
Onen I get behind the mic
it's like the wick is lit you bitches die tonight
My nine is like a guidin light at night shinin bright
My fuckin grip is tighter than my wife's vagina, psych
These cock-suckin cops got my Smith-N-Wesson...
I guess it's time to pick a different weapon, man the shit's depressin...
But my plan is to use this bullshit to my advantage
Shady stay creative baby hold your head up, don't you let up
one bit on these motherfuckin suckers you're a soldier +GET UP+
STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, LONG AS YOU BREATHIN
THEY JEALOUS OF YOU MAN THAT'S THE ONLY REASON THEY BEEFIN!

do what you do man, you know if it's funny or not....

Square One...

Well, where do I start? Lost the Improv showcase. By lost I mean that I didn't even place... AGAIN. Took me a little while to sort out what that might mean. Probably means that I'm not half as funny or a good joke writer that I thought I was. It was pretty confusing for me, not because I had any assumptions of what the other comics could or couldn't do onstage. But, more than anything I felt like I was so ready and there was no way that I could do it again and walk away empty handed. I spoke to Jermaine about it and he thought I was concerned with just getting more work. While that would be cool to work at the Improv, that is not at all why the showcase is a big deal to me. If I'm ever gonna get out of this area through comedy, I feel like I have to at least make good with the Improv. It's the IMPROV, and now I'm just some guy who can either realize that maybe I need to take up sewing, or start all over again. Haven't really felt too funny since. Maybe Joe Robinson has a point with the chart that he created almost a year ago. Just because you love something doesn't mean that your gonna be great at it. Some people are just made to appreciate what they love and not participate. I'm not really sulking, but I am a realist and that is sinking in more and more. Before I forget, congrats to Jason Weems, Nick Mullen, and Bigg Mike(that was the order of placing). And, how could I forget to mention how lovely Laura Prangley and Jessica Paquin looked on such a night. Oh, and just in case my testicles were about to come out from the Improv embarrassment, I'm certain that yet again I won't be coming to the DcComedyFest. Just a feeling... You know what, I'm still bitter so I'm gonna go. I'll get back when something positive can be said.