An Anonymous Phone Call...

I’m almost afraid to write anything in this “journal” of mine for fear that the people who’ve just started reading will stop… but here’s something new for yuns to drink in while you’re trying to make it to Friday night. Whew, that was a long run-on sentence.

I have finally written some new jokes that I really want to run with. Had to sign my soul over to the devil to break the writer’s block. Kidding, I would never sign my soul over to continue writing $#!T, that’s a play on the bit. It deals with Satan and the contracts he makes… yep, I watched Saw V this week.

Now that Barack Obama is president I seem to have developed about ½ an inch of girth. Just a sign that we can have everything Martin Luther King Jr spoke of so many years ago… I’m on my way to grab a new white woman right now.

I’m not really going to grab up a white woman, I’m at work. Since I just got here that would be frowned upon.

Yesterday I tired out a new line in the quest to offend and find out “What is sexual harassment?” Here is the scene: A co-worker asked me what I would do if I found out that I was going to die tomorrow, and I responded “Go to the bank and cash out my accounts. Then I’d take it out to a nice gentleman’s club because my whole life I’ve just wanted to make it rain.” She was not amused, probably because she’s old (don’t say cause it’s not funny… that hurts) yet still, not offensive. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure a slap on the ovaries would be offensive enough but I don’t want to jump over the line. I just want to dance on it teetering between “nice guy” and “THAT guy”.

A “Real World” Superman Scenario:
Boy: Mary we don’t need a condom…
Woman: You’re right Dave, I’m not with anyone else and I trust you too.
(Cue the theme from the Superman films)
Superman: This isn’t Africa! (Snaps the man’s “member” like the steel beams that he bends and flies away)
END

I’ve had nothing but random Superman scenarios like that one running through my mind since I got home last night.

My microeconomics professor has an accent thicker than a Filipino (cause Nelson says “what we lack in length, we make up for in girth… I’m like a trailer”). I’m very curious to see how these lectures will turn out and I’m sure there’s good laughter in there somewhere. For example: Every time I asked a question, he walked from the front of the classroom all the way back to my face. Once he was about (I’m serious) 3 inches from my face, he would begin to speak. Needless to say I was uncomfortable asking questions by the second time. I wonder if he does that on purpose to avoid interruption.

A serious note:
Everyone wants to be loved, but we are flawed. Sometimes I get so caught up finding someone that I don’t sit back and think “What type of person would really love me for the rest of their life?” Make no mistake, I’m very happy single but would love to share a phone plan with somebody… oh well, until then I gets p*ssy.

The only thing that I can say about the comments from the last blog are: “At least you all are participating”. Justin responded, and I like Justin, I also like the fact that people took the time to shout back. As for whether there is a reshaping of our community going on, that’s very possible. As long as we have the DC Improv, we’ll certainly never go away, just have to get a few more Soho (jeez, just saying it makes me feel old) open mics. I can only hope that’s what the Spy Lounge is/will be.

What the f*ck was that poem that got read after President Obama made his inaugural speech?! That was the worst poem I’ve ever heard. But look at the stage she got to read it on. Never give up, no matter how much you suck it seems like perseverance does indeed pay off. Look at that smug bastard Bill Nye (the science guy, BILL! BILL! BILL!) … I’m kidding, I would never disrespect the Nye like that. I loved that show, he made Mr. Wizard look like a b*tch.

There is an incredibly hot Chinese woman that works on my floor. She is a natural born citizen and speaks like the hood chick from everyone’s darkest, semen soaked nightmares. I would do unspeakable things to dip my toes in “it”. That is all…

My supervisor has been making my team help another section. I feel like you might as well ask me to sweep the floor, cause if I’m doing their job I might as well help out the janitor. I’m a selfish man, self centered and as cold as polar bear dick… don’t judge me please.

Okay, I’m going to go refund some fruit that was frozen and priced the same as non-disgusting fruit. We’ll do this again soon.

Peaces! Oh, and be safe this weekend. My mother is out there on those roads.