Okay, so this morning I found my least favorite way of waking up. When the alarm went off I hit the sleep button and something went wrong. My alarm decided to do the opposite of “going to sleep”. A high pitched squeal went off and was far worse than the beeping the alarm normally does. I hadn’t called out sick in a while and that thought was running through my head before the squeal really got into full form. No button would silence it, so I began what any sleepy person would do… violence toward my alarm. No pound, no fist, not even pulling it from the surge protector would stop this thing. Then I remembered that the alarm had batteries in it just in case of a power outage. I located the batteries, it struck my attention that I had not changed these batteries in YEARS and somehow they were still alive and well, and pulled them out. After that (seemingly) two-three minute workout of frustration I realized, I was wide awake now. The moral of this story is yet another potential “sick day” was turned into an “on-time” morning at work. And here I am…
I went to see Sheryl Underwood at the DC Improv with my mother and grandmother on Saturday night. Some things worth mentioning (and odd occurrences):
- Sheryl Underwood did about an hour and a half of newer stuff than the last time I saw her. I’m always impressed by that.
- A lot of fine black women get out to give their money to Sheryl Underwood, some boyfriends were dragged along, but mostly gay friends.
- A Man proposed to his girl (baby mama) at the end of the show, the “n*gga way”. He didn’t make any eye contact with her while saying “what he had to say”. Instead it reminded me of a 7-year-old giving a monologue in play. I honestly held my breathe in anticipation of a “Nah” from his woman. But after he shoved the ring on her hand I guess she couldn’t say no. Also, a few women from the crowd literally yelled out “You gotta say YES!!!” What the f*ck do you say after strangers start yelling that out during (presumably) one of the happiest moments of your life. I always told myself that when the moment came that I saw someone propose (first time in my life I’ve been a part of the crowd) I would do the right thing: Shout “No n*gga, you’re too young! F*ck is you doing?!”
- Randolph Terrance hosted, that is all.
- Something about trying to pee in that bathroom smelled of rape. Maybe it’s because three pipe hittin’ convicts were waiting by the sink, and then there was me…
- The nachos didn’t have meat on them. Imagine feeling like you loaded up a nacho with all the toppings known to man and then taking a bit into insanity… it felt like sucking a stranger’s d*ck. Yep, sucking a stranger’s d*ck…
With the new year in swing there are a few things I would like to change about myself. Mostly I want stop smoking (not MJ, cigarettes), I’ve smoked for a long time and I think I’d better quit before my boyish good looks go away. Oh, and I want to be taller this year. Last year I was 5”11, this year I’d really like to be about 6’5… impossible?
Friday night I had a moment, with a woman, that reminded me of the lines from My Best Friend’s Wedding (Julia Roberts movie with Cameron Diaz). The man getting married described what’s so great about his new fiancee with (something that sounds like) this phrase: “She let’s me hug her as long as I want, all day if I wanted to…” I never really understood what that meant, but now I think I get it. Was it Musiq Soulchild who said “Everything is cool when love is all brand new…”? Nah, that was Adolf Hitler.
While waiting in Blockbuster Video, at some point last week, I got into a bit of a racist competition. A woman’s child made some type of racist comment that escapes me now, but she laughed approvingly and I saw Nelson’s face, I knew we couldn’t just let this slide. For the next, I would guess 10 minutes (cause that line was not f’n moving) I gave that woman every bad statement that crossed my mind. These include” holocaust jokes, cannibalism, woman beating, rape jokes, oriental jokes (I’d say Asian, but these were not respectable jokes) and of course as much slang as the good Lord would let me muster. It always feels good to get under a bigot’s skin. Upon leaving Nelson whispered “Just felt like giving that woman something to talk about?” We got MJ shortly after, celebrating and $#!T…
I discovered I’m a much bigger Black Eyed Peas fan than I had originally thought. Who knew?
Tyler, describe your Sunday in a few words or less: Chilean Mudslide.
The more I hear about traffic on Jan. 20th, the more I really don’t want to be a part of history. 48 hours is what they are projecting it will take to get out of DC with freezes and all those people. Might stay home and jerk it, more fun. Plus there’s candy at home.
Thursday I go back to the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse, looking forward to that and seeing Will Hessler. I’ve missed some folks with all this time (2 months) off. If the good lord wills it I will put off some plans tonight and drive up to ____ Lounge to surprise a certain Hippie friend o’ mine. I miss him too, he smells of lilac. Sean, I had a wet nightmare with you in it. We weren’t getting it on, you were just the one who toweled me off. What made the nightmare so wet? The same thing that always does: Killer Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
Friday I cleaned my apartment cause a woman I cared about was coming over. I never realized how nasty I can truly be. Max (my dog friend) did his best to keep the place as nasty as possible as soon as she arrived. Within 5 minutes, he peed at her feet, took at $#!T, humped and jumped on, and finally… peed all over the kitchen where we were standing. He took a few hours to get familiar with his cage after that little show. Classy…
Leapin’ lizards! I just wanted to brush up everyone’s 1950’s slang. You’re welcome.
During a trivia game with family, my sister (who is 13) could not answer “What artist is famous for songs such as The Way I Am and The Real Slim Shady?” She couldn’t even attempt let alone answer. I’m old now…
Breaks my heart to hear that Wiseacres is closed.
Keep writing, I have a feeling even though rooms are dying off and it looks like we have only a few places to perform anymore… something good is coming. Just a feeling.
Peaces
I went to see Sheryl Underwood at the DC Improv with my mother and grandmother on Saturday night. Some things worth mentioning (and odd occurrences):
- Sheryl Underwood did about an hour and a half of newer stuff than the last time I saw her. I’m always impressed by that.
- A lot of fine black women get out to give their money to Sheryl Underwood, some boyfriends were dragged along, but mostly gay friends.
- A Man proposed to his girl (baby mama) at the end of the show, the “n*gga way”. He didn’t make any eye contact with her while saying “what he had to say”. Instead it reminded me of a 7-year-old giving a monologue in play. I honestly held my breathe in anticipation of a “Nah” from his woman. But after he shoved the ring on her hand I guess she couldn’t say no. Also, a few women from the crowd literally yelled out “You gotta say YES!!!” What the f*ck do you say after strangers start yelling that out during (presumably) one of the happiest moments of your life. I always told myself that when the moment came that I saw someone propose (first time in my life I’ve been a part of the crowd) I would do the right thing: Shout “No n*gga, you’re too young! F*ck is you doing?!”
- Randolph Terrance hosted, that is all.
- Something about trying to pee in that bathroom smelled of rape. Maybe it’s because three pipe hittin’ convicts were waiting by the sink, and then there was me…
- The nachos didn’t have meat on them. Imagine feeling like you loaded up a nacho with all the toppings known to man and then taking a bit into insanity… it felt like sucking a stranger’s d*ck. Yep, sucking a stranger’s d*ck…
With the new year in swing there are a few things I would like to change about myself. Mostly I want stop smoking (not MJ, cigarettes), I’ve smoked for a long time and I think I’d better quit before my boyish good looks go away. Oh, and I want to be taller this year. Last year I was 5”11, this year I’d really like to be about 6’5… impossible?
Friday night I had a moment, with a woman, that reminded me of the lines from My Best Friend’s Wedding (Julia Roberts movie with Cameron Diaz). The man getting married described what’s so great about his new fiancee with (something that sounds like) this phrase: “She let’s me hug her as long as I want, all day if I wanted to…” I never really understood what that meant, but now I think I get it. Was it Musiq Soulchild who said “Everything is cool when love is all brand new…”? Nah, that was Adolf Hitler.
While waiting in Blockbuster Video, at some point last week, I got into a bit of a racist competition. A woman’s child made some type of racist comment that escapes me now, but she laughed approvingly and I saw Nelson’s face, I knew we couldn’t just let this slide. For the next, I would guess 10 minutes (cause that line was not f’n moving) I gave that woman every bad statement that crossed my mind. These include” holocaust jokes, cannibalism, woman beating, rape jokes, oriental jokes (I’d say Asian, but these were not respectable jokes) and of course as much slang as the good Lord would let me muster. It always feels good to get under a bigot’s skin. Upon leaving Nelson whispered “Just felt like giving that woman something to talk about?” We got MJ shortly after, celebrating and $#!T…
I discovered I’m a much bigger Black Eyed Peas fan than I had originally thought. Who knew?
Tyler, describe your Sunday in a few words or less: Chilean Mudslide.
The more I hear about traffic on Jan. 20th, the more I really don’t want to be a part of history. 48 hours is what they are projecting it will take to get out of DC with freezes and all those people. Might stay home and jerk it, more fun. Plus there’s candy at home.
Thursday I go back to the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse, looking forward to that and seeing Will Hessler. I’ve missed some folks with all this time (2 months) off. If the good lord wills it I will put off some plans tonight and drive up to ____ Lounge to surprise a certain Hippie friend o’ mine. I miss him too, he smells of lilac. Sean, I had a wet nightmare with you in it. We weren’t getting it on, you were just the one who toweled me off. What made the nightmare so wet? The same thing that always does: Killer Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
Friday I cleaned my apartment cause a woman I cared about was coming over. I never realized how nasty I can truly be. Max (my dog friend) did his best to keep the place as nasty as possible as soon as she arrived. Within 5 minutes, he peed at her feet, took at $#!T, humped and jumped on, and finally… peed all over the kitchen where we were standing. He took a few hours to get familiar with his cage after that little show. Classy…
Leapin’ lizards! I just wanted to brush up everyone’s 1950’s slang. You’re welcome.
During a trivia game with family, my sister (who is 13) could not answer “What artist is famous for songs such as The Way I Am and The Real Slim Shady?” She couldn’t even attempt let alone answer. I’m old now…
Breaks my heart to hear that Wiseacres is closed.
Keep writing, I have a feeling even though rooms are dying off and it looks like we have only a few places to perform anymore… something good is coming. Just a feeling.
Peaces
1 comment:
Wow. I don't even know what I say except for wow and you're welcum.
See what I did there? ::grabs noose and inserts head:: ugh.
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