Like a f*ckin ninja dude

So, let’s go back to Thursday… might as well, that was when I got on a stage for the first time in a couple of weeks. Uggg. Thursday was actually cool, I was rusty but something about looking into SPE’s eyes will give you all the strength you need to get by. If only Christ had Sean’s eyes to look into on the cross. He could’ve done another year on that cross. But since Sean wasn’t alive when Christ walked the earth the world can be forgiven of its sins… funny how that worked out.

Friday I did absolutely nothing that I can remember, probably cause I was stuck in the w… MJ. I do remember that I ate a lot of KFC and burned all the skin off the roof of my mouth.

Sats (Saturday for those of you that are uncreative and small minded, but stay with me) was fun from the moment I woke up from a wet nightmare. That’s not true, I felt like waking up semen-ified would get a chuckle and really pull the story back for those of you that take offense to weed remarks like my Friday night. So, I started out with the usual “wake and bake” and put a few children back in their place that thought they could play Gears of War 2 with the best of them (TRich). I found out that Jared Stern was featuring and that made me feel good since I worked with him when Vince Morris was last at the Comedy Factory. I dig familiarity, I was so excited that I left really early just to make sure nothing made me late. You know what they say about “Best Laid Plans”, they bite you in the d*ck. At some point on 495 heading towards Baltimore… well, I f*cked up. I’ve driven out there more than enough times to know the way, but something started to feel weird when I didn’t see any 95 N signs for awhile. I began to second guess myself and as soon as a friend called me I knew I was headed the wrong way. Somehow I actually pulled the car over and pissed, got turned around and raced up the road to make it there about 14 minutes before the show started. I raced directly into the bathroom to pee again.

Before the second show of the night I had to make poopy (I thought I’d use a woman’s philosophy of making something rancid cute with a y). I don’t know if it was the KFC but it was an attack on the toilet. Loud and not something you peek your head out to say “Did anyone hear that?!” about. Two guys at the urinals began cheering me on which made me laugh and poo harder. It was an awkward couple of minutes cause apparently they both drank a lake. When I jumped up onstage I had to ask who they were and get a good look at these monsters. To my chagrin (who used that word today?) they were a couple of geeky guys, one a “pacific islander” and the other a white man that had not yet seen advertisements for Proactiv. That’s the anti-climatic ending to that story, was I looking for a Brad Pitt look a like to be cheering me? I don’t know, but I damn sure didn’t get it…

At some point I swear I became sexy, cause every time I spin around I have a new woman to speak about… and it feels phenomenal.

Things you don’t want to spend Sunday night doing: Shopping for lube. That is all.

Thank God Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe, now don’t let them screw him out of the award that matters. There is a God…

I get some of the funniest e-mails about the Spy Lounge, though I’m never there I’m still all too happy to get as many people to go as possible. I’m not sure if people are taking bribes for open mics in other cities, or maybe they just take open mics THAT seriously, but “OH MY”. If I weren’t in the running for laziest man in the Northern Virginia I would go copy and paste one. Oh well, let your imagination be your guide.

I like that last sentence; I’d like to invite someone that actually believed I pull an orgy together to my place. When they ask how to get there, I answer…

iPod theme of the Day: The Seeker by A White Band I don’t know (problem with not buying your songs on iTunes is that people can just name the artist as whoever and you’ll still download it because it’s convenient)

I miss 50 Cent’s popularity. Doesn’t anyone else care?

Nelson brought me Tacos from Taco Bell last night. That’s what friends are for. Now, KILL FOR ME EI, KILL FOR ME! (I’ll accept a photo message on my cell phone by noon today as proof, p.s. - I love yuns)

I hate not being out as much anymore. I hate that Atif is out there in the cold without my warm backhand… cause I’m still pimpin’… HARD. What do I love? No women, cause I just told you I was pimpin (jk). I love the feeling when I get my lazy butt in the car to actually go laugh with friends, and white strangers and tell jokes. Don’t know where I’m going this week, cause it’s all closing (least it seems that way) but I’ll be somewhere and I look forward to seeing anyone that’s there. My, that’s a vague statement.

Before I leave I want to leave you with a food that’s funny to me: Beef Stroganoff (that’s a pun if I’ve ever heard one)

Peaces