That's interesting, I thought Native Americans were extinct

I have been slightly busier than normal but that is no excuse for the lack of blogging, if Erin Jackson can do it than who am I to neglect this “thing?” Let it begin…

Snoopy, from Peanuts, is a whore. He exchanges sexual favors for money. Maybe next time that he dives out of a moving automobile because things jumped up a notch above what he’s comfortable with he’ll think twice. I want my money back Snoop.

I have a cut on my arm and have no idea where it came from. I like to imagine that I’m a sleep-burglar. Now where did I put all that money?

I’m going to start referring to my “nethers” in the most disturbingly large and unattractive ways to see how far you have to go to disgust a woman. “No way you can handle me… have you ever swallowed a phone?” “Meet my only child!” “Say hello to Dr. Chubby D*ck.” “Doctors thought I had a Siamese twin that never fully developed which is why I name him Darrell, touch his face!” “My d*ck has feet.”

I have really taken to calling someone a "sandwich maker." For those unfamiliar with my tweets, that would be when someone infuriates you to the point you grab a fist full of ham and shove it right up their chute. They just helped you make a sandwich; a man sandwich. I couldn't imagine doing that to a woman, but that thought tickles me too. Sammiches!

I need some feety pajamas but I fear that I will totally stop buying clothes to wear outside of work. Once it becomes dingy I’ll look like a kid that was kicked out of his house as a toddler and just stayed homeless.

Are we all excited to see Machete?! I’m saddened that Lindsay Lohan’s “nude scene” has me grinning but I do love boobs. Alba, Rodriguez (Michelle), Lohan and some random woman playing her mother that also gets naked… I’ve never spanked it in public before but jaaam!

Apparently right after I left Brittany’s last night a fight broke out and someone pulled a knife then the cops got called. When I was told my response was “ugh, I hate cops.” If weed were legal I don’t think I’d feel this way. Who has to die to make this possible.

Weedly-related, I find it funny that when Phillip said his joke about having the heart conditions that make it impossible for him to drink or smoke, cigarettes or other, Mariya chimed in “Oooh!” We “frequent flyers” are a compassionate people, God bless you, one and all.

iTunes 10 will introduce yet another social networking tool, PING. Now everyone can know what Tyler S. is listening to. And everyone will know how much Norah Jones I really listen to. It WAS my dirty little obsession before today.

In Chicago on Monday a little girl said “Mommy, here comes a black man. Grab your purse.” I had my headphones in but definitely heard her and treated it as though I hadn’t. But once it got out of her mouth her mother shouted “Melinda!” as though she just pulled out a samurai sword and started waving it. It tickled me in hindsight but I was pretty blown away at the time.

I’m going to start shooting really random short videos for a YouTube account that doesn’t have my name attached. The first one, “You Got Served.”

“Oh boy, this whole room smells like a queef. It’s time to vacuum.”

I saw on Punchline Magazine that a man was telling a joke for $.50, or something like that, on the street and making as much as $17 an hour. I wish I thought of it, I’m so tired of working a day job. If only I weren’t too cheap to play the lottery I could be a millionaire.

“Dude you look pregnant, like really bloated but you’re glowing.”

I’m really considering getting some laxative (“Ass Drano”) and spending the weekend doing what I love. Wake, bake, toilet, nap, toilet, bake, toilet, food, bake, toilet…

Well, I must be going, I think I’m going to sleep on my keyboard for the next two hours. Enjoy, be safe and bang someone you want.

Peaces

"Jones!" Not Indiana, Koala.

(We pick up with Koala Jones in the jungle)
Swinging from the vines he pauses, “Hmmm, wasn’t I supposed to be doing something?” He was supposed to be torturing a man he had been paid to kidnap last week. Mr. Timmly died three days before Jones even thought about that. What brought Koala Jones out to the Brazilian jungle? What else, but hot koala tail. The tribe of women that Koala Jones visits every year in July weren’t actually koalas. Despite the delicious looking women in the pornographic films you may have seen before, a lot of them are hairy legged beasts, for this Jones identifies them as koalas.

Back at the village, Jones is mid-conga line when a tiger (I don’t care if those can be found in the Brazilian jungle, Koala Jones is a bad ass) came out of the brush and stood right in front of the first conga koala. Jones dove into action before a single hair on those Brazilians’ tanned legs could be harmed. With him belt undone, yep you heard me, he jumped on the tiger’s back and rode that beast all the way into a cave. Once in the cave Jones realized this was the tiger’s home. She had brought him back to her cave for naughty things. Jones knew it because her paws were soaked to the bone. What’s a koala to do but wax that dirty, Brazilian, tiger meat ass?

In the morning Koala set out on foot with a Capri Sun drink and “after stink” that could keep a bear away. Happening upon a waterfall, Koala went for a dip, without his belt. He heard something coming, it was a group of homosexual men. Before Jones could get out someone had pulled off their clothes and hopped into the stream right on top of him. Nearly suffocating Jones under all that meat, Jones escaped and found his belt. As he walked away he heard a suggestion for “Who’s in my mouth?” He was glad he hadn’t seen or heard of that game before.

Back in NYC Koala Jones bought a pack of Starbursts. They just hit the spot.

It probably seems strange to some that Koala Jones wears a belt, but without it he would be unable to speak and inspire the world like he does. The belt once belonged to a Unicorn that happened upon Jones in the wild. The Unicorn told him that he tired of the ability to speak, because he was mythical and could never be seen by human eyes. Desperate to hear someone else speak, he gave the belt to Koala Jones. As soon as he gave the belt over, Jones attacked. Unicorn meat is believe by some to be the secret to eternal life. Jones felt nothing more than a full stomach and something that tasted like fried chicken. This would be the first kill for Jones, unfortunately it would not be his last run-in with a Unicorn, nor would they forget what he did to a fallen brother. Knowing that Unicorns are less likely to chase him in public he sought out the biggest population of people he could hide in. Koala Jones is terribly racist so China was out of the picture. But after finding a brochure for New York and seeing the level of woman offered out there he knew where he had to make his new home.

After watching the latest Robin Williams movie, Jones needed a rest, it was just so bad. Jones headed for the bedroom… a shadowy figure could be seen approaching his balcony. As Koala closed his door and prepared to sleep the night away, someone was standing on his balcony. Just as the door closed a Unicorn with fire red eyes pressed his face against the glass with an evil look.

To be continued…Peaces

Koala Jones, episode 1

And now for the ongoing adventures of Koala Jones!

It was a Sunday, most weeks Jones spent Sundays basking on his patio snacking on Eucalyptus leaves, not today though. A phone call awoke him from his normal post-orgy sleep, he had to crawl through dirty women-strangers just to answer. “And who has me standing here buck naked at 11 AM talking on the phone?!” It was a distraught man going on and on about his missing father. The only thought that kept going through Jones’ mind was whether or not he used protection last night. He stared blankly at a mole on his palm wondering if it had always been there or if one of these women had given him something that needed urgent care. Suddenly, “So will you help me? Or do I need to call the police?” Without thought, or certainty of what had really been asked while he was distracted, Jones replied “You’ve have the wrong number, I’m not a detective.” The rest of the afternoon was spent planning his Monday… Jones’ had been paid to assassinate a CEO of an evil conglomerate.

Monday:
“I don’t want to pop this thing but if you don’t tell me the security code I’m afraid it has to go!” Koala Jones was extracting information from a security guard, he was a big man but one of his testicles was in a koala death grip. He gave Jones the information he was looking for, unfortunately that testicle still had to be removed. As Jones ran up a staircase desperate to pull of his mission on time he noticed a half eaten Snickers bar on the ground; he ate it. The CEO, Mr. Timmly, had security like the president of the United States of America. Koala Jones wasn’t much for hand to hand combat, that’s why his clients love him. In keeping with his reputation of being discrete Jones’ swallowed a lot of grenades, it’s hard to identify anything when you blow it to the Stone Age. The “pick up” went according to plan, now to hide his hostage until he received further demands from his client.

Tuesday (getting to know each other):
“I hope you like The Weather Girls, because no matter what the forecast, it’s always raining men.” These were the first words that Mr. Timmly heard while coming out of a dream. Looking around he couldn’t place if he was in a basement or if he was in an attic, either way it smelled heavily of ammonia. “What’s that smell? Where am I? What the f*** is that smell?!” Mr. Timmly asked. He was being hidden in Koala Jones’ poop room, the other rooms had sleeping women fresh off a Monday night orgy and they could not be disturbed. “I’m sorry I had to put you in my poop room, I had no where else to put you. Mayonnaise?” Though he declined the mayo, Mr. Timmly questioned why a Koala had kidnapped him and what he wanted. Jones replied “Well, it appears you’re an adulterer, your wife doesn’t think much of that. She is paying me a lot of money to send her pictures of you being tortured. So, I’m going to play this Weather girls song until you beg me to stop. Then, when I feel you’ve truly had enough, I’m going to put on the entire series of Friends and you’ll watch every episode.” Confused Mr. Timmly asked “And after that I can just go?” Koala Jones responded “No, then she wants a picture of you dead. Enjoy this song and enjoy the series.”

Wednesday:
Koala came into the room, he pooped, then he left. Mr. Timmly was still enjoying the song It’s raining men. Unrelated: Nothing good came on The Movie Channel that night, nothing good ever comes on The Movie Channel.

To be continued... with car crashes, laxative drinks and more sex than you can shake a stick at. Check back soon.

Peaces

I can't diagnose that, because I'm not a doctor.

Two thugs in an alleyway:
#1: Step, Step, pivot, smile, dip… no! How many times are you gonna flex right there when you know it’s dip?!
#2: Sorry, I don’t even know where my head is at.
#1: Maybe the King and I isn’t something you care about anymore. Maybe you’d rather not turn a classic into an all black rock opera that takes us outta the ghetto and away from this life.
#2: You that ain’t true, I just had to bury another homeboy that got caught up in the mix yesterday. Damn this penis!
#1: It wasn’t your dick’s fault that Jerry tried to get a taste and turned to drugs when you denied him. It was wrong, he was family… and you ain’t gay. Now c’mon, from the downbeat…
#2: (sniff) Let’s roll!

I’ve begun planting money in hopes that a money tree will form. If I’m gonna move I will need at least $72 dollars. C’mon money tree.

“No, no more Ziti for me, it’s Ramadan.”

Let us take a moment of silence for the first man to slap a woman’s ass and mean it as a compliment. Respect must also be given to the first freak (in a good way) to take the compliment and sleep with said man. Respect

“Excuse me Miss, but how many times am I going to have to make quips about the day before you ask me my name? I want some Tang and I thought I was being a gentleman about this; but you gon make me go the other way. So, Spain won the World Cup huh?”

Sex is a crafty distraction put in front of us by the Plutonians. Do they know they succeeded? Good question, I prefer to think they didn’t plan how long it would take to get here correctly.

I want Chipotle so bad I’m doing the pee pee dance. Wait… no, apparently I had to urinate. Damn, why do I always guess wrong?

I’ve been listening to Mariya Alexander’s podcast since Friday, I’m addicted. Don’t know why I jumped on the bus so far after everyone else, but me likey. I would like to go on with Jack of All Trades and hear his side of the story. “What story?” Pick one, I guarantee there are plenty of stories in his past worth our time.

Bad grammar makes me grip the hilt of my sword. I’m just old fashioned that’s all.

Harry Belafonte (pictured above, looking just as sensual as always) is the constant in every conga line in the 21st century. Bless him…

“Lotion…” Huh? “Lotion is what someone with ashy hands like your needs most.” Oh, actually I’m just here for stamps, does the post office sell lotion? “Nope, I just didn’t want you to shake someone unsuspecting person’s hand and cut anybody. Stamps are $5.00.”

Looking back, I cabbage patch while getting ready to go anywhere, far too often. I’m totally abusing the running man.

M’kay, I’m off to stare at my soda bottle until it’s lunch time. Hooray!

Peaces

Is that fried chicken I smell cooking? (no) Oh.

Local news: I need a haircut, currently I appear to auditioning for the role of Slave #2.

I’m way too excited to meet John Witherspoon, I don’t want to come off as a d*ck rider, but tattooing “Bang Bang Bang” on my neck isn’t too much right? C’mon August…

I have my precious iPhone 4 now, to all those who are without I feel your pain. Not really, last night I made love to it and then we feel asleep in our mess. I work hard, I play hard (begins dancing to Teach Me How to Dougie).

Hopefully everyone caught the great Louis C.K.’s new show LOUIE on FX last night. If you missed it, you are not loved. You have my sympathy; catch a repeat and a whole basket of God’s love.

July 13th feels like it’s an ocean away but soon Curren$y "Spitta" will grace us with his new album and tiny angels will come down and kiss the faces of those who purchase it. Every time that you put the album on repeat the angel will return to whisper something in your ear that is pleasant to hear. “You are very attractive and your breath smells like delicious Fruit by the Foot.”

I’m trying to work on a joke about Pachyderms, I could say elephant but that term has always made me laugh. Plus, it makes me think of Babar.

National news: Chris Brown didn’t want to be known for beating women so instead he will be referred as a b*tch. That is all.

I hate being a victim of a stereotype but guess which soda I’m drinking: A) Orange B) Grape C) Sprite? See below for the answer…

I’m infatuated with “Yo Momma” jokes right now. I make them to myself and try to lock them away for the moment that an opportunity presents itself. Example: “I have to pick up some more Mr. Bubbles.” Why? “Because your mother was over last night and used the whole bottle. She really loves that stuff.” Zing!

Two wrongs don’t make a right… Hey! You, little kid! Get away from my car before I take a sh!t on your skateboard and make you eat it! Sorry; where was I?

I was in NY on Sunday and Monday, when I arrived it was right in the middle of gay pride festivities. I have never been exposed to that much gay in my entire life. It looked like the most fun a gay person could have, I feel like calling it “a gay person’s Mardi Gras” isn’t doing it justice. And the beautiful women, my God! Something still seems off-putting about watching two gigantic, ripped, brick-sh!t house men giving piggy backs across the street but hey, what can you do? I also got to chill and joke with the Fowlest for awhile, I miss him being around but perhaps I’ll do what all DC people do and move. Perhaps…

Anyone not watching the Boondocks this season is only hurting themselves. “I like you, and I wants you.” They’ll catch up eventually.

Well, I must go and feed the creature I keep chained down on floor zero. If he doesn’t get his mashed up taters he starts morphing into something horrible.

Peaces

Do I have to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?

I wrote a blog a few days ago but it met a tragic, programmer, error. While I was wrapping it up, a programmer needed to work at my desk for a minute and with the document out and my supervisor standing over him staring at it he asked “Do you want to save this?” I said “No, just delete it please.” Since it was a couple of pages long he asked again, while she tries to speed read, and I urged him to just do it. I had gold on there, now we’ll never know…

“Frown…frown harder…harder! Do you want me to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?!”

Today’s word of the day is marmalade, when used it cannot be talking about the condiment. Example: “I don’t care how get in done, marmalade that ass right up the ladder and get that boomerang you begged me to buy you. Before I lose patience with you.”

Things I hope I don’t have to answer for in the afterlife:
-Laughing repeatedly at my co-worker’s “challenged” daughter
-Not voting in the presidential election when Kerry lost to Bush
-My fetish for grapes (what does that mean?)
-Fantasies as a slave owner, white slaves
-Daydreams where I gain a superpower and become a villain instantly
-Mary Jane

My friend Jessie and I were joking about someone with a ridiculously big “junk” that trailed behind them like some horrible snake. “Hey, you know your d*ck is up here at the top of the stairs?” Sorry, (tug, tug, tug) is it gone now? “Yeah, thanks, I just don’t like when it stairs at me while I’m eating. I feel like I should feed it or something.

When did the Black Eyed Peas become the Beatles? They’re huge!

The FedEx tracking number for my iPhone 4 is 431939755515. Feel free to keep your eyes open for it.

A comedy trip with some friends this weekend, can’t wait. Everything tends to get silly when a bunch of silly people go somewhere different. Then things stop getting silly, and start getting REAL. The Real World: New York Again Part 4

Am I going to be a 70-year-old man waiting on A Tribe Called Quest to come back?

I ate fried chicken from Popeye’s today, but I ate it so fast there was no time to take a picture to go up top. So I went with Snuffy.

Alright, I’m out, but I will have many good things to talk about when next back at the helm.

Peaces

Put on a shirt?! I'm a war hero, you're welcome!

Only one story on my plate worth sharing today, the large group of handicapped people that came into the Comedy Spot last night right in time for Hot Broth. These people were obviously physically and mentally handicapped and some comics even tried being nice and asking if they were lost. I assume half of the question is trying to be helpful and the other half just wants a bad situation to be removed. Sadly, there was no improv show, just rehearsal so they were there for the open mic. Let the games begin!

Ahmed began the show as host and went up and ignored the elephant in the room pretty well. It couldn’t have taken more than three seconds into his first words before one of them made a noise. This noise would be best described as what Carlos Mencia is trying to imitate when you lets loose his battle cry. I’m not proud to say it, but this is where I began to lose it. I had the perfect seat for looking into Ahmed’s soul and whether he was just trying to look straight ahead or looking right at me, it was hilarious the look he wore while trying to ignore the obvious. I looked around in my fit of inward-giggling and noticed that no one else was really laughing for anything. I was a ball of silly, and whoever the creepy guy next to me with rape face was, knew it. I was looking to the ground with tears in my eyes when one jumped up.

The woman needed to use the restroom, and the guardian person did not want her to at that time. They fought about it in front of Ahmed for several seconds. Then finally the guardian grabs the woman’s arm and got the woman to sit, for about five seconds, then she popped back up and went hauling a$$ for the door. The guardian chased and they left the others to enjoy another 5 minutes, at most, of comedy. Ahmed finished up and brought on Eli, after asking if anyone had sex (a lot of replies were yes) a woman made the “noise” again. People laughed a little harder and Eli said “grow up guys” then all of the handicapped guests stood up and hauled a$$. It was weird, but I’m glad I didn’t have to try and perform with something that uncomfortable going on. I know I would’ve laughed so Ahmed, kudos to you. I liken it try to stay on topic while a guy in the front row slowly and methodically reached out for your junk. The urge to slap his fingers would be too strong, and I’d probably laugh at his horrible attempt to unass some of that shoot (slang for going for the hog).

When I told Nelson about it last night we had a laugh that generally only comes from XTREME tickling.

Curren$y’s Pilot Talk comes out on June 22nd! Jets fool…

Peaces

Who said money makes you classy?

For those who came to preview the State Theatre show on Saturday, feast up.


And here we are in the phase again, ah, I wish I was home nursing a bottle of Miller Lite watching Red Dead Redemption remind me how far video games have come. Sigh, maybe Saturday morning…

Next Saturday, June 12th come see Ahmed, Courtney Fearrington, Jessie Thomas, Andy Kline and TRich at the State Theatre in Falls Church! We’ll be making fun happen from 9-11 PM and ticket prices will come shortly. Jaaaam!

I understand why I have some Shakira music, that is completely in Spanish, on my iPod. But why on earth do I keep coming across Spanish people I’ve never heard of before on shuffle? Who are these Spanishes and how did they find me.

Go to Google’s homepage, then search “Google won’t” and click I’m feeling lucky. Trust me…

Chicago, don’t you hide from me, I’m coming! Not til August though. Sigh.

To hell with the chili in my car that I brought for lunch, Daddy needs his Chipotle fix and I’m gonna get it gosh darnit.

A woman at work is dressed inappropriately no matter what she is wearing, we call that blessed.

I should really go get that chili from my car, otherwise I fear it will get so hot outside that the chili will cook itself in the plastic container on my floor. And then there will be chili stink in my car; unacceptable.

I took my mother to see Sex and The City 2 on Monday, apparently it was the national day for black women to see that movie. I have not seen a movie in theaters with my mother since I was a child, once I was old enough to see stuff on my own that’s exactly what I did. She was talking to me loudly throughout the movie, and so was every other black woman in the theater. I had to do something, Samantha (Charlotte and Miranda, no love for Carrie) deserved our silence and since I paid for us to see it I wasn’t about to miss the girls for conversation that I didn’t pay to hear. I yelled “Mom, if you don’t stop talking to me like we’re in your living room I’m going to get upset.” I think all of the other women got the point because I was able to focus on the movie after that. You just can’t take some people anywhere, and yeah, I love my mommy.

This was a quicker blog, but I’ll try to do this tomorrow.

Peaces

"Where you been?" I had hemorrhoids. "Oh."

I have been off doing I don’t know what for far too long. Where is the random non-sense that keeps two people on the edge of their seats and allows for elves to tuck their children in at night? We have much to go over, let it begin.

I’m older now, 27, so I’ve taken up going to check the mail with nothing but boxers on. The mailbox is quite a walk so I like to consider it a really long, boxer laden, Soul Train line. Except I don’t dance, I won’t do that.

June 3-5th I’ll be in Baltimore at the Comedy Factory opening for John Henton, you may know him as Overton from Living Single. I’m really excited for this; I’m hoping he’ll be down for posing with Chipotle burritos like we’re black secret agents on a burrito mission. I’ll settle for casual conversation though, let the games begin!

The DC 101 Chili Cook-off was out of control awesome. Let’s go over some things that happened on Saturday for those that chose not to rock out and eat like a gluttonous king: Half naked white women were everywhere, most of the men with them were wearing less than they were. There was so much chili I felt like Homer in Chocolate Land, I was so happy walking from place to place eating for freezies and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, all of those little samples eventually made for a very full stomach. I’ll save a lot of details and say that I walked slowly to a port o’ potty and DESTROYED that thing. I was so ashamed, but I was definitely not going to sit down, no sir. There was Mary Jane everywhere and those it took Nelson (and *cough*) sometime to get into the mix of the hippie lifestyle, soon enough everything was in the sky. Nelson crowd surfed, I wish I could’ve brought myself to do that but I saw way too many people get flung into the mosh pit. Crowd surfing girls were groped (not by me) and then there was the naked old lady. A circle formed so this young lady could strip, cool, but then this old woman came out of nowhere and crashed that $#!T. She started with her top, unacceptable but not THAT bad in hindsight. Then as soon as I told myself “that’s enough” she peeled everything off and danced naked as a jaybird in that circle for the next five minutes. Stone Temple Pilots rocked! Switchfoot rocked! Cage the elephant rocked! I wish we could do it all over again, mostly because it would be Saturday all over again but I’ll wait a few more days.

I’ve gotten my chipped tooth fixed and though I’m slowly getting used to a normal-ish mouth, I kept clanking my teeth together the first day or two. It made eating a true struggle; can anyone guess what the first thing I was able to eat successfully was? Fried Chicken on Sunday, yep, it’s fate.

I’ve been carrying around this picture of a handicapped kid that been making me laugh, normally I would feel bad about that but she is hilarious. And I never grow tired of people reactions when they get confirmation that the little girl in my picture album is in fact handicapped. Ah, the best things in life are free. I would put her up here, but that would be tasteless.

Springtime means people are hooking up like jackrabbits. Normally I would be bitter, but I’m happily in my own little relationship, so I’m right there with the birds.

Dear John Legend: What the hell are you waiting for, I need new mood music and I’ve played Trey Songz new album so much I hear “Yuuuup” in my nightmares. Sincerely, Bill Clinton

I can’t wait to try this new pro-slavery joke I thought of last night. In 2 of 3 attempts in my mind, I see a bottle getting hurled at my face. But that magical third reaction of laughter is the one I’m hoping is realized. I just have to wear white face while I tell it.

Praise be to the wolf! It’s been awhile since he was given his due so I had to backtrack for a second. Moving on…

Is it weird to find a wedgie sexy? Of course not, nah.

I wish genies were real so I could make wishes. Oh, you’re curious? Well, if I only get three: 1) A Chipotle bag that will always have food in it when I’m hungry. 2) A dragon that loves me and will always obey my every command. 3) The ability to grow the world’s most magnificent facial hair.

You’ll notice that I didn’t ask for millions, with a dragon at my disposal the money will never be a problem. “Give me all the money in your safe! You’re about to get torched back to the Stone Age by my dragon Sean Connery (wuh? I liked Dragonheart) if I don’t see all the gold! Hahahahahaha!”

WWDC is so close now I can hardly wipe my own bottom, new iPhone and OS 4!

Okay, I’m out for a little bit, but I’m going to attempt to do this a little more often. Jaaam!

LOST series finale > 24 series finale, both will be missed sorely. Monday and Tuesday have lost their purpose…

Peaces

Maple leaves smell a lot like cannibusSo, it’s been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the

Koala bears aren't in Canada, but he makes laugh so I wanted you to see it. It's been awhile, how was Canada? Let’s recap but I’ll make this fun rather than a seven page report of the happenings. Ahem:

- I had to leave my favorite cologne at security in Reagan Nat’l Airport because I’m retarded and didn’t remember liquids are essentially a bomb. My mistake.
- Along with my deodorant and cologne the d’bag security guy also took both copies of my letter
stating my purpose in Canada. I worried but I’d have bigger problems trying to enter Canada than
that.
- Canada is pretty strick on letting criminals into their country. I didn’t consider myself a
criminal until they reminded me that I stole something from Circuit City when I was 19 and though it was wiped from my record (it was a video game, yep) it was still theft. My possession (also removed from my record) was of no concern. I had to pay $200 for a rehab permission slip that allowed me in,
or I had to hop back on a plane to the states.
- My hotel was way better than I expected, I was prepared for slum and got a nice Hilton, who
knew?
- I have never been offered a “smoke” so many times in my life! It was awesome how they think
nothing of something that is still not that accepted here, those people don’t even put cologne on after hot boxing. That was the hardest thing about leaving, and the comedy.
- Hot women were everywhere. What? I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
- I cleaned up in Blackjack, which was awesome since I lost a lot of money very quickly in
Roulette.
- Any Asian that goes missing here should probably have a search party in Canada, they’re
everywhere.
- While being driven to the second hotel I had to check into our driver got pulled over.
She found out, just like we did, that the car she was given to drive us in was not registered. It hadn’t been for five years, and she had an outstanding warrant. Luckily, unlike the other two comics in the car I
wasn’t heading to the airport and had nothing but time. We ended up standing on the side of the road for a minute waiting for someone else to come pick us up.
- I was unaware so many people were eating Bison meat. I’m not that much of animal
sympathizer but Bison is definitely on that list of animals I won’t eat. Not when there are fruit roll ups or cows still walking the earth.
- There was a blizzard one day, I enjoyed that thoroughly.
- I drank a Red Bull the size of a thigh on Sunday night.
- There were no Chipotle’s…

Well, with that let us continue with our weekend (perhaps see Iron Man 2) and we'll start brand new and fresh on Monday.

That is not how you spell Niger! You know this.

A husband in denial: “Damnit Susan, your mouth tastes distinctly like a condom. You’ve been gone all afternoon and I want to know where you were? Whole Foods?”

So, I’ve been drawing pictures of animals with genitals that are way too big lately. I know, Superbad was a long time ago but some stuff just is just funny. The problem with this type of behavior is that now I have friends requesting pictures. What do you say when you’ve supplied plenty of d*ck and the people want more? Tell them I’m not in the mood? Nope, I’m gonna buckle down and think of a cute woodland creature; then I’m gonna put a huge grown man d*ck on it.

I’m as giddy as a school man (I’m not a girl) about leaving the country. Not since I was a young boy leaving Germany (true story) have I been outside of the United States. I really need to travel some more, the next stop is Amsterdam. I need to find a new best friend the second I get there so I don’t have to be lonely and I have someone for foreign shenanigans. But Saturday seems like forever away so I’ll stay mentally here for the next few days.

I smell S’mores, but since I seriously doubt that I could walk around and find someone on the fifth floor in front of a fire holding a stick, I think it’s probably ethnic food. Gross.

Quote of the week (thus far): “That girl is so fine I’d like to walk over to her and just start singing an LL Cool J song. Hey luva, this is more than a crush…” – Nelson Sayson

When 24 actually ends, will they just have Jack Bauer blowtorch every bad person responsible for evil doing anywhere? He should be stopping people who are potentially evil from getting it on, since he won’t be here to kill their dictator of a child in 35 years. We’ll miss you Jack Bauer, I already do and you’re still here. Sigh…

Stephen Hawking has stated what I’ve always believed, aliens more than likely won’t be friendly. I’ve been up many a homeless person that told me they were aliens. Did I believe them? No, but just in case an alien was somewhat close by I wanted him to know to wear a cup.

Datpiff.com is the place where I’ve been getting all of my Curren$y mixtapes, I’m disappointed in myself for not listening to Hot Spitta earlier. If you like Lil Wayne’s work ethic, know that Curren$y put out 7 mixtapes in the last year and half, that’s free GOOD music. Please support real music.

Wedgie… got it.

I just ate some bacon that tasted like it was made from Kilwalksi the muscle pig. It was tough and had a jawline. I think I feel it flexing it’s way down my throat now, uh oh, sleeper hold!

Great, now I have Hey Lover by LL Cool J featuring Boyz II Men in my head.

The adventures of random dude:
“I’ve never committed a crime, except for the time that guy was trying show off in front of his girlfriend and I stabbed him for stepping to me wrong. Other than that day; nothing.”

Skidamerinky dinky dink, skida f*ck that song. I never liked the Elephant Show.

I must go now, there are wrongs to right and sodas to sip on.

Peaces

Holy $#IT, check out the package on that bear!

And here we are with what is sure to be a rainy Wednesday’s highlight: The story of Mabel, the big d*cked bear. And now, cue the theme music!

“There once was a sorcerer that got bored, so he decided to play
He found a bear that was full of joy and decided to make him great
He gave him genitals 50 times larger than were necessary
It’s impossible for him to mate
But don’t you cry, he’s got to much pride
To let that ruin his day
He’s Mabel, the bear with a really big d*ck
He never swears, he’s got hugs to spare
Cause with a d*ck this big who wouldn’t share”

Some have speculated that if you wander into the forest with a jar of marmalade that is aged just right, you’ll be in for a surprise. While there is no documented proof of Mabel, there have been many reports made to the Shingle Police Station of a bear with genitals the size of a dinosaur’s in the local park. Local police chief Johnson said “From what we hear, they are prank sized genitals, so large that people assume a friend is hiding behind a tree pumping this thing up with a bike pump or something. Hell most folks say he’s harmless, just stands there and lets you soak it all in. Most of em’ laugh stupid til he wanders away or run screaming from the thing. You should’ve seen this nun that wandered across it; white as a ghost when I found her. Only words she kept saying was BIG and Tali whacker; over and over again.”

It is believed that Mabel, the big d*cked bear, survives not on ordinary bear food supplies but picnic baskets. Wait… that’s Yogi, sorry one of the pictures sketched for Mabel has him dressed like Yogi the Bear with his “tali whacker” sitting in the potato salad. It’s really disturbing, and pretty funny. Anyway, Mabel does have a sweet tooth. This family says that he walked up, in broad daylight, and ate every snack they had in their camper. “Yeah, at first we were terrified, you know? A bear is right there in front of us and breathing real hard. I put myself in between the bear and my family so he could eat me and fill, that way he might only eat my wife and leave the children to tell the tale; he just walked right past me. First he killed off every Airhead that we had. Even the watermelon flavored disgusting ones got gobbled up. The whole time we’re watching him pilfer, I can’t help but notice that my daughter is gargoyle staring at the tree trunk this thing is dragging around with it. I was like someone just opened the arc of the covenant. Her eyebrows still have a lightning streak of white running through them. And, between you and I… it was beautiful.”

We only wish that we had the opportunity to catch this myth on tape. Hopefully Mabel is out there raising big d*ck little cubs, but we’re unsure of what kind of female bear it would take to mate with Mabel. Scientists claim that with his mythical shaft it would take a female bear 70 feet long to complete the mating ritual. I, for one, hope that she died quickly after what was surely a horrific scene that would make the Care Bears puke. Well folks, if you’re ever wandering through the forest without shoes on, and maybe you remembered you didn’t take that large jar of marmalade out of your backpack; or maybe you’re just eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Please try and get a picture of our friend Mabel, let him know that we respect his genitals and would love to put them in a museum someday… him too.

Peaces

This office doesn't have a 4:20 policy Mr. Richardson!

Well here we are again, bloggin it up and making this holiday the very best 420 it can be. Hopefully everyone will get off that tush and come to Solly’s to celebrate this thing right… with a Miller Lite (wink).

I’m very excited to be headed to FunnyFest next Friday, I’m going to take WAAAY more pictures than I did in Nebraska. I don’t care if the only people over there are 70 year old hippies offering some peace-pipe-age. I’m also very excited to worry about nothing but performing for a week or so.

For the show featuring Josh Scott, Tim Miller and Courtney Fearrington; I just learned that I am allowed to wrestle with a bear even though I have no previous fight experience. Friday May 14th at Fort Belvoir, time is a mystery but I’m sure I’ll have it soon. It’s gonna be crazy!

I’ve been thinking that I may be able to get onto a Shackleford show with a disguise, like a 1930’s mustache. I’ll follow up once I’ve done the field work. I’m kidding, that’s a waste of my guess, he’ll know its me.

I sent an inappropriate picture of a bear with a big wenis to all of my friends. Immaturity only exists if you believe you have something beneath you. I am not bound by this electrical tape called pride.

I saw Kick Ass and guess what… I’m not going to say it. Just go see this movie.

Beans are not a magical fruit. They make dates very uncomfortable; or so I hear.

Alright, I hope to see everyone around and can't wait til tomorrow when I write a real blog. Jaaam!

Peaces

I'm telling you, Starburst don't have a poop flavor; you should stop eating that.

I’m as hard as a brick, I kid, I just wanted to get your attention. Now that I have it let’s jump into this pool of random shall we? Ah ah, take off those band-aids. If one of the children get hold of those they’ll try to eat scabbing out of the gauzy part. Now then…

Rick Ross haunts my nightmares like Freddy Krueger, the only difference is that Rick Ross isn’t there to kill me. Generally he just stumbles around my dreams looking for a woman named cheeseburger. I hope he finds her so he can get the hell out of there and I can get back to my dreams of world domination. Maybe I should go to sleep with a cheeseburger clenched in between my thighs and I’ll take it with me to my dream world. Yeah!

I’m seeing someone right now that makes me very happy, the ultimate test for me of how much we have in common will be when she is forced to watch one of the adult cartoons I hold dearest. If she laughs at Frisky Dingo then I might have to make her a sammich right then… and I don’t make anyone sammiches.

Everyone is coughing and hacking like they’ve caught the bubonic plague. All I have to defend against them is a bottle of Instant Hand Sanitizer. If this were a video game I would charge someone when they coughed and squirt this crap down their throat. They would fizzle and turn into coins and I would collect them until I got to the castle where my princess is being held captive. Instead I’m sitting here reapplying more and more every time I hear a scary whooping cough. Good times…

I saw Brandon Warbell stab a homeless man that asked him for change on Saturday night. Don’t let that get back to him, I’d prefer to live through 2010. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face, he keeps a butterfly knife in his pocket, I’ve seen it.

Every Friday should end with Sean Paul Ellis and his lovely wife Kim. They’re so happy I swear they can’t be real… come to think of it I’ve never seen either one of them in front of a mirror. Dracula!

It’s a Chipotle day! (also known as a weekday) I’m going to send Ahmed a picture with me eating it that way if he’s eating a stalk of celery or something he can sigh and know I’m having a blast. Yaaaam!

Kanye West, what the hell happened to you? Please just make a true follow up to Late Registration. We miss you

I had a blast at the Velvet Lounge on Friday! Eli was incredible (someone choked to death during his set, Andy was phenomenal (the fans just grabbed him and forced him to crowd surf) then Seaton came and set the place on fire (literally, I’m pretty sure the police are looking for him). It was awesome and I was thrilled to have been there to check IDs with the bouncer.

Peaces

Hello Thursday, you didn't come home last night. I waited...

Merry Thursday everyone! Last night at Soundry’s was fun, I got to eye hump some picture of a bubble butted woman. Jaaam!

The joke writing machine continues, I have never written so many in such little time… I feel like every other comic now! I wish I had thought of something new tonight but perhaps it will come to me between now and 7 O’ Clock. Something to do with hyena meat, the clock is ticking.

The iPhone will finally be able to multi-task. Uh oh, the floor beneath me is coming apart, AH! OMG:
TRich: Who is that? What’s going on?
Dark figure: I’m here to claim what is rightfully mine.
T: What does that have to do with me? OH NO, are you…
Both: Satan!
S: Come with me, you begged for multi-tasking and whined like every other Apple fan boy. Well you have what you crave, now I want your soul.
T: What happened to my wish for a million dollars when I was eight years old?
S: I can’t grant every wish that is thrown out into the universe.
T: Well a lot of other people asked for the same thing. Why aren’t you coming for them?
S: Because someone has to be made into an example!
T: What about Nelson or Sean Paul Ellis? They would both use this ability a lot more and probably wanted it a lot more.
S: Hmm… well, I guess; NO! I won’t be swayed or bargained with. Now get in the sack!
T: You don’t have a car or an elevator? Jesus.
Jesus: Yes my son.
T: Look, I may have exaggerated and sold my soul for Apple to allow the iPhone to have multi-tasking. But you know me, I go overboard quite a bit.
J: You will always be my child, and when your times comes to leave this planet you will come with me not him.
S: FINE! Hey kid, give me those guy’s addresses you mentioned before.
T: Gotta pen?
S: No, I was hoping you did.
T: Then f*** off. Hey Jesus, can I have a peek at Heaven?
J: Sure, hop in the sack.
T: I guess no one has a car or an elevator…
J: You can wait for your look at Heaven, maybe when you get here you won’t be such a smug jerk.
T: That wasn’t very nice.
J: Sorry, I missed LOST the other night and I’ve been taking it out on everyone.
T: Me too, no worries J man, we’ll both see it eventually.
J: Peaces TRich.
T: Peaces Jesus. Hey Satan…
S: Yeah.
T: F*** off, what are you still doing here?
S: I really hate you.
T: Back at ya Satan, back at ya.

I had way too big a grin writing that, thank goodness no one at work peeked over my shoulder to see. How could they treat me like a normal individual after finding out how truly strange I am? But the trick is to embrace it, never run from it.

I’m leaving work now so I’ll see whoever is out at Hot Broth tonight and tomorrow at 3 Chord Comedy at 7 PM! Just do it!

Peaces

"Dis is a good ass SAMMICH!"

If you haven’t heard, 3 Chord Comedy will be on Friday at the Velvet Lounge at 7 PM! Who’s performing you ask? Welp, there’s Eli Sairs (who’s known to rock a microphone), Andy Kline (I’ve never seen him smack a woman, making him the nicest pimp ever) and Seaton Smith (who’s in the Staff Pick’s on Rooftop Comedy right now, thanks Twitter). Someone in there I also fit, I just wasn’t sure where but I’m looking forward to the whole shibangy-bang.

I’ve really had fun with the word “sammich” today. It’s just the really ignant (ignorant) way to say sandwich but I feel like it gets a bad and pitiful look as soon as it comes out of your mouth. I gave the same look to a co-worker when I heard “That’s an extra fiddy cent.” I was so disappointed in her, she knows better.

Hold me now, I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking… yeah, I listen to Creed. You gotta a problem with that? Hold me now…

Don’t you just love when a stereotype comes to life? (He takes a big bite of watermelon)

I look forward to seeing whoever is at Soundry tonight, Solly’s was a blast last night. But then again, anytime you get to see Ahmed dance it’s a good night. He’s a day older today, don’t let him forget it. Birthday licks… (applies his chapstick)

I have to cut my nails, I have a Freddy Kruegger thing going on right now. This afternoon I slipped into someone’s dream and forced them to watch Season 1 of Mind of Mencia until they jumped off a building. And now I’m off to buy Season 2, someone must pay…

I’ve been a twittering fool lately, I really need to work. To think I was so against it for a long time.

Well, since I’m all caught up with my work I’ll be able to write a good nonsensical story for tomorrow. For now…

Peaces

Whoa Friday, I said I'm your friend... not boy toy.

3 Chord Comedy, April 9th at 7! Eli Sairs, Me, Seaton Smith and maybe there will be punch and pie. For $4, it’s gonna be $9 funny, just c’mon!

I had a blast Wednesday night in the Hoff theater at UMD with Justin Cousson and Reggie Watts. It sucked that I had to leave early but I caught enough to hold my sides for awhile. It was a good a Wednesday as I could’ve hoped for, and I got a tape that shows a bunch of students booing me before I even walked onstage. All in good fun though, I loved it, plus they cheered at the end.

I’m excited about the chili cookoff, should be fun and I’ve always wanted to go but never got off my butt to buy a ticket. I did attempt to go last year but the tickets sold out before I tried to buy mine. But not this year, and anyone that wants to come please reach out, the more the merrier.

Yesterday I ate a Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich I got on Monday. I’m waiting for it to really kick in, but I know it’s going to make my day a nightmare. Pray for me…

Damn you Justin Timberlake, why is any song you’re on so addictive. No homo…

I saw a really funny guy from NY with a majestic beard at Solly’s on Saturday. His jokes stayed with me for a day or two but his beard haunts my dreams. I wish he would come back.

I went ice skating at an arena that was jam packed full of Asians last night. It was interesting and there were many comical falls, including by my partner who Superman’d the ice several times. One time I attempted to turn around but had too much momentum for a novice like myself and just kept going saying “OOOOOH!” while I had one leg in the air sailing along. Good times.

I really enjoy being back out, I’ve missed it all and everyone. Enough sap, I need to write two more jokes by Monday.

I have to step into a meeting to sleep publicly, but I’ll be seeing everyone around. Enjoy the weekend!

Peaces

Hmm, someone dropped frosty... nope, not frosting.

Well, here we are at the beginning of another week. We made it… where is Johnny? Dammit, he’s supposed to bring snacks for the vegetarians at the party next week! Why Lord, take Pete instead Lord, take Pete instead! Pete… could you give me some space for a minute? You’re smothering me man.

Something that keeps running through my mind is the sword happy mouse from Alice in Wonderland. He never hesitated to pull his sword even if someone just wanted to know what time it was. And, he stabbed quite a few people in that movie.

Most valuable lesson I learned this weekend? When someone is hurling a television, you want to catch it.

I’m just about done moving and I feel like I was fighting off a prisoner’s advances all weekend. I have got to get in the gym.

I’m getting excited about a show on Wednesday, pictures to come…

I got my passport in the mail on Saturday and now I have all of the pieces for my journey to Funnyfest in May. Tickets, check, passport, check, ass less chaps… double cheek check. Ugh!

Whenever a Redman song comes on my phone on shuffle, I want to start stomping around my floor and “woof”-ing at people. His music takes me back to a simpler time, a time without condoms or crime. That’s right; the 90’s.

I keep wanting to yell at people like a wizard. “You have been banished!” “Valhalla!” “Head due west until the sun touches the canyon!”

The new stuff that I was dying to tell last week has grown hands and feet. I don’t really know what that is supposed to mean but people laughed. I don’t know what a joke with hands and feet would look like but I picture it kicking someone’s door in and strangling them for no reason whatsoever. Because jokes kill, believe dat.

When you have a classy woman in the car and you’re faced with the choice of Lil Wayne or Frank Sinatra; I’ve found Sinatra is a better choice. I found that out with trial and error of course, nothing was said but the awkwardness was pretty tangible. Lessons for the future…

I saw Eli Sairs pick up a dying puppy and punt it towards a trash can, which he missed by the way. The dog was going to die, that’s not the issue, the issue is that Eli Sairs is a litterbug.

I bought a MX vs. ATV game yesterday on a whim because the cable guy wouldn’t make it to my new house until today. I think I need to practice will power because I played it for an hour before putting Tiger Woods 10 back into the XBOX.

And yeah, I ate at Chipotle again yesterday. Love knows no bounds, it only knows textures. Our love is like touching a Rice Krispy Treat, slightly sticky but delicious.

Is it inappropriate to tell someone at work that you feel they’re abandoning breast feeding too early? Yeah… I should keep my mouth shut.

Peaces

Whoomp, there... who stole my crabapples?!

Good day and Spamoni (Spam and Beefaroni, yep, it’s a greeting) to you all! Let’s get down to nothing, shall we?

I wrote three or four new jokes I’m so excited to tell it’s like a kid bottled a fart and would share it with anyone just to see how they react. We’ll see how they do later at Recessions.

LOST was so incredible last night I think I’ll watch that episode again when I get home. Who would’ve thought the island would be the cork keeping us from the Devil?! I love it!

Chris Evans is Captain America, most of us know him as the Human Torch from Fantastic Four. Why we know that I have no idea, no one really saw or like those movies but Jessica Alba tricked us into watching half of it… okay, the whole thing.

I would never be arrogant enough to assume that a person reading this, read my tweets so I’ll break down something I saw yesterday. I was in the bathroom and someone was dropping the deucer, I then saw their feet move like they got up and were turned around pissing. It was odd that they did that in that order but then I saw slight movement. After they had been standing there for the better part of a minute or so (now I was washing my hands but I was curious) I wandered if they were spanking the shank. I settled on the thought that they were milking the snake and judged them appropriately. Then as I’m getting ready to leave their identification badge flipped over and I saw the face of “the jacker.” Not only did I recognize him but now I’ll never be able to speak to him again. I do care to find out what really happened because I have my story. Besides, whatever story would explain what really happened cannot be something I want to hear: “Nah, I found a wart on my shaft and was trying to pinch it off…” Or something like that.

Cheesecakes are made with a lot of cream cheese. Which is probably why I don’t go out of my way to eat them. I hate cream cheese.

Nelson came home with a bag o’ goodies yesterday, praise be to the wolf. Of course, that cause me to eat a whole trough of macaroni and cheese which might explain why I feel a slight ache in my left arm… uh oh.

If you haven’t watched Black Dynamite by now I have no idea what you do for fun. Punt puppies?

Sometimes when I think of Big Pun writing the song "I’m not a playa I just crush a lot", it makes me laugh out loud. Good lord was he fat.

Great now I have Rockin’ Robin stuck in my head. Think of something Weezy…

I hate that the urge to pick up This Is It is slowly rising. I’m not that big a fan of MJ anymore but when I was a kid I was just like everyone else on the planet and loved the man. Sigh, I know what I have to do… homemade lobotomy, it’s the only way.

Alright, I’m getting ready to “work” plus somebody just started a Soul Train line because our boss is in a meeting all day. Bet they haven’t seen the Wop in awhile…

Peaces

Monday, how did you get this phone number?

Well, this weekend was interesting, but rather than get too deep into that I would prefer a blog of nonsense. I will try to mention some of the weekend’s best and most awkward moments just to keep the blog moving. Let it begin…

We now have health reform, yay, I still don’t know how this will help me or what it really entails. Every time that I attempt to educate myself I get so bored I smell the color brown. Or I’m pooing on myself from boredom… nah, I’m smelling the color brown.

My love affair with Chipotle is getting out of control. I crawled into bed with half a burrito yesterday and had a dream so crazy I dare not speak it allowed. When I woke up the bed and burrito were in ruin, thank good I took time to put a condom on though; I use the spicy red salsa.

Yesterday my friend Josh had a get together with some friends and family that was a “board game night.” I kind of thought he was joking, we’re not that old, but after being productive all morning why not waste the afternoon and eat free food? His sister introduced me to her new boyfriend, who seemed like a nice guy. 10 minutes into conversation I couldn’t help but notice the giant Confederate Flag on his forearm though. I was done conversation after that.

Last Thursday a little girl ran up on me with two of her friends while I was walking my dog. She asked if she could pet him, I grumbled “S-s-s-sure.” Then she asked if she could hold his leash, yet again “S-s-s-s-sure.” I asked her to please not let it go, because I didn’t want to run around trying to catch him. Then after they walked around me a couple of times, they took off. I looked around the corner I saw her run toward and saw no sign of either. I was pretty pissed, I stood there talking to my friend Jesse and cursing the fact that I didn’t pretend I couldn’t hear her when I had my headphones in. After a couple more minutes she returned with my dog, and had the balls to ask me if she could run around a little more with him. She got a stern “no.” Sometimes I really hate that just anyone can have kids.

Dear John Legend,

How long must we wait for you next album. People have died since your last one, does it seem fair to someone eagerly awaiting your next release that dies tomorrow? The movie 2012 and a slew of other apocalyptic movies have come out since you stopped giving us a reason to dance and make love. I’m listening to Trey Songz now, it’s an incredible album, but it’s only because you’re taking all this time to create. I know it’s all part of your genius but baby needs peas. Baby needs peas…

Life on the Discovery Channel in HD was too awesome for words last night. So, in memory of the Simpsons we’ll give it this word: KWYJIBO.

Well, Aside from moving it looks like there is one more show in March that I’m looking forward to, we’ll get to that later though it’s not quite here yet. Jaaam!

Tim (Miller) and I have been playing quite the game of tag with a tape from the Baltimore Comedy Factory when we were there last month. So far I brought the camcorder, he forgot the equipment to download it. Then he showed up with the laptop and I forgot the camera. Friday at Sabores we had our act together but I forgot that I needed to have a billion wires, an A/C adapter and tears from a sparrow to download that information. Then at the Arlington Grill on Saturday I forgot, I realize now that I’m writing this down, this is mostly my fault but the game continues. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not I receive a dead moose head in my bed due to my forgetful ways.

I have to get to Chipotle’s, yep, but I plan on doing more than one blog a week again. See you guys out and about this week, because getting out again makes me happy.

Peaces