Well that is wallet, but that Crystal Meth was definitely a donation...

Well, can you believe the weekend is over just like that? I wonder if that’s what watching a child grow up is like. One day I can’t wait to look at my son (God, please don’t ruin the baby and my life by giving me a girl) and say “Wow, cursing already. Just yesterday I was tucking his middle finger back in when we went to Chuck E. Cheese’s.” They grow so fast…

I bought a new camera with the sole purpose of taking pictures with elderly folks. Time to decorate my cubicle with pictures that really capture what I like to do in my free time… pal around with “oldies.” Whenever I get a good one, I’ll include it in the blogs.

On Saturday I realized that for the first time in my life, I had encountered a crazy woman. For a long time I’ve been of the belief that if a crazy woman wants you, you might as well let her have you. No point in running from someone that wants to give you some lovin’ right? So wrong, because now I see that no physical pleasure is worth putting up with someone that you think may stab you if the opportunity presents itself. I realize that she could reading but even she has to know that she’s bat$#!T crazy. Yet again, all I can think is “Wow, someday this going to be someone’s mother.” I wonder what my mom was like in her 20’s.

Will Ferrell’s George W. Bush “thing” on HBO was pretty hilarious. I caught it last night right before bed and if the ex-president had been half that charismatic he could have won over at least 35% of the country. Instead…

Saturday night was St. Patrick’s Day. Being black, I did not realize it until Kojo brought it up. All we could hope was that punching people who didn’t wear green had gone out of style after age 11.

Something seems weird about knowing you’re going to eat at a grungy restaurant for lunch ahead of time. I’m really not looking forward to the KFC that is in order. I keep picturing roaches preparing my popcorn chicken… without hair nets.

Nelson and I took part in a “shady” dealing yesterday. The whole story is pretty long and boring so I’ll just give highlights:
-We pull up to a strange neighborhood and Nelson isn’t sure where his friend lives
- The friend leaves us waiting for about 15 minutes, long enough to listen to about 5 songs by Twista
- He comes down with J in hand, in the open parking lot, in broad daylight
- Reaches in to pass said J to Nelson
- Suddenly he realized that the legs in the passenger side are me, he does not know me
- We begin speaking about the military
- A car pulls up behind and blocks us in
- The friend goes to the car and gets in, it speeds off down the street
- Nelson and I weren’t sure who that car was, but did not stop the rotation, it was good $#!T
- They come back and I proceeded to give the weakest dap of all time, limp like a strudel

Resident Evil 5 is INSANE! Anyone that has it knows, if you don’t go to IGN.com and look it up. Best $70.00 you could spend, unless Beyonce became a very cheap hooker.

I’ve lost my du-rag, not really all that important but I had just broken that one in. If you see it on someone else’s head, snatch that b*tch off and mail it to me. It’s black…

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I love you Kevin James but you stole $21.50 from me (damn, it’s expensive to go to the movies now). You’re lucky my date was so fine, otherwise I’d be pissed.

Since I’m going to lunch soon I’ll try to wrap this shebangybang up with a final thought.

Ron Silver, Actor and Political Activist, age 62 is dead. Sigh, "why do you take the good ones and let Nick Cannon go free Lord? Why?"

"Because she is the only prostitute I can afford..."

Hard to believe it was a year ago that I saw Hampton destroy at the DC Improv showcase and win. Seems like yesterday, my how time flies.

As I get ready to make my way down to the Arlington Drafthouse tonight I’m a lot calmer than normal. The past two times that I went to the Improv for the competition I believe I kind psyched myself up too much, WAY too much the first time. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready the first time, I knew that going into the last time. Last time I was in with Jason Weems and Nick Mullen. Weems killed it just like everyone expected him too, and Mullen killed too without making his jokes any more politically correct or less offensive than any other time he’s onstage. I watched the tape that Deeley (Don’t F with Joe) taped and cringed at my set last February. With eight minutes on tape I started with laughs and then came two jokes that I no longer do after watching that tape. Lord knows how long I was telling the Magician and “Jesus wasn’t white” joke, but God… sometimes they got laughs though but definitely not that night. It broke my heart spirit when I didn’t even place. When they called Big Mike’s name I almost lost it, I told myself that even though Weems would win I was certain to at least place. Nope, and I was angry and bitter for a while. That’s about the time that I really started talking to the Fowlest. Because, unless I’m the only one, sometimes we need to speak freely about what we feel is going on and people have a tendency to judge you. God, I hope I’m not the only person in this wonderful loving community that has ever had something that might be considered “hating” to say. Like I said, I was bitter and had my ego crippled. Now over a year has gone by and I think I’m in a different place now. For starters, Jay made it so that it’s no longer a competition and now (with Allyson watching) all you have to do is be funny and not funny than. That’s all I ever really wanted, hopefully I’ll be funny. The Richmond Funnybone definitely gave me a boost in confidence since they showed me a lot of love, last Halloween was my first show there and I never would’ve guessed that I’d be making so many trips down after the disaster that show was. The Spy Lounge started last November and though it’s all Eli’s baby now it was really cool seeing a lot of familiar faces whenever I made it up there. I actually like telling a some of my jokes. Not to say there haven’t been moments where I’ve taken a step back “I don’t think you’re ready to host at the Improv”- Tim (at the time) Miller. Even though I might didn’t agree with that when he told me, it runs through my mind all the time. That was probably almost a year ago but it still runs through my mind. But no one says that kind of thing to people’s faces they usually let the wander. Which is why I respected that he told me that, I didn’t think he was trying to hurt my feelings it was just the two of us having a phone conversation. And since he’s working at the Improv and I’m not, I’ll take all the criticism I can get, but be careful anony’s… I’m sensitive. I hope tomorrow night is a blast, I’m sure it will be. The only part that I’ll miss about the old competition is that hallway that the main showroom has. Something about standing back by that curtain makes me feel like a kid again. Maybe if I get a few chuckles I can see that hallway again…

Not too long ago my sister ate some of my Macaroni and Cheese that my Granny made for me. I don’t play around when it comes to my Granny’s cooking and I was really shocked that when it was offered before I took it all, she had some. So here’s the plan: On a random day that I know my mother and sister are eating dinner I show up and ring the door. My mother will make my sister answer the door because “she said so”, as soon as she opens the door I b*tch slap her to the ground. I walk over her limp 12-year-old body towards the dining room. While my mother freaks out and doesn’t know what’s going on I grab the entire plate of food that my sister hadn’t gotten a chance to enjoy. I take the food back to my car. When stepping back over the kid’s body I turn and say “You never should have touched my Mac & Chee!” then I get in the car and drive home. The end.

The key to a man’s heart is buried deep within the genitals. It can only be reached with saliva… BeeeeJaaaayeeee! (To be pronounced Be-Jay-E)

You can’t hit a woman cause it’s illegal, but I’m pretty sure you can urinate towards her feet to shut her up. Unless you’re in public, which I’m pretty sure is illegal.

Nelson went to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning cause whatever he’s got came back way worse last night. He’s confident that it’s fleas cause someone told him they had fleas, which I think is moronic. If he had fleas shouldn’t I or better yet my dog? After waiting for 4 hours in the ER, they sent him home without a diagnosis but did tell him to “clean your room and wash everything in hot water. Your co-pay will be $100…” when you’re a doctor life must be sweet.

Apparently Jeff Bridges is reprising his role from Tron for the sequel. I wish I had seen Tron back in the day so I was excited. Though whenever “The Dude” shows us a new masterpiece far be it from this dude not to oblige.

After hearing Bow Wow and Soulja Boy Tell’em’s song Marco Polo I went out and slapped a tree with frozen meat. I needed to tenderize the meat and the tree seemed like a good idea but that song was TERRIBLE.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Should you find her the bounty is as follows: $10,000 dead and $500,000 if the corpse is still warm enough for… me. No questions.

Lately my eyes have been diverted to boob meat a lot more than normal. Normal is a lot so I don’t even know what to call the last few days. I’ve almost gotten into car accidents from looking at them lately. Not that funny but eerily true.

Common mistakes:
A lot
Ar
Christopher Columbus discovered America
Steve Martin still makes funny movies, by my count Father of the Bride II was the last
Watermelon are loved by black people
Guys want to be friends
Other people’s cultures are cool
Smoking cause lung cancer which ultimately kills people, really it’s AIDS that come from all that cool sex smoking brings. Cause smoking is cool
A woman’s face doesn’t matter is her body is “aight”. Ugly people are gross.
Sex is better than taking a $#!T. Last I checked, $#!T was expecting anything from you just effort
Bologna is meat… just plain gross is what it is
A prisoner would have to kill you before he takes your manginity. In truth he just knocks you out and you wake up in pain. Plus semen is falling out of you… or so my friend Wilhite the prison guard has told me

MMMMkay, I’m gonna go cause if I don’t get up and walk around I’m gonna fall asleep. Again…

Laters

Off the f*cking Wall

Last night was a blast at UMD’s Off the Wall! Justin, I felt bad about missing SOME of your set (I was able to catch a good chunk and thought his writing had come along nicely). The place was packed, Justin made an accurate observation in his blog (do I need to put a link, don’t most of you read his stuff anyway? Fine) http://www.justincousson.blogspot.com/ … there! He stated that room seated 40 people comfortably and there were 110 people crammed in there. The crazy part was people kept coming even when they saw that we were literally a tickle away from the BIGGEST ORGY YOU’VE EVER SEEN. I was pleased that a 28-year-old junior was performing it really made me feel like I wasn’t the oldest person in the room, cause I’m 25. Most of the comics seemed to garner a pretty great response (Justin, cover your face and look down about 2 lines), but one made me laugh without really making me smile, if that makes sense. I don’t remember the kid’s name, but he got up and read A NEVER ENDING STORY. At first I was childishly (yeah, I did just create that word) amused, and then I looked around after about 6 minutes and noticed that the room was kickstanding their faces. He had 10 minutes and used that story like a sponge, to soak up every second. The part that really made me laugh on the inside was when he turned to (about) page 4 or 5 and I looked over at the one black girl. She gave a sigh like someone just twisted a knife. Atif had some new (or just new to me) jokes that I liked, I feel terrible every time I’m around him cause I didn’t care much for him in our first encounter. We spoke about that long ago, I apologized cause I felt like my attitude showed, he forgave… homies. Without really speaking on my own performance too much, the kids were extremely kind to my jokes. I had more fun talking to them than I can recall in some time. Definitely an enjoyable ride home. I just wish I’d done one of their shows sooner. The way things are going, Justin might need to move to an auditorium or something, the demand is there…

How dare I not mention that some sexy comics will be at the DC Improv for the FIRST “Homegrown Comedy” showcase on October 10th. I love this list, I started with Will and Tyler S., and can’t wait to put on a great show with everyone involved. Grab a seat, if you dare…

Hosted by: Hampton Yount
Eli Sairs, Will Hessler, Tyler Richardson, Jake Young, Nora Nolan, Adrian Rodney, and Tyler Sonnichsen.

Quote of the Week: “I still want them, I just don’t wanna pay. Why do you think I didn’t put them down on the move-belt thing? You gotta give them to me for free now, because I had to call you over.” – Customer at Bottom Dollar

The problem with eating a lot of Lasagna and my sweet Grandmama’s spicy (as f*ck) chili late when returning home from UMD are… riding in traffic on Friday morning with both feet crossed praying you don’t have to turn the car around.

Friday has officially become my day for Chipotle. Chipotle, listen closely “Though I love you, I cannot just hand over my paychecks. That’s not the agreement we had when we spoke about commitment. I can’t quit you, but I will cut you out of my life… a little bit. Don’t think for a second that if you see me unexpectedly on a Monday or Wednesday that I’ve come back for good. I’m weak, I’m just a man. Dammit babe, let’s not fight anymore! I do love you and I hate when you look at me like that. Let’s go back to my place.” Never mind what I said earlier about Fridays. We talked about it and I was jumping to conclusions. And I have an announcement… I’m engaged.

Random Grandpa memory: “When you were about 2 or 3, we were in Amsterdam walking through the Red Light District. We passed a woman in the window and you pointed at her, you said “Grandpa, I want that”. A man near us laughed and said “Well, he’s on the right track”. I said I know.” – Grandpa, he loved to tell me that story

I met someone about a year ago that I speak to on and off. It is incredible how a like we are. One door closes, another opens…

Here’s a sad racist moment that Nelson, Kevin and I shared the other day. While sitting and playing Soul Calibur IV, Kevin was sharing a story about a “FUNK” that worked it’s way through his floor earlier that day. He described the scent as “An Indian man that had not bathed in almost a month…” Nelson and I said, in unison, “Yeah” to agree we knew what kind of smell he was talking about. I immediately stepped outside myself and thought, “Damn, that was racist.” To be young…

Did anyone purchase T.I.’s album Paper Trail ? I keep forgetting to download it for free. Sorry T.I.

Okay, I’ve given about 1:30 of reading. Don’t worry, I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me and that should lead into quite the post for Monday. Don’t quote me, cause I f*cked up last weekend and drove to “the Lizard” for no reason, but I believe Saturday is another show. You should definitely call Tyler S. first though. If you don’t have his number, you clearly aren’t a comic. Just kidding… but not really though.

Laters

That's a good weekend...

I had a blast, got to jump on a stage here and there, lined up some stuff in the future, got new headshots, locked my keys in my car in Richmond, had a decent crowd at Spy Lounge and a lot of stuff I can't type while at work. Bless you President's Day, Bless you. I'm really excited about a new bit, but I have no idea how I'm gonna say the word "nuts" 30 times without eventually laughing. It got to me last night and I hope I can control that soon, I think it's gonna be a keeper once I got that part down.

DC Improv showcase tonight!!!!! Keith, Doo- Doo(Marcus is so much better than that name), Eli, and more!!!!!!!! Ever notice how we throw in "and more" when we can't remember, oh well.

For my Richmond luvahs, I will see you on March 11th, I'll be hosting the Clash of the Comics at the Funnybone. TRich-licious, oh... I like that one.

Michael Woodward was a great guy, he tried his best to make me feel welcome and relaxed. However, as I am fidgitty and pretty neurotic, it was hard to relax with someone taking pictures. And, it became a game of "Let's use that, oh and grab that". I made the "mistake" of not bringing a lot of props and stuff, which is fine but eventually I was like "I'm out of poses that I can strike and still claim to be straight". But, I was very happy with everything and love the fact that I have professional head shots now. I'm off to Hollywood to make snuff films Ma!

I actually had someone ask me if that Rick Moranis blog from last week was true.... of course it is.

I wish I could remember the comic's name from last night that had on a 7-year-old's hoodie. You know who you are, you better have burned that thing. Much laughing was had at the expense of that hoodie... good times, good times.

It's always a bad sign when you wake up to go to work and you feel like you're watching a movie through your minds eye. This morning I got asked by a casting director if I can look sickly.... I had all these "Yep, right now" lines, but instead went with a classic... "Yes". I stood up when I finally awoke, and it felt like a scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Needless to say, the weekend had it's way with me, and we're getting married. I'm in love, I'm off the market and.... it's just like everyone's told me "It'll just happen when you're not looking for it to happen". And she was right in front of me the whole time, I love you Weekend. She's never there when I call, but she's always on time.

Laters.... from Tyler and Weekend Richardson!!!

All Fro'd the F*ck out!

Well, here we are.... it's so close to the new year I can hardly stand it. I felt like going into 2007, it was gonna be a great year. I think I was right, I accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to and set new goals while doing so. I'm sure that we all did, and hopefully you've done most( preferably all) of the things that you set out to do this year. In comedy or in life. Let's roll through some things that were interesting to me in this thing we call 2007:

1. Lost at the DC Improv to Jason Weems(I don't feel too bad about that, but I didn't place... that sucked)



2. Got a career, left being a car salesman behind me



3. Moved out from the neighborhood across the street from my ex



4. Discovered Guitar Hero 2 then 3 then ROCK BAND!



5. Met John X



6. Bought my own iPod( up til' this summer, I was using Nelson's)



7. Slept outside in Times Square with the Fowlest and Keith



8. Saw Hampton win at the Improv



9. Jake Young and Jermaine won too!



10. Saw Rob's "Pimp" pad, nicely done Mr. Maher



11. Had the biggest slice of pizza I'd never dreamed of



12. Got a both feet in the door at the Richmond Funnybone (finally)



13. Bought and guzzled Absinthe.... all hail the green fairy



14. Fell in love with Heath Ledger's version of the Joker



15. Fell in love with Tyler Richardson



16. Started an open mic (I'm so lazy that's something I never saw happening)



17. Got a great tape on stage (still waiting to see it, but the show was bananas so... fingers crossed)



18. Put on Tyler vs. Tyler... finally



19. Went on XM Radio



20. Went to a wedding for the first time and was a groomsman for one of my closest friends



21. Spent a weekend gambling for the bachelor party



22. Hustled the hell out of colleges and got some work for it



23. Saw Rory on Live at Gotham with Herbie



24. Made a few enemies here and there



25. No one that I knew died



26. Met Charlie Rutherford, the strangest man on the planet



27. Picked up a couple of friendships that I thought were done, but were most important

I bring these up to make you reflect on what you accomplished in 2007. I bet there are some things that happened that you you'd be very proud of that might slip your mind. Take a second and reflect, you might not have believed some of the things you did would be possible. So...

WHAT THE F@CK IS GONNA HAPPEN IN 2008?!