Someone didn't flush! And it got away!

Since I'm moving shortly (not away, not yet) here are my favorite apartment memories:

• Watching Nelson and Kevin randomly break into sword fights in the hallway. Real swords, real men… it’s always fun and games until someone loses a testicle.
• Discovering a door that leads to nowhere in my room after having lived there for over a year.
• While cleaning one day there were poo particles all over this rug that was under Max’s cage. I went on the balcony and and shook the rug one good time while talking to Nelson. As soon as the particles hit the wind we heard a man scream like he’d been stabbed. I quickly shut the door and we laughed for the better part of 15 minutes.
• My Mom came to visit one day while Kevin and I were in the middle of Rock Band. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re black or because she had no idea I was that skilled in something so nerdy, but her face was the look of “I have no son.”
• Trying to clean “my smoking pipe” I had the brilliant idea of microwaving it to warm things up. I did not consider that “black gold” would come spurting out instantly and the microwave would instantly smoke like an old freight train. Within 15 minutes I was running up and down the hallway trying not to let the fog of “smoke” settle since Kevin’s girlfriend was in his room and I didn’t want to alarm her. In the end, I had to boil that pipe and was an idiot for thinking that would work.
• Seeing Nelson answer the door for the first time with the full replica of the Final Fantasy VII sword. I think it is spelled Zwyhander, but I don’t care enough to Google that.
• When I accidentally put a Coke can in the freezer and left for comedy it exploded and covered everything in sticky goodness. I do not believe I was the one who cleaned it.
• I began putting pieces of nasty that were in the sink (because guys can be gross and let a week go by without doing dishes if there are still ones in the cupboards) in a Vitamin Water bottle. I call it my bottle of nasty and it’s been stewing for almost three years. I don’t own a gun but if you break in and give me time to formulate a plan I might blind you with my skunk bottle. Or at least severely irritate your facial skin.
• Finally trying Absinthe was a fun night. Maybe it was a couple of nights, who knows, that is a different kind of buzz than I’m used to.
• Chipotle’s, my love for it has slowly grown over the past couple of years. I think I’m ready for the next step, but she told me it has to be colorless grade-A princess cut. She’s worth every penny.
• I’m always tickled by the deer my grandfather gave me. Whether in a Santa hat adorned with Christmas tree lights, a big Russian hat or an American Flag bandanna with sunglasses; he’s awesome.
• I loved that we really haven’t had neighbors since we moved in. Every scream, video game taunt or horribly gay statement was unrecorded which really let us explore our imagination.
• In relation to that last one here are the top three quotes to come out of the apartment: 3rd place: Stop ruining my birthday, 2nd place: Boo Butta and in 1st place….. Quigibo.
  
  Well, I must get back to saving… I don’t save anything where I work. I’m gonna finish this Crunch bar though. I will do that. See you comics either tonight or tomorrow (or both, snap!)
  
  Peaces

Hamburger never helped me like this, it's a new car!

Well, let’s start this Boosday (get it, because Tuesdays suck) off with an image that Sean Paul gave me that tickled me all yesterday. Imagine you’re stuck in traffic on I-395 and right when you’re ready to scream from how bananiac our traffic can get you catch a glimpse of beast coming up on the shoulder. It’s a polar bear, just like the kind featured in The Golden Compass, meaning he is decked out in body armor. As he gallops toward your vehicle you notice that somebody is riding this polar bear… Sean Paul Ellis. He’s on the bear’s back and pointing a sword with tears in his eyes. “Where the hell is that maniac going? Why is he riding a bear? And WHY is he traveling faster than me on back of a bear?!” Ah, if I was an artist I would draw that, because that’s good stuff. Moving on to our regularly scheduled fun…

On Saturday a bunch of comedians witnessed some hot white girl knee her boyfriend in the balls outside the Drafthouse. Then he laughingly called him a p***y and told him she would kiss it and make it all better. There is no way he would’ve walked away that easy if he were the one kneeing her ovaries into her jacket pockets. Double standards, gotta love’em.

The Girl Scouts better get out on the streets and start moving that product. If I have to ask one more person about Tagalongs I’m gonna slap somebody. “But Mister, I’m not a girl scout.” (throws the money at the little girl) I don’t care, gimme those cookies, I’m tired of playing with you people. There’s nothing funny about treating a Girl Scout like a prostitute. But if she can’t move all that product I will snitch to her pimp and watch them smack her around. Girl Scout moms don’t play, it’s for a good cause.

After 2 PM I’ll be alone working in my section. I have to say I’m pretty pissed that everyone else found some reason to leave early and I’m the only one going for perfect attendance. Uh oh, I’m almost out of Haterade. That was so corny I hope someone cracked a smile.

Yesterday my supervisor gave me a piece of bread from another country. When she brought it to me I imagine the look on my face was like a child’s when you try to make them eat vegetables. “No, it’s yucky.”

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I received a slightly dirty e-mail yesterday and it just reminds me how great it is that I don’t have to do $#!T for this phoney holiday. Viva la single life!

24 was purely Mantastic last night! May Jack Bauer drink the blood of his enemies and smoke the terrorism right off their meat for a BBQ. I don’t know what we will do on Mondays when Keifer calls it quits. Do we catch up on our Monday Night Raw?

My favorite part about wearing earbuds all the time is that you can tell I’m not open for conversation. While this does cause you not to hear big breasted women say “hello” in the morning, it also lets me listen to my Weezy in peace. It’s all about snackrifice.

If I were white I’d want my name to be Santa, because he’s my favorite white man. Asian, I’d go with Ling, because that tickles me. And if I were middle eastern I would go with Jesus, because he’s my favorite one.

I hate cheery people in the morning.

When is the last time you ate a marshmallow?

What happened to Big Johnson shirts? Is there some guy who’s whole shirt wardrobe went out of style in an instant back in 99’? I guess the same thing probably happened to the dude that always had the newest Fubu jersey when it came out.

Today I shaved. That is all, I’m just proud I’m a man.

I’m learning that he who finishes his work first is not rewarded. He just gets given more of his team’s work and gets a mention in a meeting. I’m working at a lot more of a medium pace now. Hooray.

That Bruce Willis/ Tracy Morgan movie Cop Out looks terrible. That’s probably because it’s a Kevin Smith movie. It hurts me not to see a Bruce Willis movie, but I’m sure the bored Sunday will come when it comes on HBO.

Got to get back to my medium pace now, I’ll be seeing you.

Peaces

I have returned!

A lot of comedy coming up for the next several months but let's start by plugging what's up first:

November 13th at the State Theater: Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! Tickets are $11, doors open at 8 and the show begins at 9. Must be 18 to enter. Show love folks.

Upon sitting here for a minute, I spotted what appeared to be some skin of mine on an affidavit. I went to flick it away and it didn’t move. Two things immediately ran through my mind. The first is someone was eating an Iced Fudge Glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut at my desk in the middle of the night and let a piece hit my paper. The other option was that a mystery booger stumbled onto my desk and I just touched it with my bare skin. That’s how my Wednesday started.

Did you recognize the quintessential villain from every 80's movie worth remembering in the picture above? Did you know he was gay? Look him up in IMDB, he's there with his lover. Just something I found interesting.

I tweeted about a man who received a 31 year sentence after smearing and hurling his own feces in a courtroom yesterday. Slowly another story, not involving feces, makes me laugh more and more. Here it is (given to us to laugh about by http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=920): Man Punches “Zombie” In Iowa Restaurant - You know you’ve watched too many zombie movies when you perceive someone you see on the street as a zombie. Such might well be the case of this incidence.

It seems that in the early morning hours on Sunday, October 25, 2009, a man was ordering food at an Iowa City restaurant when another man accused him of being a ‘zombie’ and punched him in the face. The restaurant is just south of the University of Iowa campus, so it’s possible that the assailant was playing too many ‘zombie’ games on his Playstation.
Whatever the case, the one guy was just minding his own business and ordering food at a Panchero’s restaurant at 1:17 a.m. when the perpetrator socked him in the nose. The victim pulled out his cell phone and tried to call the police. At that point, the man punched him in the nose again, breaking his nose.

The assailant fled out of a back door of the restaurant while the victim was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Neither of the men’s names have been released. There is no further information as to whether or not the attacker has been captured or the condition of the man with the broken nose.

Iowa City Area CrimeStopper is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. If you have any information on the man who punched the ‘zombie’ at the Iowa restaurant, you can call CrimeStoppers at 358-TIPS (8477).

The assailant is described as a dark-complected white male, short brown hair, between 6′ to 6′2″, weighting between 200 and 230 pounds. He is about 20 years of age. At the time of the assault, he was wearing a blue jeans and a brown coat.

And we’re back… hope everyone could giggle at a mean scenario that did not involve them like I did. Good times.

I always dreamed that by this age I would have found a pool of oil in my back yard and retired to search for the last Dodo bird. Oh it’s out there… I’ll find it one day.

Time to schedule a dentist appointment. The chipped tooth is really getting on my nerves. I’m like a fat person that refuses to work out, don’t pity me.

For the first time in my life I watched about 15 minutes of an episode of Friends last night. I was entertained, so I guess I’m a gay guy now… or white. Sigh, I have to call my mother. Oh God, she’s gonna be heartbroken either way.

I have high hopes for the next several months as far as comedy is concerned. An opportunity to make a tape I’ve been trying to get to someone forever and a day now; travel, and even seeing the Fowlest a few times. Starting with Sunday…

Nelson’s quote of the day: “If that’s rape… well I guess I’m guilty.”

Must get back to the gym, my heartbeat is showing.

Can it be that AT&T’s service is getting worse than I already despised it for being? I have to get up and walk to the bathroom sometimes to get service enough for a text message. Picture message? Well that involves me walking all the way outside, I really have to care to send a pic during the work day.

Apparently when you’re trying to figure out who is spoken about, asking “Who, the midget?” is rude. Go figure.

I declined the opportunity to give $1 to end world hunger at KFC on Saturday and still feel really good about it. (You’re a jerk) I know (You’re a jerk) I know, hey you ain’t never lie but eh, do me a favor call me jerk one more time… I love that song.

Lil Wayne is going to jail. How am I, excuse me… are we, supposed to survive an entire year without a hit single every week or two with him on it. I hope he’s working double time to make sure it’s like he never left. Tupac style.

Well, I’m off for training in dragon killing. Oh I’m excited!

Peaces

The Dark Horse Returns

Okay, so start with a game. It’s called “What did you want most when you were…”
1- Memory is pretty non existent, but I’m tempted to say teeth
2- Still fuzzy, let’s say… an elephant
3- Not to have slipped and busted my forehead open leaving a permanent scar
4- To stay in Germany
5- To make out with my babysitter’s daughter, who is probably a fat chick now
6- To make out with my Pre-school teacher… who is probably a fat woman now
7- To be a safety patrol kid, seems lame now, but I think I cried when I got told no
8- To sing Digital Underground songs all day long and not have to go to school
9- To have a bedtime past 9 O’ Clock, God being young was lame
10- To be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, yeah, the white ranger
11- To stay in Utah… there was actually some pretty fine 11 year old tail out there
12- To not have a sibling, but it was too late. My Mom was already pregnant
13- To be taller than 4’10
14- Not to be a virgin
15- To win my class election, since I lost the year before… I won
16- Not to be a virgin!!!!
17- Facial hair, cause maybe then I wouldn’t have been a virgin
18- To attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, where I was accepted.
19- Not to be deployed while I was in the Army Reserves
20- To have a girlfriend that wasn’t a pathological liar, sadly I was with her until 23
21- Wings, I was already able to drink, what else could you ask for?
22- To stop selling cars… that will really make you hate life
23- To start enjoying the single life after that girlfriend left me
24- To work at the DC Improv
25- To finish the college I have left
Since that last one is pretty current, I’m sure I’ll be plenty scarce for awhile but popping up here and there. Gotta make sure that when I’m 30 I don’t have any regrets. I don’t live for “what ifs” but unlike the Fowlest, the thought of not making it kind of scares me. Can’t say I’m quitting cause then when I showed up somewhere that would make me a big fat liar.

Today I went downstairs and bought Orange soda. I tucked it underneath my arm and carried it away under the shroud of darkness cause I hate to be the black man that stamps a stereotype.

For those of you that have Showtime channels, I recommend When Stand Up Stood Out. It was a pretty great documentary on the Boston Stand Up comedy scene back in the early 80’s when it really boomed. Not better than Comedian though, but what is?

I’m beginning to believe I have a serious commitment problem. I want what I can’t get and when I get something (or someone), I immediately find a reason to run. But I could never do that with you… Chipotle soft tacos with Barbacoa meat, red chili, corn, lettuce, cheese and a little tomato. Did I mention you have to sprinkle that B*TCH with some Tabasci Sauce?

I don’t get why people say Eurotrip wasn’t funny. I have it on my iPod so I watch it pretty frequently at work, it’s pretty awesome.

This Orange soda is fantastic, sigh, I’ll be right back. I have to go grab some watermelon and a white woman.

….

I’m back. Carlos Mencia is coming to perform at Constitution Hall. How funny would it be if there were protesters?

The stuff I’ve been coughing up the past couple of days reminds me of animal semen. Maybe a dog’s… now it all makes sense! My dog Max is sleep raping my face! He doesn’t know any better…

“What’s the easiest way to let down a woman with kids that you’re not attracted to?” Simple: Talk loudly about how you hate children and you’d never date a woman with children while talking to someone else. Trust me, it helps keep some of the hyenas around me at bay. Thank God for the dogcatchers that don’t mind, huh?

Ever listened to a family member complain about needing money while Share certificate slips lie on their table in front of you? Grandma just likes to talk. For those that do not know what Certificates, IRAs, Money Market Accounts and of things of this nature are… learn to invest pal. It’s cold out there, save up.

Every time I hear Crazy on You I can’t help but go back to Harold and Kumar’s wonderful montage. Some things are just too money for words.

Sad but true, even if Barack Obama didn’t already have my vote, he would get it by making a commercial where he dunked on Michael Jordan. I’m easy to please.

Heroes rocked on Monday! It’s sad to see that the Internet has truly become nothing but a place for geeks to come and whine about any and everything. No matter what a show does, it’s never good enough for the fan boys and I’m shocked they haven’t turned on The Office yet. Maybe they have and I’m not in the right forums… IGN.com anyone?

Don’t feed Gizmo after Midnight. How hard is that to remember?

Yesterday, either due to lack of earring or just trying to piss me off Nelson made me repeat myself at work 3 times. I hate, truly hate, to repeat myself. So all people could hear my scream on the fifth floor was “Steak Sauce, do we have any STEAK SAUCE?!” Good times. The bad news was we did not, but the Pork Chops were delicious anyway.

I’ve been working about for all of a week, and catch myself in the mirror more than ever. To other people I’m sure I still look the same, but you can’t help but look for results right away. I need to be beautiful, like yesterday!

I bought into the Lil Wayne craze like everyone else, but we must draw the line. That song with The Game sucks. Since when are paying to hear him sing?!

Kanye West’s new song he performed at the VMA’s sucked too. Okay, I’m done attempting to play music critic.

Yesterday my Grandmother attempted to pass me off to my Mom on the phone, which I hate. My Mom passed on the offer, should that concern me? I hope she just knows how much I hate that… Does my mother hate me? (that is rhetorical by the way, no comments necessary on that one)

To people like Will Hessler, Tyler S., Jay Hastings and… well I don’t think too many people are still around that started 3 years ago. My point being look how the scene has changed. It’s crazy…

I had forgotten about Curt Shackelford (hope I spelled that right, I’m not going to Google it to double check) until yesterday. I randomly saw that he’s still running open mics and took a sneak peek at what he’s been up to. There is some hot blond girl in his pics tab. I know you might have expected me to say something comedy related but that’s what stood out to me the most. I almost with that he hadn’t taken me off his e-mail list (for reasons unknown) so that I’d ran into her. If someone has actually seen this girl perform, was she funny?

I love my family, my circle of friends and all the friends through comedy I’ve been able to make over the past few years. I think I’ll go write some jokes, work (since I’m still at work) and make a blog roll when I get home. Don’t forget The Office comes back tomorrow, set your DVRs and TiVOs to NBC hoes.

Laters

Cause I'm in love

I could hang out with old friends more

I have no idea who any one is on American Idol

We can go ahead and add Dancing with the Stars to that

I really feel like $#!t when I say goodbye to my dog after I just get home

Gas prices actually matter to me now

I change my oil every time that I turn around

I get to laugh at everyone for free when a lot of people have to pay to see you guys...

or they will

I'm single and often feel very alone

then the Fowlest calls with a new joke to listen

then he tells me to get my @ss out and on a stage

I've seen what can happen to people in very little time

Aparna

I've also seen that time can be a good thing

Seaton

Had some spats

(does the name matter?)

Later I remembered that we're all here to laugh

why should comics beef?

Had people do me great favors

Odyssey

I keep that in mind for the moment someone needs something from me

Watched people develop great jokes from thin air

Found laughs in old jokes when I was pretty sure nothing was there

I've shaken like a tree before a contest

I've lost

I've won

Met LOTS of people who are where I wanna be

Almost every one was incredibly kind to me

I think almost every one experiences "Groupie Love" in some form

I've watched Seaton get A LOT of love.... not jealous (you believe me right? nah)

Every boss or co-worker says "Don't write a joke about me"

Do we ever?

I've complained about how Curt or someone else runs their room

I try to keep that feeling in mind with Spy Lounge

Eli is the man

I'm pretty sure I remember seeing Hampton's first time at Wiseacres

feels weird looking back on that now

I remember when Kojo and Tim were like Siamese twins

they might be less cohesive now but still went the same way

There was a time that I never wanted to go to open mics without a friend

now a lot friends are already there

I worry a lot less about women

I worry more if my jokes will be funny enough to walk offstage and get one

Rascals, Baltimore Improv, Riot Act - I remember

I remember seeing Rory on TV with Herbie

Can't wait to see Erin's turn

I'm pretty sure I hit on Ayanna Dokie one night

if I can't remember well, clearly it didn't go that well

On two occasions I've slept on the streets on Times Square

both of those are probably my favorite nights in comedy... didn't even perform those nights

I've been heckled in front of my mother, I've bombed horribly

Had audiences laugh so hard they confused me (1st Amendment auditions)

I used to get lost, literally, every time I left the house for comedy

Now I park without paying everywhere I go

I get stuck sometimes thinking "What's next"

I get to got to Canada next week and all I have to think about is performing

I've spanked Schlegel in Gears of War

that was 10 minutes after he held my hand through Rainbow Six Vegas... I sucked

Been handed a check

Been handed a handshake

Some of these things are terrible

But the joy I feel from remembering the good is irreplaceable

I have a feeling that most of you know what I'm talking about

I'll see you guys around...

I was talking to the Fowlest the other day and most times I feel like we get so caught up with what's ahead that we don't look back at what we've done. No matter how new you are there is something that you look back at and say "I did that, I didn't think I'd ever have the chance to..." A lot of people have put more years into this than me, and I've got a little time on some out here, but I really get a little blown away when I think about the last couple of years. I've seen clique come, and clique move on. Doug Powell, Joe Robinson, James Jones, any other comic that we don't get to see anymore. Look back for a second and think about what you've witnessed. Next year what are we gonna be talking about? Seaton, Tim, Mike Way, Weems, I seriously doubt that they will all be around next year. New York or Cali? Who knows. Will Leslie Cooley stab someone, the twinkle is definitely in her eyes. Atif might start a popular open mic. Sampson might not be wearing muscle tees anymore. I doubt that one though, it's all love Sampson. I just want to be funny, I could live with that for 2009. I think I'm good for today, more non-sequiturs tomorrow. Just thought for once I'd give food for thought.

Laters

All Fro'd the F*ck out!

Well, here we are.... it's so close to the new year I can hardly stand it. I felt like going into 2007, it was gonna be a great year. I think I was right, I accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to and set new goals while doing so. I'm sure that we all did, and hopefully you've done most( preferably all) of the things that you set out to do this year. In comedy or in life. Let's roll through some things that were interesting to me in this thing we call 2007:

1. Lost at the DC Improv to Jason Weems(I don't feel too bad about that, but I didn't place... that sucked)



2. Got a career, left being a car salesman behind me



3. Moved out from the neighborhood across the street from my ex



4. Discovered Guitar Hero 2 then 3 then ROCK BAND!



5. Met John X



6. Bought my own iPod( up til' this summer, I was using Nelson's)



7. Slept outside in Times Square with the Fowlest and Keith



8. Saw Hampton win at the Improv



9. Jake Young and Jermaine won too!



10. Saw Rob's "Pimp" pad, nicely done Mr. Maher



11. Had the biggest slice of pizza I'd never dreamed of



12. Got a both feet in the door at the Richmond Funnybone (finally)



13. Bought and guzzled Absinthe.... all hail the green fairy



14. Fell in love with Heath Ledger's version of the Joker



15. Fell in love with Tyler Richardson



16. Started an open mic (I'm so lazy that's something I never saw happening)



17. Got a great tape on stage (still waiting to see it, but the show was bananas so... fingers crossed)



18. Put on Tyler vs. Tyler... finally



19. Went on XM Radio



20. Went to a wedding for the first time and was a groomsman for one of my closest friends



21. Spent a weekend gambling for the bachelor party



22. Hustled the hell out of colleges and got some work for it



23. Saw Rory on Live at Gotham with Herbie



24. Made a few enemies here and there



25. No one that I knew died



26. Met Charlie Rutherford, the strangest man on the planet



27. Picked up a couple of friendships that I thought were done, but were most important

I bring these up to make you reflect on what you accomplished in 2007. I bet there are some things that happened that you you'd be very proud of that might slip your mind. Take a second and reflect, you might not have believed some of the things you did would be possible. So...

WHAT THE F@CK IS GONNA HAPPEN IN 2008?!