That $#!T$ weaker than my erocktion

Last night I had a nightmare that about a woman that I have only spoken to once. This is the definition of a single, lonely man. Oh, but I did have Steak’Ums… and more Gumbo.

I wore new cologne today and I keep catching whiffs of myself. I’m beautiful…ah. Oh no, erocktion. (that last word was a mixture of two great things erection + rock)

Macaulay Culkin is the man, why? Cause he was smart enough to snatch up Mila Kunis years ago and never let go. Congrateys, now that I finally finish Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not f*cking bad) I can appreciate that she is damn near perfect.

Why do erocktions smell like almonds?

My stomach feels funny, I can’t help but replay footage from this morning where I picked up these two sausages that I questioned the moment I laid eyes on them. Mistake.

What is a grammatical error, if not the only weapon that we have against the terrible Wizard of eloquence. We have to keep him at bay.

I could swear I smell feet right now. God, I hope they aren’t mine. Then again, if they were someone else’s feet how bad would they stink to catch me over here. But all the women around me don’t have shoe-zens on. (Why the f*ck do they do that, I hate FEET) Could this be the terrible inbred offspring of all the odors not wearing a condom? Iraqi, Black- Puerto Rican, African and good ol’ fashioned Black… gross.

How funny would it be to stone a man to death? Seriously.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom, Gumbo got me, and it was packed like someone made a Glory Hole. I had to seem like a man-child cause I went to a stall and closed the door. I didn’t like how close the two guys feet were to the middle stall I was in so I spun around and dipped. I have issues, I know this but can only watch as I do the things I do.

Condoms for Halloween have been done, yes. Pennies, soda, porn and even candy. Which is why I’m considering BVD underwear. Once I hand out about 12, I’m done. I ain’t spending the kind of money it would take for two 12 packs on those bastards. I’m nobody’s daddy!

My Lil Wayne fetish has caused me to download about 50 songs this weekend that weren’t on a CD. It’s pretty gay, but the music is slamming. Sigh…

My friend Cassaundra sneezed all over a bunch of papers on her desk while talking to me. The sneeze sounded like it was chunky, and angry. She WIPED the papers off and I said jokingly “You aren’t going to hand those papers to anyone are you?” She said “Yeah, you…” then she handed me a form that was necessary for me to look at… UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Britney Spears…. Vagina…. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… Firecrackers…Pubic Hair

Had you asked me how much all of these things kicked ass at one point in my life I would have told you “Enough ass that we couldn’t carry it all back in the house”. Nowadays I’m tempted to reply back a list of better things:

Beyonce….Conversation worth having… A Slave or indentured servant… Mary Jane… Cologne


I don’t know how he did it but I actually found myself liking Kanye West’s song Love Lockdown… sigh. If anyone saw the VH1 hip hop honors it was AWESOME, finally someone paid homage to SLICK RICK tha ruler!!!! And he performed Children’s Story, does it get any better? (No, shh, no)

This morning a blind man waited on a curb tapping his cane before, I’m guessing, he tried crossing the street. This was during the busiest time of the morning and he was not at a crosswalk. I wanted to stop the car and help out, which is weird cause I’m a terrible person deep down inside, but I had to get to work. That’s all, it just gave me a second to think of how hard someone else’s life is on a day to day basis. Sometimes we take things for granted until we see someone else that has it so much harder than ours. Just look at the Do Do Bird, they’re all dead people… they’re all dead.

I hate the women who walked for Breast cancer on Friday, I sat in traffic an additional hour cause of them. Yep, I really don’t care and friend and I had a debate about Breast cancer awareness. I think we’re pretty aware, this is not 91’ and most people are aware and also aware that there is A LOT of funding for Breast cancer (notice I capitalize the “B” in breast out of respect). I honestly don’t know how many people die from it (don’t get all pissy if you’re friend’s mom died from it, I don’t even know her… sheessh) but it can’t be killing of as many women as it once did, in the 90’s. I’m not even sure they’re still chopping of women’s breasts for that anymore, except for Sheryl Crowe, I heard it looked pretty gross. Let’s get people aware of something they don’t know about like the Scabies. Keep the pink ribbons, they’re yours…

Poop. That’s funny to me.

New slogan of the day: Seagram’s Ginger Ale “Cause you accidentally kissed that hooker last night”

Huh? You didn’t like that slogan?! I put a lot of work on that. C’mon… f*ck it.

I’m gonna get some work done, enjoy yourself. Drafthouse- Thursday, Improv- Friday, Diversity- Sunday, Rule the world with the help of THE WOLF- Tuesday…

Laters

The Dark Horse Returns

Okay, so start with a game. It’s called “What did you want most when you were…”
1- Memory is pretty non existent, but I’m tempted to say teeth
2- Still fuzzy, let’s say… an elephant
3- Not to have slipped and busted my forehead open leaving a permanent scar
4- To stay in Germany
5- To make out with my babysitter’s daughter, who is probably a fat chick now
6- To make out with my Pre-school teacher… who is probably a fat woman now
7- To be a safety patrol kid, seems lame now, but I think I cried when I got told no
8- To sing Digital Underground songs all day long and not have to go to school
9- To have a bedtime past 9 O’ Clock, God being young was lame
10- To be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, yeah, the white ranger
11- To stay in Utah… there was actually some pretty fine 11 year old tail out there
12- To not have a sibling, but it was too late. My Mom was already pregnant
13- To be taller than 4’10
14- Not to be a virgin
15- To win my class election, since I lost the year before… I won
16- Not to be a virgin!!!!
17- Facial hair, cause maybe then I wouldn’t have been a virgin
18- To attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, where I was accepted.
19- Not to be deployed while I was in the Army Reserves
20- To have a girlfriend that wasn’t a pathological liar, sadly I was with her until 23
21- Wings, I was already able to drink, what else could you ask for?
22- To stop selling cars… that will really make you hate life
23- To start enjoying the single life after that girlfriend left me
24- To work at the DC Improv
25- To finish the college I have left
Since that last one is pretty current, I’m sure I’ll be plenty scarce for awhile but popping up here and there. Gotta make sure that when I’m 30 I don’t have any regrets. I don’t live for “what ifs” but unlike the Fowlest, the thought of not making it kind of scares me. Can’t say I’m quitting cause then when I showed up somewhere that would make me a big fat liar.

Today I went downstairs and bought Orange soda. I tucked it underneath my arm and carried it away under the shroud of darkness cause I hate to be the black man that stamps a stereotype.

For those of you that have Showtime channels, I recommend When Stand Up Stood Out. It was a pretty great documentary on the Boston Stand Up comedy scene back in the early 80’s when it really boomed. Not better than Comedian though, but what is?

I’m beginning to believe I have a serious commitment problem. I want what I can’t get and when I get something (or someone), I immediately find a reason to run. But I could never do that with you… Chipotle soft tacos with Barbacoa meat, red chili, corn, lettuce, cheese and a little tomato. Did I mention you have to sprinkle that B*TCH with some Tabasci Sauce?

I don’t get why people say Eurotrip wasn’t funny. I have it on my iPod so I watch it pretty frequently at work, it’s pretty awesome.

This Orange soda is fantastic, sigh, I’ll be right back. I have to go grab some watermelon and a white woman.

….

I’m back. Carlos Mencia is coming to perform at Constitution Hall. How funny would it be if there were protesters?

The stuff I’ve been coughing up the past couple of days reminds me of animal semen. Maybe a dog’s… now it all makes sense! My dog Max is sleep raping my face! He doesn’t know any better…

“What’s the easiest way to let down a woman with kids that you’re not attracted to?” Simple: Talk loudly about how you hate children and you’d never date a woman with children while talking to someone else. Trust me, it helps keep some of the hyenas around me at bay. Thank God for the dogcatchers that don’t mind, huh?

Ever listened to a family member complain about needing money while Share certificate slips lie on their table in front of you? Grandma just likes to talk. For those that do not know what Certificates, IRAs, Money Market Accounts and of things of this nature are… learn to invest pal. It’s cold out there, save up.

Every time I hear Crazy on You I can’t help but go back to Harold and Kumar’s wonderful montage. Some things are just too money for words.

Sad but true, even if Barack Obama didn’t already have my vote, he would get it by making a commercial where he dunked on Michael Jordan. I’m easy to please.

Heroes rocked on Monday! It’s sad to see that the Internet has truly become nothing but a place for geeks to come and whine about any and everything. No matter what a show does, it’s never good enough for the fan boys and I’m shocked they haven’t turned on The Office yet. Maybe they have and I’m not in the right forums… IGN.com anyone?

Don’t feed Gizmo after Midnight. How hard is that to remember?

Yesterday, either due to lack of earring or just trying to piss me off Nelson made me repeat myself at work 3 times. I hate, truly hate, to repeat myself. So all people could hear my scream on the fifth floor was “Steak Sauce, do we have any STEAK SAUCE?!” Good times. The bad news was we did not, but the Pork Chops were delicious anyway.

I’ve been working about for all of a week, and catch myself in the mirror more than ever. To other people I’m sure I still look the same, but you can’t help but look for results right away. I need to be beautiful, like yesterday!

I bought into the Lil Wayne craze like everyone else, but we must draw the line. That song with The Game sucks. Since when are paying to hear him sing?!

Kanye West’s new song he performed at the VMA’s sucked too. Okay, I’m done attempting to play music critic.

Yesterday my Grandmother attempted to pass me off to my Mom on the phone, which I hate. My Mom passed on the offer, should that concern me? I hope she just knows how much I hate that… Does my mother hate me? (that is rhetorical by the way, no comments necessary on that one)

To people like Will Hessler, Tyler S., Jay Hastings and… well I don’t think too many people are still around that started 3 years ago. My point being look how the scene has changed. It’s crazy…

I had forgotten about Curt Shackelford (hope I spelled that right, I’m not going to Google it to double check) until yesterday. I randomly saw that he’s still running open mics and took a sneak peek at what he’s been up to. There is some hot blond girl in his pics tab. I know you might have expected me to say something comedy related but that’s what stood out to me the most. I almost with that he hadn’t taken me off his e-mail list (for reasons unknown) so that I’d ran into her. If someone has actually seen this girl perform, was she funny?

I love my family, my circle of friends and all the friends through comedy I’ve been able to make over the past few years. I think I’ll go write some jokes, work (since I’m still at work) and make a blog roll when I get home. Don’t forget The Office comes back tomorrow, set your DVRs and TiVOs to NBC hoes.

Laters