The Dark Horse Returns

Okay, so start with a game. It’s called “What did you want most when you were…”
1- Memory is pretty non existent, but I’m tempted to say teeth
2- Still fuzzy, let’s say… an elephant
3- Not to have slipped and busted my forehead open leaving a permanent scar
4- To stay in Germany
5- To make out with my babysitter’s daughter, who is probably a fat chick now
6- To make out with my Pre-school teacher… who is probably a fat woman now
7- To be a safety patrol kid, seems lame now, but I think I cried when I got told no
8- To sing Digital Underground songs all day long and not have to go to school
9- To have a bedtime past 9 O’ Clock, God being young was lame
10- To be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, yeah, the white ranger
11- To stay in Utah… there was actually some pretty fine 11 year old tail out there
12- To not have a sibling, but it was too late. My Mom was already pregnant
13- To be taller than 4’10
14- Not to be a virgin
15- To win my class election, since I lost the year before… I won
16- Not to be a virgin!!!!
17- Facial hair, cause maybe then I wouldn’t have been a virgin
18- To attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, where I was accepted.
19- Not to be deployed while I was in the Army Reserves
20- To have a girlfriend that wasn’t a pathological liar, sadly I was with her until 23
21- Wings, I was already able to drink, what else could you ask for?
22- To stop selling cars… that will really make you hate life
23- To start enjoying the single life after that girlfriend left me
24- To work at the DC Improv
25- To finish the college I have left
Since that last one is pretty current, I’m sure I’ll be plenty scarce for awhile but popping up here and there. Gotta make sure that when I’m 30 I don’t have any regrets. I don’t live for “what ifs” but unlike the Fowlest, the thought of not making it kind of scares me. Can’t say I’m quitting cause then when I showed up somewhere that would make me a big fat liar.

Today I went downstairs and bought Orange soda. I tucked it underneath my arm and carried it away under the shroud of darkness cause I hate to be the black man that stamps a stereotype.

For those of you that have Showtime channels, I recommend When Stand Up Stood Out. It was a pretty great documentary on the Boston Stand Up comedy scene back in the early 80’s when it really boomed. Not better than Comedian though, but what is?

I’m beginning to believe I have a serious commitment problem. I want what I can’t get and when I get something (or someone), I immediately find a reason to run. But I could never do that with you… Chipotle soft tacos with Barbacoa meat, red chili, corn, lettuce, cheese and a little tomato. Did I mention you have to sprinkle that B*TCH with some Tabasci Sauce?

I don’t get why people say Eurotrip wasn’t funny. I have it on my iPod so I watch it pretty frequently at work, it’s pretty awesome.

This Orange soda is fantastic, sigh, I’ll be right back. I have to go grab some watermelon and a white woman.

….

I’m back. Carlos Mencia is coming to perform at Constitution Hall. How funny would it be if there were protesters?

The stuff I’ve been coughing up the past couple of days reminds me of animal semen. Maybe a dog’s… now it all makes sense! My dog Max is sleep raping my face! He doesn’t know any better…

“What’s the easiest way to let down a woman with kids that you’re not attracted to?” Simple: Talk loudly about how you hate children and you’d never date a woman with children while talking to someone else. Trust me, it helps keep some of the hyenas around me at bay. Thank God for the dogcatchers that don’t mind, huh?

Ever listened to a family member complain about needing money while Share certificate slips lie on their table in front of you? Grandma just likes to talk. For those that do not know what Certificates, IRAs, Money Market Accounts and of things of this nature are… learn to invest pal. It’s cold out there, save up.

Every time I hear Crazy on You I can’t help but go back to Harold and Kumar’s wonderful montage. Some things are just too money for words.

Sad but true, even if Barack Obama didn’t already have my vote, he would get it by making a commercial where he dunked on Michael Jordan. I’m easy to please.

Heroes rocked on Monday! It’s sad to see that the Internet has truly become nothing but a place for geeks to come and whine about any and everything. No matter what a show does, it’s never good enough for the fan boys and I’m shocked they haven’t turned on The Office yet. Maybe they have and I’m not in the right forums… IGN.com anyone?

Don’t feed Gizmo after Midnight. How hard is that to remember?

Yesterday, either due to lack of earring or just trying to piss me off Nelson made me repeat myself at work 3 times. I hate, truly hate, to repeat myself. So all people could hear my scream on the fifth floor was “Steak Sauce, do we have any STEAK SAUCE?!” Good times. The bad news was we did not, but the Pork Chops were delicious anyway.

I’ve been working about for all of a week, and catch myself in the mirror more than ever. To other people I’m sure I still look the same, but you can’t help but look for results right away. I need to be beautiful, like yesterday!

I bought into the Lil Wayne craze like everyone else, but we must draw the line. That song with The Game sucks. Since when are paying to hear him sing?!

Kanye West’s new song he performed at the VMA’s sucked too. Okay, I’m done attempting to play music critic.

Yesterday my Grandmother attempted to pass me off to my Mom on the phone, which I hate. My Mom passed on the offer, should that concern me? I hope she just knows how much I hate that… Does my mother hate me? (that is rhetorical by the way, no comments necessary on that one)

To people like Will Hessler, Tyler S., Jay Hastings and… well I don’t think too many people are still around that started 3 years ago. My point being look how the scene has changed. It’s crazy…

I had forgotten about Curt Shackelford (hope I spelled that right, I’m not going to Google it to double check) until yesterday. I randomly saw that he’s still running open mics and took a sneak peek at what he’s been up to. There is some hot blond girl in his pics tab. I know you might have expected me to say something comedy related but that’s what stood out to me the most. I almost with that he hadn’t taken me off his e-mail list (for reasons unknown) so that I’d ran into her. If someone has actually seen this girl perform, was she funny?

I love my family, my circle of friends and all the friends through comedy I’ve been able to make over the past few years. I think I’ll go write some jokes, work (since I’m still at work) and make a blog roll when I get home. Don’t forget The Office comes back tomorrow, set your DVRs and TiVOs to NBC hoes.

Laters