The plot thickens

What’s a Friday without a kick in the groin? For those of you that said blissful… you’re wrong. That’s like saying peanut and jelly would be great if all that peanut butter weren’t getting in the way. That’s why when I get home the first thing I’m going to do is kick off my shoezens (zapatos) and grab a nice thin pair of socks. I’m going to roll up the right leg of my jeans and hide in Nelson’s closet, using his dirty clothes as camo if need be. When he comes home I’m sure he’ll peel off his work clothes that will be soaked in nasty, no doubt. That’s when I leap from the closet shouting “Moondaba!” and crank back my leg for a kick to the balls that Kevin will feel from wherever he is. I’m gonna curl my toes to make sure that the balls of my feet change his life forever. A good kick to the fruits is always savored best when you’ve planned over it and strategized ever possible factor. I’ve drawn up Venn diagrams and pie charts to make sure that I’ve taken the best course of action and it’s settle; he’s going down.

Nothing is more awkward then trying to open a soda in a board meeting. No matter how long and careful you are, that bottle of Sprite will still “sigh” and everyone will look at you. Ah, gotta love meetings.

Little children in my neighborhood actually starting greeting me with “Hello Mister”, I’m officially an old man now. Oh God.

Dear Wolf, please reverse the aging process and allow me the opportunity to take some lessons back to middle school. With the knowledge I have now, I could have any girl I wanted back then. Never listen, treat’em like $#!T, wear cologne and don’t talk. I’d be a pimp. Praise be to the Wolf!

Eli’s blog tickles me, and it shouldn’t.

The List: Seaton, Erin, Justin C., Chris Hayes, Haywood, Bryson, John McBride, Barylick, Travis, Tim (I’m not calling him ____ ), Aparna & Hampton, Doo Doo, Sampson, Sean Ellis, Jake, Molberg, Kyle Martin, Atif, Tyler S., Eli (I was gonna put him earlier but I don’t want to reveal my crush…. Oh, that’s gay), Mumma, Schlegel (he can’t stay away), Poon, Andy Kline, Jay Hastings, Nick Turner, Mike Way, Weems, Courtney. I know I left people out but no intentionally, I just wanted to see exactly how many people I could name off the top of my head. It’s quite a scene though isn’t it? Wait…. Why the f*ck aren’t I on this list?!

A lady who reeked of cigarette smoke coughed profusely and gave me a dirt look for having cologne on. When she left the elevator I could hardly breathe cause she left a cloud of second hand smoke. Karma, right?

A little less conversation a little more action… I don’t really think that song gets played enough. Does it ever get old enough that your feet aren’t tapping? Of course not, sing that $#!T Elvis.

I just ate a retarded and deformed chicken. That is all. Oh yeah, it had a hair in it. Let that thought soothe you right into a coma. Cause that’s what bad chicken leads to.

Laters, see you tomorrow at the ex-Laughing Lizard (I can’t spell the name of that place to save my life)…

"Yeah, it is a beautiful day... wait I'm gonna poop."

Don't wonder, that quote was a treat that I received courtesy of my friend Charlie earlier this morning. Bless his horrible soul. The last several days served up a lot of potential stress. But, the big G was looking out for me. Respect.

Let us go back to Saturday. I, a young man with buttocks of a God, am making my way home from a lovely little town call "Alexandria". As I sped home at a brisk 90 mph, I couldn't help but notice that my accelerator wasn't functioning anymore. I pulled over....think...thin..got it. I call McNelson and inform he and Kevin that their negro is quite a jam and could use a couple of chaps to come and help me hump this bad situation into submission. They showed up about a half hour later. We ride... home. I wake up, being a procrastinatory(I do believe I just made up a mantastic word just there) chap I did not call to get the car towed from I-95 immediately. That's where I F%cked up. Upon speaking to the towing company I'm informed that there is a good chance that my car has been impounded already.... like modern day Gypsies they read my fortune. So, the police were very polite in getting me to the people that now had my vehicle... asses. And, wouldn't you know that when I called they had just gotten my car. If only I hadn't lied in bed for a hour before getting up on Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....ah(wasn't I telling a story?! Better get back to it then) So, I find out that it will be a couple hundred bucks for the impounding (AHHH) and then it needs to be towed( Jeez) and then someone gets to tell me what's wrong.... my worst fears were confirmed. The Korean men that I spoke to put it very simply in their "fresh off the boat way" ahem---"Your car not get OIL for long time. adsfd dsadsa ENGINE dadff gaggad." There is a word in that second sentence that should stick out like a sore thumb. Then we get a night of waiting to hear what magical number he pulls from a hat to fix the car. I'm horribly cheap, so waitin on this call is like waitin to get home while at work suckin' back a "No. 2". Finally, the number..... I don't need to tell you that I wasn't excited to hear it. But, let's focus on the positives here...... yep, there are none. But, you'd never know about trouble if you were looking me in the eye cause I was a rock. I just don't shake or tremble.

Bachelor Party this weekend. Should be fun, and yeah STRANGE. Although, and it's gonna sound pretty gay, I don't have the energy to chase these females. I think people get all types of productive things done when they pretend like the other sex doesn't exist. Like today for example: I'm going commando but due to the fact that I'm working and walking flirting, I don't have to worry about a chubby friend of ours creating any awkward situations. Cause all it takes is a good perfume and your pal( and mine) is ready to meet everyone and get a good smell of'um.

Even though I know that my job is looking at our emails, I still keep opening emails from people that I know will curse while I'm at work. I must stop this, but the words OPEN THIS OFF THE CLOCK are never in the subject line, so I get dooped everytime.

Laters