Kerri Hilson?!

Where have you been? What do you mean “Where have I been?” I’ve been here, bloggifying. Well I’m sorry that I forgot to post them. Well I can’t go back and post them now, I deleted them. I don’t know why I did that, sometimes I don’t make sound decisions. I thought you’d be happy if I started from scratch. What’s that? Yes I know that I’m a poor liar but I will lie you into submission. Because I don’t quit and… look either jump on board of f*ck off. I didn’t mean to yell… no I don’t hate you, you just… I’m sorry to. Let’s never fight again imaginary reader, ever.

That YouTube video cracks me up, I think it was when he threw all of his pots and pans to the ground. Dedication, you gotta love it.

Without intentionally trying, I seem to have been a rather large prick the past week. That is all.

Tonight I get to bathe in the laughter of children. Is there anything sweeter than seeing a child buckle over with laughter? What’s that imaginary reader? Why on earth would it be sweeter to see them buckle over with sheer ecstasy? Wait, are you talking about the drug?! That’s sick… but I can’t judge you. I fed ecstasy to pigeons just watch them roll around in their own bird $#!T. We’re so like minded…

I just wanted to throw out that I’ve never even seen ecstasy before. I don’t want to be anywhere near something that chews holes in the brain. But you can pass DuPont paint, huffin’ time.

Least appealing suicide: Falling to my death, so much time to think of what I could have done not to fall.

New slang of the day: Potopenko , there was a time when a basketball player with that last name dominated my vocabulary. It is an adjective with no particular definition. Use as you see fit. “I told her I was out of condoms and she told me she owned a vacuum… it was simply Potopenko.” Proceed…

Apparently Lil Wayne will not be releasing Rebirth, the alternative album with the single “Prom Queen.” Thank God.

I honestly don’t understand how people are going crazy over Crack a Bottle (new Eminem song). I speak as a huge fan back in the day when I say he should have stayed away. He used to be lyrical and angry, now he’s trying to be too comical and sings in almost every song. WTF happened to my youth and it’s role models. Where the f*ck is Bobby Brown when I need him.

I can’t wait to see Will Hessler tomorrow night at the Drafthouse. Every time I see him he’s bigger and has a more majestic beard than before. I pray that when I see him tomorrow I’m just hugging a giant puff of facial hair. Like Cousin It, but Jewsih-ly fro’d out like Will Ferrell. Bless you Will Hessler, bless you and minotaur that you keep as a house pet.

Donate to the homeless… what, I can’t be a good person too?

After seeing Role Models, which was one of the funnier movies released last year, Nelson and I concocted a plan. Find a way to hit on women that is deep and shows them we’re good people. I think the kid idea is a little passé now, but there has got to be something else. I’m even considering hanging out with my sister more so people will say “Look, he’s a good big brother… bet his d*ck tastes sweeter than Yoo-Hoo.” Yeah…

Is anything creepier than a stranger coming up from behind and pausing only to walk away right as you turn around? Yep, just happened…

How bad-ass would it be to walk through a crowd of people at the beach and straight into the water then snatch up a fish and come walking right back? If only my imagination could come true. Cause think of all the “cooz” I’m getting when I come back out of the water with a swordfish slung over my shoulder. “Oh my God did you see that guy snatch up that fish? I hope he puts his wenis in my smagina.” If find substituting dirty words funnier than being too direct. What do you think?

I’ll leave you all with a quote that inspires the H-E-double hockey sticks out of me:
“You ain’t gonna believe this...but you use to fit right here. (Rocky holds up his right hand) I’d hold you up and say to your mother, this kid is gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid is gonna be better than anybody I ever knew...and you grew up good and wonderful it was great just watching you everyday it was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world and you did... But somewhere along the line you changed...you stopped being you...you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good...and when things got hard you started looking for somethin' to blame...like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, it's a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, nobody is gonna hit as hard as life! But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep movin' forward, how much you can take...and keep movin' forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointin' fingers sayin' you ain’t where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! ... ... I'm always gonna love you no matter what...no matter what happens...you're my son, you're my blood...you're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life. ... Don't forget to visit your mother.”

Peaces