Dear Liam Neeson,I realize that now is a bad time, because we don’t know each other, but I wanted to give my condolences. It has come to my attention that your wife, Natasha Richardson, has recently touched death’s icy hog. I’m heartbroken for you, because anyone that makes something as beautiful as Taken deserves a good family that he can take into his tomb and have buried alive with him. Had it not been a head injury I’m sure you would have round housed the villain into a coma, but what could you do? I’m sure someone had to have brought up shrinking you down to the size of an amoeba and letting you battle blood clots within her blood stream… right? And why was her last name Richardson? You know what, it doesn’t matter right now “big guy.” Liam, I don’t want to sound like an obsessed fan or anything, but if you ever want to just listen to the police radio and beat the ever loving sweet crap out of criminals one night… I’d love to film you sir. Until that hot July night, I leave you with the words of Ja Rule “When I cry, you cry, we cry togefa (together)”
Sincerely,
Tyler
Saving money is a weird feeling for me. For a long time I would spend money the second I was certain it was mine, then “being broke” happened. Now that my situation doesn’t involve selling cars I strive to do whatever the old me wouldn’t do. I could never picture the old me grabbing a wad of $100 bills and making it rain on some hot young stripper. I aims to change that…
Today I was reminded just how quick life can come at you. Similar to watching the deer get hit a few weeks ago, today I saw a truck jump a median and come down the wrong way in my lane. All I heard was a loud screech and when I looked up a truck was about 15 feet in front of me in my lane barreling toward me. I immediately pulled right before braking, had to be sure I wasn’t going to get hit, then looked over what just happened. I have no idea how he did that because the median was an oblong grass median that couldn’t be mistakenly jumped. Or maybe he spilled coffee in his lap and lost all control for a second (that answer is the only one that isn’t dipped in heroine). My heart was beating like an angry gorilla outside your door waiting to rip your face off.
I forgot my wallet today. Yep, it’s going to be a fun 8- 4:30 today. Yesterday, I forgot my I.D. badge and thought it was aggravating having to piggyback my way in… at least then I could buy condoms if I needed them. What am I supposed to do if some big t!ttied woman rolls up on me like “Yo small, brown and sexy (yeah) I really been dying to suck off some guy I barely knew and you look just like that guy…” Am I supposed to let her service without Jimmy the magic Trojan? And catch Herpes (the forever dick-bubbulator)?! The only choice I’ll have it to take the HJ (handjob) like a desperate 11-year-old boy, I can’t do that! This mistake could cause Herpes dammit, Herpes.
Nelson has a new glass piece that we call “Candy Mountain.” It’s beautiful, all that orange and purple… makes you believe in Santa Claus all over again. And, it hits like a muthaf*cka too!
Punisher: War Zone is one of the gorier movies you can expect to see from an action flick… ever. It was almost sick, if I wasn’t so hard to disgust, I hope more people see it and it becomes a hit on DVD. I think with another shot at being Punisher, whoever that guy is can grow on us. Jigsaw could have been a bit more… “Better-ish” but I realize I expected a lot from an actor that was great on The Wire. He was no Heath, he was not Heath.
Something I wish I knew before smoking:
“Hey man, did you know that once you start smoking you’re going to start having little piece of lung come up out of your mouth from time to time? Yeah, first it will start as a cough up type thing. But soon you’ll notice that you’re starting to get that from laughs or just a hard breath outward. F*ckin’ sick dude.”
Not proud to say, but the other day Nelson and I found some fruit that was so old we swore one of us ate it long ago. Yep, we found that in the back of the (let me try to say it right) re-fringe-in-a-dor… no, damn! And it had more stink than Nelson’s nuts do. (But how would TRich know what Nelson nuts…) We got a new thing (box?) of Arm-N-Hammer and but it to work. That thing has been struggling to fight off that deep taint stank for the better part of two days and I commend it. I can almost hold my face in the (sigh) re-fridge-in-a-tore… refrigerator! I said it! Suck me beautiful, I knew I’d say it! F*ck you old 2nd grade teacher who said I was hopeless. Eat $#!T and choke you coke whore! OMG, she did choke… Where was I? Oh yeah, the funk is almost gone. New story…
As an adult, I know now that I would have been a member of the Foot (Shredder’s Clan) if Turtle Soup were delicious. And why would a gang spend all of their time hunting down those turtles if it wasn’t delicious? Exactly, Lord help them if I ever find out that gigantic mutant turtles are real, cause I’ll be coming for that soup dish.
My friend Cassaundra asked me a work-related question. After I answered with absolute-itude (I’m enjoying making up words today) she went and asked someone else behind my back. I’ve never understood why people do that about some things. Like if I ask you the time and you say 10:13, it is rude to ask the person behind you “Excuse me, do you have the time?” I just asked you. I don’t give a $#!T if it’s about to strike Armageddon, you don’t do that. That’s why people get their heads smashed on a rock in Africa… I assume. And you bet your ass I called her on that too. Then she accused me of being crazy (and compared me to a crazy person whom I shall leave nameless for fear of her contacting me) and tried to rattle me. Some people…
Uh oh, all the Pizza Hut I’ve had the past couple of days is starting to scream out from within my belly. All that f’n cheese man. I’m sorry Jesus!
Alright now, I'm done til Tomorries
Peaces
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