Atif, a look behind the beard

Atif Meyers (I'm shocked that he has a last name too) is a new comedian on our scene but where exactly did he come from? Hmmm....

At the age of 4, Atif was caught selling the Russians Muslim secrets and banned from Kerblackistan. His family was very proud of their home and social status so they would not join Atif on this journey called life. Plus, the father was always doubtful that Atif was really his child. But, you can't just say that to the little guy. Cause even when he was a toddler.... he stayed strapped.

Atif wandered across many a kind soul that took him in and geed him for a small period of time. The ones that stood out most were the ones that did not make him keep his promise of non stop love making. He had to whore his way around, he was too young to get a job and still had a gleam in his eye. The perfect child to touch if that's what you're into. I wouldn't know (cough). Moving on....

When Atif finally made his was to a boat he was forced to bunk up with a large black man with no teeth, his name was Moor. He was quite simply, a big dude. Moor didn't care much for Atif and his non stop joy. It wasn't until 2 months had passed that the two shared their first words:

Moor: Hey kid, how the f*ck do you have a beard already? You gotta be like 10.

Atif: I really don't know. I was born with a goatee, so....

Hours later Moor would show Atif how to make wine in the toilet. Plastered, they both sat and shared stories of hardships and crime. "What the hell were you selling secrets to the Russians for?" Moor asked. "I don't know" Atif answered, and that was good enough for Moor. They laughed and joked with each other for the next few weeks.... until that night. It was April 35th 1998, seemed like a normal night, rainy. While sitting and packing all of their belongings, Moor had something to tell Atif:

M: You really just gonna leave me, huh?

A: Well, I gotta get going, I think there's a lot of money in the USA. I aims to go get it.

M: I ain't never cried in front of no dude before, but you special.

A: Why are standing in front of the door?

M: Just let this happen....

(Screams, struggle... release)

In the end, I wish I could tell you that Atif fought Moor off and jumped ship. I wish I could tell you that. But, sadly life is not a fairy tale. Poor Atif never stood a chance, permanent damage was done. They say Moor took Atif's smile that night, I say Moor straight f*cked his smile. Same thing I guess. Atif didn't $#!t for a long time (27 days to be exact) and is terrified if you so much as look at his @ss. Moor died of a stab wound 2 years later. He never stopped thinking about his little Muslim Atif Meyers. Strangely, and for a completely different reason, Atif never stopped thinking of Moor either.

After a lot of jobs (BJzens), Atif found his way to Chocolate City. He was hanging with the "bum" crowd for a while and stumbled onto our comedy scene. I think he said the first comic to embrace him was Travis Irvine, who slapped him in his mouth and whispered "we're friends now". Since then we haven't been able to shake Atif, dare I say that the little spy has grown on us.

For the record, Atif mentioned something about my blog being about him last night. So I obliged him, and I'm willing to bet his real life is a lot more boring than my tale. If he dies next week and people Google him, I hope they'll find this and believe every word. Hopefully they'll stop before this disclaimer. Cheers to you and your beard Atif Meyers. Cheers.

Laters