"Why don't you pour me a little bit, of a full glass... of that Rum"

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I'm having a tough time figuring out if I did. My memories seem pleasant but the facts lay out a different story. Memories say that I went to my friend Stu's house and hung out with a hippie and an old buddy I hadn't seen in a while. Then, I played GTA IV on Saturday morning, grabbed my favorite Asian and went to a show at some church in DC. From there (and that is another story to be written below) we went to O'Shaughessy's (formerly the Lizard) for fun with comics. Sunday, I got up and ran out to shop for gifts for my mother and grandmother, this year my goal was to not only buy them cards... but gifts they'd actually like! I did that too, thanks to some kind older black women in line at Anne Klein helping me at the register. Now, let's roll through the FACTS:

On Friday I went to Stu's house and there is see a hippie. There are generally new folks to meet and chat with every time that I make my way over to Stu's, but (just making a reference) this guy looked like the long haired friend of Ben Stiller in There something about Mary. It was hilarious to me, and so I sit down. Within about 5 minutes, somehow, the conversation between the 4 of us had steered towards a popular subject among black guys "White people's use of the N word". For the record, I am not a fan of white people using the word, you're not black so don't use it. But, I do not get offended by it, that's just how I feel. When asked I will respond with honesty, this apparently set them all of and there is nothing cute about 4 men sitting around a cipher discussing something that would otherwise be a good debate. I believe he called me "An uptight black man. Oh, I'm sorry... do you prefer African American..." Honestly, I'm not that big a fan of a lot of Africans that I've met and I have never like to be called African American. Just black, I'm just black. We touched on a lot of topics that night, most of them should not be discussed by men in a room full of "smoke". Here's a peek at what we were mulling over: The N Word from a white mouth, Evolution vs. Religion (I was arguing for religion.... yep), Is smoking suicide?, summer movie reviews. It was an interesting few hours and in the end I really enjoyed the hippie, though during our first discussion he used the N word about 35 times trying to sway my opinion formed through 24 years of being black. I'm not sure if he honestly wanted to sway me, or thought that once my ignorance meter reached full capacity I would burst and shower the basement with cotton candy. I guess we'll never know.

Saturday, I woke up and decided to make so progress in GTA IV, and spank as many people as possible online. Something about the way children talk to adults online.... just makes me happier when I throw them out of a car and stand over them with a rocket launcher. In the least violent way, of course. Then it was time to prepare for the church show. I'm not the dirtiest comic around so I assumed this would only take some minor tweaking. Oh, how wrong we are when we assume. It started by getting there on time, the contact asked me to be there 6:30 the show starts at 7:30. Okay, so I'm there at 6:35-ish, he's not there. There are 3 people there: HOT female singer, A comic to host (He kind of scared me, unless he's reading this, cause you scare me) and the contact's mother. Nelson came with me cause what good is a best friend if you don't occasionally have a misadventure together? Neither Nelson nor I were aware that this woman was the contact's mother. She seemed like an older woman that just LOVED gospel hip hop. To be honest, the gospel hip hop they put on wasn't really that bad. Every song did talk about God though, I couldn't stop thinking "Don't they have any subject in their songs other than praising the Lord. Not in a bad way, but damn don't they ever rap about bettering children's lives or love of grape soda.... $#!t. Oh yeah, Nelson was very happy to point out that I kept letting the expletives fly outside the church. Apparently, I curse like a drunken sailor, but only in front of the G-Lord's steps. So, when they threw on the gospel hip hop they weren't playing around. That $#!t was cranking so loud that when I tried putting in my Lupe Fiasco, I couldn't even hear it on the loudest setting the iPod has to offer. $#!t, the entire time that Nelson and I tried not to laugh due to awkwardness, the mother was gyrating in her chair to the music. Not so much a rhythmic gyration, as it looked like she caught the holy spirit. That has always made me feel uncomfortable to watch. We waited until about 8 something for the show to start. It made things worse that Nelson and I kept noticing whispers and stares in our direction. Like they knew we were the biggest sinners in the room and wanted to hold us in some holy water before I performed. On to my performance, well where do I start. I think I can sum up the whole thing with two instances. When I started my Playstation 3 joke, I have a line where I say "Who hasn't paid 6 or 700 for a slave or someone you care about?" Well, right before I got to that line I questioned if that was appropriate for a church. I looked over at Nelson and he knew exactly what I was stopped about, all he did was shake his head NO. In another instance, I mentioned being scared of something and the crowd laughed. So then I asked "Who here has ever been lost in SouthEast DC?" At this point a man in the back says "I live in SouthEast DC" then someone else shouts that they work there. Next thing you know, in about 5 seconds the place was nothing but grumbles of proud South East DC-ites. I stopped right there and thanked them for their time. It was terrible. Let's speed through the rest...

Went to O'Shaughessy's where I was one of the first to arrive, did not get on. Coupled with the fact that I learned I lost my Visa Check Card at some point that evening I drove home pretty pissed.

Woke up Sunday, my mother guilt tripped me for not going to church with them that morning. I told her that I'd been to enough church for the weekend. Bought something she liked, the went to a new Japanese steakhouse. Food was okay, sober the entire time, not how I prefer to spend my weekends.... the sober part I mean.

Came home to get a few hours of free time by myself, I hate going places for the weekend. Next week, my perfect weekend: Sat around all weekend, got a piece, did some comedy, had an ice sculpture made of me slaying a dragon. AH.... a man can dream.

If you are a female comic, do not give another comic a fake telephone number because you think he's hitting on you. You have to see these people all the time, Sarah Donelly. I said her name cause I'm the only one with something to be ashamed of. But, one day, I'm gonna have a good set or save a kid's life or something and she's gonna slip up "That was great".... and my response "Woman you gave me the WRONG NUMBER, like I'm Tyler S. or something?!! Is you crazy? May you get bunions on your life!" I'm not really that angry, but the thought of that explosions tickles me. She really did that $#!t though.

Laters everyone