"Yeah, it is a beautiful day... wait I'm gonna poop."

Don't wonder, that quote was a treat that I received courtesy of my friend Charlie earlier this morning. Bless his horrible soul. The last several days served up a lot of potential stress. But, the big G was looking out for me. Respect.

Let us go back to Saturday. I, a young man with buttocks of a God, am making my way home from a lovely little town call "Alexandria". As I sped home at a brisk 90 mph, I couldn't help but notice that my accelerator wasn't functioning anymore. I pulled over....think...thin..got it. I call McNelson and inform he and Kevin that their negro is quite a jam and could use a couple of chaps to come and help me hump this bad situation into submission. They showed up about a half hour later. We ride... home. I wake up, being a procrastinatory(I do believe I just made up a mantastic word just there) chap I did not call to get the car towed from I-95 immediately. That's where I F%cked up. Upon speaking to the towing company I'm informed that there is a good chance that my car has been impounded already.... like modern day Gypsies they read my fortune. So, the police were very polite in getting me to the people that now had my vehicle... asses. And, wouldn't you know that when I called they had just gotten my car. If only I hadn't lied in bed for a hour before getting up on Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....ah(wasn't I telling a story?! Better get back to it then) So, I find out that it will be a couple hundred bucks for the impounding (AHHH) and then it needs to be towed( Jeez) and then someone gets to tell me what's wrong.... my worst fears were confirmed. The Korean men that I spoke to put it very simply in their "fresh off the boat way" ahem---"Your car not get OIL for long time. adsfd dsadsa ENGINE dadff gaggad." There is a word in that second sentence that should stick out like a sore thumb. Then we get a night of waiting to hear what magical number he pulls from a hat to fix the car. I'm horribly cheap, so waitin on this call is like waitin to get home while at work suckin' back a "No. 2". Finally, the number..... I don't need to tell you that I wasn't excited to hear it. But, let's focus on the positives here...... yep, there are none. But, you'd never know about trouble if you were looking me in the eye cause I was a rock. I just don't shake or tremble.

Bachelor Party this weekend. Should be fun, and yeah STRANGE. Although, and it's gonna sound pretty gay, I don't have the energy to chase these females. I think people get all types of productive things done when they pretend like the other sex doesn't exist. Like today for example: I'm going commando but due to the fact that I'm working and walking flirting, I don't have to worry about a chubby friend of ours creating any awkward situations. Cause all it takes is a good perfume and your pal( and mine) is ready to meet everyone and get a good smell of'um.

Even though I know that my job is looking at our emails, I still keep opening emails from people that I know will curse while I'm at work. I must stop this, but the words OPEN THIS OFF THE CLOCK are never in the subject line, so I get dooped everytime.

Laters

What a couple of days...huh?

Not even gonna touch this, but Mike Blejer won the Improv showcase.... congrats. Will I'm sorry man.

Went to Baltimore last night for the Funniest competition and didn't place. Not crushed though, I guess I'm getting used to not winning competitions. But, like any arrogant jerk I refuse to believe it's cause I'm not funny. Interestingly enough though, I did get caught in a cloud of crap. There was a corner next to the door that I immediately noticed "wreaked". The way that people smell if they spent a whole night sweating and it smells very acidic. I began to sniff around and try to figure out if it was someone near me or if it was indeed me. There were a lot fo fine women there so I did everything I could not to lift the arm and sniff the pit. I even had my head in the trash at one point. Still couldn't pinpoint it though. A waitress came up and was throwing something away when I couldn't help but notice her staring at me. I know what she was thinking and for once I don't think she liked me. I think she blamed me for the funk. Come the end of the night, I began to wonder if standing in the stink cloud could actually overpower the Dolce & Gabbana cologne I had on and make me genuinely stink?! But, I had no choice. So, I stank. To whoever left that cloud.... I hate you a little.

Tyler vs. Tyler will happen this year so wait for my command. Then do. Then do.

Females.....HAHA. The past couple of weeks have been nuts, but it's always when you start to feel like a pimp that God sends the biggest pimp slap of all. He keeps it strong. So I like to think I'm getting mine semi-strong.

Kanye's Album is bananas!! And it's only right that he's outselling 50 Cent. The only thing that would feel better is if it were Lupe Fiasco instead of Kanye. It's about time that lyrics meant something to most people. The day of Nelly is DEAD. Favorite track on the album(the only thing that feels like a rip-off is that there are "13" TRACKS, that's for R&B singers. NOT RAPPERS) has got to be Everything I am. " never could see why people'll reach a Fake-ass facad they couldn't keep up Y'see how I creeped up? Y'see how I played a big role in Chicago like Queen Latifah? I never rock a mink coat in the winter time like Killa Cam Or rock some mink boots in the summertime like will.i.am Let me know if you feel it man Cause everything I'm not, made me everything I am." Just got get the album.

Next weekend is my first bachelor party so.... we'll see what type of strange I can get into. I don't care if it's 85-years-old, just let it be strange Lord.

Fowlest I see you man, I still hate you.

Alright, that's enough random thought for today.... and in case you didn't notice I'm tryin' to blog like I used to. Laters...

American Beauty

Just a little quote that I think is good for reflecting on any day.... but on a rainy day like this maybe it will sink in more.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once,
and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
...and then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
(amused)
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
You will someday.

Sippin' Pink Lemonade

The blog is titled that because I am. Now you know that. You might have noticed the handsome young man that is to the right--->
"How are we supposed to wait?"
Maybe if I just jump off of something and land wrong(a.k.a. correct) then I will jar something in my head and spend some quality time in a coma that I can awake from just in time. Priorities people, priorities. I'm watching the 40-year-old Virgin at work and noticed something. Though I remember seeing a breast or two, there are a lot of them and it makes watching that a little weird when my supervisor could randomly come to the cuby and ask me a question. It would only be awkward since she's an innocent older Caucasoid. But the good kind though, I seriously doubt she would own slaves a couple hundred years ago.

What else is new? I had a rather interesting night a week or so ago with a Spanish friend. I went to said Spanish's home under the impression that I would be making an "impression"... how wrong I was. Spanish had just moved and I believe that a part of the date was supposed to be me going to work on helping. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not "that" guy and now she knows. So, she asks me to bring BOOZE, and another good friend that I will not name at work(wink). To me that spells "impression" time. I bring a movie, The Big Lebowski, seemed like a good choice at the time but in retrospect there were some other choices that would have been better. Everything is cool til' I lose patience, it's time to make this move....
Me: Did you wanna lay out?
Her: Okay.
M: (stretches out on sofa)
H: (lays opposite)
M: Oh, I meant this way(meaning along my body..duh)
H: (Lays and pauses) I'm not comfortable.
M: Okay well you should be comfortable...
The next oh... 25 minutes I was really exhausted from a long day and the thought of not closing said deal was enough to drop me like a bag of sand. When I woke up, she was laughing and the movie was over. Snores were mentioned and made nicey-nice and did the whole call me thing. I was pretty aggravated that I drove all that way for that, brought my friend, and she's not comfortable. About 4 days later it would come to my attention that when she mentioned comfort she spoke of the position and not the situation. Oh what a fool I am. Or on the positive side, maybe she's got the clap and God was given the ol' block of justice.
Tuesday: Kayne's album drops!!
Wednesday: I don't know
Thursday: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Friday: Pay-day.... always nice.

Before we say our "laters" let this picture ease your nightmares. I bring you..... the best marriage proposal ever.
http://www.dvdenlared.com/data/docs/20070728020952/darkknight-1.jpg

Laters everybody

I just found out that next Monday is a holiday!

It's great when the holidays that don't actually mean anything sneak up on you. I can only imagine if they start declaring something like Flag Day a federal holiday. Ah, how sweet that would be. Labor day.... get serious, but like any breathing black male I will take this holiday to reflect and hopefully the good Lord will giveth some "strange" unto me. Three day weekend...

Allow us to move on to events of late. We had a really comfortable show at Riot Act on Thursday, I don't know how Sampson does it, but he rarely disappoints. Friday I beat my friend Charlie Rutherford in Madden on the Wii. I don't own a Wii and it was pretty difficult to get used to, but in the end "I love a good comeback story!" is all that rang through the halls of Richardson. I was winning by one point and then with 2 sec. I pull of a beautiful pass that earned me the opportunity to say "He could, Go, All, the, WAY!!" Good times(sigh). Saturday... Sat... I guess I'm drawing a blank(I think you might be able to imagine why, if not you don't know me)... Sunday was kind of a bad day. Let's roll through the list:
1) had to drive up to Springfield to get the Fowlest.
2) got ticket for expired tags, which really caught me off guard. Plus, I was drunk and the cop was very close to my face.
3) was running late to Springfield, so was the Fowlest.
4) wait at Springfield for 15 mins., the the Fowlest calls and explains something is wrong with a train so now I'm flying solo....I still love you Fowlest.
5) This probably should be #1, but I didn't want to get gas cause I'm cheap so the whole time I'm watching for the gas light to come on while I drive to Richmond.
6) I get lost on the way, as I always do.
7) Ray says there might not be a show but he'll pay me anyway.
8) there is a show and it went really well...this is the only good thing about the whole day.
9) Halfway home I realize that I attempted to start a tab and left my card back at the bar, now I have to call and cancel that card and wait for another to come in the mail.
10) Arrived at home and discovered my roomies had eaten my pizza... bastards.
Well, that was my yesterday. Could have been worse but since I was there for all of it, it seemed to suck through my eyes.

But, I'm not going to end the blog whining, just needed to vent for a minute. So here is a gift from me to all the lovely reader who give me 30-34 sec. of their time everyday:

I CAN DREAM

By Annabelle Aeng

there's no fairy godmother

to make my wish come true.

no genie in a bottle to bring me to you.

no prayer on a fallen star

no magic potion in a jar.

but i can dream and when i do.

i dream that i'm there with you

Hey Kids!!!

Well clearly it's been a little longer than I remembered since I've blogged and junk. Where do we begin...

Saw Superbad and I must say that it's all good. I didn't expect much but didn't want to see anything else and then... magicism. And, yeah I made that up. I also bought Bioshock for the XBOX 360, need I tell you that it's the cat's pajamas(with a dead serious face).

At the Lizard last Saturday(I'm gonna make this quick) McBride caught me droppin' the deuce. I think that's all that really needs to be said. It's clearly still on my mind.

I've become quite addicted to S'mores lately. Is it the chocolate? Is it the marshmallow? The other question shall be riddled inconspicuously somewhere before the end of the blog for my own amusement.

I made a girl cry at work, and would love some feedback on this if you think I was wrong. Somehow the subject of dating came up at lunch and I eventually let it be known that I can't be with someone that is heftier than I'm comfortable with. She(being not slim) takes this as "well you really didn't love her then." To this we went back and forth and eventually she burst into tears(very awkward for me) and walked away. Slightly before Niagara Falls, I was using the point that if she were to say "I could never date a black man" it would just be something that you weren't into and couldn't deal with. But, maybe I was the bad guy for even having that conversation in the presence of a BIGGUN.

Got my green..."You know what it is" and if you don't you're a great law abiding citizen.

Today I finished my work with about 3 hours left in the day so now I'm at a point where I just get to be creepy and walk around talking to folks while they attempt to finish what they were doing. By the way, I just realized that my recording of my singing "God must have spent a little more time on you" is on my iPod cause it just started playing. "Is it the Graham Cracker?"Sing it TRich, SING IT!

DMX has a greatest hits album.... now go harm three people that are only casual acquaintances. When asked "why?" tell them "Cause I'm a Ruff Ryder!"

Happy Thursday and I think I'll end with this thought. Look at the dog at the top of the page(waiting) now whenever your upset remember that dog was unable to kill itself. God has such a sense of humor. And, yes, the ugliest dog in the world is dead now. Laters....

It's Always Sunny in Virginia?!

The recent heat wave has left me with a permanent case of swamp-gina.... you know exactly what I'm talking about too.

Daniel Johns is something like a pimp.(feel free to e-mail me for details on that one cause it's juicy)

Saw the Bourne Ultimatum, it was the juiciest steak I've ever tasted. Go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Not cause of how long it is, and yeah it was a three hour tour, but cause if you miss a piece you'll miss out on the best karate lesson ever. Side note: after action movies like that, I find myself in that mode of "I could beat somebody down like that" until I bump into someone and realize that a fight can get a lot more physical than I was giving it credit for. I quickly turn back into my old self.

I case you aren't aware, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be returning to programming next month. By far the funniest sitcom that is on television and you should fall in love with Charlie Day if you have a soul.

The Lizard was very fun on Sat. night. There was Poon, Tim Miller Lite, Kojeezy, McBride in da house, Daniel Toke Johns, Herbs, and much more. I always have fun there. Weds. night was something, I'll just say that if you decide to go to the Ecstasy lounge "You better bring the audience with you" cause otherwise your in for some hard stares. That was set-up by the Fowlest...I still hate you.

Women....

I saw Garden State last night, which is yet another movie on the list of things I teased a friend about and later had to eat my words. Damn you Zach Braff. His humor knows no bounds.

Lastly(and this is old but most people haven't seen this yet), here is a link to check out what Heath Ledger as "The Joker"...enjoy. Laters

http://media.movies.ign.com/media/752/752133/img_4561410.html

What makes a week magical?

Is it rocking out with 5 stars on Guitar Hero 2...Jermaine Fowler would say no, but that's what haters do.
Is it my swag? That's just for those of you that purchased(or stole...but the code of thieves says not to steal from Tha King or Coldplay) T.I. vs. T.I.P.
Is it receiving a text message saying there your good buddy Kevin just took a gamble in front of Nelson and lost. For those that don't know what that means picture the last fart that you thought might turn into something more. Hopefully you weren't going commando in shorts like him.
Could this instant swamp-ass weather be a key?
Is it finding out that you won't be charged for your new BlackBerry until next month's bill, right before you get ready to shell out all the money?
Seeing Transformers? It really doesn't matter how many times cause that movie tastes like a cloud.
Is it hearing John McBride's voice? .... I really don't know how that made it there...maybe I'm not as straight as I always hoped...
Is it looking on DCStandup.com and seeing that your name falls right before Tom Myers? Seriously, what is that about? Love you Tom.
Maybe it's ordering your favorite meal and dancing in front of the waiter until they comp it.
It could be lying to my mother about having plans so I can squeeze in another several hours of Guitar Hero 2...Love you Momala
Falling in love. Had to put that one.
BJ...comes right after falling in love
Smiling with co-workers that frighten you cause they put mayo on everything
Maybe it's hearing Charlie from a few cubicles down give great detail every time that he's going to the bathroom.
Whatever it is that makes a week magical, I hope that we all take a few moments to reflect on it. I'm 24 now and man am I feeling old. Yet, at the same time I feel like a 75-year-old man who got died and got sentenced to do this whole thing over again. Ug... By the way The Number 23 came out today. Cop that shiggity, then go get Zodiac and throw them on your iPod so you can watch em while you work tomorrow like me. Laters....

TMI

So, tonight at 9 on XM channel 169, let's just hope that I can operate in the awkward silence of radio. I'm pretty familiar with that anyway so let's see if I can have a ball with it.

Completely unrelated, let me get a soul clap for my n@gga Nelson a.k.a. McNelson, that guy is officially an old man today and couldn't look better.... for 24 that is.

Work is a blast, my section is having a party today a little before I get off and YEAH!, there will be bracelets and OPEN BAR... YES!!! I love this place.

I've found a way to watch It's always sunny in Philadelphia and still get my work done. It's really not that big of a secret, but watching it while I work makes the day go by so much quicker. If you haven't seen it, just take two dollars and try one episode from season 2 on iTunes.

Spent this week trying to get Guitar Hero 2 out of my system. I discovered it with help from my Nelson on Sunday, and that was it... I'm in love. It was all I thought about all week, and it never gets old to me. But, like any love, I gotta play it cool and hope that she will be glad to see me whenever I can make time for her. Why are women so complicated? (sigh)

I hope that we're all having a sexy July, I went by the Hyatt and the Lizard last Sat. and must say that it was refreshing. I got to see a bunch of people I've never seen before at the Hyatt, then I got to see Mumma get up there and do what he does... make me salivate, cause that's good stuff. The lizard is full of people that I've seen before and I always enjoys stopping by that place. Very nicely done Tyler S., but you already know that.

Does it make anyone else laugh that Chris Benoit killed his son with his signature move? I can only reason that he didn't know to let go cause the referee wasn't there to ring the bell. Just MY theory...

Well, let's get back to working and stuff...and by the way Fowlest... I hate you.
Laters...

Wow, has it really been that long since we've danced

I guess so. Let me just start out by saying "F*** Jermaine", just had to keep that whole thing going. If you haven't seen TRANSmuthaf*******FORMERS you should take a meat cleaver and just start hitting yourself. That movie made me laugh til' I cried in one particular part. That would be when a fat man jumps through a plate glass window when he hadn't even done anything wrong, just to avoid the police. Good times, good times. T.I. vs T.I.P. just came out and folks let me just say that it was scrumptious, all the way from its head to it's Gator wearing toes. Drink it in.
Last Saturday(cause I have weekends now) I went with the sweetest ol' lady ever(Grandma) to "CHARLES TOWN, RACES AND SLOTS" if you didn't just sing that you have no soul. I got all gussied up only to find out that there were no women to impress. Instead, there were married people, fat women, spanishes, fat spanishes, and fat married spanishes....need I say that there were more spanishes than you can shake a fist at? I felt like yelling like Gary Oldman in Leon:the professional "Everyone!" the question being "who is spanish?" I had a great time and told myself that I would only lose a certain amount of money. The good news it that when I got ready to leave I won like it was rigged and only lost half of what I was prepared to lose. We calls that good karma. Spanishes
I'm excited about my new bits..... just thought I'd lob that on out there and see what that does for ya.

Spanishes

For some reason I continue to go commando even though I salute round the clock.... awkward at work. If you didn't get that sentence, read it again and see what your heart tells you.
It seems like a lot of comics around here are getting on t.v., so I decided to pick someone and stab them. Look for me on all of your local news channel yelling "Ba Ba Booey!"
Jose, come back to work, there are so many women and I desperately need a wingman. Sorry, you all had to read that but since he's in Cali, this is my way to communicate with him. But, Jose, I was dead serious about the wingman thing....he knows. You could also tell me if the Spanish that work on my floor is into me. Me thinks no.
I used to use the word Negro. Then I would get tickled to say Negroseph(like Joseph), but now it has morphed into Negrosephine. No one ever know what I said so it gets absolutely no attention paid to it. Not everything can be funny to all, some things you have to do for self, and that shiggity cracks me up Negrosephine.
The NAACP buried the N-word yesterday. I get the sentiment, but aren't we a little old to play pretend. They made a coffin people, and there were onlookers....
There were onlookers...
I had a pink sprinkled donut for the first time this morning. Thanks God it was free cause it tasted like a hug without the grind.
Spanishes.
Tyler Sonnichsen doesn't care to remember my name so I just misspelled his. Now, we're even. Aw, who am I kidding? I'll shoot him.
"What's up Fowlest?"
-Nothin TRich baby
"Kick me a beat so we can freestyle"
-(begins to beatbox)
I SLAP THE TASTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH
-What'd you do that for TRich
"Cause it's hot outside Fowlest....it's hot outside." I hate you Jermaine.
Laters....

WAR!?

It was a rainy day, that cold air still chaps my lips at the thought of it. I think I reached for Carmex cause the 7-Eleven was out of chapstick.... I got off topic, let's go back to the first sentence. It was so cold and I could sense that today would be like no other. A knock at the door made me stop practicing what it might be like to be handicapped and I quickly stopped crawling around on the floor and went to answer. Upon opening I realised that there was child at my door. Now he wasn't anything special but I was out of garbage bags to dispose of him with and if I fed him well perhaps there would be no reason to have to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to name him but every time he touched something of mine, I tired of yelling out "Stop that Unloved!" So, I decided to go with ..... Jermaine. I would make his middle name something strong like Richardson or Christ but right as I was going to give him a last name, he hung my cell phone up on a rather attractive woman that was calling. How FOWL, i thought to myself. And, there you have it.
I grew to despise him less over the time that we spent together, occasionally I would feed him. Not food buy human standards but since he's still alive I'm considering food anyway. One day I happened upon a hobo that was choking on something, I stood and watched as he passed on and made awkward eye contact with me(a stranger on his way to work) and got Jermaine all kinds of clothes and things. Oh, you should have seen how his twisted, evil face just light up like a ghetto Christmas tree... cause instead of braces I fastened some strong twigs to his teeth. You name it, we did; I dare not even mention the time that I took him on his first adventure to the orphanage. "Your grades are slipping Jermaine, you know I don't love you right? Then, get your act together or you coming back here real soon." He got the picture.... cause I didn't love him. One day he asked me for a Super Nintendo. I laugh now, but I beat him within an inch of his sweet life that day, just to teach the lesson that I'm not made of money. I told him later that day that if he likes he could watch me play my X-Box, but only for one night. Plus, he was old enough that I was afraid he would tamper with my coffee. You know what I mean too. It was hard when he started dating, cause I was generally able to talk the women out of dating him before they had their first date. I don't know why I laugh so hard whenever he cries, but many a night I would sleep in the hall and laugh myself to sleep while he scratched at the door and cried all night. I'll be honest, I'm laughing right now. Goodness I hate him(as I wipe a tear of laughter away from my face), I gotta stop thinking of the good times at work cause people will think it's weird that I'm laughing so hard while working. Where was I... ah, got it. I'm happy to say that despite what you think of the way he smells, I bathed him at least twice over the years and I remember the joy of playing fetch with the Fowlest and not having the swat away all the spill over flies. They can gather on filth folks, trust me... better yet ask him.
Well, you might wonder what young Fowlest did that made he and I such bitter rivals. Not too long ago it came to my attention that he has one of the most disgusting habits known to our society right now. When, I checked on why I still hadn't seen his report card(hoping there would be a "B", those always gave me reason enough to give lashings) I saw him with my own two eyes. Laughing and saying those awful words "De De Deee!" I screamed like a woman who was fornicating and spotted Jason.
ME: Fowlest what is that.
Fowlest: The Mind of Mencia...
ME:Is the remote broken?
Fowlest: No, this is like my favorite show.
ME:(gasp) Get off my lawn and I don't ever want to see you again. And, Fowlest..
Fowlest: Yeah Mr. TRichardson
ME: You know I never loved you right?
That was how it all went down folks. And, sometimes I wake up and swear I can hear him scratch at the door for a chance to sleep on the tile in my kitchen. I could just swear I can hear those ugly tears stream down his face.... and I get the chance to laugh myself to sleep. Have a safe weekend everybody. Laters..........

well hello

Hey kids, how are you out there? Quick question, is the fact that my tire was flat this morning and my dog peed all in my slipper the sign of a bad day to come. Oh, by the way I was like 20 minutes late. Oh, and Tyler from Elliot in the morning told me that a story I wanted to share was too boring to get on the air. Oh, and (I swear this just happened) I had to make a business call and leave a message for someone, in the beginning of the call I had to burp the started speaking very fast... thinking I was hung up cause I thought I pressed the button I gave a burp. But, was still on the call! I just looked down and saw the lights were still on. Oh, what a day I'm having.
Fun in the sun today cause it's hump day. Live it up folks. Tomorrow my boss takes my team and I out for lunch. Awesome, cause they deserved it and I'm the new guy. Though I think the money I saved I blew last night at a bar. I'm not a bar person and it was an awkward way to pass the time. The whole time I was sitting there I just kept thinking "Oh, Tyler, you're better than this." Rented Ghost Rider, and from what I saw it was pretty good, even though I never had any interest in that comic book hero, and the same goes for Blade. The Fowlest and I have a blog war so let me be the first to throw a stone....I hate him. Go Jermaine.....

Great Fri.+Sat. but ohhh that Sun.

First let me start by saying that I've been listening to nothing but the Girl from Ipanema...I know the elevator music. But, everything is gravy when your listening to that song, just gravy. It may be my new favorite song(and the version that I'm talking about has lyrics.)

Traffic was awesome cause it was pretty non-existent today, I got to work early(did he say earl..)I said early.

Saw Rory on Comedy Central...awesome. The asian guy after was also quite funny but Herbie and I took that guy's set to run to Taco Bell. But, the show was awesome....I've used that word too much throughout this blog already.

Ned Divine's was interesting on Fri, but we had fun anyway. I got to chill and meet the staff for a couple of hours, which was one of the highlights of the night. One word, Russian.

So, let's talk about awkward. Yesterday, I was out shopping for a gift cause it was my mother's b-day. Everything was fine between a friend and I until I saw an ex (friend of hers...f buddy), well since I've heard her go on and on about this guy I was blown away when I didn't really see what the big deal is. In my mind I'm saying "this is why we don't bang?!" So, in typical fashion, I GOTTA BE ME, so I said something and now I'm pretty sure we aren't friends anymore. It was so awkward that I just handed her money and let her wait for the check alone. Well, that's TRich for you I guess. laters....

Life is damn neat perfect

I am in a phase of my life where everything is so perfect that all I can say is hurray. So, let's get past the new job and apartment.... nah, let's enjoy this for just a minute. I think that most of my last year was important to who I am to become. Let's go back a year, to when I was fired from my job as a car salesman and having what was clearly the most devastating part of my 24 year old life, to now. I was down and out, not performing because of how broke I was and yeah, even having problems with my "THEN" girlfriend. Over the last year I got that job back and she left right after I guess she thought I wouldn't have a suicidal breakdown... luckily, she was right(but I wouldn't even spend a night in jail over that girl). So, there was no choice but to try to make life a little better for myself. I slowly realized months later that if I was gonna be anything but the person I was spiraling into, I might need to make a change. So, I gave up smoking weed for a long time(in my mind) to make sure that I wouldn't have any problem when the right job came along. Then came finding a new place to live. Since the ex lived so close to the old place, I needed to find a place that wouldn't force me to look at a guy's car in her driveway.... so moving was definite. I had a plan right from the get go though(yeah that rhymed), I was gonna keep my job just long enough to get a new place then get a real job. And folks, that exactly what happened.
It's June now, so I figure that half the year was successful since I accomplished those two things and now I have two other things on my mind. I need to dive into comedy in ways that I haven't yet, and I need a new car. The car part isn't just because of the old ass Corolla that I've been pushin' but mostly cause it causes me shame now that I smacked it into a guard rail the last time I left the Lizard. The comedy part is cause now I have no reason other than trying to get some sleep before I wake up and face traffic, to not get out almost every night of the week and work on some f@ckin' jokes. That douche bag that made a comment a blog or two ago wasn't right, but I'll always have work to do on my comedy til' the day I can stop sayin' "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson" aka TRich. Ask the Fowlest N!gga on the Planet how to pronounce the latter. I got six months to prove myself wrong but I don't aim for failure. Oh yeah, a woman that I could trust would be a nice replacement for a car, but comedy will always be on that list.
If anyone isn't happy then I truly feel for you and I hope that you have some kind of faith that everything will be okay. Whether it's religion or just blind faith, we must believe that better things are going to happen to us through the rough times or what the F@ck are we living for. I, myself, just believe that God had a plan.... but that's not for everybody.
I was reading Jay Hastings' blogs today and all I'm gonna say is... "weren't we all thinkin' that sh#t anyway?!" I like Curt, but S@it. That is all.
Don't think that there won't be a blog on Monday cause I've got Soho to hit and now that I've got my weekends, why the hell wouldn't I have plenty to talk about on Monday... I don't know either. Ladies and gentlemen, here's to the rest of 2007! Laters...

So let's play catch up

Hey everybody. Let's start back at the Drafthouse and move forward...

So, the Drafthouse was a s@itload of fun and I had the opportunity to perform with Mike Aronin, Randolph T, Katie Riffey and Chris Doucette. Awesome is the first word that I can think to describe it and even though the crowd wasn't standing room only, there was certainly a receptive group of people there. Loved it. Afterwards, Herbie along with Randolph and Katie Riffey(oh, and who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson) went to some giant bar and I learned some of Randolph's ways of the pimp. Very educational.
That Saturday night I got to go to the Laughing Lizard and that was just as fun as it should be. After the show I was drunk driving and smacked my already not so hot car into a barrier. It was only a second, but you'd be surprised at what can happen in a second or two..... SHIT.
So, let's skip to more recent events. I traveled down to Richmond on Sunday with John McBride and the Fowlest N@gga on the planet. We stayed at John's friend's house, Suki thank you. Bestest hostess ever. And, yeah I know that's not a word. We were there for the 9:55 club and we should all know by now that the room is just plain fun to perform in. John rocked, The Fowlest rocked, and Who the F@ck didn't do too bad either. I didn't really have 45 minutes but I'm definitely working on my crowd work. Overall I was satisfied.
Tuesday, I took my drug screening at my new place of employment and got my photo taken for my badge and all that jazz. I could not be happier about this new job and boy am I reflecting on how I used to sell cars right about now. Times change, and a year ago I was having the worst time of my life. A year later, I'm floatin' on cloud nine. God bless everybody.
Yesterday I went to Richmond again to perform at the Funnybone. They have a competition very much like ours at the Improv. Fun, fun, fun and I got a chance to speak with Odyssey Michaels quite a bit. Nothing but professional for those that haven't met him. I respect that, and hopefully there will be work for me at the Funnybone sometime soon. I'm pretty negative by nature so take comfort when I tell you that it's a good possibility.
Which leads me to my last topic. Why is it that when people get what they want out of comedy they aren't using it the way we all say that we would when we're still nothing. I am nothing right now and unless I'm blind to the world there aren't as many hook-ups going on as there should be. I'm not talking about anyone specific, but when I get any opportunity you better believe that I'm gonna break my neck to put anyone with talent on the same opportunity. If you're confused at all just ask yourself "Who is the last person to really help someone out that wasn't there friend?" I'm talking about recognizing someone talented, remembering their name, and taking a few sentences at a later time to change the direction their heading in. If you think I'm talking about myself, then you don't really get what I'm saying and I feel okay with you being a bitter F@ck about that. But, for those of you that do get it(and yes, I would certainly love for someone to do something for me one day, but that's not what this is about) go out of your way to help someone that you don't consider one of your closet friends. To give an example: there were a few comedians last night that had no reason other than being extremely cool, to help out an out of towner that most of them were meeting for the first time today. Now, naturally when anything comes up for Tyler Richardson I would help out my friends cause that's what people do, but I mean helping out someone like Mike Blejer(just reachin' for a name that's new, imply nothing. Yes, I know about Demitri Martin). Just pickin' someone that you find talented but want to help out. It is possible isn't it. But, I'm babbling now, so let me go and just say this. "I just want the best for our community, so take no offense. I'm happier then I've ever been now and want everyone to have the same joy in their life." I'm at the Riot Act the next couple of days with Joe Recca, be there if you're bored.

Survey TIME!

I promise that an actual blog is coming like... tomorrowish, cause there's lots to talk about from the last couple of weeks. But first I need the help of everyone reading that isn't looking to lyrics to Johnny Gill's My My My(Koreans).

Which is a better name for my website?
1) whoistylerrichardson.com
or
2) whothehellistylerrichardson.com

You tell me so I can get a little more professional with this thang.... laters.

So Tyler, how was your weekend?...who are you?!

Firsteys, let me just say Congrateys to the Fowlest N@gga on the Planet. Last night I believe that Mike Way and Aparna tied for first place at the Improv showcase and Jermaine followed in second place. Forgive me for not knowing who third place was, but I talked to the Fowlest N@gga on the planet last night while very drunk. You know that he talks fast...

Riot Act was a fun open mic last night. Right before I hit on Ms. Dookie I realized that her bit about being in a long distance relationship is TRUE. If not then she's just not attracted to me, but the point is don't hit on her. It's an embarrassing walk away. Cause you know you're gonna see her again. I know I will..... back to the show though. Took awhile for the crowd to warm up but when I eventually got up there I had fun and it definitely made up for bombing at the Lizard on Sat. Did I mention the weekend yet? Let's just do this thing in reverse while we're at it...

So, the Lizard was cool and there were all my favorite people there. Poon rocked that mutha. Tim, Herbie, The Fowlest N@gga on the Planet, Bryson Turner, and "Who the F#ck is Tyler Richardson all had a rather interesting convo. Leo the man was in attendance. Saw that smoothe mutha Mike Way in action. At long last, saw the coolest cat on the earth, Jason Weems. Hadn't ran into him in a minute. And, lastly, I ate shit.

Before all that happened though, I did get lost in southeast DC. I joked with the Fowlest N@gga on the planet about how I was going to call him panicked cause I knew that was gonna happen. I've only been lost there a handful of times but getting to Catholic University gave me the "You're gonna get lost in SOUTHEAST DC!" feelin'... ya know. So, about 15 minutes after laughing about this call that was coming, I found myself on MLK JR. Blvd.(sigh) and there were people that looked like they wanted to hurt somebody on every corner. Need I remind you that it was broad daylight, and they could look right in the Corolla at your friend "Who the F@ck..." so I was playin' it cool but still on edge. Throw in the fact that I'd been drinkin' for some time and needed to STOP somewhere and take a piss. I really didn't want to stop anywhere that had SE beside the street so I continued to try and find my way through SE while holdin' back a monster piss. Eventually, I get a couple block into NW and decide that I can't hold it anymore so I'm gonna take the Colgate bottle in the back seat(that was empty) and pee in it then I'm gonna dump it out. Don't judge me, you know we've all done horrible things in a crisis. So, I have my pants undone, belt unbuckled, and IT is almost in the Colgate bottle.... then I pull up next to a church. I ask the man at the door if I can use the bathroom. Yes. THEN, I put it and the Colgate bottle away and zip up. I pee, he takes 10 minutes to give me directions to the University, and we're back on the road. Catholic University is full of at least two wonders:
1) It's surrounded by nothing but GHETTO. That's right, it's projects then out of nowhere this shiny golden cathedral. Odd.
2) It's seems that being extremely hot is a prerequisite to getting into the university. Not everyone was hot, cause like allowing a white guy in a black university, "Gotta keep up appearances".
The show went well and the audience was attentive. Even though the show went long, they were right there with us. And, the Fowlest N@gga on the planet was hittin' on anything that moved. Shout outs to the Engineers at Catholic U. You guys rocked and so do your 80-year-old grandmothers. There was a woman in the front row that was chuckling at the dirtiest stuff I had. I miss her already. Well, that's it for now. Drafthouse... May 3rd... just go people. Laters....

Koreans

And no, that has nothing to do with V. Tech earlier this week. I am blown away by the massive number of people from Korea that continue to look for the lyrics to "My My My" by Johnny Gil. You'd swear the song just came out over there cause everyday there are a ridiculous amount of hits on my page from the same same search. I know that his dance moves were awesome, I saw them when I was 5. Move on Korea..... move on.
Yesterday, my mother and I were spending some quality time and somehow got to watching videos on Youtube(which I don't think she had ever seen before). Luckily, her monitor is gyhugen so watching the videos was kinda like watching the tele. My mother really doesn't have much of a sense of humor these days cause she's a huge Jesus freak and uppity. But, I threw on "Go Fuck yourself" by our friend J. Schlegel and saw a bit of life out of the old girl I haven't seen in years. She didn't even watch Brokeback mountain, cause of the Jesus freak thing, but knew exactly what was going on. I was so shocked that she laughed, "High Five Justin"..... ah.
Tomorrow, there's a cool show at Catholic University(it just now dawned on me that I probably need to go with my clean material then) and it looks like the line-up has some people I don't know too well but have heard of..... shall we. Okay then, Erin Conroy, Mike Shader, Mike Auletta.... then the familiar faces.... Chris White, Herbie Gill, Giovanni, The Fowlest N@gga on the Planet, and "Who the F#ck is Tyler Richardson?". Should be fun and the show gets going at 8.
May 3rd. Arlington Cinema N' Drafthouse. "Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson?", Katie Riffey, Tim Miller, and Randolph T. 8. Just DO.
I'm gonna go for the weekend, but lets catch up on Monday shall we? Laters....

So much to say...

What it is? Let's start with Friday and work our way up to last night at Soho, shall we...

Friday- Felt like it was far time to get out and see if Ned Divine's was still a ton of fun. When I got there about 15(being generous) people were seated and ready for this striptease we call comedy. The list would be:Rob the master Maher, Herbie "F'n Pimp" Gill, Leo 2 Goodman, Who the F@ck is Tyler Richardson, and Jon MUMMA. I had fun, and think that for the size of the crowd I did aight. Yeah, that's not a word, but I felt it come out and couldn't stop it. Mumma broke out this balls to the wall joke which he says was the first time he had performed it. We'll see, if so, I was there man, I was there. So, after he performs we go to the bar to get a drinky drink. Guy next to him is incredibly drunk and immediately buys him what he was gonna order. I'm behind and thinkin' "Wow, I sure hope that I can get a free drink". Cause I'm frugal, not gay. They spoke about 2 sentences to one another. I proceed to try and order. Not so smooth as Mumma though, cause I was forced to have conversation with this man for about 15 minutes and there was no free drink at the end of that tunnel my friends. But, while talking he did describe how one of his roommates would screw in his bed and leave him to sleep in it. That was after he made me hear about how he was the baddest mutha on the planet. So, I move back to the comics with my martini and Miller Lite in hand. When I get there some type of transformation took place at Ned Devine's. It suddenly became a club. Fine women were here and there and then I said something like "With all these women, I feel like I should be hittin' on some." Well, Rob or Mumma proceed to take out money and say that I won't last 5 mins. in a conversation. Now, it took me about 20 mins. to build up my courage, but I ain't no sucka. So I move over to two women and one has my name all over her. I promised that I would use the phrase "Reese's Pieces are great aren't they?", so I chose to open with that one. They laughed thank God, but the fine one wasn't really into me. So I swerved my game to her less attractive friend. She wasn't bad, just not fine. Judge away, but don't. Turns out that both of them were 39 and that doesn't work so well when you look like you're 17. I got turned down when I eventually asked for her number. But, had been talking for easily 10-15 minutes, so that $4 was all mine baby. Later in the night I would accidentally race around a corner and full on grab a hot Hispanic girls boobs. A little later I was joking with the bartender about something and slapped her breast to the point of bounce, but she knew that was an accident. I talk with my hands too much people. And, I tried my first long island ice tea, which lead to me being cut off and driving home with one eye open. Ladies and Gentlemen, I enjoyed telling it almost as much as I enjoyed livin' it.... Moving on.

Saturday- Went to the L St. Lounge to meet my main man Jermaine Fowler. From now on I will refer to him as the Fowlest N@#ga on the planet. It' s just funny to me. So, as usual, a group of "women?" perform first even though we worked out an agreement with the host, and I believe they sang about keeping their weave. I fought back laughter until a white family looked into my eyes and saw that "Hey, it's okay to laugh. He's black and thinks this song is awful too. Are those women?" I performed and thought I did well again, plus some people came down from the bar to hear me. They didn't realize that I was only giving them 3 minutes cause it was time to celebrate Tyler Sonnichsen's big day(early). So we were off to the Laughing Lizard. Tons of comics. As much as people get a little steamed when the place is full of comics, I really do enjoy getting to see all those faces in one place. Normally, you see sprinkles throughout the week or so, but this was a melting pot. I tried some crowd work and if nothing else, just wanted to have fun. It was nothing but comics, but I felt cool with how my new stuff was received. Let me give a quick list: Herbie, Sean Gabbert, The Fowlest N#gga on the planet, Ryan Conner, Quincy, Randolph T, Andy Kline, Jake Young, Will Hessler, Tim Miller, Kojo, Aparna, Diana Saez, and HOT bartenders. Thank you for giving us the Lizard Tyler S. We love you, and I liked your birthday cake so much I smeared some on my pea coat just to have it around always.

Sunday-The Fowlest N%gga on the planet decided to kick it at la casa de Richardson, so I woke up to him on the floor gettin' in some Gears of War. He's not bad, but to his face I'll tell him he's horrible. I was supposed to go to the circus with a female friend but that didn't happen like it was supposed to, so chill we did. First, off to Bloom to get some beer. Mind you this was Easter Sunday and it was 10:50 in the morning. "We get ours". I stumbled across some lobster tails on sale and what human could say no to lobster. So we get back, drink, play video games and live people, live.... then I remembered that my family likes to eat and give me free food. So, with the Fowlest N&gga on the planet in toe, it was off to mama Richardson's house. It was cool and now he is the only person who knows how strange my family truly is. If he calls them strange somebody let me know so I can taze that bama. He even tried some food that won't ever touch these lips. He's a brave soul, but that's my homie, so I put the antidote in his backpack. Soon, it was time to say good-bye to young Fowlest... so I took him to the beach and said "Best of luck you bitch ass Nyuggah!" Got home, watched A Clockwork Orange, and decided that maybe it was time to eat that lobster. For those that want to cook it yourself, just know that there are giblets that Red Lobster doesn't show you. GIBLETS.

Monday-Found out that I can sign the lease on my new apartment next Monday. So rock on to that. I'm not moving far, just to a much nicer and less expensive part of Virginia. Right now, I live in Fairfax county, but it's not a nice neighborhood. Yet they still get to charge you like it's a gated community. The only thing that rent.com can say about us it that we have lakes in our complex to go private fishing. Yet, the first time I ordered pizza the delivery guy was 40 mins. late; when asked why he replied "the cops are fishing a body out of the lake down the hill, so I couldn't get around them"...... WHAT?! Plus, my ex won't be living across the street anymore, so that's cool too. So, I went to Soho last night. List?, of course:Fowlest..., Kojo, Mike Way, Aparna, Diana Saez, Jay Hastings, Chris Barylick, Tim Miller, John McBride, Seaton(a f'n pimp if I've ever seen one)Smith, Leo 2 Goodman, Tom Myers, and many more... I'm a forgetful shit, sorry. It was a cool show and went like most do, I was happy with myself and it was cool to have gotten on a stage frequently over the past 4-5 days. I gotta keep that up. One thing that did jump out at me was that Taxi Driver. He didn't tell jokes and it seemed like he really just wanted someone who would listen. Maybe people are too busy talking about themselves when he's driving them somewhere. But, as sad as it was to witness, it was f'n creepy. My boy Kevin couldn't do anything but look at me, and I'm not the best person to look at if you're trying to fight laughter. I'm an asshole. Tom Myers, Tyler loves you. But, who the fuck is Tyler Richardson. Well, that's all for this longgggg blog entry. Side note: Walking back to my car from Soho, that Taxi guy almost hit me and when Kevin and I looked into the cab and saw him talking to someone, the WTF look was wiped away and all was forgiven. Love you Taxi Driver guy...Laters

Blogs are for lovers

Hey everyone. There will be a new blog of things that happened during my very crazy weekend. Fowlers, and drunkards and laughs... oh my. See ya at Soho tonight.

"So what's up? Oh sh#t, you've gotten so fat!"

Well, I stumbled upon Mike Way's myspace page and saw blogging in it's truest form so I had to hop on mine. Jesus, if you haven't seen him blog, go check that shiggity out and see what it means to BLOGGG!
Feel Good
Lizard should be fun on Saturday, and maybe I'll have on a thong. Maybe. Nah, but talking of sex appeal makes me want to point out what a piece of ass women have been treating me like that past week.
Feel Good
My ex broke my heart and maybe we all need the assurance of other people to say " Hey, hey, look at me.... I'd f#ck your toenail polish off." I think we just need that after crumblin' within the chest. I'd give examples of these pieces(cause one is most definitely a 10) but that would be rude to them.
Feel Good
So.... "Who the f@ck is Tyler Richardson?" A man who wakes up and says "Today, I kidnap some one's child and hold them for ransom..... then I'm one step closer to buying metallic legs!" Yeah. Yeah.
Feel Good
I went to Marymount University and Keith the Comedian was with. By the way, Keith bought Musiq Soulchild's new album LuvandMusiq, which made me immediately go out and get that shiggity the next day. Back to this "talent(?) show", so we were both received well and guess who went before anyone else.... Tyler. Bittah!(yet again pronounced like bitter, but with soul) So, the guy who is bald and sets up the comedy shows there is behind us now to actually perform for the college next semester. Had to prove ourselves but I think we both liked the challenge. HA! There was so many fine women all over that place and at the time I was still playing it timid. Oh, to go back in time. Just ass all over the place. And, we watched as a kid that seemed like an alright sort, performed a whole 7 min. of Dane Cook's Retaliation. It was an out of body experience. Because, while part of me sat there, my spirit walked on stage and had a giant cane with which to hank him out of his F#$%ing shoes. But, it's all good, the part of me still sitting there was numbed by this one African girl's B.O. Oh, it was something. She had on a dress with the shoulders out. I was catchin' the full affect.... Shiggity.
Feel Good

Well, laters everyone... and keep smiling. The feel good thing is part of The Secret.

Let's play catch up...

Okay, so it's been a little bit, let's catch up...

The Sampson show on March 11th was one of the more fun shows that I think I've gotten to be a part of as of right now. Nick found some beer in the back and that was what would be the beginning of a beautiful night. Everyone was funny and the audience was receptive. Kudos to everyone that was on the show, ROCK THE F@CK ON!

I'm steppin' my suit game up and oh, I look sharp in a suit baby. Pictures will come when I've picked them up. Tailoring...

24 was awesome last night. You don't just leave Jack Bauer in the dark about his main squeeze being dead. You just don't. Kill for me Jack, kill for me.

My dog Max is still the sexiest bastard on God's green earth.

I have given up cigarettes and weed. Weed is only temporary but the fags are pretty permanent. I may smoke one here and there, but a smoker I am no more.

The last blog or two might have seemed a little bitter.... I apologize. Jermaine Fowler and I joke about how my name should be BITTER(pronounced BITTAA). But, trust me, I got nothin' but love for all of my fellow comics. Sometimes we just step outside of ourselves. I hope you understand.

Lizard- March 31. Jermaine and I are going to have fun, and if you aren't doing anything please drop by and see if you like what we have in mind. Marymount University- tonight. J and myself yet again. 9:55- May 13th. Love Richmond. I gotta put some more stuff on this list, but the summer is a time for lovin', let Tyler share some with you.

I have God of War 2.... YEAH BITCH.

Jimmy Meritt, your a patriot. Reading your blogs has always been a pleasure, do what you do baby.

Jermaine says that I ramble less now that I don't smoke. Catch 22 people, Catch 22.

I need to do this a lot more regularly, so let me save some for tomorrow. Laters.....

Just wanted to say "Hello"

Has been a moment, hasn't it. Thank you to those that have contacted me in the past few weeks and I really do appreciate that. Don't get me wrong, there were only a few, but they had words that I definitely needed to hear. I think I'm ready with new stuff to show off the whole me. But, enough talk I'll just have to show people.

On another note, let me follow up a story that I commented on a long time ago. My best friend Nelson was worried that he would be fired over a BLOG that he wrote where I said, among other things, that he would like to punch his boss in "The fucking throat". I wrote that he deleted that blog and not more than a couple weeks after that he was fired. I kills me that in this day and age someone can actually be let go for a BLOG. Sad.

Is Curt Shackelford's E-Mail Dead?......

When I was about 10, I hit my first homerun and when I connected with the ball, I shit. It was a lot of shit too. I ran the bases, then while everyone was still giving me congrats at home plate.... I just kept running home. Home was not anywhere close to where we were playing and my mother was in attendance too. Just a memory that makes me laugh that I thought I would share with you. Are we too mature to admit that shit is ALWAYS funny.

Well, for the three that care, I just wanted to blog and let them know I'm not dead and get ready for new shit...
By the way, at the DCAC this Sunday:
1. Sampson (host)
2. Jermaine Fowler
3. Tyler Sonnicshen
4. Tyler Richardson
5. Nick Mullen
6. Keith "The Comedian"
7. Travis Johnson
8. Marcus "DooDooh" Brown
9. Jason Weems

Just saw this lineup today, the arrogant side of me is looking at this order and saying "Fuck me". The humble part says the same fucking thing... I'm a dick. Bout' time I stopped pretending. I'm gonna have more fun with this comedy thing and look less seriously at it. Maybe next time I do something I'll be the shaft and not the bell end. If you don't get it, be glad.
To any new comics that are discouraged due to being unrecognized as funny, let these lyrics remind you that it doesn't matter how many opportunities pass you by, do you...
My words are weapons
I use 'em to crush my opponents
These words are weapons
I never did show no emotion
My words are weapons
I use 'em to kill whoever's steppin to me
My words are like weaponry on a record
Yo, the rage I release on a page
is like a demon unleashed in a cage
Lunatic, soon as I hit the stage
My mind is like a fuckin stick of dynamite
Onen I get behind the mic
it's like the wick is lit you bitches die tonight
My nine is like a guidin light at night shinin bright
My fuckin grip is tighter than my wife's vagina, psych
These cock-suckin cops got my Smith-N-Wesson...
I guess it's time to pick a different weapon, man the shit's depressin...
But my plan is to use this bullshit to my advantage
Shady stay creative baby hold your head up, don't you let up
one bit on these motherfuckin suckers you're a soldier +GET UP+
STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, LONG AS YOU BREATHIN
THEY JEALOUS OF YOU MAN THAT'S THE ONLY REASON THEY BEEFIN!

do what you do man, you know if it's funny or not....

Square One...

Well, where do I start? Lost the Improv showcase. By lost I mean that I didn't even place... AGAIN. Took me a little while to sort out what that might mean. Probably means that I'm not half as funny or a good joke writer that I thought I was. It was pretty confusing for me, not because I had any assumptions of what the other comics could or couldn't do onstage. But, more than anything I felt like I was so ready and there was no way that I could do it again and walk away empty handed. I spoke to Jermaine about it and he thought I was concerned with just getting more work. While that would be cool to work at the Improv, that is not at all why the showcase is a big deal to me. If I'm ever gonna get out of this area through comedy, I feel like I have to at least make good with the Improv. It's the IMPROV, and now I'm just some guy who can either realize that maybe I need to take up sewing, or start all over again. Haven't really felt too funny since. Maybe Joe Robinson has a point with the chart that he created almost a year ago. Just because you love something doesn't mean that your gonna be great at it. Some people are just made to appreciate what they love and not participate. I'm not really sulking, but I am a realist and that is sinking in more and more. Before I forget, congrats to Jason Weems, Nick Mullen, and Bigg Mike(that was the order of placing). And, how could I forget to mention how lovely Laura Prangley and Jessica Paquin looked on such a night. Oh, and just in case my testicles were about to come out from the Improv embarrassment, I'm certain that yet again I won't be coming to the DcComedyFest. Just a feeling... You know what, I'm still bitter so I'm gonna go. I'll get back when something positive can be said.

A Transmission....

This blog I wrote yesterday and sent to my good buddy Mr. S. at TDC producshizzels....

Hey everybody, it's Tyler Richardson again. It's been so long since we've had a sit down and I can barely remember what you look like anymore. Are you still beautiful? Did you grow your hair long? Remember how you used to shove a whole Snickers bar in your mouth and almost choke before you finally got it down your throat... good times. But, I come to you with a list of things that I think you need to see. Compile your own list and let someone important know all the things that you would do if you could. As for me, "If I could I would..."
1)Grab a peach and chuck it at the first pretty girl that I saw.
2)Surprise a homeless person with a million dollars.
3)Tell 13 year old Tyler to be a prick to girls at an earlier age...they like that.
4)Never listen to a single song by Shaggy.
5)Grow a ponytail just to be confused with a pimp.
6)Find out who wrote "Roll Bounce" and stab his dog.... and yes, then him.
7)Be the first person to own an iPhone.(cause they're f'n cool man)
8)Jump into Gears of War and start killing those mofos for real.
9)Own an Escalade and see if random ho's come out of nowhere to listen to rap music and let me pour Cristal down their bodies.
10)Same as #9 but a Bentley.... come on folks that just cool.
11)Get my mother to rap the lyrics to "Throw some D's" in it's entirety.
12)Date Queen Latifah to make Mo'Nique jealous. BBW's are in, baby!
13)Quit every bad habit that I have...except weed.
14)Travel back in time to stop Nick Cannon's birth. He's NOT funny, damnit.
15)Get a pool full of Beefaroni and tell no one.
16)Meet my Aunt who died before I was born, I hear that we're very alike.
17)Test to be an astronaut, I thought that the screening would catch someone like me...
18)See #9 again.... we're almost done.
19)Treat two specific women better than I did. They know who they are.
20)Keep my mother and grandmother alive forever cause I can't imagine the alternative.
21)Have time to watch the Matrix Trilogy then follow it with LOTR trilogy.
22)Balance my budget better.
23)Do Whores... who happen to have brought me free weed. YAY!

Well, that's one for every year that I've lived and the list was getting too long to keep people's attention. Hope you all have your own list brewing and I'll catch you laters....

Fruit Punch

Just thought I'd call this blog that since it's on my mind. I can't have any because it always seems to leave the mouth the same color as the drink. Same goes for Grape and Orange soda, which is cruel since it's in my genes to love both. Damn. Anyone else carry a toothbrush with them to work cause of how gross it feels to have stuff on your teeth during the work day. I'm weird like that I guess.
I really hate my boss. A lot, and Shawn should you ever read this I hope your reading from the grave baby. I only bring that up cause my BFF Nelson recently had quite the story involving his blog. Quick background: Nelson works for a formalwear company while finishing school at Marymount University. He had a couple people that are friends of his fired a couple weeks back for stealing and hook-ups. He did not snitch but naturally the situation was weird for him. Nelson gets angry very easily. He wrote an angry blog because of this. Since he was one of the few people that did not steal I can only imagine that he was their golden boy, and he's worked for them since high school. Now that your up to speed... Somehow his district manager gets wind of this blog and asks someone at the store if Nelson still in fact works there. This is before he actually read the blog for himself. Someone tells someone who tells someone else and it gets back to Nelson. He has the time to take it off the Myspace page and "to the best of our knowledge" it won't be retrieved. We'll see. It was weird when he told me about it cause he says "Well it wasn't really that bad til' the very end of the blog". He said that as I was reading it and honestly it wasn't. But, when I got to the last few sentences there were references to the following:
-Dropped management's names
-Expletives, oh my, there were expletives
-Threats of punching the District Manager in the mouth
-Joyful talk of them reading the blog and firing him so he could(see last note)
Oh it was something. Thank God it's off the myspace page. Bless you Nelson.

Ned Divine's tonight. Gotta get my shiggity together cause the 13th is creeping up like a child with a switchblade. This morning I was showering and it hit me "Damn, that's in like 11 days" how time flies. Well, I guess we'll do this again real soon, like Monday. Laters...

And so it is...

I just got off the phone with my Grandma... she's a saucy old girl, but I love her. Moving on then. I had the privilege of playing with a fellow comic who dabbles in Rainbow Six: Vegas, and needless to say I sucked like a whore who's going for employee of the month. But, he will soon find himself in a familiar land called Gears of War and that day will be a reckoning. I'll wait to see if I can beat that ass before I get my gloat on.
It's still very amusing to me that if you search purple sticky salvia or the lyrics to "At Last" I'm one of the first results on many a search engine. Like I'm some kind of junkie with a soft spot for Etta James.
I finally got my stuff out to the DCComedyFest so we'll see how that goes. I remember how pissed I was when I didn't get in last year, but if that happened again I think I could function for the rest of the day. But, make no mistake, I WANT IN.
I had some sex the other day...
Crank: F'in awesome movie and you need to check it out. Ignore the critics and just appreciate it for what it is. Adrenaline. He pulled Amy Smart's boob out in public and the bumped McNastys in front of a group of Asians. Just see the movie folks.
The Protector: Not as great as Ong Bak. Jaa has turned into the new Steven Segal, because I don't think I've ever seen so many broken arms. I watched it to see some serious knee action and instead I was left with a frown and medium wood. Don't see it unless it's free. Cable baby...
And now your moment of Zen....

That's my main man Max. You can call him Max the conqueror, Max the Destroyer, Pothead Max, or Davey. Whatever. Well, I think that does it for me and I'll be seeing you all on those mean streets of comedy. Laters...

So....

First let me say that it's weird to me how many people are searching for the lyrics to "At last my love has come along" I keep getting hits from people searching for that and finding nothing but mindless dribble. If you are one of these people "Hi." and now on to other things...
Saw the list for the Improv competition(oh really) Yep(how'd it look, ya nervous?) Familiar faces(your nervous)...(you know you make this thing out to be way too big of a deal) Yeah, but I can't help that( weed ) ...I think I need to hit these open mics really hard and be ready this time(weren't you ready last time) I thought I was but looking back, no.(Yeah, but hindsight is 20/20, change the topic) O.K.
Dear Fox,
My name is Deaven Tyler Richardson. I am writing in regards to your television show "24". How dare you. How dare you air a show like that and expect me to live out the rest of my week as though I've just watched some T.V. show. It's an experience, and the only reason that I'm ruling out suicide by cop is because I'll miss next Monday's episode. Shame on you. And if I may make a suggestion, how about the next time you make us wait for a year and a half, just release it on DVD and throw some commercials in there. I promise that 9 time out of 10 I'll watch the commercials. Thank you for your time.

Tyler Richardson

Okay everyone, I think I can go now. Laters......

Snow Day!

And I'm at work... shit. I wish I was a kid again. Didn't have a scraper handy so this morning I took a highlighter and punched very strategic holes in the ice that covered my back window in the COROLLA. G.H.E.T.T.O! So, today instead of a normal-ish blog I thought I'd give you something with a little more kick to it. And because I love it, I'm adding a video that touches me and I think it will touch everyone else.... it's my dick in a box.


There is more beauty out there then we know.
The world isn't always dark and cold.
Help a stranger and see how good it feels.
Toss a friend some unexpected money to pay their bills.
Karma my friends is the slutty sister of Jesus(to be pronounced in Spanish please)
so when everyone is gathered and you have all the doors locked
Pull them together and show them... "It's my dick in a box"!

I'm a posse

Well hello everyone... It's been a moment and let me start out with something I noticed in 24 the other day. Kal Penn's character is a kid who's father gets taken to a detention camp for nothing other than racial profiling. The problem is that when racist neighbors decide to beat his ass for a terrorist/terrorist's kid, a neighbor steps in to save him. Later, you find out that Kal is indeed a terrorist and the first thing that popped in my mind was "man, this is giving some people a reason to assault Arabic people the next time something horrible happens." Hopefully people will be a little more intelligent than to reference a TV show when getting ready to commit a crime, but you never know these days. I still love the show though. I also love Kal(Kumar) Penn. The man is sexy and nothing can stop that.
I was reading some blogs related to groups of friends and comedy. Let me be brief yet speak for myself. "I personally have no ill feelings towards anyone that is more successful than me in comedy. I root for all of us, and as I've said before, the sooner someone establishes themselves, the sooner people can remember someone else's name. Might not be the best way to put it, but I'm not hating on anyone who's gotten a little/a lot more than me." Jimmy Merritt and Andy Haynes both talked about it in their blogs and made very good points. I myself wished to be a part of the elite, but I guess that is an admittance of not being happy with what I've accomplished over the past year. And I'm sure that we all wish that we could do a little better until we reach our goals. And, then you have to look at people like Jimmy who've just busted their ass all on their own and proved that it really doesn't matter who you associate with but how much you keep pushing and promoting yourself. Maybe a year from now I'll have worked at the places I want(in the area) but for anyone newer than myself, don't be hateful. And don't ever let another comedian hear you bash someone or complain about something you can't really change. You won't change anything and you put yourself out there to be judged. New people really shouldn't burn any bridges and we must all pay our dues. I think part of the thrill of walking into a open mic and being able to get on the list right away, is probably thinking back to when you had to come and maybe you got on(most times you didn't). I wouldn't know cause I'm no superstar, but if you never earn anything then you certainly can't appreciate it the same can you? I always dug Jimmy's blog cause more times than not, he's trying to help people through his blog and make things a little easier on people newer than himself. In my own way I hope that people could read some of my blogs the way that I read his when I started and take something away from it. From my bad experiences, to bringer shows, to unprofessional that never really gets spoken of, and keeping my mouth shut sometimes... And should anyone have a question(and decide to ask a Tyler Richardson, instead of much more established comic) I would be happy to give what answers I can. Cause I still remember the people who were all to happy to answer whatever stupid question I had and I respect that about them.
I'm going to the Reef tonight cause it sounds like all kinds of fun. I really get hard over the thought of something other than a traditional open mic. I dig that Andy had the Scrot(as in scrotum) to get that mutha off the ground and running. And no, I'm not on but this sounds like so much fun to watch how can I resist? Weed will help too, but when does it hurt. Well, I have people talking in my ear now(and reading over my shoulder which I HATE) so I'll get back to ya'll tomorrow and hopefully all will be sexy. Laters....

An evening of faces

So, Saturday I went to Ned Divine's and had a blast. Instead of being on the huge stage downstairs, there was some private get together and so we rocked it upstairs for the evening. Seaton Smith was our headliner, and now the list of sexy performers in it's entirety:
Kojo Mante-Hosted that bad mutha
Andy Haynes
A little me in there
Ryan Conner
Rory Scovel
and of course Rob Maher was there.
At one point I was downstairs smoking and someone called for everyone in the party to turn to them while they toasted. It was as though they said "Everyone turn and get together so that outsider is by himself within a 20 ft.. Radius" cause that's what happened. I quickly finished that cigarette. And for anyone who missed Reggie Bush being folded in half, that shiz was awesome. Google it baby, google it.
So then it was off to the Laughing Lizard, where Tyler S. makes happy possible. Kojo and Andy joined me on the drive that would otherwise be very boring. I didn't even get lost on the way there. And, that my friends is proof that weed can't completely ruin your memory if you really want to remember. Now if you ask me how to work a lawnmower, I probably won't wanna remember that. Get it. So we arrive and meet all the sexy folks that Alexandria had to offer. Bear with my memory but let me name drop what I can remember... Herbie Gill was there and for some reason, he, Jason Weems, Kojo, and myself all had on very similar clothes. Black on our torsos, generally a leather jacket, and jeans preferably with black shoes. It was the black uniform of the evening. The Merritts were also there for the show. Always lovely to see them and Jimmy was sans tie... I felt betrayed. By the way Leslie "Love tha Do!" She knows what I mean. I met Ayanna Dookie, and though I was pretty drunk, I don't think I made a good impression. The term "ice grillin' me" comes to mind when I think back on that. But, no hard feelings. Aparna was there and this is what went down when she made her presence known. "Aparna, Oh my God! Get the FUCK out of my way Tyler. Geez. Oh, so how are you Aparna?" That was a little exaggerated but now I know better than to stand in between her and everyone else. It was embarrassing. But, she did let me kiss the rings too, so I love her. Mike Way had on quite the outfit. The only thing I remember is Herbie joking about how he looked like he had on the inside of his Jacket's liner. But when Mike smiles... all is forgiven. *that my friends, is to be interpreted as gay, and thus fulfilling an oath that I swore to a man who saved my life. And asked for so precious little* Ahem... now where were we. Ah yes, so I was drunk. I had a lot to eat and honestly the first thing that popped in my mind when I woke was "Man I remember using my ShareCheck a lot". That's a bad thing. Well, I think I'm gonna be going. So, til' next time, Laters...

Word to Mutha!

Well, it's Thursday... not too much you can say positive about those. I've been focused on rewriting my jokes and it's coming along rather cool. Roger Mursick gave me some advice on Saturday and that was one of the things that he stressed to me, so I'm keeping it very much in mind. By the way, that's a cool ass guy. He was very approachable and just cool in general. Plus, he decided to spare a few moments of his life to chat about nothing with me, and since he's a pro I definitely appreciated it. Cause who is Tyler Richardson anyway, right? I was thinking of doing my next show in black face... that's a joke.
When I was taking Jermaine Fowler home on Monday morning(as in 2:00 am.) I couldn't help but notice that while you allowed to buy alcohol at any hour of the day in Maryland, good luck finding it. We went to just about 7 or 8 7-elevens and random liquor shops to find something(Miller Lite) and to my chagrin, there was no beer in any of the places that were open. That's just a slap in the teeth. Like allowing smoker's in your establishment, but having no ashtrays. Only alcohol I was gonna find was rubbing alcohol and I don't take shots very well. Plus that's gross.
Here is a product that you need to check out, the iPhone. www.apple.com this thing is gonna change cell phones forever and I wonder if it will be necessary to have a regular iPod once this hits the ground. But, it's only a Cingular phone so a lot of us will have to jump ship. I know that I'll be one of the millions. And now for one more tidbit... Purple Sticky Salvia. If you don't know what this is then you are like I was until a couple days ago. I will only say that it is a perfectly legal hallucinogen. I have not tried it, so I can't tell you what it was like for me. But, it's legal for those who are adventurous. And cheap like weed, but available for a lot less if you want a small amount. www.purplestickysalvia.com You can buy this stuff online or at any Headshop that you can find near you. If you do try it, comment and tell me what that was like, or e-mail to remain anonymous. Laters...

And so it goes...

Hello everybody, it's been a few days since we've talked and shame on me for that. This weekend was a little busy for me I guess but I had my friend Jermaine Fowler with me to make sure that everything was okay. Saturday could have gone better for me at the Hyatt but I can't look back... I guess. I'll give it a 6 out of 10 and remember that I'm pretty bias when it comes to my sets. So it could have really been a 4.5, but that's neither here nor there. But, I did get to watch Rory and Ryan rip that bitch to pieces on Saturday so I guess it was worth it to get to watch those guys and not have to pay $5 like everyone else. Now, Sunday on the other hand was beautiful for Tyler. 9:55 is a cool ass club and I generally find it frequented by cool ass folks. I love being back down in Richmond since I don't get to go back down to VCU often. Jermaine rocked it and will be back to terrorize that town very soon and I'm gonna give myself a 8.5-9 on that evening. That's bold of me to say that I crushed so instead a modest(ified) it down. And yeah, that's not a word, but I felt that I needed to create one at that peticular time. Funny thing is that the internet said that I was headlining so I was freakin' out cause I can't entertain for an hour yet. There is a huge difference between talking for a hour and giving a performance that feel is worthy of people's time for an hour. But, luckily when I arrived I was greeted with a quick "sorry the internet was wrong, you're still the feature act." And boy, was I relieved. Feb. 13th- Improv Competition part Duex. The comics from Richmond were cool as always so let me throw out a shout to Odyssey Michaels and Neil Constantine. Both should be at Wiseacres this week, I believe, to rock that open mic and get some work with the Comedy Cartel. Mr. Michaels had a very interesting conversation with me about the website that I own. For those unfamiliar: www.funnynegro.com Don't go there cause it's not done or running, but I do own it. I asked him how he felt cause, well, he's more established than a Tyler Richardson... my worst fears for the name immediately came true. He didn't like it for reasons of professionalism, and possibly setting black back 50 years. Plus, I'm not urban and that name might make other people think differently. So, if you have a recommendation please feel free to send it on down. Feb. 13th- DC Improv(and yeah, this is subliminal messaging) Sat. I'm swingin' by the ol' Ned Divine's to kick some of that ol' funky shizzy. Okay people, I feel drained and unless I think of a second blog for today, see ya laters....

And we're back!

Finally a new year. I've really been looking forward to the possibilities of this year so I'm super siked that it's arrived. And yeah, that last sentence was to be read aloud as Big Gay Al from South Park. I really haven't done too much lately and feel like a fat turd for that. I can't remember the last time I wrote a joke that stuck and felt worthy of the stage. Maybe soon, I mean I have been smoking a lot of something that is normally quite the muse. Maybe stopping will produce something... other than rage towards others for no reason. Saturday I get to do the beloved Hyatt again and that's cool. Sunday I get to go to Richmond and soak up some good ol' VCU rays. I dig that too.
*Side Note: I am currently having a cinnamon ball that tastes surprisingly like Shrooms. That's not a good thing and it's kind of making it hard to finish this thing. Back to normal then...*
Is it Wednesday already? Man. I saw the footage from the phone of Saddam's death, and let me just say, I was appalled. It was awful. Movies glorify the hanging of people and don't get as ugly as the 2 seconds you can make out that his neck is stretched like taffy. His shirt was like a foot left of his nose. But, at the same time, I can't stop watching it. It kind makes me feel old cause when I was a kid I remember he was like Hitler. We had a war, he was still on the loose, and then every show I watched took a cheap shot at him. Now, don't get me wrong the man was evil and ruthless, however.... I feel a little sympathy for him cause it shouldn't have been him we we're watching get executed. I feel like we all wanted Osama and settled for Saddam. Everyone mentions that there were no Weapons of MASS DESTRUCTION, and yet we came and dug him up to kill him and, oh, by the way "You killed a bunch of people back in 1982" and the funny yet sad part of it is, those people botched an attempt to assassinate him! But, there are a lot of details not said and yeah, he did kill a lot more people than that too... moving on. I believe that my dog Max has taken a shit in my bed or something and I just can't find it. We'll talk later people. Enjoy the time we spend apart...