From the mouths of babes....

Yesterday was cool cause I decided to catch up on some much needed nightmaring. Unfortunately, all that sleep meant “Jack $#!T” to me when I hit the sleep button 4 times this morning. Damn Transformers for coming on late on a Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. Should be illegal, who can just turn the channel when Shia Lebouf is on?!

People who don’t answer the phone when I call don’t get answered when they return the call. Immature, yes, but that’s justice…. Street justice. I hope to God they don’t have anything important to tell me, cause I don’t listen to most of my voicemails. That’s just because I believe in anarchy and to be a slave to my machine would be hypocrisy. (Tyler then realized his entire existence was “falling in line” and he’d become the puppet that sickened him to the core. He picked up his monitors and threw them at the prettiest woman he could see, just to destroy something beautiful. Defecating into his own hand, he began shaking his fist, and $#!T, at people and running down the hall. Eventually security cornered him and he was forced to jump out of the window and make his way to the forest. No one dared chase him, the woods were his now. He would return one day to lead the great people of earth to victory against the machines. But that’s another story for another time… isn’t it?)

If you have Soul Caliber IV and think you’ve got skill, come find me… Devo2021

Am I ready for a relationship? I don’t know… I still taste like no, but I look like sure. Oh, if only I could touch “I’ll give it a shot”.

“Kiss my black @ss”- Eminem

It’s a woman’s birthday on my floor. Just a thought, but how would it go over if I walked over there and slapped her to the ground?

Hitting women is not… never mind, I’m no gentleman.

After listening to both Graduation from Kayne West and Curtis by 50 Cent I feel confident they should both head over to VH1 and take some lessons from Farnsworth Bentley. That n*gga’s got juice kid!!!!

Show for minors at iNova hospital in Fairfax tonight!!! I have no idea who will be there, but here’s my guess: Anupuma, Molsberg, TRich (if you can’t say it, just call me Tyler… Eli) and other kind hearted souls. I actually enjoy the laughter of children very much, so why is it that outside of the hospital I can’t f*cking stand them?

Craig David has a song where he refers to himself as “The Booty Man”. The hilarious part of the song to me is that he does it as though he’s in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. “Who can something something… The Booty Man can. The Booty Man Can…” When I heard that for the first time the other day I was drinking a soda. I nearly lost the soda cause that’s just funny to me.

Babygirl likes to dance, she told me she couldn’t imagine me dancing. I told her it involves a lot of hands. Then I began to move like I was crushing a coconut with my bare hands, but with rhythm. She walked away, I’d like to think that she didn’t want to see anymore previews, she was too anxious for the feature film… that’s what I tell myself.

Nelson and I basically have the entire “Yes” song down pat. I don’t care how gay it looks, I still laugh just as hard as I did the first time I saw it.

2008 is almost done, I’ve almost been doing this thing here for 3 years… and I haven’t had a tomato thrown at me while performing. Fozzy must have been terrible, they threw $#!T at him EVERY time. And who thought a $#!TTY comic puppet was a great character that children could relate to?! Who knew they’d be right? Muppet Babies B*tch!

THE PLAN TO RUN ELI SAIRS’ REPUTATION INTO THE GROUND Day 23:
Monday night Mr. Sairs explained his racist mentality “I would never date ____s, I think it’s because of their faces”. You heard it hear first people, Eli Sairs, baby rapist… I mean racist. More info to come, he’ll f*ck up, and when he does I wanna be there to smear $#!T in his hair. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Nails are getting too long, better cut them. People will think I do coke. And I don’t.

A co-worker just asked me a question that I couldn’t answer, it was out of my grasp. I sent her away with this “A machete solves a lot of problems… but not this one”. Yeah, I like being THAT guy at work.

Just got The Dark Knight on my (Nelson’s old iPod, but now he has an iPod touch) iPod. Before jealousy makes you bitter, keep this in mind. I saw that movie 3 times, have any of you paid for admission three times, I you have kudos. But remember this, jealousy is a tattered coat that wreaks of urine, never wear it in my presence.

The scariest place I can imagine being lost: Transsexual Transylvania. Oh God.

Speaking of which, there is supposedly a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Without Tim Curry I do not see what will attract people to that movie. He was to that film what Heath Ledger was to The Dark Knight. Best of luck with that.

Is Eric Clapton dead yet? Better yet, is Paul Simon still alive? He honestly made me believe that Chevy Chase could sing. Trickery…

No has cared about the Olympics since the Black Panthers won. Why is the world still pretending. I don’t want anyone else to ask me if I caught ___ cause ____ is boring. Bring back killing for sport and I just might watch in 2012.

I just ate a slice of pineapple that tasted like a Flea Market. Oh God. Oh Wolf.

Normally this would all be incoherent babble, but apparently some people are reading this and not skimming. For you guys I have a special phrase “Shut your eyes and open your mouth, here comes your chocolate mantasy”. Naturally, you’ll probably change the chocolate part (the only black comic I knew that read this was Mike Way, oh and Kojo) but the trick is to see how many times you can use that in a week. Yesterday I actually got to use the line “That smells like Chinese Democracy”, I was referring to the Guns N’ Roses album that has been schedule for over a decade. Nelson thought I was talking politics, and laughed at what democracy would smell like in China. Maybe when we’re old and gray we’ll find out.

Jimmy and Sean, I’m almost done with the Watchmen. I couldn’t read yesterday or it would’ve felt like a waste of my sick day. But I’m very anxious to know what parts you’re talking about Jimmy. $20 people, that’s all it takes to kiss Jesus… by buying the Watchmen.

“As you know, I don’t hang around the house much. This whole world of money making got me out of touch and shit I ain’t flashed a smile in a long while…” – 2Pac

Every time I heard that line in Until the End of Time I always thought back on the very last part. We see smiles all the time but how often are you smiling in life? Honestly, before this woman I’ve grown fond of, I can’t really remember what made me smile. Find something that makes you happy. You’re smile depends on it.

I think that’s quite enough for today, if you feel it was too short watch yesterday’s video. Then repeat, then get the dance moves right. Then call and see what I’m doing Saturday morning and if I can meet you to make a response video that would make our mothers cry. Yeah…

Laters