Weekend about women

Well it was quite the weekend. Busy, though I had nothing to do with comedy. Let’s go back and start from the beginning.

On Friday Babygirl and I became, nothing. Sometimes you lose, but honestly it does feel better to have focused attention on someone for a little while. It’d been so long since my ex, I almost thought I wanted nothing to do with women. No homo. So, determined to have fun on Friday I set out to my friend Stu’s place. Before I stepped out the door, he told me that my girlfriend MJ would not be able to attend. That puts a halt to that plan. Called Bernie to get together and come up with a plan like we used to. While waiting Nelson comes home, that makes three of us. Then comes the call… it’s my friend Josh’s sister with a proposition. She tells me that I should go to this club with her and a friend that is “hot”. Naturally, I don’t believe Shelly until the friend begins to chime in from the background. She sounds hot! But we all know that the first thing ugly people learn is to be attractive on the phone. I have nothing else going for so I’m actually considering this. “I believe I said the words, I’m not coming unless I’m getting laid” (this will come back into play shortly). Bernie gets there and thus the trickery begins. Shelly is married, we have known Shelly for over a decade, Bernie is Shelly’s dream man. He would not come out with Nelson and I if he knew Shelly was going to be there. So, I tell him I’m being set up with a girl (26 but I still call her a girl) and her friend will be there. He actually seems enthused and asks about the other friend (Shelly). “She’s gross, you wouldn’t like her, but there’ll be tons of women there” I think I played it off smoothly. We finally head out after much resistance, plus I won a last minute game of rock, paper, scissors. We got lost right near the club and Shelly calls wondering where we were. Bernie didn’t put two and two together until we walked up and Shelly met us outside with her FINE friend. I was shocked, not only that but I could tell she liked what she saw right off the bat. Could just be a good night after all…

When we get inside everyone sits down to grab a drink and chat. I should mention that Shelly told me she had a hook up with the bartender. This hook up only applied to her, I guess cause I only got one Miller Lite for free-zies. I go to the bar and since the “fine friend” and I hit it off I ask her to join me. She says “yes”, on the way to the bar she stops at these two guys’ table and begins to chat. She’s not my girl so I walk on and wait about 10 minutes to get my beer. When I got back she explained that she looked for me but lost me in the crowd after saying some words to those guys. It’s cool to me, then the bomb gets dropped…. “I’m Married”- Fine Friend that TRich is there to bang. I’m pretty speechless at that point, then she adds “See those two guys over there? Those are my husband’s friends that are also Marines, so we have to be careful”… What would you do? Exactly, so the night goes on and she can’t seem to keep her arms off me. Every time she touches me, I turn around and sneak a peek at those guys. They must not have been good friends cause at one point she was feeding me (don’t judge me, she was fine) and they didn’t even blink. Bernie and Nelson pulled me aside for the “talk”, “Are you crazy, you’re gonna get your @ss whipped over some married woman” was among many sides of their argument. To be honest, as much as I really wanted to bang this “woman”, I’m not that guy. My life has been very drama free for about two years and it would be stupid to give up my peace for “a peace”.

Eventually, it’s time to go and the girls are ready to leave with us. Shelly forgot something and like a good friend “Mrs. Promiscuous” is by her side to run get it and head back to our place. When they walked away Bernie, Nelson and I all looked at each other and gave “the nod”. We gleefully laughed as we ran back to the car and sped out of the parking lot. I didn’t really pay much attention to my phone for the rest of the night, but I had to laugh when I saw I missed a text message from Shelly at about 3:30 am. It read “My friend wants to know why you aren’t interested in her?” Classic.

Saturday I woke up around “tha crack of noon”. Kevin and I decided that since there was nothing better to do, why not get good and drunk? Lots of Vodka and orange juice later, it’s 3:30 pm and we’re piss f*ckin drunk. Not proud of it, but we laughed about that fact pretty hard. I dragged his sleeping @ss off the bathroom floor like it was 2 am in a party. We crashed at about 4-ish, then I woke up at 8. It was his brother calling to ask if I’d seen him. I told him that he was sleeping only, when I got off the phone I realized that he was not sleeping or even in the apartment. As drunk as I was, and I drink ALL the time, he drank more than I did. How could he safely have driven anywhere before I’d even woke up?! I was actually concerned cause deep down… I’m sof(t). We’ll get back to more about Kevin, but let’s get to my Saturday night.

Side note: I watched some Olympic marathon for a little bit. A British woman was beating a fleet of African women. One African tried to jump out in the lead and caught a cramp after holding the lead for 40 seconds. The look on her face when that leg started acting funny was priceless. Imagine you’re eating and you suddenly realize that you’re urinating. Something like that… back to Saturday.

I call a friend and ask about MJ, he has no idea where she’ll be but tells me to meet him at the Claredon Ballroom. If you have no idea how much I detest people who hang out in bars and clubs you might think this is a regular weekend. So, I get ready to head out to Arlington. Who should call? A woman that I was “with” about a year ago who, for some reason, thinks we’re friends. I’m willing to converse for a while since I’m getting ready and driving up there. I’ll say anything to get off the phone, most people are probably like me. “Alright, well let me let you go, but tomorrow we should get together. (she laughs) Nah, it doesn’t have to be like that. Just hang out or something (she finally lets me get off the phone)” little did I know that too would come back into play.

I get to a part of Arlington I’m familiar with and decide to park, at the Ballston Commons Mall parking garage. If you aren’t already saying “$#!T you parked far” just know that I walked about 11 blocks to get to Claredon Ballroom. There was a line around the corner when I got there… I was not too please but what are you gonna do? I made conversation with some girl in front of me who was waiting for a lot of friends to meet her. With my friends standing at the door waiting for me, cause there was no way I was going to find them in there (it was f*ckin nuts in there). I hand the guy at the door my license and he says to me “Got any I.D. that ain’t expired?” My license is not expired but when I renewed my license online the DMV sent the new one to my old address. Either way it clearly shows I’m 25 and not 20. I didn’t explain any of this to him, but I do have a piece of paper that proves I renewed my license, where is the paper you ask? In my car, 11 blocks (10 minutes) and then back again. Lord knows if he actually would’ve let me skip the line. By this time it was almost 1:30 am and definitely not worth it. I slowly walked back and called Nelson.

Kevin was still M.I.A. and Nelson was actually concerned now. Did I mention that he left his cigarettes? When you know someone to be a chain smoker like this man, you know they wouldn’t just leave a pretty full pack and their lighter on the couch. Not both, maybe one. I call and give a pretty angry message about how a text message would be nice, and how he’s the reason people scream “Bros before Ho’s”. Then I finally head home.

I wake up on Sunday at about “tha crack of noon” and take my dog for a walk, the type of walk that looks like a run. When I get back and try to relax, I get a text message “Just woke up, will call when I’m on my way”. It’s the woman from last night, she remembered and plans to make me waste some of my Sunday. Sunday is a day of mourning for me. The weekend is over as soon as I open my eyes on Sunday morning, nothing left to do but cry til’ I go back to sleep. I don’t even like to leave the house. And, how does she remember where I live?! When she called I was playing video games, I didn’t answer. Instead I text back “At my mom’s house, how long are you in the area?” (yeah, she traveled a little ways to see me) hoping she would turn around. Instead she replies with “Let’s meet in a couple of hours”… Ugh. Fine, you got me, I’ll shower and get dressed. Those were two very short hours, every five minutes I checked the clock and it was always 15 minutes closer (math whiz). Nelson comes home when I have a half an hour left. I inform him that Kevin’s fine, I spanked him at Soul Caliber IV earlier that afternoon. Then it hits me, I can use Nelson to cut the date short and get back home without being forced into “physical interaction”.

The plan was to say Nelson went to my mom’s house with me, he’s family anyway. The third wheel always makes it awkward, unless you ignore them which I wasn’t gonna do. I’d say that “I have just enough time get home and get ready before I had to go ____” and wallah… back at home mourning my weekend. The plan went down just as I planned, I had her meet me at Applebee’s cause I didn’t feel like cleaning the place and how easy is it to say “Let’s go to the bedroom”. She had already eaten at Boston Market, and doesn’t like to drink when she has a good lil’ drive ahead of her. Nelson and I got a Bahama Mama ( Nelson said it’s the best he’s ever had) and a big @ss Mudslide (It was strong, I think the bartender liked me) and split one of their Trio meals. She ate nothing and drank water, I found it hilarious but had to wait til’ we got to the car to laugh… hard. When it was FINALLY time to say “good-bye” she shook Nelson’s hand and then I walked her to the car. Men, how many times have you said good-bye to someone that you don’t want anything physical from and prayed they don’t try to make out with you? How many times have you rushed to hug just as a pre-caution? Then laugh with me, cause that was the quickest hug she’s ever received. With this cologne, that should be a crime (man, that was arrogant, but they say I’m sexy now).

Now, the weekend’s over and I wish I had it to do all over again. I would have banged that Marine’s wife. How do you like that? I’m scum!

Laters, all this $#!T was 100% true. I only wish I embellished some of it. I would’ve gotten some action…