I miss who my mother used to be, she was a lot like me when she was younger. Just a sample:
1) In the early 90’s my mother would sing “I got Jungle Fever, you got Jungle Fever, we got Jungle Fever, we’re all in love!” whenever we were in close proximity of an interracial couple.
2) To wake me up in the morning my mom would pull the comforter and sheets off the bed and go running out of the room with them. Aside from being horrifically could, I got to enjoy her maniacal laughter as she ran down hallways and steps.
3) Despite having purchased a new car, my mom would still pick me up from school in her 1988 Chevy Nova. Just to f*ck with me.
4) She would intentionally scoop out the Strawberry from my Neapolitan Ice Cream. She, of all people, knows how much I despise that!
5) During “bad” parts of R rated movies, she would give me a “human blanket”. Though the sex scene was long over, I think she just thoroughly enjoyed smothering me.
6) One day she spanked me for no reason whatsoever and she STILL won’t admit it. Did I mention I was made to strip and lie on the floor? Face down, ass up…
7) Anytime “Doin’ the Butt” came on she would stop the radio, even though I told her how much I hated the song. I’d like to believe she’d still let it play if it came on today.
8) My mom was the first person to show me tickles can last WAY too long and grow painful. But if I bit her to make her stop, I was grounded?!
9) I think she got a kick out of anticipating a slap. Example: I trimmed the yard one day and edged too closely. She was pissed and yelled at me in the car while we headed somewhere. She stopped yelling and waited about 3 minutes, meanwhile I look out the window. POP! Then she went right back to murmuring about her yard under her breath. Funny to me now, terrifying to me at the time. It’s all in the timing.
10) Mom, and years later my Grandmama, enjoyed putting great presents underneath a lot of clothes in a big box… like video games (which surprising slip into almost anything). Just to see the disappointment and then the sudden joy of “you got me” written all over my face. I’ll never forget the year that all I wanted was WCW vs. NWO World Tour, they got me all this stuff I didn’t ask for and on the last gift I was heartbroken. Then, inside a box made to hold a sweater, and underneath the paper inside was the corner of the box. I’m sure we’ve all seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, well I ran completely around my neighborhood just like Charlie did when he found his golden ticket. Straight to Nelson’s house to brag and compare how our Christmas mornings went. Memories… oh well, onto my blog then.
Today my team is heading to Fuddruckers to eat lunch, there were classier choices but how did we end up there you ask? Deception and a little thing Will Ferell once called “strategery”. There was a vote from the six of us. Three women eat lunch everyday and really wanted to eat at some place nice, I on the other hand do not care for Italian. The three younger people in group, include myself, a very picky friend and Azad (he’s the man so his name is the only way to describe his behavior). When the e-mail vote took place two of the women made a mistake, one voted Italian for her first choice and Cheesecake Factory for her second and the second woman voted Vice Versa. I chose to huddle to the younger team members. “We all have to vote the same way, they f*cked up” (what’s weird is when I curse at work I do it muted but they can still see my lips, a friend told me it’s still inappropriate but I don’t believe them… nah, I know it is). So Fuddruckers was where we decided and you could tell they weren’t too pleased. Ah, the simple joys of being an asshole…
Too Picky: While making eyes with a woman this morning, my friend Cassaundra asked if I was going to speak to her. I explained that we met awhile ago and she was very nice, and d*ckable. I let it go and forgot her name because she was too skinny. Where do I get the nerve?! I hope Max (my dog, I’m not gay) is ready to snuggle tonight.
It is hilarious to me the political and sports related blogging that comedians in this area are throwing out there. I’m bored and want to laugh, DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO EDUCATE ME WHILE MY MIND ROAMS!!!! And, for the sake of the wolf, would one of you Anonymous people start commenting on DCC4N’s blog again. It doesn’t have to be $#!T talk but that was when I was most excited to read a blog. I know the topics are generally Improv (troupe) related or just plain irrelevant but say something darn it! Come Monday I expect to be in stitches, or at least checking what new comments have been made every 10 minutes. Get it together people, stay focused! (I’d like that last sentence to be read as though you were doing Jim Carrey’s interpretation of The Grinch) ;)
When did it become official that it’s inappropriate for guys to make smiley faces and things? Now I just find myself doing them because I know people secretly judge me… and that’s how I get off.
I once made a point that no matter how bad you think your nuts stink other people cannot smell them when you are at a urinal. Apparently, that statement is false. Whenever it’s come up in conversation (interestingly enough it does) all the guys acknowledge that they’ve had times when they were self conscience of others smelling their dangly parts. But, they’ve always agreed that they have never walked in a restroom with someone who had stinky nuts so bad they smelled them from their urinal. While talking to my ol’ friend Charlie (he supplied this blog with a poem about a year ago, oh God, I’m old) he confessed that he was at a urinal and someone gave him a look that let him know he smelled the NUTS. And Charlie also shared that he could recall smelling another man’s nuts when walking into a restroom. I cannot even imagine what another man’s nuts would smell like since I like to believe we’re all special… but what if it had a hint of cheese or something. Ask a woman if they all have different twang to them or if it’s pretty unanimous. Back to the point though, be aware, other men can smell your nuts! Run out and get a good supply of Gold Bond. You never know which guys could be friends with a woman you’re interested in and whisper “You don’t want that guy, his nuts smelled like a hug that lasted long”
Okay comics, friends, ex’s, people who stumbled on a funny photo, blog hoppers and ladies… I’m spent.
Laters, have a very safe THREE DAY WEEKEND!
1) In the early 90’s my mother would sing “I got Jungle Fever, you got Jungle Fever, we got Jungle Fever, we’re all in love!” whenever we were in close proximity of an interracial couple.
2) To wake me up in the morning my mom would pull the comforter and sheets off the bed and go running out of the room with them. Aside from being horrifically could, I got to enjoy her maniacal laughter as she ran down hallways and steps.
3) Despite having purchased a new car, my mom would still pick me up from school in her 1988 Chevy Nova. Just to f*ck with me.
4) She would intentionally scoop out the Strawberry from my Neapolitan Ice Cream. She, of all people, knows how much I despise that!
5) During “bad” parts of R rated movies, she would give me a “human blanket”. Though the sex scene was long over, I think she just thoroughly enjoyed smothering me.
6) One day she spanked me for no reason whatsoever and she STILL won’t admit it. Did I mention I was made to strip and lie on the floor? Face down, ass up…
7) Anytime “Doin’ the Butt” came on she would stop the radio, even though I told her how much I hated the song. I’d like to believe she’d still let it play if it came on today.
8) My mom was the first person to show me tickles can last WAY too long and grow painful. But if I bit her to make her stop, I was grounded?!
9) I think she got a kick out of anticipating a slap. Example: I trimmed the yard one day and edged too closely. She was pissed and yelled at me in the car while we headed somewhere. She stopped yelling and waited about 3 minutes, meanwhile I look out the window. POP! Then she went right back to murmuring about her yard under her breath. Funny to me now, terrifying to me at the time. It’s all in the timing.
10) Mom, and years later my Grandmama, enjoyed putting great presents underneath a lot of clothes in a big box… like video games (which surprising slip into almost anything). Just to see the disappointment and then the sudden joy of “you got me” written all over my face. I’ll never forget the year that all I wanted was WCW vs. NWO World Tour, they got me all this stuff I didn’t ask for and on the last gift I was heartbroken. Then, inside a box made to hold a sweater, and underneath the paper inside was the corner of the box. I’m sure we’ve all seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, well I ran completely around my neighborhood just like Charlie did when he found his golden ticket. Straight to Nelson’s house to brag and compare how our Christmas mornings went. Memories… oh well, onto my blog then.
Today my team is heading to Fuddruckers to eat lunch, there were classier choices but how did we end up there you ask? Deception and a little thing Will Ferell once called “strategery”. There was a vote from the six of us. Three women eat lunch everyday and really wanted to eat at some place nice, I on the other hand do not care for Italian. The three younger people in group, include myself, a very picky friend and Azad (he’s the man so his name is the only way to describe his behavior). When the e-mail vote took place two of the women made a mistake, one voted Italian for her first choice and Cheesecake Factory for her second and the second woman voted Vice Versa. I chose to huddle to the younger team members. “We all have to vote the same way, they f*cked up” (what’s weird is when I curse at work I do it muted but they can still see my lips, a friend told me it’s still inappropriate but I don’t believe them… nah, I know it is). So Fuddruckers was where we decided and you could tell they weren’t too pleased. Ah, the simple joys of being an asshole…
Too Picky: While making eyes with a woman this morning, my friend Cassaundra asked if I was going to speak to her. I explained that we met awhile ago and she was very nice, and d*ckable. I let it go and forgot her name because she was too skinny. Where do I get the nerve?! I hope Max (my dog, I’m not gay) is ready to snuggle tonight.
It is hilarious to me the political and sports related blogging that comedians in this area are throwing out there. I’m bored and want to laugh, DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO EDUCATE ME WHILE MY MIND ROAMS!!!! And, for the sake of the wolf, would one of you Anonymous people start commenting on DCC4N’s blog again. It doesn’t have to be $#!T talk but that was when I was most excited to read a blog. I know the topics are generally Improv (troupe) related or just plain irrelevant but say something darn it! Come Monday I expect to be in stitches, or at least checking what new comments have been made every 10 minutes. Get it together people, stay focused! (I’d like that last sentence to be read as though you were doing Jim Carrey’s interpretation of The Grinch) ;)
When did it become official that it’s inappropriate for guys to make smiley faces and things? Now I just find myself doing them because I know people secretly judge me… and that’s how I get off.
I once made a point that no matter how bad you think your nuts stink other people cannot smell them when you are at a urinal. Apparently, that statement is false. Whenever it’s come up in conversation (interestingly enough it does) all the guys acknowledge that they’ve had times when they were self conscience of others smelling their dangly parts. But, they’ve always agreed that they have never walked in a restroom with someone who had stinky nuts so bad they smelled them from their urinal. While talking to my ol’ friend Charlie (he supplied this blog with a poem about a year ago, oh God, I’m old) he confessed that he was at a urinal and someone gave him a look that let him know he smelled the NUTS. And Charlie also shared that he could recall smelling another man’s nuts when walking into a restroom. I cannot even imagine what another man’s nuts would smell like since I like to believe we’re all special… but what if it had a hint of cheese or something. Ask a woman if they all have different twang to them or if it’s pretty unanimous. Back to the point though, be aware, other men can smell your nuts! Run out and get a good supply of Gold Bond. You never know which guys could be friends with a woman you’re interested in and whisper “You don’t want that guy, his nuts smelled like a hug that lasted long”
Okay comics, friends, ex’s, people who stumbled on a funny photo, blog hoppers and ladies… I’m spent.
Laters, have a very safe THREE DAY WEEKEND!
4 comments:
Enjoyed the read, a very hilarious and thought-provoking post. I couldn't stop laughing during some parts - it was just that entertaining.
They're not allowing anonymous comments at DCC4N anymore, looks like.
Enough about improv, most of the posts aren't about anything...and that troubles me greatly.
I'm done reading it altogether.
Now, this was a fine post. Excellent stuff, T-Rich.
very glad to hear I didn't bore you guys. Much appreciated.
I have had the misfortune of smelling the nut-sack on a guy sitting 5 feet away from me and fully dressed. Thankfully no one you know, but the experience shall haunt me forever--is it not significant that I'm remembering it now nearly eight years later? For the record, my sense of smell is somewhat keener than the average male's, but I would like to submit that based on the aforementioned experience, the scenario of smelling balls at a urinal should be considered both possible and even probable depending on how long it has been since your last shower and/or tea bag.
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