This morning, Elliot from Elliot in the morning said the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard. “Barack Obama is black, he’s not half…” I’ve joked with friends about how the media calls him black and pretends not to acknowledge his FAMILY. But he actually silenced a woman while she argued how his mother and grandparents who raised him were white. Do I care if he’s half? No. But the fact that a Elliot (who I kind of worship) was so adamant about him only being black took me back to conversations with older black people throughout my life. “White people don’t care if you’re light skinned, mixed or whatever. If you have a drop of black in you, YOU ARE BLACK…” I’ve heard that statement or something very close to it all my life. Not that I’m naive and believe that racism is dead or even dying but it’s sad. It’s about as sad as the fact that they know Jesus Christ, a man from (f’ing) Jerusalem, was not white but I guarantee there is someone painting a picture of him white right now. He is not Santa Claus nor is he up to interpretation. He existed… sigh… I’m gonna move onto something that might not offend someone, like my topic of breast cancer awareness yesterday (wink). Woosa…
Steve Chandler just texted me that while working with Kriss Kross they were unforgiving… classic. Don’t worry about the build up to it or why he would reference them, just take a second to drink in that he pulled Kriss Kross out of his ass for you and I to laugh at. Ah, to be young.
Last night while watching the debate with my favorite Asian, I had a recurring thought. Every time I got up for more Gumbo, four days in a row now (I’m as regular as scheduled programming), I turned and could almost see some crazy man stand up and shout “Black Son of a B*tch!” and then a bomb goes off taking out both presidential candidates. It would be the craziest thing ever broadcast on television followed by JFK’s assassination and Janet Jackson’s Boob-meat. What scares the ever loving sweet crap out of me is that in a race between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden I think Biden would lose. Do we not recognize that Sarah Palin is the devil in a really hot cougar outfit. I’ve never seen her shower, love to, but never seen it. The Devil is afraid of water…
Which is less offensive? To ask your boss who they are voting for, or to break wind (my Granny still says that) while they are leaning over your shoulder? Becca, since you’re the only one that speaks up I’m looking your way. Anony’s, c’mon…
First question to ask God when I get to heaven: “God, why did you make some men have small penises? Was that necessary or were you just evening the playing field?”
I actually did something I’m not proud of last night. Nelson and I stole trash. While walking to our gym we saw a chair that looked straight out of IKEA and both wondered why someone threw that out. To set the record straight, we are completely opposed to that, and have money. But it looked so new we had to drag it into the light and get a better look once we were done with our workout. It checked out, we still took precautions though. We cleaned it, vacuumed it and let it set there. During the debate Nelson jumped over and sat on it to see if it was at least a little comfortable. He sat on it for literally 3 seconds. “It’s still wet, looked dry but … nope” he then got up and sat back on the couch. FLASH FORWARD: This morning I hear someone showering in the hall bathroom at about 5:30 am. I go back to sleep thinking our other friend Kevin actually came home (we haven’t seen him since last Thursday, could be dead except I keep seeing his car at work in the parking garage) last night. When it was finally time to wake up I opened my door to go get something. A scream from the bathroom “DON’T SIT ON THAT CHAIR!!!!” I wasn’t planning on it and told Nelson that. He says “I’ll tell you why in a second” he had been in the shower for the better part of an hour. When he came out he looked like he was wearing camouflage skin, hives all over. Apparently he’s allergic, or someone bought that chair just to play a cruel joke. Terrible way to start the day, luckily I did not sit on that chair even to test it out. So the trash chair experiment was a failure, and our upbringings should have taught us better than to take someone’s trash. We laughed about it as we ran from the compactor back to our place, I guess the chair got the last laugh. Don’t dig through trash people, it’s trash for a reason. Poor Nelson…lol… that wasn’t right.
There is a woman that walks by me everyday that has looked pregnant since I got here. I’ve finally given up that notion because she never has a bra on. That’s not motherly…
An analyst in my team would be a really attractive white woman if it weren’t for her “man hands”. All that ass, what a waste, though to be honest I’d still do her if her fiancé hadn’t just died. Baggage…
What does the PH stand for in NPH? “Patrick Harris” Common mistake, it actually stands for Poon Handler. –NPH, Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Boss lady bought the team Panera today. Is it wrong that all I can think about is fried chicken? … and P*ssy.
(an hour and half passes, for me to deliver the next real life story)
Coming back from lunch my friend Cassaundra and I are waiting for an elevator. Literally 12 people decide they want to cram in the first one to come along. I’m never that confident in my shower or deodorant that I want a stranger practically making out with me for four floors… a Christian not a whore. So we wait for the next elevator, and four people, including us get in. We all joke about the crowded elevator until ours stops at the 3rd floor to let 8 people in. Then we’re sardines just like those that gave us such a hardy laugh. They smelled like smoke and then the doors closed. It stops again at the 4th floor and no one gets off when the door opens… is someone else about to get on. When the doors opened up and we took a look around, it dawned on everyone that the MORBIDLY OBESE man standing near the button wanted on. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize the maximum load capacity (seriously, with that many people it was a sure bet that we were too heavy) or he saw the terror in everyone’s eyes, but he took a step back and let the doors close again. It was then the elevator burst into laughter. Who started the laughter… Cassaundra and I. Good times…
Gotta go, this whole Homegrown Comedy thing has really driven the blog views so… keep that going.
Laters
Steve Chandler just texted me that while working with Kriss Kross they were unforgiving… classic. Don’t worry about the build up to it or why he would reference them, just take a second to drink in that he pulled Kriss Kross out of his ass for you and I to laugh at. Ah, to be young.
Last night while watching the debate with my favorite Asian, I had a recurring thought. Every time I got up for more Gumbo, four days in a row now (I’m as regular as scheduled programming), I turned and could almost see some crazy man stand up and shout “Black Son of a B*tch!” and then a bomb goes off taking out both presidential candidates. It would be the craziest thing ever broadcast on television followed by JFK’s assassination and Janet Jackson’s Boob-meat. What scares the ever loving sweet crap out of me is that in a race between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden I think Biden would lose. Do we not recognize that Sarah Palin is the devil in a really hot cougar outfit. I’ve never seen her shower, love to, but never seen it. The Devil is afraid of water…
Which is less offensive? To ask your boss who they are voting for, or to break wind (my Granny still says that) while they are leaning over your shoulder? Becca, since you’re the only one that speaks up I’m looking your way. Anony’s, c’mon…
First question to ask God when I get to heaven: “God, why did you make some men have small penises? Was that necessary or were you just evening the playing field?”
I actually did something I’m not proud of last night. Nelson and I stole trash. While walking to our gym we saw a chair that looked straight out of IKEA and both wondered why someone threw that out. To set the record straight, we are completely opposed to that, and have money. But it looked so new we had to drag it into the light and get a better look once we were done with our workout. It checked out, we still took precautions though. We cleaned it, vacuumed it and let it set there. During the debate Nelson jumped over and sat on it to see if it was at least a little comfortable. He sat on it for literally 3 seconds. “It’s still wet, looked dry but … nope” he then got up and sat back on the couch. FLASH FORWARD: This morning I hear someone showering in the hall bathroom at about 5:30 am. I go back to sleep thinking our other friend Kevin actually came home (we haven’t seen him since last Thursday, could be dead except I keep seeing his car at work in the parking garage) last night. When it was finally time to wake up I opened my door to go get something. A scream from the bathroom “DON’T SIT ON THAT CHAIR!!!!” I wasn’t planning on it and told Nelson that. He says “I’ll tell you why in a second” he had been in the shower for the better part of an hour. When he came out he looked like he was wearing camouflage skin, hives all over. Apparently he’s allergic, or someone bought that chair just to play a cruel joke. Terrible way to start the day, luckily I did not sit on that chair even to test it out. So the trash chair experiment was a failure, and our upbringings should have taught us better than to take someone’s trash. We laughed about it as we ran from the compactor back to our place, I guess the chair got the last laugh. Don’t dig through trash people, it’s trash for a reason. Poor Nelson…lol… that wasn’t right.
There is a woman that walks by me everyday that has looked pregnant since I got here. I’ve finally given up that notion because she never has a bra on. That’s not motherly…
An analyst in my team would be a really attractive white woman if it weren’t for her “man hands”. All that ass, what a waste, though to be honest I’d still do her if her fiancé hadn’t just died. Baggage…
What does the PH stand for in NPH? “Patrick Harris” Common mistake, it actually stands for Poon Handler. –NPH, Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Boss lady bought the team Panera today. Is it wrong that all I can think about is fried chicken? … and P*ssy.
(an hour and half passes, for me to deliver the next real life story)
Coming back from lunch my friend Cassaundra and I are waiting for an elevator. Literally 12 people decide they want to cram in the first one to come along. I’m never that confident in my shower or deodorant that I want a stranger practically making out with me for four floors… a Christian not a whore. So we wait for the next elevator, and four people, including us get in. We all joke about the crowded elevator until ours stops at the 3rd floor to let 8 people in. Then we’re sardines just like those that gave us such a hardy laugh. They smelled like smoke and then the doors closed. It stops again at the 4th floor and no one gets off when the door opens… is someone else about to get on. When the doors opened up and we took a look around, it dawned on everyone that the MORBIDLY OBESE man standing near the button wanted on. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize the maximum load capacity (seriously, with that many people it was a sure bet that we were too heavy) or he saw the terror in everyone’s eyes, but he took a step back and let the doors close again. It was then the elevator burst into laughter. Who started the laughter… Cassaundra and I. Good times…
Gotta go, this whole Homegrown Comedy thing has really driven the blog views so… keep that going.
Laters
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