If you didn't drink my pickle juice I don't see why you care that it was urine...

Homegrown Comedy was a blast on Friday night. Adrian came out strong and eased the booze down the paying customers throats. Then Jake got out there and showed the longest dirtiest Aristocrats joke that club has seen in a fort night (not really, he told jokeys). Will stood up and had a puppet show describing what hemorrhoids are and how they are removed, it was as classy as Mr. Hessler’s monocle. Nora, who I had not seen before, was incredible and probably had the best set of the night. I loved seeing Eli up there looking all nervous and sensuous, “Because you’re BLACK” easily the best one liner of the night. Tyler S. came down with Thor’s axe and refused to tell a joke until someone pointed him in the direction of the King’s finest meads. And, there was someone else… hmmm “Who the f*ck is T…” I had a ball and didn’t wet my pants not one time that night. Then I went to the dopeman’s casa and started my weekend off right.

Saturday I was supposed to head to Baltimore and wait in line, thus having a great blog of getting told “no” by NBC. I couldn’t think of a great joke of mine (or anyone else’s) that would be good enough to get NBC’s attention. So I flipped a coin several times, spoke to God (via the coin) and decided not to go. If I don’t think my jokes were good enough who will? {Short Weed Coma}
Which leads us to Sunday morning- I woke up and was hit with a joke that I can’t believe I thought of while on the $#!TTER. I think it’s funny, but more importantly I enjoy saying to myself over and over again. I can’t wait to bust it out this week. I hope we have another Aparna story to tell from all the guys who went up there to Baltimore, bring it on home for D.C. baby!

I got a haircut, I look like Denzel… to a racist man who thinks we all look alike.

I watched more “adult films” than I care to share (numbers wise). At no point should going back to you’re computer feel like smoking a cigarette. But sure enough, every 20 minutes or so… what is it about women with GIGANTO butties riding a man to a good soundtrack that makes me so wet?! I meant hard… shut up.

KFC’s Hot Wings have ruined the majority of my morning. I’m still going home to finish off that 20 piece dammit. I’m no quitter… bring on the ‘Roids.

Here’s an image to wrap your brain around:
A naked man tap dancing in slow motion. “It’s like everything moves independent of everything else… oh God”.

Remember the old books by Beverly Cleary, named after the lovable Ramona (I want to say her last name was Beasly)? Good times huh?

I liked Chris Rock’s new special that I saw last night (I know it premiered before that). That’s a big deal to me since I never really like his specials, as a whole, before. With age comes different tastes. Perhaps I’ll grow to like the taste of Heroine… it’s such a big world.

I got to chat with Rory Scovel again on Friday night, does it get any classier than that man? I remembered my name people, normally that wouldn’t mean anything but he’s been on Comedy Central. Now if only I could get him to chew some gum and let me seal it in my wallet. What?! How else am I supposed to prove to “normies” that I’ve spoken to someone on television?!

My dog Max is starting to get those Van Wilder nuts. Just keeping everyone up to speed on Max’s “Cage”. I thought it was important.

Don’t piss off a rattlesnake, it’s just stupid. Let their grammar mistakes slide..

My cologne smells so good I just wanna stand on my desk and dance like an ecstasy addict. Rubbing my body like I was working in oils or something. Problem is that everyone would see me, and how will I ever tell the woman I’m in love with the truth was a reputation like that proceeding me? Ugg, being a grown up sucks d*ck, I never get to do anything I want.

Nelson is losing his hair. There, I said it.

Laters