To whom it may concern,
For years I have been using your product, Suave lotion, as my primary love mediator. I have been very satisfied with the quality of your product but am terrified to tell you that I think we have a problem. On Sunday March 16th I noticed that there was a strange smell coming from my nether region. It was comparable to Honeydew melon but I knew I had not eaten any, did I mention I that there seemed to be a hint of rhubarb. I made the decision to let it go, since I have the tendency to overreact. I believe I purchased a prostitute the day before I believed the smell could be from her vagina. I drove up to her on the street and chances are that she had no time to wipe off the juices from the previous customer. Lord knows what his d*ck smelled like… I’m getting off track, excuse me.
About two months later the smell had not completely gone away but I’d grown accustomed to it. It wasn’t until I woke up on Monday May 19th, which also happens to be my birthday, I suspected anything. When I took my normal “good morning whiz” I could hear the stream was interfered. I had my eyes closed but I distinctly heard the pop that Rice Krispies make when milk is added. Upon some very close inspection, followed by a shower since I was sifting through my urine, there were chunks of what looked like snot in the toilet. I immediately knew that something was wrong with me.
The doctor could not pinpoint exactly what could be the problem but he did tell me that I curve to the right because I’m well endowed…. Which is none of your concern. Problems with that part of the body would make anyone stop touching it for a while, I believe. I went four months without a pat, jerk, rub, flip into the waistband or even washing it with soap on my hands. It smells band, but I didn’t want to take any chance that I might make things worse. And you know what? Things got better after about a month. It wasn’t long after the smell went away and the chunky stream stopped for good that I felt the urge coming back strong.
I was eating Macaroni and Cheese, I remember that because initially it was hot cheese falling my scrotum that gave me the idea to get back in the game. I wiped the cheese up and it was delicious, then headed to gather the familiar materials. I had my Suave bottle, two paper towels, a beer and my cell phone. Once everything was done, I hopped in the shower since you never know when your mother will stop by for a visit. When I got in the shower, this is hard to say, I saw d*ck meat come out of the hole. I can only liken it to a hemorrhoid on my d*ck. I wish this on no one. This is hell, I can’t make love, I can’t wear jeans and I barely shower anymore. Doctors tell me that they’ll have to remove the shaft to stop the leakage, but I’d prefer my heart fall out of my crotch before I let them cut off Leonard (that was his name before you turned him into a freak).
One man cannot change a corporation, and I’m certainly not foolish enough to think I can, but my story must be heard. I pray that whoever’s eyes should find this has the courage to help a little guy from Virginia find justice. All I want is a new P*nis, I’d prefer if it were black to match my skin complexion. Let me know if you need exact shades and I will send a picture with “it” next to a chart from Lowe’s. Thanks for your help in advance and God’s speed.
For years I have been using your product, Suave lotion, as my primary love mediator. I have been very satisfied with the quality of your product but am terrified to tell you that I think we have a problem. On Sunday March 16th I noticed that there was a strange smell coming from my nether region. It was comparable to Honeydew melon but I knew I had not eaten any, did I mention I that there seemed to be a hint of rhubarb. I made the decision to let it go, since I have the tendency to overreact. I believe I purchased a prostitute the day before I believed the smell could be from her vagina. I drove up to her on the street and chances are that she had no time to wipe off the juices from the previous customer. Lord knows what his d*ck smelled like… I’m getting off track, excuse me.
About two months later the smell had not completely gone away but I’d grown accustomed to it. It wasn’t until I woke up on Monday May 19th, which also happens to be my birthday, I suspected anything. When I took my normal “good morning whiz” I could hear the stream was interfered. I had my eyes closed but I distinctly heard the pop that Rice Krispies make when milk is added. Upon some very close inspection, followed by a shower since I was sifting through my urine, there were chunks of what looked like snot in the toilet. I immediately knew that something was wrong with me.
The doctor could not pinpoint exactly what could be the problem but he did tell me that I curve to the right because I’m well endowed…. Which is none of your concern. Problems with that part of the body would make anyone stop touching it for a while, I believe. I went four months without a pat, jerk, rub, flip into the waistband or even washing it with soap on my hands. It smells band, but I didn’t want to take any chance that I might make things worse. And you know what? Things got better after about a month. It wasn’t long after the smell went away and the chunky stream stopped for good that I felt the urge coming back strong.
I was eating Macaroni and Cheese, I remember that because initially it was hot cheese falling my scrotum that gave me the idea to get back in the game. I wiped the cheese up and it was delicious, then headed to gather the familiar materials. I had my Suave bottle, two paper towels, a beer and my cell phone. Once everything was done, I hopped in the shower since you never know when your mother will stop by for a visit. When I got in the shower, this is hard to say, I saw d*ck meat come out of the hole. I can only liken it to a hemorrhoid on my d*ck. I wish this on no one. This is hell, I can’t make love, I can’t wear jeans and I barely shower anymore. Doctors tell me that they’ll have to remove the shaft to stop the leakage, but I’d prefer my heart fall out of my crotch before I let them cut off Leonard (that was his name before you turned him into a freak).
One man cannot change a corporation, and I’m certainly not foolish enough to think I can, but my story must be heard. I pray that whoever’s eyes should find this has the courage to help a little guy from Virginia find justice. All I want is a new P*nis, I’d prefer if it were black to match my skin complexion. Let me know if you need exact shades and I will send a picture with “it” next to a chart from Lowe’s. Thanks for your help in advance and God’s speed.
Forever Tainted,
Tyler Brockula Richardson
Tyler Brockula Richardson
Laters, oh and just in case someone spots this and wants to sue: “In no way does Suave cause penile problems when jerkin’ it. But to be safe, please use Jergens in any scent you choose, they’re the best. And best for you!”
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