I took a Popsicle into the men’s bathroom earlier today while I made a $#!T. The imagery of it is what tickles me so…Becca, don't be alarmed that our child would look like this. What did you expect eating all cream cheese? I told you there would be consequences. (what's horrible is that I find this picture so funny I burst into tears with laughter as I showed it to my Friend, what's that say about me?)
John McCain seemed downright immature and unprofessional last night. I’ve heard people say that he was more aggressive and attacking… is that what we call interrupting non-stop, making false accusations, demanding an apology for someone else’s statement and showing his contempt for Obama through his blinks, sighs and eye-rolling. How OLD are you?! Obama was calm and cool (I love that he kept smirking) but the best part of the night was that he stuck a little “Fox News” shout out in one of his remarks. Bias news coverage that blatant should not go unanswered. Overall, an okay night for Obama and just plain embarrassing for one John McCain.
A friend asked me why I don’t play my trumpet anymore and I told her that I lost it in my band room in the 11th grade. “So what are you going to play with your son when he gets older? You need to be practicing now to show him someday.” My response was, “I’ll have given him the only instrument that a boy needs… cock.” The end.
Today is a weird day because I only smell pennies. I don’t know why and it kind of freaks me out, but it’s all I can smell. I hope this isn’t a symptom that one of the balls has to go. What type of cancer makes you smell only pennies?!
I want to write a joke where I relate to men who have slept with a woman without taking a shower for a day. The next day when you use the bathroom at work you generally catch a whiff of “the dong” still glazed over with “her juices” and the scent is beautiful to you and probably gross to someone the next stall over. Similar to the question “Can other men smell my nuts at the urinal?” Imagine walking up while some guy is soaked in a woman he loves and seeing him roll his eyes back in ecstasy as he gets another whiff. You start to urinate and can’t help but lean in to catch a whiff yourself… I’M CURIOUS, DON’T JUDGE ME. To your dismay, it’s the grossest thing you’ve ever smelled, this woman must live on a diet of Asparagus. One man’s trash another man’s treasure. I like the premise but worry that some people would think they were too “mature” to laugh at that. Then again, maybe it’s not funny at all… hmmm.
Call me nuts, but executives always have the most boring dribble when they walk in groups somewhere. Why is it that the best thing they can find to talk about is their children? I pray that I never find myself forced to converse about things that make me wanna die just to have something to say. That’s what the bliss of silence is for. It’s golden, and I don’t care what your child is studying?
I think easy women (aka 99.9%) should wear a pendant or something to let you know they’re promiscuous. It would make it a lot easier to introduce myself if I already know they’re thinking about d*ck.
Passed the woman of my dreams again in the hall on my way to breakfast again. My Spanish love, that’s what I named her about a year ago. One day I’ll think of something to say and bump into her (notice the order) that way she thinks we bumped on accident. I’m a stalker, but I stalk for love.
Would it be inappropriate to come to work in REALLY tight suit? For instance, a suit with slacks so tight they left no detail of “the dong” a secret. I’d love to hear the conversation of a supervisor asking you to leave and get new pants while trying not to stare at the constellation (cause all you see is the outline, get it). Next Thursday…
W. comes out tomorrow, already. I’ve yet to see a trailer for this movie. That is all, will I see it? No. As a child I was bored when my mom made me watch JFK, bored-er (I know it’s not a word but I’m far too lazy to go back and rewrite this sentence) when she made me watch Nixon and I’ll be damned if I give Oliver Stone my concentration as an adult. Natural Born Killers was the bomb though.
I wonder if I have an STD, sorry, I just can’t stop wondering why I’m smelling pennies.
Something to consider when you get home: Downloading Saving All My Love For You by Whitney Houston
I just heard someone speak something in African ( I’m aware that’s the continent not the language but forgive my cultural ignorance) and it sounded like they were kicking it off into the theme from Tazmania. Do you remember how incredibly awesome that show was?! “You see son, life is like a big glass of OJ, and blah blah blah yakkidy smackidy…” timeless.
Can’t stay awake, need t*tties… mmmm. Never mind, boner achieved, I am awake now.
Here’s to Lucinda. I hope you kept the baby.
Laters
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