What is it about a good subway sandwich that could make a blind man see and a cripple do trigonometry? Perhaps it’s that they really care.
“What kind of Astronaut are you?” “The kind that hunts humans like you (shotguns the man in the chest)” And this is why we love Human Giant…. That’s too deliciously evil not to be loved.
Sorry I haven’t been around as much as normal, I’ve been eating a lot of Chipotle. My new nickname…. “The $#!T cannon”. Yep.
Let’s play a little ketchup shall we, it’s been a while. While I fill in on what I’ve neglected to blog about I will be using a new formula. Nelson and I went back and forth yesterday using our Manictionary of words; basically we transformed one word per sentence and inserted man. Here we go:
Monday: Was a manplete blur. I manmember waking up and eating lunch, somewhere in the middle there was a sword fight. I was not at Spy Lounge, to be honest, it was Eli’s week to host and though gas is manilly coming down in price… $#!T ain’t sweet just yet. Blah, that was my Manday.
Tuesday: I manolled around in the bed well past a time that would get me to work on time. It was mantually pretty sweet but then I thought about leaving one person on my team to do all the work and got out of bed. I was manout an hour late. I stroked what is no longer a bumstache and is now a manstache for a while cause I could. Sweet, oh and then I stopped by the local cinema and saw The Dark Knight, manificent, for the third time. Clearly, I have no life, but I guess no one does since that maneater was packed on Tuesday night.
Wednesday: Nothing really significant went down but I did see a mantastic accident right behind me yesterday. I heard a loud MAN! (Should have said POW, but I made a promise darn it and I’m going to keep it) and turned around to see nothing. The car that was right manhind me moved slightly to the left and I saw that the Focus behind him was f*cked up. Then it occurred to me what happened, I laughed, and then I thanked my lucky stars that the wolf put the manomobile behind me to take that blow. I’d hate to have to haunt Eli just to tell this story… manosexual. Even though this just happened today I want to mancuss (discuss) what I just saw. I was dropping off some manmail on a co-worker’s desk and another co-worker passed me. She put out her hand to take an envelope and there it was, right over her mansculine thumb…. The biggest boogie ever. I was frozen with disgust and she looked at my manified face, then connected with my eyes and saw I was checking out Roger. I’ve named it Roger because it asked me to re-man-o-f*cking-spect (respect) it. That thing was wearing a mandana (bandana).
Eli Sairs is a wanted felon. His record of breaking and entering is only matched by the sacred hard drive containing more child porn than any man should need. It literally turned a solicitor blind. Ask him to see it, I guarantee he will deny its existence. He has to because if he ever goes back in the booty house, the Latin Kings will peel the sensuality right off those white thighs of his. Apparently, when you decide to make your cellmate into your lover, you’d better be sure that he’s not connected. And when you find out, you definitely shouldn’t stab out his eyes and play the harmonica until the guards come. “You got a payback coming!” That was all that Eduardo could mutter while Eli played his harmonica and danced the jig of the gypsy around his lover. I’d heard of Eli but wasn’t sure this sweet man was the same man legend had spoke of. It wasn’t until one day when we were mid high five that I looked down and saw an (it rhymes with…) direction, he noticed that I caught his and his smile still sends chills down my spine…. I’m so cold. So keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer. I do…
I like that even though the bar is no longer called The Laughing Lizard, people still advertise “Come to the Laughing Lizard 2.0 showcase on Saturday, July 26th!!” I’ll be there…. So…. Yep.
I’m not to far away from a Kansas City Shuffle, if you’ve watched Lucky Number Slevin you know what I mean. If not, just hang on for a while…. I’ll show you, you’ll see.
When people sneeze and actually say “Hachoo!” that is totally unnecessary. First time at the office, that’s counseling. Second time, 20 lashes, it’s only fair. If it happens again, Brazilian wax. That’s a huge threat to a man (a lot of hair in the tunnel), for a woman… a slap says a thousand words. Hitting women isn’t fu….yes, yes it is.
I’m gonna work now, but since I’ve figured out a new way to blog at work I’ll try not to let so much time pass.
Laters…
“What kind of Astronaut are you?” “The kind that hunts humans like you (shotguns the man in the chest)” And this is why we love Human Giant…. That’s too deliciously evil not to be loved.
Sorry I haven’t been around as much as normal, I’ve been eating a lot of Chipotle. My new nickname…. “The $#!T cannon”. Yep.
Let’s play a little ketchup shall we, it’s been a while. While I fill in on what I’ve neglected to blog about I will be using a new formula. Nelson and I went back and forth yesterday using our Manictionary of words; basically we transformed one word per sentence and inserted man. Here we go:
Monday: Was a manplete blur. I manmember waking up and eating lunch, somewhere in the middle there was a sword fight. I was not at Spy Lounge, to be honest, it was Eli’s week to host and though gas is manilly coming down in price… $#!T ain’t sweet just yet. Blah, that was my Manday.
Tuesday: I manolled around in the bed well past a time that would get me to work on time. It was mantually pretty sweet but then I thought about leaving one person on my team to do all the work and got out of bed. I was manout an hour late. I stroked what is no longer a bumstache and is now a manstache for a while cause I could. Sweet, oh and then I stopped by the local cinema and saw The Dark Knight, manificent, for the third time. Clearly, I have no life, but I guess no one does since that maneater was packed on Tuesday night.
Wednesday: Nothing really significant went down but I did see a mantastic accident right behind me yesterday. I heard a loud MAN! (Should have said POW, but I made a promise darn it and I’m going to keep it) and turned around to see nothing. The car that was right manhind me moved slightly to the left and I saw that the Focus behind him was f*cked up. Then it occurred to me what happened, I laughed, and then I thanked my lucky stars that the wolf put the manomobile behind me to take that blow. I’d hate to have to haunt Eli just to tell this story… manosexual. Even though this just happened today I want to mancuss (discuss) what I just saw. I was dropping off some manmail on a co-worker’s desk and another co-worker passed me. She put out her hand to take an envelope and there it was, right over her mansculine thumb…. The biggest boogie ever. I was frozen with disgust and she looked at my manified face, then connected with my eyes and saw I was checking out Roger. I’ve named it Roger because it asked me to re-man-o-f*cking-spect (respect) it. That thing was wearing a mandana (bandana).
Eli Sairs is a wanted felon. His record of breaking and entering is only matched by the sacred hard drive containing more child porn than any man should need. It literally turned a solicitor blind. Ask him to see it, I guarantee he will deny its existence. He has to because if he ever goes back in the booty house, the Latin Kings will peel the sensuality right off those white thighs of his. Apparently, when you decide to make your cellmate into your lover, you’d better be sure that he’s not connected. And when you find out, you definitely shouldn’t stab out his eyes and play the harmonica until the guards come. “You got a payback coming!” That was all that Eduardo could mutter while Eli played his harmonica and danced the jig of the gypsy around his lover. I’d heard of Eli but wasn’t sure this sweet man was the same man legend had spoke of. It wasn’t until one day when we were mid high five that I looked down and saw an (it rhymes with…) direction, he noticed that I caught his and his smile still sends chills down my spine…. I’m so cold. So keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer. I do…
I like that even though the bar is no longer called The Laughing Lizard, people still advertise “Come to the Laughing Lizard 2.0 showcase on Saturday, July 26th!!” I’ll be there…. So…. Yep.
I’m not to far away from a Kansas City Shuffle, if you’ve watched Lucky Number Slevin you know what I mean. If not, just hang on for a while…. I’ll show you, you’ll see.
When people sneeze and actually say “Hachoo!” that is totally unnecessary. First time at the office, that’s counseling. Second time, 20 lashes, it’s only fair. If it happens again, Brazilian wax. That’s a huge threat to a man (a lot of hair in the tunnel), for a woman… a slap says a thousand words. Hitting women isn’t fu….yes, yes it is.
I’m gonna work now, but since I’ve figured out a new way to blog at work I’ll try not to let so much time pass.
Laters…
1 comment:
i'm happy you immortalized my tragi-comic tale.
is this because i took a jab at you on my blog? i have no regrets.
retributation will be swift. not really, ill prob. get bored of blogging within the week.
i think since this blog is called "non-sequitors," im gonna throw out a non-sequitor with every comment.
darth vader looks and sounds hilarious when he's about to die at the end of "Jedi." "...go..LEAVE ME.....you...already...have...(dun-dahdah dada-daahdah)"...heheh...cracks me up
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